Cheated on me because I can't cook

[verawen12]

This is the backstory if you want to read about it.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/481286-bf-2-5-years-suddenly-cheated-me

 

A few days have passed since I posted it and I've managed to calmly discuss it with him. He told me a lot of things than he initially did at the start. Before I begin there were some issues in the relationship but I didn't think they were important enough to address. Since last September I've gained some weight, started wearing glasses, and not dressing well. He regards cooking very highly in a woman but I'm not good at it and haven't made much effort to be. He wanted me to start exercising and practice cooking but for the most part I would dismiss what he said. He has told me countless times in the past year to change even threatening to break up each time. And each time I said I would change and I did but only for a day or two.

 

Two weeks ago he had picked up a girls number to show his friend how it was done as he was still a virgin in his mid twenties. The girls name is Kim.

 

Two days before he cheated we had an argument about this issue again and I told him for the next 4 days I would come over everyday to learn how to cook from his mom. On the second day in the morning I decided to go back to my own place instead as I had work. I thought he was fine with it but I didn't realize he was angry about it. When he was at work it just so happened that Kim messaged him saying she would cook for him. And he decided to go over with the intention of telling me so I would realize that if I didn't cook for him other girls were willing to. Hoping that I would change.

 

As he started eating dinner he got more and more angry at me since she was a good cook. At this point she invited him back into her bedroom and that is when he decided to cheat on me. He was angry at me. He wanted to hurt me. He succeeded in that one. He wanted me to know that if I didn't appreciate him other girls would. He pushed her head down and she undressed them both where he touched her body. I've had to ask a hundred questions to get all this information from him as he has a tendency to tell snippets of information. He had said he did it mainly. After 30 minutes of her sucking him I guess he cooled down a little because he realized what he was doing was wrong and got up and left after that.

 

I don't doubt anything he has said or if he had done more than that. He's the type of person who wouldn't lie about these things but I'm annoyed that 2 days before it Kim had called him late at night. When I questioned who she was he wouldn't tell me. I asked him specifically if he intended to cheat would he tell me ? He answered yes. He argues at that when I asked him he had no intention of cheating or seeing her. And he didn't want the drama I would give him if he told me how he met her.

 

I asked him why he cheated on me. He said it was 70% anger and 30% desire for the other woman. He said he did it to make me change my ways but I'm sure that did it because he wanted to hurt me.

 

Here comes the interesting part. He regretted what he had done because of our history but he felt that I deserved it. So that explains the lack of remorse on his part. He took 3 days to tell me. We were planning to move to to a new city next month. After work he said he was reconsidering us moving in together. Then he said he would move in with me as long as he could sleep with other girls for a month. I cried and then he said he was reconsidering sleeping with other girls. He had tears in his eyes at this point. I should of known. What's worse ? A blowjob or me having sex with her ? He asked. I obviously picked the former.

 

He then said to me "Promise me that you'll give me no drama over what I'm going to tell you tonight and I'll move in with you." "I already had a blowjob last week."

 

Turns out he didn't want to do any of those things. He was just preparing me for what he was going to tell me. My boyfriend thought that by creating a fake worse scenario that's worse than the one we're currently in would make me feel better about it. As if to say well thank god he's not going to sleep with her ! I'm so glad he didn't do it because he wants to have sex with other girls !

He only hurt me more by doing this. When he told me I went ballistic unfortunately he didn't seem to care and almost seemed to enjoy it. After the anger, disbelief and screaming passed I became depressed but I faked being happy to try and make the relationship work.

 

Part of me wants to just disappear from his life forever but I can't. I have trouble connecting to people so I have very few friends. But me and my boyfriend really connected and I felt lost and lonely before I met him. You would have trouble finding a guy better than him before he cheated. I was an outcast in high school. He's very intelligent and has a job other people respect whereas I was at low ranked university compared to his. I have now quit my course to move with him. To be honest I hated it anyway. It's humiliating to have my friends and family know if we split. There are already so many reasons why I can't leave him aside from the fact that I love him albeit less than before.

 

When I was genuinely depressed and he could see that I was pretending to be normal. That's when he realized how badly he had hurt me and our relationship. He started crying. He said it was a mistake and he understood if I would leave him. He told me it was the worst decision he ever made. He said what he did not only hurt me and it hurt him as well.

 

I understand why he did it and how to prevent it. However I'm having trouble forgiving him. I want him to suffer every bit as much as I have. But I don't know how to do that without jeopardising the relationship. His parents are separated as his mum cheated. I've already told his mum who now looks at him differently. He didn't want me to but I said I needed to tell someone. I want to tell his dad but I' afraid of the backlash. I feel like he's getting away with it too easily. Right now my tears are gone for the most part but my resentment hasn't.

 

What do you think I should do? I can't dump him.

[PegNosePete]

What do you think I should do? I can't dump him.

Why not?

You'd rather be treated this way forever?

Because he is NOT going to change.

He is NOT a decent guy. No decent, good guy would ever do the things he has done.

You need to WAKE UP.

[Haydn]

The inability to produce a really good Risotto should not be reason enough to cheat.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh for Pete's sake, you don't really believe this is about cooking, do you?! Come on, OP. This was about his desire to park his pony in someone else. My advice from your previous thread stands: your boyfriend is a loser, and you need to offload him stat.

 

And don't tell yourself you "can't" dump him. Of course you can.

[jay1983]

This is about the ****tiest excuse I've ever heard.

[Els]

He has told me countless times in the past year to change even threatening to break up each time. And each time I said I would change and I did but only for a day or two.

 

Two weeks ago he had picked up a girls number to show his friend how it was done as he was still a virgin in his mid twenties. The girls name is Kim.

 

I stopped reading at this.

 

I don't usually say this, but if you meekly accept this sort of treatment, you can't really be surprised that you received more crappy treatment as a reward.

 

Solution: Stop putting up with crappy treatment and leave.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

You've gained weight, can't cook and have stopped taking care of yourself altogether... I have to ask, what exactly is the benefit of this relationship to your boyfriend again?

 

This is not to excuse his cheating or act as if he is in any way justified in his actions, (he isn't) however you seem to lack basic maintenance skills that should come natural to every woman one on earth.

 

If you choose to stay with him (which you shouldn't, by the way) while simultaneously refusing to improve yourself then you will suffer more of the same from him. Your bf is a cheating piece of skit but since you refuse to dump him you had better learn to cook well, drop the weight and start caring more about your appearance and see if that pleases him.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

In one part you say that he felt you deserved it and showed lack of remorse and negotiated the terms of your relationship around his cheating. Later, after you give all of your ridiculous excuses for staying, you say how he cried and was so sorry he hurt you and regretted it. SO which is it??

 

Do you honestly believe any of this has anything to do with you not knowing how to cook?? Do you honestly believe that this kind of relationship is the best you can do? You're going to end your classes and move with him after all this and you know what? This will just be the beginning. Because you have just proven to him that he can do whatever the hell he wants to you, give you whatever lame ass excuses, even blame you, and you will stay right there and nod your head and try to come up with ways to fix it and make it better.

 

Wake up.

[Candy_Pants]

The inability to produce a really good Risotto should not be reason enough to cheat.

 

You obviously have no idea how difficult making risotto is!!

 

OP. Your boyfriend is an *******. If you won't dump him, why are you here? What are you hoping to hear?

[verawen12]

In one part you say that he felt you deserved it and showed lack of remorse and negotiated the terms of your relationship around his cheating. Later, after you give all of your ridiculous excuses for staying, you say how he cried and was so sorry he hurt you and regretted it. SO which is it??

 

Do you honestly believe any of this has anything to do with you not knowing how to cook?? Do you honestly believe that this kind of relationship is the best you can do? You're going to end your classes and move with him after all this and you know what? This will just be the beginning. Because you have just proven to him that he can do whatever the hell he wants to you, give you whatever lame ass excuses, even blame you, and you will stay right there and nod your head and try to come up with ways to fix it and make it better.

 

Wake up.

Well at first he felt no remorse but then the realization of what he had done hit him. And it was then that he showed true remorse over it. Unfortunately I do believe him. It was a combination of factors not just cooking. I had let myself go in this past year. He wanted me to improve myself, exercise etc. He felt that I wasn't listening to anything he was saying seriously. He had treated me well before all of this happened. He doesn't treat me like a rag doll. Although he's egotistical he knows when he's done wrong. I'm 100 % sure that my lack of effort in cooking is what drove him to go to that woman's apartment. But whether that drove him to cheating I'm in doubt now.

[PegNosePete]

whether that drove him to cheating I'm in doubt now.

OK let me spell it out for you.

 

It's impossible to DRIVE someone to cheating.

 

Cheating was HIS choice and HIS choice alone.

 

If he was unhappy with your cooking, weight, appearance, language, hairstyle, friends, or ANYTHING else, then that is NOT justification for cheating. If he was unhappy with any of those things then he should have talked to you about them. If you didn't change and he was sufficiently upset about them then he should have split up with you, NOT cheated. There is NO excuse for cheating. It is WRONG WRONG WRONG and nothing you can do, would ever drive a good man to cheat. It was HIS choice. Never ever let yourself be blamed for HIS crappy decisions. The mere fact that he is trying to blame YOU for HIS actions, speaks volume about his character. He is not sorry. He is blaming you for his cheating. That is not the action of a remorseful person.

[Haydn]

sticky rice is a real bind.

 

You obviously have no idea how difficult making risotto is!!

 

OP. Your boyfriend is an *******. If you won't dump him, why are you here? What are you hoping to hear?

[lonegirl]

I mean, really?

 

Are you going to stay with an idiot that treats you like THIS? What would he say if you cheated on him because he can't grill a burger the way YOU want?

 

C'mon!

 

1. Dump him.

2. Dump him.

3. Learn how to make that pie he likes properly, but I must warn you he STILL may like his OW's pie as well.

4. Did I say DUMP HIM?

[Emilia]

Well at first he felt no remorse but then the realization of what he had done hit him. And it was then that he showed true remorse over it. Unfortunately I do believe him. It was a combination of factors not just cooking. I had let myself go in this past year. He wanted me to improve myself, exercise etc. He felt that I wasn't listening to anything he was saying seriously. He had treated me well before all of this happened. He doesn't treat me like a rag doll. Although he's egotistical he knows when he's done wrong. I'm 100 % sure that my lack of effort in cooking is what drove him to go to that woman's apartment. But whether that drove him to cheating I'm in doubt now.

You really need to sort out your self-esteem if you think anything you have typed here is acceptable.

[lonegirl]

Well at first he felt no remorse but then the realization of what he had done hit him. And it was then that he showed true remorse over it. Unfortunately I do believe him. It was a combination of factors not just cooking. I had let myself go in this past year. He wanted me to improve myself, exercise etc. He felt that I wasn't listening to anything he was saying seriously. He had treated me well before all of this happened. He doesn't treat me like a rag doll. Although he's egotistical he knows when he's done wrong. I'm 100 % sure that my lack of effort in cooking is what drove him to go to that woman's apartment. But whether that drove him to cheating I'm in doubt now.

 

Was your boyfriend abusive? Did he ever called you names or made you feel worthless (calling you fat, ugly, lazy, stupid)? You sound to me as someone with a very low self esteem and your words are from a person that is dealing with emotional abuse.

[No Limit]

Get out of there. Dump his sorry ass already.

And don't fall the excuses and accusations. Bad cooking skills? Are you friggin' kidding me?

 

Be sure to mention his terrible skills in bed when you kick him to the curb, that guy needs to come down from his high horse.

[MidwestUSA]

OP, you settled for a guy who's been in your social circle since you were little kids. You're what? 20ish? And you've put on weight and stopped dressing nicely. Plus, there's your refusal to learn how to cook. Not saying you should, but you did promise to make the attempt, knowing that he values a woman who cooks over one with an education/career.

 

There's only one way to say this:

 

 

WTF is wrong with you?!

 

 

Dump this guy and get out and get a life. You've not experienced a fraction of what life is about or has to offer. Is this all you aspire to? To be the girlfriend of a guy who considers you his dumping ground? Sheesh.

[dragon_fly_7]

OP, why are you settling for less and what's wrong with your self-esteem? Don't intend to sound harsh but it's saddens and at the same time angers me when I heard about another woman getting treated poorly or continue trying to please a man because she's afraid of ending up alone.

 

Even if you end up single for a while that's better than being with a man that not only finds chessy excuse to cheat (no excuse for cheat whatsoever) but tries dictating what type of roles you should do and what a gf should be like.

 

Is this how you want to continue with your life? Having a man dictate it for you? This years of staying for the heck of it and pleasing the man because that's how it is are long, long gone already. Now, we have choices.

 

If a potential bf even suggested me to quit my last year of college and how not being a great cook is annoying him, he can take a hike. First comes my own happiness.

[verawen12]

OK let me spell it out for you.

 

It's impossible to DRIVE someone to cheating.

 

Cheating was HIS choice and HIS choice alone.

 

If he was unhappy with your cooking, weight, appearance, language, hairstyle, friends, or ANYTHING else, then that is NOT justification for cheating. If he was unhappy with any of those things then he should have talked to you about them. If you didn't change and he was sufficiently upset about them then he should have split up with you, NOT cheated. There is NO excuse for cheating. It is WRONG WRONG WRONG and nothing you can do, would ever drive a good man to cheat. It was HIS choice. Never ever let yourself be blamed for HIS crappy decisions. The mere fact that he is trying to blame YOU for HIS actions, speaks volume about his character. He is not sorry. He is blaming you for his cheating. That is not the action of a remorseful person.

 

The thing is he had talked to me seriously about all of those things and had threaten to break up over it. Each time I would assure him I would do all those things he asked but after one or two days I stopped because I thought I would get away it. I think what all of you have to understand in this situation is that my boyfriend places the ability to cook as highly as a woman expects her man to have a job. My boyfriend has never been emotionally abusive and had actually treated me quite well. We had a very happy relationship. He told me it was the worst day of his life when the realization of what he'd done hit him. Since then he's been very patient and nice to me. I'm not so much as a doormat that I would be with someone who emotionally abuses me or shows no remorse over it.

[MidwestUSA]

The thing is he had talked to me seriously about all of those things and had threaten to break up over it. Each time I would assure him I would do all those things he asked but after one or two days I stopped because I thought I would get away it. I think what all of you have to understand in this situation is that my boyfriend places the ability to cook as highly as a woman expects her man to have a job. My boyfriend has never been emotionally abusive and had actually treated me quite well. We had a very happy relationship. He told me it was the worst day of his life when the realization of what he'd done hit him. Since then he's been very patient and nice to me. I'm not so much as a doormat that I would be with someone who emotionally abuses me or shows no remorse over it.

 

Okay, since you've justified and rationalized his behavior, and he's such a nice (and remorseful) guy, why not go the extra step and do as he asks? Why the rebellion against cooking, and why would you phrase it 'because I thought I would get away with it'.

 

 

You've got a really strange dynamic going on there.

[verawen12]

OP, why are you settling for less and what's wrong with your self-esteem? Don't intend to sound harsh but it's saddens and at the same time angers me when I heard about another woman getting treated poorly or continue trying to please a man because she's afraid of ending up alone.

 

Even if you end up single for a while that's better than being with a man that not only finds chessy excuse to cheat (no excuse for cheat whatsoever) but tries dictating what type of roles you should do and what a gf should be like.

 

Is this how you want to continue with your life? Having a man dictate it for you? This years of staying for the heck of it and pleasing the man because that's how it is are long, long gone already. Now, we have choices.

 

If a potential bf even suggested me to quit my last year of college and how not being a great cook is annoying him, he can take a hike. First comes my own happiness.

 

My self esteem has always been low as I had trouble connecting with others. There's nothing wrong with me and I've put myself in social situations. The only thing that holds me back from making friends I'm missing that vital "click" when you become friends with someone. But when I'm with my boyfriend it's like I don't need anyone else, just him. We really connected and that's the main reason why I can't break up with him. He is the type of man who expects me too cook and clean for him. Otherwise he doesn't care about whether I have a job or not. To be honest I hated going to university. I thought I would make close friends but it didn't happen. Just friends who you work in assignments with.

 

I also realized I had picked the wrong course. Business which involved a lot of presentations which I had trouble with. I'm not smart and I lacked motivation in studying so I didn't do well in university. My boyfriend encouraged me to finish my studies but I hated it. Both of us didn't want a long distance relationship so when he asked me to move in with him I was happy to do it.

[MidwestUSA]

My self esteem has always been low as I had trouble connecting with others. There's nothing wrong with me and I've put myself in social situations. The only thing that holds me back from making friends I'm missing that vital "click" when you become friends with someone. But when I'm with my boyfriend it's like I don't need anyone else, just him. We really connected and that's the main reason why I can't break up with him. He is the type of man who expects me too cook and clean for him. Otherwise he doesn't care about whether I have a job or not. To be honest I hated going to university. I thought I would make close friends but it didn't happen. Just friends who you work in assignments with.

 

I also realized I had picked the wrong course. Business which involved a lot of presentations which I had trouble with. I'm not smart and I lacked motivation in studying so I didn't do well in university. My boyfriend encouraged me to finish my studies but I hated it. Both of us didn't want a long distance relationship so when he asked me to move in with him I was happy to do it.

 

 

 

So basically, you're happy being a dependent. What happens if he breaks up with you? No education, no job, and no friends.

[Zahara]

There's nothing wrong with me and I've put myself in social situations.But when I'm with my boyfriend it's like I don't need anyone else, just him. .

 

So I have low confidence and low self-esteem. So when my boyfriend walked into my life I became really happy. Before I felt lost but being with him I didn't any longer.

 

I didn't have to read much because this is absolutely insane.

 

You have low self-esteem. Poor self worth. Period. When someone has low self-esteem, they do not see value in themselves unless there is someone feeding it to them. He feeds you your "self-esteem". They're lost when they don't have someone in their life filling that void. So you cling to what makes you feeling good, even when it is bad for you. Bad validation is still validation.

 

You can delude yourself into believing whatever it is you need to believe to make this RIGHT in your head. You have conditioned yourself to accept so little because you believe you deserve nothing.

 

Believing that someone cheats because you can't cook is ludicrous. Next he'll cheat because you don't fold the clothes right and you'll sit there and play dumb and accept it. Is this for real?

 

No one can say anything on here until you realize that this is wrong, unhealthy and it's time to want better.

[dragon_fly_7]

My self esteem has always been low as I had trouble connecting with others. There's nothing wrong with me and I've put myself in social situations. The only thing that holds me back from making friends I'm missing that vital "click" when you become friends with someone. But when I'm with my boyfriend it's like I don't need anyone else, just him. We really connected and that's the main reason why I can't break up with him. He is the type of man who expects me too cook and clean for him. Otherwise he doesn't care about whether I have a job or not. To be honest I hated going to university. I thought I would make close friends but it didn't happen. Just friends who you work in assignments with.

I also have trouble making friends and till this day at the age of 27 can't seem to click with anyone besides one of my close friends who I see rarely see and my family. I only talk about assignments in my campus too. It's nothing to feel about. Having an active social life can be negative too because then you have to deal with certain friends being jealous of you as rumors and cattiness. I'm glad I don't have to deal with neither of that.

I also realized I had picked the wrong course. Business which involved a lot of presentations which I had trouble with. I'm not smart and I lacked motivation in studying so I didn't do well in university. My boyfriend encouraged me to finish my studies but I hated it. Both of us didn't want a long distance relationship so when he asked me to move in with him I was happy to do it.

Even if he was a great guy, as soon as I get cheated on that would be enough for me to walk away, no matter if I hardly have any friends. I'd rather be single and with no friends than take a cheater back.

 

OP, do work on yourself more. Instead of thinking you can't do better, think the opposite. The more low of yourself you think, the more certain guys will take advantage of that. And there is no reason whatsoever for someone to cheat. He cheated because he wanted to and didn't have self-control, not because you can't cook.

 

Even if a man was thrown in a room with super models, I believe if he did love his gf and has strong morals, he would even have enough self-restrain to walk out and masturbate when he's home.

Edited June 17, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[clia]

My self esteem has always been low as I had trouble connecting with others. There's nothing wrong with me and I've put myself in social situations. The only thing that holds me back from making friends I'm missing that vital "click" when you become friends with someone. But when I'm with my boyfriend it's like I don't need anyone else, just him. We really connected and that's the main reason why I can't break up with him. He is the type of man who expects me too cook and clean for him. Otherwise he doesn't care about whether I have a job or not. To be honest I hated going to university. I thought I would make close friends but it didn't happen. Just friends who you work in assignments with.

 

I also realized I had picked the wrong course. Business which involved a lot of presentations which I had trouble with. I'm not smart and I lacked motivation in studying so I didn't do well in university. My boyfriend encouraged me to finish my studies but I hated it. Both of us didn't want a long distance relationship so when he asked me to move in with him I was happy to do it.

 

I'm not condoning his cheating at all...but...

 

He explicitly told you what he wanted out of a relationship. He wants the traditional woman who cooks and cleans. He wants you to take care of yourself and exercise. You refused to do any of these things.

 

It sounds like you quit school to move with him. Are you working? If not, what are you doing all day? Why not cook a meal for him or clean the house? Why not go for a walk every day or exercise? Why not take care of yourself? I must be missing something here. I'm not a big cook either, but if it was important to the man I loved that I learn how to cook, I would probably do it for him -- especially if I wasn't going to school or working!