My (not unique) story...

[Mr. Lucky]

In MC today, she said that divorce would basically be the most horrific thing she could imagine. She said she never would have wanted kids, if she knew that we would get divorced...

 

Not an unusual statement by someone at her place in the infidelity learning curve. I'm sure she sees some version of the future where she's broke and alone, something you might promise wouldn't happen.

 

In light of what's already happened, don't know if she'd believe you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JohnsonBaby]

What your counsellor told you is correct ,people want to confess to eradicate the guilty feeling within themselves ,if you re not sure what to do DO NOT TELL HER . You will only cause unecessary drama ,pain and resentment . I will always be against this . It's plain stupid IMO. Just clear your mind ,find out what you really want and act accordingly ,but please don't be so stupid to tell her . Leave that to the naive who thinks honesty will conquer it all .

[elaine567]

In MC today, she said that divorce would basically be the most horrific thing she could imagine. She said she never would have wanted kids, if she knew that we would get divorced... I said that sounded drastic to me and that the kids are a blessing, whatever happens with us.

 

In her words, tearing apart a family is the most selfish thing you can do... splitting up, regardless of the situation, isn't okay, according to her.

 

EDIT: on a side note, 4 weeks of NC today.

 

On a side note, I am still thinking about her...

[elaine567]

In her words, tearing apart a family is the most selfish thing you can do... splitting up, regardless of the situation, isn't okay, according to her.

 

EDIT: on a side note, 4 weeks of NC today.

 

This is madness on her part, parents who do not get on, or who are harbouring distress, anger, resentment etc. or who have essentially checked out of the normal, healthy married life, emotionally damage their children.

GMA: Fighting in Front of Children, Emotionally Damaging - ABC News

[shermanator]

On a side note, I am still thinking about her...

 

? Of course I'm still thinking about her... coming to this site, going to IC, going to MC. All of those things contribute in one way or another to me still thinking about the OW.

 

I first started having feelings/noticing her approximately 2 years ago. We end up getting close, being intimate, etc - those emotions aren't just going to vanish in 4 weeks, right?

[LifesontheUp]

Are you frightened if you tell your wife you want a divorce, she will stop you seeing your kids?

 

Do not ever stay for the sake of the kids. Me and my siblings can vouch for the havoc and long lasting effects it'll have on your kids if you do.

 

Many marriages fail for various reasons - so what. Its better than staying to together, being unhappy and doing damage to your kids.............

[shermanator]

Are you frightened if you tell your wife you want a divorce, she will stop you seeing your kids?

 

Do not ever stay for the sake of the kids. Me and my siblings can vouch for the havoc and long lasting effects it'll have on your kids if you do.

 

Many marriages fail for various reasons - so what. Its better than staying to together, being unhappy and doing damage to your kids.............

 

No, I don't think she'd stop me... but I really don't know. She has the ability to get super angry and toxic and I'm not 100% sure how she'd respond. If we talked about it with our MC, I think he could reach her and make her understand the importance of us being able to maintain a functioning co-parent relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

If we talked about it with our MC

 

What stops you ??? Checked out from and unwilling to commit to your marriage, pining for your OW - doesn't a discussion about separation seem like the next step?

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

What stops you ??? Checked out from and unwilling to commit to your marriage, pining for your OW - doesn't a discussion about separation seem like the next step?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I haven't used the word pining in a while. Yes, I still think about her a lot, but I've been NC for a month (no texts, emails, calls, nothing) and I am trying to give my marriage a chance.

 

I think my wife and I have very different feelings about love and relationships. I once told her that, if she wanted to move to Europe and start writing about wine (or if she wanted to do something that would make her happy), I wouldn't stop her - that if that's what she thought she needed to do, I would let her go. If I told her I wanted to do that, she would tell me that I'm crazy and having a nervous breakdown.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think my wife and I have very different feelings about love and relationships. I once told her that, if she wanted to move to Europe and start writing about wine (or if she wanted to do something that would make her happy), I wouldn't stop her - that if that's what she thought she needed to do, I would let her go. If I told her I wanted to do that, she would tell me that I'm crazy and having a nervous breakdown.

 

interesting how you seem to be a passenger in your relationships. You let your AP dictate the terms of your affair and your wife seems to be in charge of what's left of your marriage.

 

You're not incapable of making your own determinations but unwilling to act on them. Everything you post about your relationship seems broken and you seem fully cognizant of that. So why cede all the decision making to your wife?

 

Mr. Lucky

[flowergirl14]

No, an open marriage isn't an option. My wife views success in life as having a family and maintaining what we have going. In her own words, if our marriage were to fall apart and if we divorced, she would view herself as a failure. Having a family and being a mom are the most important things to her.

 

I too take marriage and family very seriously. However, divorce does not necessarily equal failure. She probably feels like the kids would suffer the most. I know i would.

[shermanator]

interesting how you seem to be a passenger in your relationships. You let your AP dictate the terms of your affair and your wife seems to be in charge of what's left of your marriage.

 

You're not incapable of making your own determinations but unwilling to act on them. Everything you post about your relationship seems broken and you seem fully cognizant of that. So why cede all the decision making to your wife?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes, I'm Conflict Avoidant (probably due to my upbringing) and have taken on the role of a passenger in most of my relationships. With the AP, I don't know if I allowed her to dictate the terms... we were both clear/open about things. We fought, talked about things, acknowledged the guilt and pleasure we were both experiencing during the A.

 

I cede the decision making because that's what I've always done. I was underground for a long time.

 

I have no family or local support network. If we split up, I'm not sure where I could live or how I could afford it because of spousal support and child care costs. I make a decent living, but I'm not rich and we live in an expensive area...

[shermanator]

I too take marriage and family very seriously. However, divorce does not necessarily equal failure. She probably feels like the kids would suffer the most. I know i would.

 

In her eyes, divorce IS failure at life. A marriage and family are the end game to her. Yes, she's super worried about the kids. She works with kids and feels like divorce = damaged kids for life, no matter how the parents handle things.

[CarrieT]

In her eyes, divorce IS failure at life. A marriage and family are the end game to her. Yes, she's super worried about the kids. She works with kids and feels like divorce = damaged kids for life, no matter how the parents handle things.

 

Why do you feel compelled to bow to HER worldview and live in her reality?

 

You know - logically - that children survive divorce. Since you have experienced the potential love that could be yours for a lifetime, I'm really wondering why you are willing to settle for such a damaged and controlled life?

[Mr. Lucky]

Since you have experienced the potential love that could be yours for a lifetime

 

It was a long way back in the thread but I think his AP also married and only interested in fun and games, not a relationship with Sherm...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

Why do you feel compelled to bow to HER worldview and live in her reality?

 

You know - logically - that children survive divorce. Since you have experienced the potential love that could be yours for a lifetime, I'm really wondering why you are willing to settle for such a damaged and controlled life?

 

I guess that's the Million Dollar question, right? I've kind of rolled over and let my wife's worldview control our decisions for the most part.

 

My life is pretty safe and easy and is 'good enough,' I suppose. Leaving brings uncertainty, potential financial hardship, social fallout, etc.

 

Even at the beginning of our relationship, my wife pursued me. I liked having someone notice me and come after me... I didn't really have to do anything.

[shermanator]

It was a long way back in the thread but I think his AP also married and only interested in fun and games, not a relationship with Sherm...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, AP is single. We haven't spoken in a while, but she pretty recently (a little over a month back) said that she loves me and wants to be with me.

[minimariah]

I too take marriage and family very seriously. However, divorce does not necessarily equal failure. She probably feels like the kids would suffer the most. I know i would.

 

to a lot of people divorce IS a failure, they feel like they failed to mantain a family life... a marriage. they take it as a personal failure and i think the OP's W does that. but i mean... this might sound harsh, but that's her problem. if the OP didn't cheat and if he came to her, asked for a divorce without an A - she would STILL feel that way. if someone wants out... they want out. of course your partner won't be too happy about it but that doesn't mean you should stay so they wouldn't feel bad and that's something the OP can't quite get over.

 

i have a feeling that the OP has a very laidback, submissive nature when it comes to some big decisions hence him doing what his W says. that, on the other hand, is HIS problem and he'll have the same behavior with every other woman.

[shermanator]

your partner won't be too happy about it but that doesn't mean you should stay so they wouldn't feel bad and that's something the OP can't quite get over.

 

i have a feeling that the OP has a very laidback, submissive nature when it comes to some big decisions hence him doing what his W says. that, on the other hand, is HIS problem and he'll have the same behavior with every other woman.

 

Yes to both of these. Someone said it earlier, but I, often times, feel kind of like I'm a passenger in my own life. Just kind of going along with the ride.

[Furious]

Yes, I'm Conflict Avoidant (probably due to my upbringing) and have taken on the role of a passenger in most of my relationships. With the AP, I don't know if I allowed her to dictate the terms... we were both clear/open about things. We fought, talked about things, acknowledged the guilt and pleasure we were both experiencing during the A.

 

I cede the decision making because that's what I've always done. I was underground for a long time.

 

I have no family or local support network. If we split up, I'm not sure where I could live or how I could afford it because of spousal support and child care costs. I make a decent living, but I'm not rich and we live in an expensive area...

 

In actuality you're controlling. A type of covert control, in the sense that you are lazy and self centered and play the victim. This whole mess is all about you.

 

Not once in this thread have you expressed love and concern for your children. All you talk about is how expensive it will be to be divorced dad, and how it will affect YOU and YOUR standard of living. In the meantime you remain nostalgic over you affair and miss feeling so special.

 

You've got you wife in marriage counselling, and yet she doesn't know you've had an affair with a woman from the gym. Yet, you've got her trying to fix something she doesn't even know about. How do you look in the mirror, knowing you're a fraud.

 

Oh...yeah...your wife doesn't believe in divorce, maybe she'd believe in it if she knew you're a cheater and still pining for the gym lady. Maybe she'd believe in divorce if all you care about is your financial cost as opposed to the cost to your children.

 

The reality is you're the problem, and no matter what body of water your sailing on, you're still on the same boat. Seems as though, you're a liar and the person you lie to the most is yourself.

 

You have a choice, man up, be an example, maybe you should dock you boat and put your feet on firm ground.

Edited April 29, 2015 by Furious

[Mr. Lucky]

In actuality you're controlling. A type of covert control, in the sense that you are lazy and self centered and play the victim. This whole mess is all about you.

 

In general, there's 3 responses one can take to marital problems:

 

1). Address them

2). Deny them

3). Cheat

 

It's amazing how consistently conflict-avoidant WS use their inability to do 1). as a reason to justify 3).

 

shermanator is just another spouse blaming his wife for his failings...

 

Mr. Lucky

[shermanator]

In actuality you're controlling. A type of covert control, in the sense that you are lazy and self centered and play the victim. This whole mess is all about you.

 

Not once in this thread have you expressed love and concern for your children. All you talk about is how expensive it will be to be divorced dad, and how it will affect YOU and YOUR standard of living. In the meantime you remain nostalgic over you affair and miss feeling so special.

 

You've got you wife in marriage counselling, and yet she doesn't know you've had an affair with a woman from the gym. Yet, you've got her trying to fix something she doesn't even know about. How do you look in the mirror, knowing you're a fraud.

 

Oh...yeah...your wife doesn't believe in divorce, maybe she'd believe in it if she knew you're a cheater and still pining for the gym lady. Maybe she'd believe in divorce if all you care about is your financial cost as opposed to the cost to your children.

 

The reality is you're the problem, and no matter what body of water your sailing on, you're still on the same boat. Seems as though, you're a liar and the person you lie to the most is yourself.

 

You have a choice, man up, be an example, maybe you should dock you boat and put your feet on firm ground.

 

I've talked about my kids numerous times... Of course I'm concerned for their well being. Even 'my' financial considerations are about them. I don't really care where I live or what kind of material life I have, but I want to provide for them. I want them to feel safe and comfortable in a home.. like they do now.

 

My wife knows there was someone else... in her words, she doesn't want to know anything else.

 

And it's easy to drop in, attack me, write some stuff about sailing different waters and move on. I'm not pining or fantasizing about the OW. Yes, I still think about her - just like I would anyone who was part of my life for years.

 

My wife and I are actually communicating and talking. MC has made us BOTH see that we had issues... and I've been NC with the OW for over a month now. Isn't that some kind of progress?

[cocorico]

At this stage, what are you hoping for? What is your ideal outcome out of all this?

[Furious]

I've talked about my kids numerous times... Of course I'm concerned for their well being. Even 'my' financial considerations are about them. I don't really care where I live or what kind of material life I have, but I want to provide for them. I want them to feel safe and comfortable in a home.. like they do now.

 

My wife knows there was someone else... in her words, she doesn't want to know anything else.

 

And it's easy to drop in, attack me, write some stuff about sailing different waters and move on. I'm not pining or fantasizing about the OW. Yes, I still think about her - just like I would anyone who was part of my life for years.

 

My wife and I are actually communicating and talking. MC has made us BOTH see that we had issues... and I've been NC with the OW for over a month now. Isn't that some kind of progress?

 

Considering you started this thread in June 2014 and now say you've been in NC with the OW for over a month is not progress. How is that progress, if you're in marriage counselling and yet your wife doesn't know you have remained in contact with the OW except for this last month.

 

You claim your wife doesn't want to know, you claim your wife is against divorce and I get the feeling this is how you've manipulated the situation. if you were sincere you'd set her straight, if you were sincere you'd give her the truth because this passive aggressive style of yours is quite controlling.

 

It's obvious you prefer to omit, minimize and downright lie and mislead your wife. I believe it's you who doesn't want your wife to know the full truth as opposed to her not wanting to know. The gas lighting, the continued lies, the omissions, is not progress, it seems just more of the same coming from you.

 

I don't buy that your wife doesn't want to know, I see it as you downplaying the severity of the situation and she's not informed of it because you prefer it this way.

[Mr. Lucky]

MC has made us BOTH see that we had issues... and I've been NC with the OW for over a month now. Isn't that some kind of progress?

 

Do you mean progress back from where YOU put your marriage in the truck and drove it over the cliff?

 

This isn't about what you wife has or hasn't done. You're only in charge of you and responsible for your actions. If you were truly remorseful - which you don't seem to be - you'd be proactive and accountable in making things right.

 

That would look like this:

 

1). Honesty

2). Transparency

3). Integrity

4). Communication

5). Decisiveness

6). Compassion

 

And you'd do this if for no other reason than that's the type of person you want to be going forward. And maybe that would even be the type of person your wife would want to be married to - at least she'd have a real choice rather than this dodgy dance you've engaged her in...

 

Mr. Lucky