My (not unique) story...

[shermanator]

I am glad you have told her something at least. I can understand your reluctance to open up completely - she has more or less told you not to! BUT... if you don't give her complete honesty how will your marriage survive, in what sort of state? If you were 100% committed to your wife and 100% certain that the OW and the affair were in the past and done with, and you could wave it all goodbye happily, maybe this would work, you could work on making your marriage stronger and your relationship with your wife a good one ...but you're still on the fence.

 

You will be fighting a battle on two fronts, for your marriage/wife and against the feelings for the OW. That is a hard and lonely battle if your wife doesn't understand how deep you got in the affair. She is your wife, she loves you, she has demonstrated that she sticks by your when life gets tough, maybe trust her to do it again against a far more serious problem.

 

BTW re third pregnancy - when I was pregnant with number 3 I wasn't sure about anything! He was a 'mishap' and much as I adore him now, I cried for about the first month of the pregnancy and was very unsure for the rest of it. No 3 is a real game changer IME - life is just much more challenging with 3 than 2.

 

Just a quick update, my W and I are still in MC and I'm still in NC with the OW.

 

My W is having a very hard time dealing with my A... to the point that she's told me she wishes I'd never said anything. My W thinks I told her about the A so she would leave and I could be alone.

 

She realizes that, when I was lying and drinking, she was a co-dependent and we were in a pretty solid cycle of lying/forgiveness, etc. I've been awful to her, though, and I can't figure out why.

[shermanator]

I'm not a fan of the trickle truth, but by the same token, if your wife flat out said "don't tell me anything more than what I have to know to move forward", she's telling you she doesn't want to know everything.

 

It's not common, but there are some folks out there who live like that.

 

I'd suggest that you have a one on one session with the MC...tell them the full truth, and have them figure out what your wife needs to hear and doesn't need to hear, based on her request.

 

Your comment about being able to say things in his office you couldn't have outside his office outlines one of the main reasons that MC was key to saving my own marriage back in the day.

 

After our last session, in which I talked about feelings I'd had for the OW, my wife said she resented me waiting to talk about that stuff in front of a counselor. I told her that, had I said something outside of his office, I knew it would have been combative and she would have thrown me out... since I didn't want that, I lied (told her there wasn't another woman), then waited until we were in an office to tell her... she was PISSED that I lied again, which I totally understand, but she doesn't seem to appreciate me finally coming clean about things.

[2sunny]

Just a quick update, my W and I are still in MC and I'm still in NC with the OW.

 

My W is having a very hard time dealing with my A... to the point that she's told me she wishes I'd never said anything. My W thinks I told her about the A so she would leave and I could be alone.

 

She realizes that, when I was lying and drinking, she was a co-dependent and we were in a pretty solid cycle of lying/forgiveness, etc. I've been awful to her, though, and I can't figure out why.

 

Surely you must know why.

 

If you don't know why then ask your counselor to help you understand why.

 

Searching truth - takes courage and strength. First you need to learn to be honest with yourself.

[Bittersweetie]

...since I didn't want that, I lied (told her there wasn't another woman), then waited until we were in an office to tell her... she was PISSED that I lied again, which I totally understand, but she doesn't seem to appreciate me finally coming clean about things.

 

No offense, sherm...but exactly how can your wife know that THIS TIME you're coming clean about things? You lied, and lied. You know you're telling her the truth, but how does she? Saying she "doesn't appreciate me finally coming clean" is really not validating her feelings or thoughts about what has just happened to her life.

 

I'm a WW and told my H. I doubt he believed anything I said for a while. Even when I said I was going to the grocery store, simple things like that. It is going to take time for her to decide if and when she can believe you again.

 

Good luck.

[shermanator]

No offense, sherm...but exactly how can your wife know that THIS TIME you're coming clean about things? You lied, and lied. You know you're telling her the truth, but how does she? Saying she "doesn't appreciate me finally coming clean" is really not validating her feelings or thoughts about what has just happened to her life.

 

I'm a WW and told my H. I doubt he believed anything I said for a while. Even when I said I was going to the grocery store, simple things like that. It is going to take time for her to decide if and when she can believe you again.

 

Good luck.

 

Yep... I totally understand that. She says she feels like she's near a nervous breakdown. Questioning everything (and going over details in her head) again and again and again.

 

She's flat out told me that she doesn't appreciate me telling her truth, after the fact. She hates that I lied to her a couple months ago and waited until now to tell her.

[Owl]

Does she still want to know the full truth now?

 

You clearly understand why she feels the way she does...the real question is...what are you doing to 'make up for it'? What are you doing to make sure that she knows she's getting the full truth now, what are you doing to prove to her that you're trying to become trustworthy now, where you haven't been for a very long time?

 

What are you doing to show her that you 'get it'...and that you are willing to make every effort possible to reconcile and rebuild your relationship with her?

 

That's your only hope for saving things now.

 

You have to convince her that you've learned from your foolish actions, and are truly changing.

 

And you'd better be...or it's all a waste of time, effort, and money.

 

So...what are you doing to help her see that?

[2sunny]

About seven months ago, we eventually started talking more, texting, etc, until she was all I was thinking about... after five months of talking/texting/visiting her at her place, we finally caved in and slept together. We were only together, off and on, six or seven times, until we couldn't take the guilt anymore... we agreed to step back until I figured out what to do with my marriage. She's told me that she loves me and can see a life with me and my kids - understanding how messy things might be.

 

 

Finally had sex with the OW?

 

We were ONLY together 6-7 times?

 

 

See - the words you chose - shows that you just don't value the M and your W very much.

[HereNorThere]

Yep... I totally understand that. She says she feels like she's near a nervous breakdown. Questioning everything (and going over details in her head) again and again and again.

 

She's flat out told me that she doesn't appreciate me telling her truth, after the fact. She hates that I lied to her a couple months ago and waited until now to tell her.

 

It's all fun and games until you come home and find the mother of your kids dead from suicidal depression. Are you happy that you've completely destroyed your wife's well-being and your family?

 

Leave and let them rebuild their lives before something more drastic happens. You at least owe her that given the circumstances.

[shermanator]

It's all fun and games until you come home and find the mother of your kids dead from suicidal depression. Are you happy that you've completely destroyed your wife's well-being and your family?

 

Leave and let them rebuild their lives before something more drastic happens. You at least owe her that given the circumstances.

 

Pretty sure we're not at that point... I haven't once said this is 'fun and games' for me, either.

 

My W wants to make it work, just can't believe I lied again. She's at her wits end with me. Doesn't want to give up because we are, at times, so happy together and we have 3 kids together.

[HereNorThere]

I guess I don't understand who you could love your wife and kids and continue to abuse them. It may not seem like it now, but one day they'll thank you for leaving. The healthiest thing you could do for those people is leave. They deserve to rebuild their life with someone who loves and protects them.

 

I don't expect this to something you understand.

[beach]

Pretty sure we're not at that point... I haven't once said this is 'fun and games' for me, either.

 

My W wants to make it work, just can't believe I lied again. She's at her wits end with me. Doesn't want to give up because we are, at times, so happy together and we have 3 kids together.

 

Why did you?

 

Think about it and answer.

 

You must have a reason for doing that knowing how hurtful it would be AGAIN.

 

 

Do you always have such a difficult time OFFERING your truth?

 

If nothing changes - nothing changes. And since it looks that way - there's no reason for your wife to stay with a habitual liar.

[Mr. Lucky]

If nothing changes - nothing changes. And since it looks that way - there's no reason for your wife to stay with a habitual liar.

What's missing in the general stone casting here is that the OP is (at last!) headed in the right general direction for both of them. They're in MC and, in his own "two steps forward/one step back" way, he's telling her what happened.

 

Painful? Yes...

Trickling out? Yes...

Hurtful? Yes...

 

Once it's done, decisions can be made. Until then, give him a little bit of credit for finally trying to do the right thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

I guess I don't understand who you could love your wife and kids and continue to abuse them. It may not seem like it now, but one day they'll thank you for leaving. The healthiest thing you could do for those people is leave. They deserve to rebuild their life with someone who loves and protects them.

 

I don't expect this to something you understand.

 

So, going NC with the OW, getting into MC with my W and trying to preserve our house and life is me continuing to abuse my kids?

 

I get that I'm not a saint and I've made a terrible decision but you know nothing about how much time/love/discipline/concern etc I've spent with my kids or how I've provided for them.

[shermanator]

Why did you?

 

Think about it and answer.

 

You must have a reason for doing that knowing how hurtful it would be AGAIN.

 

 

Do you always have such a difficult time OFFERING your truth?

 

If nothing changes - nothing changes. And since it looks that way - there's no reason for your wife to stay with a habitual liar.

 

She asked me if there was an OW about five or six months ago... I was in the middle of the A, totally in the fog. There was NO chance I was going to be honest with her, especially because it was still only an EA at that point... I didn't even realize that I'd replaced my W with the OW, from an emotional standpoint, at that point.

 

And YES, I've had a difficult time telling her the truth the ENTIRE time we've been together (married 12 years)... I'm afraid of her judging me, criticizing me, or me just doing something that's a 'no-no' in her eyes. I'm not sure I've ever accepted her unconditional love.

[shermanator]

What's missing in the general stone casting here is that the OP is (at last!) headed in the right general direction for both of them. They're in MC and, in his own "two steps forward/one step back" way, he's telling her what happened.

 

Painful? Yes...

Trickling out? Yes...

Hurtful? Yes...

 

Once it's done, decisions can be made. Until then, give him a little bit of credit for finally trying to do the right thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thank you, Mr. Lucky... I feel like I'm (sort of/finally) doing the right thing and it feels better to be (mostly) honest with her about what I did. It's awful to see how she reacts, though... MC (and our resulting conversations) have been tough.

[beach]

She asked me if there was an OW about five or six months ago... I was in the middle of the A, totally in the fog. There was NO chance I was going to be honest with her, especially because it was still only an EA at that point... I didn't even realize that I'd replaced my W with the OW, from an emotional standpoint, at that point.

 

And YES, I've had a difficult time telling her the truth the ENTIRE time we've been together (married 12 years)... I'm afraid of her judging me, criticizing me, or me just doing something that's a 'no-no' in her eyes. I'm not sure I've ever accepted her unconditional love.

 

So since you were THAT emotionally connected/bonding with your OW you had to know you were in an EA. No way you didn't know. You had to know and understand you were paying way more attention to the OW than to your W.

 

And you made your M a farce by failing to be honest the entire M.

 

Come on man, you can't even be honest with us - right here, right now.

 

And stop blaming her.

 

Judging you? You lied to. Her your WHOLE marriage!

 

I can't see why she should continue being in a M with a guy who simply knows nothing about being honest with self, us (complete. Strangers) and most of all your W.

 

Do her a favor and save her from MORE lies and heartbreak.

[shermanator]

So since you were THAT emotionally connected/bonding with your OW you had to know you were in an EA. No way you didn't know. You had to know and understand you were paying way more attention to the OW than to your W.

 

And you made your M a farce by failing to be honest the entire M.

 

Come on man, you can't even be honest with us - right here, right now.

 

And stop blaming her.

 

Judging you? You lied to. Her your WHOLE marriage!

 

I can't see why she should continue being in a M with a guy who simply knows nothing about being honest with self, us (complete. Strangers) and most of all your W.

 

Do her a favor and save her from MORE lies and heartbreak.

 

Not lying.. looking back, I see how blind i was, but I really didn't realize the strength the attachment I was forming with the OW.

[A.Moscote]

...I'm afraid of her judging me, criticizing me, or me just doing something that's a 'no-no' in her eyes...

Very understandable, we all afraid of that. So please buckle up and find your resolve shermanator. Convince yourself that you won't lie anymore even though you are very tempted to. You have to say the truth even though it is bitter and painful.

 

At the very least, if something can potentially be very hurtful to her, then just say that you prefer not to tell her yet, better than conjuring the opposite aka lie.

 

I hope whatever ending you'd get, it is the one based on you being truthful. Be patient, do your best in the MC, and persevere through the NC. Take care & good luck.

[jackslife]

Interesting that your wife said she wished you hadn't told her about the affair, but hates you for lying. Surely you can't do both?

 

Given that you've finally admitted the affair (lets be fair after weeks where you had decided you weren't going to), do you regret it? Do you wish you'd just kept schtum or is it that despite your wife being upset you are happy you have finally confessed?

[Snowflower]

She asked me if there was an OW about five or six months ago... I was in the middle of the A, totally in the fog. There was NO chance I was going to be honest with her, especially because it was still only an EA at that point... I didn't even realize that I'd replaced my W with the OW, from an emotional standpoint, at that point.

 

And YES, I've had a difficult time telling her the truth the ENTIRE time we've been together (married 12 years)... I'm afraid of her judging me, criticizing me, or me just doing something that's a 'no-no' in her eyes. I'm not sure I've ever accepted her unconditional love.

 

For some reason, I like this post. Not sure why, because it is a bit painful to read as a fBW but I see some honesty here, at least with yourself.

 

Does she know that you've had a hard time with lying your entire marriage? Does she know that you feel like you can't live up to her standards?

 

I'm sure it was "easier" with the OW. You didn't have to lie to her...she knew who you were already because you showed her...a man who would not live up to his word. There were no arbitrary "standards" for you to meet with the OW. She accepted you as you are...as someone who lies and cheats and didn't expect more from you...like your wife likely would. (probably a threadjack-but your post above seemed to have some flashes of self-realization in it so I wanted to jump on this while it was relevant)

 

By the way, it seems that when she says she wishes you never told her...it is because you gave her the truth wrapped in lies. My guess from the standpoint of a BW, that is what she really despises, the fact that you continued to lie even though there were bits of truth in your statement.

 

That is a very different thing than her saying she wishes you never told her anything about it. She is likely saying she hates how everything was presented as lie.

 

Make sense?

[BetrayedH]

it feels better to be (mostly) honest with her about what I did.

 

Are you still only being "mostly" honest with her? Can you now see that it's the dishonesty that has done the most harm? Are you done with lying to her yet?

[waterwoman]

I think you are getting there shermanator. I think it was the brave and right thing to do. She might not have wanted to know but IMO it was essential that she knew the extent of your affair. of course it hurts, it hurts like hell. And it's your chance to start telling her the 'entire truth' for the rest of your marriage. There is a risk that the rest of your marriage might not be very long but as you were considering leaving her for OW that was a possibility anyway - now it's driven by her rather than by you. That is right and fair. Now you both have a fair crack of the whip to make decisions about your future.

 

You sound a bit like my H. He never felt good enough for me - he hated to upset or disappoint me and sadly he did lots of stupid things in our first decade or so together. But like your wife I stuck by him, helped him clear up the mess, took on more responsibility. I admit to getting stressed about it all, to becoming a bit of a worrier. He stopped telling me bad things because he didn't want to damage the image I had of him further. He felt unvalued by me - IMO he should have felt more valued simply BECAUSE I stuck by him and supported him. I loved him unconditionally and that is what love is - staying and being strong IMO when life gets tough.

 

When I found out about his A, he took 48 hours to admit everything. For the first day it was 'she's just a friend, I was offering her support. Then that night he seemed fairly sure he was leaving me but wasn't going to be with her (so he said but his head was all over the place at the time). Then he came home from work mid-morning in tears, said he was sorry that he wasn't going anywhere and loved me. I was in a whirlwind! After that I got the full truth. Now he tells me that the desire to leave was simply the inability to yet again tell me how he had effed up again - he wanted to run away. But he didn't, even when I gave me a free pass to leave and be with her if he couldn't decide. I didn't kick him out. We both stayed and worked like crazy and made it through. It isn't easy for either spouse - it's painful, bloody, exhausting, at times demoralising, and you feel like you are going round in circles.... but it's been worth it.

 

One more thing to say before I shut up. I want the full facts now, always, all of them. If he is unhappy with me, with our marriage, he tells me. If he is worried about something, he must tell me. If he is gonig to lose his job, he tells me. And then we deal with whatever it is together as a team.

 

Good luck x

[2sunny]

How have you been doing with not drinking?

 

I was thinking how much an active drinker lies.

 

Maybe if you're still sober and have some newfound clarity it may be possible to begin learning what honesty looks like/feels like.

 

Are you doing any step work in AA?

[shermanator]

Are you still only being "mostly" honest with her? Can you now see that it's the dishonesty that has done the most harm? Are you done with lying to her yet?

 

I ran into the xOW the other day and I'm right back where I started...

 

My wife and I are still in MC and she's working on what has been described as a 'toxic emotional cloud' in therapy - while I work on speaking my truth to her.

 

The xOW still wants to be with me, despite us having LC for the last six months or so.

 

I guess, ultimately, I don't know what I want - to continue working on things with my wife (I think things had improved) or to jump ship. I feel like I haven't really been living or enjoying life over the last year or so and that bums me out, though.

[purplesorrow]

I ran into the xOW the other day and I'm right back where I started...

 

My wife and I are still in MC and she's working on what has been described as a 'toxic emotional cloud' in therapy - while I work on speaking my truth to her.

 

The xOW still wants to be with me, despite us having LC for the last six months or so.

 

I guess, ultimately, I don't know what I want - to continue working on things with my wife (I think things had improved) or to jump ship. I feel like I haven't really been living or enjoying life over the last year or so and that bums me out, though.

 

Yeah, life after an affair is rough. If you're not cut out for reconciliation, might as well bail. No need in wasting any more time.