My (not unique) story...

[thummper]

Don't torture your wife, you know, the lady you made vows with, the one who's stood by you. For God's sake, give her a break and let her go and find someone who is worthy of her. Go off and be with your "true love." We'll see how long that lasts once the fantasy is replaced reality The fog is finally going to lift and you'll see what you've lost. I wish nothing but good luck and good fortune for your betrayed lady. Her future without you has got to be better than the life she had with you.

Edited March 26, 2015 by thummper

[CarrieT]

You admit to having LC with the OW (which means she is NOT an "Ex"OW if you are in contact with her!).

 

Your marriage will not work if you have been leaving the lines of communcation eith the AP even partially open and telling half-truths to your wife.

[shermanator]

Don't torture your wife, you know, the lady you made vows with, the one who's stood by you. For God's sake, give her a break and let her go and find someone who is worthy of her. Go off and be with your "true love." We'll see how long that lasts once the fantasy is replaced reality The fog is finally going to lift and you'll see what you've lost. I wish nothing but good luck and good fortune for your betrayed lady. Her future without you has got to be better than the life she had with you.

 

I love that your signature is "If ya can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all (unless you can't avoid it. )" and you wrote that to me.

 

My wife and I HAD a great life together. We BOTH have things to work on. I'm not blame shifting and it's been hard work to make it this far.

[shermanator]

You admit to having LC with the OW (which means she is NOT an "Ex"OW if you are in contact with her!).

 

Your marriage will not work if you have been leaving the lines of communcation eith the AP even partially open and telling half-truths to your wife.

 

I get what you're saying... my wife has flat out told me that she doesn't want to know anything else. In MC, she told me and the therapist "I don't want to know anything else that happened. I just want to move forward." She doesn't want the whole truth.

[No Limit]

You've stayed in touch to OW so you're keeping that fantasy alive. At the same time your wife is obviously desperate to just stay a wife and close her eyes to everything else, so she's personally beating up whatever respect you have left for her everytime she does. She also simultanously blocks the way to true healing because of fear to confront what issues are there, even if majority of them weighs on you.

 

Get out of this marriage. You are driving your wife crazy and if OW turns out to be a cheating nut at least you'll have certainty and can move on in life.

[sweet_pea]

So basically the affair isn't over. LC is still contact, it's still communication, its still being deceptive and adding fuel to the affair. Your poor wife. She really deserves someone who will not only love her, but treat her well and respect her.

[violet1]

I get what you're saying... my wife has flat out told me that she doesn't want to know anything else. In MC, she told me and the therapist "I don't want to know anything else that happened. I just want to move forward." She doesn't want the whole truth.

Not everyone can handle the whole truth. Sometimes it just hurts too much. I understand her thinking. Why can't you?

 

 

The problem is that you are fence sitting. Make a decision and stick to it. Either recommit to your wife or let her go. You are making this much more difficult than it has to be. Try to put yourself in your wife's shoes. How would you feel if she stayed with you, went to MC, but was secretly talking to her OM behind your back? You said you've been LC with the OW? If that's the case then don't call her your ex. Keeping in touch is considered an emotional affair. Even if the conversations aren't frequent.

 

 

Why are you even in MC? As long as you continue to chat or see the OW, your marriage has NO chance. Why waste the money on MC? Own your actions and go see an attorney to discuss divorce. You are giving your wife a false reconciliation. It's all fake because I'm willing to bet she thinks you are NC not LC. I'm sorry, but you are torturing your wife. Are you seriously that self absorbed that you are incapable of seeing that?

[thummper]

I love that your signature is "If ya can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all (unless you can't avoid it. )" and you wrote that to me.

 

My wife and I HAD a great life together. We BOTH have things to work on. I'm not blame shifting and it's been hard work to make it this far.

 

You are the one who said you're right back in it and you don't know what you want. Yes, you may have had a "great life together" but you've pretty well scotched that, haven't you? I'm only pointing out the truth of your situation, and I stand by "unless you can't avoid it." In your case, I certainly couldn't avoid it. You're still stuck in the fog. Drop that woman like a bad habit (which I guess she was) and put your full attention back on your marriage.

[minimariah]

I feel like I haven't really been living or enjoying life over the last year or so and that bums me out, though.

 

over the last year or so you were both married AND in an A.

does that mean that you weren't happy with neither your W & the AP?

 

okay... you don't know what you want.

but do you know what you DON'T want? because, to be honest, it seems like you don't want to work or save your marriage. why didn't you go NC?

 

you can keep trying, but i mean... you need to be FULLY invested in your marriage in order for it to work. you're heart is simply not in it, no wonder you're struggling.

 

i don't know what to tell you.

i'd start talking with the W about a divorce if i were you, honestly.

[minimariah]

In MC, she told me and the therapist "I don't want to know anything else that happened. I just want to move forward." She doesn't want the whole truth.

 

she doesn't need to know any details about the A, what's the point? she needs to know WHY you did it, what issues you have with her and your marriage and if you want to fix it. why would she care about the AP & your relationship with her? the AP is irrelevant to your W & will always be irrelevant.

 

MC only works if you want it to work, really.

[minimariah]

you're heart is simply not in it, no wonder you're struggling.

 

YOUR heart.

 

gosh.

 

i hate when that happens.

[Seachan]

Shermanator,

 

I've read your entire thread. I'm neither a BW or a WW. Throughout most of your thread I felt total outrage on your wife's behalf. But then when you said you had not had sex for 5 months - and BW never said anything, I was like WTH??!! If my H and I go without sex for 1 week, I'm all over him. We've been together 30 years and are in our 50's. Sex is Extremely important in a marriage and a wife - who wants a happy, emotionally healthy husband - has a duty to keep that part of the marriage alive.

 

Your wife wrote you that beautiful love letter - but it was a lie. She ignored that she was not connecting with you intimately - which is the difference between a roommate and a loving spouse. Sure, some of that was on you since your head was with your OW, but BW was probably relieved that she didn't need to give to you physically during that time.

 

And then, during MC she flat out tells you she doesn't want the truth of your A - or any other "wrongdoings" (drinking,...) which *forces* you to live a lie in order to be with her. No wonder you are unhappy with BW. No wonder you are longing for OW. This is natural consequence - cause and effect - of you trying to live according to the illusion/mold that your BW wants from you.

 

Seems like your best course is to come clean with your BW about your A. Too bad she wants to live with delusions of a happy M with an H that is expected to go for months without sex just because she has no desire. That's selfish on her part. She needs to face the truth just as much as you need to give her the truth - so that you can both grow up and live an authentic life.

[Bittersweetie]

Why are you even in MC? As long as you continue to chat or see the OW, your marriage has NO chance. Why waste the money on MC? Own your actions and go see an attorney to discuss divorce. You are giving your wife a false reconciliation. It's all fake because I'm willing to bet she thinks you are NC not LC. I'm sorry, but you are torturing your wife. Are you seriously that self absorbed that you are incapable of seeing that?

 

Sherm, just because your wife "doesn't want to know anything else," doesn't mean that gives you permission to pick up where you left off. Which is where this is heading.

 

You are in a false reconciliation. Being in touch with OW, not telling your wife things, are huge red flags that nothing has changed in you.

 

I am a fWW who reconciled. And I worked my butt off, on me, on my relationship. There was no additional contact, no fence sitting, no talk of jumping ship. I was 100% totally and completely in. If you cannot do that, then there is really no point.

[Mr. Lucky]

over the last year or so you were both married AND in an A.

does that mean that you weren't happy with neither your W & the AP?

 

In these situations, I'm always struck by the fact the WS starts the A out of some real or perceived dissatisfaction with life and/or marriage. And yet, this search for more often ends up with less. Less happiness, less fulfillment, less satisfaction.

 

I feel like I haven't really been living or enjoying life over the last year or so and that bums me out, though.

 

Not surprising considering what you've done. Be careful what you wish for...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

Sherm, just because your wife "doesn't want to know anything else," doesn't mean that gives you permission to pick up where you left off. Which is where this is heading.

 

You are in a false reconciliation. Being in touch with OW, not telling your wife things, are huge red flags that nothing has changed in you.

 

I am a fWW who reconciled. And I worked my butt off, on me, on my relationship. There was no additional contact, no fence sitting, no talk of jumping ship. I was 100% totally and completely in. If you cannot do that, then there is really no point.

 

I haven't contacted the OW since our limited contact earlier this week... I'm going NC.

 

Getting sober has really changed my life and my wife is a wonderful woman, she just might not be the right woman for me.

 

I think I proposed to her because I thought it would help our relationship... our sex life had already fallen apart, I was lying/drinking/not living up to her 'expectations,' etc, and I thought that would solve things.

[shermanator]

In these situations, I'm always struck by the fact the WS starts the A out of some real or perceived dissatisfaction with life and/or marriage. And yet, this search for more often ends up with less. Less happiness, less fulfillment, less satisfaction.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I was happy when I was with the OW. I loved seeing her and spending time with her. And I know we didn't have any of the 'real life' issues - money, kids, dirty laundry, etc.... but I was happy when I was with her and I longed for her when I was away from her.

[thummper]

I haven't contacted the OW since our limited contact earlier this week... I'm going NC.

 

Getting sober has really changed my life and my wife is a wonderful woman, she just might not be the right woman for me.

 

I think I proposed to her because I thought it would help our relationship... our sex life had already fallen apart, I was lying/drinking/not living up to her 'expectations,' etc, and I thought that would solve things.

 

 

 

Good man!!!!! And good luck to you two. Cling to each other.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was happy when I was with the OW. I loved seeing her and spending time with her. And I know we didn't have any of the 'real life' issues - money, kids, dirty laundry, etc.... but I was happy when I was with her and I longed for her when I was away from her.

 

So, as has been asked many times, if the only thing standing between you and that happiness is your marriage, why not man up and leave?

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

So, as has been asked many times, if the only thing standing between you and that happiness is your marriage, why not man up and leave?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

House, kids, money, thinking that there's got to be something worth holding onto after 15 total years together.

 

Our MC basically said, when I was drunk, I found someone that I knew would never leave and would enable my behavior, so I clung to her.

[LifesontheUp]

People divorce every day. People who divorce, some of them have kids.

 

Let your wife go. You don't love her from what I can see from your posts.

[Mr. Lucky]

thinking that there's got to be something worth holding onto after 15 total years together.

 

Were that true, you wouldn't be with the OW.

 

House, kids, money

 

The house and money are just "stuff". You can always get more stuff.

 

Kids will survive. And they're better off with functional divorced parents than the current alternative...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

Were that true, you wouldn't be with the OW.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I understand that you can always make new memories, but I don't think it's fair to say that there's no value in trying to fix a relationship that's lasted 15 years.

 

If loving someone is wanting the best for them, I'm really torn on what to do. I feel like my wife does, on some level, deserve someone that can be open and honest with her, about everything... which I haven't been able to do.

 

But she wants, more than anything, us to work this out and stick together. As someone posted earlier, I think she wants to maintain the M partly because she'd rather keep living this way, which I think is kind of inauthentic.

[shermanator]

Shermanator,

 

I've read your entire thread. I'm neither a BW or a WW. Throughout most of your thread I felt total outrage on your wife's behalf. But then when you said you had not had sex for 5 months - and BW never said anything, I was like WTH??!! If my H and I go without sex for 1 week, I'm all over him. We've been together 30 years and are in our 50's. Sex is Extremely important in a marriage and a wife - who wants a happy, emotionally healthy husband - has a duty to keep that part of the marriage alive.

 

Your wife wrote you that beautiful love letter - but it was a lie. She ignored that she was not connecting with you intimately - which is the difference between a roommate and a loving spouse. Sure, some of that was on you since your head was with your OW, but BW was probably relieved that she didn't need to give to you physically during that time.

 

And then, during MC she flat out tells you she doesn't want the truth of your A - or any other "wrongdoings" (drinking,...) which *forces* you to live a lie in order to be with her. No wonder you are unhappy with BW. No wonder you are longing for OW. This is natural consequence - cause and effect - of you trying to live according to the illusion/mold that your BW wants from you.

 

Seems like your best course is to come clean with your BW about your A. Too bad she wants to live with delusions of a happy M with an H that is expected to go for months without sex just because she has no desire. That's selfish on her part. She needs to face the truth just as much as you need to give her the truth - so that you can both grow up and live an authentic life.

 

I've had these same thoughts, but I think I'm kind of using her 'illusion/mold' as an excuse to leave. I think, if I'd been honest from the beginning, she might have accepted me for who I am. I've lied about so many things, though, over the years, that it's totally understandable that she has her guard up all the time.

 

Like I said, when I was drinking and lying, our sex life was a mess... I remember the night I proposed, I was excited because I figured we'd get to have sex! Can you imagine?! Looking back, I think that was part of the reason I proposed! That's crazy.

[minimariah]

I understand that you can always make new memories, but I don't think it's fair to say that there's no value in trying to fix a relationship that's lasted 15 years.

 

there is but you need to fix it for the RIGHT reasons. and fixing it just because you had many years together is not the right reason.

 

just beause something falls apart, it doesn't mean that it was worthless. sometimes, things come to their natural end.

 

staying together in the name of your years together, in the name of the past memories & kids is a bad idea. eventually, the kids leave and it's just you and the W and that's when you start thinking about the "what IFs".

 

If loving someone is wanting the best for them, I'm really torn on what to do. I feel like my wife does, on some level, deserve someone that can be open and honest with her, about everything... which I haven't been able to do.

 

do what makes you happy.

 

if you do that, you'll help your wife. if you do what makes HER happy (& that leaves you unhappy) - it won't end good. doing what feels good to you will lead you to live an authentic life, which will lead to your W being able to find her own happiness and her own truth. without you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I understand that you can always make new memories, but I don't think it's fair to say that there's no value in trying to fix a relationship that's lasted 15 years.

 

With all due respect, through your affair you're the one placing a relative value on the 15 years of your relationship. And in market parlance, you're buying high and selling low.

 

I find it curious that almost every post in this thread questioning your actions gets a response from you about your intentions. It seems to be your way of deflecting any need for real thought about the impact of what you're doing. Based on your wife's responses, you may be quite literally driving her crazy...

 

Mr. Lucky