Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 I'll also say that your emotions will change so much from day to day that it's best to stay NC. It protects you from saying things you regret because you can't see clearly right now. It takes months to sort it all out and get to a place where you can see more objectively. By that time, you will feel so differently that a lot won't matter anymore. For the record, I told my ex I hated him the day he broke up with me. I ended up apologizing the next day, but who cares at this point. He knows I didn't mean it I'm sure, and he probably has forgotten by now. Yeah thats what I'm experiencing at the moment, its like an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I'm sad, the next i'm angry, then i feel guilty then I go back to feeling angry. It just keeps changing. I keep thinking that it was only January that I met his family, I just cant believe 6 months later and its over. Its so hard to comprehend. You would think i would have got my head round it by now, but the shock of it and disbelief just isnt going away!! I actually went to the doctors to get something for my anxiety just up until my exam on Monday, because I'm finding it so hard to concentrate, i just feel so anxious and panicked Link to post Share on other sites
lovebug_5858 Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I'll also say that your emotions will change so much from day to day that it's best to stay NC. It protects you from saying things you regret because you can't see clearly right now. It takes months to sort it all out and get to a place where you can see more objectively. By that time, you will feel so differently that a lot won't matter anymore. For the record, I told my ex I hated him the day he broke up with me. I ended up apologizing the next day, but who cares at this point. He knows I didn't mean it I'm sure, and he probably has forgotten by now. Yeah I see what you're saying... for me... It wasn't much of me owing him an apology it was just more so to show him that I am OKAY and will be okay... I don't really know how to explain it really... Pride I guess is what it comes down to. I didn't want his last memory of me to be him breaking me down to almost nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 Yeah I see what you're saying... for me... It wasn't much of me owing him an apology it was just more so to show him that I am OKAY and will be okay... I don't really know how to explain it really... Pride I guess is what it comes down to. I didn't want his last memory of me to be him breaking me down to almost nothing. I understand what you're saying LB, I just dont think he deserves it when i reflect over everything. He broke my heart so I dont feel like I am at fault. I tried so so hard to make it work and in the end i flipped. I dont even blame myself anymore. He broke up with me TWICE before an exam, what would another couple of weeks have done to just wait and speak to me then. I dont even care that it might have been my craziness that made him do it, if he cared or had a heart he wouldnt have done it the way he did, and twice for that matter. As soon as my exam is done, i REFUSE to be miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
lovebug_5858 Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I understand what you're saying LB, I just dont think he deserves it when i reflect over everything. He broke my heart so I dont feel like I am at fault. I tried so so hard to make it work and in the end i flipped. I dont even blame myself anymore. He broke up with me TWICE before an exam, what would another couple of weeks have done to just wait and speak to me then. I dont even care that it might have been my craziness that made him do it, if he cared or had a heart he wouldnt have done it the way he did, and twice for that matter. As soon as my exam is done, i REFUSE to be miserable. Only you know the details and insides and outs of your situation and break up. Whatever you feel is right for you and will help you heal is what you should do. I did what I felt was right for me and you should undoubtedly do the same. Refusing to be miserable after your exam is great but why not now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 Only you know the details and insides and outs of your situation and break up. Whatever you feel is right for you and will help you heal is what you should do. I did what I felt was right for me and you should undoubtedly do the same. Refusing to be miserable after your exam is great but why not now? I dont know, i just feel so down just now i miss him so much it actually ACHES. I hate this!!!!!!! i just wish this hadnt happened, if I hadnt gone psycho on him this wouldnt have happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I dont know, i just feel so down just now i miss him so much it actually ACHES. I hate this!!!!!!! i just wish this hadnt happened, if I hadnt gone psycho on him this wouldnt have happened. You might have "gone psycho", but you weren't the one who broke the relationship and I'm guessing he had a lot of faults in the relationship. You can't change how you acted, you can just make sure it doesn't happen again. I would keep silent with no apology -- he's not exactly apologizing for breaking your heart, so why would you apologize for some ill-advised passion? Just stay the course. You can't change the past, but you can grow from it and become better. Until time machines are invented, there's nothing you can do about what's behind you. But what's ahead of you is completely in your control. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 You might have "gone psycho", but you weren't the one who broke the relationship and I'm guessing he had a lot of faults in the relationship. You can't change how you acted, you can just make sure it doesn't happen again. I would keep silent with no apology -- he's not exactly apologizing for breaking your heart, so why would you apologize for some ill-advised passion? Just stay the course. You can't change the past, but you can grow from it and become better. Until time machines are invented, there's nothing you can do about what's behind you. But what's ahead of you is completely in your control. Thanks Simon! I feel so much better reading your post, i needed to read that to remind myself that he did have a lot of faults, I need to stop this self-pity!! Its just everyday at this time of day I start to miss him and think about him more than ever. Do you think I really will get over him? As in stop fantasizing about being intimate with him etc? I cant imagine being attracted to anyone else. Makes my stomach churn. Also can I just ask you out of curiosity from a guys perspective, do guys as 'the dumper' no matter how much they dont want to be with the dumpee, are they okay with the fact that she will move on and be intimate with another guy? Or do guys just block that out?? I mean they must have to acknowledge it when they decide they are breaking up with the girl? Link to post Share on other sites
barky2 Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 You've received a lot of great advice by the community so far but since you asked for my two cents I'll share. When y'all first broke up, he took you back out of pity, and making him feel bad. Then y'all were together and things were really on edge. Honestly he sounded like he was just waiting for the right moment to bail. Then he did. Then you hit him up knowing y'all would fool around ( maybe subconsciously thinking hey it might get him back) and y'all knock skins.... For a few days. It was a damn hump fest that lasted 5 day lol. But the thing is, he's holding his guard on not wanting to he together. And y'all hooking up made him lose some respect for you. Sorry if this is harsh but bare with me. Then you hit him up on a drunken stooper which was even more of a turn off. Your only salvation is to give him time and let his mind forget you actin like a crazy woman. Us men once we see that, were turned off for awhile.. Like " damn look at this crazy girl" Then over time, we seem to forget. So your only bet is to go nc. Let things calm. But also prepare yourself that it's over for good. Hit up your friends go out have some fun and start the path to moving on. But please don't hit him up for any reason, because I promise you, you won't get the reaction you want. I've said it a million times, if they want to talk to you..THEY have your number, or some means to get in touch with you. Move on. Let go. It does magical things once you do. Im living proof. Barky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I dont know, i just feel so down just now i miss him so much it actually ACHES. I hate this!!!!!!! i just wish this hadnt happened, if I hadnt gone psycho on him this wouldnt have happened. You will miss him whether or not you acted "psycho." I think you mainly want to apologize to look good in his eyes, not because you are sorry. You might feel a little remorse, but the overriding reason here is how he will view you. It's basically the same reason I tried to leave things on a good note with my ex, but it actually makes you look weaker to apologize again or contact again. It's better for yourself to project that you don't care what he thinks. You'll regret it later if you apologize because you will see, in time, that he doesn't care. You will regret that you showed him you cared because he knows you aren't okay. He knows you are emotional because that's normal. If you apologize, he knows your motive is to look strong when you aren't. It's the worst thing you can do on all fronts. At the very least, he will be annoyed that you contacted him. Harsh but the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 You will miss him whether or not you acted "psycho." I think you mainly want to apologize to look good in his eyes, not because you are sorry. You might feel a little remorse, but the overriding reason here is how he will view you. It's basically the same reason I tried to leave things on a good note with my ex, but it actually makes you look weaker to apologize again or contact again. It's better for yourself to project that you don't care what he thinks. You'll regret it later if you apologize because you will see, in time, that he doesn't care. You will regret that you showed him you cared because he knows you aren't okay. He knows you are emotional because that's normal. If you apologize, he knows your motive is to look strong when you aren't. It's the worst thing you can do on all fronts. At the very least, he will be annoyed that you contacted him. Harsh but the truth. What do you do when you miss your ex?? I cant stop thinking about him, i'm okay for 2 minutes then he enters my head again. I'ts like I'm so desperate to reach out to him, I know I cant but i just miss him so much. I cant believe he doesnt miss me the same way, if he did he would get in contact with me. He doesnt though. I can see his face so clearly in my head, I keep thinking about all the good times. This is absolute torture!!!!!!! Its like serious withdrawals Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 Thanks Simon! I feel so much better reading your post, i needed to read that to remind myself that he did have a lot of faults, I need to stop this self-pity!! Its just everyday at this time of day I start to miss him and think about him more than ever. Do you think I really will get over him? As in stop fantasizing about being intimate with him etc? I cant imagine being attracted to anyone else. Makes my stomach churn. Yeah, you'll get over him. It doesn't seem like it right now, but eventually those fantasies will fade and you'll find someone else that tickles your fancy. This won't happen overnight, or even a month or two from now, but it will happen. I mean, you've had boyfriends before I assume and you've gotten over them. This one will be the same, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. It just takes time -- there's no "get rich quick" strategy here. Also can I just ask you out of curiosity from a guys perspective, do guys as 'the dumper' no matter how much they dont want to be with the dumpee, are they okay with the fact that she will move on and be intimate with another guy? Or do guys just block that out?? I mean they must have to acknowledge it when they decide they are breaking up with the girl? I'm not sure why you are asking this, but honestly, if I'm dumping a girl I couldn't care less who she's sleeping with after me. I'm also very different in that I see sex as a physical act. Even with the girl who brought me here by dumping me the thought of her hooking up with other guys didn't really bother me -- I was hooking up with other girls in an attempt to try to ease my pain, so it would have been hypocritical of me to be pissed at her if she did the same (no clue if she did or didn't because I had no interest in keeping tabs on her). The thing that would bother me much more is sharing more loving interpersonal experiences, such as taking a weekend trip to go wine-tasting, walking the beach hand and hand, silly romantic crap like that. That bothers me a lot more than a girl wanting to "get it in", so to speak. That being said, if I dumped a girl, I wouldn't care if she was doing those things with another guy either. A guy might check in to see if he could get some from you (which it sounds like your ex already did with the extended sex romp) but otherwise, if he let you loose he probably doesn't really care what you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
lovebug_5858 Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 That being said, if I dumped a girl, I wouldn't care if she was doing those things with another guy either. A guy might check in to see if he could get some from you (which it sounds like your ex already did with the extended sex romp) but otherwise, if he let you loose he probably doesn't really care what you are doing. Crude, but needed perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 What do you do when you miss your ex?? I cant stop thinking about him, i'm okay for 2 minutes then he enters my head again. I'ts like I'm so desperate to reach out to him, I know I cant but i just miss him so much. I cant believe he doesnt miss me the same way, if he did he would get in contact with me. He doesnt though. I can see his face so clearly in my head, I keep thinking about all the good times. This is absolute torture!!!!!!! Its like serious withdrawals I usually divert my thoughts. It's not so hard anymore because I've been NC for so long that he is rarely ever relevant to my life. A lot of it is like breaking a habit oddly enough. I think of him everyday, but it's in a passing way. I've just become so detached from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emotionalMess Posted June 26, 2014 Share Posted June 26, 2014 Don't make the mistake I made. NC for months then broke it, back to square one. NC for months again then broke it, back to worse than square one. NC means complete blocking. It's very difficult to do, but do it. Otherwise you will be back on this forum months from now telling us how you messed up made contact, and its like the day of the breakup all over again. I wish I knew then what I know now. Don't do it. The sadness, guilt, anger etc.. its all normal. They say breaking up with a loved one is like as if you are mourning a death and it is very true. Dumpers wont understand this. You have to go through these stages. You are smart and already made more progress than the majority of people have in the first days \ weeks. Trust these people on LS. Review the stories and how human behavior during breakups is highly predictable and consistent. You need time and space. You can do this! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Share Posted June 26, 2014 Don't make the mistake I made. NC for months then broke it, back to square one. NC for months again then broke it, back to worse than square one. NC means complete blocking. It's very difficult to do, but do it. Otherwise you will be back on this forum months from now telling us how you messed up made contact, and its like the day of the breakup all over again. I wish I knew then what I know now. Don't do it. The sadness, guilt, anger etc.. its all normal. They say breaking up with a loved one is like as if you are mourning a death and it is very true. Dumpers wont understand this. You have to go through these stages. You are smart and already made more progress than the majority of people have in the first days \ weeks. Trust these people on LS. Review the stories and how human behavior during breakups is highly predictable and consistent. You need time and space. You can do this! Thanks EM, I wont contact him. I know it would make me feel 100 times worse than I'm feeling now because I wouldnt get the response i'm looking for. I need to work on myself, i just cant wait till my exam is done. I'm feeling so anxious and nervous and on top of that I cant stop thinking about him when I'm trying to focus and concentrate on my studying. I dont think he will ever understand how much he hurt me, and I dont think he will ever care enough. I hope that he goes through the same feelings as I have one day with someone else, and only then will he know how it feels. I'm feeling sad every day, i cant wait to get back to the ahppy bubbly person I once used to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Share Posted June 26, 2014 I usually divert my thoughts. It's not so hard anymore because I've been NC for so long that he is rarely ever relevant to my life. A lot of it is like breaking a habit oddly enough. I think of him everyday, but it's in a passing way. I've just become so detached from him. Hey BC, yeah I'm trying to but because I am just sitting and studying for an exam its so so hard not to think about him. I cant seem to focus or block my thoughts out, my mind keeps wandering. Eugh. I cant wait till I feel detached from him. He doesnt deserve any of my feelings Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 Hey guys, I'm feeling really weak just now!! I feel like I'm gona cave and message him, i miss him so much its unreal. Please say things to me to stop me from doing this. I cant do it I'l regret it after. I just miss him so much Help me! Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 (edited) Hey guys, I'm feeling really weak just now!! I feel like I'm gona cave and message him, i miss him so much its unreal. Please say things to me to stop me from doing this. I cant do it I'l regret it after. I just miss him so much Help me! What would you text him? If you did, what response would you hope for? And if you don't get a response, how would you feel? What if he's rude or unkind, how would you feel? Would it be worth it? What if he's nice but doesn't give you the relief that you want? You end up feeling more pain no matter what. You can break contact but remember this, once you hit SEND, you spiral down again because regardless of the response, you're going to be 10 times more hurt than what you feel now. It's a temporary fix. You may feel good if he responds well, but tomorrow or hours later, you still end up being in the same place that you are right now. And that is going to pain you immensely. The situation won't change. Set a timeline. You will give yourself till the end of the day to let it pass. And it will pass. I promise you, it will pass. Do not react when you are feeling this way. You have to control and manage it so that the next time this wave hits you, you'll be confident in knowing that you can manage it and believe that it will pass again. Don't do it. Trust me. Let it pass. Grit your teeth. Go to a friend's house. Take a run. Call your mom. Do something to distract you. Edited June 27, 2014 by Zahara 4 Link to post Share on other sites
emotionalMess Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Yes, one day he will understand, it is a certainty. Years back I dumped my girlfriend of 3 years. Mostly because she was my first serious relationship and I could not commit to the first. She did not do well with it. OD'd on pills and ended up in the ER. I was there for her but I knew it was over for me. Guess what happened to me? Karma came back around and I was dumped. He will get dumped one day and realize what you went through. If I were a betting man I would predict after your (months) of NC he will try to re-connect and you will refuse based on how you will feel about him at that point. At that point, he will endure what you have and probably worse. Thanks EM, I wont contact him. I know it would make me feel 100 times worse than I'm feeling now because I wouldnt get the response i'm looking for. I need to work on myself, i just cant wait till my exam is done. I'm feeling so anxious and nervous and on top of that I cant stop thinking about him when I'm trying to focus and concentrate on my studying. I dont think he will ever understand how much he hurt me, and I dont think he will ever care enough. I hope that he goes through the same feelings as I have one day with someone else, and only then will he know how it feels. I'm feeling sad every day, i cant wait to get back to the ahppy bubbly person I once used to be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 What would you text him? If you did, what response would you hope for? And if you don't get a response, how would you feel? What if he's rude or unkind, how would you feel? Would it be worth it? What if he's nice but doesn't give you the relief that you want? You end up feeling more pain no matter what. You can break contact but remember this, once you hit SEND, you spiral down again because regardless of the response, you're going to be 10 times more hurt than what you feel now. It's a temporary fix. You may feel good if he responds well, but tomorrow or hours later, you still end up being in the same place that you are right now. And that is going to pain you immensely. The situation won't change. Set a timeline. You will give yourself till the end of the day to let it pass. And it will pass. I promise you, it will pass. Do not react when you are feeling this way. You have to control and manage it so that the next time this wave hits you, you'll be confident in knowing that you can manage it and believe that it will pass again. Don't do it. Trust me. Let it pass. Grit your teeth. Go to a friend's house. Take a run. Call your mom. Do something to distract you. Thanks Zahara, I really needed to read that. You are SO right, i just needed to be told. I cant do it, I'l feel 100 times worse after and it wont change a single thing. I have an exam in 3 days, i think i'm feeling even more worried and anxious, and normally i would reach out to him. I know I cant now though, its just weird not being able to speak to him. U go from speaking to someone every single day to nothing. It feels so drastic. thanks for your words of wisdom, I def will not message him now. I know I need to control myself Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 Yes, one day he will understand, it is a certainty. Years back I dumped my girlfriend of 3 years. Mostly because she was my first serious relationship and I could not commit to the first. She did not do well with it. OD'd on pills and ended up in the ER. I was there for her but I knew it was over for me. Guess what happened to me? Karma came back around and I was dumped. He will get dumped one day and realize what you went through. If I were a betting man I would predict after your (months) of NC he will try to re-connect and you will refuse based on how you will feel about him at that point. At that point, he will endure what you have and probably worse. Hey EM, the weird thing is when he told me it was over (before I spent 5 days with him) I didnt speak to him for 4 days and he freaked out and sent me messages saying he was devastated and to please talk to him. He didnt go crazy by all means, NOTHING like the way i behaved, but still he was upset and I felt bad so I got called him, but he still decided that the 'right' thing to do was to break up. Then the tables turned and I ended up going crazy. I do think he will probably try and get in touch one day, but i think it will purely be to ease his guilt and apologise for the way things ended. I dont think it will be anything more than that. Despite him being emotionally unavailable and cold, he is very rational and everything is black and white. He thinks logically about everything and uses his head when making decisions, ot his heart. I'm the complete opposite, I want to try and fix things and fight for something I believe in but he bails as soon as something is too tough for him. Sorry for ranting here. I guess I still am struggling with the fact he gave up on us. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionalMess Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Sounds Familiar - Stay Away Even moreso important that you stay away now. Mine had another waiting in the wings. Lets see if he later tries to put you in the friend-zone. Don't ever accept that no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Thanks Zahara, I really needed to read that. You are SO right, i just needed to be told. I cant do it, I'l feel 100 times worse after and it wont change a single thing. I have an exam in 3 days, i think i'm feeling even more worried and anxious, and normally i would reach out to him. I know I cant now though, its just weird not being able to speak to him. U go from speaking to someone every single day to nothing. It feels so drastic. thanks for your words of wisdom, I def will not message him now. I know I need to control myself If you have exams in 3 days, you don't want to do anything that may jeopardize how you function from now till then. Contact may send you over the edge again so try to stay away from anything that can affect you. Just try to stay focused on these next three days. One day at a time. I understand not speaking to someone that you're grown accustomed to. But you have to start on a different routine now and start reaching out to others to help you. In time you will decrease your dependence on him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Do you have any close friends you can hang out with or talk to when you get like this? Or family members? I think you need to build up a support system that has nothing to do with him so you aren't prone to these types of self-destructive impulses. It's great you aren't acting on them, but if you keep having them to this extent, the odds of you slipping up and putting yourself in a world of hurt becomes greater. As for the fighting thing, unfortunately he did not believe in the relationship like you did. And you fight for the relationship during the relationship, not when it's over. That's the wrong time to fight. Either way, you'll be fine, but you need to start taking some measures to build up your support base. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 27, 2014 Author Share Posted June 27, 2014 I feel so broken inside. I KNOW i sound pathetic and i feel pathetic but I'm so heartbroken. I cant believe he hasnt regretted his decision I honestly am in disbelief over it. I thought he would come to his senses, I cant stop looking up his friends on facebook and snooping to see if he's out having fun. Course he is, course he doesnt care. He is so sure that he has done the right thing and i hate him for that. I hate him for bailing. I need to get a grip of myself, what is wrong with me i'm so angry at myself for feeling like this. I dont wana feel so low. I hate that i miss him even after he hurt me. I just hate this, i'm a breaking point. A lot of my friends are mutual friends with him so I cant talk to them, its so so hard. Link to post Share on other sites
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