My (not unique) story...

[shermanator]

So, about 18 months ago, I started noticing a woman at my gym... I didn't even go out of my way to talk to her for a long time, just found myself looking for her and getting bummed when she wasn't there. I considered leaving the gym, but couldn't bring myself to do it. It's a small gym and all the members know each other, so it was easy to have casual communication.

 

About seven months ago, we eventually started talking more, texting, etc, until she was all I was thinking about... after five months of talking/texting/visiting her at her place, we finally caved in and slept together. We were only together, off and on, six or seven times, until we couldn't take the guilt anymore... we agreed to step back until I figured out what to do with my marriage. She's told me that she loves me and can see a life with me and my kids - understanding how messy things might be.

 

My wife (married 12 years, 3 kids) has no idea, I think... she's noticed me being distracted and we haven't had sex in a while (but that's not totally uncommon - we've had some dry spells during the last 12 years), but she hasn't accused me of anything.

 

I know all the cliches... it won't work with the new woman, it's lust, etc. The OW and I have even talked about our relationship is just a fantasy right now - no bills, no daily routine, no boredom, etc, but that hasn't stopped anything or put a damper on me wanting to be with her.

 

I tried to ignore my feelings for so long, but something kept pulling me toward this other woman... I didn't even think my marriage was awful, but something must have been missing for me to take this step.

 

I know my story isn't special, but I'm just looking for some feedback from someone who's been through the same thing. I've left the gym and I'm not talking/texting with the OW right now, but nothing has changed... I'm still dying to be with her.

[sweet_pea]

Be honest with your wife. She deserves to know what her husband is doing. She also deserves to have a say in what is happening in her marriage, which you (and OW) haven't afforded her. Tell her so that the two of you can come to an agreement on how to handle the marriage, be it divorce or reconciliation. If you are dying to be with the OW, then maybe divorce is for you? That way you can be with her and your wife can find someone that will love/cherish her and treat her right.

[BeholdtheMan]

I know my story isn't special, but I'm just looking for some feedback from someone who's been through the same thing. I've left the gym and I'm not talking/texting with the OW right now, but nothing has changed... I'm still dying to be with her.

 

H-O-N-E-S-T-Y

 

...and maybe divorce depending on how you feel and how your wife takes the news of your extramarital sex

[BrokenPrincess]

If you know that the premise of your story isn't unique, then you know the ending probably won't be either. If you decide to actually take action & tell your W you want a divorce, you'll see how much pain she's in, she'll want to try to work it out, plus neither of you want your 3 kids to suffer being from a broken home. And when faces with the reality if leaving your decent wife/mother of your kids, suddenly 12 years of "not that bad" looks awfully salvageable!

 

You feel bad but your fantasy fun bubble has popped so you tell the OW you're very sorry but you owe it to your family to try again. She ends up heartbroken on the Other Wiman forum questioning everything about your relationship.

 

The End.

 

(If you don't believe me, just take a couple hours reading past threads of TOW/OM board)

[shermanator]

Be honest with your wife. She deserves to know what her husband is doing. She also deserves to have a say in what is happening in her marriage, which you (and OW) haven't afforded her. Tell her so that the two of you can come to an agreement on how to handle the marriage, be it divorce or reconciliation. If you are dying to be with the OW, then maybe divorce is for you? That way you can be with her and your wife can find someone that will love/cherish her and treat her right.

 

If she doesn't suspect anything, why should I break her heart and be honest with her about what I've done? I don't know what I want (to stay or to be with the OW), so I feel like I'm paralyzed right now.

[shermanator]

H-O-N-E-S-T-Y

 

...and maybe divorce depending on how you feel and how your wife takes the news of your extramarital sex

 

Really, I think the OW is the only person I've ever been 100% honest with in my entire life. I was a drunk and lied to my wife about my drinking (and other things) for the first 9 years of our marriage. I've been honest with the OW about everything...

 

The idea of coming clean with my W makes me sick... but the idea of the OW finding another man makes me feel even worse.

[shermanator]

If you know that the premise of your story isn't unique, then you know the ending probably won't be either. If you decide to actually take action & tell your W you want a divorce, you'll see how much pain she's in, she'll want to try to work it out, plus neither of you want your 3 kids to suffer being from a broken home. And when faces with the reality if leaving your decent wife/mother of your kids, suddenly 12 years of "not that bad" looks awfully salvageable!

 

You feel bad but your fantasy fun bubble has popped so you tell the OW you're very sorry but you owe it to your family to try again. She ends up heartbroken on the Other Wiman forum questioning everything about your relationship.

 

The End.

 

(If you don't believe me, just take a couple hours reading past threads of TOW/OM board)

 

I've read a lot of threads and spent a lot of time in IC... The OW and I have already decided that I should make an honest effort with my family to see if I can work it out...... but I don't really want to try right now bc I can't stop thinking about the OW. I was drawn to her for so long before I said anything, it's been impossible for me to just turn off my feelings.

[sweet_pea]

If she doesn't suspect anything, why should I break her heart and be honest with her about what I've done? I don't know what I want (to stay or to be with the OW), so I feel like I'm paralyzed right now.

 

Because it's the right thing to do and your wife deserves to know who she is married to and what is going on in her own marriage.

 

It seems like you want to be with the OW so tell your wife, so you two can put a plan into action. Go be with OW and let your wife find someone who will love, cherish and treat her the way she should be treated.

[shermanator]

honestly, your advice makes a lot of sense to me... i'm 'leaning,' I want to be with my OW, I can't stand the idea of the OW being with someone else, my W is zero fun when we are together, etc. But the idea of leaving my kids/house/life is tearing me apart... I don't know what I want.

[Raena]

The similarities between your story and my exes story are frightening. It's giving me a glimpse into what he must have been thinking the entire time he was cheating.

 

That being said... my perspective is that if you throw away your marriage all the memories of 12 years and hurt your children you will regret it. OW isn't all that special. She's just something new for you at the moment. Whatever it is that you think you are feeling... remember you felt those same things for your wife at one point too. I assume you did anyway or you wouldn't have married her and had 3 children with her. Is it really worth it to leave her for a side piece? What happens 12 years from now with your OW? Will you throw her away too when you suddenly realize that she isn't who you thought she was or when some other girl suits your fancy?

 

It's just my perspective. It's tainted because my story would be from your wifes point of view, not yours. I don't understand how you could be with her that long and want to throw it all away for someone else. It boggles my mind. That's because I've never been in your shoes. I don't understand why he did what he did anymore than I understand why you did what you did. Just to be clear, I'm not jumping all over you. I'm just letting you know that either path you take is going to be very difficult.

 

Your first order of business is to be open and honest with your wife. Tell her what happened, tell her what you did, tell her how you feel. It will hurt her but she deserves the right to know that you aren't in it 100% like you should be.

 

It's your first step towards figuring out why you chose to do what you did and how to handle it from there.

 

For the record...I kicked my ex out when I found out what he was doing. Some things are not forgivable. I hope for your children's sake that you've invested enough love into your relationship with your wife that she doesn't decide to do the same because the person he hurt the most is our son. Try counseling and be honest with your wife about who you are and what it is you are feeling. But whatever you do, don't think that this OW is going to be your saving grace. One day you'll likely wake up and realize that you threw away the best thing you ever had for a few butterflies in your stomach that didn't last.

[Oberfeldwebel]

If the relationship with the other woman is so perfect and so wonderful, then why are you hiding it and sneaking around behind your wife's back? If it is so great, confess to wife and let her go find someone who loves her. I believe that you are in for a rude awakening, but hey this is your fantasy.

[violet1]

If she doesn't suspect anything, why should I break her heart and be honest with her about what I've done? I don't know what I want (to stay or to be with the OW), so I feel like I'm paralyzed right now.

Hi and welcome to the forums. Have you tried individual counselling? I think you seem very confused. For one, what you're doing isn't fair to either woman. Your wife unknowingly has competition. Your OW is pining for you, hoping maybe the two of you can be together. I also suggest you browse through the other man/woman section. You can see how much pain many of these single OW's go through. Please don't drag your OW along with false hope. You need to take a stand and choose what kind of life you want. If you choose your marriage than your wife needs to know the truth and the OW has to go completely.

 

The problem I see is that you said you're not unhappily married. If you leave your M it shouldn't be because of another person. It should be because you're no longer in love with your spouse. You also need to think about the future of your children. Would your OW be able to handle being a stepmother to three children? If you divorce, your children are going to hurt no matter what. Leaving your wife for another woman could possibly destroy your relationship with the kiddos. Think things through very carefully. This is why I suggest individual counselling first. You need to clear your head.

 

Since you're not unhappily married, I personally think you should recommit 100% to the marriage. Talk to your wife, look into marriage counseling. The fallout from an affair is very painful, but a couple can become stronger than ever if both people want the marriage to work.

[violet1]

The similarities between your story and my exes story are frightening. It's giving me a glimpse into what he must have been thinking the entire time he was cheating.

 

That being said... my perspective is that if you throw away your marriage all the memories of 12 years and hurt your children you will regret it. OW isn't all that special. She's just something new for you at the moment. Whatever it is that you think you are feeling... remember you felt those same things for your wife at one point too. I assume you did anyway or you wouldn't have married her and had 3 children with her. Is it really worth it to leave her for a side piece? What happens 12 years from now with your OW? Will you throw her away too when you suddenly realize that she isn't who you thought she was or when some other girl suits your fancy?

 

It's just my perspective. It's tainted because my story would be from your wifes point of view, not yours. I don't understand how you could be with her that long and want to throw it all away for someone else. It boggles my mind. That's because I've never been in your shoes. I don't understand why he did what he did anymore than I understand why you did what you did. Just to be clear, I'm not jumping all over you. I'm just letting you know that either path you take is going to be very difficult.

 

Your first order of business is to be open and honest with your wife. Tell her what happened, tell her what you did, tell her how you feel. It will hurt her but she deserves the right to know that you aren't in it 100% like you should be.

 

It's your first step towards figuring out why you chose to do what you did and how to handle it from there.

 

For the record...I kicked my ex out when I found out what he was doing. Some things are not forgivable. I hope for your children's sake that you've invested enough love into your relationship with your wife that she doesn't decide to do the same because the person he hurt the most is our son. Try counseling and be honest with your wife about who you are and what it is you are feeling. But whatever you do, don't think that this OW is going to be your saving grace. One day you'll likely wake up and realize that you threw away the best thing you ever had for a few butterflies in your stomach that didn't last.

This is great advice! My concern is that the OP is not unhappily married. If he left it would be solely for the OW. Leaving only for another person rarely works out. If he stated that he was miserable and begged his wife for change for years than I would feel differently.

[jnel921]

You don't say that there are any real issues in your M other than a stale sex life. Going to the gym and noticing this OW was the first red flag. You obviously wanted attention, she gave it and so did you. Then you did the worst thing of all pursued this until you finally slept together and now you say you want to be with her?

 

I know you realize the reality of it all has not set in, but I am sure you can understand from most of the posts here that you are in a fog in the land of unicorn and rainbows.

 

As a BS it is hurtful to hear you say how you are "dying" to be with this OW. Please know your W deserves to know that her M is "dying". She should be given the opportunity to decide how she would like to proceed and get an honest and clear picture of what you are doing and how you plan to live out the rest of your life.

 

No one wants to live in a lie. I am sure the day you exchanged vows you loved your W. What changed? Pure boredom of sex can't be it.

 

You have 3 kids, which I am sure she has dedicated her life to. Being a mom and W is not easy. Sometimes it can fill up our schedules. But when you see that you are spending less time together, that is when you make it a point to respark the flames of your M.

 

Now do you really know this OW? Is she a good person, is she in debt, has she pursued MM in the past? A self respecting woman wouldn't try to take what's not hers.

 

This is all pure selfishness. Do not expect your W to want to stay with you. If you really think the grass is greener on the other side...go for it. You will soon realize it turns brown real quick.

 

I hope you do the right thing and tell your W. Once you see her reaction you may not feel as strongly as you do.

 

Good Luck.

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Matilda75]

You mentioned being a drunk and lying to your wife earlier in your marriage. Do you see any parallels between your previous addictive behavior and your feelings toward OW? If you are "self medicating" would you consider ways to address your needs that don't involve blowing up your family's life?

 

My WH indulged his desires and destroyed our M before he figured out OW was just a fantasy.

 

I expect a real man would protect his wife and family. A real man would fight his demons till the death before he let them destroy the home and happiness of those he loves. But what do I know of such men and such love? Only what I read in books.

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[goodyblue]

I was <an> OW. I do not believe in disclosure to your wife if it is not necessary. Those sorts of things. Having said that, your relationship with OW does not really sound like anything more than distraction. It does not sound like any plans have been put in place to move forward, etc. I honestly think if you do not love your wife, divorce. No sense staying in a relationship with no love. Staying because of your house, bills, lifestyle etc is a cop out. And children are better off from a home that is broken and happy than an in tact family that is miserable. I think everyone deserves to be loved and that includes your wife. If you don't love her, let her go. Life is short. I do not intend on wasting mine. You shouldn't waste yours or ask your wife to either.

 

I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dichotomy]

What do you mean stale and dry spell in your marriage - what exactly is happening in your marriage, what is so bad? What are you missing or loosing by staying in your marriage and dumping OW.

 

Of course a new woman is going to be fun and sexy and emotional, but what exactly are you going to gain or loose here.

 

Take a very clear look on what your life would be like if you divorce and try with OW. Money, custody issues, kids life, home.....really picture it. Even in divorce you will be connected to your wife till your kids are past college.

[Charlie Harper]

Thing happen for a reason, there are no accidents...

 

I would not tell W about it, I would go to therapy and see why...

1)haven't been honest with W specially before.

2)Why I fell for OW

3) what is different between them.

4)If I have real feelings about OW, not just GIGS syndrome or fog.

5)If I want to reconnect with W or Divorce.

 

Good luck, my advice is NO CONTACT WITH OW for 6 months, work on your M and see where it takes you...

[alwayshere]

Do you want to end your A, become honorable again, and work on your marriage? If the answer to any of that is yes, then I think you are in the right place. You NEED to understand how serious this betrayal is. And for the record, I am not a BS. The last thing you need if you want to become honest and do right by your wife is to get encouragement to continue lying to her.

[A.Moscote]

Control your desire shermanator, don't let it dim your conscience and empathy for others, for your wife especially. Yeah, she's not great, but please find it within yourself some gratitude and respect for her, for the years she has spent being with you and the family, don't deceive her further than you already has.

 

Take ample time and space to evaluate this whole situation, and to properly decide which way to go. You have to accept that there is no easy path anymore, either way will involve hardship. Be optimist however, if you brace through it all with patience, polite, and honesty, you will eventually manage to get everyone involves to move forward righteously, contently.

 

Hold off the relationship with the OW for a while, send her a brief and honest message to cut off the communication. Go to another gym to avoid her. This is not the time anymore to indulge yourselves in the affair. You can't possibly evaluate the whole thing clearly under such an easy ecstasy.

 

IMO, good thing about (planned and polite) confession is that it gives you the chance to start being honest with each other, and also to facilitate an informed, fair, and conscious decision regarding the future for everyone.

 

Think wisely shermanator, use your bigger head. Honestly, I think being with either women wouldn't be much different long into the future if you continue with your style and behavior e.g. lying, not controlling boundary.

[gettingstronger]

I guess my question to you and others that advocate not telling is: what makes you so special that you get to deny someone else the reality of their own life. What is so great about you that you are entitled to this? What has your spouse done that puts them below you? I just do t get it. I asked my husband the same questions. His answer? I wasn't special, I was a selfish coward and I knew if you knew the truth there was a good chance I'd lose you because them you'd know I was a selfish coward. See , the OW was ok with him being such a pig. Not sure what that says about either of them.

[jackslife]

I certainly wouldn't tell wife of affair. Confession is very popular on here being put forward mainly by BS's, but I think you need to find out why you had the affair.

 

Find a counsellor to discuss this with. This is not as easy an option as it sounds. You tell your tale and then they ask questions of yourself and relationships which can often make you uncomfortable and shine a light on your inner most thoughts. After this you can decide where you want to go and what you want to do.

 

The fact you've ended the affair (and of course you'll still feel the lust) is a good thing. Sort out your marriage issues first. Then decide where you need to go next.

 

Good luck

[shermanator]

Yes, I'm in IC and am trying to figure out why I sought out this woman and why we started an A... I've actually seen two different counselors in the last two years and they both have said that I shouldn't tell my wife about the A.

 

And I understand the 'rainbows and unicorn' phase isn't forever. The OW and I have talked about that, we've talked about our 'fantasy' phase and both realize that what we were doing wasn't real life, but, even knowing all that, I can't stop thinking about her and thinking about being with her.

 

I didn't think I was unhappy and was faithful for the first 12 years of our marriage.

 

Like I said, the OW and I have stopped talking, I'm going to a different gym and trying to clear my head... but the idea of never seeing her again is still making me sick.

[jackslife]

The bottom line is that if you want this woman, or a 'proper' relationship with her, you'll have to leave your wife. There is no other choice, if that is the right one for you then take it.

 

Personally I think leaving your wife for another woman is a risky one. Surely it is better to end/sort your marriage first and once that is done and you become single start dating again.

 

You want the OW you need to tell the wife. The fact that you haven't left wife but have broken contact with OW speaks volumes...

 

Leave wife, leave OW or do both. All crappy choices, but the only ones you have.

[Chi townD]

If she doesn't suspect anything, why should I break her heart and be honest with her about what I've done? I don't know what I want (to stay or to be with the OW), so I feel like I'm paralyzed right now.

 

 

 

 

Because YOU DONE WRONG BY HER!!!!! So, you would just end it and let her wonder for the rest of her life what SHE did wrong to deserve you leaving her? That's just cruel.

 

 

Face it, you're a coward and afraid to tell your wife the truth! You don't want to be the bad guy in all of this.

 

 

Oh, and if you think she doesn't know what's going on, you would be wrong. She's been married to you long enough to know that something isn't right. She might not know exactly what it is. But, that's what gets people to start looking into things.

 

 

Hell, she might even find her way onto this site and ask for help or our opinion if your are cheating or not. I wouldn't know it was your wife. But, I would still be able to tell her how to catch you. Even when you think you have your tracks covered, there are ways to catch you that you never even considered.

 

 

And one more thing, If you think you and your affair partner are going to live happily ever after, you would be wrong on that too! Relationships that start from an affair rarely ever work out. Because the foundation of your relationship is built on the pain of others. And the two of you are going to have major trust issues. If she was willing to cheat with you, then it wouldn't be a problem to cheat on you.

 

 

Think on this a while.