My (not unique) story...

[shermanator]

If you cared about your wife's feelings you wouldn't have cheated on your family.

 

I knew that was coming...

[Chi townD]

I knew that was coming...

 

 

Well, what did you expect?

[alwayshere]

I knew that was coming...

 

That is because it is true.

 

Look, the bottom line is this.

 

You CHOSE to lie to your wife, to invite a stranger into your marriage, to have your cake and eat it to, to show by your actions that your own feeling in the moment matters more to you than your wife or your children.....and now you want to spin keeping all of that a secret by saying it is because you don't want to hurt them.

 

You already hurt them. Keeping your wife in the dark is about protecting yourself and your image and escaping consequences for your choices.

 

A man does not betray his family, and if he does, a real man does not hide it like a coward.

[shermanator]

Do you want them to go into their relationships with the idea that they can deceive their partners and hide truths to "keep from hurting them?".

 

I did this for the first 8 or 9 years of our marriage... I drank too much, lied about it (and other really stupid things) all because I was trying to avoid conflict and potentially upsetting my wife.

 

I was so scared of a fight or conflict with her, I would just lie or keep things from her.

[Got it]

I didn't tell my spouse because, you are right, I didn't want to hurt his feelings and knew I was going to progress with the divorce either way. But I knew that I was in no way leaving for someone else. I knew the marriage, based on its own merits, were failing and I had put in the energies over the years to try and turn it around. I knew how far back it went and the specific actions and conversations I had had to try and get things on a better track.

 

So I didn't tell and I don't regret that though I know that any day he could find out and need to deal with the consequences from that. I wasn't going to get anything out of telling or not telling and I didn't want the additional hit to his ego. But I own that I fully made that decision for him and took away the option for him.

 

My discussing divorce was not a surprise to my ex husband and we were on the same page. We also did not have kids, that takes things to a different level. Do you think that if you told your wife that you wanted a divorce it wouldn't be a surprise to her? Do you think she would want a better understanding or would on the same page?

 

Do you feel you can be forthright with your kid(s) if they ask you why you guys divorced and your reasoning for it? If you can stand by all those answers than have at it. If they give you pause then you need to invest further work.

[Got it]

I did this for the first 8 or 9 years of our marriage... I drank too much, lied about it (and other really stupid things) all because I was trying to avoid conflict and potentially upsetting my wife.

 

I was so scared of a fight or conflict with her, I would just lie or keep things from her.

 

Do you think you might be continuing to do the same thing now?

 

If the foundation has not been clearly laid and both parties feel that they have exhausted every avenue then you can pretty much guarantee conflict when discussing divorce.

 

How do you think your wife will react to the news?

[oldshirt]

I am neither a BS or a WS so I really have no dog in this fight and I have no personal stake in this battle for Sherminator' s sole.

 

My thoughts are you have voluntarily gone NC with the OW. You have enlisted the help of professional counselor(s) to address your demons and work on straightening yourself out.

 

Those are very commendable things really.

 

My advice at this point is DON'T COME ON A RELATIONSHIP FORUM ASKING FOR ADVICE FROM COMPLETE STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET.

 

Take your advice and guidance from the professional(s) that you are paying to listen to your whole story and peel back the layers.

 

None of us are trained in marital counseling and none of us have the right to tell you to do something your counselor has told you specifically NOT to do at this point.

 

Your counselor may or may not advise you to disclose this to your wife eventually but if he/she does he will want it to be after certain other criteria are met and will want it to be under controlled circumstances and he will assist you in breaking it to her in a manner and in an environment that in his professional opinion will cause the least amount of collateral damage.

 

My advice is be open and upfront and disclose EVERYTHING with your counselor and then follow his/her advice on what to do.

[shermanator]

Do you think you might be continuing to do the same thing now?

 

If the foundation has not been clearly laid and both parties feel that they have exhausted every avenue then you can pretty much guarantee conflict when discussing divorce.

 

How do you think your wife will react to the news?

 

Yes, I'm doing the same thing now... except, instead of lying about drinking or whatever, I'm not telling her about the A.

 

I think my wife's heart will be broken... she has told me that she is living her dream life with me and the kids. She cannot figure out what I'm looking for, or why what we have isn't enough for me.

[shermanator]

I am neither a BS or a WS so I really have no dog in this fight and I have no personal stake in this battle for Sherminator' s sole.

 

My thoughts are you have voluntarily gone NC with the OW. You have enlisted the help of professional counselor(s) to address your demons and work on straightening yourself out.

 

Those are very commendable things really.

 

My advice at this point is DON'T COME ON A RELATIONSHIP FORUM ASKING FOR ADVICE FROM COMPLETE STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET.

 

 

Hahahaha.... good advice.

[Got it]

Yes, I'm doing the same thing now... except, instead of lying about drinking or whatever, I'm not telling her about the A.

 

I think my wife's heart will be broken... she has told me that she is living her dream life with me and the kids. She cannot figure out what I'm looking for, or why what we have isn't enough for me.

 

I think those are two great questions. Can you answer them? If so, have you shared them?

 

What do you need that you aren't getting? Is it a need that you have to get through another or a need you can fulfill yourself? Is it reasonable to expect the need to be fulfilled by another?

[Snowflower]

Regardless, many here who have posted have found these forums to be as valuable as individual counseling.

[beatcuff]

... i'm 'leaning,' I want to be with my OW... I don't know what I want.

 

do NOT tell your wife --- yet. YOU need to clear your head. YOU need to decide what YOU want.

 

right now you are being unfair to your W and M. but you will only compound those errors by telling her before you decide. why?

 

try this --- you tell her tonight. she will freak. she will demand to know if you want to R. you are scared and impulsively say yes. then at some point over the next several painful (for both) months you decide. either response is WRONG. if you want to stay and now start to work hard at saving the M, you wasted those months 'faking it' (she'll at least suspect) and if you want OW you basically emotionally jerked your W around.

 

so get your mind straight. then it’s time for the talk with W.

 

at that time your W will have her say. don't be surprised if she wants time or even D.

 

btw i see D in your future: your user name tips me off (for those not so hip --- watch the movie: American Pie).

[oldshirt]

Regardless, many here who have posted have found these forums to be as valuable as individual counseling.

 

My point is he is currently working with a professional who is trained to deal with these matters. That professional is sitting down with him and peeling through all the layers and coming up with plans based on current research and approved therapies etc etc.

 

If his professional counselor is advising him not to disclose all of this to his wife at this time, it is not the place of any of us to advise him to go against professional recommendation just because people here want his wife to know ASAP.

 

This would be analogous to people on some health forum telling an OP not to follow their doctors prescriptions but to take some folk remedy instead.

[HermioneG]

Here's the thing.... you weren't unhappy before you got involved with your OW. This alone is a very key thing. It is easy to get your head turned by someone new. Someone who has not heard all of your stories (and you theirs), there are still things to discover, things to do together. The existing relationship can never compete with "shiny and new aspect" of a new relationship (at first).

 

But be smart .... shiny and new doesn't last. That "something missing" that you now feel is the shiny and new stuff. If you were happy with your wife before you got involved with the OW then you can be happy again. I honestly don't believe that the reason you feel this way is because of this particular OW (no offense to her), it is just the thrill of the new relationship.

 

Just something to think about....

 

 

This needs to read, and reread. Beautifully stated.

[gettingstronger]

Reading through your replies I think it's best you leave your wife so she can find someone that understands love and marriage. When you blow it, you own up to it. The whole it's for her own good thing is such a wuss out its crazy! Leave her to find a man with integrity, not a selfish child throwing a tantrum because his life didn't go exactly as planned and is not willing to own up to it. God grief!

[HermioneG]

I know... that all makes sense on paper. But now the OW has heard all my stories, knows my dirty laundry, etc. I've been married for 12 years, I understand that 'shiny and new' doesn't last...

 

The OW didn't 'break' my marriage... if I was able to develop feelings for her, something was already missing in my current relationship.

 

Actually, it might be that something was missing in you.

 

Infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital issue.

 

Your wife is in the same marriage you are- she has not cheated.

 

Ask your IC for reading recommendations on the psych basis for infidelity. Shirley Glass, Frank Pittman, Helen Fisher and John Gottman have done excellent work in these dynamics and can offer a perspective that may clarify for you.

 

No matter what you decide- wife or OW, you are not a a safe person to have a relationship with until you figure out why you were able to do this, and address the how of it.

 

You said yourself- you did not realize there was a problem until you became emotionally involved with another person. Gently, that follows a pretty normal script for a non marital based infidelity, that is predicated on issues that are yours, not the marriage's. But the limerance of your new relationship ( suspended or not), is making clarity hard for you.

 

There are absolute cases of exit affairs. People use the affair to springboard out of a finished relationship into a new one. Got It's story is absolutely classic for that scenario.

 

Your description, however, is not the same. So it's worth it to dig much deeper- not just for today, but for tomorrow.

[spookysonata]

Op, I applaud you for voluntarily going nc and getting into therapy. Those things will work in your favor when you confess. I think your wife's reaction will shock you.

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[katielee]

 

Infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital issue.

 

 

Posted again for emphasis!!!

 

OP- do you really wanna be the guy who has yo trick someone into staying married to you? You're controlling and manipulating her life, making decisions for her and that is so cruel. In my opinion you're abusing your wife.

[shermanator]

Posted again for emphasis!!!

 

OP- do you really wanna be the guy who has yo trick someone into staying married to you? You're controlling and manipulating her life, making decisions for her and that is so cruel. In my opinion you're abusing your wife.

 

Making decisions for her? I don't understand that...

[jnel921]

Yes, the OW is a good person... no, she hasn't pursued a MM in the past. She feels a lot of guilt about what we've done.

 

We started as friends, spent a lot of time together talking and having an EA before anything physical happened. If it was just a fling or some sex on the side, I think walking away would be easier...

 

About the kids, I do a lot of the work with them (getting them ready in the morning, picking up after school, doing homework) and I'm the breadwinner. I'm not saying my wife doesn't do any work with them, but it's not 100% on her, either.

 

I don't think she'll want to stay with me if I tell her... I've thought about telling her, just so she can kick me out and make the decision for me, which isn't the right thing to do.

 

 

And why is this not the right thing to do? It's the only thing you should do. If you have doubts then your OW may not be who you are willing to risk all of your chips on after all?

 

The circumstances of your A spell goodbye, adios, and get out! There is no other way to avoid this. Man up and tell the truth. You owe her that much after all of the stuff you have been doing under her nose.

[jnel921]

Yes, the OW is a good person... no, she hasn't pursued a MM in the past. She feels a lot of guilt about what we've done.

 

We started as friends, spent a lot of time together talking and having an EA before anything physical happened. If it was just a fling or some sex on the side, I think walking away would be easier...

 

About the kids, I do a lot of the work with them (getting them ready in the morning, picking up after school, doing homework) and I'm the breadwinner. I'm not saying my wife doesn't do any work with them, but it's not 100% on her, either.

 

I don't think she'll want to stay with me if I tell her... I've thought about telling her, just so she can kick me out and make the decision for me, which isn't the right thing to do.

 

 

And why is this not the right thing to do? It's the only thing you should do. If you have doubts then your OW may not be who you are willing to risk all of your chips on after all?

 

The circumstances of your A spell goodbye, adios, and get out! There is no other way to avoid this. Man up and tell the truth. You owe her that much after all of the stuff you have done under her nose.

 

And how can you say the OW is a good person? She is having an A with a MM! Taking him away from his family, stupidly stopping her world and aligning her life parallel to your family because she knows you can't be together. You are preventing this woman from finding REAL love and the opportunity to have a monogamous relationship that can lead to a valid M and forthcoming children.

 

What is wrong with your M? How is it you thought after you met the OW you realized something was missing. Uh mm maybe it was the sex. You started having it with the wrong person!

[katielee]

Making decisions for her? I don't understand that...

 

you're taking away her choice. Maybe she doesn't want to be married to a cheater. Maybe she does. you are assuming that keeping information from her is actively not hurting her. But it is. You're assuming that it would be too painful for her to bear. Again, making a decision for her.

There is something going on in her life that she knows nothing about. She's an adult. She deserves to know this and I think you know this deep down. Any attempt to say you don't want to tell so she doens't get her hurt is simply you protecting yourself. Because you ARE hurting her. Right now you are.

 

Tell the truth and let go of the outcome - that is my definition of integrity. If you dont have integrity, what really do you have in this life?

 

And your AP - she's not a good person. People who are good don't help another person destroy children's and spouses lives. A good person would have WALKED AWAY from you, protecting your precious family. She did not. In time you will realize this.

[Charlie Harper]

Face it, you're a coward and afraid to tell your wife the truth! You don't want to be the bad guy in all of this.

 

Nobody ever want to be the bad guy on ANY situation. Telling someone a coward,, for not disclosing an A is a surefire sign you have unresolved issues, yes its not something to be proud of ( an Affair) but telling someone you don't know a coward…speaks more of you than to him.

 

Telling the truth is giving the spouse you have been disrespecting, betraying, belittling, and exposing to disease at least the basic respect of honesty about their lives and marriage.

 

THAT is why active wayward spouses don't advocate telling.

 

So you honestly think shermatator´s 2 IC therapist are in active A´s ??

 

To me it speaks of a lot of data we don't have, they do and they have recommended NOT TELLING. I always side with the person with more info and qualification, so I think NOT telling is the way to go FOR NOW.

 

Okay, so tell your wife the truth! What do you have to lose! Tell your wife you've been cheating on her and that you're leaving her for this other woman. She may end up hating you, but at least you avoid the crying and begging you to stay. Tell your kids that you're moving out and leaving their mother for another woman.

This might be a little more difficult for you because the kids will cry and promise you that they'll be better kids and that they'll be good. But, make sure you tell them that it wasn't their fault.

 

Little harsh huh? Think I'm an a**hole? Fact is, you're going to break your family's hearts. No way around it. And here's the rub, I'm not the one that did that. You're the one that's going to do that.

 

In life you have to ponder a lot of data, and act to win, in this case what is to win just by going all out in the open, and destroying everything? what is there to gain? can the marriage be saved? will it be collateral damage? Will he be happy at the end? will the new R work in the long run? does he has the economic prowess to make all this? will the W go nuts a put a bullet in his head?

 

NOT THAT EASY right? The OP has all the data, the feelings and THE DESICION to go full disclosure or keep it under wraps…why everyone here wants him to jump into oblivion? and more so if IC has told him not to…?

 

I did this for the first 8 or 9 years of our marriage... I drank too much, lied about it (and other really stupid things) all because I was trying to avoid conflict and potentially upsetting my wife.

I was so scared of a fight or conflict with her, I would just lie or keep things from her.

 

This is a huge problem, see a lot of couples don't have good communication, everything looks perfect from the outside, but emotionally there are no ways of communication. You grow distant and cold and vulnerable. I never could believe my wife would cheat on me, we were so perfectly happy, no problems, smooth sailing 24/7 , yet she did, She felt I never listened to her, I was way too carefree and happy to be burdened with her insecurities, she fought I would never understand her, so she found someone else to del more "comfortable", some of my closest female friends can't believe to this day she was unfaithful to me, because they consider me a very easy to talk to guy and always looking for the positive, but my Ex and I never had those …and when I had my A, I knew she was going to go ballistic on me, she would destroy everything… there was no D day but in the end she never could adjust and destroyed everything to have some "reasons" to be angry and justify her previous A.

 

Bottom line, you know your W and you must have a good picture on how she would react….base your disclosure or not on that not on what someone says here ir if someone calls you coward, pig or whatever.

 

 

My advice at this point is DON'T COME ON A RELATIONSHIP FORUM ASKING FOR ADVICE FROM COMPLETE STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET.

 

Take your advice and guidance from the professional(s) that you are paying to listen to your whole story and peel back the layers.

 

 

My advice is be open and upfront and disclose EVERYTHING with your counselor and then follow his/her advice on what to do.

 

100% amen to this.

 

 

 

Shermanator my advice still holds NO CONTACT with OW, if she is that really into you she will wait, either to re engage, or to hear the news you are in recovery and happily M. Go to your IC, if possible get to MC, and find out why you can't talk to your wife.

In my case it was the most important thing I discovered, why I could no talk to her and why she could not either.

 

Good luck

Edited June 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[katielee]

Additionally, she knows something is going on. Likely she thinks she's crazy or something. If you leave her, tell her the reason. Things will click and she will heal much faster. This I also feel is emotional abuse... don't do that to her.

[2sunny]

Making decisions for her? I don't understand that...

 

Well - you've made the decision FOR HER - knowing full well you aren't being honest.

 

IF she had your truth - she might decide differently.

 

I mean - were talking about a gal that put up with you drinking too much and you admit that you also lied to her a lot.

 

You may have taken drinking out of the mix for now - but you haven't changed your behavior (sneaky and lying) - so really she's still got the broken you, but just the broken you that isn't drinking.

 

When a heavy drinker is actively drinking, it's hard to compete with his true love (alcohol) and when one stops drinking the non drinker hopes to become closer to the one who quit drinking.

 

You've replaced the alcohol with another woman - how is that fair/right that your wife has waited forever to be YOUR NUMBER ONE and now suddenly you found ANOTHER replacement for her?

 

Think about it - your wife was getting screwed out of being close to you and now you've ruined her chance of that again.

 

You pushed your wife away while drinking. Why can't you approach getting close and intimate with your wife - like it's a full time job? They say when we quit drinking we should be repairing the damage caused as much or more so than time spent drinking.

 

How much time did you spend focused on getting reconnected to your wife?