! Lost all dignity and self respect

[mangetout]

What really helped me in the initial months of the break up was to read a lot of self help books on topics about self esteem and recovering from breakups.

 

 

Start reading them as they make a lot of sense. It will help you to understand your pain.

 

 

But believe me that time will heal you. You will be in a better place as months go.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hi emotional mess, that is very accurate. I am definitely clinging on to him and that is not in any way going to help me in the process of letting go. Every time I think good thoughts about him I need to ultimately ensure I snap out of it and remember all the times I cried after we argued.

 

It is one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with, and I hate to say it but maybe it has a lot to do with my ego being crushed too, because I'm like 'I was out of his league and he still left me' I know PATHETIC but I cant stop thinking things like that. Honestly the effort he went to to chase me at the beginning just makes me think wow who was that nice charming guy? But i guess we got so swept away in all the fun we were having.

 

In my eyes I thought that being in a long term relationship meant yes of course you have fun and enjoy it, but are u not also meant to be there for each other during the arguments and fall outs? I mean he would get so freaked out if i got upset or emotional, and his response 9 times out of 10 was so cold and just plain emotionless or angry. I was never allowed to be annoyed at him about ANYTHING, if i was he would put me in my place and punish me for it.

 

Sorry for the rant here I just feel so frustrated that he didnt want to take any responsibility for it or even want to address the fact that maybe he does need to change a bit. I think he obviously just isnt ready to be in a serious relationship and commit and so didnt see me as worth fighting for.

 

I keep taking it so personally though!!!!!! He said to me that everything is drama, but I see it as when there was drama it was because of the way he responded to me which hurt me and made me go mad. How do you stop torturing yourself with all these thoughts???

[Heartbroken_84]

Hi mangetout, okay I guess your situation is different to mine. My ex told me that he just wasn't happy anymore that he 'wasn't enjoying it' and 'everything is drama' oh and that 'his feelings have changed' and this was a few days after I had spent 5 really nice days with him.

 

The frustration!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Please will you answer this one question for me which I am really struggling with, maybe more so than the actual break up itself, I dont know I'm not sure.

 

But how do you forgive yourself for the crazy behaviour?????? That is I mean before you knew the break up was going to happen and then immediately after. How do you stop being so hard on yourself???? All i keep thinking of how crazy he is gona think I am and that that is his last impression of me. It bothers me so much because I know I am not that person. i know I acted that way but i'm not that person, so what happened to me????? How could I degrade myself and stoop so low. I don't want to be remembered as a crazy psycho cause I'm not. Its so annoying!!

 

I'm so disappointed in myself!!

[Heartbroken_84]

Also I'm not sure what to do, I feel like I cant unfriend him on facebook or block him because I am friends with his sister and at least 20 of his friends.

 

What do i do?? I cant delete or block all of his friends thats just madness but if i delete or block him then I will still have all his friends and his sister on it. I dont know what I should do

 

Please give me some advice guys.

 

Also I tool my relationship status off so thats a start i guess and I am never going to contact him. That I know of 100%.

[umirano]

I had the same problem. First I just unsubscribed from their feeds. I just couldn't stand seeing her in their photos or liking or commenting. But Then I'd still see them on in the buddy list and being reminded of her. I eventually had to remove them. Whatever. I figured if she's not going to be the woman at my side for the rest of my life, why should I be talking to her family or friends. They were nice people, it's nothing against them. They will understand. Otherwise they can always shoot a message, but it should be clear that it's because of the BU.

[Elle1975]

I guess if i was more secure and happy in myself I would have walked away with my head held high, and now I cant even do that.

 

Bollocks.. you can do that still. You just have to start working on yourself today. You will have this feeling that you walked away "clean" after all, no worries. As long as you actively start working on yourself.

[Tally123]

Why is it madness deleting him, and more importantly his friends off of Facebook. They're his friends right? I deleted my ex and every other person on my FB that I knew through him. Not to get back at him, not to be petty or to prove a point. I done it because I had to. Granted it took me a month to finally do it, but when you do do it, you will feel that you are taking hold of the situation.

 

It is still very early days for you, but you need to get out of the mindset that you cant delete him and his friends. You can and to help you, you must!

 

T

[mangetout]

But how do you forgive yourself for the crazy behaviour?????? That is I mean before you knew the break up was going to happen and then immediately after. How do you stop being so hard on yourself???? All i keep thinking of how crazy he is gona think I am and that that is his last impression of me. It bothers me so much because I know I am not that person. i know I acted that way but i'm not that person, so what happened to me????? How could I degrade myself and stoop so low. I don't want to be remembered as a crazy psycho cause I'm not. Its so annoying!!

 

I'm so disappointed in myself!!

 

You need to change your thought process. You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and punishing yourself. Become proactive and change.This is the only way to forgive yourself.

 

 

The first thing you will have to accept that this "crazy" person is you. Its you reacting to an extreme situation when all your buttons are pushed.Its a part of you that you are not proud of so its something to work on. You have to learn to control this. Use what happened as a lesson to improve yourself. Become aware of what makes you panic and observe the way you react and then focus to react differently by perhaps taking a breather away from the situation. Rather than react immediately from your emotions, think about why you are behaving this way.

 

 

By trying to change yourself you will automactically love yourself more, therefor you will eventually forgive yourself.

 

 

Its been an ongoing process for me but I am finally able to practise the new me with my ex and I have greatly improved. There has already been a few incidents in our reconciliation when I would have normally panicked. But I have remained as cool as a cucumber...

I like this new me ;-)

 

 

As for your ex thinking you are crazy....well perhaps he does initially but as time goes by he will remember the good sides of you.

 

 

Have you already apologised to him for your behaviour and explained why you reacted that way?

[Zahara]

Also I'm not sure what to do, I feel like I cant unfriend him on facebook or block him because I am friends with his sister and at least 20 of his friends.

 

What do i do?? I cant delete or block all of his friends thats just madness but if i delete or block him then I will still have all his friends and his sister on it. I dont know what I should do

 

Please give me some advice guys.

 

Also I tool my relationship status off so thats a start i guess and I am never going to contact him. That I know of 100%.

 

It's called self-preservation. It means you remove yourself from anything and anyone that may trigger or remind you of your pain and hurt from this relationship. It's an important part of healing.

 

It's HIS friends. It's HIS family. HE has ended HIS tie with you, therefore, you end that tie as well with him, HIS family and HIS friends. There is no reason for you to have these people on your FB as potential triggers/reminders.

[Heartbroken_84]

Yeah i guess thats true. Its horrible knowing I was capable of resorting to that level. Well on the Thursday night and all of Friday I was drinking (and I dont drink a lot) so was sending him messages non stop saying i hated him and never wanted to see him again etc, then saying things like i hated myself for him not loving me and that I was gona drink all day to numb the pain.

 

OMG actually typing this is making me feel so mortified.

 

Anyway, then on Saturday I panicked so sent him voice messages apologising, and a really long facebook message telling him i would leave him alone. Did i though? NO. On Sunday when I didnt hear from him i freaked out and I lost my head. One minute I was begging and pleading, next minute I was angry saying how could u walk away fro this, then I sent him crazy messages all of Sunday night even when he wasn't replying saying please dont do this i love u i miss u how could u do this etc. I cant believe the sheer desperation and neediness that I portrayed it makes me feel sick and so embarrassed.

 

I blew up his phone basically. He must have woken up Monday morning and just been so overwhelmed and freaked out at the things I was saying, especially after my drunken crazy texts on the Friday. He said that my behaviour was crazy and it wasnt normal to get this hysterical and send 100s of messages and said to get a hold of myself.

 

I couldnt face replying after what I did so I left it. I thought leaving him alone was the best way to apologise tbh. Cause thats what he wanted for so long but I wasnt listening or accepting it. The fact that he messaged me saying his feelings have changed and that he was pleading with me to leave him alone and I still kept going on and on like a lunatic I think will haunt me forever!!!!!! Ive left him alone for 4 days now which I know isnt long but I know I wont contact him again.

 

I know it was me that acted crazy and I need to accept it but can someone not be pushed by a persons lack of compassion and coldness that makes them explode? Does it mean I really am unstable and crazy? I dont think I am generally though, I havent acted that way with anyone before. I'm not trying to shift the blame here I know I am responsible for my own actions, all I'm saying is that can a person not be driven to act that way to a certain extent?

[Elle1975]

Yeah i guess thats true. Its horrible knowing I was capable of resorting to that level. Well on the Thursday night and all of Friday I was drinking (and I dont drink a lot) so was sending him messages non stop saying i hated him and never wanted to see him again etc, then saying things like i hated myself for him not loving me and that I was gona drink all day to numb the pain.

 

OMG actually typing this is making me feel so mortified.

 

Anyway, then on Saturday I panicked so sent him voice messages apologising, and a really long facebook message telling him i would leave him alone. Did i though? NO. On Sunday when I didnt hear from him i freaked out and I lost my head. One minute I was begging and pleading, next minute I was angry saying how could u walk away fro this, then I sent him crazy messages all of Sunday night even when he wasn't replying saying please dont do this i love u i miss u how could u do this etc. I cant believe the sheer desperation and neediness that I portrayed it makes me feel sick and so embarrassed.

 

I blew up his phone basically. He must have woken up Monday morning and just been so overwhelmed and freaked out at the things I was saying, especially after my drunken crazy texts on the Friday. He said that my behaviour was crazy and it wasnt normal to get this hysterical and send 100s of messages and said to get a hold of myself.

 

I couldnt face replying after what I did so I left it. I thought leaving him alone was the best way to apologise tbh. Cause thats what he wanted for so long but I wasnt listening or accepting it. The fact that he messaged me saying his feelings have changed and that he was pleading with me to leave him alone and I still kept going on and on like a lunatic I think will haunt me forever!!!!!! Ive left him alone for 4 days now which I know isnt long but I know I wont contact him again.

 

I know it was me that acted crazy and I need to accept it but can someone not be pushed by a persons lack of compassion and coldness that makes them explode? Does it mean I really am unstable and crazy? I dont think I am generally though, I havent acted that way with anyone before. I'm not trying to shift the blame here I know I am responsible for my own actions, all I'm saying is that can a person not be driven to act that way to a certain extent?

 

I think that leaving him alone is the best way to apologize too. Smart.

 

Some personality types are attracted to others. Doesn't mean they're a match. I am lively but calm, I used to be attracted to the "loud" kind of guys. They're proactive, passionate, etc.. problem with this? They make drama out of everything.. ugh.. not for me.

 

Just pick the right type of personality that will make you happy in the long run.

 

And defriend everybody. It took me three days. I defriended him and went out to take a breather. No point in keeping your ex around. I know you think that doing so will blow up your chances at a reconciliation, but it's the other way around.

[Heartbroken_84]

Hi Elle, can i just ask though will deleting him and all of his friends not make me look even more crazy and dramatic and weak???

 

And how did you muster up the strength to do it?

 

I am literally sitting at my laptop falling to pieces, cant stop crying i'm devastated that its come to this. One minute I'm everything to him, the next minute I have to delete him out of my life. Its so diffcult

[Zahara]

I know it was me that acted crazy and I need to accept it but can someone not be pushed by a persons lack of compassion and coldness that makes them explode?

 

In your desperation to feel validated, the more he denied you those things, the more you tried to grasp for it -- that he still had some emotion left in him to comfort you. You wanted it so badly that every negative response, provoked a reaction from you to fight for it more. I've done it before.

 

Does it mean I really am unstable and crazy?

 

No, it means you were highly emotional -- desperate, hurt, anxious and driven by panic.

[Zahara]

Hi Elle, can i just ask though will deleting him and all of his friends not make me look even more crazy and dramatic and weak???

 

Self-preservation isn't about how you look to others. It's about you protecting yourself from further hurt and pain. It will look like the normal thing to do when they know you are hurt and coping with heartbreak.

 

And how did you muster up the strength to do it?

 

I am literally sitting at my laptop falling to pieces, cant stop crying i'm devastated that its come to this. One minute I'm everything to him, the next minute I have to delete him out of my life. Its so diffcult

 

It is difficult. But the sooner you do it, the sooner you get to put this behind you and heal. Keeping them on there is an indefinite stabbing of the heart as you are witness to his life and his moving on.

[Heartbroken_84]

Zahara you honestly have hit the nail in the head there. Thats exactly what it was, and its weird now I am in my senses I am aware of that and shocked at myself. Just a pity its too late. I guess all I can do now is learn from it and help it to make me a better person in the future.

 

Do you really believe that deleting him and his friends and family is the right thing to do? And that it doesnt make me look even crazier and dramatic?

 

I know deep down as much as it pains me to say this that I think i have to in order to help me move on. Its just so scary though because as soon as I do this it means he is completely out my life for good and I have to let go. I'm finding it so so hard to accept.

[Zahara]

Zahara you honestly have hit the nail in the head there. Thats exactly what it was, and its weird now I am in my senses I am aware of that and shocked at myself. Just a pity its too late. I guess all I can do now is learn from it and help it to make me a better person in the future.

 

Of course, you're now calm and of clear thinking. In that moment when you are hurting, rational thought and behavior goes out the door. You're not the only one that has done this.

 

Do you really believe that deleting him and his friends and family is the right thing to do? And that it doesnt make me look even crazier and dramatic?

 

The right thing to do for YOU. Put aside what you believe they may think of you. How will you feel when/if tomorrow he puts up a post of himself and a new girl? How will you feel when you see HIS friends and HIS family, congratulating him and telling him what a catch she is? How will you feel when you see him partying and having a good ole time with his new life? Now, do the opinions of these people who have 100% loyalty to him make a difference because they wouldn't care a damn if it's hurting you or not. These people aren't your family, they aren't your friends.

 

I know deep down as much as it pains me to say this that I think i have to in order to help me move on. Its just so scary though because as soon as I do this it means he is completely out my life for good and I have to let go. I'm finding it so so hard to accept.

 

Breaking up with you was him removing you out of his life and you having to let go. Don't place so much significance on what you do on a social site.

Edited June 19, 2014 by Zahara

[Heartbroken_84]

I did it. I deleted him and his friends from facebook.

 

I know its only a social media site but that was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I'm sobbing right now I feel like someone has ripped my heart to pieces.

 

Please be there guys I'm just so devastated.

[Zahara]

I did it. I deleted him and his friends from facebook.

 

I know its only a social media site but that was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done. I'm sobbing right now I feel like someone has ripped my heart to pieces.

 

Please be there guys I'm just so devastated.

 

Hun, you can't see this but it took tremendous courage and strength to do what you just did. The many people that post on here who open themselves up to hurt because they're afraid to take and make those important steps to help them heal and move on -- you've just taken a huge step towards loving yourself and protecting your emotional and mental wellbeing.

 

I know it hurts. It feels like you've lost that tie to him. The finality is hard to accept. It's all very normal to feel but I promise you that this is the best thing that you could have done for yourself.

[mangetout]

Well done heartbroken. This is the first step to your recovery

[jphcbpa]

Great job...you must make your serenity the # 1 priority!!!

[Heartbroken_84]

Thank you Zahara and mangetout and everyone else for their kind words.

 

Maybe I am feeling really emotional just now but you guys being so kind has helped me a tremendous amount. I cant believe you are all strangers but you take the time out to listen and read my posts and be there for me and the many other people out there. I think it is so touching.

 

I wish i had come across this forum before I went crazy but i guess I cant change that now. I really want to feel better, I know it is gona take time but I just wish I could fast track it. I guess everyone does though when they are going through this.

 

Do you think that I will get over him? Even though I thought he was the love of my life? How do I stop torturing myself imagining him with another girl? I just cant imagine him getting with anyone nicer than me in terms of how caring I was towards him.

[mangetout]

I know it was me that acted crazy and I need to accept it but can someone not be pushed by a persons lack of compassion and coldness that makes them explode? Does it mean I really am unstable and crazy? I dont think I am generally though, I havent acted that way with anyone before. I'm not trying to shift the blame here I know I am responsible for my own actions, all I'm saying is that can a person not be driven to act that way to a certain extent?

 

Yes certain people can push certain buttons in people. But it's still you. It still comes from your core being. This is the way you react when someone you love rejects you. This is you dealing with rejection. Your imsecurities come screaming out and you have literally exploded with emotions.

 

I have done it so many times I can't count.

 

BUT.

 

If my reconciliation doesn't work out with my ex and he dumps me again, I will graciously let him go. No fight. No explosion of emotions. I will say ok and wish him all the best. This is the new me that I intend to keep.

 

You live and learn

[mangetout]

Thank you Zahara and mangetout and everyone else for their kind words.

 

Maybe I am feeling really emotional just now but you guys being so kind has helped me a tremendous amount. I cant believe you are all strangers but you take the time out to listen and read my posts and be there for me and the many other people out there. I think it is so touching.

 

I wish i had come across this forum before I went crazy but i guess I cant change that now. I really want to feel better, I know it is gona take time but I just wish I could fast track it. I guess everyone does though when they are going through this.

 

Do you think that I will get over him? Even though I thought he was the love of my life? How do I stop torturing myself imagining him with another girl? I just cant imagine him getting with anyone nicer than me in terms of how caring I was towards him.

 

Can you start ordering some self help books? Reading kept me focused when I was going nuts with thoughts like yours

[mangetout]

Gosh. Reading your posts remind me so much of my state of mind seven months ago. I was soooo lost. Soooo heartbroken. How could I live life without this man. Impossible I thought.

 

Well you can! Trust me you will! I am such a different person now. I don't have this fear and pain you are feeling. I have acceptance and feel fine with it.

 

This will happen to you too.

[Zahara]

Do you think that I will get over him? Even though I thought he was the love of my life? How do I stop torturing myself imagining him with another girl? I just cant imagine him getting with anyone nicer than me in terms of how caring I was towards him.

 

Yes, 1000 times, yes! You will get over him, slowly but surely. Even if he is the love of your life. You may look back one day and remember him fondly but without the pain and disappointment you feel now.

 

Thinking of him with another woman will enter your mind. The only way to control that is to stop your thoughts. Whenever you think about it, do/think of something that distracts you.