! Lost all dignity and self respect

[Zahara]

Thats so true Zahara, thanks.I really am trying, I find that I hit rock bottom in the evenings. And today all I can think about is me and him being intimate and how good it was. Eugh its torture

 

I know you are trying. This is a very difficult time for you so we all understand what you're going through.

 

Mornings were the hardest for me. Evenings were better for me. I felt that it was the end of another day and I could just put all my pains of struggling through the day behind me and cocoon myself for the night in the safety and comfort of my own home. Laying in bed at night was peaceful and calm for me. I almost could shut it all out and feel like it was all going to be better. But then the morning would come and the moment I would open my eyes, I would plunge into anxiety attacks, I'd panic. Seeing the morning sun made me literally sick. Another day for me to feel my pain. I'd struggle for at least till mid-afternoon and the feeling would slowly dissippate and I'll go through the cycle again.

 

People cope differently but whatever you feel, as in the evenings being worse, some feel that way and some feel the mornings are worse. So what you feel is normal. Maybe evenings were when you had your together times? Maybe you feel it's another day that's gone by that's solidfying your ending?

[Elle1975]

I know you guys are right, I need to think about myself. Sorry for being a pain its just still so fresh and even when I feel myself being strong I still have my moments where I forget about the importance of focusing on ME instead of him.

 

You know that period where you are so angry and want to make it look like you dont care?? The thought of him thinking that I'm sitting at home crying and so upset annoys me!!!! I do realise though that its not about him and what he thinks, its about me. I am trying to drum that into my brain!

 

x

 

If you stick to your guns, you won't look like you're playing games, because that's not what it's all about.

 

I understand that it's a hard few weeks that you have ahead of you. We've all been there. If you doubt you decision, remind yourself that's it's over, so what's the point in reaching into the past?

[Heartbroken_84]

I know you are trying. This is a very difficult time for you so we all understand what you're going through.

 

Mornings were the hardest for me. Evenings were better for me. I felt that it was the end of another day and I could just put all my pains of struggling through the day behind me and cocoon myself for the night in the safety and comfort of my own home. Laying in bed at night was peaceful and calm for me. I almost could shut it all out and feel like it was all going to be better. But then the morning would come and the moment I would open my eyes, I would plunge into anxiety attacks, I'd panic. Seeing the morning sun made me literally sick. Another day for me to feel my pain. I'd struggle for at least till mid-afternoon and the feeling would slowly dissippate and I'll go through the cycle again.

 

People cope differently but whatever you feel, as in the evenings being worse, some feel that way and some feel the mornings are worse. So what you feel is normal. Maybe evenings were when you had your together times? Maybe you feel it's another day that's gone by that's solidfying your ending?

 

Yes I can totally understand where you are coming from, that must have been really difficult. How did you get through it!!!? I need to try and find ways of dealing with my anxiety and feeling of loss.

 

Yeah I think the evenings are when we definitely spent a lot of time together and then because we would sleep in the same bed etc i'm finding it so hard now that i'm on my own when I go to bed and he isnt next to me. And then I freak myself out completely with the thought that I will never get to lie in bed with him again, that thought goes to all the other things that I wont get to share and experience with him again. Its sickeneing.

 

I wish I was strong. I really do

[Heartbroken_84]

If you stick to your guns, you won't look like you're playing games, because that's not what it's all about.

 

I understand that it's a hard few weeks that you have ahead of you. We've all been there. If you doubt you decision, remind yourself that's it's over, so what's the point in reaching into the past?

 

I havent blocked him on facebook yet I am so confused I dont know what to do because I spoke to my mum and she said if u have deleted him and all his friends then there probably isnt any need to block him. I dont find myself looking him up or anything, do u still feel that I should block him even if I deleted him as a friend?? I blocked him on whatsapp after he messsaged me, is that not sufficient?

 

I am just so confused after speaking to my sister and mum and u guys because they are saying blocking on facebook is uneccessary if he is already deleted.

 

Sorry I am just having a hard time with this. Cant believe its ONLY been 5 days.

[Zahara]

Yes I can totally understand where you are coming from, that must have been really difficult. How did you get through it!!!? I need to try and find ways of dealing with my anxiety and feeling of loss.

 

Yeah I think the evenings are when we definitely spent a lot of time together and then because we would sleep in the same bed etc i'm finding it so hard now that i'm on my own when I go to bed and he isnt next to me. And then I freak myself out completely with the thought that I will never get to lie in bed with him again, that thought goes to all the other things that I wont get to share and experience with him again. Its sickeneing.

 

I wish I was strong. I really do

 

The first few weeks, I'd wake up and lay in my anxiety and panic. I couldn't get up from bed. I felt paralyzed. I'd be at work and stare endlessly.

 

I decided to start therapy, and one of the things she told me do was to have a routine in the morning. Open eyes, jump out of bed, put on radio with lively music or CD's with self-empowering messages/affirmations, brush teeth, shower, get dressed and walk out the door. I started feeling better as I was reading self-help books, I started meditating, I was listening to self-help CDs -- affirming positive messages in my head, etc. When I felt bad, I made sure to distract myself by doing something other than thinking or investing time and space in him.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are strong. You've just been dealt with an emotional blow to the heart. It's perfectly normal and acceptable for you to feel weak and defeated. Allow yourself those feelings.

[Heartbroken_84]

The first few weeks, I'd wake up and lay in my anxiety and panic. I couldn't get up from bed. I felt paralyzed. I'd be at work and stare endlessly.

 

I decided to start therapy, and one of the things she told me do was to have a routine in the morning. Open eyes, jump out of bed, put on radio with lively music or CD's with self-empowering messages/affirmations, brush teeth, shower, get dressed and walk out the door. I started feeling better as I was reading self-help books, I started meditating, I was listening to self-help CDs -- affirming positive messages in my head, etc. When I felt bad, I made sure to distract myself by doing something other than thinking or investing time and space in him.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are strong. You've just been dealt with an emotional blow to the heart. It's perfectly normal and acceptable for you to feel weak and defeated. Allow yourself those feelings.

 

Thats really interesting to know Zahara. I have been thinking about therapy and meditation and also self-help books. i think because I have an exam in 1 week the nerves and anxiety are at their peak.

 

My self-esteem has been given a huge blow too. This is how pathetic I am, I got dressed up earlier and then took a photo and made it my profile picture on facebook so my friends could like my picture and I could feel good about myself. How sad is that!!!!!! Its embarrassing!

 

Can I just ask you, do you really think I should block him on facebook even though he isnt my friend on it and I am not going to contact him?? I want to be strong enough not to have to resort to that!! I'm sorry i know I keep bringing this up but its just because I spoke to my mum and sister and they said I shouldnt give him the satisfaction of blocking him. Deleting someone is enough.

 

Would u agree? Because I am still carrying out no contact, I will never message him and I blocked him all other ways.

[Zahara]

Thats really interesting to know Zahara. I have been thinking about therapy and meditation and also self-help books. i think because I have an exam in 1 week the nerves and anxiety are at their peak.

 

Then use that exam as your motivation to put this behind your for awhile. Pull your books out, go to a park, sit and read -- keep pushing him out of your head. Thought stop and divert yourself to your studies.

 

My self-esteem has been given a huge blow too. This is how pathetic I am, I got dressed up earlier and then took a photo and made it my profile picture on facebook so my friends could like my picture and I could feel good about myself. How sad is that!!!!!! Its embarrassing!

 

It's not embarassing. You're needing an ego boost while you're down on the floor picking up the pieces. There is nothing wrong in seeking a little validation when you're feeling defeated.

 

Can I just ask you, do you really think I should block him on facebook even though he isnt my friend on it and I am not going to contact him??

 

I've said this before. The utmost priority is to preserve your emotional and mental wellbeing. Keeping yourself far from triggers and reminders. If he is not your friend and you are not going to contact him, why the difficulty in blocking him? You can always unblock when you're feeling better? Why is this such an issue? And yes you should block because there have been many times on here where people have deleted and somehow someone tags, or you get the "people you know" show up with a picture of their ex with someone else, etc. and it sets them back. Or the ex has access to their page and sends them a message because defriending still leaves you open to communication with them.

 

I want to be strong enough not to have to resort to that!! I'm sorry i know I keep bringing this up but its just because I spoke to my mum and sister and they said I shouldnt give him the satisfaction of blocking him. Deleting someone is enough.

 

Again, self-preservation. This isn't about how he feels, what he perceives, how he views -- this is about your healing and your efforts to preserve your feelings and your wellbeing. You already showed him you deleted him -- which means you are choosing to sever the friendship -- how is blocking any different from that? You don't want to block this one avenue because you want him to have access to you just incase he contacts? Is that it?

 

Would u agree? Because I am still carrying out no contact, I will never message him and I blocked him all other ways.

 

So, you blocked him all other ways. What's the exception with FB? Blocking him all other ways has already given him the "satisfaction" your mum and sister mentioned. I'm not understanding this.

 

At the end of the day, this is up to you. If you are not ready to block him on FB, then you don't have to. But if you have blocked him everywhere else, I am not understanding the significance of having this one window slightly open to you.

Edited June 20, 2014 by Zahara

[Heartbroken_84]

Then use that exam as your motivation to put this behind your for awhile. Pull your books out, go to a park, sit and read -- keep pushing him out of your head. Thought stop and divert yourself to your studies.

 

 

 

It's not embarassing. You're needing an ego boost while you're down on the floor picking up the pieces. There is nothing wrong in seeking a little validation when you're feeling defeated.

 

 

 

I've said this before. The utmost priority is to preserve your emotional and mental wellbeing. Keeping yourself far from triggers and reminders. If he is not your friend and you are not going to contact him, why the difficulty in blocking him? You can always unblock when you're feeling better? Why is this such an issue? And yes you should block because there have been many times on here where people have deleted and somehow someone tags, or you get the "people you know" show up with a picture of their ex with someone else, etc. and it sets them back. Or the ex has access to their page and sends them a message because defriending still leaves you open to communication with them.

 

 

 

Again, self-preservation. This isn't about how he feels, what he perceives, how he views -- this is about your healing and your efforts to preserve your feelings and your wellbeing. You already showed him you deleted him -- which means you are choosing to sever the friendship -- how is blocking any different from that? You don't want to block this one avenue because you want him to have access to you just incase he contacts? Is that it?

 

 

 

So, you blocked him all other ways. What's the exception with FB? Blocking him all other ways has already given him the "satisfaction" your mum and sister mentioned. I'm not understanding this.

 

At the end of the day, this is up to you. If you are not ready to block him on FB, then you don't have to. But if you have blocked him everywhere else, I am not understanding the significance of having this one window slightly open to you.

 

I am ashamed to admit this but I think thats exactly it. I know that if I block him on facebook there is no way he can contact me, and part of me wants to leave that window open for him so that if he does contact me it gives me the satisfaction of knowing he did and that I wont reply and that I have the power then. Its all because I am so desperate to regain my dignity/ self/respect/power. i'm so desperate to get that back Zahara. Jeez what is wrong with me??????

 

I really appreciate your comments. thank you its keeping me going

[Zahara]

I am ashamed to admit this but I think thats exactly it. I know that if I block him on facebook there is no way he can contact me, and part of me wants to leave that window open for him so that if he does contact me it gives me the satisfaction of knowing he did and that I wont reply and that I have the power then. Its all because I am so desperate to regain my dignity/ self/respect/power. i'm so desperate to get that back Zahara. Jeez what is wrong with me??????

 

I really appreciate your comments. thank you its keeping me going

 

I had a feeling that was why. I was waiting for when you'd come forward with how you were really feeling.

 

If you're not ready then no one can force you to block him. We can advise you but if it's causing you so much turmoil, then do it when you are ready.

 

What you feel is a normal reaction that dumpees feel. The need to have validation that the dumper did make contact -- it means that the dumpee did mean something to the dumper, it provides assurance that they were cared for -- then the satisfaction in ignoring because it makes the dumper hurt just as the dumpee hurt but that isn't realistic because the emotional investment between the two is far different.

 

Do it when you are ready. There is no need to battle it right now if you aren't ready.

[Heartbroken_84]

I'm glad I admitted that, i didnt want to because I feel ashamed and disappointed. I just feel so weak.

 

Today has been the hardest day so far and its only the 5th day of NC, Please tell me it will get easier? Its one of the hardest things i have ever had to go through. i know you are right about my emotional investment being a lot deeper than his. It hurts so bad. I wish he loved me.

 

I wish I hadnt begged and pleaded and acted crazy.

 

If I had walked away gracefully then I know I wouldnt be feeling as horrible as I do now

[Zahara]

I'm glad I admitted that, i didnt want to because I feel ashamed and disappointed. I just feel so weak.

 

Today has been the hardest day so far and its only the 5th day of NC, Please tell me it will get easier? Its one of the hardest things i have ever had to go through. i know you are right about my emotional investment being a lot deeper than his. It hurts so bad. I wish he loved me.

 

I wish I hadnt begged and pleaded and acted crazy.

 

If I had walked away gracefully then I know I wouldnt be feeling as horrible as I do now

 

It's okay to feel weak. It's still fresh and raw for you.

 

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. NC is a difficult process. It's like breaking an addiction, detoxing. Getting over the withdrawals is going to take some time. Hopefully in a few weeks it will start to mellow down as you start really accepting the end of this. Right now you're still bouncing around with various emotions.

 

H, stop beating yourself up about how you acted. It's done. It's over. You can't undo that. I bet you he's not even thinking of that anymore or viewing you in a negative manner because if he did, he would not have reached out to you. He understands you were driven by panic and pain.

 

Even if you walked away gracefully, I don't believe the hurt and confusion would be any less than what you feel now. You'd find some other way to beat yourself up.

[Treasa]

Oh darling. I wish I had seen this thread earlier, although you've gotten terrific advice from others.

 

Four years ago I was in the same position as you, except that my ex and I had been together for six years, and it was our sixth breakup. Honey, you haven't seen pathetic until you've seen a girl try to get a guy back six times.

 

I got to the point (actually, it will be four years ago tomorrow, because I remember it was the summer solstice) where I finally begged and pleaded to get him back after about seven weeks of beating around the bush and staying in contact and staying friendly.

 

And then, on that day four years ago tomorrow, he sent me this long email that, in hindsight, was all about him and is really quite funny and dreadful, because he was a complete and utter tool. But oh my God, I was in LOVE, and he was amazing, and I couldn't bear to think about him with any other girl.

 

After that long message, I asked if we couldn't please try again, and he finally said something that snapped me out of my begging. He wrote, "I'm not certain if the feelings I had for you are still there. I know I miss having a girlfriend, but I'm not certain that you're the one I want, as hurtful as that is."

 

Holy crap, you wouldn't even believe how fast my pride snapped up and said, "Oh, you did NOT just say that to me" and basically took me over. I went all icy inside, because this was a guy who NEVER got looked at by girls, had only had two girlfriends before me, had been dumped by both of them, and was still a virgin at 25 before I met him. I was completely out of his league. And although I knew that, the anxiety and insecurity drove me to get him back....right up until that last email.

 

I didn't respond to him after that. Four days later he signed up for FB after years of telling me he never would. Seeing his name all of a sudden pop up made my heart hammer almost out of my chest. I breathed and calmed myself, and then a few hours later I blocked him. He also sent me an email, sort of like yours did, and I responded in a sort of polite/curt way, and that was it.

 

I won't lie...that week was hard. I was torn between wanting him to contact me back and want me back, and wanting to kick his nuts up into his throat for being stupid enough to let me go.

 

I came to this site, where I came EVERY time we had broken up, and people were kind. Firm, but kind. LOL

 

I used the time to myself to read books like you're reading. I spent a lot of time thinking about why I felt the way I did about myself, and why I had wanted someone so much who wasn't smart enough to want me anymore. I let myself feel the pain, feel the anger, and realize that it would pass.

 

And it did. Surprisingly quickly, actually. Ten days after that final email, and seven or eight weeks after the breakup, I was laughing, making fun of him to my friends and close family who I had sought support from, etc. No one liked him, and they were really happy to see me in my anger phase. Actually, I went through the anger phase THREE TIMES, it was that much fun. For me, it was my healing. It burned away all the pathetic thoughts I had about myself. I realized how strong and talented and awesome I was, and how pathetic and weak he was, and I realized that I could control my actions and how I thought about things.

 

It took a while, but you CAN retrain yourself how to think and look at things. Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% what you do about it.

 

You sound like a lovely, bright, wonderful person. Be thankful for that, and go out and smile and make some new friends. Your ex might get another girlfriend. They may stay together, they may break up. Who knows? Maybe he'll never find someone that makes him happy that he stays with. It doesn't matter. What's more likely is that YOU will find someone else and be happy, and you'll look back on this and laugh.

 

You've written a few things that have made me smile and think, "Yeah, she's going to be ok."

 

It's really hard right now, but I promise that you WILL get through this and be happy again. You are stronger than you think.

[Treasa]

Oh, psst, here is my thread from four years ago. I don't even remember feeling that way. I am such a different person now.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/235592-hurting-really-badly-need-support

[Elle1975]

I'm glad I admitted that, i didnt want to because I feel ashamed and disappointed. I just feel so weak.

 

Today has been the hardest day so far and its only the 5th day of NC, Please tell me it will get easier? Its one of the hardest things i have ever had to go through. i know you are right about my emotional investment being a lot deeper than his. It hurts so bad. I wish he loved me.

 

I wish I hadnt begged and pleaded and acted crazy.

 

If I had walked away gracefully then I know I wouldnt be feeling as horrible as I do now

 

You know if he really wants to contact you, I'm sure he knows where you live.

 

And you are now walking away gracefully.

[Treasa]

ETA: Oh, wait, I do recall him being a toolbag back at that time, too. That thought never changed. He was a loser, and I'm with someone incredible now.

 

And also, now that I think back, I had to DECIDE that I didn't want to be with him anymore. That's pretty much what happened when my pride took over. Nothing external changed, but my thoughts did.

 

Just so you can see my progress, this is what I posted less than a month and a half after that last email exchange:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/240730-my-ex-wasn-t-all-neither-yours

Edited June 20, 2014 by Treasa

[ponchsox]

I wish I could, I really do wish I had more faith

 

I will be praying for you that you will. Pray yourself and listen to him. He will touch your heart in a way so spectacular it's amazing the power of his love and grace. Through faith you will receive his blessings which are better than any thing this world can give you.

[emotionalMess]

Hell yes block him now - Here is why.

 

I had 2 FB accounts

Account #1 Facebook Friends with ex

Account #2 Not Facebook Friends with ex

 

I got dumped, she had another waiting in the wings and she unfriended and blocked me on FB#1. We went from daily/nightly almost hourly contact on FB#1 to an occasional text or call to see if I was ok.

 

I then refused friendship several times and went NC and eventually I blocked her on FB#2, my phone and text.

 

I missed her a lot so after like 2 months I gave in told her that I am not blocking anything anymore and I would like to start fresh as friends like she always wanted (biggest mistake ever).

 

I sent 3 messages from FB#2 and she ignored them. After the 3rd message she blocked me on FB#2.

 

I was so hurt and freaked out a bit. I would never ignore anyone who tried to extend their hand in friendship. At least say no thanks right? I just had to tell her how hurtful it was. So I created another account and sent a pretty pathetic message from another account letting her know how lonely I was since the break. I never felt so low and confused. Her blocking and ignoring took me to the depths of a borderline stalker - I will never live that down

and feel pretty ashamed for doing it. I just had to tell her how wrong I thought she behaved because I was there for her every night

when she was at her low points and she was not the person I thought she was. In hind-sight, she probably has an even newer bf and does not want me to get further hurt, who knows, none of my business anymore.

 

Just by having Facebook allowed me to check her profile sometimes. It was always torture when I did. Even though I could only see her profile pic, and main page it was torture.

 

After she blocked me I decided to delete all Facebook accounts otherwise I would check daily to see if she unblocked me.

I will never know if she did or not or if she ever intended to. I vanished off the Facebook universe.

 

The point is, I think if you block him, he will freak out and his mind will play tricks on him (oh no, does she have a bf already? ect). I know it is not about him but I'm just telling you what the outcome may be.

 

Like someone else said, if someone really loves you, they will find a way to get in contact with you. Nothing will stop them so don't worry about that.

 

Blocking him does not show you are bitter, it moreso show that you don't care and you don't want him to have any access to you.

[emeryentropy]

There's a saying that whoever cares less has more power. The truth is that you seem to care more and are powerless in this situation, but in the end you are more emotionally invested than he probably is, and if he wanted it to work he would help make it work.

Ignoring people is not how you make things work, and even if it is some temporary tactic, at some point he will meet somebody who he really cares about that cares about him less and realize what a mistake it was to let you go.

[Heartbroken_84]

It's okay to feel weak. It's still fresh and raw for you.

 

I wish I could tell you that it gets easier. NC is a difficult process. It's like breaking an addiction, detoxing. Getting over the withdrawals is going to take some time. Hopefully in a few weeks it will start to mellow down as you start really accepting the end of this. Right now you're still bouncing around with various emotions.

 

H, stop beating yourself up about how you acted. It's done. It's over. You can't undo that. I bet you he's not even thinking of that anymore or viewing you in a negative manner because if he did, he would not have reached out to you. He understands you were driven by panic and pain.

 

Even if you walked away gracefully, I don't believe the hurt and confusion would be any less than what you feel now. You'd find some other way to beat yourself up.

 

Thanks Zahara, that really does make sense, I probably still would be hard on myself and blaming myself for the other things that went wrong, even the things from his part.

 

My mum said the same as you, she said I need to forgive myself because its the only way I will be able to allow myself to move forward.

 

I actually woke up this morning and felt like I was having an anxiety attack like you described in your other post, it was horrible! I am proud of myself though for not replying back to his message and for not even wanting to. Its not an option for me

[EvelyneConnor]

Since we have only your words to go on, that's what we have to work with. But it sounds to me that you are a passionate woman... But you also need to deal with the issues that make you react in such a way. Getting drunk and sending 200 texts a day for three days is not something anyone should be doing - both for their own sake and the sake of the person they're sending those messages to.

Read about meditation or anger/stress management - and not some silly online lists or anything like that, but proper books by reputable authors. Read them, and try to adapt your life accordingly.

[Heartbroken_84]

Oh darling. I wish I had seen this thread earlier, although you've gotten terrific advice from others.

 

Four years ago I was in the same position as you, except that my ex and I had been together for six years, and it was our sixth breakup. Honey, you haven't seen pathetic until you've seen a girl try to get a guy back six times.

 

I got to the point (actually, it will be four years ago tomorrow, because I remember it was the summer solstice) where I finally begged and pleaded to get him back after about seven weeks of beating around the bush and staying in contact and staying friendly.

 

And then, on that day four years ago tomorrow, he sent me this long email that, in hindsight, was all about him and is really quite funny and dreadful, because he was a complete and utter tool. But oh my God, I was in LOVE, and he was amazing, and I couldn't bear to think about him with any other girl.

 

After that long message, I asked if we couldn't please try again, and he finally said something that snapped me out of my begging. He wrote, "I'm not certain if the feelings I had for you are still there. I know I miss having a girlfriend, but I'm not certain that you're the one I want, as hurtful as that is."

 

Holy crap, you wouldn't even believe how fast my pride snapped up and said, "Oh, you did NOT just say that to me" and basically took me over. I went all icy inside, because this was a guy who NEVER got looked at by girls, had only had two girlfriends before me, had been dumped by both of them, and was still a virgin at 25 before I met him. I was completely out of his league. And although I knew that, the anxiety and insecurity drove me to get him back....right up until that last email.

 

I didn't respond to him after that. Four days later he signed up for FB after years of telling me he never would. Seeing his name all of a sudden pop up made my heart hammer almost out of my chest. I breathed and calmed myself, and then a few hours later I blocked him. He also sent me an email, sort of like yours did, and I responded in a sort of polite/curt way, and that was it.

 

I won't lie...that week was hard. I was torn between wanting him to contact me back and want me back, and wanting to kick his nuts up into his throat for being stupid enough to let me go.

 

I came to this site, where I came EVERY time we had broken up, and people were kind. Firm, but kind. LOL

 

I used the time to myself to read books like you're reading. I spent a lot of time thinking about why I felt the way I did about myself, and why I had wanted someone so much who wasn't smart enough to want me anymore. I let myself feel the pain, feel the anger, and realize that it would pass.

 

And it did. Surprisingly quickly, actually. Ten days after that final email, and seven or eight weeks after the breakup, I was laughing, making fun of him to my friends and close family who I had sought support from, etc. No one liked him, and they were really happy to see me in my anger phase. Actually, I went through the anger phase THREE TIMES, it was that much fun. For me, it was my healing. It burned away all the pathetic thoughts I had about myself. I realized how strong and talented and awesome I was, and how pathetic and weak he was, and I realized that I could control my actions and how I thought about things.

 

It took a while, but you CAN retrain yourself how to think and look at things. Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% what you do about it.

 

You sound like a lovely, bright, wonderful person. Be thankful for that, and go out and smile and make some new friends. Your ex might get another girlfriend. They may stay together, they may break up. Who knows? Maybe he'll never find someone that makes him happy that he stays with. It doesn't matter. What's more likely is that YOU will find someone else and be happy, and you'll look back on this and laugh.

 

You've written a few things that have made me smile and think, "Yeah, she's going to be ok."

 

It's really hard right now, but I promise that you WILL get through this and be happy again. You are stronger than you think.

 

Hi Treasa its so nice to hear from you, thanks for your post

 

I'm sorry that you went through that, you sound like such a strong person now though coming through the other end.

 

I wish my pride had snapped into place when he told me his feelings had changed!! Eugh I just kept going ON and ON, shame on me!! Well done you for not degrading yourself.

 

Yeah I can completely relate to the anger you were feeling, thats where I'm at just now. Full of rage that he could actually let me go! He chased me so much at the beginning, the effort he went to omg!

 

I do want to mention though that I think things changed a lot after the first year or so. My mum basically found out she had cancer and that was really difficult to deal with. My ex before this currrent one had called me a few times and wanted to stay in contact, and even though I wouldnt answer or speak to him it really angered my current ex and annoyed him. He said that he shouldnt be contacting me as I have a bf now, which even though on my part there was no feelings for my past ex except the fact I had been friends with him for SEVEN years I understood. So I told my past ex not to contact me because my current ex didnt feel comfortable with it.

 

Anyway i made a HUGE mistake. When I found out that my mum had cancer i was distraught and just found it so hard to deal with, I wasnt thinking straight and I asked my current ex if he would mind if i called my past ex. Now honestly it was purely from a friends point of view because I had been friends with him for 7 years before I went out with him and could talk to him about anything. I know it was wrong now I shouldnt have asked especially when I knew he didnt like him calling me and I regret it because it really hurt his feelings, i made a mistake. I apologised but of course he was livid and so insulted and didnt speak to me or forgive me for about a month. It was horrible. And even when we did patch up things I dont think he ever truly let it go because everything changed after that, the way he treated me, his affection towards me etc. It wouldnt matter how nice I was to him or how much love and affection I showed him, he wasnt the same with me after that and I'm only just realising this now.

 

I am starting to reflect a lot on the relationship and I realise that even though I made some mistakes I'm only human and I really did love him. I would never have intentionally tried to hurt him ever.

[Heartbroken_84]

Oh, psst, here is my thread from four years ago. I don't even remember feeling that way. I am such a different person now.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/235592-hurting-really-badly-need-support

 

Thanks Treasa I will have a read! x

[Heartbroken_84]

You know if he really wants to contact you, I'm sure he knows where you live.

 

And you are now walking away gracefully.

 

Thanks Elle, that makes me feel so much better. (The bit you said about me now walking away gracefully) I hope so! I really am trying!

[Heartbroken_84]

ETA: Oh, wait, I do recall him being a toolbag back at that time, too. That thought never changed. He was a loser, and I'm with someone incredible now.

 

And also, now that I think back, I had to DECIDE that I didn't want to be with him anymore. That's pretty much what happened when my pride took over. Nothing external changed, but my thoughts did.

 

Just so you can see my progress, this is what I posted less than a month and a half after that last email exchange:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/240730-my-ex-wasn-t-all-neither-yours

 

I can't wait to read this!!! This is exactly what I should be thinking because in all honesty my ex isnt all that, certainly not as amazing as I've made him out to be in my own head. I definitely think I put him on a pedestal becasue he has a lot of friends and is popular so maybe I envied that and thought everyone loves him he must be so amazing. Thats my mums theory and I think it is very accurate! He's always had this power over me, always.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hell yes block him now - Here is why.

 

I had 2 FB accounts

Account #1 Facebook Friends with ex

Account #2 Not Facebook Friends with ex

 

I got dumped, she had another waiting in the wings and she unfriended and blocked me on FB#1. We went from daily/nightly almost hourly contact on FB#1 to an occasional text or call to see if I was ok.

 

I then refused friendship several times and went NC and eventually I blocked her on FB#2, my phone and text.

 

I missed her a lot so after like 2 months I gave in told her that I am not blocking anything anymore and I would like to start fresh as friends like she always wanted (biggest mistake ever).

 

I sent 3 messages from FB#2 and she ignored them. After the 3rd message she blocked me on FB#2.

 

I was so hurt and freaked out a bit. I would never ignore anyone who tried to extend their hand in friendship. At least say no thanks right? I just had to tell her how hurtful it was. So I created another account and sent a pretty pathetic message from another account letting her know how lonely I was since the break. I never felt so low and confused. Her blocking and ignoring took me to the depths of a borderline stalker - I will never live that down

and feel pretty ashamed for doing it. I just had to tell her how wrong I thought she behaved because I was there for her every night

when she was at her low points and she was not the person I thought she was. In hind-sight, she probably has an even newer bf and does not want me to get further hurt, who knows, none of my business anymore.

 

Just by having Facebook allowed me to check her profile sometimes. It was always torture when I did. Even though I could only see her profile pic, and main page it was torture.

 

After she blocked me I decided to delete all Facebook accounts otherwise I would check daily to see if she unblocked me.

I will never know if she did or not or if she ever intended to. I vanished off the Facebook universe.

 

The point is, I think if you block him, he will freak out and his mind will play tricks on him (oh no, does she have a bf already? ect). I know it is not about him but I'm just telling you what the outcome may be.

 

Like someone else said, if someone really loves you, they will find a way to get in contact with you. Nothing will stop them so don't worry about that.

 

Blocking him does not show you are bitter, it moreso show that you don't care and you don't want him to have any access to you.

 

Hiya EM thanks for your message. I do understand what you're saying, thanks for sharing your story. If i'm honest I dont think me blocking him will bother him at all because he is way past that stage of caring now, he thinks he made the right decision so thats fine. I think if I block him I need to do it for me so I dont still have him in the back of my mind when I'm on facebook.

 

I am really going to try to build up the courage and strength to block him, I dont know if i'm even ready to do it yet but thats not to say that I dont want to. Its the last means of him contacting me. I am moving in a month so he wont know where I live. I think I just kept thinking that if i can delete him without having to block him it shows how strong I am, but maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way??