My (not unique) story...

[shermanator]

As hard as it is for your wife to hear, you need to be honest with her. You can't continue a marriage if your heart is not in it. It seems like your W has let her emotions bottle up instead of expressing them. Her anger is going to start coming out. Don't be afraid of how she's going to react. She needs to let it out so she can heal. You need to do the same so you can heal as well. All you can really do now is focus your energy on co-parenting. Get yourself healthy so you can be the best father possible. I personally think you should be single for awhile. Learn from the mistakes you've made in your M so you can grow and become a completely committed and honest partner that a woman deserves. It's time for you to stop fence sitting and make a move. I think you know what you need to do. So do it already. End this marriage.

 

Oh, her anger is already coming out.

 

After I told her yesterday, one of the first things she said is "I'm going to make sure those kids know what kind of ********* you are and that they understand what you did to them and this family." There is NOTHING my wife could do (or anyone) that would make me think "Oh...I've got to tell the kids what a horrible person she is."

[beach]

Making a decision helps...yes, you making a decision.

 

Leaving to your wife shows evidence that you will stay married and she won't intend to make it a happy marriage.

 

 

Decide for yourself and then let her know what your decision is.

[Brigit]

Yep... over a year of my life, just kind of floating along, not 100% invested in my M or my W.

 

I do feel disgusted by what I did, which is part of the reason I went NC.

 

We are going to see the MC today. Not sure what kind of outcome I'm hoping for.

 

You will divorce. I'm not sure what will happen with you and the OW but you will pay child support and have less money and comfort then you do now. You might not like being married to your wife but being single might not be that much better either. Good luck.

[CarrieT]

After I told her yesterday, one of the first things she said is "I'm going to make sure those kids know what kind of ********* you are and that they understand what you did to them and this family."

And what is motivating you to stay and work on a marriage with a woman who says these things and will probably act upon them?

[Mr. Lucky]

There is NOTHING my wife could do (or anyone) that would make me think "Oh...I've got to tell the kids what a horrible person she is."

 

I'll just point out it's easier to say that if you're the person doing the "things" rather than the person having those things done to them.

 

In other words, very few WS have real insight into what life as a BS is really like...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

I'll just point out it's easier to say that if you're the person doing the "things" rather than the person having those things done to them.

 

In other words, very few WS have real insight into what life as a BS is really like...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Fair point and I totally understand what you're saying. I also know how I react to things and I know I wouldn't use the kids as pawns.

[shermanator]

And what is motivating you to stay and work on a marriage with a woman who says these things and will probably act upon them?

 

I don't know... our house, the kids. I'm scared of divorce.

[beach]

I don't know... our house, the kids. I'm scared of divorce.

 

Since you know staying hasn't been making you happy - why not try out a formal separation to see how that goes?

 

You may not be as scared by being on your own as you envision.

[Brigit]

I don't know... our house, the kids. I'm scared of divorce.

 

As you should be. People will say to you things like "You only live once, you're not happy go find yourself a hot girlfriend and then you'll be happy." That might be true. Maybe you will find a hot girlfriend and be happy but thrills only last so long. If you want exciting then you'll need to stay single and date a bunch of different women because you'll soon tire of all of them. Depending upon how good looking and charismatic you are and if you have the funds to sustain this lifestyle will project satisfaction.

 

All people come with parts that are boring, irritating and downright hateful. As long as you're aware of this you'll be fine.

[CarrieT]

I disagree with Brigid. Having a hot girlfriend does not necessarily equate to happiness, but a wife who constantly spews vitriol will break down the spirit to an extent that mere survival for a house and kids may not be sufficient.

 

Sherm, if your wife is going to shame you to your children, what kind of lesson are you teaching them? To grin and bear it to save face? You will become (if you aren't already) a shell of a man and an ineffective father.

[shermanator]

I disagree with Brigid. Having a hot girlfriend does not necessarily equate to happiness, but a wife who constantly spews vitriol will break down the spirit to an extent that mere survival for a house and kids may not be sufficient.

 

Sherm, if your wife is going to shame you to your children, what kind of lesson are you teaching them? To grin and bear it to save face? You will become (if you aren't already) a shell of a man and an ineffective father.

 

I'm not of the belief that a string of new women in my life will suddenly make me happy. To me, that seems overly simplistic and shallow. To me.

 

In MC today, she said that she wasn't really going to use the kids as pawns, but I'm not sure I believe her. I think if we do eventually split up, she will attack me. On the way home from MC, she mentioned that if I ever remarry, the new wife won't even be allowed to be around the kids, according to her - such a strange thing to say, especially right after a MC session.

 

She also backtracked on all of her demands yesterday and I'm back at home. I'm no longer being told to get out.

[Brigit]

I disagree with Brigid. Having a hot girlfriend does not necessarily equate to happiness, but a wife who constantly spews vitriol will break down the spirit to an extent that mere survival for a house and kids may not be sufficient.

 

Sherm, if your wife is going to shame you to your children, what kind of lesson are you teaching them? To grin and bear it to save face? You will become (if you aren't already) a shell of a man and an ineffective father.

 

I believe I read somewhere in this thread that he finds his wife boring and is in love with the other woman. His wife might not be very nice to him now but it might have something to do with the fact he's in love with another woman. IDK. Maybe she was horrible before he stopped loving her. Who knows when a marriage goes south? I'm struggling with sort of similar issues too so I know it takes two to ruin a marriage.

[Hope Shimmers]

On the way home from MC, she mentioned that if I ever remarry, the new wife won't even be allowed to be around the kids, according to her - such a strange thing to say, especially right after a MC session.

 

She has checked out. Can you really blame her?

 

What she said about not allowing the kids to interact with any future wife of yours will not hold up legally (perhaps unfortunately).

[violet1]

I'm not of the belief that a string of new women in my life will suddenly make me happy. To me, that seems overly simplistic and shallow. To me.

 

In MC today, she said that she wasn't really going to use the kids as pawns, but I'm not sure I believe her. I think if we do eventually split up, she will attack me. On the way home from MC, she mentioned that if I ever remarry, the new wife won't even be allowed to be around the kids, according to her - such a strange thing to say, especially right after a MC session.

 

She also backtracked on all of her demands yesterday and I'm back at home. I'm no longer being told to get out.

I was wondering if her threats was just the anger speaking. I hope she wouldn't use the children as pawns. I went through that as a child and it absolutely sucks. It's never right to put children in the middle. You honestly can't worry about what she would or wouldn't do though. All you can do is make the decision to take the higher road. If you do split, don't ever bad mouth or discuss her in front of your kids.

 

 

Her comment about you remarrying is quite telling. I wonder if she feels the same as you, sans the affair. Maybe her heart isn't completely in the M either. Maybe you both feel like the M is over? Or maybe it can't be fixed? I don't believe that all marriages can be salvaged, but I do respect your effort in at least trying.

 

 

From reading your posts for almost a year, I just can't help but feel like maybe you are prolonging the inevitable here. Like another poster mentioned, why don't you consider a trial separation? Time apart will either push you closer together or further apart. Either way, you'll at least know if your M is worth saving. I'm a strong believer in reconciliation after an affair, but I don't know if I feel it in your case.

 

 

Not trying to pry here, but is your sex life getting better? Other than the children, home, and finances do you actually feel emotionally connected to her? I understand the fear of the unknown all too well, but don't stay in your M just for the children and/or finances. IMO, those are not the right reasons to stay. Life is too short to live in misery.

[violet1]

I believe I read somewhere in this thread that he finds his wife boring and is in love with the other woman. His wife might not be very nice to him now but it might have something to do with the fact he's in love with another woman. IDK. Maybe she was horrible before he stopped loving her. Who knows when a marriage goes south? I'm struggling with sort of similar issues too so I know it takes two to ruin a marriage.

 

 

The issue is he's in love with another woman and his W wants to rug sweep the A and their problems. Yet, he's still in a marriage he's not happy or committed in. That alone trumps whether his wife was horrible or not. I would not under ANY circumstances want my H to stay with me if he was still in love with another woman months after D Day.

 

 

I think with successful reconciliations, perspectives and emotions naturally change. You feel shame and disgust when you think back to your exAP, not love. You talk about the A with your BS. You become transparent and learn how to come together as a team. This is not happening with the OP. This is why I and others are pushing him to make a move.

[shermanator]

I was wondering if her threats was just the anger speaking. I hope she wouldn't use the children as pawns. I went through that as a child and it absolutely sucks. It's never right to put children in the middle. You honestly can't worry about what she would or wouldn't do though. All you can do is make the decision to take the higher road. If you do split, don't ever bad mouth or discuss her in front of your kids.

 

 

Her comment about you remarrying is quite telling. I wonder if she feels the same as you, sans the affair. Maybe her heart isn't completely in the M either. Maybe you both feel like the M is over? Or maybe it can't be fixed? I don't believe that all marriages can be salvaged, but I do respect your effort in at least trying.

 

 

From reading your posts for almost a year, I just can't help but feel like maybe you are prolonging the inevitable here. Like another poster mentioned, why don't you consider a trial separation? Time apart will either push you closer together or further apart. Either way, you'll at least know if your M is worth saving. I'm a strong believer in reconciliation after an affair, but I don't know if I feel it in your case.

 

 

Not trying to pry here, but is your sex life getting better? Other than the children, home, and finances do you actually feel emotionally connected to her? I understand the fear of the unknown all too well, but don't stay in your M just for the children and/or finances. IMO, those are not the right reasons to stay. Life is too short to live in misery.

 

We've had big fights in the past and she's mentioned 'making sure the kids know' and other things along those lines... She's saying that she was just upset yesterday, but, if we split, I'm really not 100% sure she wouldn't try to use them.

 

About our sex life, it's not really any different. It's been an issue for a long time... when I was drinking, we didn't have much sex. I would try to initiate, but I was, often times, drunk or had been caught lying about something, etc. I can't blame her for not being super turned on my her drunk, lying husband. But even before we got married, it had become really infrequent.

 

During MC, she's mentioned my lack of desire for her. She's more interested in sex these days than I am, but she doesn't do anything to initiate because, in her words, "she's scared of being rejected." Just last week, I tried to schedule a 'date night'... she fell asleep, so we rescheduled for the following night... and she fell asleep again. Then she complains about sex during MC.

[shermanator]

The issue is he's in love with another woman and his W wants to rug sweep the A and their problems. Yet, he's still in a marriage he's not happy or committed in. That alone trumps whether his wife was horrible or not. I would not under ANY circumstances want my H to stay with me if he was still in love with another woman months after D Day.

 

 

I think with successful reconciliations, perspectives and emotions naturally change. You feel shame and disgust when you think back to your exAP, not love. You talk about the A with your BS. You become transparent and learn how to come together as a team. This is not happening with the OP. This is why I and others are pushing him to make a move.

 

A lot of truth here. I'm not sure we will ever be able to talk, together, about the A in a casual, mature manner.

[beach]

Normally when any person has so much evidence the relationship isn't working and healthy - they make solid decisions to change all of it.

 

But you seem to like being stuck in all the crap of this marriage.

 

Have you ever sifted through all the stuff to make a "decision"?

[Zenstudent]

A lot of truth here. I'm not sure we will ever be able to talk, together, about the A in a casual, mature manner.

 

Is this the way you usually see things, that she's the immature one and that you handle your relationships with maturity? Does she know or sense that this is your opinion?

[shermanator]

Is this the way you usually see things, that she's the immature one and that you handle your relationships with maturity? Does she know or sense that this is your opinion?

 

I'm not sure I follow... I said that I don't think 'we' will be able to talk about the A in a mature manner, but I don't think that means I handle things with more maturity. Having the A in the first place shows a lack of maturity and an unwillingness to talk about our relationship.

[Zenstudent]

I'm not sure I follow... I said that I don't think 'we' will be able to talk about the A in a mature manner, but I don't think that means I handle things with more maturity. Having the A in the first place shows a lack of maturity and an unwillingness to talk about our relationship.

 

OK, so it should've said: "I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to talk about the affair in a mature and casual manner" - as for the rest of it, that you acknowledge this, is a sign of maturity at some level, I think.

 

To me, it just seemed that you believed it was your wife who acted immature in her way of dealing with your betrayal.

 

If you don't talk it through in a constructive manner, it won't work.

[CarrieT]

Having the A in the first place shows a lack of maturity and an unwillingness to talk about our relationship.

 

I think this is a misnomer. Those who are guilty of cheating on their spouses are not doing so because they are immature. In fact, many MANY people (note - not just men!) turn to infidelity later in their lives because they have come to a point where they have been lacking *something* in their marriage/life that they desire.

 

Maturity has little to do with it...

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not sure I follow... I said that I don't think 'we' will be able to talk about the A in a mature manner, but I don't think that means I handle things with more maturity. Having the A in the first place shows a lack of maturity and an unwillingness to talk about our relationship.

 

Don't know if immaturity is the right word but you've definitely painted her as having a stunted inability to confront anything emotionally difficult. I'd guess it's you that arranged MC, makes the appointments and insists on going. Most spouses would have kicked you to the curb over your drinking long ago, she seems more interested in marital style than substance.

 

I will say you've certainly presented her with a long list of challenging things to deal with. Maybe at this point, she's just numb...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Zenstudent]

I think this is a misnomer. Those who are guilty of cheating on their spouses are not doing so because they are immature. In fact, many MANY people (note - not just men!) turn to infidelity later in their lives because they have come to a point where they have been lacking *something* in their marriage/life that they desire.

 

Maturity has little to do with it...

 

I didn't think of maturity in an age related way. I read maturity as understanding that this isn't all about me not getting what I want.

[purplesorrow]

I think this is a misnomer. Those who are guilty of cheating on their spouses are not doing so because they are immature. In fact, many MANY people (note - not just men!) turn to infidelity later in their lives because they have come to a point where they have been lacking *something* in their marriage/life that they desire.

 

Maturity has little to do with it...

 

The mature response would be to have an open discussion with ones spouse. Not sneak around behind their back like a child. How is lying and deceiving a mature choice?