My (not unique) story...

[merrmeade]

So on July 3rd, you wrote:

We had our usual session on Monday, our anniversary. Nothing major happened.

 

Wednesday, I came clean, at home, about the A. Told her I'd fallen in love with someone else and that we'd been in a relationship, off and on, for 1.5 years. Her reaction (more lies by me, trickle truth, etc) was so visceral and painful. I couldn't believe what I'd done.

 

... My wife isn't sure that we are going to last, but she knows the story now. She's pretty sure that I don't really love her (she thinks I'm staying together bc of the house, kids, etc) and, honestly, I'm not sure that she really loves me, but we are, right now, going to try and make this work.

This is all very well, but your wife is only just beginning to absorb and react, react and absorb. All the IC and MC is essential if you really mean that you want to make it work. It's so much more than saying that.

 

But one very major point for most BSs is getting the whole story - on their terms. So that is not clear to me. Are you saying that you also said (more lies by me, trickle truth, etc) during your disclosure but that but she knows the story now.?

 

If this is the case (and in any case), any lying and holding back will be proof to her that you are not sincerely remorseful. The best advice I or anyone could give you is to tell her that you will divulge any information she wants however she wants it — detail or just the facts. In fact, every conversation about the A must be on her terms. If you think you're trickle-trothing, open up the damn faucet. If she wants it, that is.

 

Many, many things happen with the BS's processing of the truth about the A. Most need it for their own healing, nevermind the relationship with the WS. It takes years. If she's this way, just remember it's about her, not you. If you have a chance in hell at helping her, then give her the truth at every juncture, about everything, in whatever detail she asks. Get MC guidance for how to do this - both of you.

[Popsicle]

 

I did obsess over being with the OW for a long time, but I don't feel that way anymore. I did fall in love with her and going NC was very hard.

 

I'm moving closer to indifference about the OW and working on being a better husband. I need to continue working on being open with my wife. Our last couple MC sessions have been awesome, though. And our sex life is much improved, too.

 

This sounds promising. I hope you two can get past this and grow.

[shermanator]

Been away from this site for a long, long time, but I'm really missing the OW. Things with my W have improved dramatically, but, like an addiction, I find myself 'chasing' that feeling I had with the OW.

 

I'm about 99% she's moved on and it's a non-issue for us to be together, but I find myself triggering constantly.

 

I've blocked her from social media, haven't contacted her in months, etc... I did see her driving a few weeks ago, but that's the only 'contact' we've had in over 3 months.

 

I know that, if I 'love' her, I should want what's best for her. The idea of another man sharing those intimate moments that we had kills me, though. It's a gross mix of jealousy and sadness. I hate it.

[GollumsNightmare]

Gahhhhhhhhhh! Your post is so sad....for your wife. I am angry for her.

[S2B]

Been away from this site for a long, long time, but I'm really missing the OW. Things with my W have improved dramatically, but, like an addiction, I find myself 'chasing' that feeling I had with the OW.

 

I'm about 99% she's moved on and it's a non-issue for us to be together, but I find myself triggering constantly.

 

I've blocked her from social media, haven't contacted her in months, etc... I did see her driving a few weeks ago, but that's the only 'contact' we've had in over 3 months.

 

I know that, if I 'love' her, I should want what's best for her. The idea of another man sharing those intimate moments that we had kills me, though. It's a gross mix of jealousy and sadness. I hate it.

 

Man o man, I'm glad I'm not your wife...

 

How sad that she took you back so easily while you're pining away for your OW thus, STILL making your wife second choice.

 

 

So many people get happy about staying married long term - but I fail to understand how that looks successful with the dynamics of the marriage this way.

 

Have you considered how your wife must feel?

 

How do you intend to get the spark back into your marriage? It is up to you to do that.

[shermanator]

Man o man, I'm glad I'm not your wife...

 

How sad that she took you back so easily while you're pining away for your OW thus, STILL making your wife second choice.

 

 

So many people get happy about staying married long term - but I fail to understand how that looks successful with the dynamics of the marriage this way.

 

Have you considered how your wife must feel?

 

How do you intend to get the spark back into your marriage? It is up to you to do that.

 

I WANT my wife to be my first choice... I'm not sure why I've started triggering again and playing the mind movies. Plus, the OW, I'm pretty sure, is gone and/or unavailable.

 

My wife feels fine, or so she says. In MC, she's mentioned that things are much improved (and they had been).

 

I haven't broken NC or anything... just experiencing a patch where I'm missing the OW. Trying to stay strong and get through it.

[katielee]

tell your wife all this. Let her make a choice of continuing a relationship with a man who misses another woman.

[turnera]

What else are you doing to make your marriage better aside from MC? Are you spending 15 hours a week together? Talking honestly? Joining new activities together? Creating new memories of your own?

[shermanator]

What else are you doing to make your marriage better aside from MC?

- What do you mean? Expressing more compassion and being kind, yes.

Are you spending 15 hours a week together?

- Probably... some of that time includes our kids, though. I'm not sure we have 15 hours together, alone, during the course of a 'normal' week.

Talking honestly?

- Aside from these OW thoughts, yes.

Joining new activities together?

- Yes.

Creating new memories of your own?

- Again, yes, but some of the time/memories involves family time. It's not just the two of us goofing around together.

 

I'm just being a baby, really. Instead of contacting the OW during a low/weak point, I came here.

[ShatteredLady]

The thought of the OW being with another man makes you jealous. How does it feel when you picture your wife & children with another man? Your wife being 'head over heels' in the throws of new passionate love? Your W making love, being held, sharing her pain, joy, hopes & dreams, your secrets, your history & actions with a loving, understanding partner. Having fun & playing around as a FAMILY without you?

 

Your W has given you a precious gift. It was touching to read your perception of her devastation & agony when you finally told her the truth but know that was the tip of the iceberg. Until I experienced betrayal I couldn't imagine the complete & utter agony. It's not just emotional, it's PHYSICAL. I vomited when I first realized what was going on. My heart broke! I always thought that was just a saying....picture your pain over breaking-up with the OW & multiply it by a million!!

 

You are a HUSBAND & a FATHER. I have 2 close friends who are now in their mid 40's & have never found 'their person'. They don't have their own families. They remind me what an amazing gift it is. So many people take for granted & throw away FAMILY. How can something so precious & so meaningful, so REAL become a boring burden? What did your little family really do to deserve the torture you've inflicted on them?

 

Hopefully these are the things you will think about the next time you find yourself mourning the OW & you will realize what a lucky man you are. You've come so close to loosing everything...you still might!

 

 

Most WS rewrite history & wrack their brains to find any excuse for their behavior, vilifying their partners. The worst 'crime' you could come-up with was 'Your sex life was going through a bit of a slump!!!' REALLY? What steps are you taking to "Affair Proof" your M in the future? What happens next time a lady catches your eye?

[CarrieT]

Creating new memories of your own?

- Again, yes, but some of the time/memories involves family time. It's not just the two of us goofing around together.

 

I think this is critical. If you want a strong, solid future with your wife, you two need to build memories TOGETHER, with just the two of you - in exclusion of the kids.

 

I'm just being a baby, really. Instead of contacting the OW during a low/weak point, I came here.

That is a good thing, Sherm. That is why we are here for you.

[shermanator]

The thought of the OW being with another man makes you jealous. How does it feel when you picture your wife & children with another man? Your wife being 'head over heels' in the throws of new passionate love? Your W making love, being held, sharing her pain, joy, hopes & dreams, your secrets, your history & actions with a loving, understanding partner. Having fun & playing around as a FAMILY without you?

 

Your W has given you a precious gift. It was touching to read your perception of her devastation & agony when you finally told her the truth but know that was the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

Most WS rewrite history & wrack their brains to find any excuse for their behavior, vilifying their partners. The worst 'crime' you could come-up with was 'Your sex life was going through a bit of a slump!!!' REALLY? What steps are you taking to "Affair Proof" your M in the future? What happens next time a lady catches your eye?

 

Honestly, I'll probably get flamed for this, but during the A (and right after going NC), the idea of my OW with another man was harder for me to imagine than my wife with another man. My kids, in my thinking, will always view me as their 'father,' who knows how angry they'd be with me for leaving, though. And my wife, in my mind, was a toxic, unhappy woman that I'd started to resent... why would it pain me to imagine her with another man? As the fog lifted, I started to hate the idea of another man being around.

 

Our sex life was broken, yes, but that wasn't the reason I started to drift. She was an unhappy person. Someone that our MC has asked "why is life so hard for you? You have arrived... when will you be able to relax into your life and stop worrying about what everyone thinks and how they all perceive you?"

 

My wife also swears up and down that she'd never remarry. To her, a marriage is forever. If we split, she insists that she'd never marry again. This is her end game.

[shermanator]

I think this is critical. If you want a strong, solid future with your wife, you two need to build memories TOGETHER, with just the two of you - in exclusion of the kids.

 

 

That is a good thing, Sherm. That is why we are here for you.

 

We need to be better about getting time with just us. We have admitted as much in MC and know that's an issue.

[burnt]

H-O-N-E-S-T-Y

 

The simplest answer, yet sometimes the hardest to see. So often we are busy deciding what we should say or do, with the best intentions, trying not to hurt others; but keeping secrets does more damage to everyone in the long run. The harsh painful truth is still far better than the well intended secrecy.

 

If marriage between two people is supposed to be 'two halves of the same person', then one ought to share not just the good, but also the bad. Yes, your wife will be devastated if she finds out; but by being your wife she has also earned the right to know you--not just your your goods, also your secrets.

 

On a separate note, it was refreshing to read that you are no longer seeing the OW on the side WHILE you're trying to decide what you want. It would be unkind to keep someone hanging in secrecy on the side while you're still together with your wife.

[MuddyFootprints]

Yes, it's addictive thought...and very much wayward thinking. You understand that you are at risk of falling back into old habits and old behaviour.

 

The fact that you recognized this is a huge step toward changing your coping methods.

[merrmeade]

Honestly, I'll probably get flamed for this, but during the A (and right after going NC), the idea of my OW with another man was harder for me to imagine than my wife with another man. My kids, in my thinking, will always view me as their 'father,' who knows how angry they'd be with me for leaving, though. And my wife, in my mind, was a toxic, unhappy woman that I'd started to resent... why would it pain me to imagine her with another man? As the fog lifted, I started to hate the idea of another man being around.

 

Our sex life was broken, yes, but that wasn't the reason I started to drift. She was an unhappy person. Someone that our MC has asked "why is life so hard for you? You have arrived... when will you be able to relax into your life and stop worrying about what everyone thinks and how they all perceive you?"

 

My wife also swears up and down that she'd never remarry. To her, a marriage is forever. If we split, she insists that she'd never marry again. This is her end game.

Well-l-l-l? Whether you get flamed or not, you obviously know there's a problem with this. Maybe it would be better for you to spell it out yourself, Mr. shermanator...

 

So if this is you being honest, what was you being remorseful? Are you backsliding? Has it been a while since MC maybe? Are you not reading, talking and reflecting like before (if ever)? Or maybe you never actually got it? Whichever, this is some disappointingly superficial, selfish non-reflection.

 

Either way, just reread it from, well, anyone's perspective. If your wife had access to the forum (no need to discuss it—just what if), how would she react? Somehow I don't think that answer or reality would make any difference. If she showed outrage, righteous or otherwise, that would just be her being "toxic," right? Despair, grief, hopelessness? Also not your problem because she's just an "unhappy" person, isn't it?

 

This is chillingly clear. You resented your wife before, during and after, imply the "broken" sex was irreparable and quote the MC out of context to justify blaming her. This portrayal of her as the damaged personality responsible for the flawed reconciliation succinctly and directly explains your own inadequacy and sense of entitlement. The only remorse I sense relates to whether your children will forgive you if you leave. And as for the affair fog, I don't think it ever lifted. Apparently you're still there, daydreaming and distorting reality as needed to accommodate your own limitations.

 

Frankly, I don't see any of this as being about your marriage, your affair, your children or anybody else in your life. I suggest you ditch that MC and go get yourself a therapist for IC, someone who makes you feel intensely uncomfortable and holds you accountable.

 

I have no idea if this is flaming but don't think so. I don't have any vested interest, don't identify with your situation, and am not particular to torch you. I'm just giving my take on what you've put out there. Did you hope somebody would call it?

Edited October 31, 2015 by merrmeade

[shermanator]

Either way, just reread it from, well, anyone's perspective. If your wife had access to the forum (no need to discuss it—just what if), how would she react? Somehow I don't think that answer or reality would make any difference. If she showed outrage, righteous or otherwise, that would just be her being "toxic," right? Despair, grief, hopelessness? Also not your problem because she's just an "unhappy" person, isn't it?

 

This is chillingly clear. You resented your wife before, during and after, imply the "broken" sex was irreparable and quote the MC out of context to justify blaming her. This portrayal of her as the damaged personality responsible for the flawed reconciliation succinctly and directly explains your own inadequacy and sense of entitlement. The only remorse I sense relates to whether your children will forgive you if you leave. And as for the affair fog, I don't think it ever lifted. Apparently you're still there, daydreaming and distorting reality as needed to accommodate your own limitations.

 

Frankly, I don't see any of this as being about your marriage, your affair, your children or anybody else in your life. I suggest you ditch that MC and go get yourself a therapist for IC, someone who makes you feel intensely uncomfortable and holds you accountable.

 

I have no idea if this is flaming but don't think so. I don't have any vested interest, don't identify with your situation, and am not particular to torch you. I'm just giving my take on what you've put out there. Did you hope somebody would call it?

 

At least a couple times in this thread, I've mentioned my wife's outrage and passionate responses to my tardy/trickle truth confessions. Those are legitimate emotional responses to painful reveals by me - not part of her toxic, day to day, attitude.

 

You're kind of attacking me, I think, for admitting that, once upon a time, it was easier for me to imagine my wife with another man than the OW with another man.

 

I'm in IC and we are working on family of origin issues. Inner child work. Lots of stuff that is absurdly difficult and uncomfortable for me.

[merrmeade]

At least a couple times in this thread, I've mentioned my wife's outrage and passionate responses to my tardy/trickle truth confessions. Those are legitimate emotional responses to painful reveals by me - not part of her toxic, day to day, attitude.

 

You're kind of attacking me, I think, for admitting that, once upon a time, it was easier for me to imagine my wife with another man than the OW with another man.

 

I'm in IC and we are working on family of origin issues. Inner child work. Lots of stuff that is absurdly difficult and uncomfortable for me.

Okay. A fair and honest response, as was the other. I decided to respond to the previous post at face value. I'm glad if it's not a fair or complete analysis of your experience and apologize if it's wrong or not useful.

[shermanator]

Okay. A fair and honest response, as was the other. I decided to respond to the previous post at face value. I'm glad if it's not a fair or complete analysis of your experience and apologize if it's wrong or not useful.

 

I was a severely conflict avoidant alcoholic (raised by two alcoholics), who married a seemingly stable, moral, pretty girl that, for whatever reason, took an interest in me. We started a family together. As I sobered up and stopped running from my feelings, I realized that my wife wasn't (in my eyes) a real partner and, instead of telling her how I felt, I ran to an OW.

 

And, speaking only from MY experience, if someone is having an A... totally in the fog and in love and obsessed and texting all day, etc, I think, naturally, the idea of the AP ditching them is BRUTAL. At the height of my A, I probably would have been thrilled if my wife had decided to run off with some guy... It would have given me an easy out to chase my AP.

[merrmeade]

As I sobered up and stopped running from my feelings, I realized that my wife wasn't (in my eyes) a real partner and, instead of telling her how I felt, I ran to an OW.

So I'm wondering how the MC is coming, since you've told her how you felt by now. And her own IC. Shouldn't she be taking care of some of those "unhappy" issues in the privacy of her own therapy sessions? I still don't like how you used the MC's remark. It seemed to me you were using it to bolster your feelings of rejection toward her.

[shermanator]

So I'm wondering how the MC is coming, since you've told her how you felt by now. And her own IC. Shouldn't she be taking care of some of those "unhappy" issues in the privacy of her own therapy sessions? I still don't like how you used the MC's remark. It seemed to me you were using it to bolster your feelings of rejection toward her.

 

I was using the MC's comment for context of my feelings, for sure. My W makes things hard. Questions people. Foresees catastrophes around every corner... Instead of telling her that she was a buzzkill before, I would shudder, avoid conflict, drink and not communicate with her. That was my coping mechanism.

 

Yes, she's working on issues in IC. Our MC sessions are productive... we are still going every 2 weeks.

[merrmeade]

I was using the MC's comment for context of my feelings, for sure. My W makes things hard. Questions people. Foresees catastrophes around every corner... Instead of telling her that she was a buzzkill before, I would shudder, avoid conflict, drink and not communicate with her. That was my coping mechanism.

 

Yes, she's working on issues in IC. Our MC sessions are productive... we are still going every 2 weeks.

I wonder if she agrees with these characterizations and if she recalls the same history the same way?

[S2B]

I was using the MC's comment for context of my feelings, for sure. My W makes things hard. Questions people. Foresees catastrophes around every corner... Instead of telling her that she was a buzzkill before, I would shudder, avoid conflict, drink and not communicate with her. That was my coping mechanism.

 

Yes, she's working on issues in IC. Our MC sessions are productive... we are still going every 2 weeks.

 

Can you expand on these things you are eluding to?

 

What does your wife do that makes things hard?

 

How does your communication look now? What are YOU OFFERING that is honest?

 

When there's conflict - are you staying calm? Stating how you feel? Using your words to express to her what you will and won't find acceptable behavior?

 

Have you told her where your boundary is? You must know where that line in the sand is and what you plan to do if/when that line is crossed. Have you told her what that looks like for you?

[shermanator]

I wonder if she agrees with these characterizations and if she recalls the same history the same way?

 

She denies her toxicity or 'harshness,' despite our MC and her IC mentioning that she comes off that way. She has a hard time saying 'Hi' to people because she overthinks basic human interactions and assumes that people will automatically be turned off by her.

 

So, sure, I'm probably overplaying or overstating some of her personality issues and she might have a different take on our history, but there are some legit issues there.

[shermanator]

Can you expand on these things you are eluding to?

 

What does your wife do that makes things hard?

 

How does your communication look now? What are YOU OFFERING that is honest?

 

When there's conflict - are you staying calm? Stating how you feel? Using your words to express to her what you will and won't find acceptable behavior?

 

Have you told her where your boundary is? You must know where that line in the sand is and what you plan to do if/when that line is crossed. Have you told her what that looks like for you?

 

Honestly, she makes life hard. She can sometimes make the mundane (dishes, laundry, homework with the kids) seem impossible.

 

Yes, I stay calm. I've been good about calling Timeout (from our MC) and saving any triggering conversations until we get to his office. We don't have many of these any more, but there was a period of time where we had them frequently. As for 'acceptable' behavior, she's a grown woman, I don't tell her how to act... I just mention times where I think she comes off as toxic or harsh.

 

I've become a pretty open book... I tell her my thoughts, fears, desires, sex stuff, whatever. She has a hard time hearing the truth and thinks I'm judging her when I tell her that she is being harsh or toxic. I'm really not judging, just telling her how she's coming off... telling her that I'm feeling that way eliminates the resentment that I used to feel by not saying anything, though.