My (not unique) story...

[goodyblue]

Additionally, she knows something is going on. Likely she thinks she's crazy or something. If you leave her, tell her the reason. Things will click and she will heal much faster. This I also feel is emotional abuse... don't do that to her.

 

She maynot heal faster if he discloses. She may heal faster knowing the marriage just didn't work rather than add an additional hit to her self esteem by telling her he wants out AND he has moved on.

[katielee]

Maybe initially, but she'll come to realize the affair was his personal problem and it had nothing to do with her or their marriage. And with that knowledge, she'll be glad to be rid of that unhealthiness.

OP - get healthy, realize this has nothing to do with her OR your AP.

Do the right thing and maybe she'll be by your side as you work on yourself to. E a good partner free of addiction

[lovinDKT3]

The thing about being a wayward is that mindset doesn't change if you leave one relationship and enter another.

 

If those issues aren't worked out they will repeat, again and again. If a person has no issue with "finding love" while in a relationship when does it stop?

 

OP, your making the decision for you wife by not telling her or sharing with her who you really are and what you've chosen to do. Her having the information would likely change the relationship. As a former wayward I can say its not done mainly to protect the spouse, its done to protect ourselves and maintain both relationships.

 

Infidelity takes on a new face once the spouse knows about it, in some cases, mine included its only at that point does what the wayward really wants will be known. I thought everything would be fine if I lost my husband. It wasn't what I wanted, not really, however if it happened it wouldn't be so bad. Wayward mindset, its what blameshiifting and justification of the affair does.

[goodyblue]

Maybe initially, but she'll come to realize the affair was his personal problem and it had nothing to do with her or their marriage. And with that knowledge, she'll be glad to be rid of that unhealthiness.

OP - get healthy, realize this has nothing to do with her OR your AP.

Do the right thing and maybe she'll be by your side as you work on yourself to. E a good partner free of addiction

 

Maybe. Maybe not. If she ignored his alcohol issues for nine years I would wager she is a head in the sand kind of gal.

[William]

Moderation did some cleanup here and, though a different topic, the gist of this post, regarding on-forum demeanor and posting behavior, applies here moving forward, so please take a moment to consider your words before hitting the 'post reply' button. Thanks!

[Scorpio Chick]

We all know people that have kids that are divorced, and how agonizing it is.

I agree 100% with what someone else said here about this OW being just a side piece. That is correct. I don't care how pretty, funny, etc..etc...SHE HERSELF knows she's just side action for you. I know you think you love her, and I'm sure there's some feelings, but: you DID have those same or very similar feelings for your wife of 12 years, obviously, so, in my opinion, your estimation of this situation with the OW in a way, can't be trusted.

 

As someone who worked in a family law office for 5 GRUELING years, let me help you see what you're facing. And it's NOT cliche to say - the ones who are truly affected, are the children. THEY now have to transport between two houses, maybe more. If you decide to live with or marry this OW, like it or not, SHE WILL have to take on duties she may just not want to take on. For her, the reality of her relationship with you, will REALLLY sink in once the phone calls and other stuff starts: "Didn't you say you were going to pick up ----? So and so is calling, pissed off because the daycare is calling..." yada yada yada.

 

And once opposing attorneys get involved? Heh heh, it gets real fun. You'll have to pay upwards of $150 an hour if your ex-wife, or even any new boyfriend she may be involved with, calls her attorney to complain because you aren't returning the kids clothes when you're 'visitation' weekend is over. Yep.

 

I had several, SEVERAL clients actually get to the point of saying it would have been better and easier to stay together and just work it out. I think when it comes down to it, and there's no abuse going on, the truth is, you are just titillated right now with a new, fresh piece of a$$. I'm not being a beeyotch, but think about it. Basically the worst you've said about your wife is she's boring. You wouldn't just be leaving your wife, you'd be leaving your kids too. And when your ex-wife gets involved with someone else, that man will be in your children's life more than you will. So if you leave her for this OW, she must be the most amazing person in the world.

[carhill]

I've read a lot of threads and spent a lot of time in IC... The OW and I have already decided that I should make an honest effort with my family to see if I can work it out...... but I don't really want to try right now bc I can't stop thinking about the OW. I was drawn to her for so long before I said anything, it's been impossible for me to just turn off my feelings.

 

First, kudos to you for seeking counseling.

 

Second, the feelings you're having right now are completely normal. Accept them as valid and task your IC to work through them and each day make the choice to accept and validate the choice and decision you and your fOW made to implement NC and work on your family and M. One day at a time, just like with the drinking stuff.

 

Thirdly, long haul. Whatever happens, 18 months and a 12 year marriage aren't going to unwind in a day or a week or a month. Strap in, it's going to be a long and bumpy ride, no matter the outcome.

 

Lastly, hug the kids. Jewels they are.

 

fMM here. Good luck.

[2sunny]

What if your W has gotten a STD from your activities with your OW and she needs to be checked?

 

Also - I think you COULD reconnect with your wife if you INVESTED time and focused energy on your wife/the marriage.

 

The more you focus on that - the less often you'll be "thinking of" the OW.

 

What are you willing to do to participate in - to GROW your marriage stronger?

[carhill]

OP, 2sunny makes a good point, in that, if you are choosing to refocus on your family, and if you did have oral and/or genital contact with your affair partner, make that appointment to get a STD panel done and, if positive for anything, then accept that and, if you had parallel/consecutive sexual relations with your AP and wife, take the necessary steps to protect your wife's health. Remember, one day at a time.

[shermanator]

Maybe. Maybe not. If she ignored his alcohol issues for nine years I would wager she is a head in the sand kind of gal.

 

She didn't really 'ignore' the issues... we fought about it.

 

She used to say if I would just stop drinking, we would have a 'perfect' marriage.

 

It was the only thing we'd really ever fight about, since I used to be a 'conflict avoidance' type person.

[shermanator]

OP, 2sunny makes a good point, in that, if you are choosing to refocus on your family, and if you did have oral and/or genital contact with your affair partner, make that appointment to get a STD panel done and, if positive for anything, then accept that and, if you had parallel/consecutive sexual relations with your AP and wife, take the necessary steps to protect your wife's health. Remember, one day at a time.

 

No worries on this... everything is okay.

[carhill]

No worries on this... everything is okay.

Cool, at what point did you make that decision (to get tested)? I was looking at the timeline and it appeared sexual relations began around five months ago and lasted six or seven times, after which you and OW decided to cool things off. Relative to the timeline, at what point did you flow that cessation into a doctor's appointment?

 

I ask because of the latency period of some STD's and my own testing and re-testing history. This bookends on your choice to not disclose to your wife as, if she were disclosed, she could make choices in the health area with full knowledge. Since you're choosing to withhold that information, then the responsibility falls upon you, again respecting your choice to focus on your family.

[shermanator]

And why is this not the right thing to do? It's the only thing you should do. If you have doubts then your OW may not be who you are willing to risk all of your chips on after all?

 

The circumstances of your A spell goodbye, adios, and get out! There is no other way to avoid this. Man up and tell the truth. You owe her that much after all of the stuff you have done under her nose.

 

And how can you say the OW is a good person? She is having an A with a MM! Taking him away from his family, stupidly stopping her world and aligning her life parallel to your family because she knows you can't be together. You are preventing this woman from finding REAL love and the opportunity to have a monogamous relationship that can lead to a valid M and forthcoming children.

 

What is wrong with your M? How is it you thought after you met the OW you realized something was missing. Uh mm maybe it was the sex. You started having it with the wrong person!

 

The OW is a good person... She doesn't seek out married men, hasn't done anything like this before, etc. I know what you're saying, though.

 

From day one, I told the OW that I thought my marriage was decent (when we were having an EA only), but I felt some insane draw and attraction to her. We talked/texted about our feelings for a long time before finally acting on them.

[violet1]

OP,

I do think it's great that you ended the affair on your own, but what steps have you taken to prevent the affair from rekindling? Have you blocked all contact info of the OW? Have you deleted all old emails, messages, etc. You seem very addicted to her. IMHO, you are in a complete state of limerance. You stated that you can't imagine her not in your life or with another man. With those types of thoughts how can you trust yourself to not respond if she were to contact you again?

 

To tell or not to tell is irrelevant at this point. If you can't and/or refuse to recommit to your M than you need to let your wife go. Period. Does your wife even know that you're considering leaving her? She at least deserves a heads up or a little knowledge that her marriage is in trouble. If you don't want to hurt your wife than talk to her.

[shermanator]

OP,

I do think it's great that you ended the affair on your own, but what steps have you taken to prevent the affair from rekindling? Have you blocked all contact info of the OW? Have you deleted all old emails, messages, etc. You seem very addicted to her. IMHO, you are in a complete state of limerance. You stated that you can't imagine her not in your life or with another man. With those types of thoughts how can you trust yourself to not respond if she were to contact you again?

 

To tell or not to tell is irrelevant at this point. If you can't and/or refuse to recommit to your M than you need to let your wife go. Period. Does your wife even know that you're considering leaving her? She at least deserves a heads up or a little knowledge that her marriage is in trouble. If you don't want to hurt your wife than talk to her.

 

Yes, I've deleted old messages and emails... they're still seared into my mind, though.

 

Yes, my wife and I have talked about our marriage and how something is missing. We went to three sessions of MC, where the therapist told us that we didn't have a marriage problem, we had individual issues that we needed to work through, so he told us to seek out IC (which I'd already been doing).

 

It's hard to talk to her about the M without bringing up the OW, though.

[shermanator]

OP,

You seem very addicted to her. IMHO, you are in a complete state of limerance. .

 

Just read up on this... Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

 

Yep, sounds like me. I don't remember going through anything like this when I met my wife, though.

[2sunny]

Just read up on this... Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

 

Yep, sounds like me. I don't remember going through anything like this when I met my wife, though.

 

Maybe because the relationship with your wife wasn't a secret that included the thrill of being caught...?

 

A normal R is never as exciting as a secret one.

 

As far as no diseases - your incubation time hasn't yet lapsed - and I doubt you can be certain by 100% that nothing was passed along to your wife.

 

Taking those risks and putting HER health on the line - it's not right to keep your truth from her - she deserves to know she should/could get tested.

[carhill]

Just read up on this... Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

 

Yep, sounds like me. I don't remember going through anything like this when I met my wife, though.

You're a different person now than when you met your wife. Marriage, fatherhood and life in general have changed you. Completely normal. Your IC can work this stuff. Is your IC a licensed psychologist?

[shermanator]

Maybe because the relationship with your wife wasn't a secret that included the thrill of being caught...?

 

A normal R is never as exciting as a secret one.

 

As far as no diseases - your incubation time hasn't yet lapsed - and I doubt you can be certain by 100% that nothing was passed along to your wife.

 

Taking those risks and putting HER health on the line - it's not right to keep your truth from her - she deserves to know she should/could get tested.

 

We used protection and the OW has only been with two guys. Her first husband (they were each other's first) and another guy - she got tested after they broke up and she was okay. I was clear when I got married and hadn't ever been with someone else.

 

And, I'm pretty sure I haven't been with my wife since the OW and I were together.

[shermanator]

You're a different person now than when you met your wife. Marriage, fatherhood and life in general have changed you. Completely normal. Your IC can work this stuff. Is your IC a licensed psychologist?

 

Yes, already made a note to bring this up on Monday when I see her again.

[2sunny]

We used protection and the OW has only been with two guys. Her first husband (they were each other's first) and another guy - she got tested after they broke up and she was okay. I was clear when I got married and hadn't ever been with someone else.

 

And, I'm pretty sure I haven't been with my wife since the OW and I were together.

 

Then get tested six to seven months after your last exposure to your OW. A condom isn't a guarantee. Did you have oral sex? Kiss her? That puts you at risk too... Especially if you then kissed your wife.

 

On that other note, but much the same thought, how do you expect to feel closer to your wife if you aren't having sex with her?

 

You may need to wear protection with your wife until the 7 months pass and you test clean then - same with your wife.

 

Isn't your wife suspecting something's up if you're not having sex with her now?

 

Bottom line - incubation period is 6 months for many STD's and shows no signs of symptoms...

[carhill]

OP, I leave the STD issue with this parting bit of wisdom from decades experience with affairs.

 

Trust but verify. Anything not independently verified is unverified. None of us can ever know what is in the mind of another, what they have experienced or the minutiae of their lives.

 

A good example of this is your current dynamic, looking at it from your spouse's perspective. She can never know what's in your mind, what you have experienced or the minutiae of your life. We, in fact, have a marked example of that right now with your affair, and I imply nothing negative about that, rather am using it to demonstrate the validity of the premise.

 

I learned a lot of this stuff from a licensed psychologist. Stick with the IC and learn. I think you'll learn a lot. You have a lot to be thankful for. Take care of it.

[gettingstronger]

Good point Cahill. We do change, no one can blame anyone for that. But when those changes effect another as important as your spouse, they need to be made aware of it. Fairness and integrity is something one should always hold on to through out life's changes.

[Scarlet2]

I agree with the counselors that you should never tell the BS about the A. It definitely causes more pain than if you were to just leave without an OW. Both will cause hurt but one is less severe. Plus you've already been lying so there is no point in being completely honest now, there's no redemption in it. It just causes more doubt and pain and there will always be a cloud hovering in your M that she may never be able to recover from if you tell her.

 

A lot of people are going to tell you to work on your marriage, "do the right thing", stay even if you're not happy, but you have to do what's best for you. Anyone can give advice but they don't get to live your day to day life after they tell you what to do.

 

I think everyone should be so lucky to find someone they can openly communicate with and not lie to them. You found it with your OW and not your W, so I say that's a plus towards your OW. Evaluate what other pluses and minuses each one has and you're decision might be easier to figure out.

 

I also think the NC with the OW will make you miss her even more because of the whole absence makes the heart fonder but on the other hand, like Charlie said, if your OW likes you as much as you think she does, she WILL wait for you to come back, but not forever obviously...

 

If you don't want to be with your W, let her go so that she may find someone more compatible. Do not stay for the kids sake. It doesn't do them any good to see an unhappy marriage and after the youngest leaves to become an adult, you've got empty nest and still have an unhappy marriage.

 

Live your life the way you want to live it. If it doesn't work out with the OW, at least you tried and you might be able to reunite with your W again. Elizabeth Taylor married Richard Burton twice, so just sayin...

[shermanator]

Good point Cahill. We do change, no one can blame anyone for that. But when those changes effect another as important as your spouse, they need to be made aware of it. Fairness and integrity is something one should always hold on to through out life's changes.

 

My W has wondered if my IC has made me start questioning my marriage... Like I sobered up, started going to therapy and am now looking to get out of my marriage because I'm changing.

 

I'm scared of leaving, though. There's no question that, right now, the fear about leaving and the uncertainty of what a life without my W would look like, is what's keeping me here.

 

She is a good mom and a good person and deserves better than what I've given her over the last 18 months.