! Lost all dignity and self respect

[requin]

nothing in life is "fair".

[Heartbroken_84]

I feel like txting him saying 'I'm so shocked that u haven't apologised for how much Uve hurt me, u should be begging me to forgive u for the way u treated me and pleading with me to take u back and give it another chance. U had such a good thing and u ruined it, all u had to do was make the effort and we could have sorted it out, u never tried. Not once. I feel so cheated and disappointed. U there away something that cod have potentially been great had u wanted it to be. I put up with so much, but u wanted to bail whenever there was hard work involved. I do t know what world ure living in but if u think ure not gona meet ac woman who has emotions and doesn't get moody with her bf at times then I will actually swim with sharks. There were so many positives to our relationship but u persisted on focusing on negatives, constantly. I will never understand. I might have acted crazy that wknd I was upset but I think ure crazy to let me go. U spoke about my behaviour that wknd as not being 'normal' well ure responses and reactions to me during our relationship wernt 'normal'. I made a few mistakes but I loved u so much. Punishing me and being so cold and mean towards me, that wasn't 'normal' yet I overlooked it. Shame on me.

[Heartbroken_84]

I really feel like sending it. Is it really a bad idea?? What if I actually feel better after?

[BC1980]

I'm glad that you got that out of your system by posting it here, but don't send it. Let me ask you one question: do you think he will agree with you if you send that?

[Heartbroken_84]

I don't think he will because he is so unbelievably deluded and stubborn but I still feel the need to txt it. It's like I want him to feel like a fool because I genuinely think he is one and he's too far up his own ass to see it. He's so uptight I feel like I need to stand up for myself I've taken so much **** off him I'm so angry

[David87]

I don't think he will because he is so unbelievably deluded and stubborn but I still feel the need to txt it. It's like I want him to feel like a fool because I genuinely think he is one and he's too far up his own ass to see it. He's so uptight I feel like I need to stand up for myself I've taken so much **** off him I'm so angry

 

Don't send it. Its not worth it, whats done is done, nothing you can do now to change the past. You met him to learn something, I hope you did.

[miranda_wilson]

Heartbroken, from what you describe, your ex sounds like a total ass. I can't stand him just from the way you describe him. I'd say don't send it. Just let him be who he is. He sounds like a total a-hole, and his being the way he is is his own punishment. His parents raised a brat.

 

I agree with you that if a man has a woman who loves him, he should work with her emotions even if they do get to him. A relationship can always be worked on. A good friend of mine from years ago had a rocky relationship with her boyfriend. She and he had fights; she was moody; she had complaints; it annoyed him. They got through it and stayed in love. They were together four years (he died in a car accident; they never split.) The rocky part of their relationship was the first couple of years (and it wasn't rocky every moment; just saying that that was the time period in which they had some degree of rockiness). The more smooth part of their relationship was after they got through all that.

 

People in general need to work through their problems instead of running. One of my best friends....his parents had a whole decade of rockiness but stayed together and have been in great shape for years. They've been together 40 years. People ask "how do couples make it work for 40 / 50 years? HOW DO THEY DO IT?" Umm....they work on their relationship and don't run???

[Heartbroken_84]

Heartbroken, from what you describe, your ex sounds like a total ass. I can't stand him just from the way you describe him. I'd say don't send it. Just let him be who he is. He sounds like a total a-hole, and his being the way he is is his own punishment. His parents raised a brat.

 

I agree with you that if a man has a woman who loves him, he should work with her emotions even if they do get to him. A relationship can always be worked on. A good friend of mine from years ago had a rocky relationship with her boyfriend. She and he had fights; she was moody; she had complaints; it annoyed him. They got through it and stayed in love. They were together four years (he died in a car accident; they never split.) The rocky part of their relationship was the first couple of years (and it wasn't rocky every moment; just saying that that was the time period in which they had some degree of rockiness). The more smooth part of their relationship was after they got through all that.

 

People in general need to work through their problems instead of running. One of my best friends....his parents had a whole decade of rockiness but stayed together and have been in great shape for years. They've been together 40 years. People ask "how do couples make it work for 40 / 50 years? HOW DO THEY DO IT?" Umm....they work on their relationship and don't run???

 

Thank you so much for this message, I cried whilst reading it. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your friends boyfriend. Now I fee like reaching out to him even more. I know I lost him when he dumped me but i feel like he us still there it's weird. If anything happened to him is be distraught.

 

He was an ass but he would be nice too, my sister reckons though that I've made him out this king in my own head and that the 'nice' things he did like cook me dinner and let me stay at his place for a month because I had no accommodation are things that a partner should do anyway. I did nice things for him too though. I showered him with love and affection but maybe I suffocated him. He was obsessed with me at the beginning but then gradually the roles reversed and i became the one always wanting attention and love from him. I craved it. It was painful and exhausting when u didn't get it,relationship was very 1 sided for a long time. I would end up in tears because if the way he would treat me whenever he was annoyed with me. I wasn't allowed to say ANYTHING to him without him making me feel so bad. And I still loved him,even though he was so cold at times and showed no compassion. What is wrong with me???

 

He had such a good thing y his he let me go Miranda I just dont understand

Y he didn't see it as worth fighting for. I can't stop crying I've been awake for 3 hours I'm so tired. I just wana talk to him so bad

[David87]

You're on page 26 of this thread and you still want to talk to him, just do it.

[miranda_wilson]

Thank you so much for this message, I cried whilst reading it. I'm sorry to hear about what happened to your friends boyfriend. Now I fee like reaching out to him even more. I know I lost him when he dumped me but i feel like he us still there it's weird. If anything happened to him is be distraught.

 

He was an ass but he would be nice too, my sister reckons though that I've made him out this king in my own head and that the 'nice' things he did like cook me dinner and let me stay at his place for a month because I had no accommodation are things that a partner should do anyway. I did nice things for him too though. I showered him with love and affection but maybe I suffocated him. He was obsessed with me at the beginning but then gradually the roles reversed and i became the one always wanting attention and love from him. I craved it. It was painful and exhausting when u didn't get it,relationship was very 1 sided for a long time. I would end up in tears because if the way he would treat me whenever he was annoyed with me. I wasn't allowed to say ANYTHING to him without him making me feel so bad. And I still loved him,even though he was so cold at times and showed no compassion. What is wrong with me???

 

He had such a good thing y his he let me go Miranda I just dont understand

Y he didn't see it as worth fighting for. I can't stop crying I've been awake for 3 hours I'm so tired. I just wana talk to him so bad

 

He really does sound like a nightmare. I've had plenty of boyfriends in the past, and though none of them like fighting, I'd say all of them allowed me to "say something" about things. They didn't right off the bat shut me down for having a complaint or emotions about something; they showed compassion and tried (at least enough) to have some understanding of where I was coming from. They would be a little weary about the fighting, but not cold and angry like what you are talking about. This is why I think your guy is a jerk. If he is as cold as you say, he's not worth it even if he is nice sometimes too.

 

Men need to realize that having a girlfriend isn't 100% bliss all of the time. I do get that you (guys, that is) don't want a total pain in the ass, and we women need to not be pains in the ass; we need to tone it down and be more easygoing. But the guys who have girlfriends that love them...they need to realize that it's great to have that, and that you shouldn't throw it away over some fighting. At the very least, recognize your own contribution to the fighting as well. And then work on it.

 

As far as him not wanting to fight for your relationship, he just doesn't have the capacity to do so. That's his weakness or stubbornness. I think these guys (like your boyfriend) are rationalizing: "It's just useless. We've tried to work on it for so long. If things were going to change, they would have changed by now..."

 

How long were you two together? A year and a half? two years? That is nothing.

 

If people want a long-term relationship, they don't see that "whole eight months" that they had problems to be of such significance. They work at the relationship for however long is necessary and see it as something that can be improved.

 

People should top looking at the small picture of a year or a year and a half and start looking at the big picture of ten years or a lifetime, and how having problems for a year or two doesn't mean you're a doomed couple. I guarantee that couples that are celebrating their 10th, 20th, 50th anniversaries had rocky times, sometimes of a couple years or more.

 

It reminds me of some kid in high school committing suicide over how their classmates are picking on him/her. He or she does it because somehow he/she can't see beyond that school year and the very small time period in which one is in 12th grade (just nine months!). If he or she had just gotten through high school and gotten out into the real world for two years around non-high-school jerks, he or she would see that there is more to life, the possibility of relief from a difficult time. Even joy and happiness. But life had to end because of what happened in 12th grade.

Edited July 9, 2014 by miranda_wilson

[Simon Phoenix]

I really feel like sending it. Is it really a bad idea?? What if I actually feel better after?

 

It's a tragically horrible idea. You might feel a temporary high and a "got you sucker" right afterward, but that'll quickly turn into regret about unleashing the crazy again and you'll feel compelled to apologize, which will reset the cycle of suck even more.

 

It's a terrible, terrible, awful idea.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think he will because he is so unbelievably deluded and stubborn but I still feel the need to txt it. It's like I want him to feel like a fool because I genuinely think he is one and he's too far up his own ass to see it. He's so uptight I feel like I need to stand up for myself I've taken so much **** off him I'm so angry

 

He's not going to feel like a fool. Do you really think an angry, jilted lover spouting off is going to make him change his ways? He'll either laugh or call you crazy in his head, or both. Honestly, if an ex-girlfriend sent me something like that (even if it was true), it wouldn't make me rethink my life. I'd just think she was out to lunch and ignore it.

[David87]

nothing in life is "fair".

 

And nothing in life is forever, OP try to move on he wants a new life without you in it, accept that.

[BC1980]

I don't think he will because he is so unbelievably deluded and stubborn but I still feel the need to txt it. It's like I want him to feel like a fool because I genuinely think he is one and he's too far up his own ass to see it. He's so uptight I feel like I need to stand up for myself I've taken so much **** off him I'm so angry

 

How do you know he will feel like a fool? You can't control how he will feel. Believe me, I've wanted to send something to my ex telling him off, but I've never done it because he would probably shake his head and laugh, thinking I'm crazy. I won't give him that opportunity.

[requin]

Great replies, esp from miranda.

 

The problem here is that the guy is a love avoidant and HB is an anxious attachment type. But neither know it and that is a 100% guaranteed recipe for disaster.

 

HB you have to STOP emoting and get yourself some books on adult attachment styles. The one I'm reading is called "Attached: The New Science of adult Attachment and how it can help you Find and Keep Love," by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Look it up on Amazon.

 

It will open your eyes to so many things. YOu will think the authors are writing about you and your ex. You will be shocked and amazed at the way you will see that he fits a love avoidant so completely (my ex does!!!) and you are the 'anxious' type and that will fit so completely too (as I do).

 

It helps A LOT to understand these things. It probably will not get your ex back. But it will help you see why none of it was your fault (and in many ways it wasn't his fault either, because our attachment style is part of who we are.) He cannot help that he's a love avoidant BUT if you both understood your attachment styles you might have been able to do some things differently. However that takes a ton of work and maturity and willingness to work together.

 

My guy is 54 and I'm 52 (I know I keep mentioning that but it seems relevant here)...at our age you'd think we'd be like miranda says and be willing to work things out. I AM! But HE is not. Just like miranda says, my 54 year old man did the same thing as HB's young bf....ran!! Love avoidants cannot handle intimacy and will run from it sooner rather than later. They will criticize the partner they once put on a pedastal. My guy did that too but not so much out loud...I just could sense he was starting to dislike things about me (like how I look, how I dress, whatever..stupid little things that never bothered him before).

 

It's all right there in the book and when you read it you go, "AHA!"

 

It doesn't take away the pain but it does take away the need to know, "Why did he throw me away when I loved him so much!?" cuz I wanted to know that too. I still want to know that but the reason is because a love avoidant is looking for a fantasy partner, someone who does not exist, the perfect "one". They willl look all their life for that person and dump everyone they are with,trying to find her. But it's a losing battle, it's a way to avoid getting truly close w/ someone.

 

Sometimes if you can educate an avoidant on their habits, etc due to their attachment style, things can change for the better but they have to be willing (and most probably aren't). By the time we find out they're avoidants, the damage is already done, they are no longer idolizing us and are criticizing and pulling away emotionally. I wish I had known a long time ago about avoidants--I would have recognized the signs. But I didn't so I did a version of what you did (w/ a lot less drama, no crying, etc but i did ask what was wrong a lot and he never answered, only to break up 2 days after one of those talks).

 

If I had known about love avoidants I could have handled things totally differently and he might have been amenable to hearing about his issue so he would understand why he acts and feels the way he does. It might not have mattered, he still may have dumped me. But at least i would have tried the right way.

 

Now going after your ex trying to shove all this down his throat now that he's gone is NOT a good idea. I'm telling you this so you can try to calm down and understand there's a lot going on here besides just 'why doesn't he want me I am so loving and wonderful". It's not just that he's an a-hole (he might still be an a-hole). My ex is actually not an a-hole at all. My ex and I had an awesome year together, absolutely wonderful in every way. I didn't know that inside, during the last month or so, that he no longer felt I was "the one" and was already plotting to get rid of me to continue his search for that elusive dream girl who does not exist. We went out a year, and his inner fear of closeness and intimacy was getting triggered by that time, I think...it was right after our year anniversary that he got distant and broke us up. I do not think that was coincidence.

 

When I say the dream girl doesn't exist I don't mean I'm perfect , for god's sake absolutely not, there's gazillions of women who are much prettier, sexier, smarter, etc etc than I am and I'm well aware of that but the point is that love avoidants create in their mind a woman who is not real. Like you said HB, all gfs are going to get mad, get upset, want to talk, have emotions. But a love avoidant puts together a woman (in his head) who does none of the things that trigger him. There isn't anyone like that. Except maybe a manniken.

 

None of this changes the fact that i'm alone, lonely, empty, and lost w/out him, he changed everything, we were supposed to be together the rest of our lives and not have to be single and looking anymore at our age...now I'm right back where i was and I do not want to be here. I never saw the breakup coming I am shattered. Other than being a love avoidant, he truly was everything i ever wanted in a man (and that is the truth, not just rose-colored glasses or wishful thinking). But being a love avoidant is, sadly, pretty much a death sentence for the r'ship...esp if you're ignorant about it as we both were.

 

What the book and this knowledge can do is help you choose the right person next time and be aware of red flags to not get w/ an avoidant again. I know that if and when I decide to date again I'm going to be constantly vigilent.

[requin]

 

 

If people want a long-term relationship, they don't see that "whole eight months" that they had problems to be of such significance. They work at the relationship for however long is necessary and see it as something that can be improved.

 

People should top looking at the small picture of a year or a year and a half and start looking at the big picture of ten years or a lifetime, and how having problems for a year or two doesn't mean you're a doomed couple. I guarantee that couples that are celebrating their 10th, 20th, 50th anniversaries had rocky times, sometimes of a couple years or more.

 

 

So very very true.

 

My ex and I talked about the future quite often during our 'good phase'. We rarely fought. But any fights we did have, or disagreements, even stupid little things like the fact that I mute commercials when the tv is on, he was keeping score (unbeknownst to me). He was keeping a damn shopping list of all the things he didn't like, or that I "did wrong". He wouldn't talk about it, he just kept it to himself and then after 11-12 months of going out, decided I'm not "the one" and ditched me.

 

What the hell ever happened to looking at the big picture, being together forever and working things out, talking things through?? At the start he was so excited because he said he never, w/ any past woman, talked things out. It's what I do, and I did it w/ him and he said he loved it that we talked things through. Yet as time went on he stopped mentioning what bothered him. I'd try to ask what was wrong (cuz I could tell) but he wouldn't usually say much or he would hedge the real problem. How the hell can a couple fix things if one person won't speak up, won't say what it is, and won't work on it???

 

It's maddening. Esp when he was talking abuot forever w/ me before I was talking about forever w/ him! He was the one who was thinking 'happily ever after' first.

 

But now in retrospect after learning about attachment styles, i have learned that's another symptom of an avoidant. At first they think you are their dream girl and they shower you w/ love affection dreams hopes, etc. NEVER in my life had i been loved on every level like this man. Everything was just amazing. But I should have paid attention to the gnawing feeling in my gut that said "woa, it's way too fast for him to feel that strongly". But I was so wrapped up in the wonderful feelings of being loved so strongly by someone so awesome, I didn't pay attention.

 

And now I'm more damaged than I've ever been because as quickly as he could turn on the love and affection, he can turn it off and the sad thing is he doesn't feel any guilt sadness or remorse about ending our r'ship.

 

What I read is that for avoidants, some time after the breakup when they no longer feel suffocated or threatened, that's when they finally start to miss their partner and remember her good qualities. It's only after they no longer feel threatened anymore. I have no idea how long that will take for my guy, I'm guessing several months. If I have ideas to try to talk w/ him again, that would be the time to do it.

 

In the meantime I'm dying every day. By the time he's ready to miss me and might reach out, I'll probably (hopefully) be mostly over it.

 

It's ironic but that's how it works.

 

So HB if you really and truly want a chance to at least talk w/ this guy again you HAVE to leave him alone until he stops remembering the negative (which is all they think about at first) and starts to feel less threatened and remembers the good. THEn and only then will he MAYBE be willing to talk but even then you cannot go at him like a crazed infatuated love starved crazy person.

 

This is a very delicate situation that has to be handled exactly right. For the most part i keep asking myself, 'Is he worth all this?" For now, yes he still is but more and more I"m finding myself angry at times, and disgusted w/ his immature and childish and cowardly behavior. He may not understand why he does it and may not be able to help it but it's still bull**** and it's still wrong to leave a trail of broken hearts. Get some help, for god's sake, figure it out. But instead he just whines he's "cursed" and does it again. GAH!!

[miranda_wilson]

Just don't contact him, Heartbroken. He has too much emotional control over you right now. You'll see a remarkable difference in how you feel in about three months' time. You might still want him and you might still be heartbroken, but you will feel in a lot more emotional control than you do now. And you'll feel better that you had the self-control to stay away. Just get through the next few months. Write on this thread every time you feel like contacting him. Also, write in your personal journal.

[emotionalMess]

Go out and buy a hot outfit that you really like!

Yes undies too! Just tell yourself that he will never get to see you in these new clothes ! Down the road, another will but he won't!

 

 

I got rid of any Undie the ex has ever seen...

Booooya!