What the DUMPER is thinking/feeling after the break-up

[asanch]

First off, I would like to thank everyone on LS since my break up this site has helped me in many ways... I found a thread by DB (Denver Bachelor) i thought was very interesting, and rang somewhat to be very accurate...I do not want to give any false hope to Dumpee's as i am one as well. what I want is for those whom have been through break-up's to read and give their opinion on the following post break up stages from the POV of the dumper vs dumpee...

 

Again thank you DB for this post

 

POST BREAK-UP STAGES

 

 

I've read enough posts, books and have had enough life experience to put together what I believe are the stages that occur after a breakup. I will attempt to look at it from the perspective of a Dumpee and Dumper. I will also assume that you were in a long-term relationship (1+ years) and that there was no abuse, cheating, etc., that took place. In other words, the relationship just got stale and the dumper said something along the lines of, "feelings lost, something missing, need space, etc."

 

DUMPEE STAGES:

 

It is important to first note that as the dumpee, you did not make the choice to end the relationship. This will be a mixed blessing since it will hurt in the beginning and then bring you much comfort as time goes on.

 

1) Shock / Denial

 

This stage can last for a few days to a week or more. This is time period where most people do the stupidest things like cry, beg, emotional blackmail, etc. This is the stage where you believe you can influence your ex's decision through logic by explaining that the relationship has progressed to the toughest moment and that giving up is not the right thing to do. Unfortunately, your partner began divesting in the relationship well before this moment. They have mulled over this decision and now believe this is the absolute and correct decision to make. Many times, they may have someone waiting in the wings (GIGS, rebound, etc.) Nothing you could say or do will influence them since they will put up their coldest face you have seen yet because this is a self-defence mechanism they employ to protect themselves from guilt, depression, etc. The best thing to do is to bow out gracefully after you get this out of your system because nothing will work. In their eyes, you hold no more influence over them and your opinions are at the bottom of their list.

 

2) Depression, Anxiety and Bereavement Stage

 

After a few days or a few weeks, you'll enter a stage of great mourning and sorrow. Your identity is completely lost as you are now single again. This stage usually will stretch out for weeks to several months, but each week does get easier. During this time, you should be in NC and focusing on reflection, healing and self-improvement. This is probably the hardest stage since the denial has faded and you are constantly left with thoughts of, "My god, this is really happening to me."

 

3) Recovery and Acceptance Stage

 

After a few months, you will begin to accept your new identity and begin looking forward to spending time with yourself and occasionally going out to date or mingle. Thoughts of your ex will still be on your mind quite a bit, but the pain that accompanies those thoughts will ironically begin to turn into strength as you realize that you didn't contribute everything to the breakup. You'll realize you aren't a bad person because you were rejected. Flaws in your ex will become more apparent. You may even take on a "gentle animosity" towards the ex as you realize the mistakes they made and their decision to abandon fighting for the "long haul." Your desire to have your ex come back into your life will fade to a point where either you'd accept them back with conditions and time or you have determined they weren't right for you in the long run.

 

 

DUMPERS

 

1) Relief and Happiness

 

The dumper was probably mauling over this decision for awhile and they did love you and cared greatly for you. This was very hard for them and the decision to eventually act at some point weighted on them greatly. They have been dreading the moment, but once the moment has passed, they will feel a great sense of relief as if ten tons have been removed from their shoulders. If they have had prospects in the stratosphere, this is there chance to renew themselves and date fresh and explore new and exciting times. They'll probably be too occupied to really give you much thought except for the occasional text to see if you're ok. This is sent from guilt and not for any type of reconciliation. This stage will last for weeks to up to a few months.

 

2) Distress and Discomfort

 

As time passes, the dumper will compare her new fling to you in many ways. As the honeymoon stage of the relationship fades (The Romance Stage of the 5 stages of a relationship), they will start to question their decision and begin to miss you. If you are in NC like you should be, their thoughts of you will increase. They will begin to have doubts about what they have done after realizing, "Same ****, different day" with their current relationship. They may reach out, but they're still in a new relationship and enjoying their new life -- reaching out is no longer from guilt but from wanting to keep you around in case something fails miserably in their relationship.

 

3) Fond Memories and Acceptance

 

As months go by, dumpers tend to look more and more on the positives of the past relationship. Their thoughts will increase somewhat and they'll generally have a very positive attitude towards you. This is the stage where a reconciliation may be possible if both parties are in the right place. Unfortunately, by the time they reach this stage, the dumpee is in his last stage and he or she is already questioning why they spent so much time and energy moping about the dumper. The dumper in this stage may, according to his or her current relationship status, reach out and make an attempt to open communication and begin the process of exploration with the dumpee.

 

 

So that's what I've observed. I could be wrong but it seems about right. I've had over half of my ex's reach out (usually after months and months have gone by) but unfortunately we were in different places and reconciliation was never really possible. I have reconciled with two ex's but it was in stage 2 and that never really works out in the long-term. Too soon, too fresh.

[Alcatraz]

This is perfect and deserves to be sticky thread.

[OwMyEyeball]

Makes sense.

 

Essentially, the dumper has a head start on the dumpee. The discordance makes healthy reconciliation outside of the first day or two of breakup near impossible.

 

As a dumpee I'm somewhere between Stages 2 & 3 ... closer to 3. Full NC + a heavy workload out of town + support from friends, family and here have all helped to fast track the process as much as possible.

 

I'm now resolute that if she's spending the intervening time dating or in another relationship - as opposed to reflecting and recovering - that there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation. If she broke the relationship only to immediately jump into another without actually taking the time to better understand herself, then what's to stop her from doing it again when we hit another rough patch. The trust is gone.

 

In fact, the trust had already suffered a huge blow when I discovered that she had cheated on her previous partner. And with each passing day it's becoming more apparent that she didn't take the time to properly grieve the end of that relationship. Between her last serious relationship and the start of ours 2 months later she was already fooling around with a coworker.

 

Anyhow, thanks for sharing this post.

[April Moon]

I really like this post. I like the different aspects of what is happening during a break- up.

[Hello201]

Could any one list the stages from a dumpers pov if they cheated thought they got away with it but got found out

Or are there no stages because they have someone ?

[Ordinaryday]

nice idea but it misses the key concept that it is different for everyone. some dumpers do experience exactly that, some dumpers realise that dumping the person was the biggest mistake of their life and try to get them back and some are just so happy to get out that they almost never ever give the dumpee another thought again.

 

I have found it is pointless to try and understand what the dumper is feeling, just move on and try to forget about them.

 

oh, and change your email and phone number so they couldnt contact you EVEN IF THEY TRIED TO. I got a new mobile number recently and it felt like a weight off my shoulders no longer stressing about whether or not she would text me a breadcrumb because with my new number, even if she tried to text me it wouldnt go through. felt great.

[SimpleGuy92]

The classic line of "I'm not ready for a relationship.. I can't tie myself to being in one" is probably the biggest line. If they aren't truly over their ex or found out stuff about their ex that they just can't deal with, then the current relationship is burnt. I have been struggling whether they actually do care but in this case, I don't think they necessarily do. It's a relief and stress free situation for the dumpers in most case, no matter how mutual or 'upset' the break up is.

[emotionalMess]

Bottom line is if the Dumper really loved you, they would not have dumped you.

Do you want to be with someone who doesn't really care about you?

 

You cant make them love you.

When you are in the shock stage you may think so but nope, their mind is already made up.

 

 

There is someone out who will love you but you have to get over this mistake.

Yes, consider the dumper a mistake. Good mistake for a while maybe but nevertheless a mistake. Like the post says, soon you will see or remember their flaws. This signifies you are forging ahead and taking them off the pedestal.

 

You are not an option. You are unique, everyone is. Nobody is perfect, the dumper is not perfect. The only thing we all have in common is imperfection.

 

Love yourself and accept your imperfections, you will move on once you do this.

[Ordinaryday]

The classic line of "I'm not ready for a relationship.. I can't tie myself to being in one" is probably the biggest line.

 

in my (and others, from what I have been told) experience what the "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" line REALLY means is "I AM ready for a relationship right now.... but NOT WITH YOU". it is a meaningless throwaway line that should not be taken seriously.

 

once a girl dumped me with that line and I foolishly believed her, and accepted it, and then I found out through a mutual friend that she hooked up with a new guy one day after dumping me.

 

the fact that she lied to me hurt almost as much as her dumping me.

[KatZee]

I don't think this list should be used as a guideline or seen as some "absolute" for how dumpees or dumpers feel after a breakup.

 

I've been a dumper several times. I can tell you from experience, that my stages ended at #1. Relief and happiness. Weight off my shoulders.

 

That was it. I didn't have discomfort. In fact, quite opposite. I had never been so relieved to get out of those relationships. I also didn't look back with fondness or any of that. I needed to get out, I got the hell out and never looked back. I never reached out again to my dumpees. If we spoke after the end, it was always because they were chasing ME. Once it's over for me, it's over.

 

How a dumper feels depends on the couple, depends on the situation, depends on how it ended. Depends on a lot of things.

[Ordinaryday]

I don't think this list should be used as a guideline or seen as some "absolute" for how dumpees or dumpers feel after a breakup.

 

I've been a dumper several times. I can tell you from experience, that my stages ended at #1. Relief and happiness. Weight off my shoulders.

 

That was it. I didn't have discomfort. In fact, quite opposite. I had never been so relieved to get out of those relationships. I also didn't look back with fondness or any of that. I needed to get out, I got the hell out and never looked back.

 

How a dumper feels depends on the couple, depends on the situation, depends on how it ended. Depends on a lot of things.

 

there is NEVER a one-size fits all approach when you are dealing with people obviously due to the fact that EVERYONE is different.

 

the problem arises when people use this to cling onto false hope... yes maybe one dumper in a million does come back begging.... but it is ONE PERSON IN A MILLION.... The odds are ridiculously stacked against you... and yet everyone wants to believe that their dumper will be THAT ONE in a million... and it only is for ONE PERSON and nine-hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and 99 people go on being disappointed.

[Elle1975]

The phases aren't set in stone, but I agree that to some people it's the way it happens.

 

What bothers me about this post is that it gives hope to some people that their ex will come around.

 

Some exes do reach out months down the line, very often it's out of nostalgia or pure boredom.

[Ordinaryday]

The phases aren't set in stone, but I agree that to some people it's the way it happens.

 

What bothers me about this post is that it gives hope to some people that their ex will come around.

 

Some exes do reach out months down the line, very often it's out of nostalgia or pure boredom.

 

I told my ex in no uncertain terms "dont contact me unless you want to give us another try" and she mostly respected my wishes, except a few months ago I saw her in the city by pure coincidence and she simply said "Hi [real name]" and then kept walking.

 

it bothered me and hurt me to no end - who does she think she is saying 'hi' to me like I am an old school chum and not some guy she broke the heart of and left in a suicidal state and completely deserted in a moment when he most needed her support??

 

so yeah, 100% NC all the way.

 

A DIFFERENT ex reached out with a breadcrumb in january and I was ridiculously rude to her in my response. if you dump someone just leave them alone.

[April Moon]

Of course, this isn't the end all be all to how dumpers feel. At the beginning of the post, the OP said this is generally what happens if it was a long term relationship got stale. I'm sure the dumper isn't remembering the good times of a dumpee who cheated on them or did them wrong in some way.

[Smarty Pants]

I've gotten back together with all of my exes. Whether it was a couple months or a year or two. I don't think the chances are one in a million, it just depends on the situation.

 

I also don't think there are stages like the OP stated, at least not for the dumper. I don't think it's so black and white.

 

We spend too much time trying to understand how the other person is feeling. In the end it doesn't change a thing. Moving on is the best thing to do.

[redbaron005]

IMHO much of this is valid (due to careful wording by the OP), and if anything this should motivate dumpees to maintain NC/LC as it will take many months for a dumper to process their feelings and out of respect (to them and yourself) you should not be interrupting this process, especially if they have someone new. This will also give you time to work on

and grieving the loss of the RS.

 

I think this LS thread says it best...They will miss you but it doesn't mean they will come back so move on in the meantime.

 

[PhillyConnection23]

People get back together all the time. Trying to attach a number to it isn't fair and is a terrible metric, especially when this forum is your only data source. Think of the millions of other couples that get together or break up and don't result to an internet forum to vent or ask for advice....

 

With that being said, break ups happen for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes the dumper really does love the other person but knows that in order for them to be happy they need to end it. Sometimes one party is abusive. Sometimes one person is just immature or lost about what they want. Some people just aren't compatible and it ends.

 

I think this is a valid outline for the context that OP placed it on. This isn't for some crappy person that broke up because they had someone on the side. Its for the situations where the person got bored, questioned the relationship or thought there was no hope. In my opinion, these are the best opportunities for a successful reconciliation and a happy life together. PROVIDED that both parties realize what went wrong, work to address it and are willing to do that.

 

The ex that left you for someone else? Why would you want that person back? The ex that had a toxic personality? You can do better. The ex that loved you but thought it wasn't going to work out for whatever reason? I'd give them another chance if you truly think it was special.

[LoveBohemian]

Bottom line is if the Dumper really loved you, they would not have dumped you.

Do you want to be with someone who doesn't really care about you?

 

Sorry but I can't agree with this. I dumped my last girlfriend but once the dust had settled I realised I was still in love with her and it's taken me 2 years to fall out of love with her.

 

My issue was that I'd been hurt badly in childhood, been dumped from my last relationship and had trust issues. Inside I loved and adored her, but could never express this properly to her. I could with hugs and body contact and the occasional "I love you", but actually saying the wonderful things I thought about her felt impossible, and sadly she will never know. She probably thinks I was uncaring and didn't actually love her, but truth is I was too scared of being hurt so I held back. By the end of the relationship I felt like a mess inside, I was confused and the relationship had turned toxic. She'd become needy and I'd become cold. But that doesn't mean I didn't love her. The relationship had just become unhealthy and our personalities were very different.

 

So things aren't often that black and white...

Edited June 29, 2014 by LoveBohemian

[newenglandkid]

Thanks OP for posting this, I have it bookmarked and look at it from time to time whenever I'm feeling down. I am going through my first "true" breakup (I've dated others, but nothing serious). As the dumpee, your points are pretty on point about how I've felt since the BU, its been 6 weeks post BU and I feel I'm towards the end of stage 2 and entering stage 3. I'm starting to see some of the faults my ex exhibited that caused the breakup, and starting to blame myself less and less.

 

Of course I have no idea how my ex is coping (although I know she "met" someone else 2-3 weeks after the BU), but if your stages are accurate I'd have to guess she'd be between 1-2.

[dumbass2]

Sorry but I can't agree with this. I dumped my last girlfriend but once the dust had settled I realised I was still in love with her and it's taken me 2 years to fall out of love with her.

 

My issue was that I'd been hurt badly in childhood, been dumped from my last relationship and had trust issues. Inside I loved and adored her, but could never express this properly to her. I could with hugs and body contact and the occasional "I love you", but actually saying the wonderful things I thought about her felt impossible, and sadly she will never know. She probably thinks I was uncaring and didn't actually love her, but truth is I was too scared of being hurt so I held back. By the end of the relationship I felt like a mess inside, I was confused and the relationship had turned toxic. She'd become needy and I'd become cold. But that doesn't mean I didn't love her. The relationship had just become unhealthy and our personalities were very different.

 

So things aren't often that black and white...

 

That sounds real close to my issue with my ex girlfriend. We were in an exclusive relationship, but when I made a small mistake and she couldn't stay exclusive, then I groveled to keep her in my life and we started to see each other the same as before, but after how I poured my emotions out to her to stay with her, I felt I couldn't express my true feelings as we progressed futher on. I loved her so much, but was scared to put too much out there again for fear of getting hurt. There was so much more I wanted to give emotionally, but wasn't sure how she felt and wasn't sure what she wanted. I knew what I wanted. Too bad she will never know how much more I could have given and showed her. I think she thought I didn't care as much after she broke up with me. I kept a lot bottled up to protect myself. It work a little, but in the end it wasn't healthy for me.

[miranda_wilson]

I don't think it's accurate to say that an ex coming back happens only "one in a million times." As a matter of fact, the odds are a lot better than that. That said, each individual situation is still highly unpredictable.

 

I'm female, mid-30s, and have had three serious relationships. All of them have come back. (I think I read that male dumpers come back more often than female dumpers, and this strikes me as true. I don't have any hard evidence of this. Just that, anecdotally, I hear of it more often.)

 

The three serious relationships I had came back...

1.5 years later

2 months later

and 8 months later

 

Also, while I would agree that often they don't want you back until you're over them, it's not always the case at all.

 

Of the three I mentioned above, the 1.5 years later...I still wanted the guy. I wasn't desperate for him anymore, but he was still very much desired by me. The two months return was also someone I still wanted really badly. It happens.

 

Then there is that I have had a number of short-lived involvements also come back. 3 months, 5 months, 2 years. They come back -- serious relationships or just a fond/like-you/lust/fling type of thing -- they come back.

 

Granted, of the short-lived relationships, some don't come back. But lots do.

 

I think that people on "breaking up" message boards are very intent on not giving false hope to dumpees. Makes some sense because only very vulnerable people come to breaking up message boards with the desire to get back together, and it feels wrong to give false hope to them.

 

I think people should try to move on because you just never know what will happen. And even if they do come back, they will often have been involved with someone else before they do so. (Even the guy I had come back after two months, he had "talked to" a few girls before he came back to me.) But take some solace in the knowledge that they often come back. You will very likely have your day of them sniffing around you again.

 

(On April 20 of this year, I had a guy from 2.5 years ago come back to me.) I'm not with him now for various reasons, but we did get back together for a 5-day fling.) He wasn't one of my serious relationships, but he was someone I liked a lot in a short-term thing and had wanted BADLY 2.5 years ago.

Edited July 1, 2014 by miranda_wilson

[FredJones80]

I don't think it's accurate to say that an ex coming back happens only "one in a million times." As a matter of fact, the odds are a lot better than that. That said, each individual situation is still highly unpredictable.

 

Thats a nice an well balanced post Miranda, thanks. Although I do think people still need to take your most important piece of advice about it being "highly unpredictable" and for that sanity of the dumpees people should assume they're gone and they ain't coming back.

 

Anything else will send you insane.

[PhillyConnection23]

Thats a nice an well balanced post Miranda, thanks. Although I do think people still need to take your most important piece of advice about it being "highly unpredictable" and for that sanity of the dumpees people should assume they're gone and they ain't coming back.

 

Anything else will send you insane.

 

The longer I sit around and really look at relationships, read, study, obsess over them I've seen just how many people actually do get back together. A lot of the instances I've seen in my personal life have failed. But a decent portion of them have been successful.

 

I think what really needs to be said is that sitting around waiting for ANYTHING to happen is unhealthy. Especially a relationship you were emotionally invested in. You want that promotion at work? You need to earn it. The college degree? You need to work for it. The relationship with the person you loved but failed? You need to work for it.

 

Sitting around waiting for a change of heart or the universe to magically align and give you exactly what you want isn't going to happen. It isn't healthy. Its a recipe for failure.

[sugarlove]

i will say that straight after my most recent breakup, the guy i dated before my ex magically contacted me again. This was his second attempt, as his first attempt was 4 months after the breakup but I was already in a relationship with my current ex. This second attempt is a year after our breakup and pretty much when this new relationship didn't work out. They do sniff around..

 

Not sure if it's a sign, but when he contacted me back, I honestly realised I don't want him anymore. So in rejecting his desire to try again, I felt stronger with this breakup as well. Not due to the fact that they do come back, but the fact that time really do erase alot of bad vibes. We talked for a bit and as desperate as I was when we broke up, he didn't seem to remember it in a negative way at all.

 

So I still feel I did the right thing to pursue the man after a breakup. Love shouldn't be prideful and I know i can't live with myself if I don't at least try my best to salvage it.

[PhillyConnection23]

Sorry but I can't agree with this. I dumped my last girlfriend but once the dust had settled I realised I was still in love with her and it's taken me 2 years to fall out of love with her.

 

My issue was that I'd been hurt badly in childhood, been dumped from my last relationship and had trust issues. Inside I loved and adored her, but could never express this properly to her. I could with hugs and body contact and the occasional "I love you", but actually saying the wonderful things I thought about her felt impossible, and sadly she will never know. She probably thinks I was uncaring and didn't actually love her, but truth is I was too scared of being hurt so I held back. By the end of the relationship I felt like a mess inside, I was confused and the relationship had turned toxic. She'd become needy and I'd become cold. But that doesn't mean I didn't love her. The relationship had just become unhealthy and our personalities were very different.

 

So things aren't often that black and white...

 

I was dumped. However, your comments about actually saying the things you thought about her feeling impossible totally resonates with me.

 

Admittedly my life was pretty good, all things considered. But there were times when I would look at my ex and think a million great things about her but never could say it. I felt terrible at the time and even worse after the break up knowing how I felt but being unable to communicate it at times.