! Lost all dignity and self respect

[Elle1975]

Hi Elle, can i just ask though will deleting him and all of his friends not make me look even more crazy and dramatic and weak???

 

And how did you muster up the strength to do it?

 

I am literally sitting at my laptop falling to pieces, cant stop crying i'm devastated that its come to this. One minute I'm everything to him, the next minute I have to delete him out of my life. Its so diffcult

 

I saw that you deleted his friends and his profile from your social media. Good job.

 

To answer your question, you will only look dramatic if you contact him after deleting him, like some kind of tamper Tantrum.

 

If you keep strong, don't contact him, and rebuild the damage you caused to your self esteem, you will seem (be) strong to those people. So no worries there.

 

So again, a "drama queen" would delete him and then keep reaching out. So don't do it.

 

If he contacts you, don't answer it. Or you can nail it on the head by saying that it's best that you don't stay in contact. I wouldn't add any "I love you" or "maybe one day" or anything of that nature. Just "best not to stay in contact" and leave it at that.

 

If you feel the urge to contact him, and you will (we all have..), give yourself three months. Decide that if in three months you still want to, you will evaluate your decision then. Then post here, and I'm sure you will get many helpful answers.

[umirano]

The madness you describe when you contacted him last weekend reminds me a lot of my ex at her worst time. Really, calm down. We all have episodes. I still respect her, I know that's not who she is. You will be ok.

 

You really need to step very far away from all this drama now. You need to be doing something completely different through out this summer. After a few months you will be able to look at the whole thing from a very different angle. You'll be able to forgive yourself and you will see the upside of it all.

 

You're not a bad person. RS need two people to work out, and BU usually aren't just bc of only one of the partners. I never read how old you are, I assume you're in the first half of your 20s, and if that's true, what you're going through is completely normal, nothing to be ashamed of.

 

There are many threads on this forum of people who have done way worse things to their partners or themselves.

 

Pick up a sport, something exhausting! And go out with your friends or family. In a few months you'll have calmed down so much that you can forgive yourself. Until then you don't need to worry about anything else.

 

I am sorry for your pain, I really am, because I can totally identify.

[mangetout]

The madness you describe when you contacted him last weekend reminds me a lot of my ex at her worst time. Really, calm down. We all have episodes. I still respect her, I know that's not who she is. You will be ok.

 

You really need to step very far away from all this drama now. You need to be doing something completely different through out this summer. After a few months you will be able to look at the whole thing from a very different angle. You'll be able to forgive yourself and you will see the upside of it all.

 

You're not a bad person. RS need two people to work out, and BU usually aren't just bc of only one of the partners. I never read how old you are, I assume you're in the first half of your 20s, and if that's true, what you're going through is completely normal, nothing to be ashamed of.

 

There are many threads on this forum of people who have done way worse things to their partners or themselves.

 

Pick up a sport, something exhausting! And go out with your friends or family. In a few months you'll have calmed down so much that you can forgive yourself. Until then you don't need to worry about anything else.

 

I am sorry for your pain, I really am, because I can totally identify.

 

OP good advise but I don't think it has to do with age. I am in my early forties am reacted crazily like Headtboken did. I never use to in the past when I was younger. Just crept up on me . Never too old to learn I say

[Heartbroken_84]

Yes certain people can push certain buttons in people. But it's still you. It still comes from your core being. This is the way you react when someone you love rejects you. This is you dealing with rejection. Your imsecurities come screaming out and you have literally exploded with emotions.

 

I have done it so many times I can't count.

 

BUT.

 

If my reconciliation doesn't work out with my ex and he dumps me again, I will graciously let him go. No fight. No explosion of emotions. I will say ok and wish him all the best. This is the new me that I intend to keep.

 

You live and learn

 

That is so true!! Its the rejection I have issues with that i definitely need to address and work on! I ordered a book on ebay actually about how to deal with rejection when someone you love leaves you so maybe that will give me more insight into it. its good to know that so many people including yourself can relate to behaving that way and that you were able to learn from it and make a positive change. Its so reassuring!

[Heartbroken_84]

The madness you describe when you contacted him last weekend reminds me a lot of my ex at her worst time. Really, calm down. We all have episodes. I still respect her, I know that's not who she is. You will be ok.

 

You really need to step very far away from all this drama now. You need to be doing something completely different through out this summer. After a few months you will be able to look at the whole thing from a very different angle. You'll be able to forgive yourself and you will see the upside of it all.

 

You're not a bad person. RS need two people to work out, and BU usually aren't just bc of only one of the partners. I never read how old you are, I assume you're in the first half of your 20s, and if that's true, what you're going through is completely normal, nothing to be ashamed of.

 

There are many threads on this forum of people who have done way worse things to their partners or themselves.

 

Pick up a sport, something exhausting! And go out with your friends or family. In a few months you'll have calmed down so much that you can forgive yourself. Until then you don't need to worry about anything else.

 

I am sorry for your pain, I really am, because I can totally identify.

 

Thanks Umirano that means a lot! Yes I am usually quite sane 90 percent of time! So just need to work on that other 10% I'm 29 and he is 27, i forgot to mention that.

 

I guess it will just take time for me to forgive myself, I am notorious for being hard on myself and putting a lot of the blame on myself. A relationship is two-sided so it wasnt all my fault! I definitely will take your advice about taking up a new hobby of some kind and keeping myself busy, I think that will help immensely.

 

Its nice to hear from a guys point of view too! How old are you if you dont mind me asking?

[Heartbroken_84]

I saw that you deleted his friends and his profile from your social media. Good job.

 

To answer your question, you will only look dramatic if you contact him after deleting him, like some kind of tamper Tantrum.

 

If you keep strong, don't contact him, and rebuild the damage you caused to your self esteem, you will seem (be) strong to those people. So no worries there.

 

So again, a "drama queen" would delete him and then keep reaching out. So don't do it.

 

If he contacts you, don't answer it. Or you can nail it on the head by saying that it's best that you don't stay in contact. I wouldn't add any "I love you" or "maybe one day" or anything of that nature. Just "best not to stay in contact" and leave it at that.

 

If you feel the urge to contact him, and you will (we all have..), give yourself three months. Decide that if in three months you still want to, you will evaluate your decision then. Then post here, and I'm sure you will get many helpful answers.

 

Hi Elle, yes you are right and I definitely wont contact him. Its weird I had no self control before but after what happened I dont even want to contact him, I couldnt bring myself to do it now and I wouldnt even know what to say tbh. Even though I still love him obviously and he was the love of my life (well at least I thought he was...now I'm not so sure) but part of me feels like if he were ever to contact me I dont even want to respond because despite me acting crazy he hurt me an awful lot so I dont know if I could even bring myself to reply.

 

Did you have a similar situation with your break up?

[Heartbroken_84]

Yes, 1000 times, yes! You will get over him, slowly but surely. Even if he is the love of your life. You may look back one day and remember him fondly but without the pain and disappointment you feel now.

 

Thinking of him with another woman will enter your mind. The only way to control that is to stop your thoughts. Whenever you think about it, do/think of something that distracts you.

 

I hope so!!! I think it will take me a long time though. I cant wait for the day that if I was ever to see him or look at his picture that I would feel nothing. I cant imagine that just now. Did you find that was the case with your ex? Did it take you a long time?

[Heartbroken_84]

Hi Elle, yes you are right and I definitely wont contact him. Its weird I had no self control before but after what happened I dont even want to contact him, I couldnt bring myself to do it now and I wouldnt even know what to say tbh. Even though I still love him obviously and he was the love of my life (well at least I thought he was...now I'm not so sure) but part of me feels like if he were ever to contact me I dont even want to respond because despite me acting crazy he hurt me an awful lot so I dont know if I could even bring myself to reply.

 

Did you have a similar situation with your break up?

 

P.s I wish i had come across this site BEFORE my crazy behaviour!! I didnt know forums like this even existed!!

[mangetout]

That is so true!! Its the rejection I have issues with that i definitely need to address and work on! I ordered a book on ebay actually about how to deal with rejection when someone you love leaves you so maybe that will give me more insight into it. its good to know that so many people including yourself can relate to behaving that way and that you were able to learn from it and make a positive change. Its so reassuring!

 

Good for you! What book did you order? I downloaded a few ebooks onto my iPad from Amazon. Do you have kindle? You can also download the kindle app from amazon

[Heartbroken_84]

Thanks Umirano that means a lot! Yes I am usually quite sane 90 percent of time! So just need to work on that other 10% I'm 29 and he is 27, i forgot to mention that.

 

I guess it will just take time for me to forgive myself, I am notorious for being hard on myself and putting a lot of the blame on myself. A relationship is two-sided so it wasnt all my fault! I definitely will take your advice about taking up a new hobby of some kind and keeping myself busy, I think that will help immensely.

 

Its nice to hear from a guys point of view too! How old are you if you dont mind me asking?

 

Oh I also forgot to mention umirano that he was my first love, I had a boyfriend before him but the love I felt for him was nothing compared to what i feel for my current ex.

[Zahara]

I hope so!!! I think it will take me a long time though. I cant wait for the day that if I was ever to see him or look at his picture that I would feel nothing. I cant imagine that just now. Did you find that was the case with your ex? Did it take you a long time?

 

It was the case with all my exs. Grieving and healing is a process. Yes, it takes a significant amount time BUT it's what you do with that time that helps you get there.

[Heartbroken_84]

Gosh. Reading your posts remind me so much of my state of mind seven months ago. I was soooo lost. Soooo heartbroken. How could I live life without this man. Impossible I thought.

 

Well you can! Trust me you will! I am such a different person now. I don't have this fear and pain you are feeling. I have acceptance and feel fine with it.

 

This will happen to you too.

 

Thats exactly how I feel, so lost and heartbroken! Like I've taken a bullet! I;m actually single now, WOW thats weird! and scary

[Heartbroken_84]

Good for you! What book did you order? I downloaded a few ebooks onto my iPad from Amazon. Do you have kindle? You can also download the kindle app from amazon

 

Its called 'Getting past your breakup:How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You'

 

I hope it helps, no i dont have a Kindle but i have a feeling I will be buying a lot of books!

 

And also talking to you guys and venting

[mangetout]

Oh I also forgot to mention umirano that he was my first love, I had a boyfriend before him but the love I felt for him was nothing compared to what i feel for my current ex.

 

Hence why it's so difficult to let go.

[mangetout]

Thats exactly how I feel, so lost and heartbroken! Like I've taken a bullet! I;m actually single now, WOW thats weird! and scary [/

But through time you will,adjust and being single will feel very normal to you

[mangetout]

Its called 'Getting past your breakup:How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You'

 

I hope it helps, no i dont have a Kindle but i have a feeling I will be buying a lot of books!

 

And also talking to you guys and venting

 

Just keep reading and keep posting. It's like giving up cigarettes or drinking or something toxic. You are getting withdrawals but eventually it will become very normal. Just accept that it takes time.

 

I check in on a daily basis. What country are you from?

[Heartbroken_84]

Just keep reading and keep posting. It's like giving up cigarettes or drinking or something toxic. You are getting withdrawals but eventually it will become very normal. Just accept that it takes time.

 

I check in on a daily basis. What country are you from?

 

Thats nice to know I will! Its helping me a lot already speaking with you guys and gaining an insight into your perceptions and views.

 

I'm from the UK, from Scotland! Where are you from?

[Heartbroken_84]

Thats nice to know I will! Its helping me a lot already speaking with you guys and gaining an insight into your perceptions and views.

 

I'm from the UK, from Scotland! Where are you from?

 

Thats definitely a very accurate way to describe it. Its definitely like I am having withdrawals. I've been used to seeing and speaking to him nearly every day and now its nothing. So strange.

[Heartbroken_84]

Guys why is it that I find in SO much harder to cope in the evenings??? especially when I go to bed! I just miss him so much omg! I can't believe how painful it is, its like you are longing so desperately for that person, I am having serious withdrawals!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

[mangetout]

Yes the evenings are very hard. Do you have friends that yiu can call?

[mangetout]

I am trying to remember how I dealt with those awful days.. It's such a blur to be honest. I can't remember exactly.

 

Somehow I got through. I just remember crying a lot and reading a lot

[Heartbroken_84]

Not really, all my friends have moved away or we have drifted apart because they are married etc.

 

I have a few close friends who i have been confiding in.

 

Its just so horrible!!!!!! I cant stop thinking about the good times its torture. Is this how its gona be for the next few months, every day???? Cause I really dont think i can take it

[KS11]

Hi Heartbroken,

 

I've been reading your thread for the last few days as i've been debating whether to post again myself. Reading your story and in particular the way you dealt with the break up just sparked so many similarities with myself i just feel i have to, if nothing else it may help you feel a little less like you're as crazy as you paint yourself.

 

Too cut a very long story short (you can seen from when i first joined here), I was in a 'relationship' for the past 4 years, I use the '' as for some of that time it was pretty unclear. We decided to end things last Friday. To give you a bit of detail, we've been on and off throughout that period. For me, she's always been the love of my life and even now i'd throw myself under a bus for her. For her, it's always been more difficult for a number of reasons, many of which i'll never understand. Suffice to say she decided on Friday that enough was enough.

 

It's not the first time we've decided to end things, in the past, as now, its always been her to decide and its always been her to return to try things again. However this time I know its different.

 

There's so much I could say, and part of me really wants to write a post but I think I've bored enough people already with my story. I just want to say, that I too took similar action to you, and messaged her repeatedly...the circumstances were slightly different but to give you some idea, she said i was 'hounding'. I know you're worrying about whether you thinks you're crazy and obviously I don't know him, but from my own experience and if he is a level-headed man Im sure he can appreciate the emotional turmoil you were under. As cold as my ex was (much by her own admission) she could at the very least understand my actions, my need for clarification, validation etc. On top of that, if, and from what i've read you sound like a great girl, you treated him well during the relationship and like me couldn't have shown your love more than I highly doubt those memories will fade.

 

For me and like I imagine you are...I'm a mess. I can't comprehend that out of all the options there were to choose she decided to go with the one that doesn't involve me in her life. Part of my problem is as much as i keep telling myself this time its really over..becuase of our history I can't help but think maybe she will get back in touch. I even took the new step on Monday to change my number, with the idea that it would stop me looking at my phone and hoping. Do you know what I did 5 hours later? Text her my new number saying how worried I was that she might one day want to contact me and won't be able to. I mean WTF!! Then to add to that my last message was 'You're never going to come back are you'..no reply of course.

 

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, or whether it will be of any help to you. But I just want you to know that you're not alone, you're not crazy. You're actions are understandable to those who have the benefit of being able to feel the deep love that you can for others and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I should wrap this up. I have a tendency to get verbose when i get going!

[emotionalMess]

Hi emotional mess, that is very accurate. I am definitely clinging on to him and that is not in any way going to help me in the process of letting go. Every time I think good thoughts about him I need to ultimately ensure I snap out of it and remember all the times I cried after we argued.

 

It is one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with, and I hate to say it but maybe it has a lot to do with my ego being crushed too, because I'm like 'I was out of his league and he still left me' I know PATHETIC but I cant stop thinking things like that. Honestly the effort he went to to chase me at the beginning just makes me think wow who was that nice charming guy? But i guess we got so swept away in all the fun we were having.

 

In my eyes I thought that being in a long term relationship meant yes of course you have fun and enjoy it, but are u not also meant to be there for each other during the arguments and fall outs? I mean he would get so freaked out if i got upset or emotional, and his response 9 times out of 10 was so cold and just plain emotionless or angry. I was never allowed to be annoyed at him about ANYTHING, if i was he would put me in my place and punish me for it.

 

Sorry for the rant here I just feel so frustrated that he didnt want to take any responsibility for it or even want to address the fact that maybe he does need to change a bit. I think he obviously just isnt ready to be in a serious relationship and commit and so didnt see me as worth fighting for.

 

I keep taking it so personally though!!!!!! He said to me that everything is drama, but I see it as when there was drama it was because of the way he responded to me which hurt me and made me go mad. How do you stop torturing yourself with all these thoughts???

 

 

 

Look at it this way.

 

Yes, its your bruised ego which is dominating your thoughts and it is difficult to have any closure

when your ego is calling the shots.

 

When you are ready, take baby steps to find closure within yourself.

You have to trust that no matter what he says, it will not give you closure.

 

Start with this thought.

 

Releationships usually go two routes: marriage or Breakup

 

Be honest, do you truly see yourself ever married to this person and being happy after all that has happend?

 

I'm guessing no.

 

So keep this in mind when you go into future relationships and you will likely be the one to end things first or

at least be better prepared for what route you hope to take.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hi Heartbroken,

 

I've been reading your thread for the last few days as i've been debating whether to post again myself. Reading your story and in particular the way you dealt with the break up just sparked so many similarities with myself i just feel i have to, if nothing else it may help you feel a little less like you're as crazy as you paint yourself.

 

Too cut a very long story short (you can seen from when i first joined here), I was in a 'relationship' for the past 4 years, I use the '' as for some of that time it was pretty unclear. We decided to end things last Friday. To give you a bit of detail, we've been on and off throughout that period. For me, she's always been the love of my life and even now i'd throw myself under a bus for her. For her, it's always been more difficult for a number of reasons, many of which i'll never understand. Suffice to say she decided on Friday that enough was enough.

 

It's not the first time we've decided to end things, in the past, as now, its always been her to decide and its always been her to return to try things again. However this time I know its different.

 

There's so much I could say, and part of me really wants to write a post but I think I've bored enough people already with my story. I just want to say, that I too took similar action to you, and messaged her repeatedly...the circumstances were slightly different but to give you some idea, she said i was 'hounding'. I know you're worrying about whether you thinks you're crazy and obviously I don't know him, but from my own experience and if he is a level-headed man Im sure he can appreciate the emotional turmoil you were under. As cold as my ex was (much by her own admission) she could at the very least understand my actions, my need for clarification, validation etc. On top of that, if, and from what i've read you sound like a great girl, you treated him well during the relationship and like me couldn't have shown your love more than I highly doubt those memories will fade.

 

For me and like I imagine you are...I'm a mess. I can't comprehend that out of all the options there were to choose she decided to go with the one that doesn't involve me in her life. Part of my problem is as much as i keep telling myself this time its really over..becuase of our history I can't help but think maybe she will get back in touch. I even took the new step on Monday to change my number, with the idea that it would stop me looking at my phone and hoping. Do you know what I did 5 hours later? Text her my new number saying how worried I was that she might one day want to contact me and won't be able to. I mean WTF!! Then to add to that my last message was 'You're never going to come back are you'..no reply of course.

 

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, or whether it will be of any help to you. But I just want you to know that you're not alone, you're not crazy. You're actions are understandable to those who have the benefit of being able to feel the deep love that you can for others and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

 

I should wrap this up. I have a tendency to get verbose when i get going!

 

Hi KS11, its really nice to hear from you thanks for your message!

 

I really empathise with you and feel your pain, its such a tough time. You feel like your world has come crashing down and you go into this self pity mode 'why did this happen to me' 'why wasnt I worthy of sticking around' and the truth is we probably will torment ourselves with thoughts like these for a while because we feel so let down and rejected.

 

Today is the first day that I actually amn't beating myself up for my crazy behaviour. I have realised that i definitely have issues there with abandonment which stems from my childhood. this is something I am going to seek help for by reading self-help books and speaking to a therapist. We need to use this experience to help us become better and stronger people, so that in future if it was to ever happen again we would have the self-belief to know not to take it personally. A lot of the time it has something to do with the 'dumper' being emotionally unavailable which is the case in my situation. He just couldnt deal with the arguments and didnt know how to respond in order to stop them escalating or turning into a 'drama' which is teh word he would often use. 'Too much drama' Was it unprovoked?? No of course it wasnt. He barely took responsibility for his part to play.

 

Anyway sorry for rambling here, I think the point I am trying to make is that you are right we shouldnt think its all our fault and we certainly shouldnt be ashamed anymore of our 'crazy' behaviour. You live and you learn, and I know I will work on the root of why I acted like that so I never act like that again.

 

Yes you shouldnt have text her but you had a moment of weakness and its only because you love her so much. You need to cut all contact now, honestly if there is one thing I have learned from this its you need to regain your own self-respect and dignity for YOU. Otherwise it will eat away at your self-esteem and you'l never forgive yourself for it, which is the case for me anyway.

 

Honestly feel free to post more, dont feel like you cant ramble (like me) its comforting to know that a lot of us are in the same boat and can relate to each other.

 

I hope you're okay! I heard that this book is really good so I ordered it on ebay. Its called 'Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You'

 

Maybe give it a try!