My (not unique) story...

[Owl]

This is what I've said in IC, too... I don't think I'd leave 'for' the OW, but certainly in some part 'because' of her. I'd ultimately do it, for me, but because of the relationship that we started.

 

So...are you DOING it? Like...really doing it, right now...today?

[whichwayisup]

This is what I've said in IC, too... I don't think I'd leave 'for' the OW, but certainly in some part 'because' of her. I'd ultimately do it, for me, but because of the relationship that we started.

 

You and your wife, have you gone to marriage counseling? Tried to salvage what is left of your marriage? Or is this a true case of you allowing yourself to fall in love with someone else and you're choosing to start over with the OW and divorce your wife? You can't string along the OW and give her hope for a future if you still want to stay married and have your family unit intact under one roof.

 

If you throw away your marriage without giving it one last shot, to try to reconnect with your wife, you may regret it someday.

 

Does your wife even know of the OW, the affair and that you may leave and divorce?

[shermanator]

So...are you DOING it? Like...really doing it, right now...today?

 

If my relationship with the OW made me question my marriage and made me feel strong enough to walk away, then the OW told me "I'm not sure how I feel anymore," should I really walk away from the marriage?

 

If nothing else, I feel like staying here, for now, provides more stability for my kids. And, before I met the OW, I thought my marriage was decent enough. My wife knows nothing and has said repeatedly that there's no one else in the world that she'd rather be with... even though we never have sex anymore and I think she's addicted to her phone.

 

I would leave the marriage to continue my relationship with the OW and do it for real (I'd get my own place, work out details for the kids, etc)... without the promise of that relationship, I don't know why I should leave.

[shermanator]

Please, please, please - for the sake of yourself and everyone else - do not become a YASB!

 

YASB? What's that mean?

[shermanator]

I still go back to my original post, which you really have never answered. If the relationship with the other woman is so perfect and so wonderful, then why are you hiding it and sneaking around behind your wife's back? If it is so great, confess to wife and let her go find someone who loves her.

 

Don't bother to tell me you love your wife. You my care for her as an individual and respect her as a mother, but you don't love her as a husband should love his wife. You say you don't want to hurt her. If you leave, she is going to be hurt, there is no way around this. She is going to blame herself for the problems in the marriage, when the truth is it has nothing to do with her and it is you. So all you are really doing is covering your own a$$, so you aren't the bad guy. The OW is right about one thing, finish one relationship before you start another one. Regardless if you stay or go you still need to start being honest with your wife. Time to put on your big boy pants and do the right thing.

 

I didn't answer, I guess, because the first part seemed silly... why does anyone in an A sneak around at first? Because they're married/in a relationship with someone else....

 

Yes, I care for her as a mother and partner and knowing that I've betrayed her does weigh heavily on me. My IC has suggested that whatever love I feel for my wife is buried someplace deep inside me right now... if I left, I would tell her the truth because I wouldn't want her to blame herself and question what went wrong. And, I'm not sure it has NOTHING to do with her... I've certainly been a jerk and acted like a child, but we both played some part in our marriage drifting apart.

[shermanator]

On the "trust issues" question - I never had any reason to distrust my H, during the A or since. I'm not someone who trusts easily; I always verify things from multiple sources before I believe them. I know he was completely honest with me, and needed to be, to provide respite from his M where he could not be honest and had to keep sides of himself hidden because they were not approved of. So I do not buy the whole "but your A is founded on dishonesty" myth some perpetuate - no, his previous M may have been founded on dishonesty or certainly characterised by it before and during the A, but our R never was.

 

This is almost, word for word, how I feel about my situation and my R with the OW.

 

Now, I've probably kept too much hidden from my W (because I thought she would lecture me or not support my decisions and I didn't just tell her and give her a chance to react) and I blame myself for some of that, but I was an open book with the OW. Any question, any situation, any emotion I was feeling, I was right out with it...

[spookysonata]

So you're settling for your wife because your OW is pulling back? You didn't answer my previous question: do you realize that all the problems you described were due to your own behaviour? And do you realize that if you pulled your head out and and actually invested in your marriage it might turn out to be everything you dreamed of?

[FredJones80]

I thought my marriage was decent enough.

 

Sigh. Why are you missing the vital point here? You had no problem with your marriage, perhaps it has gone a little "stale" or "samey" or "complacent" but show me a long relationship that hasn't at some point.

 

You've had an attraction to this new woman, you've got too close to her and you've invested in HER rather than your MARRIAGE. Why didn't you think to invest your time in your marriage and your wife? ... you didn't because you were happy with the status quo, you were happy bumbling alone merrily until someone else peaked your interest.

 

EVERYONE is going to be attracted sexually to someone else even if they are married, the difference being is instead of being weak and getting your rocks off with this new woman you should of been re-energising your marriage.

 

What you're failing to see is you probably felt similar for your wife all those years ago, the only difference here is you've got those new relationship feelings PLUS the added thrill of the deceit and the secrecy of it. Take away the secrecy and all you've got is the new relationship feeling, call it "falling in love" or "infatuation" or "lust" or whatever, it doesn't take any skill, its just part of natural life. Unfortunately when you're married you should be making a concious effort to rebuff those feelings.

 

You haven't and you're not "infatuated" or "in love" with your AP. There is no choice to those feelings now, you're getting a chemical reaction in your brain and when you remove her you long for her, it is NATURAL. You haven't met your sole mate, your destiny or "the one" you've just let yourself start falling in love which has been heightened because you've now gone and had sex with her. Removing her now is like breaking up with someone you're infatuated with in the first 6 months of a relationship, it will be hard. This isn't anything special, any two people in exactly the same situation will go through exactly what you're going through.

 

This now comes down to your will, are you weak or strong? I tend to think you're looking as this as an excuse there MUST have been something wrong in your marriage, but you can't even pinpoint it, so maybe there wasn't anything wrong in your marriage, maybe it was just a little bit stale or samey, maybe you need to refresh it which neither you or your wife have done, the difference is between you and your wife is you've chosen to damage it by acting on something shiney and new because of basic "boredom"

 

If you leave your wife all that is going to happen is after 6-12 months or maybe 2 years at a push the "in love" feeling for this new woman will wear off, you'll then start being yourself as will the other woman and you'll find out if you're really compatible. You'll start noticing her bad habits as will she with you and then possibly you'll continue the relationship longer term or end it because you're just not a good fit.

 

If it ends then you'll be without the AP, without your wife who you left a year or so earlier and be on your own. If it manages to continue you'll find yourself in exactly the same place in another 10 years unless YOU make a concious choice to then re-energise THAT marriage or relationship. Or you can just sit back, think everything is "ok" in your SECOND marriage and get bored then find someone new.

 

Rinse and repeat.

 

You're living in a fantasy world, if you buy in to that then you cause irreparable damage to your current world.

 

The choice is yours but this isn't rocket science, it's more just a basic of human nature, although because you're in the "affair fog" "bubble" or infatuation stage of a new relationship you can't see clearly and you're acting as if this new woman is divine intervention into your otherwise monotonous life.

 

even though we never have sex anymore

 

Isn't this down to you?

[Owl]

If my relationship with the OW made me question my marriage and made me feel strong enough to walk away, then the OW told me "I'm not sure how I feel anymore," should I really walk away from the marriage?

 

If nothing else, I feel like staying here, for now, provides more stability for my kids. And, before I met the OW, I thought my marriage was decent enough. My wife knows nothing and has said repeatedly that there's no one else in the world that she'd rather be with... even though we never have sex anymore and I think she's addicted to her phone.

 

I would leave the marriage to continue my relationship with the OW and do it for real (I'd get my own place, work out details for the kids, etc)... without the promise of that relationship, I don't know why I should leave.

 

Perhaps to free your wife up to find a man that can love her the way she deserves to be loved?

 

To teach your kids better relationship skills than having an affair and staying with a spouse because she's turned into nothing more than a back up plan?

 

Because it's not fair to force a spouse to live a lie by omission?

 

OK...don't divorce...but how about tell your wife the truth and let her decide if she still wants you under the circumstances?

[FredJones80]

You haven't and you're not "infatuated"

 

Sorry this should read "now" and not "not"

[Red123]

If my relationship with the OW made me question my marriage and made me feel strong enough to walk away, then the OW told me "I'm not sure how I feel anymore," should I really walk away from the marriage?

 

If nothing else, I feel like staying here, for now, provides more stability for my kids. And, before I met the OW, I thought my marriage was decent enough. My wife knows nothing and has said repeatedly that there's no one else in the world that she'd rather be with... even though we never have sex anymore and I think she's addicted to her phone.

 

I would leave the marriage to continue my relationship with the OW and do it for real (I'd get my own place, work out details for the kids, etc)... without the promise of that relationship, I don't know why I should leave.

 

You would leave because you only want to be with your wife because your OW doesn't want you. No one deserves to be in a relationship for that reason. Your wife deserves to be with someone who wants her. Side note- you say your wife is addicted to her phone, have you thought of the possibility that she's talking to someone else? Just a thought.

[FredJones80]

have you thought of the possibility that she's talking to someone else? Just a thought.

 

The OW, it could of been a set up

[whichwayisup]

If my relationship with the OW made me question my marriage and made me feel strong enough to walk away, then the OW told me "I'm not sure how I feel anymore," should I really walk away from the marriage?

 

If nothing else, I feel like staying here, for now, provides more stability for my kids. And, before I met the OW, I thought my marriage was decent enough. My wife knows nothing and has said repeatedly that there's no one else in the world that she'd rather be with... even though we never have sex anymore and I think she's addicted to her phone.

 

I would leave the marriage to continue my relationship with the OW and do it for real (I'd get my own place, work out details for the kids, etc)... without the promise of that relationship, I don't know why I should leave.

Because maybe both you and your wife could find other people who are more suitable. Because maybe you'd both be happier as co parents apart. Because you don't love your wife the way a husband should, and she may not you the way she should.

 

You need to open up and come clean with your wife if you plan on staying married. Nothing can be fixed if you keep your mouth shut. Wouldn't you want that love back? To have sex again with your wife? All the years you two have been together, the history, the life built - Isn't that worth at least fighting for and putting in some effort? You were in love her in the past, enough to marry her and have children with her.

[Mr. Lucky]

If nothing else, I feel like staying here, for now, provides more stability for my kids.

But weren't you ready to leave for the OW ??? So in your mind this must be, if not a non-issue, at least a less important one than the happiness of everyone involved. You'd concluded that your kids would handle the transition.

 

Look, you're not happy. And based your description, your wife is similarly miserable. This isn't that hard. Tell her what's going on - what a concept, the actual truth! - and either work to fix the damage with her or move on with both your lives. 23 pages later, either sh*t or get off the pot. I'm starting to think you're addicted to the drama ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[William]

YASB? What's that mean?

In urban venacular, this is delivered sarcastically, "You are so blessed"

 

On that note, moderation is checking in to ensure members are treating the thread starter with the utmost respect and helpfulness. As this is a long thread, if things seem to be stalled out, that's OK. Simply move on to another thread of discussion. It appears the thread starter has received a widely disparate group of experiences and opinions and has a lot to think over if they choose to.

 

Thanks for reading and, for the poster who's using acronyms, please provide a common English version and always use such phrases respectfully. Thanks!

[shermanator]

But weren't you ready to leave for the OW ??? So in your mind this must be, if not a non-issue, at least a less important one than the happiness of everyone involved. You'd concluded that your kids would handle the transition.

 

Look, you're not happy. And based your description, your wife is similarly miserable. This isn't that hard. Tell her what's going on - what a concept, the actual truth! - and either work to fix the damage with her or move on with both your lives. 23 pages later, either sh*t or get off the pot. I'm starting to think you're addicted to the drama ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think my kids could handle the transition, but, if there's no OW, wouldn't it be better if I didn't split?

 

I don't love the drama, but these boards are the only place (outside of IC), I can talk to people and hear about other experiences... if you're tired of it, stop posting, I guess.

 

As for telling me to speed up and that my wife is miserable, here's a message she sent me TODAY. How do I handle this? Oh, thanks for the note, I met someone else??

 

15 years ago I fell in love with you for so many reasons:

You emanated kindness to everyone

You always smiled

You made me laugh till my stomach hurt

You showed me you cared by being there

You wooed me with flowers, love notes, affection

You made friends with my friends

You welcomed me into your circle

You were so smart

You accepted my dorkiness

You meshed with my family and teased my mom

I felt you adored me

 

As time went on, I fell deeper in love with you for many reasons:

You worked hard in your jobs

You made everything we did fun

You worked at having a baby with me

You made sure you were part of that first pregnancy every step. You wholly supported me

You welcomed our son and were such an incredible dad to him. My heart melted and grew watching you

You were on board for our surprise 2nd child and managed parenting two kids better than anyone I know

You wanted what I wanted... A nice home, good kids, good friends and family

You stayed in contact with your closest friends

You supported my career and it's ups and downs

You became a humble rockstar at work

You planned nights and weekends out

You encouraged me to continue my friendships

You wanted me to be a better person

You'd surprise me at work with coffee or a visit

 

Today I am still in love with you for all of the above and more:

You love our kids and want the best for them

You work hard at your job

You have handled your DUI with strength and bravery

You work at being your happiest self

You love your form of exercise and are committed to it

You have encouraged me to become my best self

You like to have fun and look for ways to add fun to our lives

You are calm when I'm stressed sometimes and help me relax

You support my return to school

You let me tell you mundane stuff about the kids

You work to be my partner around the house and with the kids

You find ways to have fun at home after the kids are in bed

You laugh deep laughs at our kids antics

You coached our son's baseball and made him so happy

You make a great and loving dad to three kids now

 

Thank you for the years of love you've shown our family and me. Today I wanted to buy you a card, but none expressed what I was thinking well enough. There's so much more, but these were swimming in my mind. I thought you should know.

[HermioneG]

It sounds like your wife is in a very different marriage than you are.

 

It occurs to me that with some space from OW- you may be able to clearly look at your actual marriage, and what it is. I suspect your current view of the marriage is very much colored by the affair hormones.

 

Your wife sounds lovely and devoted and as if she can see the big picture of building a life together. Gently, if you cannot be her partner, then tell her the truth and let her be a partner to someone who will appreciate her.

 

The note breaks my heart a little. When I was being gaslighted, I wrote my husband a note like that. It made him angry and cold. It crushed me at the time. Later on, he explained why and became very clear. Please don't do that to your wife. Either love her or leave her, but don't use her as a plan B.

[carhill]

OP, reading that note from your wife, I had to laugh, mainly at myself, for thinking that, if my exW had ever sent me a note like that, I'd have keeled over dead and she would have gotten everything, instead of only half after I found such support and care in another, even if transitory. Think it through man. I've been down the road. Up to you. Hopefully the IC will help. You always have choices.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't love the drama, but these boards are the only place (outside of IC), I can talk to people and hear about other experiences... if you're tired of it, stop posting, I guess.

Actually my supposition was that it must be exhausting for you. You can correct me if I'm wrong.

 

How do I handle this? Oh, thanks for the note, I met someone else??

I'd gently suggest that, were your wife's feelings going to be a priority, you would have done many things differently over these past months.

 

Either love her or leave her

Perfectly given advice distilled down to six simple words. She deserves someone, whether you or another, that feels about her the way she apparently feels about you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Red123]

I can't speak for your wife but I don't think you are doing her any favours by staying with her and not loving her the way she loves you. As a woman I feel that it would be far more devastating to have a man stay with me as his second choice/ back up if I loved him the way her letter shows she loves you, than to have him leave me. I too separated from my H due to his infidelity and told him I didn't want him with me unless he loved me the way he should. I would rather be alone. I struggle to understand the mindset of MM who stay so their wives won't be hurt, when staying and not allowing them to find someone who will love them right is hurting them more. As you said in an above post your kids would adjust to the change if you separate, so misleading your wife isn't saving anything.

[waterwoman]

Poor woman. She wrote you an amazing love letter. She wrote it in desperate hopes I will help heal your marriage from its current malaise. She doesn't know that there is no hope for it. Doesn't she deserve more than you are giving her? Tell her the truth. She'll be devastated but right now she is worried and confused and you are doing nothing to ease her fears. If you were in mc with her, if the a was over and you wanted to reconcile and were pulling out all the stops for her, doing all you can to make her feel loved and safe, may be there would be no reason to tell her, but you aren't doing any of those things are you? She's in limbo.

[notserene]

That letter almost made me cry. I wonder what she would have written if she knew where your head really was.

[jackslife]

The bottom line is you didn't leave your wife and until you do all you are doing is talking the talk and not walking the walk. The OW is judging you by your actions, not by what you say. She see's you as a man who has betrayed his wife, but despite all his claims of marital happiness won't leave his wife.

 

She has done you a huge favour. You must draw a line under the affair and move on. Focus on your wife and your marriage. Don't tell W of the affair, instead start putting the effort and thoughts you had for the OW into W and the marriage.

 

That way one of two things will happen, you will realise what you have and revitalise the marriage or you will realise that you really don't love your wife and it will be time to move on. At least then you can D knowing you tried everything to make M and look your children in the eye when tell them the M is over.

 

Any woman who writes a man a note like that deserves your full attention and your 100% commitment to the relationship.

Edited July 16, 2014 by jackslife
missing text

[Owl]

Sherm...all I can think to say to you right now is this...

 

GUILT...we experience it for a reason.

 

What should you do in light of that note from your wife?

 

It's simple.

 

Either become the man who DESERVED to receive that note...or free her up to meet him and be with him.

 

IMO...you don't deserve that note right now, considering what you've done, and the baldface LIE that your marriage is right now.

 

Either change things and EARN the praise that this note offers you...or get the hell out of her life.

 

Harsh...but I'm really hoping you finally take some actual stock of who you are and what you're doing...and DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

[beatcuff]

Poor woman. She wrote you an amazing love letter. She wrote it in desperate hopes it [sic] will help heal your marriage from its current malaise. ....

 

been there and done that... at some point she will realize how foolish it was and how low she demeaned herself for the marriage. THEN be prepared, it will get VERY ugly. and you will deserve it (hint: go back to my first post on this thread).