! Lost all dignity and self respect

[requin]

how long have you been nc?

[Heartbroken_84]

how long have you been nc?

 

Hey requin, it's been 18 days. Longest 18 days ever!

[requin]

I'm only on day 5. It's so awful how it gets worse instead of better isn't it?

 

I've been reading this thread and watching your ups and downs. I can totally relate to wanting so bad to contact him before your exam. Whenever I fear something in my life, or have some crisis happen, I want to run to my guy. Since our breakup 6 weeks ago, no crisis has yet happened (thank god) but I know it will be the biggest test not to break no contact when that happens. I applaud you that you didn't!!

 

And of course when you did so well on the exam, you want to share that with him too. I so get that. Being unable to share things w/ the person we shared everything w/, is unbearable.

 

But you have said it--he doesn't care.

 

Yesterday was my bday. My guy and I went out just one year, so there was only one chance at bdays, he barely remembered when mine was last summer when we were together. Even so, I hoped/wanted him to remember it this year and see if he'd break his no-initiating-of-contact-since-the-breakup, to wish me happy bday. But nothing came.

 

I told myself before my bday that he probably won't remember or say anything either way yet I was still let down when it didn't happen. Fact is, he either forgot completely or didn't want to say anything. Either way--he doesn't care.

 

We want to share everything w/ these guys and because we're still in denial about the breakup (I am anyway, I cannot speak for you), it's like nothing has really changed. I also made the big mistake yesterday of listening to some of his saved voicemails on my phone...from when he was so in love.

BAD IDEA. I sobbed my head off and felt much worse than I already did. Will I delete them? No, not yet. But I'm not going near them .....

 

Stay strong. You are doing amazingly well.

[Heartbroken_84]

I'm only on day 5. It's so awful how it gets worse instead of better isn't it?

 

I've been reading this thread and watching your ups and downs. I can totally relate to wanting so bad to contact him before your exam. Whenever I fear something in my life, or have some crisis happen, I want to run to my guy. Since our breakup 6 weeks ago, no crisis has yet happened (thank god) but I know it will be the biggest test not to break no contact when that happens. I applaud you that you didn't!!

 

And of course when you did so well on the exam, you want to share that with him too. I so get that. Being unable to share things w/ the person we shared everything w/, is unbearable.

 

But you have said it--he doesn't care.

 

Yesterday was my bday. My guy and I went out just one year, so there was only one chance at bdays, he barely remembered when mine was last summer when we were together. Even so, I hoped/wanted him to remember it this year and see if he'd break his no-initiating-of-contact-since-the-breakup, to wish me happy bday. But nothing came.

 

I told myself before my bday that he probably won't remember or say anything either way yet I was still let down when it didn't happen. Fact is, he either forgot completely or didn't want to say anything. Either way--he doesn't care.

 

We want to share everything w/ these guys and because we're still in denial about the breakup (I am anyway, I cannot speak for you), it's like nothing has really changed. I also made the big mistake yesterday of listening to some of his saved voicemails on my phone...from when he was so in love.

BAD IDEA. I sobbed my head off and felt much worse than I already did. Will I delete them? No, not yet. But I'm not going near them .....

 

Stay strong. You are doing amazingly well.

 

Thanks requin, it's really tough though as you already know yourself. I have to admit though that even though I haven't contacted him I had a setback and unblocked him from Facebook and what's app. I'm so embarrassed to admit this on the forum especially after everyone's advice, but I still felt the need to unblock him. I'm just not ready for that yet, so I can relate to you not being able to delete his voicemails. What I will say to you though is that I deleted all his photos, his number, messages, videos etc because I didn't want to torture myself looking at them. I can't imagine how difficult u are making it for yourself by listening to his voicemails, but I am not one to talk after blocking him then unblocking him.

 

Happy belated birthday btw, I know it must hurt that he didn't message u but then ask yourself if he had messages you would you have felt better or worse? I really think you would have felt worse, at least this way you can start to accept that it's over and come out of your denial phase. That's what I'm trying to do anyway, as hard and sad as it is I realised that him not messaging me after my exam was basically him not giving a ****. The only reason he messages me before was to ease his guilt or look like the bigger person, but now that my exam is done I know I won't hear from him.

 

We need to try really hard to take them off the pedestal and see them for who they really are. If they truly loved us they wouldn't have let us go, and I think that's the bottom line. Despite any arguments, if they loved us they would have wanted to work through it. They didn't want to though, I'm not too sure about your situation but in my case he gave up a long time ago and I wish I had walked away then. I begged and pleaded etc and I regret not walking away gracefully.

 

If anything we will learn from this failed relationship and improve ourselves so that in the future we are more able to deal with the rejection if that is the case. Hopefully it won't be though, but if it is we will be a lot stronger and not blame ourselves for the break up. It takes 2 people to make it work, not 1. Unrequited love is exhausting and painful. We deserve to be loved and treated amazingly, with appreciation, empathy and care.

 

We need to keep reminding ourself of this whenever times are really tough. I know I do anyway. I'm having a really tough day today feeling really low. Wishing he would contact me, it's pathetic and it won't ever happen now. I NEED to move on.

[miranda_wilson]

Heartbroken_84,

 

There's a book called Don't Call That Man by Rhonda Findling that I think you would like.

 

Here it is: Amazon.com: Don't Call That Man!: A Survival Guide to Letting Go eBook: Rhonda Findling: Books

[requin]

Hi HB

If he had said happy bday I would have felt good because it meant he remembered and was thinking of me. I did not plan to respond in any way. I might have felt a bit sad that if that's all there was..of course we always want more, not just crumbs. But I would have been quite happy to have just that.

 

I only listened to his vm's that one time and stopped after listening to a few. That was bad enough. Like I said I won't do that again.

 

I still have his pictures, texts, etc on my phone and computers but I don't generally look. He's not active at all on FB but our status is "in a r'ship" w/ each other. I want to change that or block him because I don't want to see his r'ship status change some day. But honestly I won't change it because I don't want any of the women he's friends w/ on FB to see he's single again. Since he very rarely gets on FB that status (us together) could be there a long time. In the meantime if I get over him (unlikely) or meet someone else (also unlikely) then I will change it.

 

But until that happens I don't think I am going to touch it. I"m not leaving it wide open for other women to go after him on FB. (Before he met me, he used FB as a way to reconnect w/ women from school, etc).

 

Perhaps that is childish or stupid of me but that's ok. It's where I'm at right now.

 

My problem isn't so much looking at pictures etc it's just in my HEAD where I cannot get rid of the memories. We did everything together and I cannot think of any place (grocery store, park, etc) where we didn't go together, the memories are far too strong.

 

I'm having a horrible day, my hands are shaking and I cannot focus on work at all. I am so far behind on work.

 

I'm too old for this *****, we were supposed to be together for good, I simply cannot stand the idea of (a) being alone the rest of my life, or (b) looking for someone again. Neither option is acceptable yet I am forced into this situation of being w/out him. It's maddening I feel I will actually go crazy ...

 

The worst part is I knew the r'ship would not last, I never felt good enough for him, I could never believe I had this amazing guy (best looking guy I ever dated, too)...I was in awe the entire time. I think my bad karma came back and bit me in the ar$e...thinking it could not be real, now it isn't real.

 

Meanwhile this weekend he'll go to VT w/ all his friends as the only single guy there, to watch fireworks and party it up. He used to complain how he hated being single while all his friends had wives. Now he wants to be single again while i"m over here DYING w/out him. It's insane.

 

He'll get over his happy being single phase and want a gf again but there's an almost zero probability it will be me he'll come back to. He'll find someone else, thinking she is the "perfect one". Of course most of us know there's no such thing. He thinks everyone is that at first...then he dumps her.

 

None of that makes it any easier for me. I really think that if I somehow manage to get over this, I am NOT going to love again. I'm not going to be able to handle this kind of pain again. No way and I"m too damn old. Time to forget about love, I think. It sucks.

[Heartbroken_84]

Guys I know what I'm about to say is because of my own doing, I unblocked him from Facebook so its my own fault but please dont judge me, I really need to get this off my chest.

 

Its a mutual friend of ours birthday today, she went to uni with us and she's such a nice girl. I saw that he posted 'Happy birthday!! ' on her wall and I dont know what happened but I burst into tears and I feel so anxious and upset now. I dont understand it, I dont know if its because in my head I feel like he is moving on now and he is being so nice to her, plus the smiley face shows he is happy. I'm just so distraught after seeing that. What is wrong with me??

 

I deserve this for unblocking him but I just wasnt ready to block him, I dont know what to do now because it has set me back. I keep doing this to myself, finding ways to somehow set me back without meaning to. I thought I could handle seeing him on facebook because I deleted all of his friends so didnt think it would be as bad.

 

I'm just such a mess, I feel so weak and emotional. I feel how I felt 2 weeks ago now. I should have just kept him blocked. And now i'm worried that if I block him he willl just think I'm pathetic and dramatic. I know what u are all gona say, it doesnt matter what he thinks, but it does I just dont understand y I am letting him control me like this. I shouldnt be thinking about what he thinks but I cant help it I'm so upset please help. And be as harsh as you need to be

[Simon Phoenix]

Did you reblock him? If not, do so immediately. I mean, you aren't even in the same solar system of being able to handle such a thing. This process is hard enough without you sabotaging yourself out of pure stupidity. Please reblock and bandage up this completely and utter unnecessary wound.

[Heartbroken_84]

I cant stop crying I dont know why I'm like this today, I feel like I dont have the strength and courage to block him. I know I need to do it now because I've set myself back to square 1 and i dont want to constantly feel like this.

 

I know I'm pathetic I'm just so devastated

 

I hate him for not caring, i actually hate him for hurting me

[David87]

If you keep this up in a year from now you'll be on this thread saying you feel exactly the same.

[Heartbroken_84]

I know I feel like I'm losing my mind I'm having such a bad day today I cant stop sobbing, I wish he loved me.

[David87]

I know I feel like I'm losing my mind I'm having such a bad day today I cant stop sobbing, I wish he loved me.

 

 

Yeah, we all want what we can't have. BLOCK HIM so you can start healing.

[Heartbroken_84]

I blocked him. I hope to God that I dont cave and unblock him again. I cant do it to myself. I just cant its too upsetting

[BC1980]

I blocked him. I hope to God that I dont cave and unblock him again. I cant do it to myself. I just cant its too upsetting

 

If you get the urge to unblock him again, try to do something else as a distraction. It's hard though because it almost makes you want to break NC the more you think about it. You could have a tendency to fixate on it. Logic worked for me because I just knew there was no way to move on if I stayed in contact.

[requin]

HB it's not a big deal. He wrote happy birthday w/ a smiley face? SO WHAT.

 

You said she's a nice girl. Ok. So he said happy b'day to a nice girl. So what?? And the smiley face does not mean he's happy. (Really? lol...if that were true everyone everywhere would be happy, because everyone uses smileys).

 

Relax. It is not a big deal.

 

The good news is that this tiny communication he wrote to a friend was enough to make you ballistic so you really need to learn from this before something that IS a big deal is on his FB page.

 

Listen..he won't even know you blocked him, FB doesn't announce it. He'll only know if he goes looking for you and he isnt likely to do that (sad to say) and if he IS looking at your FB page it's giong to be so pathetic when he sees you sometimes (because you unblocked him) and then another time he can't see you. If he looks at your page its most likely just curiosity because if he really wanted to be in touch w/ you and couldn't see FB, he'd find another way. So it means nothing and anyway, the best way to make him wonder is to make it so he can't see anything you are doing.

 

He's not hating you or thinking you're mean or anything, You have to realize he's not thinking about the breakup. Esp because of the way you became temporary crazy girl, right now all he's most likely feeilng is relief that you aren't pestering him. Leave him alone and make him miss you. Make him wonder. Yes that will take time and trust me...I'm in the same boat as you --I want my guy to miss me but he's having fun and enjoying his newfound "freedom" -- but I know that eventually that will wear off and he'll start thinking about me.

 

By that time I hope I'm in a much better place emotionally so if he pings me I can handle it.

 

If he were active on FB it would be driving me crazy to look at his page. Also luckily for me I cannot see anything his friends post on his page either. So I totally get how you must feel and I know the desire to look is huge. But look how horrible you feel now?

 

Ignorance is bliss. You do NOT want to see him post something that really is heartbreaking like that he's got a new girl or something so you'd really better quit now.

 

I think all or at least most of us know what you're going through and understand the lure. FB is a dumpee's worst nightmare. Only you can take care of you. Be strong. Avoid that kind of self inflicted torture.

[Heartbroken_84]

HB it's not a big deal. He wrote happy birthday w/ a smiley face? SO WHAT.

 

You said she's a nice girl. Ok. So he said happy b'day to a nice girl. So what?? And the smiley face does not mean he's happy. (Really? lol...if that were true everyone everywhere would be happy, because everyone uses smileys).

 

Relax. It is not a big deal.

 

The good news is that this tiny communication he wrote to a friend was enough to make you ballistic so you really need to learn from this before something that IS a big deal is on his FB page.

 

Listen..he won't even know you blocked him, FB doesn't announce it. He'll only know if he goes looking for you and he isnt likely to do that (sad to say) and if he IS looking at your FB page it's giong to be so pathetic when he sees you sometimes (because you unblocked him) and then another time he can't see you. If he looks at your page its most likely just curiosity because if he really wanted to be in touch w/ you and couldn't see FB, he'd find another way. So it means nothing and anyway, the best way to make him wonder is to make it so he can't see anything you are doing.

 

He's not hating you or thinking you're mean or anything, You have to realize he's not thinking about the breakup. Esp because of the way you became temporary crazy girl, right now all he's most likely feeilng is relief that you aren't pestering him. Leave him alone and make him miss you. Make him wonder. Yes that will take time and trust me...I'm in the same boat as you --I want my guy to miss me but he's having fun and enjoying his newfound "freedom" -- but I know that eventually that will wear off and he'll start thinking about me.

 

By that time I hope I'm in a much better place emotionally so if he pings me I can handle it.

 

If he were active on FB it would be driving me crazy to look at his page. Also luckily for me I cannot see anything his friends post on his page either. So I totally get how you must feel and I know the desire to look is huge. But look how horrible you feel now?

 

Ignorance is bliss. You do NOT want to see him post something that really is heartbreaking like that he's got a new girl or something so you'd really better quit now.

 

I think all or at least most of us know what you're going through and understand the lure. FB is a dumpee's worst nightmare. Only you can take care of you. Be strong. Avoid that kind of self inflicted torture.

 

Hey requin, thank you so much for your message it really helped calm me down and put my mind at ease. My rational side has kicked in now, you are absolutely right. It was probably a blessing in disguise because now I have blocked him and its very unlikely I will unblock him now after the emotional turmoil I went through this morning. it just isnt worth it. It set me back and it is like self-inflicting torture you are right. There is just no need for it. Thank you for putting it in perspective for me

 

You are doing so well, hats off to u! I need to be strong, its people like you on this forum that help me stay strong. Thank you

[Heartbroken_84]

If you get the urge to unblock him again, try to do something else as a distraction. It's hard though because it almost makes you want to break NC the more you think about it. You could have a tendency to fixate on it. Logic worked for me because I just knew there was no way to move on if I stayed in contact.

 

Thats a good idea BC, thank you. And you're right, hopefully logic will kick me in the backside if I ever get the urge to unblock him in future

[requin]

And don't fall into the trap of thinking that when you start feeling better/stronger, that you can handle seeing his page and unblock him again. Not so. Basically you're addicted to this guy and once we are addicted to someone they will always trigger us (or maybe not always, but it can take forever before they don't, and you aren't anywhere near forever).

 

So don't think some day in a week or a month or so, "I'm doing so well, I don't care about him anymore..I wonder what he's doing" and you look and WHAM you get hit in the face w/ some happy event in his life. Right back in the s h i t t er you go. lol

 

Thanks for your kind words. I"m so happy my words helped you. It's nice to know that even in our emotional crapfest, we can still help others.

 

Relax and breathe and think happy thoughts. I am finding it very helpful to focus on being grateful for what i have and expect to have. If i want to expect to have my man back in my life, that is what I am doing, and it feels a lot better to be "expectant" than totally defeated about it. In the meantime it also makes it easier to get on w/ my life w/out him. It's hard to explain why it works like that but it does. As long as I felt I would never have another chance w/ him, I was so depressed I felt suicidal. When I am grateful for having known him, for his love, etc. (pretending I still have it), I feel a lot lighter and freer. It's easier to live my own life. Yea, it really is working that way.

 

My guy is out of town this weekend w/ friends having a good time. Yea I had a cry earlier, but it only lasted a few mins. It's raining and the vindictive part of me is glad lol...but of course that won't stop him and his friends from having their good time in Vermont. So be it. As long as I stay no contact, that is my job, that, and keeping myself in a good frame of mind, and busy.

 

Same for you. What your guy is doing doesn't matter. Stay no contact. Like I said, ignorance really is bliss. Focus on you. You really matter!!

 

xoxo

[Heartbroken_84]

And don't fall into the trap of thinking that when you start feeling better/stronger, that you can handle seeing his page and unblock him again. Not so. Basically you're addicted to this guy and once we are addicted to someone they will always trigger us (or maybe not always, but it can take forever before they don't, and you aren't anywhere near forever).

 

So don't think some day in a week or a month or so, "I'm doing so well, I don't care about him anymore..I wonder what he's doing" and you look and WHAM you get hit in the face w/ some happy event in his life. Right back in the s h i t t er you go. lol

 

Thanks for your kind words. I"m so happy my words helped you. It's nice to know that even in our emotional crapfest, we can still help others.

 

Relax and breathe and think happy thoughts. I am finding it very helpful to focus on being grateful for what i have and expect to have. If i want to expect to have my man back in my life, that is what I am doing, and it feels a lot better to be "expectant" than totally defeated about it. In the meantime it also makes it easier to get on w/ my life w/out him. It's hard to explain why it works like that but it does. As long as I felt I would never have another chance w/ him, I was so depressed I felt suicidal. When I am grateful for having known him, for his love, etc. (pretending I still have it), I feel a lot lighter and freer. It's easier to live my own life. Yea, it really is working that way.

 

My guy is out of town this weekend w/ friends having a good time. Yea I had a cry earlier, but it only lasted a few mins. It's raining and the vindictive part of me is glad lol...but of course that won't stop him and his friends from having their good time in Vermont. So be it. As long as I stay no contact, that is my job, that, and keeping myself in a good frame of mind, and busy.

 

Same for you. What your guy is doing doesn't matter. Stay no contact. Like I said, ignorance really is bliss. Focus on you. You really matter!!

 

xoxo

 

Hi requin, you have a very good attitude about being grateful for what you have and working on bettering yourself. I would like to do the same.

 

The thing with me is though I am just desperate to accept its over. I dont want to hold any kind of hope for reconciliation because I know that I'l never truly be able to move forward or heal if i do. I ask myself why I even would consider it after how much pain and hurt he has caused me, and the answer I came up with is purely for validation and my own ego. The only reason I would ever want him to come back is so that I feel better about MYSELF and the rejection I faced. Its not even because I want to get back with him, because deep down i know he doesnt deserve to be with me.

 

Its like the only reason I want him to come back running is so that my damaged self-esteem and self-worth gets a boost. No other reason, its sad but true. the thing is though, I know the kind of person he is (logical and rational, but so cold, stubborn and emotionless) hence the reason I know he will never think he made the wrong decision or ever even admit his faults or flaws which led to the break up. It will never happen and I NEED to accept that. Its over for good and I need to move forwards and not backwards, despite how hard I'm finding it.

 

I'm not sure about you but I find that I will read posts and feel strong and speak to my friends and feel fine but then a couple hours later I am back to feeling so down and doubting/blaming myself. Its a vicious cycle. I would absolutely love for him to feel think he has made a mistake but truth is even if he did (which is almost impossible) I will never know so I need to stop dwelling and focusing on him, and start being kinder to myself and giving myself love and appreciation. Its tough but I've managed to not contact him for 3 weeks so I think i can keep going, fingers crossed. And same for you.

[requin]

Hi HB,

Most of the hurt they cause us, is hurt we allow. Yes, when they breakup (esp out of nowhere) that is going to hurt but any hurt that goes on and on while we sit around and say, "how could he do this to me" is just that, ME thinking, ego! When he broke up he didn't do it to "hurt you" he did it because he felt it was best for him. Maybe he was wrong but we can never know that, esp if he never comes back and says he was wrong about leaving (ha!)

 

You need to take the focus off being a victim and wanting revenge. He didn't do it to destroy you. He did it because he wants something else. He might have made a huge mistake in leaving you but you cannot dwell on that for revenge, etc because you'll just make yourself sick.

 

I know it sounds easy and I have horrible days too. Like you I might feel good for a while (esp after talking w/ people) but then it hits again like a brick in the face. I was such a mess yesterday at work I was shaking and couldn't get any work done. So yea, there will be good days/hours/mins and bad days/hours/mins but the important thing is to keep upping the good and lessening the bad, and I can see from your posts that you are doing a lot better.

 

Only no contact will continue that trend. Stay strong, do not surrender.

 

You absolutely should be thinking it's over BUT you cannot force yourself at this stage. Just live your life as best you can and understand and accept that yea you're gonna cry and feel horrible and want revenge, etc but then tell yourself, "ok but I am moving on, I'm no contact and I'm living my life." It's ok to feel the way you do. You can't force yourself to be over it. Obsessing about being over it is only going to make you more stuck.

 

The best thing to do is find other things to do. Self help books/web audios, etc have helped me tremendously. Like other posters have said in this thread, get off LS for a while and focus on something else.

 

The longer you are NC the easier this will be.

 

Also remember you can NOT control what he does. I'm hopeful my guy will come back because our r'ship was stellar ...for both of us for a long time, I"m not sure what happened in the end but I"m hoping he just needed some space, just like he said he needed, and will give us another shot. If he felt pressured, I can work on easing that. There are things we can do, definitely, to make our r'ship better. If after that, it still doesn't work, then it won't work, but at least we tried. I think him bailing the way he did was cowardly. He may never want to give it another try. But I am seeing only the good in this man and how we were together. The problems that arose were based on different attraction types (avoidant/anxious); there's things you can do to work on that.

 

But both partners have to be willing, and he might not be. Ok then. I can't force it. I'm just waiting for now.

 

Wanting revenge on your guy isn't the way to be thinking. Let go of that and focus on yourself not whether that dude comes crawling back. And besides, you wo'nt feel as good as you think, if he did and you were able to slam him. Why really would that help anything? The best revenge you can get is to walk away w/ silence and dignity, because he's going to hear that better than anything.

 

I love my guy more than anything in my life and I'm still floored that he ended it and if he never gives us another chance I will never understand why it had to end, but at the end of the day it's his choice and I simply cannot change that. It's horrible and it has made me think long and hard about ever trusting anyone again. There were no red flags at all, he was amazing and I allowed myself to trust and fall in love, only to find out a year later that he couldn't handle a r'ship. How was I to know?

 

We fall in love and we lose, it's the nature of life. You are too young to give up so don't give up, make yourself the best you can be, to attract the right guy. Forget the bozo.

[BC1980]

Hi requin, you have a very good attitude about being grateful for what you have and working on bettering yourself. I would like to do the same.

 

The thing with me is though I am just desperate to accept its over. I dont want to hold any kind of hope for reconciliation because I know that I'l never truly be able to move forward or heal if i do. I ask myself why I even would consider it after how much pain and hurt he has caused me, and the answer I came up with is purely for validation and my own ego. The only reason I would ever want him to come back is so that I feel better about MYSELF and the rejection I faced. Its not even because I want to get back with him, because deep down i know he doesnt deserve to be with me.

 

Its like the only reason I want him to come back running is so that my damaged self-esteem and self-worth gets a boost. No other reason, its sad but true. the thing is though, I know the kind of person he is (logical and rational, but so cold, stubborn and emotionless) hence the reason I know he will never think he made the wrong decision or ever even admit his faults or flaws which led to the break up. It will never happen and I NEED to accept that. Its over for good and I need to move forwards and not backwards, despite how hard I'm finding it.

 

I'm not sure about you but I find that I will read posts and feel strong and speak to my friends and feel fine but then a couple hours later I am back to feeling so down and doubting/blaming myself. Its a vicious cycle. I would absolutely love for him to feel think he has made a mistake but truth is even if he did (which is almost impossible) I will never know so I need to stop dwelling and focusing on him, and start being kinder to myself and giving myself love and appreciation. Its tough but I've managed to not contact him for 3 weeks so I think i can keep going, fingers crossed. And same for you.

 

Losing hope is something you do daily and accept over time. It's not like you can declare one day that you have no hope. It's extremely hard to loose hope when the person is still out there. I mean, I don't even know if you loose it completely for a long time. I've read severel books talking about how breakup grief is different than grief over the death of a partner for this very reason. It's hard to give up hope if the person is still alive, so you really need to be NC. You will know they are out there, but they will become less relavant as times goes on. It becomes silly and unrealistic to hold out hope for a person you are not in contact with. Checking up on the person, keeping in contact, ect. All of those things keep the person relavant to you and keep the hope alive and well. It becomes so difficult to move on at that point, so you are only hurting yourself in the end.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hi HB,

Most of the hurt they cause us, is hurt we allow. Yes, when they breakup (esp out of nowhere) that is going to hurt but any hurt that goes on and on while we sit around and say, "how could he do this to me" is just that, ME thinking, ego! When he broke up he didn't do it to "hurt you" he did it because he felt it was best for him. Maybe he was wrong but we can never know that, esp if he never comes back and says he was wrong about leaving (ha!)

 

You need to take the focus off being a victim and wanting revenge. He didn't do it to destroy you. He did it because he wants something else. He might have made a huge mistake in leaving you but you cannot dwell on that for revenge, etc because you'll just make yourself sick.

 

I know it sounds easy and I have horrible days too. Like you I might feel good for a while (esp after talking w/ people) but then it hits again like a brick in the face. I was such a mess yesterday at work I was shaking and couldn't get any work done. So yea, there will be good days/hours/mins and bad days/hours/mins but the important thing is to keep upping the good and lessening the bad, and I can see from your posts that you are doing a lot better.

 

Only no contact will continue that trend. Stay strong, do not surrender.

 

You absolutely should be thinking it's over BUT you cannot force yourself at this stage. Just live your life as best you can and understand and accept that yea you're gonna cry and feel horrible and want revenge, etc but then tell yourself, "ok but I am moving on, I'm no contact and I'm living my life." It's ok to feel the way you do. You can't force yourself to be over it. Obsessing about being over it is only going to make you more stuck.

 

The best thing to do is find other things to do. Self help books/web audios, etc have helped me tremendously. Like other posters have said in this thread, get off LS for a while and focus on something else.

 

The longer you are NC the easier this will be.

 

Also remember you can NOT control what he does. I'm hopeful my guy will come back because our r'ship was stellar ...for both of us for a long time, I"m not sure what happened in the end but I"m hoping he just needed some space, just like he said he needed, and will give us another shot. If he felt pressured, I can work on easing that. There are things we can do, definitely, to make our r'ship better. If after that, it still doesn't work, then it won't work, but at least we tried. I think him bailing the way he did was cowardly. He may never want to give it another try. But I am seeing only the good in this man and how we were together. The problems that arose were based on different attraction types (avoidant/anxious); there's things you can do to work on that.

 

But both partners have to be willing, and he might not be. Ok then. I can't force it. I'm just waiting for now.

 

Wanting revenge on your guy isn't the way to be thinking. Let go of that and focus on yourself not whether that dude comes crawling back. And besides, you wo'nt feel as good as you think, if he did and you were able to slam him. Why really would that help anything? The best revenge you can get is to walk away w/ silence and dignity, because he's going to hear that better than anything.

 

I love my guy more than anything in my life and I'm still floored that he ended it and if he never gives us another chance I will never understand why it had to end, but at the end of the day it's his choice and I simply cannot change that. It's horrible and it has made me think long and hard about ever trusting anyone again. There were no red flags at all, he was amazing and I allowed myself to trust and fall in love, only to find out a year later that he couldn't handle a r'ship. How was I to know?

 

We fall in love and we lose, it's the nature of life. You are too young to give up so don't give up, make yourself the best you can be, to attract the right guy. Forget the bozo.

 

Hey, thats true I do make myself feel and sound like the victim a lot. I guess i just see it as I was so loving to him how could he hurt me? He wanted out for his own reasons though, and just because he said he was unhappy doesnt mean it was all my doing or my fault. I need to stop thinking I am the reason he wanted out, i just dont think he wanted to be in a serious relationship or was ready to be in one. He said his feelings changed, and maybe they did a bit but i think he said that to be brutal mainly and get me off his back. Wow that makes me cringe that I was harassing him that much.

 

You are so accurate when you say that obsessing about being over it is going to make me sick. i think thats exactly what ive been doing and I need to try and stop it. I obsess and analyse it over and over in my head, from the relationship to the breakup and what went wrong etc. And about how I need to just accept and get over it. Its not helping me though i need to just take each day as it comes and not expect this healing process to be over any time soon because I know it will take me months and months to start feeling better about myself and the situation.

 

You are also right about the revenge thing, i guess i didnt see it like that but its wrong to be thinking that way and you are correct i probably wouldnt even feel any better. I think it was more about me getting that acceptance and validation that he actually did love me and he made a mistake, but again that isnt going to happen, certainly not in my situation.

 

I think I need to take him off the pedestal, and stop thinking of him as God. Maybe the longer i go with NC the more likely that will happen. I really hope so.

[Heartbroken_84]

Losing hope is something you do daily and accept over time. It's not like you can declare one day that you have no hope. It's extremely hard to loose hope when the person is still out there. I mean, I don't even know if you loose it completely for a long time. I've read severel books talking about how breakup grief is different than grief over the death of a partner for this very reason. It's hard to give up hope if the person is still alive, so you really need to be NC. You will know they are out there, but they will become less relavant as times goes on. It becomes silly and unrealistic to hold out hope for a person you are not in contact with. Checking up on the person, keeping in contact, ect. All of those things keep the person relavant to you and keep the hope alive and well. It becomes so difficult to move on at that point, so you are only hurting yourself in the end.

 

Hey BC thats very true, and I do think if you are not in contact with that person or checking up on them it will make it easier to lose that hope. Thats a really valid point you made, maybe now that I have blocked him and know that i wont hear from him or contact him it will make him become less relevant to my life and that association with him will slowly go away?

 

What do you do though when u get to the point where you feel like you are physically aching because u miss them and u want to speak to them or hear their voice?>

[BC1980]

Hey BC thats very true, and I do think if you are not in contact with that person or checking up on them it will make it easier to lose that hope. Thats a really valid point you made, maybe now that I have blocked him and know that i wont hear from him or contact him it will make him become less relevant to my life and that association with him will slowly go away?

 

He will become irrelevant over time. Over the past year, I have made steps that put me on a different path. For me, a big thing was opening a savings account under my name only to save to buy a house. We lived together for the last year of our breakup, so I obviously wasn't saving for a house. We had some joint accounts, so it seemed like a big deal when I opened the savings account. I remember having to really force myself to do it, and it hurt at the time.

 

My time is spent quite differently. With my ex, everything was about coordinating our schedules to be home for his son or to take his son to soccer practice. It was all about getting time off for soccer tournaments because his son played select soccer. Another example is that I budget my money differently because I don't have anyone to fall back on. That was a major adjustment actually. To go from having someone else responsible for the mortgage to a position where I am now saving for a house and figuring out a budget on my own. I've obviously done that before, but, with my ex, I had become really spoiled to having a fall back since he made a good deal more money than me. There was a period of adjustment there.

 

Mainly, my time and thoughts are focused on entirely different things. I did most of the cooking when we lived together because he worked longer hours. My off days were spent doing laundry, taking care of our yard, deciding what to cook for dinner, and doing homework with his son. Basically, I went from having a family to being single, so that change was a big deal for a long time. We basically operated like we were married, and his son was like my child.

 

Now, my life is so different. I'm obviously much more focused on myself. I actually do just as much as when we were together, but I'm doing different things. I've starting hanging out more with old friends and made some new ones. I volunteer at a food bank and a free clinic every month, which has been great and shown me that I was entirely too focused on myself and my "problems," which were petty problems. So he will become irrelevant, but it sort of slips up on you. It takes months, and, one day, you are just living life in a different way. I miss some of the old life, but I enjoy the new life in ways I didn't imagine a year ago. I've learned that it's okay to miss the old life. You are allowed to grieve and miss the good parts of your time with your ex. You are a human being with feelings, and that is definitely okay.

[BC1980]

What do you do though when u get to the point where you feel like you are physically aching because u miss them and u want to speak to them or hear their voice?>

 

Well, I do remember having nausea, so I am a believer that mental anguish can cause physical problems. I cried a lot during those times, and I broke NC once. That hurt a lot because he seemed like he could have cared less and was living life, having a lot of fun without me. That was the last phone call I made to him because it hurt so much. I knew I couldn't keep subjecting myself to that pain.

 

I would say that journaling or unsent letters helped me the most in times of true anguish, times that I questioned if I could go on. I didn't know if I would get better. I was very scared that I felt as bad as I did because I had never felt like that in my life. It scared the sh*t out of me to be honest.

 

My NC journey was different than yours because I was in LC with my ex for 4 months post breakup. By the time I went NC, I was done with him and the entire thing. There was nothing more to do at that point, so I only broke it once after 3 months. I haven't broken it since, and I have no desire to.