Author MsMree Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 HELP!!!! I have been doing really well - i'm not sure who suggested to make this a "game" but it is helping - This morning he sent me this email: "Listen, I have an issue that I need an independent opinion on...professionally speaking. If you'd let me bounce it off of you, that'd be great...if not, I'd understand that, too. Just let me know" Well my reply was simply, "sorry, i cannot help you with this" - that was all - but my heart has been in my damn throat since he sent it - NO GOOD CAN COME OF NC if i am there for him in any capacity!!! Any "help" i give him is only making his marriage "work" - I am also afraid of the repercussions that my response is going to bring - probably ANGER!! Not directed toward me, my fear is not of him but that he will get over me - of course i don't want that - i want to get over him or have him... Ladies, what is next? For the ones that have been there, what should i expect? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Just remember by playing a little game with him - YOU can't control his reactions, good or bad...And if he decides he's over you and wants to move on he will....Just be prepared for anything to happen. I would communicate it all in an email. Then see how it reads. Doesn't mean you send it to him now, but atleast you're getting out those thoughts and feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyRLD Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Hi MsMree. I am sooo happy that you are doing NC and staying strong. Here is what is going to happen. LIke I told you with my MM, he even went as far as to say his cousin died and his best friend committed suicide just to get a reaction out of me. Your MM will do the same. He is going to keep fishing for awhile just to see if you are really serious. He's going to start with little things like he already has with the email. Then he's going to up the stakes and try a different approach until he finally learns to respect you and realize you are serious. Right now, he's not respecting you. If you ask a man to give you space and not contact you, he should do it if he has any respect for you. If you stick to your guns, he will respect you and either move on with his life or give up his M and be with you. I wouldn't expect the latter. I had enough friends to know if a MM wanted to be with his OW, he would have done it in a heartbeat. I know a MM who has done it and he had kids. He had been with his wife for 20 years. But he truly and deeply loved the OW and truly, honestly did not love his wife any longer. There wasn't anything to think about. Men use children as an excuse to keep the OW an OW. OW use MM staying with their wives for the children's sake as an excuse to make themselves feel better. Believe me, men want that loving feeling too. The bottomline is, the reason he's not leaving his wife is because he loves her enough to not give her up. His actions show it because he is still with her. Nothing he says mean anything. I am sorry that's harsh but in your case he's just a cakeman. He will find another OW once he knows you aren't weak enough to play the role any longer. First he has to keep trying on you because he became comfortable with you and you were convenient. You didn't argue with him. You made it easy for him to be a cakeman. He doesn't want the agony of finding another OW because most of them won't put up with his crap like you did. It has nothing to do with love. I am sorry to be harsh but I was an OW with my eyes opened. I learned a lot from my MM. He told me he just loves women but he would never give up the mother of his children because he loves her in a different way. Whatever that means!! He'd rather keep playing around. The OW were just for physical purposes and he would tell them anything. He even pretended to have a relationship with an OW just to keep her around while on the weekends he was enjoying his W and family. It took two for the OW to find out he never loved her and had a whole other life that didn't include her. She was devastated. It didn't phase him one bit. He just replaced her with someone else for two years; Me :0) You have to be OK with him getting over you. If he does get over you then you know he didn't really care about you like he says he does. All you need to focus on is getting over him Do not hold on to any feelings for him. Let him go completely. Don't even think of him leaving his family. Expect the worse then you won't be disappointed or maybe pleasantly surprised. You don't want him as he is right now anyway. You want him to change. Once he changes into the man you want him to be (divorced) then maybe you will give him another chance. Until then, he doesn't deserve you as far as you are concerned. Focus on moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Well my reply was simply, "sorry, i cannot help you with this" - QUOTE excellent response-well done!! I am also afraid of the repercussions that my response is going to bring - probably ANGER!! Not directed toward me, my fear is not of him but that he will get over me - of course i don't want that - i want to get over him or have him... QUOTE this is partly just scary because you are doing something different it is a fear of the unknown, before things were comfortable, now everything is being thrown in the air and YOU are the one doing it, this fear will likely cause you to imagine the worst possible outcome its what happens with me in any case, but its all okay, its part of a process, it IS something you need to do. sometimes we dont realise how much we are compromising ourselves to keep things the same, in just that place where we can kid ourselves most of the time that things are ok. i want to get over him or have him... QUOTE keep doing what youre doing and you will most certainly end up with one of these scenarios, might not be immediate...but it will happen Ladies, what is next? For the ones that have been there, what should i expect? QUOTE msmree i do not know, my guess from the way that i'm feeling now is that it is cycles, but each time you go round the bend isnt quite as sharp... Link to post Share on other sites
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