Iluv Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 My H and i have finally separated. For good this time. He's living with his mom and i'm waiting for my place to finish up. The last time we talked about the divorce was in april... this time i didn't fight it the way i used to. I just gave up and gave him the go ahead. Didn't hear about the divorce till i brought it up last month. Asked him when he was planning to file... and he says he'd "look into it early next month" Ok...fine. June is here.. and it's almost over. I ended up getting a job in the medical field... a job that i thought i'd never get- so that's blessing. I also got a house that he doesn't know much about (location). Anyway, I msged him tonight asking him what the status was on the divorce. He pushed the date once again, blamed it on school said that he'd file it once his summer classes was over in July. It's been a year and a half and he's not find day to file for the divorce. Once Spring semester ended, he found time to take a vacation somewhere leaving me to handle the last minute things around the house before the lease ended. Now that i ask him about the status he wants to push the divorce date once again to july. I confronted him on it. I've been living in this limbo for so long i can't do it anymore. So i told him to file it. He replies with a "i'll figure out how to fit it in to my busy schedule to do what you're telling me to do." It made me furious to hear him talk about the divorce as if it was something that i've always wanted. Then I corrected him and told him that this is something that he had started a year a half ago... and he should finish it and i told him how he has had multiple opportunities to file for the divorce and not just this month. (always came up with excuses: no money, no time, busy... but i saw otherwise: bought a brand new TV, went on vacations, had days where he came home and played video games or slept all day) I also mentioned that this is just the result of it me waiting for so long. Then he replies.. "okay then i'll do it, when i get to it since it's what i want." I felt like he was finding ways to stall again. Here i am trying to explain to him that i'm saying "YES, FILE!" Now he finds reasons not to file. Yet when i was in the house with him trying to talk to him about what we can do (counseling etc).. he was so sure he wanted this divorce. He'd tell me he'd file "next week" and call me things like "desperate". Now that i am no longer fighting him on it it's like he either doesn't want to talk about it or he's finding reasons to stall. If it's not school, it's money, if it's not money it's school/work. I don't get it. When i move forward he wants to pull me back? I know the next question will probably be "why don't you file?" I have to wait till next month to file because i have to be living in the state continuously for 6 months to file. I have a lawyer and I have an appointment with her to talk about the "game plan" for next month. So if he doesn't file i will end up filing. At the end of our convo, he tells me that he doesn't want the house and i need to "relax" but i told him.. "it's not the house, i also would like to move on." and he didn't reply. I have good days then i have days where the thoughts just consume me and i just want to stay in bed and cry. While he's out there living it up. Has anyone else gone through this? - Have their husbands stall?? I just want to try and understand. My friends and IC say he's not going to file. My IC says "he says things he doesn't mean" So does that mean he doesn't want the divorce? All of my friends say he doesn't want a divorce but he can't say it. I'm so confused. I don't understand how someone who spoke about being independent, and being "free" rather than being "tied down" wouldn't just file for the divorce rather than search for excuses. Some advice would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 It's not about what he wants, it's what you want. He seems to show little thought to your feelings. You are allowing him to pull your strings... Do you have children? If not then I wouldn't even contact him. Take control so you can move on, waiting for him ' who keeps fobbing you off with lame excuses' is just holding you back and dragging you down if he is dragging his feet intentionally, do you really want this person in your life? If you are truly honest and look at who he is and how he makes you feel inside...I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want him back SS x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iluv Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 It's not about what he wants, it's what you want. He seems to show little thought to your feelings. You are allowing him to pull your strings... Do you have children? If not then I wouldn't even contact him. Take control so you can move on, waiting for him ' who keeps fobbing you off with lame excuses' is just holding you back and dragging you down if he is dragging his feet intentionally, do you really want this person in your life? If you are truly honest and look at who he is and how he makes you feel inside...I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want him back SS x No Kids.. just step kids.. but since we separated he left them at his mothers house while he goes around vacationing and having his fun. Link to post Share on other sites
ashleyjohn Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 You just need to step out of this relation. Don't give it a second thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iluv Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 Step kids are his.. from his first marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 You can still 'if you want' see the kid, doesn't mean you need contact with him.. Even better if they are with his mother. Have a clear line though... This is your life, don't put it on hold trying to hold onto parts of your old relationship. No contact... Move forward on your terms, for your happiness n growth Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iluv Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 You can still 'if you want' see the kid, doesn't mean you need contact with him.. Even better if they are with his mother. Have a clear line though... This is your life, don't put it on hold trying to hold onto parts of your old relationship. No contact... Move forward on your terms, for your happiness n growth We had this whole conversation about it a couple months ago. He won't let me. I've asked. He said.. "what for? so you can leave their life again? " then he continues and says a comment about if i "missed them so much" then i should go to his moms and watch the kids rather than his "old ass mom" I told him i couldn't unless i knew we would be working on our relationship because i knew something had to change in our marriage. He said they don't ask for me so i've just left it at that. I raised them for 6 years and i miss them. Sometimes i think about it and i just picture them happier cause of the way he painted me out to be... he painted me out to be like some evil-stepmom but the truth is i would've done anything for those kids. I gave them what i could, a home. And now i can't even talk to them. During the first couple of months we were separated i received a phone call from their grandmother (a grandmother i never spoke to, their bio-mom's, mom.) i think it was one of the kids calling me and trying to get a hold of me but i never found out. When i called to see who it was... they didnt' know who i was (the grandmother had her phone again) Link to post Share on other sites
Shocked Suzie Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 We had this whole conversation about it a couple months ago. He won't let me. I've asked. He said.. "what for? so you can leave their life again? " then he continues and says a comment about if i "missed them so much" then i should go to his moms and watch the kids rather than his "old ass mom" I told him i couldn't unless i knew we would be working on our relationship because i knew something had to change in our marriage. He said they don't ask for me so i've just left it at that. I raised them for 6 years and i miss them. Sometimes i think about it and i just picture them happier cause of the way he painted me out to be... he painted me out to be like some evil-stepmom but the truth is i would've done anything for those kids. I gave them what i could, a home. And now i can't even talk to them. During the first couple of months we were separated i received a phone call from their grandmother (a grandmother i never spoke to, their bio-mom's, mom.) i think it was one of the kids calling me and trying to get a hold of me but i never found out. When i called to see who it was... they didnt' know who i was (the grandmother had her phone again) How about writing a letter to them?? Just write down your feelings and that you love them and make sure they somehow 'if needed' have contact email or number for them.... Maybe send them. Bday Xmas cards to let them know you always thick of them. :-/ not easy hey Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iluv Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 How about writing a letter to them?? Just write down your feelings and that you love them and make sure they somehow 'if needed' have contact email or number for them.... Maybe send them. Bday Xmas cards to let them know you always thick of them. :-/ not easy hey I've thought about it but i have a feeling they'll intercept it somehow and not even give it to the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Iluv Posted June 17, 2014 Author Share Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) I had the hardest time sleeping last night. Just thinking about how he keeps stalling. Is it his pride? Everyone says he probably doesn't want the divorce and tbh i don't either... but i don't know what to do. I feel like i'm just stuck. Even with all the other things that's happening, i just feel stuck. I have even suggested we go to the courthouse together and file it together... and he says "i'll let you know" I've quite fighting with him on this divorce. I finally thew my hands up and gave him what he wants, yet now he doesn't want to do anything about it. Edited June 17, 2014 by Iluv Link to post Share on other sites
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