moving2fast Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Hi All, To summarize, I've been in my most serious relationship for roughly half a year now. This month after tons of arguments and accusations of cheating and inappropriate behavior, I tried to improve things by moving in with my bf. I figured if I did as he wished and gave up my apartment, he'd be better able to trust me. I also stopped doing a few other things(seeing my therapist, working in his office, attending support groups) because he requested that I do so because he has had a really hard time trusting I won't cheat or get into some trouble. I am doing all that I can and it just isn't enough. He has to know who I'm talking to, where I am, it's as if he just sees me as a liar all the time. I want us to work, but how can it if he has such distrust? I don't know how to mend things or even start a conversation that doesn't cause him to get defensive or start accusing me of wanting to push him away so that I can take up bad behavior. How can I politely put things on the table? This is my first "normal" and acceptable relationship. All of my past relationships were train wrecks. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Bad mistake moving in. Horrible. You want to live like that? He isn't going to stop. Will you change everything that he asks? Might as well be a doormat to let him walk all over you. Without trust there is no happy relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Hi All, To summarize, I've been in my most serious relationship for roughly half a year now. This month after tons of arguments and accusations of cheating and inappropriate behavior, I tried to improve things by moving in with my bf. I figured if I did as he wished and gave up my apartment, he'd be better able to trust me. I also stopped doing a few other things(seeing my therapist, working in his office, attending support groups) because he requested that I do so because he has had a really hard time trusting I won't cheat or get into some trouble. I am doing all that I can and it just isn't enough. He has to know who I'm talking to, where I am, it's as if he just sees me as a liar all the time. I want us to work, but how can it if he has such distrust? I don't know how to mend things or even start a conversation that doesn't cause him to get defensive or start accusing me of wanting to push him away so that I can take up bad behavior. How can I politely put things on the table? This is my first "normal" and acceptable relationship. All of my past relationships were train wrecks. Hate to break it you, but so is this one. There is nothing normal or "acceptable" about this whatsoever. Are you enjoying being in this relationship? Would you want the same for your sister, best friend or daughter? Doubt that. You can't do anything to make it better. Your boyfriend has to recognize he has serious trust and jealousy issues, and also want to get help for them. You can't fix it by doing anything. He will only find another thing to trigger his jealousy. Honey, this is bad. He is demonstrating very controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour, that has very little to do with you. You gave up your apartment and therapist for him? Oh, hell no. He's got you under this thumb and this will get worse. He is manipulative, and don't be surprised if he's doing some of the very things he's accusing you of. I have stated in other threads that I dated a guy like him. It was like an emotional prison, always being interrogated about who I was talking to and where I was. It got much worse before I finally got my head out of arse and realized I deserved a hell of a lot better. Tell your boyfriend in no uncertain terms that his behaviour isn't appropriate and you will not tolerate it. If he does nothing to change, you have to decide if you want to condemn yourself to a life of proving what you're not doing behind his back. See how impossible that sounds? Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Is there like a time period when trust can be restored? I know I really messed up in the beginning. I thought the moving in would better appease him and there would be less doubt. I want us to be able to talk without it getting shutdown. I feel I may very well be in the wrong for wanting privacy and space at times. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Is there like a time period when trust can be restored? I know I really messed up in the beginning. I thought the moving in would better appease him and there would be less doubt. I want us to be able to talk without it getting shutdown. I feel I may very well be in the wrong for wanting privacy and space at times. Not to me once its broken. Find someone who agrees with your beliefs. You have to leave this toxic relationship tho. I was once your dude. He may say he trusts you but he never will. He is showing you what it will be like dealing with him. Are you okay with that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Hate to break it you, but so is this one. There is nothing normal or "acceptable" about this whatsoever. Are you enjoying being in this relationship? Would you want the same for your sister, best friend or daughter? Doubt that. You can't do anything to make it better. Your boyfriend has to recognize he has serious trust and jealousy issues, and also want to get help for them. You can't fix it by doing anything. He will only find another thing to trigger his jealousy. Honey, this is bad. He is demonstrating very controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour, that has very little to do with you. You gave up your apartment and therapist for him? Oh, hell no. He's got you under this thumb and this will get worse. He is manipulative, and don't be surprised if he's doing some of the very things he's accusing you of. I have stated in other threads that I dated a guy like him. It was like an emotional prison, always being interrogated about who I was talking to and where I was. It got much worse before I finally got my head out of arse and realized I deserved a hell of a lot better. Tell your boyfriend in no uncertain terms that his behaviour isn't appropriate and you will not tolerate it. If he does nothing to change, you have to decide if you want to condemn yourself to a life of proving what you're not doing behind his back. See how impossible that sounds? I honestly don't know if it's my fault though. He's been great. I came into this with substance abuse issues, past demons and a sexual addiction. I know he cares for me and does things out of concern. Sorry if I keep repeating myself. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 I honestly don't know if it's my fault though. He's been great. I came into this with substance abuse issues, past demons and a sexual addiction. I know he cares for me and does things out of concern. Sorry if I keep repeating myself. Have you cheated on him before? Been inappropriate with men while you were in this relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 I have cheated on him, and I was open and honest about all of it. He said he forgave me for it, and was so supportive in helping me work through issues. If not for him being on my case and in my corner, I would have continued my self destructive ways. That's why I don't know whether what he is requesting is normal. I feel as though I shouldn't be wanting to have any privacy. It was my fault that the trust has broken down and that he feels the need to check in on me. I caused a lot of stress and worry. Everything he has asked me to do is because he's worried about me; move in so he can make sure I'm not tempted to backslide, don't work in his office anymore(because I was behaving inappropriately and it was stressing us both out), stop seeing that therapist(well, that's complicated really but he was worried about how everything was affecting me and it was causing more friction between us). I'm not okay with the way things are. I think we both want the same things, for the most part and we do love each other. Maybe my lack of real relationship experience is hindering things? Maybe once I get certain things in line he will not be as concerned and things will get back to the fun we had in the beginning but on better footing? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) Pasts are pat of any ones life and if you have been graphic, then he has a level of distrust going on that i would call normal......its like I went out with this guy and he told me that he had cheated on every woman he has a relationship with .......now i went out with him after he disclosed that because i don't let truthful discussions of pasts sway me......but....i was on the defense and i ended that relationship at about the four month mark as he began to exhibit behaviors of infidelity online.He failed to realize i am not a shy retiring happy go lucky woman all the time.I am a multiple personality and one of us is always alert......and that one ended it.The shy retiring one is still helping him out as a friend.......smilin.... how do you expect a guy to feel when you tell him you struggle with sexual addiction and substance abuse? they are things that you have to take a one day at a time approach and, if you are or have been an addict of any kind you know its a constant battle? honestly? how do you think he feels. People are going to say its wrong of him to treat you as such, bad relationship whatever.....the fact is probably this, these people suggesting you leave, wouldn't have gone out with you in the first place as they are respectful people and expect high standards in relationships............if the situation were to be as such....you wouldnt have got a chance let alone a chance to be trusted....... me ...i give chances so this is what i suggest now you need to give him your phone password...couples counselling preferrable by a caring professional..and addiction therapy to be ongoing with you. show him how much you really want him to trust you and be open and honest with all dealings with him even the little things.......i hope whatever happens together or apart that you find happiness..consequences of a less than stellar past are just, there, they are part of your makeup, they cannot be overlooked or denied...i have a past and i am still paying for it...but thats my lot.....you do something wrong you pay double...you pay on the spot....and you pay later.....one day i will have finsihed paying....but thats gods choice not mine...........deb Edited June 17, 2014 by todreaminblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 Ihave given him access to all my personal information. If a call comes to my cell phone and he is present, I am to put it on speaker. He checks my emails, computer activity and if I go some place without him, I check in as much as needed. I understand where he's coming from and do feel selfish for wanting space, but I do. I want him to allow me to have some things just to myself. He worries so much that it has caused me to stop seeing others(for support). I worry our relationship isn't going to fair well if he puts everything on his shoulders. I know he can't handle it on his own as much as I appreciate all he does for me, I worry about the toll it's taking on him. So much stress and it has changed the way he feels about himself because he's always worried he's not enough/doing enough. I feel like leaving this page in view for him since talking doesn't get us anywhere. We don't want to break up, my goodness I have put that out there a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 OMG. You gave up going to therapy because your BF didn't trust you? Run don't walk back to your therapist & tell that person why you stopped coming. Move out. Your BF is not good for you. No healthy relationship begins with depriving somebody of appropriate medical care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 The therapy situation is complicated. I was starting to feel really emotional about things(something I'm not really used to dealing with) and he didn't like the way it was being handled. It was causing a lot of stress because I just was having a hard time dealing with things. My therapist was suggesting things and he just felt it was all wrong that I would end up getting involved with people or using. I really wouldn't have started therapy if not for him urging, it just was too hard on us both, so he told me to stop putting myself through it. Link to post Share on other sites
DitzyPanda Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) Trust is key and if he's having issues with that and it annoys you, wait till he gets a headache. "I've been so stressed, my head hurts." "Oh baby, I'll get you some tylenol to make you feel better." Put him to sleep Edited June 17, 2014 by DitzyPanda Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 Trust is key and if he's having issues with that and it annoys you, wait till he gets a headache. "I've been so stressed, my head hurts." "Oh baby, I'll get you some tylenol to make you feel better." Put him to sleep How am I to do that? I am trying to do what he asks of me. I hope that eliminates stress. I do feel wrong for being annoyed since this is my fault. If I wasn't dealing with issues he would not question everything. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 How am I to do that? I am trying to do what he asks of me. I hope that eliminates stress. I do feel wrong for being annoyed since this is my fault. If I wasn't dealing with issues he would not question everything. But it isn't working, is it? I suggest you find another therapist and receive individual counselling, together with couple's counselling so your boyfriend can learn some strategies. If he refuses, then I'd get out of the relationship. He agreed to stay with you; he doesn't have the right to imprison you, though. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 You've made him your god - by handing him all your power. That's not right - especially if you're trying to stay clean and sober. ALLOWING him to be in charge of your whole life, every decision and every move isn't healthy. It's completely out of balance. Go back to the counselor! Face the "hard stuff" you wanted to avoid. Work through the fears and difficult emotions that lead you to use. Do it for yourself! And stop allowing him to be your higher power. He's controlling and demanding. I hope you move out immediately and work on becoming a strong, independent woman! Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 This morning, during breakfast, I tried to talk about a few things but my timing was off. We went over what I would be doing while here and he told me what he'd be doing/planned on tackling in the office. Once that was said, I ended up blurting out in frustration that he should trust me more. He said he does, but has things in place for my own good. I wanted him to explain how, but he said it was not a good time to talk about that and never good to start a day with an argument. So, I apologized for bringing it up. Hopefully we can talk after dinner. I would like to suggest couple's counselling, and also would like to have someone to talk to myself, I just do not want it to cause problems in our relationship. If I were to just walk away from this, I would not have anything. No family, no current friends, no job, everything I have right now is due to him. I don't want to go back to what I was doing before. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Cheating commonly results in the person betrayed becoming hypervigilant. Trust has to be rebuilt. I realize you're not married but this thread may be of some help to you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 The therapy situation is complicated. I was starting to feel really emotional about things(something I'm not really used to dealing with) and he didn't like the way it was being handled. It was causing a lot of stress because I just was having a hard time dealing with things. My therapist was suggesting things and he just felt it was all wrong that I would end up getting involved with people or using. I really wouldn't have started therapy if not for him urging, it just was too hard on us both, so he told me to stop putting myself through it. You realize things were getting emotional because you were making progress? He realized it too, and put a stop to it. How would a therapist's suggestions lead you to using again or getting involved with the wrong people? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 So far, you've done everything wrong in following his wishes. He is a paranoid control freak for whom nothing will ever be enough to allay his irrational attitudes. Get yourself OUT of his apartment and OUT of this relationship ASAP for your own well-being. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author moving2fast Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 Due to me not being able to manage my emotions and my therapist suggesting things in group settings(it wasn't something she just threw out there, she only suggested it after she felt I was in a good enough place to be a part of things.) My bf just doesn't trust me to be around people. He just saw it as more ways for me to backslide. I do understand his concerns, I was taking a lot out on him I think too being emotional and wanting to push him away. Link to post Share on other sites
Bruce Leigh Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 You should both run as far away from each other as is humanly possible. He will never trust you again. I don't know many men who could, given what you have said in other posts spread across the threads on here. Doesn't give him the right to treat you the way he does by any means. Sound like you both need therapy, just not necessarily together. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 You could go to a woman's abuse shelter. He's abusing you - you are participating by allowing it. Every control freak needs a willing victim - he picked you knowing you might comply. Stop being compliant! Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Movin2fast, The trust issue will be very hard for you to change in him because his trust wasn't put there by you it came from within him. The only thing you can do for his trust is destroy it. With that said, and I think I've said this to you on your other thread, you should carry on in your life doing the best you can not to do bad things for your relationship. You and most everyone else knows right from wrong. When you were doing wrong you couldn't have been blind to that. The question you have to ask yourself is if your guy is good for you and you for him. He seems to want you in his life and you have indicated he wants what's good for you. Perhaps thinking about how to get him to trust you is not the way to go. Maybe you need to tell yourself you can trust him and his vision for your future. Just sayin', Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 What's going on here is that you betrayed him, but he still loves you. Being with you causes him great anxiety because he can't trust you. But he doesn't want to break up. This sets up a situation where he is constantly looking for reassurance. The accusations, isolation, etc. is his way of coping with his anxiety. He can't cope or control his anxiety, so he is trying to control you, as a way to cope with it. I'm sorry to say, but he probably won't ever feel content and happy with you. But he has not hit the point where he sees this yet. He thinks love will be enough to save it. This unhealthy dynamic can last a lifetime if neither one of you has the guts to end it. He will expect you to prove your worthiness, but you already cheated, so you will never be worthy in his eyes. You will always be in defense mode, reassuring, denying, proving.... but it will never be enough because you can't unring the bell. If you were married with kids, I'd say to get marriage counseling. In your situation, I think it will be much easier if you just find a new guy and don't cheat on him. Use these lessons as a way to improve yourself for the next guy. Sometimes love is not enough and you just have to accept that. Someone has to pull the plug or you will both continue to be miserable. Tell him that you can see that just being with you is causing him anxiety, and that is not healthy. Tell him that he needs to see a counselor to help cope with this anxiety. In counseling, he will probably realize that the best way to cope is to break up with you. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's realistic. Let him go and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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