Day one of NC

[Criedallout]

Hello long time lurker, first time poster. I am, I guess was involved with a MM for almost 2 years. We talked daily during that time and saw each other monthly approximately. Well the last few months we've had some communication issues so last night I said enough. He finally admitted that he has been feeling guilty and that he knew I was more attached than him. So we ended things...2 years gone. Today I feel very numb. I'm here just looking for support. I feel very used and empty but I have no tears left it feels like. I know NC is best and I am writing here instead as he suggested we be friends. I'm not sure.

[MayP]

I am sorry you are hurting dear... We all are somewhat, otherwise why are we here?

 

Hugs k.

[Ivy2014]

If you reached the point where you'd had enough, I think it might not be as hard as you think. The habit of the daily communication is hard to break but it gets easier. If you still have any feelings that you want to be with him then I agree NC is best. I don't with mine and we have to work (remotely) together so there's no way to go NC. Having said that we haven't spoken for a month really. That's fine for me.

 

There are good days and bad days. I miss him sometimes but I think there's some truth in the idea that in an affair you do a lot of letting go throughout the relationship. I have known for a long time he wasn't leaving so I didn't imagine a future with him, so in some ways there is less to let go of than in a conventional relationship.

 

You know you've done the right thing, the only thing you could have done really.

[Criedallout]

Thank you both...I know it is best and I never intended to get attached. I knew going in it wasn't a forever thing. I think the hardest part for me will be the losing of the interaction, as even though it has been less and less, it was still there. I just need to focus my energy elsewhere but it's hard.

[Ivy2014]

I guess you haven't been dating for these two years? I didn't either but pretty soon after I ended it I started to do a little bit of OLD. Nothing serious and my heart isn't in it really but I think it can help to see that there are lots of single men looking for serious relationships and the interaction with them can help a little with the exMM withdrawals. Why shouldn't you date? You are (and have been for two years really) single!

[Speakingofwhich]

Hello long time lurker, first time poster. I am, I guess was involved with a MM for almost 2 years. We talked daily during that time and saw each other monthly approximately. Well the last few months we've had some communication issues so last night I said enough. He finally admitted that he has been feeling guilty and that he knew I was more attached than him. So we ended things...2 years gone. Today I feel very numb. I'm here just looking for support. I feel very used and empty but I have no tears left it feels like. I know NC is best and I am writing here instead as he suggested we be friends. I'm not sure.

 

I'm so sorry for all you're going through today, Criedallout. You may have anticipated this time would come, idk. If you have thought about it for awhile at the very least you can be glad you're finally getting it over with and putting it behind you. Kind of like jumping into a cold swimming pool. You'll adjust to it and be glad you took the plunge after the discomfort is over. How long that takes, as they say YMMV.

[BrokenPrincess]

Don't try to be friends unless you really want to find out how many more tears you can shed.

Edited June 17, 2014 by BrokenPrincess

[Criedallout]

Don't try to be friends unless you really want to find out how many more tears you can shed.

 

This is my fear...since the attachment is on my side, I'm so afraid I will stay in a fog and be constantly sad. Thank you for the advice

[PachucaSunrise]

Hello long time lurker, first time poster. I am, I guess was involved with a MM for almost 2 years. We talked daily during that time and saw each other monthly approximately. Well the last few months we've had some communication issues so last night I said enough. He finally admitted that he has been feeling guilty and that he knew I was more attached than him. So we ended things...2 years gone. Today I feel very numb. I'm here just looking for support. I feel very used and empty but I have no tears left it feels like. I know NC is best and I am writing here instead as he suggested we be friends. I'm not sure.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time right now, but you've definitely come to the right place for support. That's a great first step. Good for you!

 

I know what it feels like to be in your situation, and it plain out sucks. There's not a whole lot someone else can say or do to make you feel better - but personally, just knowing that I wasn't alone in my sadness was a comfort. It's a very lonely spot to be in, so coming here to share your story will hopefully give you some comfort as well. So, keep posting and keep sharing... I can't even begin to tell you just how much that's helped me. I'm far from being fully 'healed', but I'm in a much better spot than I was several months ago. The support I've gotten from the (incredibly gracious and honest) people on this site has been absolutely priceless, and I will be forever grateful for it (and them).

 

"He finally admitted that he has been feeling guilty and that he knew I was more attached than him." This is a very telling statement. Please remind yourself of this when you feel the urge to reach out to him. I say 'when' because it's bound to happen at some point - removing someone from your life who you've been involved with for two years is not an easy process.

 

You both know that YOU were the one who was more attached. I'd be very careful about this as it's going to make NC more difficult for you. Of course he's going to want to be friends - that means he still gets to have you in his life in some way. Do you REALLY think that's something you can handle? Do you think it's fair to YOU? He's not going to want to let go either - why would he? But if he honestly cares about you, he'll realize that letting you go is the most loving thing he can do for you. And if you REALLY want to maintain NC, you have to do it for YOUR personal health and well-being. Remaining 'just friends' with him may not be possible - definitely not at this time, anyhow. Down the road, maybe, but that's even iffy. Being 'just friends' is a very, very slippery slope, especially for you. If you truly want to get over him and not let another two years slip by, NC is probably the best option for you at this point.

 

Not gonna lie - all of this is extremely difficult - but you've also reached a turning point, and it can ultimately end up being a very positive one. Now is the time where you can refocus your life and put yourself FIRST. That emptiness you feel won't always be there - I can guarantee that. It's going to take time, lots of it, but if you can stick to your guns and remain strong (and you WILL become stronger as the days pass), you'll begin to realize that there is someone out there who is deserving of all the awesome things you have to offer... And you can share those things with him in an open and honest manner. You deserve that. Heck, we all do!

 

You've been settling for two years... Two years too long. With a lot of hard work, you can make the best of this situation, learn from it, and eventually move on to bigger and better things. It's all up to YOU. Don't you think you owe it to yourself?

 

Definitely keep us posted and come here when you need some encouraging words. I wish you the very best of luck!

[Criedallout]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time right now, but you've definitely come to the right place for support. That's a great first step. Good for you!

 

I know what it feels like to be in your situation, and it plain out sucks. There's not a whole lot someone else can say or do to make you feel better - but personally, just knowing that I wasn't alone in my sadness was a comfort. It's a very lonely spot to be in, so coming here to share your story will hopefully give you some comfort as well. So, keep posting and keep sharing... I can't even begin to tell you just how much that's helped me. I'm far from being fully 'healed', but I'm in a much better spot than I was several months ago. The support I've gotten from the (incredibly gracious and honest) people on this site has been absolutely priceless, and I will be forever grateful for it (and them).

 

"He finally admitted that he has been feeling guilty and that he knew I was more attached than him." This is a very telling statement. Please remind yourself of this when you feel the urge to reach out to him. I say 'when' because it's bound to happen at some point - removing someone from your life who you've been involved with for two years is not an easy process.

 

You both know that YOU were the one who was more attached. I'd be very careful about this as it's going to make NC more difficult for you. Of course he's going to want to be friends - that means he still gets to have you in his life in some way. Do you REALLY think that's something you can handle? Do you think it's fair to YOU? He's not going to want to let go either - why would he? But if he honestly cares about you, he'll realize that letting you go is the most loving thing he can do for you. And if you REALLY want to maintain NC, you have to do it for YOUR personal health and well-being. Remaining 'just friends' with him may not be possible - definitely not at this time, anyhow. Down the road, maybe, but that's even iffy. Being 'just friends' is a very, very slippery slope, especially for you. If you truly want to get over him and not let another two years slip by, NC is probably the best option for you at this point.

 

Not gonna lie - all of this is extremely difficult - but you've also reached a turning point, and it can ultimately end up being a very positive one. Now is the time where you can refocus your life and put yourself FIRST. That emptiness you feel won't always be there - I can guarantee that. It's going to take time, lots of it, but if you can stick to your guns and remain strong (and you WILL become stronger as the days pass), you'll begin to realize that there is someone out there who is deserving of all the awesome things you have to offer... And you can share those things with him in an open and honest manner. You deserve that. Heck, we all do!

 

You've been settling for two years... Two years too long. With a lot of hard work, you can make the best of this situation, learn from it, and eventually move on to bigger and better things. It's all up to YOU. Don't you think you owe it to yourself?

 

Definitely keep us posted and come here when you need some encouraging words. I wish you the very best of luck!

 

Thank you for this. I agree that single statement shines a huge light. I just have to figure out a way to stick to LC or NC. Tonight I found more tears, it's a miserable place to be.

[MayP]

Don't try to be friends unless you really want to find out how many more tears you can shed.

 

 

He wants to be friends. I didn't want to, but deep down I want to... you know what I mean? It does nothing for my well being though.

 

please girls, tell me don't contact him. don't email.

a close girl friend scolded me for thinking way too much/ too often. I can't help it! Even at my busiest moments. He never left my thoughts.

I am afraid I will break and make contact again.

[sisa]

I was also in an affair in two years.

I am in NC now, appromiate one month.

 

my mood in this moment is quite peace, which I didn't have in this two years. I miss him, I feel empty, but I don't wonder what he is doing now.

 

when I miss him very much, I always tell myself,

1. break NC won't change any current situation of he and me.

2. He will tell nice words to get me back to be his lover, and I am not willing to spend another two years on nothing again, I will not want to see when I am 36 and I am still in this situation.

3. He is possiblely in working on his marriage mode, hear from him will just make me sad.

4. thinking the time before this affair, I was a happy person, and I want I can become that me again.

 

Hope these thoughts also can make you strong in your NC.

[MayP]

It wouldn't change anything... today is just the 6 days of NC. I am quite sure he will contact me again, somehow sometime. when he suddenly remembers me, amidst his routine. He would think nothing of not being in contact and would not have a hint that I am hurting. He is not around in the same country now, by the way. It wouldn't change a thing, he is gone, settled.

[BrokenPrincess]

Today is my first day of NC too. It's been an extremely rough couple of days for me, some of the worst I've had in a long, long time.

[MayP]

Today is my first day of NC too. It's been an extremely rough couple of days for me, some of the worst I've had in a long, long time.

 

You think he will come looking for you again?

 

I keep wanting myself to be cool about this. Being friends, LC, not loving him so much, not thinking about him so much, dropping all expectations (since we aren't anything much), being myself-normal. Can I become that person?

[Criedallout]

You think he will come looking for you again?

 

I keep wanting myself to be cool about this. Being friends, LC, not loving him so much, not thinking about him so much, dropping all expectations (since we aren't anything much), being myself-normal. Can I become that person?

 

I'm so sorry you are both going through this too, it's awful. I wonder the same things about "can I just be friends, nothing more"? I over think everything and even if I try not too, it kicks in overtime. I don't think I can change who I am, I never want to be a mute.

[BrokenPrincess]

No I don't think he will reach out ever again. He wants to get over me & appears to be there already.

 

And no you don't WANT to become that person. IME, you will go crazy trying to not attach, to act cool, to temper your responses and not wait for his calls or messages. Forcing yourself to not think about him becomes counter productive.

 

You want to be friends so you don't lose the connection or the hope that he might change his mind (totally get it) but all it does it suck the life out of you slowly. I've said goodbye to my xMM 3 times and now here I am again, unable to focus on work, crying because he doesn't want me. The best thing you can do for yourself is not break NC.

[7andcounting]

I am right there with you. Today is my day 1...

[Criedallout]

I am right there with you. Today is my day 1...

 

Welcome to our little sad club...I'm sorry you are going through this. If it helps, we, me especially right now, know the pain and anexity that comes with each passing hour. But we made it day 1. You all have helped me win that little war, tomorrow will be another chance to win or fail..we each need to hold tight and support each other. Thank you everyone

[MayP]

I was right about to say... thanks for the words, I might get through NC today. But I am not sure about tomorrow.

 

BrokenP: You got it right. I don't want to lose the connection and making myself a willing party to undergo this. I told him twice, let's stop connecting (stop emailing, there isn't a point). Same story... He wants to be a friend and I can't bear to let go. It will only come to a point when he doesn't want me anymore and I will be more broken than before. Though I don't know what is worse, now or later.

[sisa]

I told the exMM that I am not going to be the lover after two years together, if he is not going to marry me, then we break up. He made the choice to stay in marriage.

 

He always told me he really love me, and really want to do anything for me. But he have responsible to his family, I buy these word and think, ya, I cannot be so bad to break down his family. so I take the lover role for long time because I love him, and I thought he love me just cannot marry me because he is married, I was finding the excuse for him for long time too. Finally, I try to put myself in his shoes, what I will do, and I realize I will definitely divorce and build the life with him. I know it will hurt the feelings of my husband and kids, and a lot difficulty and stress will come. but I will do my best to maintain the amicable relationship with my husband and let my kids know I love them no change. So if he really love me like what he claim, why he willing to keep me as secret and instead have open relationship with me. The answer is clear, he just love me literally. The love between us is just enough for him to keep me as lover, and find me when he want in life. He doesn’t want the real life with me.

 

When he busy planning his family life, did he ever think about I am alone and waiting? no, he didn't. In his deep mind, he didn't feel I am also a woman and need a family life, because he think he treat me good already. I cannot complain it because I took the lover role by myself. Finally we start our NC, in this two years, my life path is totally change, but he is the same. I think after one year he will think I was just one cheaper in his life, his life is going on as before, but for me, this relationship is a big turning point in my life, I will try very hard, but I know I won’t forget this man. Before I pay the god that I can be his wife one day, but now I pray for god that let me forget him and don’t let me meet him in life ever.

 

It’s really sad when you really love someone in life and there was some moments you almost believe one day your dream will come true. But in the end you find out, everything is just imagination, when you wake up you find out who you fall in love with was a fake person.

[Criedallout]

But in the end you find out, everything is just imagination, when you wake up you find out who you fall in love with was a fake person.

 

This is how I feeling today, realizing I meant nothing and that to him he could take it or leave it. That I was an object and not a person. My goal today is to block some forms of communication but the thought of hitting that button tears me up. Day 2 going badly

[Speakingofwhich]

I encourage you to dig in and stay with it, Criedallout. When you know this has to take place at some point it really makes sense to go ahead with it and get it over with. You can do this as you continue to put one foot in front of the other. There will come a day when your pain is over with and you're walking a pathway to get to that place. You will arrive in time.

 

And take heart that you are not digging yourself deeper into a R that has no future.

[Criedallout]

Today was my hardest day yet. I was able to remove his contact information but I think the hardest part is how little he seems to be effected. I've read other threads and know it's normal to feel like this but it's so very hard.

[Ivy2014]

You really need to distract yourself until you get through this stage. Have you got friends you can go out with? You really need to keep busy and stop focussing on him. I know it's hard, I've had a wobbly day, too and for much the same reason. I'm just trying to keep looking forwards.