Day one of NC

[OWAmy]

Thank you for starting this thread and to those who have posted.

 

I read this last night and I'm not sure why but it prompted me to send my email initiating no contact.

 

I had been with MM for 3.5yrs but we were long distance.

 

I started seriously considering my get out back in December when I posted on here.

 

I sent a couple of emails to him in January and spoke to him hoping that he would pick up on my cues and end it, but he didn't. Then horror started to wash over me that if I wait for him to do it, what if he never does.

 

I had a dozen sessions with a psychotherapist. She was great - said that he may not want to end it, the situation may suit him just fine. That idea disturbed me.

 

He started slipping off the pedestal I put him on and for the first time last month I noticed a couple of things about him that's made me think ahhh other people could find that behaviour grating!

 

I also read as much literature as I could find on affairs particularly ones that paid most attention to the OW. As I am not the BS or MM why concentrate on them and make it even more difficult. There is not much out there, but what there is I found to be invaluable to me.

 

I feel indifferent. I do not feel either love or hate towards him. I see that like me he has issues that allowed him to become embroiled in the affair. Whatever his issues may be are no concern of mine. I know I will never get answers so I'm not going to attempt to get them.

 

The email I sent was so brief, so to the point. there were no bad words, no pleasantries - I merely stated that this affair was not conducive to me living a more simple (and better life) and asked that he please not contact me again by email, text or phone and that I would do the same." The door is not ajar and I read elsewhere that no contact is not broken by him contacting me: it is broken by me responding to that contact.

 

At the moment it feels to me that I have got something very positive out of the affair. Yes it was detrimental, but I now know of the importance of boundaries and commitment and it took me a long, long time to recognise the importance of them.

 

It was funny but today I felt more alive than I had done in a long time.

 

Thank you girls for contributing to the forum. I think I may stick around for a while to keep strong.

X

[MayP]

I am totally weakened. Didn't sleep well, woke up in the middle of the night and when I fell back to sleep, I dreamt of him. Mainly is because he contacted me, we emailed and I dread the distance, that I can't see him except through a telephone screen. It pierces as the more I step in, the more I want. Does this greed stop? When love stops perhaps. Or when it is not love anymore.

[OWAmy]

@Mayp

 

When you feel the urge to communicate, post on here instead.

 

I only initiated NC 16hrs ago and whilst I feel great now, I don't want to get ahead of myself. Who is to say that I wont wake up and feel totally different tomorrow and need support myself.

 

Why delay the inevitable even more? If you break NC you only stall the eventual break-up and you are back to square one. Resist!!!

[OWAmy]

If you reached the point where you'd had enough, I think it might not be as hard as you think. The habit of the daily communication is hard to break but it gets easier. If you still have any feelings that you want to be with him then I agree NC is best. I don't with mine and we have to work (remotely) together so there's no way to go NC. Having said that we haven't spoken for a month really. That's fine for me.

 

There are good days and bad days. I miss him sometimes but I think there's some truth in the idea that in an affair you do a lot of letting go throughout the relationship. I have known for a long time he wasn't leaving so I didn't imagine a future with him, so in some ways there is less to let go of than in a conventional relationship.

 

You know you've done the right thing, the only thing you could have done really.

 

I totally resonate with what you write here...all of it actually.

 

There is a lot of evidence out there to suggest that it takes approximately one month for a person to break a habit or to form a new one. Very encouraging! Although when you are counting the days one by one - twenty eight days could seem like a very long time.

 

I have spent the last six months trying to improve every other aspect of my life. I figured that my life could not stand still whilst I procrastinated over ending the affair.

 

Your second paragraph - so, so true in my situation too. It is not always easy to extract ourselves from situations that we know we need to. A lot of the time we can ease any fallout by keeping a grasp on reality.

[triniechu]

I was the same! I was more attached to my ex. it sucked because after we broke up, all i wanted to do was reach out to him everyday like we used to! we called each other every morning, during the day and at night and texted a lot. sheesh i was so lost after.

 

it's been 2 1/2 weeks since the break up now, and its been better. i still get that urge but not as much now, but i still miss him. just gotta keep on moving forward!

[PachucaSunrise]

How is everyone doing today? I hope okay (at the very least).

 

Some of you have been NC for a very short time - hope you're holding up okay! I just wanted to check in and see approximately how long it's been for everyone??

 

My D-day was around 3 and a half months ago. It has been about 1 and a half months of NC (I can't say FULL NC, as I have checked some of his social media sites... Just snooped, no messaging or anything like that, but I know snooping still counts).

 

I've definitely been struggling as well. This is probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I just wanted to let you guys know that you're not alone... I know how hard it is, and I'm pulling for each and every one of you.

 

What keeps me going? The fact that it was so easy for him to go NC... The fact that he's getting D and still chooses not to contact me... The fact that I've seen him on several dating sites... The fact that there are several ways he could reach out to me and yet he hasn't tried to, even once - that's been a HUGE reality check for me. I could make all the excuses in the world, but the bottom line is, when you truly love and care about someone, you will go through hell and high water to reach out to them. I think that's the part that stings the most, for me, anyhow.

 

What also keeps me going is coming to terms with the fact that I was so easily disposable to my XMM. So, so many broken promises. It's hard to believe that I ever fell for any of them, but sadly, I did. Another promising aspect is that I'm starting to regain some of my self-respect. I'm finally beginning to take care of myself again... I've been buying new makeup that I'm excited to try out... Going to the gym more, etc. I've also noticeably become more cautious about people in general. I'm still somewhat naive, no doubt about it, but as far as trust goes - I've noticed that I'm much more careful when it comes to the intentions of other people.

 

There have been so many ups and downs over these past few weeks. One day I'll wake up and feel like I can set the world on fire, and then the next day, well, I won't even want to get out of bed. But one MAJOR positive that I want you guys to know - the good days are beginning to outweigh the bad days. It's taken a lot of time, but I've been doing my best to change the way I think, and in turn, that is also helping me change the way I feel.

 

The BIGGEST thing that's been keeping me going? Fully realizing how selfish XMM was to put his W and me in such horrible positions. I'd like to say that he did the best he could... But I'm beginning to think that wasn't the case at all. He put HIMSELF first - at ALL times. I never did that. I was always looking out for him, making sure he was feeling okay, listening to him complain and even cry about how confused he was about his life... When all the while, who was looking out for me??

 

There has been a lot of talk on other threads about addictions, and how we replace them for other things (for example: drinking for an A, or vice versa). In my case, I think I've replaced my A addiction with coming here, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. So, just as I'm going to nudge myself to do this - I urge you guys to come here when you're having a rough go of things. The support I've gotten has been phenomenal - absolutely priceless. Just when I thought I was the lone, screwed up OW in the entire world, I came here and began to realize that my story is actually very common. That's been a huge comfort for me.

 

So, keep up with the good work, ladies! I know it's hard, but it CAN be done. When you're feeling down, come here and vent. And always remember - it's never too late to turn things around. Keep moving forward and put yourself up on that pedestal that MM was once sitting so comfortably on. YOU deserve it!!

[Criedallout]

As I posted earlier today was really hard and I broke and talked to him. Do I feel better, I did more a minute now not so much. I understand staying busy but it's so new, so raw, daily constant communication for 2 years gone. Who wouldn't feel raw?

[PachucaSunrise]

Who wouldn't feel raw?

 

I really feel for you. It's incredibly hard. I know.

 

I think that part of the problem with LC (or breaking NC) is that you get that initial rush of happiness and comfort talking to him once again, but then those feelings quickly turn to sadness and sometimes even frustration when you hang up the phone or walk away. It takes you really high and then brings you right back down again, maybe even lower than you were before you talked to him. It's an awful feeling.

 

That's why I really encourage you to do your best to stick to NC. If you continue in LC, this is going to happen every time... And you can't put yourself through that... It'll destroy you.

 

And whether or not you want to believe it, LC still leaves you with that everlasting hope, and by staying in any form of contact with him, you'll never give yourself the chance to fully heal. It will also rob you of any opportunity to find someone who is TRULY deserving of all you have to offer. I've been out of it for a little while now, and I STILL can't date. It's just too hard. I just realized that it's closer to 4 months since I last saw him and almost 2 since our last contact, and I'm still struggling. So it definitely takes quite a bit of time.

 

Also - like some posters have already mentioned - when you break NC, you more or less have to start rebuilding from scratch. NC is definitely the harder route to take, but once you stick with it and begin to notice some positive changes, you'll thank yourself for being so strong. I can promise you that.

 

All of us deserve to have that special someone in our lives... Someone who we could proudly introduce to our friends and family (and vice-versa)... Someone who we could call up and speak to ANY time of day... Someone who doesn't have to keep us as his 'dirty little secret'... Someone who could actually follow through with all those amazing plans for the future... Someone who we could take beautiful photos with AND EVEN POST THEM ON FACEBOOK... Someone to call OUR OWN...

 

You deserve these things, just as we all do. Don't sell yourself short.

 

Keep us in the loop, and DEFINITELY keep posting. Stay strong and keep your chin up, girl.

[MayP]

Had you a day all looking forward, all dressed up and suddenly a note came to say 'can't talk today'? valid reason no doubt (family). but it made me want to burst out crying immediately. immediately. rock bottom. I replied saying it is ok, he hasn't reply. he must... he should... if he knows I am upset. no matter how busy.

[Owl6118]

 

I've definitely been struggling as well. This is probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.

 

Say it with me, PS... "He is not all that."

 

Keep moving on. You so blindingly obviously deserve better.

[Friskyone4u]

Sounds like you were not yet caught by wife of OM. As other poster said you are single and free and why don't you try to give some single men a chance , which you probably did not for last two years. That will help you a lot more that mourning your loss of a lover that was lying, deceiving, and putting the financial well being of his family in jeopardy for some sexual gratification.

The side benefit of getting over this might be you might spare another human being( his wife) the heartache and devastation that will come down upon her when she finds out.

That might also in some time make you feel better than you do now

[herself]

If you removed his info and blocked him, you removed hope, removed yourself losing dignity, gave yourself the freedom to not have to look at your phone and email 100 times a day to look for him. That waiting hoping and looking are far harder than just taking the control back.

That helped me so much. I was shocked in a few weeks I felt a smile.

Eat healthy, think positive, take a little space, drive new ways to work, leave cell in car it's amazing how quick u begin to detach and find your life and self again.

The pain in temporary it Will get better.

Spend some time alone, have a few good cries. But get some sun and air. Much love.

[PachucaSunrise]

Say it with me, PS...

"He is not all that."

 

Oh, this gave me such a fun giggle!!

 

"HE IS NOT ALL THAT!" And one more time for emphasis, "HE IS NOT ALL THAT!" I said this out loud, and in the sassiest tone possible. Damn, did that feel GOOD!

 

Owl, as usual, I have to agree with you here - he really ISN'T all that. It's not only time that I take off the blinders, but it's also time that I throw them right in the trash - for good. I needed that reminder, so thank you kindly for your gentle nudge.

 

Keep moving on. You so blindingly obviously deserve better.

 

I do have to admit that there is a ton of truth to this as well, Owl. I'm honestly not 100% confident in all of it, but I am definitely on my way. Every day that passes I am one step closer to (once again) becoming the kind of person I want to attract. Moving forward and never, ever accepting less than what I deserve, EVER again.

 

How interesting that you have such a strong instinct to always pop up at just the RIGHT TIME. What a gift that is! It's always a pleasure to read your words of wisdom (to me, and to others) here on LS. Thank you for that. I sure hope all is well in your neck of the woods, my friend.

[solostand]

I remember when I was in my 20's I fell madly in lust with a 39 year old. I mooned and swooned over this guy. . .

 

One day my father said: "He's just another man."

 

Kind of true, right? Just a man. One in three billion.

 

I thought of that saying yesterday when I was thinking of my affair, which is of course the greatest love story ever told, lol. And I thought "he's just another man." and someone else's man to boot.

[BrokenPrincess]

No urges to contact him but have had a couple close calls wanting to just peek at social media. I've been able to stop myself & redirect but I feel like it's at my own expense (who cares what he's doing?....he doesn't want you, he's happy at home, he's over you, he doesn't care about YOUR life, etc)

 

I think I need to get to a place of redirecting my urges to break NC that don't involve beating myself up.

[Criedallout]

No urges to contact him but have had a couple close calls wanting to just peek at social media. I've been able to stop myself & redirect but I feel like it's at my own expense (who cares what he's doing?....he doesn't want you, he's happy at home, he's over you, he doesn't care about YOUR life, etc)

 

I think I need to get to a place of redirecting my urges to break NC that don't involve beating myself up.

 

THIS...I could have written this word for word. I am doing ok, no contact at all yesterday but I thought the same thoughts. I get so mad at myself when the "he isn't bothered by not talking to you, he could always, for the entire 2 years just take it or leave it, he isn't sitting wondering what I am doing so why am I" thoughts start flowing. I try to think of something else but it is really hard. BP, we are beating ourselves up over someone that was never ours. If I was your friend what would you tell me? I know I would tell you that it's ok to feel the loss but it isn't ok to stop moving forward. Each day do one thing you haven't done in awhile. I can so easily give advice to others but I'm so blinded by my emptiness I can't see that I should listen to myself.

[MayP]

Don't know where I should post. But maybe here, since I am just trying to move in this direction. Could someone answer my questions (certainly self-administered questions for many of us)?

 

Background: We have known each other for years. Always secretly thought of each other in other light. With now distance apart and dim hope of seeing each other, what is in for him to be in contact? Nothing sexual between us, though he talks about them. I guess I could be attached to him for a long while, emotionally linked (sex or no sex). Men? I am not sure. Not seeing the girl at all. He will forget me quickly?