turnera Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Then I'll repeat: Do the decent thing, get your integrity back, by divorcing your wife so she can find someone she deserves. You are holding her hostage by lying to her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 You probably wouldn't. As a fOW, this is one of the things I regret the most. That by being involved with him, I may have possibly corrupted the thoughts of a man who would have otherwise been happy had he not known me. OT, but it might match the context: I don't believe that there wouldn't be a different OW - or multiple - if you (or shermanators's OW) hadn't been around. If the MM feels "bored" or not excited enough in his M, he might look elsewhere either way, no matter who's around. I think they can talk themselves easily into being smitten and in love with anyone, if the (subconscious) desire is inside them. I'm an OW myself and I'm skeptical. I hear all the soulmate and love talk, but I'm too realistic to believe it's all because of me. And all about me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 You probably wouldn't. As a fOW, this is one of the things I regret the most. That by being involved with him, I may have possibly corrupted the thoughts of a man who would have otherwise been happy had he not known me. My xAP has mentioned this before, too. She feels quite a bit of guilt.. We both do. It's why we broke it off without a true DDay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 My xAP has mentioned this before, too. She feels quite a bit of guilt.. We both do. It's why we broke it off without a true DDay. Same here. There was no DDay. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Not for me:cool: its everything:love: wish you a lot of love;) but i dont think you know what i mean with that word:love: You are right, I don't get what you mean. Look at what this "beautiful love" as you call it that the OP has for the OW has done to him. He's confused, conflicted and all over the place. He's a complete mess! That beautiful love has sure done him a lot of good hasn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 OT, but it might match the context: I don't believe that there wouldn't be a different OW - or multiple - if you (or shermanators's OW) hadn't been around. If the MM feels "bored" or not excited enough in his M, he might look elsewhere either way, no matter who's around. I think they can talk themselves easily into being smitten and in love with anyone, if the (subconscious) desire is inside them. I'm an OW myself and I'm skeptical. I hear all the soulmate and love talk, but I'm too realistic to believe it's all because of me. And all about me. Maybe but there are some MM and MW who are ripe for an A (lonely, love-starved, deprived, listless, etc.) but aren't aware of the severity of their state. It's more quietly simmering under the surface and they have accepted it as the way things are (even tho they aren't happy). So, they aren't looking for an A and it surprises them when they start to feel these things that they never thought they could or would again. They don't know what to do then. Contrast that to a MM or MW who is aware of all of these feelings and thus is looking for an A but intends to stay married - they are more likely to be a serial cheater. You can see these types on married-seeking-married dating sites (although not all of them join sites like that). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Then I'll repeat: Do the decent thing, get your integrity back, by divorcing your wife so she can find someone she deserves. You are holding her hostage by lying to her. I agree with this Sherm. I'll admit, I do have issues connecting with my H again after my H. It's something I'm working on daily. The Affair tainted me and my M. For that reason alone, I see cheating as the most self destructive thing a person can do to themselves. I did everything to push my exAP out of my head. Especially after I broke NC 2 months after D Day. You are making this too damn difficult. Either you want to make this marriage work or you don't. If you do, let the OW go. You can't just do it because it's the right thing. Do it because you want your marriage to grow and thrive. You don't want to let the OW go completely. This is why I have told you your marriage is toxic. Your wife can't compete with that. You have put her in a lose, lose situation. Everyone here can try to help and push you in the right direction, but you have to want it yourself. It's obvious that you don't. Man up and leave your wife. She deserves a man who is thinking about only her when she makes love to him. Can you be that man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Maybe but there are some MM and MW who are ripe for an A (lonely, love-starved, deprived, listless, etc.) but aren't aware of the severity of their state. It's more quietly simmering under the surface and they have accepted it as the way things are (even tho they aren't happy). So, they aren't looking for an A and it surprises them when they start to feel these things that they never thought they could or would again. They don't know what to do then. Contrast that to a MM or MW who is aware of all of these feelings and thus is looking for an A but intends to stay married - they are more likely to be a serial cheater. You can see these types on married-seeking-married dating sites (although not all of them join sites like that). That's quite a blanket statement. I found my exMM online and I am NOT a serial cheater. People who are married and start developing feelings for an other person know exactly what they are doing. They aren't ripe for an A. If they are so shocked by their feelings for another, they are certainly welcome to mention it to their spouse. Even Sherm admitted that he knew his developing feelings for the OW was wrong, but he was too weak to stop. You are trying to justify reasons for having an affair. In my personal opinion and it's fine if you disagree, but only weak and selfish people cheat. I'm including myself in this as well. I was very selfish, weak and a complete coward. It takes courage to speak your mind when you develop feelings for another person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) That's quite a blanket statement. I found my exMM online and I am NOT a serial cheater. I didn't say online, I said on a dating site. That makes it deliberate. And I never said they weren't weak or selfish or ever justified having an A. I am a proponent of divorce if your stuff is bad. But yes some (note the word SOME) are surprised by their feelings. You make blanket statements too. Edited June 28, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I didn't say online, I said on a dating site. That makes it deliberate. And I never said they weren't weak or selfish or justified having an A. But yes some (note the word SOME) are surprised by their feelings. You make blanket statements too. Either way, whether taken by surprise or not, the cheater is aware of the fact that he or she needs to get the passion and the romantic feelings from somebody else, but not their spouse. This means that they have come to the conclusion within the realms of their M, that romance and compassion and "soulmate-ship" need to be found elsewhere, because they cannot be recovered inside the marriage itself. So it is quite clear that they know what they're doing, and they're doing it because they are unable to recover certain things within their marriage. We can say now and draw the conclusion that in our modern siciety people feel very much entitled to feeling the feeling of pure romance and passion, and when they don't have it in their primary, official relationships, they feel entitled to looking for it elsewhere. Because let's be honest here. If you, as a spouse, feel that the romance and the passion have gotten lost in your M, it is very unlikely that it will be recovered. And people know that and people act accordingly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I meant society of course - not siciety But either way...of course there are those who try to recover those feelings. But in my experience this is just a surface action. And it's not genuine. Most people know that when passion and romance have been lost: There's no way back. They either live with it and have affairs, or separate. And divorce. Or try to cover up and pretend everything's dandy. But they know it's not. This is the result of our instant gratification society. Everybody feels entitled to something. And everything. And if it's romance and passion, they feel entitled to throwing away a family. Fact. Whether or not they actually do it, and they follow through with it, is a different story, but they will all always feel like there's something missing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 You are right, I don't get what you mean. Look at what this "beautiful love" as you call it that the OP has for the OW has done to him. He's confused, conflicted and all over the place. He's a complete mess! That beautiful love has sure done him a lot of good hasn't it? Seriously... I'm going on 2+ years of spending every day thinking about the OW, while living with my W and kids. TWO YEARS. WTF is my problem? This isn't some fairy tale and love can't just conquer all. I'm a total mess. Every morning, I wake up and think about her. If I'm busy during the day, it's just a brief break in between thinking about her. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 All of this feeling bad is exhausting. Don't you get tired of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Then I'll repeat: Do the decent thing, get your integrity back, by divorcing your wife so she can find someone she deserves. You are holding her hostage by lying to her. I have nowhere to go, no family nearby, no friends to lean on and she's convinced that she's in love with me. She is happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 Maybe but there are some MM and MW who are ripe for an A (lonely, love-starved, deprived, listless, etc.) but aren't aware of the severity of their state. It's more quietly simmering under the surface and they have accepted it as the way things are (even tho they aren't happy). So, they aren't looking for an A and it surprises them when they start to feel these things that they never thought they could or would again. They don't know what to do then. Contrast that to a MM or MW who is aware of all of these feelings and thus is looking for an A but intends to stay married - they are more likely to be a serial cheater. You can see these types on married-seeking-married dating sites (although not all of them join sites like that). I think this kind of describes me... I wasn't look for an A and sort of can't believe it happened AND that I fell in love with the OW. I was smitten with her long before anything happened and never really thought it would become a reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 I agree with this Sherm. I'll admit, I do have issues connecting with my H again after my H. It's something I'm working on daily. The Affair tainted me and my M. For that reason alone, I see cheating as the most self destructive thing a person can do to themselves. I did everything to push my exAP out of my head. Especially after I broke NC 2 months after D Day. You are making this too damn difficult. Either you want to make this marriage work or you don't. If you do, let the OW go. You can't just do it because it's the right thing. Do it because you want your marriage to grow and thrive. You don't want to let the OW go completely. This is why I have told you your marriage is toxic. Your wife can't compete with that. You have put her in a lose, lose situation. Everyone here can try to help and push you in the right direction, but you have to want it yourself. It's obvious that you don't. Man up and leave your wife. She deserves a man who is thinking about only her when she makes love to him. Can you be that man? Yes, I agree. This has been the most destructive thing I've done. I'm a mess, torturing myself for some reason. If it was only physical, it would be one thing... having never done it, I feel like a NSA ONS would be one thing to get past, but this is eating away at me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 That's quite a blanket statement. I found my exMM online and I am NOT a serial cheater. People who are married and start developing feelings for an other person know exactly what they are doing. They aren't ripe for an A. If they are so shocked by their feelings for another, they are certainly welcome to mention it to their spouse. Even Sherm admitted that he knew his developing feelings for the OW was wrong, but he was too weak to stop. You are trying to justify reasons for having an affair. In my personal opinion and it's fine if you disagree, but only weak and selfish people cheat. I'm including myself in this as well. I was very selfish, weak and a complete coward. It takes courage to speak your mind when you develop feelings for another person. I was way too big a coward to tell my wife I was developing feelings or thinking about another woman. In hindsight, I wish I had. I wish I'd told her when I started to resent her... we could have handled it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 All of this feeling bad is exhausting. Don't you get tired of it? Of course. The worst is when I'm actually having a good time, then a thought of the OW shoots through my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I think this kind of describes me... I wasn't look for an A and sort of can't believe it happened AND that I fell in love with the OW. I was smitten with her long before anything happened and never really thought it would become a reality. During your marriage, did you have a habit of developing crushes on women before OW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 I meant society of course - not siciety But either way...of course there are those who try to recover those feelings. But in my experience this is just a surface action. And it's not genuine. Most people know that when passion and romance have been lost: There's no way back. They either live with it and have affairs, or separate. And divorce. Or try to cover up and pretend everything's dandy. But they know it's not. This is the result of our instant gratification society. Everybody feels entitled to something. And everything. And if it's romance and passion, they feel entitled to throwing away a family. Fact. Whether or not they actually do it, and they follow through with it, is a different story, but they will all always feel like there's something missing. Yes. My W is a smart woman... I feel like, on some level, she HAS to know that something is still amiss. She's gone pretty 'head in the sand' though and wants to just keep moving along. I'm not looking to 'throw away' a family, though. I never want to abandon my kids and I love them to death. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) During your marriage, did you have a habit of developing crushes on women before OW? I'd probably had 1 or 2 crushes in 10 years.. Yes. Nothing ever happened and I never acted on them. This is after we got married. I cheated on my wife and lied to her about things BEFORE we got married. Edited June 28, 2015 by shermanator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Either way, whether taken by surprise or not, the cheater is aware of the fact that he or she needs to get the passion and the romantic feelings from somebody else, but not their spouse. This means that they have come to the conclusion within the realms of their M, that romance and compassion and "soulmate-ship" need to be found elsewhere, because they cannot be recovered inside the marriage itself. So it is quite clear that they know what they're doing, and they're doing it because they are unable to recover certain things within their marriage. We can say now and draw the conclusion that in our modern siciety people feel very much entitled to feeling the feeling of pure romance and passion, and when they don't have it in their primary, official relationships, they feel entitled to looking for it elsewhere. Because let's be honest here. If you, as a spouse, feel that the romance and the passion have gotten lost in your M, it is very unlikely that it will be recovered. And people know that and people act accordingly. I don't know about the entitled part.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 It's not reality. Not by a long shot. You are so hung up in the fantasy of it all, you've sucked yourself right into a pathetic, pity-party mentality. When I suggested speaking to a lawyer, I meant it. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of what reality will look like to you if you don't get your sh*t together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 28, 2015 Author Share Posted June 28, 2015 It's not reality. Not by a long shot. You are so hung up in the fantasy of it all, you've sucked yourself right into a pathetic, pity-party mentality. When I suggested speaking to a lawyer, I meant it. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of what reality will look like to you if you don't get your sh*t together. I was thinking about your advice this morning... I should do it. So many people are saying that money and kids aren't a reason to stick together, though, so I'm not sure what seeing a lawyer will do. He or she will probably tell me what a nightmare it'll be, how much it'll cost, etc. I'm not just hooked into some fantasy. I think about just spending time with the OW, paying bills with her, going for walks around the neighborhood, whatever. Not hot air balloon rides and sex marathons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I'll tell you what my ball-breaker lawyer told me. 1. I was entitled to no less than half, regardless of what my minimal financial plan was and she would not sign off on anything less. 2. Go home and fix your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
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