Am I Wrong?

[2sunny]

Are you working at your recovery?

 

Have you done any step work - if so, what step are you on today?

[moving2fast]

Yes, I am working at a more meaningful life that doesn't involve drug use or sexual dysfunction.

 

 

I have not been able to attend many meetings in group settings. I did come to the realization that my drug and sexual activity was a problem and I don't want to live my life as I had been doing. I have stopped working in the environment I was in(because it fed into both addictions), stopped associating with people that were involved in that and other things I was into before. So, I really cut everyone, besides my boyfriend and therapist of the time out of my life. I haven't had sex with anyone besides my boyfriend since confessing to the cheating, however my issues with exhibitionism and compulsive masturbation have caused issues(reason I cannot work in his office). I have not used since April 29, 2014. That was a slip up, and thankfully he didn't just break up with me then(he already had given me an ultimatum). I know some of what triggers me, so I avoid what I can the best way I can(so I am not around a lot of people, and when I am I'm not alone). I have also looked into new ways to deal with stress, so I have some hobbies9they are all solitary though).

 

 

I do not see my boyfriend as abusive at all. He never has ever hurt me, never raised a fist to me or anything like that. He knows that arguments and raised voices are triggering to me, so he tries his best not to get to that point or walks away when he feels he might. He never has taken advantage of that situation either, and other people have in the past. So, I know he really does care about me, not just what he can do to me.

 

 

We did talk and he says that yes the cheating really hurt him but he does not do everything simply because I cheated on him. He does it because he wants to keep me safe and would feel guilty if something where to happen to me and he could have in some way prevented it. I told him that's too much for him to carry on his shoulders, but he just gets so defensive and starts asking if I'm pushing him away so that I can go back to the bad habits. I understand where he is coming from. I just want to make things better. The link posted by BetrayedH is very helpful, I mean I know he is hurt by what I've done(and my issues exacerbate things), so I shouldn't be so impatient, I just want to make it okay.

 

 

Breaking up is not something I want to do. I would like for us to talk to someone, I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to leave me(though I completely understand if he did). He says he wants me in his life, and I want to be present. I know I have caused him so much pain, I want to do whatever I can to help him get through this. He said he forgave me for the cheating and breaking my promise about the substance abuse(I huffed) because he knows I'm sick, and he wants to do whatever he can to make sure I stay well (so he has to check in on me constantly). I hope we're able to get on better footing so we can enjoy each other and he doesn't become a warden and I am not a constant stressor for him.

[2sunny]

The need to control another person that much is extremely unhealthy.

 

You need to do this yourself.

 

Work with a professional on boundaries and SELF control.

 

I do think you'd gain footing FOR YOURSELF if you would simply work the steps with a sponsor.

[moving2fast]

So, it would be most practical to just give up on this relationship (with the one person who cares but not out of obligation) and start over again, but without him?

 

Am I really naive in just wanting to be a better person and also to have a good relationship? Why can't we just fix our problems together. I do feel at times as if I should be happy someone cares and loves me enough to make sure I'm okay. I don't want to lose that.

[preraph]

You did the wrong thing by moving in. I get you cheated on him, but I also can plainly see that HE has a big problem that has nothing to do with you and that he would foist on every woman he gets involved with. He is controlling. I agree once you cheat, you owe someone transparency -- but NO one would encourage you to stop therapy who cared about you instead of themselves! If you feel you have to stop therapy to make him happy, you just need to get out of the relationship. He will never trust you again. You can't ever trust again once you've been really betrayed. He may never trust any woman ever again, but that doesn't mean you should stay around and give up therapy and all your social life or friends or whatever and become his love slave. Maybe you both need time apart to work on yourselves!

Edited June 18, 2014 by preraph

[moving2fast]

Moving in felt like the right thing to do. I was very reluctant because I had bad experience when living with men and I wanted to preserve the independence I gained while on my own. It just was not very practical to him, and I eventually agreed. I already spent the majority of my time with him, it is economically sensible, I am here so I'm less inclined to get into any sort of trouble, and he is happy I am around.

 

I know it may seem like he's controlling but he means no harm. He just really could not handle seeing me so upset and stopping therapy just seemed like the best thing to do at the time. If I was better composed, starting up again wouldn't be an issue. It's definitely not something I want to deal with alone.

[BetrayedH]

Ok, I think I remember your story. You were basically in the adult movie crowd and hanging with them (doing drugs), right? And this guy is helping you escape that life? As I recall, he moved you in and gave you a job working in his office. I guess that didn't work out. That's a big disappointment. That's the kinda thing you gotta get control of.

 

I don't think you need to break up and I don't think he's a control freak. I think he really wants you to get better and he's willing to own it if he has to. I give the guy props for what he's trying to do.

 

The problem is that this isn't much of a romantic relationship; it's more like a parent-child relationship. I think what he is doing is really noble but it has to change. You need to be acting the part of an adult so that he can stop being a parent. You need to OWN making positive changes and he can support you while you do it. You need to realize that your sexual compulsions and drug use is going to ruin your life if you don't get it under control. When it comes to addictions, many people have to hit rock bottom before they "get it." Be smarter than that! I don't know how much patience this guy has left in him. If you lose his support, you'll be right back to making movies. You have a way out. Don't squander it. Show him how grateful you are by committing to keeping YOURSELF in line. If you show him some consistent actions over time, I bet all of this control nonsense will dissipate.

 

You need to cut anyone from that old life out like they're a cancer. Period. You need to get a responsible job to keep yourself busy and to start contributing. It doesn't matte if it's part-time at a sub shop. Make new friends there provided that they're not part of that party lifestyle. And behave responsibly at work. It can be done but you have to care enough to do it. Act as if you need that job and your life depends on it. You may have a safety net right now but if you screw up one more time, you may lose it.

 

I don't think this is about cheating anymore. But your job is still basically the same - you need to demonstrate that you are trustworthy enough to be a contributing and responsible partner in this relationship.

 

I do think that you should still strongly consider therapy. Some of your issues are deep-seated. But I can understand taking a break. Trying to solve all of your issues going back to childhood can be overwhelming and perhaps taking smaller steps right now is smarter. Commit each day to not doing any drugs and to keeping yourself socially appropriate. Get the job. Start contributing. Make it into a lifestyle change.

 

My $.02

[moving2fast]

Yes, I was in the sex industry and associated with people that were into drugs, parties and sex. I would go out to clubs and bars looking for trouble. I didn't really think about much besides feeling good or pleasing others. My boyfriend came into the picture and changed my life. I was not expecting anything serious to happen between us, I figured he was like everyone else I got involved with, but he's not.

 

I just moved in with him officially this month, but we''ve always spent free time together mostly at his place. He did give me a job at his office, I just was not able two keep my compulsions under control so he asked me to just take care of things at home until things get worked out. He would not be okay with me working away from home as I am. I worry about it too, but I want to be able to function around other people. It's so frustrating.

 

This dynamic we have is all my fault. I really do try not to do certain things but am not able to stop all the time and its just so bad. I do need help, I just get too overwhelmed by it.

[BetrayedH]

Ok, I'm a little hesitant to play armchair therapist here but I guess I'm going to do it anyway.

 

I think you really need to reevaluate your self-image. I went back and read some of your prior threads and there is way too much talk about not deserving him, "disgusting" behavior, not being good enough, and so forth. The self-deprecating comments are not helping you. In fact, they fuel your depression and you eventually "act out" as a coping mechanism for it. The masturbation is a brief escape from the depression. Much like drugs, it's a quick high. In my view, the sexual compulsions and drug use is a symptom of your lack of self-worth, self-pride, and self-esteem. That is really the core problem. So, I think it's important that you stop feeding those negative thoughts about yourself.

 

How is that done? Again, I'm no expert but I'll give you a few ideas.

 

(1) When you start getting down on yourself, envision a Stop sign and force yourself to stop thinking that way. It serves no purpose and does you harm. NEVER say, write or type another derogatory thing about yourself. Shame gets you nowhere. Then redirect your thoughts to what you can DO right now that would be a positive step. Do something you can be proud of. Maybe it's just cleaning up the dirty dishes. Maybe it's writing a nice note to your BF. Or looking up groups/therapists. Do something positive and productive. I find that sitting around depresses me. But when I have a productive day, I can be proud of what I accomplished. So, when you find yourself dwelling on the negative, force yourself to stop and do something productive.

 

(2) Quit dwelling on your past. You can't do a damn thing about it. That is not who you are; it's who you were. You gotta get focused on the future, not the past. Think of it like driving a car. You can't possibly drive forward very well if you always have your eyes in the rear-view mirror. As I have said to you before, it's not our mistakes that define us. It's how we respond to them. For what it's worth, I don't see you in a negative light. Frankly, I think you've had a really rough go of things and you're a product of a terrible environment. And you're escaping it. Seize the opportunity.

 

(3) Challenge yourself to go out with your BF more frequently in a social setting. I know you feel socially awkward and are worried about your compulsions. Practice makes perfect. Being out with your BF makes it a safe environment for you. After that, go for walks. Maybe have a coffee at a coffee shop. Get to the point where it is normal and natural.

 

(4) Focus on goals every day. Have a list of to-do items. Have some things that you do every day (like exercise). Take pride in checking things off the list. Hell, sometimes I go back to the list and write things down that I did just so I can cross them off. Make the house spotless. Make sure everything has a home. Be so busy being proud of the things that you did today that you've got no time for dwelling on your past. It's ancient history.

 

(5) I realize your BF is not comfortable with you being out and about on your own based on your history. But recognize that this must come to an end at some point. He knows that, too. Get him to agree that it is a goal for you to have stable employment so that you can contribute and be proud of what you are contributing. You need an eventual career path. Ask him what he needs to feel more confidence. But at the same time, you need to own your own growth. He is not your parent and you do need to make your own decisions. Talk to him and see if he will help formulate a plan that you will put into action. When he sees that you are driving positive change, he's going to have more confidence in you.

 

Enough rambling by me. I gotta go do something productive. Good luck.

[Thicke2013]

Have you ever thought of volunteering at a rehab program or a shelter of some sort? I have a friend that nearly killed himself running from the police in a chase while high, drunk, and on pills.He was so addicted to Oxycontin and hydrocodone pills that he was taking 20+ a day at one point and still drinking. It was so severe that he had internal bleeding of the stomach and an infection of the stomach lining that almost killed him again. My point is this. He had tried to get clean and stay clean for several years with only temporary success. This last time he got out of the hospital he took a therapists advice and started volunteering at a local halfway house. He has been clean for 9 months and loves it! Those people give him a reason to live. They say one way to make your problems feel small is to focus on helping other people. You could start out small like a couple of hours a day, a few days a week. Maybe your BF could go with you to start with. I think it will help you focus more on your positive attributes than your negative ones. Once you have done this for a while and gained his trust to be back out into society in a somewhat normal fashion, you could look at getting a job. My friend is now employed at the halfway house. I truly feel that if he would have went to work somewhere else that he wouldn't be sober today. Just a thought. Good luck OP.

[moving2fast]

Wow, I really spend a big chunk of time stuck on me. It would be nice to do something to help another. I think tonight's conversation will be one to look forward to. I seriously didn't think I was good enough to be of assistance to anyone else.

[Thicke2013]

Wow, I really spend a big chunk of time stuck on me. It would be nice to do something to help another. I think tonight's conversation will be one to look forward to. I seriously didn't think I was good enough to be of assistance to anyone else.

 

Honestly, when you were/are struggling, the last person you want to listen to is someone who has never been in your shoes. They don't really know the struggles and cant empathize with you. You can empathize and share some of the methods you use or have used to get and stay clean. You can help them and they will help you but it has to be in a controlled environment where neither of you will be tempted to relapse. Good luck moving2fast.