Asked MM for NC break...

[MsMree]

My MM is going to see his W and C next week for 5 days and i really am sick of think'g of him sleep'g w/her- and it's not just that- i'm just sick of being in love w/a MM - so, i asked for a two wk. break w/NC - i want to see how i feel after having some time away from him.

 

Needless to say this is going to be very difficult...

 

 

As some of you may know, time together is not an issue for us - we spend every weekend together and some times during the week, too - we talk at least 6 times a day - i am with someone who truly is living two lives - family man on end and Marie's boyfriend on the other - this man has met my family, knows my neighbors, we have our own circle of friends - again, very difficult indeed. He is a daily part of my life - and a big part of it, too.

 

IN FACT - I'll be completely honest - i have never been able to go more than 2 days (we work in the same bldg.) w/not speaking to him - but that is why i am writing - and i'll continue to write/post/read whenever i can -

[lynnered]

so, i asked for a two wk. break w/NC - i want to see how i feel after having some time away from him.

 

i hope you find your answers to what would be best for MsMree,

my therapist told me to sit in a quiet room &feel myself LOL,

every time he says that i bust out laughing,i told him i don't know how he says clear your mind and try to feel what you really want relax ,basically mediating i think .

its hard 3 weeks since broke up with mm i still miss him ,but in a way i feel relieved ,before when I've broken up I've stayed home from work ,sad &crying .

i think of these times as it wasn't the right time to leave, like trying to quit smoking when you really don't want to you make a half ass attempt &end up smoking more because thats all you can think about .

anyway good luck whatever you decide to do I'm here for you.

[newby]

it sounds like its going to be tough,

thing is i have to say a two week break isnt really going to tell you how you feel without him in your life as you know that at the end of it he's still an option. two weeks of a permanent split isnt going to tell you how you feel without him in your life either. if you really want to see how you feel without him in your life you its going to be at least 6 months, thats when you'll know what it feels like to NOT BE SOMEBODYS MISTRESS. that is when you'll know how it feels to not be pining over somebody.

I'm not being unsympathetic or belittling your decision in any way.

I also really sympathise, I have no idea how you must feel, after all he is your proper boyfriend in every other way.

You never say what you want from the situation, you know he's never going to leave his wife, you also know he loves you though. What is it that you dont like about the situation? If I had known that my mm loved me I think it would have been very difficult to walk away as in alot of ways apart from the guilt the situation was okay with me. If I had also been able to see him very often AND speak to him every day, it would have been extremely difficult indeed.

So what is it about the situation that you do not like, thats all I'm wondering?

[LadyRLD]

Hi MsMree. I am glad you are making the decision of NC. But I have to agree with Newby. Two weeks isn't enough to make a change. Two weeks is just enough to miss him and that's about it. It's not even enough for him to miss you not like you should care. It is going to take Two weeks just to start the withdrawal process. It's not easy. if six months sound too long for you, Try at least a month or two. You can do it MsMree. It's just not fun knowing that he's giving someone else love and affection and not thinking of you. Or putting to the side when he has to do family things. He's not a real man.

 

He's a boy. Once you realize you are dealing with a boy then it should be easier to look down at him. A man would not cheat on his wife. Or a man would not string a woman along period because a man knows who he is and what he wants. A boy is still confused. He's too busy trying not to figure himself out so he surrounds himself with drama. He likes to keep his mind busy because if he really sat there and thought about what he was doing, he would find it very sad.

 

Keep your head up. He's just another human being like I said before. Cry, Cry, Cry. Read about self love, if you like to read. I love this book by Iyanla Vanzant called "in the meantime". It has examples of all kinds of relationshhips and it woke me up. Take a nice vacation. Or sit at home and be depressed until you get bored with the withdrawal phase and realize you are the prize. Teach yourself to know that you DO NOT NEED him. He may be giving you what you "think" you need and want. Why hold on to that? Isn't it better to be alone and painless then to come second to another female? It has to be hard to know that he treats her like she's superior to you just because she had his kids or stayed with him through life. I have been in that situation and realized that the guy is a needy loser. He can't be alone. So he makes sure he has a back up at all costs. Don't be his back up. He doesn't know how to love anyone but himself.

 

Do what you have to do, but take it one day at a time and understand there will be pain involved. It will take about a week of NC for you to feel good about not calling him. The first week you will have phone withdrawals. So best to leave your cell phone in the car or find ways to stay away from the phone. If you have the urge to call him, call a girlfriend or anyone else instead.

 

There is also another book called"Don't Call that Man". I forgot the name of the author but you could look it up on Amazon.com. It was a helpful book as well.

[LadyRLD]

If he calls you, don't call him back no matter what. He will try to break your NC by coming up with all kinds of bull*&t. My MM would call me during NC and I told him to not call me. He would say something really out of the ordinary like his cousin died. Then when he doesn't hear from me, he would say something like his friend committed suicide. I would laugh and still not call him. Only because I know that he is a liar. Any man who cheats, lies as well. I saw both sides. I am best friends with a MM who cheated. He lied left and right to both woman to keep them there. They lie soooo much it becomes pathological. So I at least got to see the MM side of it to know that they can easily lie to you without any remorse.

 

If you have to question if someone loves you then they do not. If they don't love you like you think you should be loved then the relationship is worthless. The only way you can tell if someone loves you is by their actions. They would sacrifice anything to be with you. I mean anything.

 

If you look at it, the MMs sacrificed losing their OWs just to stay with their families. It's sad but it's the truth. If he can be without you then he doesn't love you enough. He just loves the way you make him feel. Not stereotyping. Not all of them are that way. Some actually do leave to be with their OW. I also had another friend who had a wife and child and had been married for 20 years. He loved his OW enough to leave. His M was bad and he wanted out. The OW didn't want him. So he went through a really tough heartbreak because of her.

 

So the only way to know if he loves you is to see what he does when he loses you. That will be your answer. Good luck. We are all here for you if you should get weak. Sorry for the long replies. I just know exactly how you feel and are going to feel once you start NC.

[MsMree]

You never say what you want from the situation, you know he's never going to leave his wife, you also know he loves you though. What is it that you dont like about the situation? If I had known that my mm loved me I think it would have been very difficult to walk away as in alot of ways apart from the guilt the situation was okay with me. If I had also been able to see him very often AND speak to him every day, it would have been extremely difficult indeed.

So what is it about the situation that you do not like, thats all I'm wondering?

===============================================================================

 

Hey Newby: Well to answer your questions about what i don't like - i really want a future w/him - i want someone to argue w/about money, to run errands with, to complain about my cook'g. All this is impossible. Yes, he really is my proper boyfriend in alot of ways, but every night he has to be home for his phone calls from W and C - the ever present reminder that there is nothing proper about our situation. And since W knows that he "was" in love w/me and that i work w/him while she is 1,500 miles away, her phone calls are constant.

 

The whole situation sucks - he is moving out of his house and gett'g his own place and part of me says just hang on - the phone calls won't be an issue - we could be together every night etc. But... every 5 or 6 wks. he'll be going to TX to see his family (sleep w/wife, pretend he is happy family man). I mean really, what i have is not good enough for me and i will never have a future w/anyone if i am still in a relationship w/him - AND OF COURSE my mind tells me that i haven't wanted a relationship w/anyone until i met him.

 

This is what i do know - that while he is happy because i am in his life, that he believes i am the love of his life, i'm just making it easier for him to pretend that everything is fine w/his marriage - in fact everything IS fine in his marriage because he is happy, we are happy. Don't think i'm not hoping that this break-up will push him to finally make the break (I am) but i also know that alot of MM who leave end up going back because of guilt, miss'g kids, etc.

 

As for the two wks. I just put a time limit on it because i was pressured to do so - he leaves next wk. for TX and will be there for 5 days then returns - that will be about two wks. If i can get through 2 wks. i do believe i'll be on my way... if i made it sound like it was for good, he would not adhere to NC - like i said, we've been here before.

 

Today, when i was gett'g ready to leave, he passed by me and asked if the "break" was long enough -

HELLO!@%$!? He wasn't even able to go 5 hrs.!!!

 

The hard part for me is the fact that i'm trying to end this while i'm still in love w/him - we never, ever, argue or say harsh words to one another - it would be easier if i was end'g this because i was good and pissed-off because of the situation, but that is not the case - i'm end'g it because he will never be mine.

[lati2ude20]

You know sometimes I feel that we need to take a couple of steps back to actually move forward. I can only say that relapses can easily happen. Maybe it's just denial for me or just analysis of all of this crap we do to ourselves way too much.

 

Reading and taking in a lot from everyone today.It's so easy to say that we deserve more and yet tolerate the calls to and from the W & C and yet say actions speak louder than words. Look at the actions we get from th MM, basically settle for scraps.

 

Yes bitter but looking at it from the standpoint of getting enough nerve of my own to go into work tomorrow and feel the need to be just pissed off and wanting so bad to be strong.

 

I give you props, it may not be the first or last time of NC but at-least you have attempted it and are venturing down that path. That to me is a giant step forward!!! Are our relapses a form of weaning off the MM?

 

Only can say not even take it a day at a time. Take it one breath at a time somehow it has to get easier to breathe and exhale all of this out of our system.

 

Be well and please keep talking it helps all of us to some extent.

[Leaf]

What did he say when you asked for the 2 week break? Did he protest at all? Ask what was wrong? what?

[MsMree]

Well, Leaf, he didn't say much - he cried some - then got angry, then sad again. However, we've been here before and i'm not sure he believes this is it - maybe i feel the same way. He knows i deserve better but also knows he is not strong enough to let me go - he's stated this himself.

 

I don't know if any of you can relate to this - but everytime we've been here I intend to stick to NC but get hurt when he does too - part of me is scared to death he'll say, "You know, you are right. We cannot keep doing this."

IS THIS NORMAL? I always think that i am the one who should call the shots -

 

I'm not in good space today.

[newby]

of course its normal. thats the fear with ending any relationship where you still have feelings. maybe this is why i was asking, what do you want from it and what are you trying to achieve or rather what dont you like about the situation.

it seems to me that you are taking a gamble, you are asking for a break in the hope that he will realise that he cant live without you, but obviously the other possible scenario is that he realises he CAN live without you.

why are you doing this? you have already said you know he wont leave his wife/ children.

you also completely understand why he wont.

i'm not having a go at you by the way, i just think it helps sometimes if somebody else asks you a question, with me it did, there were things i was too scared to ask myself. not saying its the same with you at all.

i think everybody really knows what is right for them and how best to do things for them. it just takes being calm and "feeling yourself" as somebody else said (sorry cant remember who). i did alot of meditation before i got strong enough to walk away and my situation wasnt even a good one in lots of ways, altho im sure ive painted it worse than it was. it was only towards the end i realised how little i really meant.

at least msmree doing this might give you some more clues to what he really feels and thinks.

sorry i dont know if any of this is very helpful.

[lynnered]

MsMree,

your situation is very similar to mine i nc a few times before this &i do still love him he says he's leaving soon never pressured but made him aware of my time line ,part of the reason i nc this time is i know i make him happy ,we don't argue,have great talks,great sex life,he works nights she works days but anytime they are home the same time i get that call ,he's in a pissy mood me,what's wrong?him,well you might not want to hear this ,me you can tell me anything, basically it'll always be a argument,she tells him what to do ,don't go to the gym ,you need to stay in house with her his kid &her kid,she's 5 years older then him he began dating her at 19,he's not attracted to her ,feels she got preg to keep him stuck....

mrsmree when i have more time i would like to go in to all details with you as i said lots in common, as far a i know he loves me, he stays for child,he says one day ,one day!! the 2 months before this nc i am going through now were so miserable so glad i found this site!!

i was so angry inside ,tired of waiting thinking how weak he is for not leaving,mad about all the things she gets she treats him like crap and argues in front of his friends &embarrasses him yet she gets to go to pool nite (he said she insists on going)she gets him in her life i get crumbs .

anyway i know he will leave one day ,but why when home may be terrible but i go to my girlfriends she massages, me makes love ,talks jokes put me in a good mood?

we've been together since marriage began, &i think I've been keeping it together,so i walk away i know, it will fail not to sound conceited but i gave him a taste of what it should be like ,he will miss it, but i don't think 2 weeks or a month is enough,

we've done nc before never lasting more then a month,his time to start calling is coming, but i am ready this time ,blocked him from house phone .

you do what you feel best MsMree but i feel nc until i see separation papers will give that push and if you decide to do this stand firm !!but if we keep giving in why leave ?he can see kids whenever want girlfriend is around .

let him realize ,mm doesn't have to go through as much stress ,as we do there life is intact right now, where ours is filled with doubt, anger, loneliness

good luck MsMree

talk to you later

[newby]

how you doing msmree? hope you're feeling okay

((hugs))

[MsMree]

HAHAHAHA!!!!

 

****ty, but thanks for asking - Today i wanted to call him and tell him - HEY... forgot what i wanted to tell him (besides the obvious - i love him, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH). Actually, I wanted him to call me.

 

Look, i don't want to end my relationship w/him - i just want him to LEAVE - but that is not going to happen and i REFUSE to let my relationship w/him make things swell for him w/W.

 

And the whole work'g in the same bldg. thing sucks and doesn't suck! I saw him first thing this morning (smelled him first actually - GOD, I LOVE THE WAY HE SMELLS!) - i just kept walk'g. Very painful - i am so physically attracted to this man.

 

The worst part is what my head tells me - not the part of my brain that is responsible for intellect, mind you. The part that tries to convince me that he is over me, is glad to be finally moving on with his life - you know that part of the brain, don't you? The one that kicks you when you're down -LOL! I actually know this is low self-esteem. HEY!!! I AM THE BOMB!! NO MAN WOULD BE OVER ME ANY TIME SOON!! That is what i need to tell my brain.

 

I want to be over him and i do not want to be over him. Does this make sense to anyone at all?

 

BUT ONE THING I CAN SAY - today is day two and I don't think i've ever made it past that - tomorrow will be past that

[LadyRLD]

I know how you feel. I have done while I was intensely physically attracted to this guy. When I got over the anxiety, I started to realize what a real jerk he is. We never argued or anything. But Most MMs do not fight with the OW because they already have arguments with their Ws at home. Their Ws get to see the bad side and who he really is. While you get the fantasy version. It is not a real relationship if it's all roses all the time.

 

The only way NC is going to accomplish anything for you is the let him go. You can't be thinking about if you are going to lose him or not. If you love someone let them go, if they come back they are yours. If he gets over you and decides to stick with his W then you should be happy you let him go. Because he was going to stick with her whether you stayed around or not. You have to believe that because it's sooooo true.

 

If he decides to leave, then he really did have genuine feelings for you. If someone loves someone there would be nothing that can stop them from being with you. Even if you moved across the world and did not talk to them for years. If it was meant to be it will happen. Just let it happen naturally, don't force it.

 

In the meantime, NC, NC, NC!!!!!!! Keep it up. We are all proud of you for making it through the day!!!!

[MsMree]

Well, like every a.m. i check my mess'gs on work voicemail before going in so i know what awaits - there was a mess'g from HIM that he left @ 8:40 p. (last night) - IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN 48hrs of NC YET!!!

 

Needless to say i am in a TAIL-SPIN!! He stated that i am much better at "cold-turkey" than he is-that he cannot do "CT", he wanted to "gently reassure me that he loves me" and that he loves me more than he's ever been able to express -

 

Here's the kicker - after he left me the mess'g, he ended it w/"OK - i'll be probably be able to sleep now that i told you this." I knew he was the self-centered type even before i got involved w/him BUT THIS IS THE EPITOME OF SELFISHNESS!!!

 

What do i do - continue to ignore him? Re-establish that this IS NOT ABOUT HIM? I really do not know - i am not so naive that i don't see this is a ploy to get me talk'g to him - I KNOW THAt - I just don't think he is going to stop contact'g me any time soon. THOUGHTS? SUGGESTIONS?

 

p.s. i'll be check'g back throughout the day to gather some strength and feedback

[sami]

NC rarely works. It only adds to the thrill and excitement of getting together later. That makes it a new start all over again. The best sure way, in my opinion, is to look each other in the eyes. Communicate like responsible adults then you both agree, after reasonable and rational discusion, on a decision that will hopefully work for both of you. Talks must take place in a public place over cup of coffee. Not in your apartment following a sensible romantic dinner or lunch in between working hours.

[newby]

whilst i agree with sami, mm in my opinion are far too manipulative, selfish and childish to have this kind of a conversation with. i know whenever i tried with mine he would just be evasive or not commit to either decision etc, or if they are with you they will then just try to charm you, or they will walk away and leave you feeling angry and frustrated so you have to contact them.

i did have this type of conversation as much as possible but only after i had been through enough nc for him to realise that wasnt going to work and for me to be strong enough to have the conversation w/out worrying that he was going to get over me.

msmree, i hope you havent contacted him, if you have it doesnt matter you can start again.

in my opinion going nc is when you see more of their selfish manipulative behaviour, its what happened with me, to the point that it is painfully harsh but ultimately beneficial.

you have already spotted the tricks, keep spotting them, make it a game for yourself it makes it more fun, always keep one step ahead of him, spot the tricks before they come. you ARE calling the shots, you WONT be manipulated anymore. GIVE HIM A SHOCK. by this time he will be pretty complacent, he will be panicking but not enough, he will be fairly confident of what works with you. DONT LET HIM WIN.

You are doing good, keep going.

[MsMree]

Did you see my post from this a.m. (last one on p. 2 - before Sami's) Was hoping for some feedback from you.

[MsMree]

Newby - I did see your post - having blonde moment (i allow myself 3 per day)

[newby]

Hey msmree,

hows things going?

whats the latest?

did you ignore his messages?

i think its early days, early days to get any real insight from his behaviour, at the moment its all tricks an games, get past these first, keep up no contact, get some perspective, once you have perspective YOU will know, you will know more of the truth of it all, work on yourself, do what makes you feel good, even if you do it in the hope that it will make HIM miss you more, after all we are only human, go to the gym while he is away, join a yoga class, do stuff in your life that he doesnt know about, stuff that isnt shared with him, try some deep breathing, whenever you get a message from him try deep breathing and clear all thoughts from your mind, say to yourself i may reply but not yet not til im sure it is the right thing to do

[Owl]

I (respectfully!) disagree with Sami. The ONLY way to put an end to things is to do an NC...and to STICK TO IT. As long as you have contact, one or the other is going to want to continue the affair...and to some degree, you'll continue to invest emotionally in each other. That prevents either of you from investing in anyone else...it prevents the MM/MW from working on rebuilding their marriage, and it prevents the OM/OW from moving on and looking for someone who IS available to them.

 

The only way to get past the whole affair is for BOTH of you to decide to end it...and if one or the other can't, then the other person HAS to prevent contact until you both have the chance to "get over" the withdrawl that comes at the end of the relationship.

 

It would be nice if everyone were adult enough to "meet and have coffee and talk about it in public"...but sadly, most of the time that's not possible with people who were secretive enough to start the affair in the first place (I'm really aiming that at the MM/MW for the most part). If they were THAT adult...they wouldn't have strayed in the marriage in the first place. They would have either taken steps to FIX their marriage, or they would have taken steps to end that bad relationship before moving on to someone else.

 

Sami, it's entirely possible that you and the person you were involved with are that adult...but I would bet that you would be the exception, as opposed to the rule.

[izzybelle]

owl,

 

in most cases you probably are right about the NC but with MM#1 that wasn't an option as our paths cross frequently. and i can say that the first month after the A ended there was still that tension there, but not anymore. i think there may be more exceptions to that than we realize. when that A ended, i was hurt but no where near what i felt this last time and had no reason to even seek a site like this out, possibly because we DIDN'T try to do the whole NC thing!!!!! it was soooooo much easier to move on from. we all tend to base our opinions on our own experiences and those of others who post here forgetting that there are lots of people who mange making it through all of this without the need to seek out help from places like this. so our views end up being somewhat biased. i'm not saying that that is bad but we forget sometimes that there are a lot of people out there, in similar situations, who aren't here in LS because things have either turned out differently for them, or the situations just work themselves out like my first one did. there really was no need for NC in that case. the A was over, end of story and we both needed to be adult about it and move on.....

 

it really does depend on the people involved. and while NC is probably the most logical choice in many of these cases, i think there really are a lot of people out there who mange moving past the A without going to that extreme.

[newby]

izzy, i agree with you in many ways, all situations are different and there are alternative solutions. however in this case where msmree's mm is still trying to continue the affair its going to make it: A: very hard to change the dynamics and B: very hard to get perspective

IMO msmree has 3 choices:

1:continue with A and accept it

2:continue with A and keep badgering mm to leave w and be with only her

3:do n/c and see what happens

at the very least msmree will get some distance from the situation with the option she has chosen and possibly the adult conversation will come after that

[MsMree]

Well, i made it through yesterday and was pretty strong, too - MM respected NC the entire day.

 

Feeling a little shakey this a.m. - "OMG!! It's really over!!" is running through my head - Again, don't want this to be over, it just has to be over.

 

Almost forgot - I got a BIG promotion at my job yesterday, which comes w/bigger office, better pay, etc.!!! This is something i've wanted for a long time - so... things aren't all doom and gloom - LOL!

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!!!

[newby]

my posts keep getting deleted???

anyway, fantastic news!

you are doing great!!!