! Lost all dignity and self respect

[Zahara]

Another thing to add -- reacting this way when your emotions are high could possibly evoke a repeat of what you did before.

 

A non-response or even a lack lustre one may feed into your insecurities again and cause you to again want to push for the response you were hoping for because you so desire validation and acceptance.

 

I would caution you that making these types of decisions in terms of breaking contact and trying to repair what was may just backfire and get you back to square one or possibly worse.

[Heartbroken_84]

I'm well aware it's tough and you will be OK. But you will not be OK if you give in to your self-destructive impulses. We all have had them during the breakup. And I only remind you of what you did before so you don't do it again and any contact right now will be you doing it again. You have plenty of people giving you positive encouragement in this thread and while I'm not being negative, I am being honest. And honestly, if you really want to apologize, leaving your ex alone will be more of an apology than actually verbalizing it to him. Anything you say right now will be regarded as crazy to him, so it's best to say nothing.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm just trying to keep it real and give you concrete reasons why contacting him to apologize is a bad idea. I'll leave it to others to give you sunshine, rainbows, and candy.

 

I appreciate that, thank you i'm just feeling extra sensitive just now! I wont contact him, I wont cave!

[Heartbroken_84]

Another thing to add -- reacting this way when your emotions are high could possibly evoke a repeat of what you did before.

 

A non-response or even a lack lustre one may feed into your insecurities again and cause you to again want to push for the response you were hoping for because you so desire validation and acceptance.

 

I would caution you that making these types of decisions in terms of breaking contact and trying to repair what was may just backfire and get you back to square one or possibly worse.

 

Thats true Zahara, its completely true. I wont break NC as much as I may want to I wont.

[KS11]

Hi Heartbroken,

 

I know how much you're hurting at the moment and how badly you want to reach out, but take it from someone who has fallen in to the trap many times, including the weekend just gone..it truly makes things worse.

 

As you know before the weekend, I had been nc for 5 days following my ex ending things with me. She sent me a message on Saturday night, which I told myself i'd ignore. But, stupidly I caved the next day and repeated the same pattern of getting burned again. She had sent the message drunk, as suspected, regretted and said it won't happen again.

 

Of course, the moment I felt my phone vibrate and saw her number I immediately thought she's made a mistake, she must want me back. However, of course that wasn't case and I made myself go through hearing her tell me it can never work again. Followed by me sending more questions, literally just trying anything to make her change mind.

 

It really is true, you will never be able to satisfy all the questions you have in your head, the more you try..the more you have. I can't say I totally regret breaking nc this time though. I think it's saved me a lot of denial, wondering when the next text would come. I know now, it won't ever happen again and can do nothing but accept it. It completely breaks my heart.

 

I took a positive step today, managed to book a session with a counsellor for tomorrow, which I'm hoping may be of some help. Must admit though, I feel like i'm going to get laughed at! I'm sure she's used to helping people with much bigger problems!

 

Not sure if you've looked in to counselling yourself..but might be worth a try?

[Heartbroken_84]

Hi Heartbroken,

 

I know how much you're hurting at the moment and how badly you want to reach out, but take it from someone who has fallen in to the trap many times, including the weekend just gone..it truly makes things worse.

 

As you know before the weekend, I had been nc for 5 days following my ex ending things with me. She sent me a message on Saturday night, which I told myself i'd ignore. But, stupidly I caved the next day and repeated the same pattern of getting burned again. She had sent the message drunk, as suspected, regretted and said it won't happen again.

 

Of course, the moment I felt my phone vibrate and saw her number I immediately thought she's made a mistake, she must want me back. However, of course that wasn't case and I made myself go through hearing her tell me it can never work again. Followed by me sending more questions, literally just trying anything to make her change mind.

 

It really is true, you will never be able to satisfy all the questions you have in your head, the more you try..the more you have. I can't say I totally regret breaking nc this time though. I think it's saved me a lot of denial, wondering when the next text would come. I know now, it won't ever happen again and can do nothing but accept it. It completely breaks my heart.

 

I took a positive step today, managed to book a session with a counsellor for tomorrow, which I'm hoping may be of some help. Must admit though, I feel like i'm going to get laughed at! I'm sure she's used to helping people with much bigger problems!

 

Not sure if you've looked in to counselling yourself..but might be worth a try?

 

Hi KS, oh no why did you break NC! I hope your okay, it must be so difficult. See this is why I am too scared to break NC because i know I wont get the response I am looking for, it will just cause me more heartache and pain.

 

Yeah once my exam is done next monday I am going to see about booking an appointment with someone. I think I definitely have issues I need to talk through. Dont be silly, you will definitely not get laughed at, she'he is not there to judge but to listen!

 

I received the book 'getting past your breakup' in the post today so i'm going to start reading that and hopefully that will help.

 

I saw my ex in someone's photo on facebook earlier and wasnt expecting it at all because I deleted his friends and sister so i didnt think this would happen. Seeing him in that picture was so traumatic for me honestly it was such an ordeal, I couldnt stop crying. I'm so mentally exhausted and drained from it. All i could think when i looked at the picture was how much I miss him and love him. Eugh sick!!!!!!!

[BC1980]

Another thing to add -- reacting this way when your emotions are high could possibly evoke a repeat of what you did before.

 

A non-response or even a lack lustre one may feed into your insecurities again and cause you to again want to push for the response you were hoping for because you so desire validation and acceptance.

 

I would caution you that making these types of decisions in terms of breaking contact and trying to repair what was may just backfire and get you back to square one or possibly worse.

 

Often times, we want to contact someone because of a perceived response. We think we can manipulate the outcome, but what if he doesn't even respond? How wound you feel then? What if he blocks you, only gives a one word response? You have to factor that type of thing in when you get the urge to contact. I wrote a two page email to my ex after our breakup, pouring my heart out. Do you know what I got in response. One sentence, "Thank you for these thoughts." It was humiliating to be honest, and I never thought he would respond that way. I had imagined something entirely different.

 

The risk of contacting is too great given the likely outcome.

[Heartbroken_84]

Often times, we want to contact someone because of a perceived response. We think we can manipulate the outcome, but what if he doesn't even respond? How wound you feel then? What if he blocks you, only gives a one word response? You have to factor that type of thing in when you get the urge to contact. I wrote a two page email to my ex after our breakup, pouring my heart out. Do you know what I got in response. One sentence, "Thank you for these thoughts." It was humiliating to be honest, and I never thought he would respond that way. I had imagined something entirely different.

 

The risk of contacting is too great given the likely outcome.

 

Yeah that would only make me feel 100 times worse so I know I cant contact him. And Simon was alos right, leaving him alone is probably the best way to apologise. i've realised though that I seriously need to stop beating myself up for the way I behaved because he is also at fault here and before he broke up with me I wasnt truly happy, no matter how much I do love him.

 

He couldnt deal with conflict and would be so cold and mean towards me whenever we had an argument. He wasnt emotionally available, how could I have gone through life feeling like my love wasnt reciprocated. I dont think I could have

[emotionalMess]

Bottom line is if the Dumper really loved you, they would not have dumped you. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't really care about you?

 

You cant make them love you.

When you are in the shock stage you may think so but nope, their mind is already made up.

 

 

There is someone out who will love you but you have to get over this mistake. Yes, consider the dumper a mistake. Good mistake for a while maybe but nevertheless a mistake. Soon you will see or remember his flaws. This signifies you are forging ahead and taking him off the pedestal.

 

You are not an option. You are unique, everyone is. Nobody is perfect, the dumper is not perfect. The only thing we all have in common is imperfection.

 

Love yourself and accept your imperfections, you will move on once you do this.

[emotionalMess]

Use this and Grieve for a few min. Then get back to studies.

 

So let it hurt, let it bleed

Let it take you right down to your knees

Let it burn to the worst degree

May not be what you want, but it's what you need

Sometimes the only way around it

Is to let love do it's work

And let it hurt

Yeah, let it hurt

 

[Heartbroken_84]

Use this and Grieve for a few min. Then get back to studies.

 

So let it hurt, let it bleed

Let it take you right down to your knees

Let it burn to the worst degree

May not be what you want, but it's what you need

Sometimes the only way around it

Is to let love do it's work

And let it hurt

Yeah, let it hurt

 

 

Hey EM, thanks for that. I have had a really bad day. Cried so much, felt so anxious. Kept thinking about him constantly. I dont know when i'm gona get past the shock/denial stage??? Every day I miss him more and wana contact him but I know I cant. Its agonizing.

 

I cant believe he chose to live his life without me. How is he so strong. I want to be strong

[lovebug_5858]

I did this before as well, don't feel so terrible you are only human.

Just learn from your mistakes, and as much as it hurts to hear now, you HAVE to let go and focus on making yourself wholesome again. Surely, you don't want to endure this pain again if another relationship doesn't work out.

 

Happiness comes from within, when you are happy in a relationship, those are YOUR feelings that you feel. Allow yourself to be this way-- without him.

 

I have been that crazy girl before because I do love him, and care so deeply for what we once had. but that is over now,

After crying and breaking down via phone, I called my ex and apologized for the way I acted and told him that I will be okay (and hung up). I'm on Day 14 now and yes, it is hard, and no it does not get easier, it gets harder BEFORE it gets easier.

But I keep going because of the reward at the end, being happy with your self before inviting anyone else in.

 

When you feel strong enough, and be honest with yourself...

You can call to say your goodbye and leave it at that.

[emotionalMess]

Oops I sent the wrong link. Here is the correct one.

 

It's ok to grieve. Its healthy.

I'm pulling for you HB84!

 

 

So let it hurt, let it bleed

Let it take you right down to your knees

Let it burn to the worst degree

May not be what you want, but it's what you need

Sometimes the only way around it

Is to let love do it's work

And let it hurt

Yeah, let it hurt

 

 

[emotionalMess]

Same happened to me. It can get worse. Get off of Facebook for now.

 

The only message you should ever respond to if any is something like this:

I realize that I made the biggest mistake in my life by letting you go and will spend the rest of my days on this earth:lmao: trying to rebuild the trust you lost in me. Please forgive me.

 

 

Hi KS, oh no why did you break NC! I hope your okay, it must be so difficult. See this is why I am too scared to break NC because i know I wont get the response I am looking for, it will just cause me more heartache and pain.

 

Yeah once my exam is done next monday I am going to see about booking an appointment with someone. I think I definitely have issues I need to talk through. Dont be silly, you will definitely not get laughed at, she'he is not there to judge but to listen!

 

I received the book 'getting past your breakup' in the post today so i'm going to start reading that and hopefully that will help.

 

I saw my ex in someone's photo on facebook earlier and wasnt expecting it at all because I deleted his friends and sister so i didnt think this would happen. Seeing him in that picture was so traumatic for me honestly it was such an ordeal, I couldnt stop crying. I'm so mentally exhausted and drained from it. All i could think when i looked at the picture was how much I miss him and love him. Eugh sick!!!!!!!

[Heartbroken_84]

I did this before as well, don't feel so terrible you are only human.

Just learn from your mistakes, and as much as it hurts to hear now, you HAVE to let go and focus on making yourself wholesome again. Surely, you don't want to endure this pain again if another relationship doesn't work out.

 

Happiness comes from within, when you are happy in a relationship, those are YOUR feelings that you feel. Allow yourself to be this way-- without him.

 

I have been that crazy girl before because I do love him, and care so deeply for what we once had. but that is over now,

After crying and breaking down via phone, I called my ex and apologized for the way I acted and told him that I will be okay (and hung up). I'm on Day 14 now and yes, it is hard, and no it does not get easier, it gets harder BEFORE it gets easier.

But I keep going because of the reward at the end, being happy with your self before inviting anyone else in.

 

When you feel strong enough, and be honest with yourself...

You can call to say your goodbye and leave it at that.

 

Hi LB, so basically i should have apologised for my crazy behaviour?? I thought best thing to do was leave him alone and not say anything. I think the longer i do NC too that the more i wont want to get in touch or apologize because I just wont see the point. The last few days I have been wanting so badly to message him and apologize etc but everyone's advice has been not to that it will just make matters worse.

 

Despite my crazy behaviour I have a lot of anger in me towards him for the way he hurt me and for him wanting to give up on me and us. I hate the fact that he decided a long time ago but acted completely fine when he was with me a few weeks ago. He messed my head up, made me believe that we were back together. I know I still shouldnt have acted the way I did though, but I'm hoping leaving him alone now is helping me regain my dignity and self-respect. Even just a little.

 

Im struggling with the guilt a lot. On the night I sent him the hateful messages such as 'i hate you' 'i never want to see you again' was the same night he got his results and found out he got a distinction. It was a milestone in his life that was ruined by my drama. That makes me feel so **** about myself. When did I turn into that person. I dont know but it was horrible and selfish.

 

How will i get over the guilt?? He made mistakes too but for some reason all I can think about is my own mistakes and that I'm too blame for the breakup and the mess. My behaviour only reinforced his decision to end it even more. That is what you call serious stupidity on my part.

 

Well done on being on Day 14 of NC

[Heartbroken_84]

Same happened to me. It can get worse. Get off of Facebook for now.

 

The only message you should ever respond to if any is something like this:

I realize that I made the biggest mistake in my life by letting you go and will spend the rest of my days on this earth:lmao: trying to rebuild the trust you lost in me. Please forgive me.

 

I can guarantee you that I will NEVER get that message. EVER. Each day passes and I feel more and more guity and anxious about how I acted. The selfishness and crazyness of it. I would do anything to turn back time and change how I behaved!!!!!!!!!! He will always remember me as the person that ruined the weekend he got his results and should have been happy celebrating. I hate that I did that. He told me everything was 'drama' I am cringing at myself because I proved him right.

[emotionalMess]

Hey, that was you then.

That is not you today right?

 

You are a passionate person, he lost a good one

[emotionalMess]

The Sun will rise to better days!!

 

[emotionalMess]

I remember my ex went crazy on me when I asked for space.

Oh I got my space and got dumped.

 

I then soon realized what I lost and here I am today.

 

When I look back, the craziness she displayed was a reflection of her

strong feelings for me. Soon after, I was dying inside missing everything about

her especially the vulnerable craziness.

[mangetout]

Hi Heartbroken. You are going to be in pain for a while.... stay as strong as possible. I know how much this hurts.

 

 

But just want to say. If you know your ex really loved you then no he is not strong. No he is not happy. He is struggling.

 

 

The mere fact that he sent you that message on whatsapp recently shows that he still cares. He must be wondering if you are okay. Maybe this little thought eases your pain slightly.

 

 

Anything to get through this initial anguish.

[BC1980]

I can guarantee you that I will NEVER get that message. EVER. Each day passes and I feel more and more guity and anxious about how I acted. The selfishness and crazyness of it. I would do anything to turn back time and change how I behaved!!!!!!!!!! He will always remember me as the person that ruined the weekend he got his results and should have been happy celebrating. I hate that I did that. He told me everything was 'drama' I am cringing at myself because I proved him right.

 

What you did really isn't that out of the norm for a breakup. Many people have done far more extreme things than sending texts and saying they hated their ex. Resist the urge to apologize. You will likely regret it months later if you do apologize for acting like a normal, heartbroken human being. One of the last things I told my ex wax that we were cool, and I forgave him. I really wish I hadn't done that because I realized that it wasn't exactly true months down the line.

 

So maybe now he thinks he's forgiven? He can go about his life okay? I don't know, and I don't care much anymore. However, I still wish I hadn't given him even that token of peace. If anything, NC allowed me to reflect and see things in a different way. I ultimately don't think he deserves forgiveness from me at this point, but I didn't see that when I was right in the middle of it all.

[Heartbroken_84]

What you did really isn't that out of the norm for a breakup. Many people have done far more extreme things than sending texts and saying they hated their ex. Resist the urge to apologize. You will likely regret it months later if you do apologize for acting like a normal, heartbroken human being. One of the last things I told my ex wax that we were cool, and I forgave him. I really wish I hadn't done that because I realized that it wasn't exactly true months down the line.

 

So maybe now he thinks he's forgiven? He can go about his life okay? I don't know, and I don't care much anymore. However, I still wish I hadn't given him even that token of peace. If anything, NC allowed me to reflect and see things in a different way. I ultimately don't think he deserves forgiveness from me at this point, but I didn't see that when I was right in the middle of it all.

 

Hi BC, i read your post and it makes complete sense. There is nothing to be gained from apologising, plus he is the one that hurt me and gave up on us. I'm not apologising for anything, it doesnt take a genius to figure out it was a bad reaction to the break-up desite how mental I went. I dont care, i've been reading people's posts and speaking to my sister and friends and obviously they will be bias and be on my side but I know that one thing they said is true. He gave up on us, i tried. He might say he did, but he didnt. he checked out a long time ago and that wasnt my fault. He just couldnt handle me and my emotions, he couldnt deal with conflict. Didnt have a clue how to calm a situation down, he would punish me and just make it wose. I would be the bad guy. I overlooked his flaws and shame on me for doing that. I'm a fool, but I loved him.

 

I want a man, not a boy. A man who isnt afraid of emotion, who knows how to show a girl love and affection, who doesnt mind making their gf a priority. Sorry for the rant here, i'm just putting all my thoughts and feelings down here. He did 2 degrees though, so even though he was a 'mature student' he still had that young mentality where he didnt want to commit. Yes he stayed faithful but he shouldnt get any brownie points for that. He liked being with me when it suited him, when he needed attention and affection, but was it 2 sided?? Hardly ever. Always me giving and him taking. I'm realising a lot today about the way he was towards me, and it just goes to show me that he might have physically been in the relationship, but he checked out emotionally and mentally a long time ago.

 

Its a pity I didnt think I deserved better ages ago and walked away myself. Its a pity I put him on a pedestal when really i am out his league and he was lucky to be with me. I know that sounds mean, but its true. I was this confident happy bubbly girl when he met me, its when the arguments started that he made me feel so crap about myself that I realise now I started losing my self-esteem and self-worth gradually.

 

I think he's a fool for letting me go.

[lovebug_5858]

Hi LB, so basically i should have apologised for my crazy behaviour?? I thought best thing to do was leave him alone and not say anything. I think the longer i do NC too that the more i wont want to get in touch or apologize because I just wont see the point. The last few days I have been wanting so badly to message him and apologize etc but everyone's advice has been not to that it will just make matters worse.

 

Despite my crazy behaviour I have a lot of anger in me towards him for the way he hurt me and for him wanting to give up on me and us. I hate the fact that he decided a long time ago but acted completely fine when he was with me a few weeks ago. He messed my head up, made me believe that we were back together. I know I still shouldnt have acted the way I did though, but I'm hoping leaving him alone now is helping me regain my dignity and self-respect. Even just a little.

 

Im struggling with the guilt a lot. On the night I sent him the hateful messages such as 'i hate you' 'i never want to see you again' was the same night he got his results and found out he got a distinction. It was a milestone in his life that was ruined by my drama. That makes me feel so **** about myself. When did I turn into that person. I dont know but it was horrible and selfish.

 

How will i get over the guilt?? He made mistakes too but for some reason all I can think about is my own mistakes and that I'm too blame for the breakup and the mess. My behaviour only reinforced his decision to end it even more. That is what you call serious stupidity on my part.

 

Well done on being on Day 14 of NC

That's what I did and it gave me at least some sort of closure. Im not suggesting sitting on the phone bawling about how sorry you are, although that it what we would WANT to do most times. I simply called and very politely said I did not intend to get that emotional, sorry if I made you uncomfortable I was just very surprised. Please do not think you have made me sad or depressed, I am just upset with the situation. And ended the call.

When a relationship ends, we put it on a pedestal and look at things in rose colored glasses. Let it go and live, accept its over and that your life will go on. It doesn't end here.

 

And believe me I know what you're talking about when you say that you are upset with him acting the way he did (as if you were together) and then ending it.

The day before I called my ex, I had just come back from being with him for 5 days. We did everything together, wake up, go out, brush our teeth, we were also intimate. I told myself not to get attached but it was impossible...

It was very much so possible for him.

But its okay. Just let it go. That's all we can do at this point. Don't think about it too much, and eventually you wont think of it at all.

[BC1980]

That's what I did and it gave me at least some sort of closure. Im not suggesting sitting on the phone bawling about how sorry you are, although that it what we would WANT to do most times. I simply called and very politely said I did not intend to get that emotional, sorry if I made you uncomfortable I was just very surprised. Please do not think you have made me sad or depressed, I am just upset with the situation. And ended the call.

When a relationship ends, we put it on a pedestal and look at things in rose colored glasses. Let it go and live, accept its over and that your life will go on. It doesn't end here.

 

And believe me I know what you're talking about when you say that you are upset with him acting the way he did (as if you were together) and then ending it.

The day before I called my ex, I had just come back from being with him for 5 days. We did everything together, wake up, go out, brush our teeth, we were also intimate. I told myself not to get attached but it was impossible...

It was very much so possible for him.

But its okay. Just let it go. That's all we can do at this point. Don't think about it too much, and eventually you wont think of it at all.

 

It doesn't seem like you have anything to apologize for. I don't think you owe anyone an apology for getting emotional after a breakup. That's normal.

[BC1980]

Hi BC, i read your post and it makes complete sense. There is nothing to be gained from apologising, plus he is the one that hurt me and gave up on us. I'm not apologising for anything, it doesnt take a genius to figure out it was a bad reaction to the break-up desite how mental I went. I dont care, i've been reading people's posts and speaking to my sister and friends and obviously they will be bias and be on my side but I know that one thing they said is true. He gave up on us, i tried. He might say he did, but he didnt. he checked out a long time ago and that wasnt my fault. He just couldnt handle me and my emotions, he couldnt deal with conflict. Didnt have a clue how to calm a situation down, he would punish me and just make it wose. I would be the bad guy. I overlooked his flaws and shame on me for doing that. I'm a fool, but I loved him.

 

I want a man, not a boy. A man who isnt afraid of emotion, who knows how to show a girl love and affection, who doesnt mind making their gf a priority. Sorry for the rant here, i'm just putting all my thoughts and feelings down here. He did 2 degrees though, so even though he was a 'mature student' he still had that young mentality where he didnt want to commit. Yes he stayed faithful but he shouldnt get any brownie points for that. He liked being with me when it suited him, when he needed attention and affection, but was it 2 sided?? Hardly ever. Always me giving and him taking. I'm realising a lot today about the way he was towards me, and it just goes to show me that he might have physically been in the relationship, but he checked out emotionally and mentally a long time ago.

 

Its a pity I didnt think I deserved better ages ago and walked away myself. Its a pity I put him on a pedestal when really i am out his league and he was lucky to be with me. I know that sounds mean, but its true. I was this confident happy bubbly girl when he met me, its when the arguments started that he made me feel so crap about myself that I realise now I started losing my self-esteem and self-worth gradually.

 

I think he's a fool for letting me go.

 

This is exactly what happened to me. I started to get angry at my ex (rightly so), and I regretted apologizing and letting him off the hook.

[BC1980]

That's what I did and it gave me at least some sort of closure. Im not suggesting sitting on the phone bawling about how sorry you are, although that it what we would WANT to do most times. I simply called and very politely said I did not intend to get that emotional, sorry if I made you uncomfortable I was just very surprised. Please do not think you have made me sad or depressed, I am just upset with the situation. And ended the call.

When a relationship ends, we put it on a pedestal and look at things in rose colored glasses. Let it go and live, accept its over and that your life will go on. It doesn't end here.

 

And believe me I know what you're talking about when you say that you are upset with him acting the way he did (as if you were together) and then ending it.

The day before I called my ex, I had just come back from being with him for 5 days. We did everything together, wake up, go out, brush our teeth, we were also intimate. I told myself not to get attached but it was impossible...

It was very much so possible for him.

But its okay. Just let it go. That's all we can do at this point. Don't think about it too much, and eventually you wont think of it at all.

 

I'll also say that your emotions will change so much from day to day that it's best to stay NC. It protects you from saying things you regret because you can't see clearly right now. It takes months to sort it all out and get to a place where you can see more objectively. By that time, you will feel so differently that a lot won't matter anymore. For the record, I told my ex I hated him the day he broke up with me. I ended up apologizing the next day, but who cares at this point. He knows I didn't mean it I'm sure, and he probably has forgotten by now.