My (not unique) story...

[shermanator]

do what makes you happy.

 

if you do that, you'll help your wife. if you do what makes HER happy (& that leaves you unhappy) - it won't end good. doing what feels good to you will lead you to live an authentic life, which will lead to your W being able to find her own happiness and her own truth. without you.

 

"do what makes you happy" just seems so selfish. I realize an A is selfish, too.

[shermanator]

With all due respect, through your affair you're the one placing a relative value on the 15 years of your relationship. And in market parlance, you're buying high and selling low.

 

I find it curious that almost every post in this thread questioning your actions gets a response from you about your intentions. It seems to be your way of deflecting any need for real thought about the impact of what you're doing. Based on your wife's responses, you may be quite literally driving her crazy...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm not 100% sure I follow. I'm not, intentionally, trying to deflect away from what I've done.

 

My mind is a jumbled mess and, in addition to possibly driving my wife crazy, I feel like I'm driving myself crazy, too.

 

I feel like posting here sometimes adds fuel to the fire. Because I have thoughts about the OW ALL THE TIME, I can post here and avoid contacting her.

[CarrieT]

I get what you're saying... my wife has flat out told me that she doesn't want to know anything else. In MC, she told me and the therapist "I don't want to know anything else that happened. I just want to move forward." She doesn't want the whole truth.

Word above that I made bold is a Past Tense Word = happenED.

 

Your wife is probably assuming that once the knowledge of the affair became known, you ended it.

 

Have you told your wife that you are still in contact with the Affair Partner? There is a big difference between your wife saying that she doesn't want to know what happenED versus what is happenING (Present Tense).

 

You are making excuses that she doesn't want the whole truth. She may not want to know the whole truth of those things you already did, but it is imperative that she knows you are still involved and not giving your MC 100%.

[minimariah]

"do what makes you happy" just seems so selfish. I realize an A is selfish, too.

 

it is selfish - but your W will benefit from that selfishness.

 

if you do what makes YOU happy and, for example, leave - you will give your W a chance to find someone who will love, respect and want her in the ways you can't. so i think your W will, in the end, benefit from your selfishness.

 

if you stay for every reason other than love & desire for your W - you'll only steal even more of her time + damage her further.

 

you should have a conversation with your W about this, open up to her. tell her everything you feel and think. without complete honestly, there is no moving forward.

[loveboid]

It sounds to me like you and your wife don't have emotional intimacy. You don't talk about what is important to each of you. She doesn't want to hear it. Maybe this is why you aren't honest with her like you are with OW.

 

It also sounds like you were never in love with your wife. I'm of the opinion that people choose to fall in love and the fact that out of all these years you haven't chosen to fall in love with your wife says something. You chose to fall in love with OW for a reason.

 

As far as getting other people's experiences...remember that you're on a forum where unhappy, jilted people post. Happy people are living their lives offline. Keep loving yourself and that'll help you decide.

[shermanator]

Word above that I made bold is a Past Tense Word = happenED.

 

Your wife is probably assuming that once the knowledge of the affair became known, you ended it.

 

Have you told your wife that you are still in contact with the Affair Partner? There is a big difference between your wife saying that she doesn't want to know what happenED versus what is happenING (Present Tense).

 

You are making excuses that she doesn't want the whole truth. She may not want to know the whole truth of those things you already did, but it is imperative that she knows you are still involved and not giving your MC 100%.

 

No, my wife doesn't know that I've had any contact with the AP.

[shermanator]

it is selfish - but your W will benefit from that selfishness.

 

if you do what makes YOU happy and, for example, leave - you will give your W a chance to find someone who will love, respect and want her in the ways you can't. so i think your W will, in the end, benefit from your selfishness.

 

if you stay for every reason other than love & desire for your W - you'll only steal even more of her time + damage her further.

 

you should have a conversation with your W about this, open up to her. tell her everything you feel and think. without complete honestly, there is no moving forward.

 

Earlier in this thread, I posted a note that my wife wrote to me... She thinks the world of me. She has flat out told me that she doesn't want full disclosure. She doesn't think she can handle it, so how do I open up completely to her now?

 

I've built a tangled web of lies, presented her partial truths (hidden in lies) and have allowed myself to become emotionally unattached to the mother of my children. There has to be more to life than this.

[road]

Earlier in this thread, I posted a note that my wife wrote to me... She thinks the world of me. She has flat out told me that she doesn't want full disclosure. She doesn't think she can handle it, so how do I open up completely to her now?

 

I've built a tangled web of lies, presented her partial truths (hidden in lies) and have allowed myself to become emotionally unattached to the mother of my children. There has to be more to life than this.

 

 

 

 

Go NC with your AP.

 

 

The BS always controls how much of the affair they need to know.

 

 

You are making things too complicated.

[waterwoman]

Agree with road. If you genuinely want to reconcile with your wife the ONLY way to even give this a shot is to cut the AP out of your life entirely. Don't keep her as a back-up plan (unfair to her). Give your reconciliation everything you've got. Focus on your wife 100%. It won'e be easy but right now you are just messing everyone about and making everyone unhappy - including yourself.

 

Or leave. Tell your wife it's over and you want a divorce and hope that you too can make it amicable.

 

Anything else is just more madness.

[lookingforclosure]

If you know that the premise of your story isn't unique, then you know the ending probably won't be either. If you decide to actually take action & tell your W you want a divorce, you'll see how much pain she's in, she'll want to try to work it out, plus neither of you want your 3 kids to suffer being from a broken home. And when faces with the reality if leaving your decent wife/mother of your kids, suddenly 12 years of "not that bad" looks awfully salvageable!

 

You feel bad but your fantasy fun bubble has popped so you tell the OW you're very sorry but you owe it to your family to try again. She ends up heartbroken on the Other Wiman forum questioning everything about your relationship.

 

The End.

 

(If you don't believe me, just take a couple hours reading past threads of TOW/OM board)

 

You are so right BrokenPrincess...because in the end they ALL seem to choose the wife, no matter how they painted the picture for us. They get to go back and have their life as normal and we get to post on the OW/OM board crushed beyond belief...trying to analyze everything...desperate for answers

 

DON'T DO IT...be honest with your wife and if you truly not happy either enter counseling or leave, don't bring a third party into it just to make things more complicated.

[purplesorrow]

You are so right BrokenPrincess...because in the end they ALL seem to choose the wife, no matter how they painted the picture for us. They get to go back and have their life as normal and we get to post on the OW/OM board crushed beyond belief...trying to analyze everything...desperate for answers

 

DON'T DO IT...be honest with your wife and if you truly not happy either enter counseling or leave, don't bring a third party into it just to make things more complicated.

 

Life after an exposed affair is no where near normal.

[loveboid]

Earlier in this thread, I posted a note that my wife wrote to me... She thinks the world of me. She has flat out told me that she doesn't want full disclosure.

 

Another way to look at this is that she wants you to show respect to her by not waving your affair in her face. Similar to how when walking down the street together wives don't want husbands making wolf whistles to strange women passing by.

 

If you wife is okay without the details then I would be okay with it.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you wife is okay without the details then I would be okay with it.

 

Yes, but the OP is extrapolating "OK without the details" to mean "OK to stay in contact" with his AP. If he had the guts to ask his W directly "do you want me to be NC with AP", I'd guess she'd say "yes"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Hawaii51]

Nevvvvermind.

[shermanator]

Yes, but the OP is extrapolating "OK without the details" to mean "OK to stay in contact" with his AP. If he had the guts to ask his W directly "do you want me to be NC with AP", I'd guess she'd say "yes"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know she doesn't think it's OK for me to be in touch... One week NC today.

 

I'm cranky, miss the OW and feel like I'm pushing my W away. She was out of town this weekend and things were nice at home without her... kids were behaved, we didn't have her drama or toxic vibe.

 

She's asking me what's going on (she thinks I'm going 'underground'), but I'm scared to talk about us outside of the MC office.

[Mr. Lucky]

The gap between what you wish you had:

 

thinking that there's got to be something worth holding onto after 15 total years together.

 

and what you actually have:

 

we didn't have her drama or toxic vibe.

 

is the reason for (in your case) the affair. No wonder you're conflicted, how can you choose between two dysfunctional relationships?

 

I'm not you. But if I were, I'd leave your W, dump your AP, be the best Dad I could possibly be and work on restoring some semblance of emotional health and normalcy to my life and path forward. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

I know she doesn't think it's OK for me to be in touch... One week NC today.

 

I'm cranky, miss the OW and feel like I'm pushing my W away. She was out of town this weekend and things were nice at home without her... kids were behaved, we didn't have her drama or toxic vibe.She's asking me what's going on (she thinks I'm going 'underground'), but I'm scared to talk about us outside of the MC office.

If you were my WH, I'd so want to know these negative thoughts and feelings you're having about me in the early days post D-day. It would pretty much be the straw that broke the camel's back to find out this is how you understand and react to however I'm dealing with the discovery of your betrayal. If I knew you reacted to my constant state of turmoil, disbelieve, rage and grief with this kind of annoyance and continued entitlement, I'd say, "Oh, sh-t. He really IS an a--hole and doesn't really feel remorse. He's just interested in making it up to me. He just wants me to get it over with. If this were me, and my grieving and processing you're complaining about, I'd be SO GRATEFUL to find out early and get rid of your sorry ass.

[merrmeade]

Seriously. I just reread the "drama/toxic vibe" line and felt insulted all over again, imagining if that were my WH's thoughts when I was at that stage.

 

Release her. You are NOT a candidate for this. It's just more selfishness to put her through it. You've done enough damage. Less than 100% remorse cannot fix it. Since clearly your happiness is still the priority, there was never a decision anyway. As long as you secretly react to her emotional fallout this way, you will NEVER have the ability to empathize with your wife enough to give her ALL she needs to get out of the drama/toxic vibes that make your life with her so unpleasant.

 

Besides, your AP wants to make you happy. You have no right to stay on the basis of wanting your kids and wife not to hate you. Too late for that. F--king release her. Go be happy with your AP already.

[merrmeade]

Just one more harrumph, please: I am NOT saying my WH did it right either. These probably were his thoughts, too. If I'd been able to read something like this by him, I might have realized it then. So, on second thought, don't leave for the AP. Tell WW how you feel about her annoying upsets and let her throw you out. She needs that closure.

[shermanator]

Seriously. I just reread the "drama/toxic vibe" line and felt insulted all over again, imagining if that were my WH's thoughts when I was at that stage.

 

Release her. You are NOT a candidate for this. It's just more selfishness to put her through it. You've done enough damage. Less than 100% remorse cannot fix it. Since clearly your happiness is still the priority, there was never a decision anyway. As long as you secretly react to her emotional fallout this way, you will NEVER have the ability to empathize with your wife enough to give her ALL she needs to get out of the drama/toxic vibes that make your life with her so unpleasant.

 

Besides, your AP wants to make you happy. You have no right to stay on the basis of wanting your kids and wife not to hate you. Too late for that. F--king release her. Go be happy with your AP already.

 

Her drama and toxic vibe started way before the EA or the DDay in our MC, which occurred months ago. She doesn't know that I had some LC with the OW over the last couple months. Her catastrophizing and projecting and mind reading have been issues for a long time with us.

 

I might be a jerk, but I wouldn't level my wife emotionally then say, 'deal with it. Stop being so dramatic.'

[Mr. Lucky]

Assuming MC was effective and strengthened your relationship with your wife, would you consider re-engagement in and re-commitment to your marriage a positive outcome to your current situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

Assuming MC was effective and strengthened your relationship with your wife, would you consider re-engagement in and re-commitment to your marriage a positive outcome to your current situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think so. I thought we had a pretty good life together (when I was drinking). As someone else said, we didn't have a lot of emotional intimacy - mostly due to my lying, but we were best friends. I just miss spending quality time with her. I think she is so wrapped up in keeping the house together and taking care of the kids, she stopped having fun somewhere along the way. We stopped having fun together. I stopped trying - which is totally my fault.

 

BUT, we make each other laugh, she is a good, loyal person. I think she's in denial about things (she still says there isn't ONE thing about me that she would want to change or that I NEVER say anything that makes her cringe - which seems impossible) and I've said some brutal things to her during the course of our MC, which she might not be able to get past.

 

I don't know if she will ever trust me again, which is no way for her to go through life, as badly as she 'wants' to keep this together.

[shermanator]

Two weeks NC today. I feel like I'm in recovery, taking this one day at a time. There are so many triggers everywhere around me, though. Hard to believe that I first noticed the OW over 2 years ago...

 

In MC the other day, my wife said that it seems like I don't like her anymore. She can tell that I still love her, but she feels like I don't like her. I think that's kind of accurate, which makes me really sad.

 

The PA part of my relationship with the OW has been over for some time (when we went LC) and my wife and I aren't really intimate, either (one time in the last month).

 

I suppose this will get better with time and I'm really trying to reconcile with my wife right now, but I'm thinking about the OW constantly. Guess I'm sort of using this board as a diary/venting spot.

[BetrayedH]

You're never going to have a truly intimate relationship with your wife with this huge wall of dishonesty between you.

 

You're not treating your wife as an equal. You're treating her as a child that either can't handle the truth or doesn't deserve it. You're acting like a parent by withholding information from her. You don't respect her. That's why you're not intimate with her either emotionally or physically.

 

Your time and money with MC is wasted because you are not addressing the elephant in the room.

[10thengineerharrison]

So, about 18 months ago, I started noticing a woman at my gym... I didn't even go out of my way to talk to her for a long time, just found myself looking for her and getting bummed when she wasn't there. I considered leaving the gym, but couldn't bring myself to do it. It's a small gym and all the members know each other, so it was easy to have casual communication.

 

About seven months ago, we eventually started talking more, texting, etc, until she was all I was thinking about... after five months of talking/texting/visiting her at her place, we finally caved in and slept together. We were only together, off and on, six or seven times, until we couldn't take the guilt anymore... we agreed to step back until I figured out what to do with my marriage. She's told me that she loves me and can see a life with me and my kids - understanding how messy things might be.

 

My wife (married 12 years, 3 kids) has no idea, I think... she's noticed me being distracted and we haven't had sex in a while (but that's not totally uncommon - we've had some dry spells during the last 12 years), but she hasn't accused me of anything.

 

I know all the cliches... it won't work with the new woman, it's lust, etc. The OW and I have even talked about our relationship is just a fantasy right now - no bills, no daily routine, no boredom, etc, but that hasn't stopped anything or put a damper on me wanting to be with her.

 

I tried to ignore my feelings for so long, but something kept pulling me toward this other woman... I didn't even think my marriage was awful, but something must have been missing for me to take this step.

 

I know my story isn't special, but I'm just looking for some feedback from someone who's been through the same thing. I've left the gym and I'm not talking/texting with the OW right now, but nothing has changed... I'm still dying to be with her.

 

Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else.