turnera Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Both of you should fill out the Love Busters questionnaire. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 We did stop, though. Ultimately, our guilt and selfishness (coupled with me not being available as often as my xAP wanted), led to us backing away. We never had a 'true' D-Day and my W doesn't know the true extent of the A - she has basically said 'I don't want to know anything else... I know that you had feelings for someone else and that's enough for me.' Because I let the EA grow and grow and grow while I fell in love the my xAP, I started to resent my W and just see her faults. I did that for a LONG time, which is making the reconnecting pretty tough. I'll tell you what our MC told me and my H. Resentment is poison and it will destroy everything it touches. You need to work on letting that resentment go before your marriage can heal. Letting go of that pain and anger that the resentment creates is quite freeing really. I feel so much better since I've let go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Don't underestimate your wife. She may say that she doesn't want to know, but I'm willing to bet she knows in her heart how far you went in your affair. Most BS's are not as naive as we would like to think. Every BS handles the pain from infidelity differently. She probably doesn't want it rubbed in her face. Everyone has limits of what they can take. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 I'll tell you what our MC told me and my H. Resentment is poison and it will destroy everything it touches. You need to work on letting that resentment go before your marriage can heal. Letting go of that pain and anger that the resentment creates is quite freeing really. I feel so much better since I've let go. I know... it really is poison. It colors everything she does, in my eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 (edited) Don't underestimate your wife. She may say that she doesn't want to know, but I'm willing to bet she knows in her heart how far you went in your affair. Most BS's are not as naive as we would like to think. Every BS handles the pain from infidelity differently. She probably doesn't want it rubbed in her face. Everyone has limits of what they can take. I agree with this 100% and I think it's part of her willingness to live in denial. I think, on some level, she knows and doesn't want to hear it or, like you said, have it thrown in her face. Mr. Lucky, in an earlier post, said something about a marriage of 'style over substance' and I think her NOT wanting to know everything syncs up with that. We made love last night (it was fun, we were both satisfied) and I found myself still drifting back to the OW, mid course. It's awful. Edited June 24, 2015 by shermanator Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 After 2 pretty good days, I'm STRUGGLING today. Can't stop thinking about the OW and the new guy that might be in her life. Having a hard time backing away and feeling indifferent...wishing that I was the one smiling and laughing with her. Posting her instead of reaching out to her, though. Trying to focus on my W and our family. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 After 2 pretty good days, I'm STRUGGLING today. Can't stop thinking about the OW and the new guy that might be in her life. Having a hard time backing away and feeling indifferent...wishing that I was the one smiling and laughing with her. Posting her instead of reaching out to her, though. Trying to focus on my W and our family. Good job for posting here Sherm! Stop thinking about her, redirect your thoughts. You are putting yourself through unnecessary misery. Push yourself, think about your kids, think about the life you've built with your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) After 2 pretty good days, I'm STRUGGLING today. Can't stop thinking about the OW and the new guy that might be in her life. Having a hard time backing away and feeling indifferent...wishing that I was the one smiling and laughing with her. Posting her instead of reaching out to her, though. Trying to focus on my W and our family. Why? why? (to both your tryings;)) im scared a beautiful love will end and the rest of us and our remnants will miss out on the beautiful children you could have created:( shame on you for neglecting love:cool: i know your in a difficult situation, sorry for interrupting:sick: Edited June 27, 2015 by Noideanow wrong word Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I agree with this 100% and I think it's part of her willingness to live in denial. I think, on some level, she knows and doesn't want to hear it or, like you said, have it thrown in her face. Mr. Lucky, in an earlier post, said something about a marriage of 'style over substance' and I think her NOT wanting to know everything syncs up with that. We made love last night (it was fun, we were both satisfied) and I found myself still drifting back to the OW, mid course. It's awful. How sad for your wife. What if your wife was thinking of another man while having sex with you? That's just about the cruelest thing I've read here. And you CAN control this. Yet your CHOICE is to allow your mind to wander to thoughts of your OW while in the midst of sex with your wife? What are you planning to do differently that stops handing so much of your power to this OW? You are doing this to your marriage. No one else is to blame but you - since you continue to allow YOUR mind to be filled with thoughts of this OW. Maybe a formal funeral for this OW is in order? Put the OW to rest in your mind. Anything to remove her from entering your thoughts and ruining all which COULD be good. Have you worked with the counselor on your very purposeful destruction of the marriage? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) How sad for your wife. What if your wife was thinking of another man while having sex with you? That's just about the cruelest thing I've read here. And you CAN control this. Yet your CHOICE is to allow your mind to wander to thoughts of your OW while in the midst of sex with your wife? What are you planning to do differently that stops handing so much of your power to this OW? You are doing this to your marriage. No one else is to blame but you - since you continue to allow YOUR mind to be filled with thoughts of this OW. Maybe a formal funeral for this OW is in order? Put the OW to rest in your mind. Anything to remove her from entering your thoughts and ruining all which COULD be good. Have you worked with the counselor on your very purposeful destruction of the marriage? I know it's sad for her... Honestly, if she were to drift off and think about someone else, I'd probably be ambivalent about it. That's how I handle most things in our relationship, which isn't good. My IC feels like I have some void I'm trying to fill with thoughts of the other woman and that I'm, perhaps, trying to punish myself for something by thinking about her constantly. And I hear you, but when we are mid love making and I'm 100% engaged, present and in the moment (as was the case again last night) and the OW flashes thru my head like a lightning bolt, it's not entirely my choice. When I'm alone and I start to drift, I can 'put the thoughts on a mental blackboard and wipe them off,' or use some other behavior technique that I've been taught in IC, but in the middle of sex.... when I thought I was present... I don't know what to do to prevent that from happening. I'm a mess, I know. I haven't even seen the OW in MONTHS. Haven't talked to her in MONTHS. And I continue to obsess. Edited June 27, 2015 by shermanator Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 What are you planning to do differently that stops handing so much of your power to this OW? You are doing this to your marriage. No one else is to blame but you - since you continue to allow YOUR mind to be filled with thoughts of this OW. Maybe a formal funeral for this OW is in order? Put the OW to rest in your mind. Anything to remove her from entering your thoughts and ruining all which COULD be good. Have you worked with the counselor on your very purposeful destruction of the marriage? A funeral isn't a bad idea... I'm so miserable. I can't believe I've done this. My W is a good woman... How/why I fell like this, I'm not sure I'll ever understand. I really feel like I still love the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 What does the OW do that your wife doesn't? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 27, 2015 Author Share Posted June 27, 2015 What does the OW do that your wife doesn't? She's confident in herself, laughs out loud, enjoys trying new things, makes me feel good about myself. I fell for her personality and her smile way before I found her physically attractive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 I know it's sad for her... Honestly, if she were to drift off and think about someone else, I'd probably be ambivalent about it. That's how I handle most things in our relationship, which isn't good. My IC feels like I have some void I'm trying to fill with thoughts of the other woman and that I'm, perhaps, trying to punish myself for something by thinking about her constantly. And I hear you, but when we are mid love making and I'm 100% engaged, present and in the moment (as was the case again last night) and the OW flashes thru my head like a lightning bolt, it's not entirely my choice. When I'm alone and I start to drift, I can 'put the thoughts on a mental blackboard and wipe them off,' or use some other behavior technique that I've been taught in IC, but in the middle of sex.... when I thought I was present... I don't know what to do to prevent that from happening. I'm a mess, I know. I haven't even seen the OW in MONTHS. Haven't talked to her in MONTHS. And I continue to obsess. Honestly, my opinion is that you don't want to let your OW go completely. You haven't contacted or seen her which is good, BUT you hold onto her in your thoughts, which isn't good. You are fixated on her and what she's doing with other men. Why are you afraid of letting her go? What is holding onto the memories of her doing for you? Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 She's confident in herself, laughs out loud, enjoys trying new things, makes me feel good about myself. I fell for her personality and her smile way before I found her physically attractive. I get that you were only answering a question, but focusing on OW's qualities is not going to help you. What does your wife do that your OW didn't? What are good qualities of your wife? What do you love about her? Why do you want to stay with her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 A funeral isn't a bad idea... I'm so miserable. I can't believe I've done this. My W is a good woman... How/why I fell like this, I'm not sure I'll ever understand. I really feel like I still love the OW. Then for God's sake, be a man, and divorce your wife so she can find a decent man who will LOVE her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Why? why? (to both your tryings;)) im scared a beautiful love will end and the rest of us and our remnants will miss out on the beautiful children you could have created:( shame on you for neglecting love:cool: i know your in a difficult situation, sorry for interrupting:sick: A beautiful love? Really? What's beautiful about deceiving and lying to your spouse behind their back? If love was enough, wouldn't the OP or your MM have left by now? It always boggles my mind when people are so fixated on love. A relationship can't last on love alone. Yes, love is important, but it's only a small part of the equation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pinklotus Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Have you and your wife been to MC together? The best defense against those obsessive thoughts and the pedestal you have your OW on is being close to your wife. And it takes work to get there again, and honesty. No, it doesn't mean you have to tell her every little detail if she doesn't want to know, and sometimes it's best not to in any case. It can cause mental movies that she won't ever be able to get rid of. But you've got to rebuild the intimacy in your marriage. When I have been tempted to contact or see my ex MM (EA) it is the closeness I feel with my husband that stops me. And the realization that I could not lie to him. My IC told me that when those feelings about the OM resurface, it's not really about him, it's about ME, and what is lacking somehow in my own psyche. Getting away from an affair where feelings are involved is very difficult. People think you can't love your spouse if you do such a thing. However, people who love their spouses very much can and do have affairs. If you feed another relationship, it grows alongside your primary one, until it starts to wither. Then you cannot ignore the problem any longer. You've stopped watering and tending to the affair. Put all of your effort into your marriage now, and see what grows. Realize that your OW is an escape. She is just a woman, and in time you'd likely regret losing your wife for what was only an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Honestly, my opinion is that you don't want to let your OW go completely. You haven't contacted or seen her which is good, BUT you hold onto her in your thoughts, which isn't good. You are fixated on her and what she's doing with other men. Why are you afraid of letting her go? What is holding onto the memories of her doing for you? Of course I don't want to let her good. I'm completely fixated on her... No joke, she probably goes thru my mind for hours every day. I go nuts thinking that she's sharing her smile and laugh with another man.. she made me feel so good about myself. Holding onto the memories is bringing me a lot of pain, so I'm not sure why I continue doing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 I get that you were only answering a question, but focusing on OW's qualities is not going to help you. What does your wife do that your OW didn't? What are good qualities of your wife? What do you love about her? Why do you want to stay with her? My wife is loyal, kind of funny, she's a responsible parent. She's a decent person. I want to stay with her because we have a decent life together and we have three kids. On paper, nothing about me leaving makes sense. Family, finances, etc... and if I hadn't ever met the OW, I don't know if I'd be feeling this way, which is a major red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 My wife is loyal, kind of funny, she's a responsible parent. She's a decent person. I want to stay with her because we have a decent life together and we have three kids. On paper, nothing about me leaving makes sense. Family, finances, etc... and if I hadn't ever met the OW, I don't know if I'd be feeling this way, which is a major red flag. You say you want to stay together because you have a "decent life together and you have three kids". You didn't say you wanted to stay together because you love her. Do you love your wife? Are you only staying for your kids and finances? I don't think I would want my husband to stay because we have decent life and three kids. I want my H to stay in my marriage because he loves me. I didn't feel like my H did love me, it was a main reason for my own A. I think it is important that you love your wife, and not just because she is the mother of your children. Do you love your wife? If so, tell us what it is about your wife that you love because saying someone is loyal, kind of funny, a responsible parent and a decent person does not sound like a man describing the woman he is in love with. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 On paper, nothing about me leaving makes sense. Family, finances, etc... and if I hadn't ever met the OW, I don't know if I'd be feeling this way, which is a major red flag. You probably wouldn't. As a fOW, this is one of the things I regret the most. That by being involved with him, I may have possibly corrupted the thoughts of a man who would have otherwise been happy had he not known me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Of course I don't want to let her good. I'm completely fixated on her... No joke, she probably goes thru my mind for hours every day. I go nuts thinking that she's sharing her smile and laugh with another man.. she made me feel so good about myself. Holding onto the memories is bringing me a lot of pain, so I'm not sure why I continue doing it. This is what you can work on with a counselor - you should feel good about yourself because you feel good about yourself. Not because someone else gives that to you. That's ego - and a need for attention. You can work on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 A beautiful love? Really? What's beautiful about deceiving and lying to your spouse behind their back? If love was enough, wouldn't the OP or your MM have left by now? It always boggles my mind when people are so fixated on love. A relationship can't last on love alone. Yes, love is important, but it's only a small part of the equation. Not for me:cool: its everything:love: wish you a lot of love;) but i dont think you know what i mean with that word:love: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 This is what you can work on with a counselor - you should feel good about yourself because you feel good about yourself. Not because someone else gives that to you. That's ego - and a need for attention. You can work on that. I do feel good about myself. My ego is healthy. I love her, though. For a long time, seeing her was my favorite part of my day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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