What the DUMPER is thinking/feeling after the break-up

[requin]

Sorry but I can't agree with this. I dumped my last girlfriend but once the dust had settled I realised I was still in love with her and it's taken me 2 years to fall out of love with her.

 

My issue was that I'd been hurt badly in childhood, been dumped from my last relationship and had trust issues. Inside I loved and adored her, but could never express this properly to her. I could with hugs and body contact and the occasional "I love you", but actually saying the wonderful things I thought about her felt impossible, and sadly she will never know. She probably thinks I was uncaring and didn't actually love her, but truth is I was too scared of being hurt so I held back. By the end of the relationship I felt like a mess inside, I was confused and the relationship had turned toxic. She'd become needy and I'd become cold. But that doesn't mean I didn't love her. The relationship had just become unhealthy and our personalities were very different.

 

So things aren't often that black and white...

 

This is so sad, I teared up. I am so sorry for your loss. Is there no chance for reconciliation?

[requin]

 

I think what really needs to be said is that sitting around waiting for ANYTHING to happen is unhealthy. Especially a relationship you were emotionally invested in. You want that promotion at work? You need to earn it. The college degree? You need to work for it. The relationship with the person you loved but failed? You need to work for it.

 

Very well said.

[miranda_wilson]

Not due to the fact that they do come back, but the fact that time really do erase alot of bad vibes. We talked for a bit and as desperate as I was when we broke up, he didn't seem to remember it in a negative way at all.

 

So I still feel I did the right thing to pursue the man after a breakup. Love shouldn't be prideful and I know i can't live with myself if I don't at least try my best to salvage it.

 

I totally agree. If any people out there acted a little desperate after the breakup (provided it wasn't anything utterly insane), try not to beat yourself up about it. It's kind of normal to be all "Why??? And don't do this..." when a person breaks up with you. It's even normal for it to go on for a bit. Don't feel too bad about pleading with them. They likely still have feelings for you too; it's just that your pleading is making them act in the opposite way.

 

If you eventually do detach and stay away from them at least triple the amount of time you spent pleading with them (for instance, if you begged for a month (not necessarily non-stop, but just had periodic contact over the course of a month, then go completely absent for 3+ months), they will forget about it...slowly. They will get the sense that...okay, she/he has detached successfully. And if you keep it going, even more so they can forget that there were emotions after the breakup.

 

I mentioned above that a guy came back to me after 2.5 years. He was a short-lived involvement, but still he came back. I had acted a little desperate after we split, but he didn't focus on that; he focused on the time we were together, which was quite nice. Also, even though 2.5 years is a long time; I think it's coincidence that it was that long. I'm sure he would have considered me "safe to return to" after just six months....circumstances were just such that we stayed apart.

 

Another thing is that "acting badly" after a breakup can be the loving version of acting badly "I love you so much. Let's not break up. Please." or the hateful version of acting badly: "I hate you. Don't ever talk to me again. You make me sick."

 

I think the latter is more damaging. Being loving is maybe more "pitiful" but it's also less scary. Even if you don't REALLY feel all that hate but you just say it in the heat of the moment, it is freaky to the other person.

 

To put it in perspective, there is this guy who I went on a date with almost three years ago. Not even an ex-boyfriend, but just a date (but we knew each other from some social circles, so we had a friendly connection despite just one date). He became obsessed with me even after it was clear I wasn't interested. First he was texting me loving things like "I just want to hold you....I just want to take you for coffee and ..." blah blah. Sweet things.

But it turned to negative stuff like "Bitch, ...." blah blah.

 

I'm sure he's not dangerous or truly hateful. But as soon as the texts turned hateful as opposed to sweet, I was like...eff this.. Block. Never will interact with this person again. He even had written a little later "I'm sorry I was so drunk." But saying that nasty stuff had already happened. It was way too late. The memories of his saying hateful things won't be erased.

 

I can get over someone being overly loving to me, but not hateful because when it gets hateful it gets scary.

[sugarlove]

I think hate is a simply love turned inside out. It's the indifference that hurt me the most.

 

If there was real love to begin with, your ex will forgive for saying the worst things, even if it's really bad crap. Because really, words are just words.. and words exchanged when emotions are running high are the least accurate measure of how a person truly feels. What they say may not be how they feel.

 

It's funny how the human mind works, after a while, they will not remember what you said exactly,, i don't think so. But if there was chronic abuse that goes on continuously during the relationship, it's harder to forget. If there were mainly just happy times and laughter, whatever you say during the breakup will not erase how they feel, provided they really did love you. You can only hope they truly do, tIme is your only ally.

 

It's hard to forget someone you once felt love for. It's a feeling I still missed.

[miranda_wilson]

Yep. It's said that...after enough time passes, ultimately you will be judged by the relationship and not the breakup. And even if the relationship had its problems, the passage of time will make someone think of the good times instead of the bad times.

 

The time you are apart from the person gives them the notion of the possibility of change in you (even if you haven't actually made any change, although hopefully you have if you were kind of problematic in the relationship). They can't fathom change at a stage that is "too soon" (even if you have changed that fast.) They can fathom it after some time has passed (even if, ironically, you haven't changed.)

 

Absence/silence/distance from a person makes you mysterious again. They may not think you're 100% a different person, but they will more likely get the notion that whatever was problematic about you (to them) may have subsided or been toned down enough that they can just see how things are now.

 

Give it time.

 

Your best friends if you want to get back with an ex are Time and Patience.

 

Don't take any action or try to talk too soon because initially, everything you do is you acting out of FEAR. When you're acting out of fear, the results won't be good.

 

Tell yourself that there will be a time when you are strong enough that you won't feel "fearful" of anything your ex says or doesn't say. You're not anxious about his or her reaction to you.

 

You can get to the point that you want them back but don't *need* them back and aren't *scared* about them coming back or not. Just give it time.

 

And stop telling yourself that they're in a wonderful relationship right now. More likely than not, they are not. Actual relationships of significance don't usually happen back to back. It's rare that a person goes from one deep relationship into another within six months or even a year.

Edited July 2, 2014 by miranda_wilson

[Heartbroken_84]

I think hate is a simply love turned inside out. It's the indifference that hurt me the most.

 

If there was real love to begin with, your ex will forgive for saying the worst things, even if it's really bad crap. Because really, words are just words.. and words exchanged when emotions are running high are the least accurate measure of how a person truly feels. What they say may not be how they feel.

 

It's funny how the human mind works, after a while, they will not remember what you said exactly,, i don't think so. But if there was chronic abuse that goes on continuously during the relationship, it's harder to forget. If there were mainly just happy times and laughter, whatever you say during the breakup will not erase how they feel, provided they really did love you. You can only hope they truly do, tIme is your only ally.

 

It's hard to forget someone you once felt love for. It's a feeling I still missed.

 

Hi sugarlove, i read this post and had to comment. I completely agree with you about hateful words that are said in the height of emotions are not an accurate measure of how a person really feels. I'm not excusing it by all means, because i told my ex i hated him and I never wanted to see him again etc but I didnt mean it at all I was just so hurt and angry. I should have had more control over my actions but i am working on bettering myself so I never behave like that again.

[sugarlove]

WE've all been there, Heartbroken. I too have said some nasty words and the main aim was to hurt him as he has hurt me. He too said he no longer loves me, not right now. He decided that he want out of the relationship overnight because of something I did in reaction to something he did. And the spiral just got bigger and deeper.

 

I do feel his decision to break up was a hasty one as everything we had was so good. And I'm not just deluding myself when I said it. I think in hindsight I should have kept my mouth shut and just follow his silence. I might have pushed him to the point of no return but it's only been 3 months, so again I'll like to practice patience and just work on myself. But I've given up hope as holding on to it is filling me up with guilt and shame.

 

Again, this is a lesson to me which I'll cherish for the next person who will come into my life, be it him or not. I just hope he do indeed love me enough not to forget this "perfect gf" even though she have turned into a "psycho ex". I do hope that he will judge me based on the relationship as a whole and not during my moment of insanity. I've refused to remember any of our memories and have gradually, seemed to have a vague/blurry image of him in my head. I hope that means I'm indeed getting better..

 

Moving on is hard work. My confidence goes up and down all the time and I sometimes wonder if I'm the dumper or the dumpee as that will determine if I should break NC or not. Yet I've tried my best to contact him during the first 2.5 months and have apologised. So there is no need to label my role. Just going to keep loving myself because at least I won't wake up one day and leave me.

Edited July 2, 2014 by sugarlove

[Heartbroken_84]

WE've all been there, Heartbroken. I too have said some nasty words and the main aim was to hurt him as he has hurt me. He too said he no longer loves me, not right now. He decided that he want out of the relationship overnight because of something I did in reaction to something he did. And the spiral just got bigger and deeper.

 

I do feel his decision to break up was a hasty one as everything we had was so good. And I'm not just deluding myself when I said it. I think in hindsight I should have kept my mouth shut and just follow his silence. I might have pushed him to the point of no return but it's only been 3 months, so again I'll like to practice patience and just work on myself. But I've given up hope as holding on to it is filling me up with guilt and shame.

 

Again, this is a lesson to me which I'll cherish for the next person who will come into my life, be it him or not. I just hope he do indeed love me enough not to forget this "perfect gf" even though she have turned into a "psycho ex". I do hope that he will judge me based on the relationship as a whole and not during my moment of insanity. I've refused to remember any of our memories and have gradually, seemed to have a vague/blurry image of him in my head. I hope that means I'm indeed getting better..

 

Moving on is hard work. My confidence goes up and down all the time and I sometimes wonder if I'm the dumper or the dumpee as that will determine if I should break NC or not. Yet I've tried my best to contact him during the first 2.5 months and have apologised. So there is no need to label my role. Just going to keep loving myself because at least I won't wake up one day and leave me.

 

I can completely relate with the way you are feeling, it's so difficult, it's like a roller coaster of emotions. You're doing so well though, I'm only at 17 days of NC, 3 months feels like a long time away I really struggle with the thought that I'll never get to have that bond with him again and share the things we shared. It's a loss and I'm grieving for someone that has 'died' and a relationship that has died. It's so sad

[Elle1975]

I answered already, but I would like to add something. When I am the "dumper", I walk away and don't look back. I am sure of my decision and off in the sunset I go, no turning back, no regret, no contacting the ex.

 

As for being dumped, same thing, but of course at first it's a B*tch.. lots of heartache..then I get back on the horse, and off in the sunset I go.

[innocentbutterfly]

Sorry but I can't agree with this. I dumped my last girlfriend but once the dust had settled I realised I was still in love with her and it's taken me 2 years to fall out of love with her.

 

My issue was that I'd been hurt badly in childhood, been dumped from my last relationship and had trust issues. Inside I loved and adored her, but could never express this properly to her. I could with hugs and body contact and the occasional "I love you", but actually saying the wonderful things I thought about her felt impossible, and sadly she will never know. She probably thinks I was uncaring and didn't actually love her, but truth is I was too scared of being hurt so I held back. By the end of the relationship I felt like a mess inside, I was confused and the relationship had turned toxic. She'd become needy and I'd become cold. But that doesn't mean I didn't love her. The relationship had just become unhealthy and our personalities were very different.

 

So things aren't often that black and white...

 

You sound like ur my ex lol

 

Well. U know that part isnt the womans fault. U shouldnt have started a relationship with those trust issues and no one would get hurt

[Itspointless]

The list about the dumpers seems just to simple/to wishful. Perhaps this will be an option for securely attached dumpers without any dysfunctional attributes. I noticed a couple of times how people altered their memories just to fit it with their decisions. Also people who flee from a toxic/abusive relationship will surely follow a different path.

[requin]

The list about the dumpers seems just to simple/to wishful. Perhaps this will be an option for securely attached dumpers without any dysfunctional attributes. I noticed a couple of times how people altered their memories just to fit it with their decisions. Also people who flee from a toxic/abusive relationship will surely follow a different path.

 

what do you think an avoidant type would think??

 

My ex is avoidant (I'm anxious). I didn't know know he was an avoidant until after we broke up (duh! Hadn't read up on it..but did know I'm an addict/anxious type). I tend to think he won't ever come back..but w/ all my heart I want him to, because I want a chance to try again in light of knowing he's an avoidant. I'm reading up on it.

[Itspointless]

what do you think an avoidant type would think??

 

My ex is avoidant (I'm anxious). I didn't know know he was an avoidant until after we broke up (duh! Hadn't read up on it..but did know I'm an addict/anxious type). I tend to think he won't ever come back..but w/ all my heart I want him to, because I want a chance to try again in light of knowing he's an avoidant. I'm reading up on it.

We are on the same boat. I have to get back to you this weekend, as it is really late here and I am really busy tomorrow. There is a lot of research on this topic, which is depressing.

[requin]

We are on the same boat. I have to get back to you this weekend, as it is really late here and I am really busy tomorrow. There is a lot of research on this topic, which is depressing.

 

Yes it is depressing, it seems like there isn't much hope for avoidants in general, but esp an avoidant/anxious pairing.

 

But i have a book that seems pretty good, called "Wired for love" by Stan Tatkin. I just started reading it. I cry when I read it because it's for couples to work together on making their r'ship better, and my bf is already gone and I'm in NC mode (day 4). I dont know if I'll ever get a chance to share any of this w/ him, or if he will ever want to try.

 

The hope is the only thing keeping me going.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you again.

[Itspointless]

Yes it is depressing, it seems like there isn't much hope for avoidants in general, but esp an avoidant/anxious pairing.

 

But i have a book that seems pretty good, called "Wired for love" by Stan Tatkin. I just started reading it. I cry when I read it because it's for couples to work together on making their r'ship better, and my bf is already gone and I'm in NC mode (day 4). I dont know if I'll ever get a chance to share any of this w/ him, or if he will ever want to try.

 

The hope is the only thing keeping me going.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you again.

Yes read part of that book on google books. he also has a website where you can download his articles.

[Itspointless]

Hi requin. Its a shame I cant pm you, as you need 50 posts and some time.

 

I have to admit that the articles of Stan Tatkin and of Robert T. Muller have been the most insightful for me. Of the latest author you can also search for 'TRAUMA AND DISMISSING (AVOIDANT) ATTACHMENT:INTERVENTION STRATEGIES IN INDIVIDUAL PSYCHOTHERAPY'. This professor has also a book on this topic. There are also some parts of other books I found that gave me some insights, but I have to search for the titles. Most insights I found are spread across many scientific articles or columns on the net that I have stored in evernote. Note this searching is also common for anxiously attached people. I even found articles about that and how that leads to anxious people learning often more after an experience like this.

 

Feel free to pm me when you are able to, perhaps I have some articles that have information that can help you to ease your feelings. The images help me over and over realizing that I have to move on. She contacted me a few times, it was worthless. I also have to add that we were only together for a short time.

[miranda_wilson]

Here's a more thorough account of the "ex coming back" situations I've had. And mind you, not all of these came back for a relationship, some were just sniffing around. Also, I'm calling them all boyfriends, but they weren't all serious boyfriends. A few were. But they were all people I dated for at least 2-6 months

 

First boyfriend (not a serious relationship) came back after about 3 months. He was mostly just sniffing around. He was with a new person already but just wanted to see me again behind her back.

 

Second boyfriend (not a serious relationship) never came back.

 

Third boyfriend (in-between serious and not serious relationship) -- never came back. He got together with a new woman and got her pregnant. They didn't last either, but they had a baby together.

 

Fourth boyfriend -- came back after 3.5 months apart. Was returning for serious relationship.

 

Fifth boyfriend -- came back after 2 years (was interested in starting a relationship after he hadn't really wanted one two years before)

 

Sixth boyfriend -- never came back

 

seventh boyfriend -- came back after 1.5 years

 

eighth boyfriend -- talked to me again later to tell me he was getting married but never came back. this was one I actually didn't want anyway, though. I had been the dumper

 

ninth boyfriend -- came back after 2 months once, 8 months another time

 

tenth boyfriend -- came back after 5 months

 

eleventh boyfriend -- never came back

 

twelfth boyfriend -- never came back

 

thirteenth boyfriend -- came back after two years

 

 

The rate of "coming back" (at some point, either just as a sniff-around or an actual desire for a relationship) is 61%. So, in general, this is why I tend to have the thought that boyfriends often come back. It's unpredictable still, though, as to whether the one you want to come back is going to or not. And as you can see from my experience, it's not like you get it in the immediate time frame that you want it either.

 

This is why you have no choice but to move on like they're not coming back.

Edited July 4, 2014 by miranda_wilson

[BrokenHeartAndWings]

Miranda and others,

 

I posted my BU on another thread and haven't received any replies to my most recent post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-youve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted-41.html

 

It's the very last post (latest update).

 

I'm in the situation where my guy flipped out over nothing significant after 4 years, an engagement, and a wedding (which was scheduled for today!! He canceled it)

 

He's broken up with me before, and comes back. He did it in January, and again a few weeks ago, then came back a couple of days ago and told me he was crazy in love with me, apologized, texted me that he missed me and loves me dearly, wishes he could go back in time and fix the issues, said I was his solution to everything, I give him strength and love, and he promised to come help me this weekend around the house. I texted back something benign and he got snarky, I tried calling him and said I was confused and we need to discuss this in person, he replied that there was no reason to discuss anything, told me to keep his "stuff" and that he "didn't care anymore." Haven't heard from him since.

 

Is this pouting, a power play, a final break up, or is something else going on?

 

I've been NC with him a couple of times, and now going on 3 days. But my point is we had a long term relationship like you described, were extremely close, engaged, set wedding dates...

 

Thoughts anyone?