My (not unique) story...

[RoseVille]

I think you need to divorce, and be single for a while. A long while.

 

It's obvious you don't love her, and you're pretty sure she doesn't love you back.

 

Sure, there's probably something "wrong with you," but I don't think that will be solved while you're in a situation where you're living like roommates, she's avoiding reality (even now having the truth), and without love coming from ether side. You're gonna have to do that work alone.

[shermanator]

I think you need to divorce, and be single for a while. A long while.

 

It's obvious you don't love her, and you're pretty sure she doesn't love you back.

 

Sure, there's probably something "wrong with you," but I don't think that will be solved while you're in a situation where you're living like roommates, she's avoiding reality (even now having the truth), and without love coming from ether side. You're gonna have to do that work alone.

 

Maybe it will come to that.. maybe my W will make the decision to divorce me and I won't have a choice. I do know that a divorce, in her words, is her ultimate failure. I feel like this is our last chance to get this right.

 

And with respect, you don't know how we live, she's not really avoiding reality now and we are BOTH trying to make changes. With honesty and openness.

 

It's only been one day since a BRUTAL MC session, so who knows how it will play out, but I feel better today than I have in a long time. And, despite her pain, I think my W appreciates FINALLY knowing what her gut told her a long time ago.

 

If that's good enough for us, shouldn't it be good enough for you?

[Popsicle]

We had our usual session on Monday, our anniversary. Nothing major happened.

 

Wednesday, I came clean, at home, about the A. Told her I'd fallen in love with someone else and that we'd been in a relationship, off and on, for 1.5 years. Her reaction (more lies by me, trickle truth, etc) was so visceral and painful. I couldn't believe what I'd done.

 

Yesterday, we went to see the MC again (divorce counseling was what my wife called it) and he managed to keep us together for the session. My wife isn't sure that we are going to last, but she knows the story now. She's pretty sure that I don't really love her (she thinks I'm staying together bc of the house, kids, etc) and, honestly, I'm not sure that she really loves me, but we are, right now, going to try and make this work.

 

At my wife's behest and the suggestion of our MC, I'm going to start seeing the MC for IC, as well. My current IC isn't really doing anything to help me, so I'm encouraged about this development. I need to get my act together and figure out WTF is wrong with me.

 

I spent some time reading the OW board, as well... I think it helped me get some closure on the OW relationship - seeing the pain that a WS can cause. I never made any promises to the OW and I always kind of assumed she was living her life (she even slept with another guy when we were having our EA), and she deserves more than stolen moments and sneaking around with me.

 

Excellent!

 

I hope that this experience can turn into something of an opportunity for you and your wife to regenerate your love for each other, and not a prison of resentment.

[violet1]

We had our usual session on Monday, our anniversary. Nothing major happened.

 

Wednesday, I came clean, at home, about the A. Told her I'd fallen in love with someone else and that we'd been in a relationship, off and on, for 1.5 years. Her reaction (more lies by me, trickle truth, etc) was so visceral and painful. I couldn't believe what I'd done.

 

Yesterday, we went to see the MC again (divorce counseling was what my wife called it) and he managed to keep us together for the session. My wife isn't sure that we are going to last, but she knows the story now. She's pretty sure that I don't really love her (she thinks I'm staying together bc of the house, kids, etc) and, honestly, I'm not sure that she really loves me, but we are, right now, going to try and make this work.

 

At my wife's behest and the suggestion of our MC, I'm going to start seeing the MC for IC, as well. My current IC isn't really doing anything to help me, so I'm encouraged about this development. I need to get my act together and figure out WTF is wrong with me.

 

I spent some time reading the OW board, as well... I think it helped me get some closure on the OW relationship - seeing the pain that a WS can cause. I never made any promises to the OW and I always kind of assumed she was living her life (she even slept with another guy when we were having our EA), and she deserves more than stolen moments and sneaking around with me.

Awesome Sherm! I think you are finally starting to pull yourself out of the fog. How did you feel seeing the pain on your wife's face? Do you feel different about your OW now?

Edited July 4, 2015 by violet1

[violet1]

Maybe it will come to that.. maybe my W will make the decision to divorce me and I won't have a choice. I do know that a divorce, in her words, is her ultimate failure. I feel like this is our last chance to get this right.

 

And with respect, you don't know how we live, she's not really avoiding reality now and we are BOTH trying to make changes. With honesty and openness.

 

It's only been one day since a BRUTAL MC session, so who knows how it will play out, but I feel better today than I have in a long time. And, despite her pain, I think my W appreciates FINALLY knowing what her gut told her a long time ago.

 

If that's good enough for us, shouldn't it be good enough for you?

 

I like this post. It's the first time you've really defended your wife and discussed her in a positive way. Good for you! Life is going to start getting better for both of you. No more living in limbo land or denial.

[shermanator]

Awesome Sherm! I think you are finally starting to pull yourself out of the fog. How did you feel seeing the pain on your wife's face? Do you feel different about your OW now?

 

I felt terrible when I saw her face and her pain. It was brutal. I couldn't believe I did that to her.

 

And yes, I feel differently about the OW now. No nostalgia about the A..

 

It's been tough. Right after I told my wife, she went off and raged to her friends and family, calling me all kinds of names and talking about what an a hole I am. Now that she wants to fight for us, it's a little rocky.

 

She sent a bunch of texts before our MC session that brought us back together, I guess

 

My mother in law came over and told me (essentially) that I'm a pussy for being an alcoholic and that I should quit therapy bc it's just messing me up. If her daughter isn't good enough for me, then I'm a moron...

Edited July 5, 2015 by shermanator

[MuddyFootprints]

Are you a Pussy? Or do you have what it takes to do this.

 

It will be brutal on your ego and you really have to get a grip on this victim mentality.

 

Maybe a change in counselors isn't a bad thing.

[shermanator]

Are you a Pussy? Or do you have what it takes to do this.

 

It will be brutal on your ego and you really have to get a grip on this victim mentality.

 

Maybe a change in counselors isn't a bad thing.

 

I told her I knew I wasn't the victim and that I was the one that screwed up.

 

If it seemed like I was trying to come off like a victim, I'm sorry.

 

My mother in law has been too involved in our marriage from the beginning.. I understand that she's pissed, but if her daughter has decided that I'm worth it and we are still in MC together, don't I have a right to say "okay, I get it" after a long lecture?

[autumnnight]

I told her I knew I wasn't the victim and that I was the one that screwed up.

 

If it seemed like I was trying to come off like a victim, I'm sorry.

 

My mother in law has been too involved in our marriage from the beginning.. I understand that she's pissed, but if her daughter has decided that I'm worth it and we are still in MC together, don't I have a right to say "okay, I get it" after a long lecture?

 

As the daughter of an overinvoled parent, yes you do.

 

Besides, the best thing you can do right now if work like heck to help said daughter heal and fix your marriage. MIL will either get on board or not, and that choice is on her.

[beach]

 

My mother in law came over and told me (essentially) that I'm a pussy for being an alcoholic and that I should quit therapy bc it's just messing me up. If her daughter isn't good enough for me, then I'm a moron...

 

What was your response to your MIL?

[RoseVille]

Maybe it will come to that.. maybe my W will make the decision to divorce me and I won't have a choice. I do know that a divorce, in her words, is her ultimate failure. I feel like this is our last chance to get this right.

 

And with respect, you don't know how we live, she's not really avoiding reality now and we are BOTH trying to make changes. With honesty and openness.

 

It's only been one day since a BRUTAL MC session, so who knows how it will play out, but I feel better today than I have in a long time. And, despite her pain, I think my W appreciates FINALLY knowing what her gut told her a long time ago.

 

If that's good enough for us, shouldn't it be good enough for you?

 

It doesn't matter what I think. We're only here to comment, based on the information you provide.

 

But this 180 after ONE DAY, claiming this is "how you live" and she's "not avoiding reality now," and that you're both trying to make changes "with honesty and openness" after ONE DAY isn't really fully sincere, and you know it deep down. Major changes aren't made in ONE DAY.

 

I also don't understand how you think your W appreciates knowing what her gut told her a long time ago. You say that as though you intentionally held back information she was begging you for. However, you've repeatedly said she knew about your affair and didn't want to know the details.

 

You're acting like you've done her a favor, when in reality you're just relieved of the guilt.

 

I dunno. I think that her first reaction of wanting to fight for you and not wanting to tell you to eff off is telling... that she's still not ready or wanting to deal with the hard truth. Sure, she knows the what. She doesn't want to know the why.

Edited July 6, 2015 by RoseVille

[MuddyFootprints]

I told her I knew I wasn't the victim and that I was the one that screwed up.

 

If it seemed like I was trying to come off like a victim, I'm sorry.

 

My mother in law has been too involved in our marriage from the beginning.. I understand that she's pissed, but if her daughter has decided that I'm worth it and we are still in MC together, don't I have a right to say "okay, I get it" after a long lecture?

 

You don't need to apologize to me.

 

Exposure is difficult to accept and making amends to everyone you've hurt and disappointed is a process and one that you might not ever fully accomplish.

 

At the moment, the problem is that you don't get it.

[66Charger]

I wont get into your "worth" but you are delusional if you think you dont have to do some making up with the MIL also.. Damn bro she called you a pussy to your face.

 

Edit. I am taking offense that she would use such a beautiful word to describe you.

[Brigit_1]

I wont get into your "worth" but you are delusional if you think you dont have to do some making up with the MIL also.. Damn bro she called you a pussy to your face.

 

Edit. I am taking offense that she would use such a beautiful word to describe you.[/QUOTE]

 

LOL!

 

At this point I don't think this marriage is worth the effort. Divorce is the best option.

[shermanator]

It doesn't matter what I think. We're only here to comment, based on the information you provide.

 

But this 180 after ONE DAY, claiming this is "how you live" and she's "not avoiding reality now," and that you're both trying to make changes "with honesty and openness" after ONE DAY isn't really fully sincere, and you know it deep down. Major changes aren't made in ONE DAY.

 

I also don't understand how you think your W appreciates knowing what her gut told her a long time ago. You say that as though you intentionally held back information she was begging you for. However, you've repeatedly said she knew about your affair and didn't want to know the details.

 

You're acting like you've done her a favor, when in reality you're just relieved of the guilt.

 

I dunno. I think that her first reaction of wanting to fight for you and not wanting to tell you to eff off is telling... that she's still not ready or wanting to deal with the hard truth. Sure, she knows the what. She doesn't want to know the why.

 

I said as much... I said something like 'who knows how it will play out' or 'it's still early.'

 

I feel like there's so much skepticism on these boards when someone says "I did it" or "it's day one" or whatever. Every change or every fresh start has to start with the first day, right?

 

My wife didn't know the full extent of the A. Yesterday, she acknowledged that not knowing everything (despite having a pretty good guess) was upsetting her. So, yes, I think coming clean helped her.

[shermanator]

I wont get into your "worth" but you are delusional if you think you dont have to do some making up with the MIL also.. Damn bro she called you a pussy to your face.

 

Edit. I am taking offense that she would use such a beautiful word to describe you.

 

Of course I have some making up to do. I boiled down what she said, I think I said 'essentially' in my post... she didn't actually call me any names (she may have called me a moron).

 

She doesn't believe in IC or MC and thinks we are silly for using them.

[shermanator]

What was your response to your MIL?

 

I apologized. I told her that I knew I messed up. I told her that my relationship with my W is way more important to me than my relationship with my MIL. I told her that I understand that she wants to protect her daughter.

[violet1]

I don't agree that you have to make up with the MIL. She has a right to be upset that her daughter is hurt, but your marriage is not between you and the MIL. I have a very involved MIL and she almost destroyed my marriage many years ago until my H finally told her to butt the f#ck out. Don't worry about her. Focus your energy towards your W and marriage. If your MIL continues to be a problem, discuss it with your W and let her handle her mother. Interferring in-laws make marriage harder than it has to be.

[violet1]

I wont get into your "worth" but you are delusional if you think you dont have to do some making up with the MIL also.. Damn bro she called you a pussy to your face.

 

Edit. I am taking offense that she would use such a beautiful word to describe you.

 

Haha... a bit of a thread jack here, but I hate the P word. I think it sounds crude and disgusting. I cringe when I hear people say it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I feel like there's so much skepticism on these boards when someone says "I did it" or "it's day one" or whatever. Every change or every fresh start has to start with the first day, right?

 

Agreed. I also think it's ironic that many posters recommend disclosure and then second guess your attitude in doing so.

 

You're going to have to accept you and your wife will process this at different speeds and that (more) anger might be her next step. Be realistic but not easily discouraged...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

What Turnera said earlier - I'm proud of you Sherm. It was hard but it was necessary; for both of you. Yes, you hurt her *again* but if you two ever had a hope of moving foreword in your marriage, this was a very necessary step.

[violet1]

I wont get into your "worth" but you are delusional if you think you dont have to do some making up with the MIL also.. Damn bro she called ycompletelyy to your face.

 

Edit. I am taking offense that she would use such a beautiful word to describe you.[/QUOTE]

 

LOL!

 

At this point I don't think this marriage is worth the effort. Divorce is the best option.

 

I don't agree. I've been reading this thread since day one. I think Sherm has made a lot of improvements. This isn't an over night change. This past year, Sherm has been justifying not being completely transparent with "my W doesn't want to know." This led him to dwell in self pity and reminisce in the fantasy of his EX OW. I'm sure deep down his W knew everything, but it was easy to rug sweep and deny because Sherm didn't disclose the full truth. I'm proud of him for laying all the cards on the table. He's dealing with the consequences for the first time. He could have continued roaming in limbo land and not told, but he didn't. Now that the truth is out, he and his W can either fix their marriage or work on becoming co-parents and divorce. There's no more lies and secrets. What Sherm did is a HUGE step for a conflict avoidant person. For the first time, I really believe he's trying to work on himself and his marriage.

 

Sherm, keep up the good work and ignore the negative comments. A lot of us here are impressed. You still have a long road ahead, but you are making great progress. I'm glad that your feelings for the EX OW are changing. Do you believe you're getting closer to indifference?

[66Charger]

I apologized. I told her that I knew I messed up. I told her that my relationship with my W is way more important to me than my relationship with my MIL. I told her that I understand that she wants to protect her daughter.

 

I slammed you once or twice, so to be fair...Good Job Shermanator

Edited July 7, 2015 by 66Charger

[Brigit_1]

 

I don't agree. I've been reading this thread since day one. I think Sherm has made a lot of improvements. This isn't an over night change. This past year, Sherm has been justifying not being completely transparent with "my W doesn't want to know." This led him to dwell in self pity and reminisce in the fantasy of his EX OW. I'm sure deep down his W knew everything, but it was easy to rug sweep and deny because Sherm didn't disclose the full truth. I'm proud of him for laying all the cards on the table. He's dealing with the consequences for the first time. He could have continued roaming in limbo land and not told, but he didn't. Now that the truth is out, he and his W can either fix their marriage or work on becoming co-parents and divorce. There's no more lies and secrets. What Sherm did is a HUGE step for a conflict avoidant person. For the first time, I really believe he's trying to work on himself and his marriage.

 

Sherm, keep up the good work and ignore the negative comments. A lot of us here are impressed. You still have a long road ahead, but you are making great progress. I'm glad that your feelings for the EX OW are changing. Do you believe you're getting closer to indifference?

 

Confessing about an affair to your spouse is horrible. I know. I'm glad he fully disclosed everything and that is a brave thing to do.

 

I've only followed a little bit of the thread but from what I read it seems he still really wants to be with the other woman. I could be wrong but that's what came across to me.

[shermanator]

 

Confessing about an affair to your spouse is horrible. I know. I'm glad he fully disclosed everything and that is a brave thing to do.

 

I've only followed a little bit of the thread but from what I read it seems he still really wants to be with the other woman. I could be wrong but that's what came across to me.

 

I did obsess over being with the OW for a long time, but I don't feel that way anymore. I did fall in love with her and going NC was very hard.

 

I'm moving closer to indifference about the OW and working on being a better husband. I need to continue working on being open with my wife. Our last couple MC sessions have been awesome, though. And our sex life is much improved, too.