Noideanow Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 You are right, I don't get what you mean. Look at what this "beautiful love" as you call it that the OP has for the OW has done to him. He's confused, conflicted and all over the place. He's a complete mess! That beautiful love has sure done him a lot of good hasn't it? Offcourse because that beautiful love is not his:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I have nowhere to go, no family nearby, no friends to lean on and she's convinced that she's in love with me. She is happy. Then you, sir, are a selfish USER. I feel sorry for your wife and kids, for getting roped into being related to such a selfish person. You should be ashamed of yourself. And PLEASE stop trying to tell us she is happy. You've been ignoring her FOR YEARS. She, by now, has convinced herself that SHE is the problem here and doesn't deserve a decent husband. Does your mother know you do this to people? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) I'll tell you what my ball-breaker lawyer told me. 1. I was entitled to no less than half, regardless of what my minimal financial plan was and she would not sign off on anything less. 2. Go home and fix your marriage. So your suggestion is that Sherm go find out what this will cost him and go home and fix his marriage because of the cost of divorce? Can a marriage be fixed when the love is not there? Can someone here on this forum give me a personal experience that happened to them when thy had fallen out of love with their spouse or maybe never were in love with their spouse and they "fixed" their marriage? I really want to know if this is possible because it is the suggestion I see all the time. I want to hear from people who "fixed" their marriage and have regained or learned how to love their spouse and to be sexually attracted to their spouse again. Shermanator has been pretty honest about himself. He wasn't looking for an affair but he was aware there were resentments which were effecting his M. I was on the same boat. I had never thought of or considered an affair. I had never even looked at another man with interest. Popsicle described it pretty well Originally Posted by Popsicle Maybe but there are some MM and MW who are ripe for an A (lonely, love-starved, deprived, listless, etc.) but aren't aware of the severity of their state. It's more quietly simmering under the surface and they have accepted it as the way things are (even tho they aren't happy). So, they aren't looking for an A and it surprises them when they start to feel these things that they never thought they could or would again. They don't know what to do then. Someone said this was an entitlement issue. I didn't feel entitled at all. The feeling I had for my MM just happened. We clicked like I've never clicked with anyone. Maybe I should have said something to my spouse when this happened, but I even think by then it was too late. And before that happened, I just assumed that I would stay married no matter how I felt, lonely, resentment, unconnected. I couldn't see how it would change. I talked to my H before about issues and nothing changed. So I just had to suck it up and accept it in order to stay married. Is that what we are asking Shermanator to do or can he rekindle something with his wife? How does he do that if her head is in the sand? I don't think Shermanator is a selfish user. He is stuck in an impossibly difficult situation with no easy answers. Yes it is a situation of his own making, but something he never expected to happen. Edited June 28, 2015 by Babs22 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 She wanted me to fully understand the financial burden and lifestyle change I would be thrusting my family into, for starters. Secondly, she wanted me to be aware of how childish and selfish I was being. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 She wanted me to fully understand the financial burden and lifestyle change I would be thrusting my family into, for starters. Secondly, she wanted me to be aware of how childish and selfish I was being. Did you then fix your marriage? Were you able to rekindle your love and your feelings for your wife? Were you able to reconnect and become physically attracted to your wife again? Or did you just suck it up in order to keep your family intact and finances in check? If you did rekindle your M, how did that happen? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 We did, against all odds. It was definitely not an over-night process and we are still making changes and tweaking our relationship. Initially, I will admit, it was a head over heart decision as far as whether we could truly make it work again as a husband and wife. We both had a lot of resentment and anger to overcome and forgive and a lot of behaviour to change. He was willing to take on the challenge with me. I absolutely did not deserve the chance he gave us. He deserved my whole-hearted commitment once reconciliation was on the table. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 We did, against all odds. It was definitely not an over-night process and we are still making changes and tweaking our relationship. Initially, I will admit, it was a head over heart decision as far as whether we could truly make it work again as a husband and wife. We both had a lot of resentment and anger to overcome and forgive and a lot of behaviour to change. He was willing to take on the challenge with me. I absolutely did not deserve the chance he gave us. He deserved my whole-hearted commitment once reconciliation was on the table. So the two of you have reconnected and feel in love with each other? You feel sexually attracted to your H again? How long was your affair and how long did it take to "fix" your marriage? I'm assuming you went to MC, how long have you been in MC? Also, how long before your heart recovered from ending it with MM? I appreciate you answering these questions as I feel your replies might help both Shermanator and myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 She wanted me to fully understand the financial burden and lifestyle change I would be thrusting my family into, for starters. Secondly, she wanted me to be aware of how childish and selfish I was being. Interesting. I don't know any lawyers here that would encourage or discourage anyone from getting a divorce. They just do what you ask. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 So your suggestion is that Sherm go find out what this will cost him and go home and fix his marriage because of the cost of divorce? Can a marriage be fixed when the love is not there? Can someone here on this forum give me a personal experience that happened to them when thy had fallen out of love with their spouse or maybe never were in love with their spouse and they "fixed" their marriage? I really want to know if this is possible because it is the suggestion I see all the time. I want to hear from people who "fixed" their marriage and have regained or learned how to love their spouse and to be sexually attracted to their spouse again. Shermanator has been pretty honest about himself. He wasn't looking for an affair but he was aware there were resentments which were effecting his M. I was on the same boat. I had never thought of or considered an affair. I had never even looked at another man with interest. Popsicle described it pretty well Originally Posted by Popsicle Someone said this was an entitlement issue. I didn't feel entitled at all. The feeling I had for my MM just happened. We clicked like I've never clicked with anyone. Maybe I should have said something to my spouse when this happened, but I even think by then it was too late. And before that happened, I just assumed that I would stay married no matter how I felt, lonely, resentment, unconnected. I couldn't see how it would change. I talked to my H before about issues and nothing changed. So I just had to suck it up and accept it in order to stay married. Is that what we are asking Shermanator to do or can he rekindle something with his wife? How does he do that if her head is in the sand? I don't think Shermanator is a selfish user. He is stuck in an impossibly difficult situation with no easy answers. Yes it is a situation of his own making, but something he never expected to happen. The mindset of my feelings for my AP just happened is damaging to you and your M. It's like saying you had no control. Which is untrue. It didn't just happen, you allowed it to. Accepting that you have poor boundaries and/or poor coping skills is first step to recovery. I also begged my H for change and etc before my A. I had to accept my responsibility. I should have put my foot down, but I was scared and tired. I was tired of fighting and scared of change. Cheating was easier than getting a divorce. It hasn't been easy and I do struggle connecting with my H at times, but my marriage is better than it has ever been. Babs, it's not impossible, but reconciliation is not for the weak, but neither is divorce. You need to want to make your M work. You need to be willing to work on yourself and fight for your M. If you don't, then you need to put your big girl panties on and leave your M. It sounds harsh, but life is too short to be in misery. I've stated it many times, but the fear of unknown is what paralyzes us. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 So the two of you have reconnected and feel in love with each other? Yes. Without question, without doubt. You feel sexually attracted to your H again? I do. We still have work to do to come into the middle with that, I have physical intimacy issues and anxiety that I still need to overcome. He has been very accommodating and much more understanding. We are working on it. How long was your affair The EA was much longer than the PA, We conversed on and off for about 5 years before it turned into a brief PA and how long did it take to "fix" your marriage? We are about 3.5 years out and it was around 2.5 year mark before we really began to really feel safe with each other. I'm assuming you went to MC, how long have you been in MC? No MC, A lot of reading, reflecting, and soul searching for me. I refused to be afraid to initiate conversation, even though it was uncomfortable. Rugsweeping and Trickle Truth wasn't going to solve our marital issues. Also, how long before your heart recovered from ending it with MM? I don't know that it is recovered. I beat myself up regularly and still have moments I want to throw up. I appreciate you answering these questions as I feel your replies might help both Shermanator and myself. Answers in bold. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Interesting. I don't know any lawyers here that would encourage or discourage anyone from getting a divorce. They just do what you ask. She kicked my ass. It was the last thing I expected, too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 Then you, sir, are a selfish USER. I feel sorry for your wife and kids, for getting roped into being related to such a selfish person. You should be ashamed of yourself. And PLEASE stop trying to tell us she is happy. You've been ignoring her FOR YEARS. She, by now, has convinced herself that SHE is the problem here and doesn't deserve a decent husband. Does your mother know you do this to people? I am ashamed of myself. She considers me a decent husband. She's pissed, sure, but I have ZERO doubt that she THINKS she is happy. And that we are in a good place. My mother is not aware of any of this... she's another chapter, altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 It's an illusion to your W - which isn't fair at all to her. Thinking that much about your OW while pretending on that level with your W is just sad from your wife's perspective. I can only surmise that you haven't b en honest with your wife at all - on any level. Lay out the honesty for your wife - so she has the opportunity to make an educated decision for herself based on truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Can someone here on this forum give me a personal experience that happened to them when thy had fallen out of love with their spouse or maybe never were in love with their spouse and they "fixed" their marriage? I really want to know if this is possible because it is the suggestion I see all the time. I want to hear from people who "fixed" their marriage and have regained or learned how to love their spouse and to be sexually attracted to their spouse again. My H and I were living in separate parts of the country when I had my A. The A ended just before my H moved back with me. At first I was like, who is this guy? But then I rediscovered how great he was, I realized how much I liked him, and how much I loved him. Then d-day happened, and when it did, I already knew I wanted to stay with my H if he would have me. I was fortunate and he did give me a second chance. I worked on myself and we both worked on our marriage. We addressed all the issues that had been out there prior to d-day, prior to my A; everything, good and bad, was on the table. We fixed our marriage, we fixed our sex life. The way we did it is that we made our relationship the top priority in our lives. Was it easy? Heck no. But by putting us as a priority it allowed us to rebuild the foundation of our relationship. We both were all in 100%. And that rebuilding came in handy when our son was born. The first 18 months of his life were very stressful and we both helped each other get through it. I'm not sure we have coped as well if we hadn't done all that work to rebuild our relationship. Hope this helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 It's an illusion to your W - which isn't fair at all to her. Thinking that much about your OW while pretending on that level with your W is just sad from your wife's perspective. I can only surmise that you haven't b en honest with your wife at all - on any level. Lay out the honesty for your wife - so she has the opportunity to make an educated decision for herself based on truth. No, I haven't been 100% honest with my wife... style over substance is our relationship. In IC today, my therapist said I have serious emotional intimacy issues... I drank for a long time because I was scared to get open and honest with people. Then, instead of talking to my wife, I had an EA and a PA. Now I've put myself in no man's land. I asked her about the 'truth setting me free' and she said I should do it in MC. And that I should probably make plans to be out of the house for a while. We have an appointment this afternoon, but I'm not sure I can bring myself to fully unload. And today is our 13th wedding anniversary. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 (edited) No better time to get completely honest than right now. Half measures availed us nothing. You can't feel free unless truth is offered. Edited June 29, 2015 by beach 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 No time like the present. Retake your dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 You mentioned being a drunk and lying to your wife earlier in your marriage. Do you see any parallels between your previous addictive behavior and your feelings toward OW? If you are "self medicating" would you consider ways to address your needs that don't involve blowing up your family's life? My WH indulged his desires and destroyed our M before he figured out OW was just a fantasy. I expect a real man would protect his wife and family. A real man would fight his demons till the death before he let them destroy the home and happiness of those he loves. But what do I know of such men and such love? Only what I read in books. ***************************************************************** So would a REAL Woman and a Real Wife...This Sh$t is not limited to real Men..But i do understand you anger.. badkarma2013 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Oh, her anger is already coming out. After I told her yesterday, one of the first things she said is "I'm going to make sure those kids know what kind of ********* you are and that they understand what you did to them and this family." There is NOTHING my wife could do (or anyone) that would make me think "Oh...I've got to tell the kids what a horrible person she is." ***************************************************************** So would a REAL Woman and a Real Wife...This Sh$t is not limited to real Men..But i do understand you anger.. badkarma2013 OMgod do you people really believe yourself when you advice a man to commit suicide (mentally) for the wellbeing of the wife and children? Do the wife love him if his happiness is not equally important? How should it ever benefit the children to have a dead father? The children doesnt want anybody they depend on to sacrifice themselves for them, but such wifes or husbands like you princesses seem to place more value on your satisfaction than your socalled "loved partner". Its time you ask yourselves if you really love your partner or the comfort they give you, its time to look your fears in the eyes and stop depending solely on one person who you then cannot listen wholeheartedly to with concern for his/her emotions, how can one enjoy the company of someone who is only with you out of duty or bad conciousness. Time to look in the mirror your even more selfish than the cheater:mad: sorry 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 ***************************************************************** So would a REAL Woman and a Real Wife...This Sh$t is not limited to real Men..But i do understand you anger.. badkarma2013 This particular thread is about a WH who is cheating on his wife....so yes, her comment about a real man makes sense, and it really isn't necessary to do the "women do it too" dance. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 He is going into his (at best) fifth season of chewing on his own sh*t. Sooner or later he has to decide whether to spit, swallow, or gag. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 How did MC go Sherm? Any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shermanator Posted July 3, 2015 Author Share Posted July 3, 2015 How did MC go Sherm? Any updates? We had our usual session on Monday, our anniversary. Nothing major happened. Wednesday, I came clean, at home, about the A. Told her I'd fallen in love with someone else and that we'd been in a relationship, off and on, for 1.5 years. Her reaction (more lies by me, trickle truth, etc) was so visceral and painful. I couldn't believe what I'd done. Yesterday, we went to see the MC again (divorce counseling was what my wife called it) and he managed to keep us together for the session. My wife isn't sure that we are going to last, but she knows the story now. She's pretty sure that I don't really love her (she thinks I'm staying together bc of the house, kids, etc) and, honestly, I'm not sure that she really loves me, but we are, right now, going to try and make this work. At my wife's behest and the suggestion of our MC, I'm going to start seeing the MC for IC, as well. My current IC isn't really doing anything to help me, so I'm encouraged about this development. I need to get my act together and figure out WTF is wrong with me. I spent some time reading the OW board, as well... I think it helped me get some closure on the OW relationship - seeing the pain that a WS can cause. I never made any promises to the OW and I always kind of assumed she was living her life (she even slept with another guy when we were having our EA), and she deserves more than stolen moments and sneaking around with me. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Best post you've ever made. I'm proud of you. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 That is real positive steps forward. Good for you. Just keep taking those little steps forward and before you know it, you've walked a mile in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
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