Girlfriend Getting Hit On in the Workplace

[Tk123]

Hey there. My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months now and I've had the time of my life with her so far. I am the type of guy to get on the jealous side pretty quick and I have a situation which I don't know if I'm being jealous or if I have a reason to be a little frustrated with her.

 

My girlfriend recently got a new job as a secretary at an auto body repair shop within the last month. She loves the job and I'm happy that she is doing well at this new job. As suspected she is the only female that works at the shop and she is around a lot of testosterone there.

 

The mechanics at this shop vary from ages 40-60 (I know you must be thinking what the hell are you worried about!) however, that doesn't stop me from being concerned about my girlfriend.

 

There is one particular mechanic that goes by the name of Jay who I hear about almost on a daily basis after work. He is in his early 40's, married and has three children. He hits on my girlfriend constantly and it's beginning to get on my nerves.

 

One instance, my girlfriend was washing some of the cars at the shop and when she bent over he made a comment saying "if you keep washing the cars like that, you'll have men lining up to get their cars washed by you."

 

Seems like something silly to get jealous over, however there have been a number of other instances similar to this.

 

Just recently, my girlfriend bought some food near where she works and she dropped it in the office. Jay went out of his way to leave the shop on his time and buy her a brand new lunch for nothing. My girlfriend texted me during the day saying what happened and how Jay bought her lunch and how she feels so loved. He calls her things like "baby" and "hottie" on a daily basis.

 

Later that day my girlfriend makes a Facebook status about how much she loves the men that she works with and posted about the scenario that I just listed. It seems like my girlfriend gets hit on this guy every day and they talk for a fair amount of time while there is downtime in the shop.

 

I am 20 years old myself and work with a bunch of married men similar to Jay's age on a daily basis. I can't tell you how many times the guys talk about going away on vacation and cheating on their wives. There are even situations when we are working and an attractive woman passes our job and they go all horny wanting to talk to the girl.

 

I have asked my girlfriend in the past if it bothers her that this guy does this so much and her words were "they mean no harm and that she thinks it's cute that these older men hit on her like that". She assured me that nothing will ever go on with the men at work but just because she said that doesn't mean I'm going to be at ease.

 

Outside of work when we are with each other, all seems well and we always have a great time together. There is no telephone communication between the two or anything like that (to my knowledge at least).

 

I've tried to let it go but I can't deal with hearing about my girlfriend's daily flirtations with Jay anymore. It's at the point where I trust my girlfriend to death, but I wouldn't put it past this guy to make arrangements out of work to try and get in her pants.

 

I've done a lot for this girl and she tells me I'm the first boyfriend that showed her what "true love" was (define that as you'd like; I know, it's debatable). I can see myself with her for a long time however, stuff like this makes me doubt that all the time.

 

So basically, I'm just looking for opinions on my situation. Am I overreacting? Based from what I've explained how do you feel I'm handling this situation, and what are your thoughts on this whole scenario in general?

 

I'd greatly appreciate some advice,

 

Thanks.

[d0nnivain]

You are feeling territorial . . . but you can not go all Neanderthal cave man on her in her workplace.

 

 

What she is experiencing at work is borderline sexual harassment. I say borderline because one of the elements of the offense is that the conduct must be unwelcome. If she's not complaining then you have to stay quiet. If you go storming into her work place, the owners will fire her because you are unstable.

 

 

She has a limited ability to control what jerks say to her but if she's not bothered by it & she's not telling them to stop, you need to believe she has it under control. If her behavior is above board, try to have a little faith in her. Maybe those guys don't value their marital vows but she may still be off put by any attempt by them to cheat with her especially if she has a hot understanding you to go home too. Notice which word I underlined.

 

 

Be cool. Show her you trust her.

[todreaminblue]

I have been hit on in relationships most women do in some way either obvious or not....but....i would never post it on face book...its disrespectful and also disrespectful to the wife of jay....she does need to show him some distance.....whether she likes him or not si irrelevant...you are her bf....and he is married....that's a no go zone in double format......deb

[MrMeh]

Your girlfriend is being hit on constantly and is taking advantage of the compliments they are giving her. Unless she reciprocates with heavy flirting, you have no right to be upset.

 

Presumably, she is a grown woman, meaning she knows where her true affection belongs. Please don't let your insecurity manifest speculation.

[nofeelings22]

You can trust her.

 

Part of why she has the job is because she's the hot chick. If she was not being honest, you wouldn't hear any of these stories.

 

I am usually with the hottest girls in existence. The are hit on and fawned over all day long.

 

She is telling you what is going on, so you can know you are the only guy for her.

 

Don't blow it by getting jealous of work stuff,

[BeholdtheMan]

My girlfriend texted me during the day saying what happened and how Jay bought her lunch and how she feels so loved.

 

Is she being sarcastic or does Jay really make her feel warm and fuzzy inside?

[tom670]

Is she being sarcastic or does Jay really make her feel warm and fuzzy inside?

 

That is the question.

Observe for now do some intel don't tell your gf and find out where he lives and again after more spying, you let his w know.

She should really be brushing him off though imo.

[Omei]

As a women I can tell you that im perfectly capable of putting out vibes/invitation for flirts and advances and not putting it out.

 

When im not giving off an "open" feeling men do not flirt with me...

 

I can use my body language, how I act and speak towards others easily and they won't hit on me.

 

Yeah its great she tells you the stories but shes not putting off the vibe that its unacceptable, she has the window open that its okay.

 

Women do this all the time they won't ever cheat but they never put a true end to reoccuring advances, sure women get advances but when its over and over by the same person its usually because by the body language and talking the advances are accepted.

[PegNosePete]

I'm gonna have to go against the grain here and say that you should definitely be concerned. I think every guy should expect his GF to get hit on sometimes, I know people come on to my GF too, but I think how she handles it is important.

Yep, totally agree with this.

She loves the attention of getting hit on by other guys.

She doesn't care how this makes you feel.

She doesn't care about the disrespect she is showing to you and your relationship.

 

Is this the kind of girl you want to be in a relationship with?

 

I certainly wouldn't. She is not long term GF material. She is acting like a single girl yet getting the benefits of being part of a couple. I would let her go. If she wants to act single then let her be single. You clearly have different relationship needs and expectations.

[giblesp]

Your GF is always going to get hit on. Constantly. How she and you handle it helps define your relationship, and whether you are compatible.

 

I tend to laugh at men flirting with my GF as they are coming across as desperate masturbators. If its gets chronic, I stare at them and they go. Most of the time, I let my GF handle it and she can call me if she needs help.

 

Bottom line is I'm with someone that I can trust, that I don't need to be concerned about when it comes to other men. This is very important. A relationship can't last without this trust.

 

Sounds like she's very young and not aware. Its not cute that older, married men are making compliments about her bending over while she washes a car. Its sleazy.

The fact that she takes it as a compliment is obviously concerning for you, which is understandable.

 

Then she's telling you about a man flirting with her and how she feels loved!?

 

I honestly recommend that you dump her.

[Thicke2013]

As a women I can tell you that im perfectly capable of putting out vibes/invitation for flirts and advances and not putting it out.

 

When im not giving off an "open" feeling men do not flirt with me...

 

I can use my body language, how I act and speak towards others easily and they won't hit on me.

 

Yeah its great she tells you the stories but shes not putting off the vibe that its unacceptable, she has the window open that its okay.

 

Women do this all the time they won't ever cheat but they never put a true end to reoccurring advances, sure women get advances but when its over and over by the same person its usually because by the body language and talking the advances are accepted.

 

This is it and in a nutshell what is bothering you. You know that if she wasn't accepting or even reciprocating the flirtations, they would stop. It's how it works. My fiance' is drop dead gorgeous (I am so marrying out of my league) and gets hit on nearly every time we go out. I trust her and respect her enough to handle it on her own 99% of the time. We have discussed boundaries that work for the both of us.

 

That is important as well. You see, my fiance' has been hit on by guys all of her life. Understandably her tolerance for such things will be somewhat greater than mine. Hell, if she told-off every guy that ever hit on her it would happen all the time. She can handle herself and has done so many times with me present and most times is able to do it in a manner that the guy doesn't get upset. These actions by her have gained my trust. Your problem is, you may not be worried about these "older men" but it makes you questions her judgement. You think, and rightfully so in my opinion, that if she does this at work is she doing this when she goes out too? It seems to be a character flaw. It needs to be talked about because she has her fault in it as well because she is allowing excessive flirtation by a married man and she is in a relationship too. Just my 2 cents. Good luck OP.

[Spectre]

Your girlfriend is being hit on constantly and is taking advantage of the compliments they are giving her. Unless she reciprocates with heavy flirting, you have no right to be upset.

 

Why did you specify "heavy" flirting here? Since, it doesn't matter how heavy or unheavy the flirting is, he'd have a right to be upset either way.

 

More importantly, I'd just ask her why she doesn't ask her co workers to stop hitting on her? Why not have her make it clear she is with someone and it is disrespectful to keep trying to hit on her in your place of work?

 

If this woman is texting her bf about dudes buying her lunch and her feeling loved..you kinda have no leg to stand on with the "you have no right to be upset" thing.

[Orange floor]

Reading thro from the beginning here the mood has changed and that is why it is good to get a broad perspective.

 

Your GF could prevent any of this going on by her actions to whatever gets said to her - does she have boundaries that you know and agree - some mild stuff is perhaps expected which does not mean its right; certainly opening it up on Facebook is not needed and it is an encouragement to more and will give the likes of Jay a window through which he will undoubtedly peer.

 

Maybe find out what it would take for her to become upset with what is said because the passage from throw away flirty comments to - fancy lunch - to can i give you a lift - gosh you look great in those - your BF is lucky - hope he is treating you right -

 

this is what happened in my relationship and before long there was an EA going on which soon became PA - so set some ground rules that help you give her trust and make sure she is aware of that trust.

Edited June 19, 2014 by Orange floor
word wrong

[NYC-BigKat]

You are feeling territorial . . . but you can not go all Neanderthal cave man on her in her workplace.

 

 

What she is experiencing at work is borderline sexual harassment. I say borderline because one of the elements of the offense is that the conduct must be unwelcome. If she's not complaining then you have to stay quiet. If you go storming into her work place, the owners will fire her because you are unstable.

 

 

She has a limited ability to control what jerks say to her but if she's not bothered by it & she's not telling them to stop, you need to believe she has it under control. If her behavior is above board, try to have a little faith in her. Maybe those guys don't value their marital vows but she may still be off put by any attempt by them to cheat with her especially if she has a hot understanding you to go home too. Notice which word I underlined.

 

 

Be cool. Show her you trust her.

 

 

I kinda think she likes the attention a lot since she's probably teasing all the guys & stuff. I would watch out if I was u .

[SammySammy]

The problem with this situation is that none of this is in the OP's control. He can't control other men hitting on her. That's going to happen to any woman he gets with. He can't her flirting back. He can't control how she feels about it or what she posts on FaceBook. He definitely can't control if she decides she wants to have sex with a guy at work or any other guy.

 

Getting jealous, angry, snooping around, confronting the guys and all of that doesn't solve his problem. Unless this woman decides that SHE wants to set some boundaries with these men and to respect her relationship, then anything the OP does is a waste of time.

 

The best he can do is calmly talk to her about his concerns and let her make a decision about what's important to her. Let her actions do the talking. Then, he can make a decision about whether he's willing to stay or leave based on what she does.

[preraph]

I get your angst, and she is employed in a place where it's going to be worse sexual harassment than usual. She likes these guys and is probably flattered she gets all this attention, but I really do not think you have to worry about her falling for one of the old geezers! She thinks they're cute and fun but would probably find anyone pathetic who seriously hit on her and thought he was getting anywhere.

 

I've worked in very raunchy work environments before and there are laws for that now, but at the time there weren't and I had to learn to deflect it with humor. Like after a lascivious remark, I'd look at the old lech as if I was evaluating him for a moment and then say in a dismissive way, "Nahhh, you wouldn't like it" and walk off, which scared them half do death thinking about what they wouldn't like.

 

The biggest concern here is whether or not she has good boundaries. You know her and I don't. Does she come from a good family and have a good relationship with her dad? If so, she's most likely got good boundaries and would feel comfortable taking a stand with a geezer if needed. But if she had chaotic parents (drunks, sex abuse, other abuse), then she might have a problem setting a boundary.

 

Overall, I don't think you have a thing to worry about though. She is probably so glad to come home to a nice cute young guy after a hot greasy day with those geezers!!

[PegNosePete]

She likes these guys and is probably flattered she gets all this attention, but I really do not think you have to worry about her falling for one of the old geezers!

No but what happens when a young guy joins the team or when she meets younger guys other places? She has a problem with boundaries, she is an attention seeker, she loves getting sexual attention from other men. Maybe she won't do anything with any of these old geezers but she is not behaving respectfully and if she is not behaving respectfully with these guys, you can bet your bottom dollar she will not behave respectfully when more attractive, younger guys hit on her either. In fact quite the opposite, most likely.

 

I would not be accepting AT ALL of this kind of behaviour. Unless she's just a short term / bit of fun girlfriend in which case, carry on. But I don't think someone who acts like this is emotionally mature enough to be in a serious relationship.

[cre8r]

I'm an old geezer. What's wrong with old geezers?

[regine_phalange]

I don't like the way she is handling this. She is obviously flattered and seems to have elastic boundaries. She should have not accepted the lunch, and him calling her those pet names. If I were you I wouldn't have accepted any of this. A woman can give red light, as much as she can give green light. I've had someone hit on me physically at work (he would put his hands on my shoulders out of nowhere, saying that I was doing a good job). I didn't pay much attention at first because I wasnt sure if it was friendly. But when it became clear (he started massaging my shoulders), I turned around and gave him an assassin look and told him "what are you doing?". It was more than enough for him to never touch me again.

[Thicke2013]

No but what happens when a young guy joins the team or when she meets younger guys other places? She has a problem with boundaries, she is an attention seeker, she loves getting sexual attention from other men. Maybe she won't do anything with any of these old geezers but she is not behaving respectfully and if she is not behaving respectfully with these guys, you can bet your bottom dollar she will not behave respectfully when more attractive, younger guys hit on her either. In fact quite the opposite, most likely.

 

I would not be accepting AT ALL of this kind of behaviour. Unless she's just a short term / bit of fun girlfriend in which case, carry on. But I don't think someone who acts like this is emotionally mature enough to be in a serious relationship.

 

This is exactly it. Boundaries. I can only equate it to my personal experiences. When my fiance' and I first got together, I would get uneasy when customers (she is in sales) would call and I would hear them flirting with her and calling her beautiful and sexy and making innuendos. She is friendly back obviously because of her job. She has never gotten out of line and she doesn't reciprocate the flirting. If they offer her a compliment she will say thanks and get back to the conversation. She has shared a couple of emails where customers would try to get out of line and she would politely set them straight. One example would be that she had a customer ( and I should point out that most of her customers are out of state) ask her out on a date and she laughed and said sure if I can bring my BF along. Another would be, she has a picture of herself on the business card in the signature on her email. One of her customers the other day asked for another picture of her so she sent a picture of she and I. Your GF doesn't have to be a b*tch to these guys but doesn't have to be so overly friendly either. I agree with PegNosePete, if she allows older guys to flirt with her and treat her inappropriately then how will she act when a hot young guy does it? You can still be a friendly likeable person and set boundaries for how people treat you. Hell, I have a woman I work with that is older and she would rub/massage my shoulders every time she came to my desk. Now, I simply turn in my chair to put my legs between she and I whenever she comes over. There was no need for a confrontation because I don't believe that she was making an advance on me, she is that touchy feely with everyone. It just made me uncomfortable so I made an effort to stop it politely. Your GF needs to show you the same respect. I don't think she is doing anything terribly wrong here. You two just need to sit down and calmly discuss healthy boundaries.

[Diezel]

I'd be very worried. She obviously loves the attention.

 

And there's nothing you can really say to make her change it either. She's not going to want to throw that away at this point. Had she shown some real character, Jay would have gotten away with those comments just ONCE.

 

Also, she is pushing your buttons with the lunch stuff...

 

I am pretty sure if the situation was reversed and it was you getting hit on by numerous women at the workplace, she wouldn't be cosigning on that.

 

Take this red flag as a lesson, it could be trouble.

[Omei]

If she continues going for lunches to get free meals and invites the flirting after you tell her how it makes you feel id say she doesn't respect the relationship.

 

My best friend does this all the time while she's in a relationship she lets the flirts come through she smiles invites it gets free things, car rides etc she doesn't cheat, cheat but she def emotionally cheats and everytime I see it I tell her she should break up with her bf because its unfair she will go as far as to hug them or give a cheek kiss.

 

If your gf continues to return home with stories about how she's hit on and gets free meals etc I'd leave, guys don't keep at it and buying girls stuff unless they think they have a chance.

[Spectre]

but I really do not think you have to worry about her falling for one of the old geezers! She thinks they're cute and fun but would probably find anyone pathetic who seriously hit on her and thought he was getting anywhere.

 

I don't think you have any idea of the way the world works then. You truly feel she won't get with these guys because they are "old geezers" ? So you feel women just never date older men? This isn't a thing that happens? Are these guys 80 years old with dentures and adult diapers or something?

 

I've worked in very raunchy work environments before and there are laws for that now, but at the time there weren't and I had to learn to deflect it with humor. Like after a lascivious remark, I'd look at the old lech as if I was evaluating him for a moment and then say in a dismissive way, "Nahhh, you wouldn't like it" and walk off, which scared them half do death thinking about what they wouldn't like.

 

Right, why learn to deflect it instead of just saying it has to stop? Your comment, your "you wouldn't like it" almost sounds as if you are kind of flirting back. That isn't the best way to solve these issues unless you want the behavior to continue.

 

The biggest concern here is whether or not she has good boundaries. You know her and I don't. Does she come from a good family and have a good relationship with her dad? If so, she's most likely got good boundaries and would feel comfortable taking a stand with a geezer if needed. But if she had chaotic parents (drunks, sex abuse, other abuse), then she might have a problem setting a boundary.

 

I'm shocked again, do you feel only people with "chaotic" parents cheat? We aren't talking about porn stars and hookers here, you don't have to be from a broken home to act inappropriately.

 

Overall, I don't think you have a thing to worry about though. She is probably so glad to come home to a nice cute young guy after a hot greasy day with those geezers!!

 

Right, I'm sure she just hates free lunches and compliments.

 

Yeah..nope, she hasn't told these guys to buzz off already..so there is already plenty to worry about.

[jbelle6]

When I was a bartender we would have a group of construction guys come in that commented to us in the exact same way on their lunch hour, and no matter how closed off you were to flirting they made those comments and egged each other on. They are all talk. Completely all talk. And as I found in time, absolute sweethearts that were rough around the edges. None of them would try anything and if someone in the bar got out of hand, they were the first to stick up for me and tell him to leave.

 

It's the ones in suits that were the piranhas.

[PegNosePete]

When I was a bartender we would have a group of construction guys come in that commented to us in the exact same way on their lunch hour, and no matter how closed off you were to flirting they made those comments and egged each other on. They are all talk. Completely all talk. And as I found in time, absolute sweethearts that were rough around the edges. None of them would try anything and if someone in the bar got out of hand, they were the first to stick up for me and tell him to leave.

 

It's the ones in suits that were the piranhas.

But this is not a customer/services environment. It's work colleagues.

 

If your boss was treating you like the construction guys, giving you free lunches and making sexual comments about you when you bent over, would you have accepted it so easily?