! Lost all dignity and self respect

[Zahara]

I'm just finding it so hard to accept that he's happier without me. Its killing me inside to know that he would rather have me out of his life. I just don't understand why he saw our relationship the way he did and why he wanted out so bad. I'l never get why he was so unhappy, all I can think about is the good times and the fun we had. Its so hard to accept, what if i never understand or accept it? I can't stop thinking about him and looking at his pictures on facebook, going on his profile. I am dreading the day he takes his relationship status off, I think I will have a panic attack!

 

Guys how do I let him go???

 

You have to stop projecting. You saw value in the relationship based on the image that you created in your mind. He views the relationship and you differently based on his individual needs/wants and his perception of what he desires in a relationship/partner.

 

You let go by blocking him on social media, phone and email. You will never be able to move forward if you keep focusing on his life.

 

Self-preservation. This is what you have to strive for. No triggers and no reminders. The more you are triggered and reminded, the more you stay hurt and stuck. The least you know about his life, the faster you move on and let go.

 

This relationship ended 8 months ago. If you want to waste more time clinging to something that never was, that is your choice. You also have the choice of accepting that it was long over and it's time to move on.

[Heartbroken_84]

I wont contact him though, that is one thing I am so sure of. Its day 3 now, I know its going to be crap but i read in quite a few forums and articles that I shouldnt contact him in 60 days.

[Zahara]

I wont contact him though, that is one thing I am so sure of. Its day 3 now, I know its going to be crap but i read in quite a few forums and articles that I shouldnt contact him in 60 days.

 

You don't contact him, period. Not 60 days, not 600 days.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hey Zahara I know you are right, and I'm struggling with accepting it so much. I pushed him away, i didnt make him happy and its my fault. I'm not what he wants or is looking for in someone. And no matter what I did it wasnt good enough and he didnt love me enough. U are right it ended 8 months ago. I'm so gutted. It's really hitting me now that its over, he wants nothing to do with me. He's gona move on and meet other girls and be intimate with other girls, and will eventually love someone more than he loved me. Ouch.

[Heartbroken_84]

I should have had the dignity and respect to walk away 8 months ago. What have I done y did i beg him and force him, I am better than that I dont know what happende to me.

[Zahara]

Hey Zahara I know you are right, and I'm struggling with accepting it so much.

 

And that is perfectly normal. When someone leaves us, it's only natural for one to find it hard to accept and grasp. Feel what you feel because you are still in shock and in pain. No one expects you to get over it today and move on. It's going to take time.

 

I pushed him away, i didnt make him happy and its my fault. I'm not what he wants or is looking for in someone. And no matter what I did it wasnt good enough and he didnt love me enough.

 

It isn't your fault, hun. Relationships are risks. Sometimes it never works out, and it's not the fault of one or the other but when compatibility starts to falter, or when needs/wants start to change or when people outgrow their emotions -- ultimately it ends. I was wonderful to my ex, and he cheated on me. I made him happy and he still strayed. Nothing is a guarantee.

 

Dumpees always take on the responsibility when the relationship ends. You could have treated him like a king and that would not have made a difference if you/relationship was not what made HIM happy within. And if you think he didn't love you enough, why be with someone like that? Turn that around and strive to be in a relationship where a man loves and wants you for you.

 

U are right it ended 8 months ago. I'm so gutted. It's really hitting me now that its over, he wants nothing to do with me. He's gona move on and meet other girls and be intimate with other girls, and will eventually love someone more than he loved me. Ouch.

 

Yes, he may move on to someone else. It is inevitable. You're crushed by the thought of him loving someone more than he loved you. But I promise you when you are emotionally detached and healed from him, the thought won't even make you flinch -- because by then you'll be emotionally free and looking forward to all the wonderful opportunities life is going to offer you -- his life and who he's with will just be a "whatever" to you -- that is if you allow the process of grieving and healing to take you there.

[Zahara]

I should have had the dignity and respect to walk away 8 months ago. What have I done y did i beg him and force him, I am better than that I dont know what happende to me.

 

We've all done it. I've done it. Don't beat yourself over it. You loved him and you were emotionally driven. When panic and anxiety sets in, reality is far from reach.

 

I'm sure he understands this as well. If you've been on here as long as I have, there have been posters that have done worse things. All in the name of love.

 

Let this be a lesson to you -- one that helps you grow. I have one relationship where I went bananas. Do I worry about it now? No. It's gone, forgotten. This will be forgotten as well.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Losing one's dignity due to "loving him so much" isn't love. It's obsession.

 

Obsessive love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[mangetout]

Gosh Heartbroken..all your posts could have be written by me. Thats exactly how I reacted when I was first dumped last year and he said the same thing...that we ague too much, its too broken, its best we separated for good.

 

 

Well he changed his mind two months later. We tried, it didn't work, then tried again two months later, it didn't work and now trying again...this time it seems to be working.

 

 

So no this doesn't mean its permanently over.

 

 

But what I can say is that you have to learn to chill within yourself. Like one poster said, you need to tackle your anziety in different ways.

 

 

Take him off the pedestal and work on yourself. Become that woman he fell in love with again. Not for him but for you! Because this is who you essentially are. You need to literally reset yourself again. Build your self confidence again and focus on you and you alone. Snap out of it if you feel overwhelmed by thoughts of him.

 

 

Its important to do this for your mental well being and for any future chances with your ex.

[Heartbroken_84]

@ Zahara: Thank you so much, you're lovely and yes I do need to just forgive myself and stop being so hard on myself. We all do stupid crazy things and at least I will learn from this and hopefully NEVER act this way again. Maybe it was more like an obsession and that what drove me to act that way. I think If i had more self-esteem and confidence though I would not have acted this way so I need to work on myself!

 

It is so reassuring to know that there are other people out there that can relate to me and have been through the same thing. If only i had come across this forum before I went loopy!!!!! I didnt even know these sites existed!! I have deactivated my facebook account for a while until I am strong enough to go on and block him, its just not something I wana deal with just now because we have so many mutual friends too.

 

Even though he is pretty emotionless, he is a very logical and secure person so thats why I know my crazy behaviour will be something he will never understand, i guess you are right though and it doesnt matter what he thinks though. As long as I forgive myself and not put all the blame on me, thats the only way I will be able to move forward.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hi mangetout, its nice to hear from you. Did you act as crazy as me though and send 100s of messages a day? I bet u didnt!?

 

Thing is though for you guys to have got back together he obviously was still in love with you and realised that he made a mistake. I think though in my situation its different because he isn't the kind of person to admit that he made a mistake, even if he wanted to. He is way too stubborn! And hopefully in a few months when I feel stronger, even if i do hear from him, I wont want to reconcile or even contact him, because I think I have a lot of anger towards him. Maybe i cant take the fact he didn't feel same way which I know isn't his fault, but also I feel like he had such an amazing girl and for him to let me go was crazy. Like why couldnt he fight for me? Theres a reason and its simply because his heart wasnt in it anymore.

 

I also feel he is partly to blame for me going so mad. I mean I spent 5 days with him and we were so loved up he asked me to stay on so i assumed we were back together, and for him to turn round the next day when I went home and say we wernt well it just completely messed my head up. I deactivated my facebook for a while so he will think I am just being dramatic again, but I dont care. I think this is whats best for me just now.

 

Did you not have a lot of resentment towards him? I hope my anger and resentment towards him goes away. I guess he must feel that way towards me too though for going so crazy and making him feel bad.

 

Eugh! this is horrible!

[umirano]

Even though he is pretty emotionless, he is a very logical and secure person so thats why I know my crazy behaviour will be something he will never understand

 

No one will understand crazy behavior, i.e. the craziness itself That's why it's called crazy. But he probably will understand why you acted crazy. All hope is not lost.

 

Continue on your path to deal with your own problems. You'll be able to love yourself, that in turn will enable others to love you.

[Heartbroken_84]

I miss him so much, cant stop thinking about the good times and how intimate we were only just a week ago.

 

Il never understand y he felt this way. I didnt know what being heartbroken felt like till now. Its horrible

[mangetout]

Hi mangetout, its nice to hear from you. Did you act as crazy as me though and send 100s of messages a day? I bet u didnt!?

 

Thing is though for you guys to have got back together he obviously was still in love with you and realised that he made a mistake. I think though in my situation its different because he isn't the kind of person to admit that he made a mistake, even if he wanted to. He is way too stubborn! And hopefully in a few months when I feel stronger, even if i do hear from him, I wont want to reconcile or even contact him, because I think I have a lot of anger towards him. Maybe i cant take the fact he didn't feel same way which I know isn't his fault, but also I feel like he had such an amazing girl and for him to let me go was crazy. Like why couldnt he fight for me? Theres a reason and its simply because his heart wasnt in it anymore.

 

I also feel he is partly to blame for me going so mad. I mean I spent 5 days with him and we were so loved up he asked me to stay on so i assumed we were back together, and for him to turn round the next day when I went home and say we wernt well it just completely messed my head up. I deactivated my facebook for a while so he will think I am just being dramatic again, but I dont care. I think this is whats best for me just now.

 

Did you not have a lot of resentment towards him? I hope my anger and resentment towards him goes away. I guess he must feel that way towards me too though for going so crazy and making him feel bad.

 

Eugh! this is horrible!

 

Yes I bombarded him with messages. He told me that he use to block me when I got like this but I didn't know that. I just thought he was ignoring me which angered me even further.

I use to call him all the names under the sun and tell him that it was my last and final text....then text him the day day to say how hurt I was that he couldn't even be bothered to answer any of my messages when he knew how upset I was so he obviously doesn't care and never cared for me and the whole relationship was based on a lie and how sad I am feeling that he could throw away what we had so easily etc etc.To which he would say it's over. Which in turn made me angry again and I would bombard him with even more messages.

 

So you see? Same as you. I always has my reasons for going ballistic because he provoked me. That's how I justified my behaviour.

 

Right now you are mentally attached to him and you are panicking, hence why you are freaking out. It's a bit like being a child who has lost her mother in a shopping mall.

 

But the more time you spend away from him and the less contact you have will make you stronger within yourself. It will happen gradually without you realising.

You will eventually become use to functioning on your own. Your resentment and anger will sizzle and it will lose its importance too.

 

I remember when he first left and I couldn't sleep for weeks. I hated sleeping in our bed and I would wake up having a panic attack because he was no longer there. I cried every day, every opportunity I could.

 

Seven months later I sleep well and I laugh a lot more. I spend more time with my friends and like it. Being single has become normal to me now. And I don't have any resentment because I want to move forward, with or without him

 

My ex and I are just dating at the moment and anything can happen. But I am no longer afraid if it doesn't work out as I now know I can live without him.

Edited June 18, 2014 by mangetout

[mangetout]

I miss him so much, cant stop thinking about the good times and how intimate we were only just a week ago.

 

Il never understand y he felt this way. I didnt know what being heartbroken felt like till now. Its horrible

 

Yes it is but many of us have been there and survived it. Take comfort in that. Hugs

[mangetout]

I am also certain that he is hurting too. He is just showing it in a different way to you.

 

You don't forget two years of your life with someone even if he was the one who dumped you. I am certain this is upsetting him too

 

Just please give each other some space till both of you are in better places

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Love addiction:

 

What is Love Addiction? | World of Psychology

[Heartbroken_84]

Hiya mangetout thanks for your reply! So you think it is possible, and that I shouldn't lose all hope of a reconciliation or even speaking in the future at some point as friends? I know I need to accept its over but I also feel like if I know there may be a glimmer of hope in the future for us then it doesn't make me feel so bad. I think in time he will miss me and I know this is a good time for me to focus on myself and regain my confidence and self-worth.

 

I hope you don't mind me asking you these questions, i think its just good to hear about another persons experience. But how long did your 'crazy' behaviour last for and when u finally did start the no contact period did u find that he then initiated contact with you and how long after? Also did you used to wonder and worry if he was dating or had been intimate with anyone else? I hope you don't mind me asking this!?

 

Wow I can really relate to you about crying in your bed and waking up feeling like your having a panic attack. Its only been 3 days since it all happened and I find myself okay for a few minutes, then next minute I burst into tears, then I start getting angry, then back into denial phase. I'm all over the place!

 

He has so many friends and is quite popular which I think I envy a bit because I know that will help him get over me quicker! Majority of my friends have moved away and just drifted apart so I think I'm finding it a lot harder. I need to start going out more I think and meeting new people!

[Simon Phoenix]

He might come back, but he probably won't. Honestly, if you hold out hope for him to come back, you'll never get past the crazy mentality you had. Whether or not they come back depends on the person. Personally, I would never take you back as a romantic partner if you acted in that manner with me. Would I forgive you? Probably, but I'd never take you seriously as a partner again. Sometimes you can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again -- when it's broken, it's broken.

 

You can't control whether or not he'll ever take you back, even as a friend. All you can control is your personal behavior from this point forward. And you will be a lot more likely to be successful in that respect if you stop hoping for him to come back in your life. You seem like you feel as if you are somewhat entitled to him understanding your behavior. You aren't. You can't control how he feels (you've spent a long time trying to, which is a lot of the reason why you when bats--t crazy) so stop trying and truly let go. Make you a better you. If you do that, things in your life will work out fine, even if he's not involved in them.

[Zahara]

The absolute last thing you should be doing is filling your head with the possibilities of reconciliation and comparing your situation to others. The focus is on you moving forward and accepting it as a break-up. Regardless of whether there is an opportunity to take you back, it doesn't change the fact that there were reasons to the demise of your relationship, not once but twice -- post relationship crazy behavior aside. Those reasons will probably still exist.

 

If and when he returns you can decide if you want to reconcile but for now, it's broken and you need to heal. There may come a time when you've gotten to a point in NC that you may not even want to revisit him again because with clarity in hand, you will be able to make choices from strength and not from an emotionally driven and dependent stance.

Edited June 18, 2014 by Zahara

[mtnbiker3000]

Losing one's dignity due to "loving him so much" isn't love. It's obsession.

 

It's many things. Usually directed inward. Low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness and being unlovable to name a few. Most of these usually stemming from childhood and your nuclear family dynamic and/or trauma...

 

I suggest therapy and lot's of self analysis and reading. There are lot's of great books out there to help you gain insight into your own issues. As I am sure you are realizing, the reality is that this has very little to do with him, and has everything to do with you and you personality, behaviors and patterns.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hey, I know you're right Zahara I guess I'm just really struggling with accepting it. I'm stuck in the denial phase and I dont know how how to move forward. The harsh truth is it I know that he wasn't good for me during the relationship, i was sad at the way he used to be towards me if we had an argument and the coldness used to hurt me a lot, so I dont know why I've been sitting here still hoping its not lost because it is. I think I am really struggling with my behaviour, its really affecting me because I thought i was this strong and stable woman, so what happened to me??? I must have really low self- esteem to have taken the rejection that badly and act so crazy. The things I was saying were so inconsistent and made me look so desperate/needy and weak but i'm honestly not that person. I wasnt up until about a year ago, I dont know what happened to me.

 

I swear i'm not trying to sound up myself here at all but I know I would get loads of guys trying to go out with me so because I knew he didnt i was like why there must be something wrong with me. I guess if i was more secure and happy in myself I would have walked away with my head held high, and now I cant even do that.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hey mtnbiker, thanks for your message. Yeah thats a good idea maybe I should talk to someone so I can vent and get it out my system and maybe it will address any underlying issues I may have that I dont even realise are there. I will start reading books too and I've been watching talks on youtube such as 'self-compassion' which was kindly posted as a link on this thread.

 

I really want to return to my happy, bubbly confident self. I used to be that girl!!!!!!!! Always smiling and laughing, folk used to compliment me on how nice my smile is, I dont remember the last time I smiled now!

 

Thank god for this forum and the lovely people on it!!!!!!!!!!

[emotionalMess]

You are clinging because this "clinging" gives you a sense of familiarity, some kind of connection to this guy and you don't want what is left of that idea to be gone.

 

It's easier to "cling" than to "let go".

 

Greive first then no more clinging ok?

[mangetout]

Hiya mangetout thanks for your reply! So you think it is possible, and that I shouldn't lose all hope of a reconciliation or even speaking in the future at some point as friends? I know I need to accept its over but I also feel like if I know there may be a glimmer of hope in the future for us then it doesn't make me feel so bad. I think in time he will miss me and I know this is a good time for me to focus on myself and regain my confidence and self-worth.

 

I hope you don't mind me asking you these questions, i think its just good to hear about another persons experience. But how long did your 'crazy' behaviour last for and when u finally did start the no contact period did u find that he then initiated contact with you and how long after? Also did you used to wonder and worry if he was dating or had been intimate with anyone else? I hope you don't mind me asking this!?

 

Wow I can really relate to you about crying in your bed and waking up feeling like your having a panic attack. Its only been 3 days since it all happened and I find myself okay for a few minutes, then next minute I burst into tears, then I start getting angry, then back into denial phase. I'm all over the place!

 

He has so many friends and is quite popular which I think I envy a bit because I know that will help him get over me quicker! Majority of my friends have moved away and just drifted apart so I think I'm finding it a lot harder. I need to start going out more I think and meeting new people!

 

 

Ofcourse he will miss you eventually. He will remember the good times you had together because you had lots of them.But that will take time as he needs to defuse his anger.

BUt I wouldn't despair and think you will never see him as that's not true. Whether you will get back together with him is hard to say at this moment but I am sure you could meet up one day as friends. So don't despair.

 

 

My ex and I never lost contact for more than two weeks. I was always the one to break NC and discuss getting back together.

But you need to know that when he dumped me he said its because he couldn't make me happy and not that he didn't love me or want to be with me. He said he needed space to reset himself but was hoping we could try again a year later. It still drove me nuts. I cannot count the times I have had my crazy fits on him...maybe ten times altogether.

 

 

And yes I use to torture myself with thoughts of him sleeping with another woman and falling in love with her.

 

 

All I can say is that you will wake up one morning and be fed up of how you feel. You will want to change. But in the meantime you are really hurting and there is nothing you can do about it except to ride the storm and try and be as kind as possible to yourself.

 

 

Cry as much as you like because you need to at this stage. You are grieving a loss.