7andcounting Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 I don't even know where to start. Its been a year. We met knowing that we were both ending our marriages. He joked about winning and that he would end his before I could ever get out of mine. Its been a year. I live alone, while still not divorced I am in every other sense. He's not. He's made no changes in his position, they live together. I don't know what I am trying to get or accomplish by this post. But I know that I so often justify things for him. After a year I have learned to let things go. I always feel important, he makes me important. She knows about me. My ex sent her a packet of pictures, I don't know what happened. I never asked. At what point do I stop justifying his feelings for me. How do I stop convincing myself that he is going to leave. I know I am stupid, for some reason I gave him the power to make me feel destroyed. I can't seem to be able to take the power back. I feel like he has not fully made the decision to end his marriage. He always has reasons why he hasn't taken that next step. But when he's here, he's here. He has an amazing relationship with my daughter. Talks to her about choices in boys, is teaching her to drive and when he's involved in conversation with her he uses the terms we and talks with her about the future. I said to him the other day that he has two lives. The one here and the one there. He told me that my thoughts on it were harsh, its reality though. I honestly believe because he's sitting where he is he will NEVER see how it seems from my seat. I am not sure what to do. I didn't set out to start a relationship that would become so involved. I thought it was nice that we were in the same place. I guess any advice you could give would be wonderful because I just don't know what I am looking for. I have decided I am going to do the following: 1. Concentrate on relationships outside of what we have. 2. Make plans and keep them even if he is available. 3. Try to start seeing other people. Or even just talk myself into being "available" What else is there that I can do? Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Go NC and cease all communication...clean cut. This is a dead end and a cheater isn't a very good partner in the long run, find someone who will respect you and treat you well without subterfuge and infidelity. Be better than this. You know the right answer so stop being in denial and think you can slowly edge away from this dramafest. You need to make a clean break and tell him no more contact and heal yourself from doing something that is morally and psychologically damaging to you. Time to stop wishing and start living. Good luck, Grumps 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 Apologies in advance for what may sound harsh. Why in the hell is a married man interacting with your daughter? This cannot possibly be healthy for her to see. He does not have a great relationship with your daughter, he has an F'd up one. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 7andcounting Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 Apologies in advance for what may sound harsh. Why in the hell is a married man interacting with your daughter? This cannot possibly be healthy for her to see. He does not have a great relationship with your daughter, he has an F'd up one. Not harsh at all. She does not know he is married. It's never been a topic that was approached and therefore to her he's just who he is. Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 OK I will rephrase, why are you exposing her to him? I guess to each his own, but you're choosing to participate in an affair. Not sure why you're putting her in it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 7andcounting Posted June 16, 2014 Author Share Posted June 16, 2014 OK I will rephrase, why are you exposing her to him? I guess to each his own, but you're choosing to participate in an affair. Not sure why you're putting her in it. I started seeing him from a support group. She knows him from there. The relationship with him started after meeting him there. Its a long complicated story. But she was not introduced to him through my dating him. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2014 Share Posted June 16, 2014 You have two choices here. Stay and continue the affair and be his OW or you end it and walk away. He could have left and divorced his wife like you D your husband but he hasn't and he isn't going to. He doesn't want to start over again and give up everything and everybody he knows and loves. Look at it like that, very simple. You must have been ready to leave and D your husband regardless if MM was in your life or not, right? Well, he probably never had any real intention of doing that, though he was interested in having the affair with you. Please end this so you can be at peace and find happiness again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 7andcounting Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 So today it happened... I made a decision... He gave me the ability to do what I had been thinking of doing for days, weeks, months... When I do things that are not me the relationship is compromising who I am. The long story... He was out of town, I had planned to pick him up from the airport and he let me know that someone else would. I thought it was odd. He had planned on me getting him and then on his layover gave me some confusing BS story about getting back home. I went to the airport. It was stupid. I just wanted to know if he was lying. And he was. She was there with her blond hair and two little kids to get him. I sat with my Bloody Mary (double shot) and waited. I had made the decision... I was going to see how he acted towards her. A delayed flight and 45 minutes later he first sent a text (LIE) and called as he was getting off the plane (LIES!)... He walked out, grabbed his youngest son and walked away. There was no warm welcome, no physical contact between them. (Gosh he told the truth about something!). I waited watching... Hoping for some sort of contact between the two of them, it never happened. Driving home I made the decision. He may have been honest about their relationship. But he lied. He could have simply told me she insisted. He didnt though... Driving home I decided. I opened his contact in my phone and clicked the BLOCK button!!! I did it. I have this resolve. Someone responded to my other post saying that he hadn't made that decision. That he wasn't ready to lose everything and everyone. I've known that. So today... I will no longer talk to him. I will not call him, text him. It will be hard. But I can make the decision based on myself. I deserve normal. I deserve someone who I can trust with the big stuff and the small stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 How are you doing today, 7? So glad to read from your post that you are getting out of a R that wasn't helping you live the life you want to live and be the person you know yourself to be. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Whatever you do, don't drag your kid in to it. This will more than likely end badly and she will lose contact with an adult she trusts. Today is the day you end the relationship between him and your kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Soverysad123 Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 A very big well done. Stay strong because it will become harder and harder to not contact. Keep reminding yourself why you are doing this. We know the truth in our hearts as to what's real and try and justify things when we hear or feel something is not quite right. Well done on starting NC. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Apologies in advance for what may sound harsh. Why in the hell is a married man interacting with your daughter? This cannot possibly be healthy for her to see. He does not have a great relationship with your daughter, he has an F'd up one. That's the first thing that stood out to me as well. If adults want to engage in affairs so be it but I really find it incredibly irresponsible to introduce your affair partner to your child and have them have a relationship with them as well....I mean come on....the relationship you have is not out in the open, you are here because you're struggling with it, and you've also put your daughter in the unfair position of becoming close to a man who cannot promise you or her anything...why??? He's not her dad neither is he your legitimate bf and IMO should have NEVER been allowed to become close to her until he proved himself....i.e. divorced and was with you legitimately. In any case we justify because we want to believe and do certain things and we want what we're already doing to make sense, esp when a feeling is telling us it makes no sense. You're hopeful about MM and want things to work...most of us have been there but obviously you're discouraged because besides your feelings he isn't doing a thing to make that happen and there is more evidence that things will continue to stay the same than not. I agree with others who have said that there is really no way to wean yourself off. You can't talk yourself into being available while still having a relationship with MM...you're not emotionally available. Continuing to see him, sleep with him, emotionally depend on him etc. but saying something else isn't effective. You're either done or you're not. You either tell him you CANNOT do this anymore and need to break it off and if he ever is free he can find you or continue the affair. But the OW fantasy when things aren't going well with MM that you can somehow still see him, sleep with him, "a little" and look for another relationship and you'll meet a great man and then leave MM for good almost never happens. It's a nice wish...and it's easy and pretty much the same kind of cake eating. You wanting to enjoy parts of the A but then get a full relationship elsewhere without any of the pain of leaving...just juggling two people and then somehow making a clean break from one and straight into a pre-made new relationship. This man will allow things to go on for as long as you allow it. It's up to you to put your foot down. It's not about ultimatums or twisting his arm, but genuinely choosing what's best for you and especially your daughter whom you've prematurely brought into this. The pain of leaving him and what ifs are scary and seem unbearable but they really aren't...and it eventually ends and you see things a lot clearer. But dragging this on and on will only deplete you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 7andcounting Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 How are you doing today, 7? So glad to read from your post that you are getting out of a R that wasn't helping you live the life you want to live and be the person you know yourself to be. I am very sad. Its so hard... But I know its not right. Hes coming to get his motorcycle today. I have a friend that will be here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 7andcounting Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 A very big well done. Stay strong because it will become harder and harder to not contact. Keep reminding yourself why you are doing this. We know the truth in our hearts as to what's real and try and justify things when we hear or feel something is not quite right. Well done on starting NC. Oh my hell... Its so hard. I didnt sleep, am sick to my stomach... Its disgusting the way I am reacting to this. I laid there last night wondering what happened. I know she saw me. The opposite of her... Its difficult... Link to post Share on other sites
Soverysad123 Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Oh my hell... Its so hard. I didnt sleep, am sick to my stomach... Its disgusting the way I am reacting to this. I laid there last night wondering what happened. I know she saw me. The opposite of her... Its difficult... It's so hard and the pain is just terrible. When exMM and I ended the A the pain was unbearable and I couldn't share it. I thought he was the one and now 3 months later, I realise he is the biggest loser going and I can't believe I fell head over heals for him. I could of destroyed my life for someone that was not worthy of it. Lots of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 I am very sad. Its so hard... But I know its not right. Hes coming to get his motorcycle today. I have a friend that will be here. 7andcounting, when you're hurting try to recall the times when it hurt the most to be in the A. And the times and ways you felt disrespected. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 7andcounting Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 7andcounting, when you're hurting try to recall the times when it hurt the most to be in the A. And the times and ways you felt disrespected. I have been doing just that. He called the house phone today (Yes so old school!). We never use it, we just answer the phone... He does not understand whats happened. Ha! I am sure he knows he just does not want to say. I will have to remember that I have felt crazy! Seriously like a nut for the last couple of weeks. Its not me, I cant do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 (edited) I will have to remember that I have felt crazy! Seriously like a nut for the last couple of weeks. Its not me, I cant do it. Totally normal! It will get better! This is part of the prep for an R that will not make you crazy or nutty! This is progress. One foot in front of the other............. Edited June 19, 2014 by Speakingofwhich Link to post Share on other sites
Author 7andcounting Posted June 20, 2014 Author Share Posted June 20, 2014 I broke down and called him. I don't know what my problem is... Its awful the feelings I have running through me. I told him I was at the airport, heres the thing. I know she saw me. She knows who I am and he already knew it. He went ice cold. WTF! Hes the one that lied. And here I am still sitting kicking myself for feeling like I did something wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Soverysad123 Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 I broke down and called him. I don't know what my problem is... Its awful the feelings I have running through me. I told him I was at the airport, heres the thing. I know she saw me. She knows who I am and he already knew it. He went ice cold. WTF! Hes the one that lied. And here I am still sitting kicking myself for feeling like I did something wrong. Hello Please don't feel terrible for braking down and calling him. I ended things with exMM 3 months ago and as soon as I did even though it was what I wanted on some level, I missed him like crazy and just couldn't cope not hearing from him etc. I have felt at times crazy, just couldn't copy. Now three months later I can finally say and mean it that I don't want anything to do with exMM ever. Not friends or anything else ever. I never thought I would feel that, have always wanted him as a friends and then on Wednesday I realised he was playing mind games with me and I realised he was not a friend, far from it. A friend would not try and hurt me. And I truly now want to focus on my family, something I should of always been doing. The crazy is part of it. Please hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 7andcounting Posted June 23, 2014 Author Share Posted June 23, 2014 I feel so pathetic. I dont know what to do. I walk around like a zombie looking at my phone waiting... wanting something. I broke no contact... It was stupid. I dont know what to do because I love him. I have never been physically sick about someone. I have never felt the way I do about anyone. Its stupid... I need to get a grip... Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLee Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 Please hang in there 7! You are doing the best thing possible at the end of the day. If he wanted to be with you, then he would find a way. Don't miss anymore of your precious time possibly finding someone who will adore you and treasure you waiting for a guy who can't make up his mind- or worse is a cake eater. If it's meant to be it will be. And not because you are doing all of the work. It takes two. Lee Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 23, 2014 Share Posted June 23, 2014 I feel so pathetic. I dont know what to do. I walk around like a zombie looking at my phone waiting... wanting something. I broke no contact... It was stupid. I dont know what to do because I love him. I have never been physically sick about someone. I have never felt the way I do about anyone. Its stupid... I need to get a grip... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/337989-no-contact-nc-guide-long-walk-consolidated-discussion Next time you feel like breaking contact, read the above thread! You can do this, try to ride out the bad times and know that better times are around the corner. Keep busier if you can, be with good friends and family so you're not isolating yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 7andcounting Posted December 6, 2014 Author Share Posted December 6, 2014 Ive read everything on this site for quite sometime. I tried NC twice and failed. Looking staring at my phone, pining for attention. I know! I have to be done. Its nearly 2 years of a vicious cycle of good and bad. My story is not much different then anyone else. I am in love with a crazy, stupid man that continuously lies to me. I am trying to figure out how to go through everything that has happened. But does it really matter? My relationship is toxic. I caught him talking to a woman "Lindsey" that he works with. For 18 months as she tried to wiggle in he said there was nothing to worry about. He lied, he started communicating with her about fantasies. Now... Its me (OW), "Kristi" (BS) and "Lindsey" (OOW) I called the BS, OOW. I didn't speak to his wife, her though I did. The worst thing is that I have dealt with his fits about what I do when he isnt here. There is a sense of distrust... He didn't ever have anything to worry about. (I know sounds stupid!) I was "faithful" to a fault to this MM that was not deserving of my devotion. Tonight... Behind my tear and shattered heart I am relinquishing the hold he has on me. I didn't say good bye, I didn't say don't contact me... I am just leaving without a word. I don't know if its resolve or if I am exhausted from everything. In the end though I am going to work on healing myself, my heart and soul. I am so afraid to let go though... I cant rationalize the reason why. Is it that the hope I had that he let me have is still there? Or the fact that I have let everything else go... I do know that this is self destructive. I cant walk around with a sick feeling about everything, the constant worry, the up and down feelings, the drama, the wife... I wonder though if my feelings are real. If I really love him the way I do, if my relationship with him awakened me and opened my heart to what I really want. Rambling! I am sorry. I am seriously messed up. Tell me I can do this! Please... How do I do it? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 6, 2014 Share Posted December 6, 2014 If you "love" this dude, leave him alone. But more importantly, if you love yourself (which you do not), you will leave him alone as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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