NC Decision Made [2015 update]

[whichwayisup]

Tonight... Behind my tear and shattered heart I am relinquishing the hold he has on me. I didn't say good bye, I didn't say don't contact me... I am just leaving without a word.

 

Then it's not over. Far from it. You're leaving the door open for yourself in case in 1 week or 1 month you could very well change your mind and go back and continue on with him.

 

You have to tell him it's over and that you're done! Tell him that you expect him to respect your wishes for NC. You MUST block him so it'll be impossible for him to reach out to you.

 

2 years is enough. If you don't shut the door and lock it, truly want it over, you'll be here in another 2 years posting the same thing.

 

Get counseling to help you cope with this and be stronger so you can heal in a healthy way and grieve the loss so you can move on with your life.

[Rainbowlove]

Something my BFF kept saying to me over and over again when I was trying to go NC with my AP was:

 

"Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go." Spencer Johnson

 

I don't know if this will help you at all, but I just kept repeating it to myself over and over again until it sunk in.

 

One day at a time with this and lots of positive self- talk.

 

You can do it!!

[7andcounting]

If you "love" this dude, leave him alone.

 

But more importantly, if you love yourself (which you do not), you will leave him alone as well.

 

Harsh, but needed I guess. I am sitting here trying to recall if I indicated I love myself. I need the space to figure how to love myself again.

[7andcounting]

Then it's not over. Far from it. You're leaving the door open for yourself in case in 1 week or 1 month you could very well change your mind and go back and continue on with him.

 

You have to tell him it's over and that you're done! Tell him that you expect him to respect your wishes for NC. You MUST block him so it'll be impossible for him to reach out to you.

 

2 years is enough. If you don't shut the door and lock it, truly want it over, you'll be here in another 2 years posting the same thing.

 

Get counseling to help you cope with this and be stronger so you can heal in a healthy way and grieve the loss so you can move on with your life.

 

I did this on Wednesday. My exact words were...

 

I know that this is something that we can not recover from. I am hurt and do not want to continue this. You asked why I called "them"... I didnt answer. But its because I thought it would be the final straw, that after you would not contact me.

 

I do hope you get everything in life you wish for.

 

His next message to me was "Is your day better"

 

No acknowledgement of my message. Like it was no different. He came to where I was, spent the evening with me and has continued to message me.

 

I dont quite understand... Why he wont let me leave.

[7andcounting]

Something my BFF kept saying to me over and over again when I was trying to go NC with my AP was:

 

"Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go." Spencer Johnson

 

I don't know if this will help you at all, but I just kept repeating it to myself over and over again until it sunk in.

 

One day at a time with this and lots of positive self- talk.

 

You can do it!!

 

Thank you!!! I am going to do the same...

[whichwayisup]

I did this on Wednesday. My exact words were...

 

I know that this is something that we can not recover from. I am hurt and do not want to continue this. You asked why I called "them"... I didnt answer. But its because I thought it would be the final straw, that after you would not contact me.

 

I do hope you get everything in life you wish for.

 

His next message to me was "Is your day better"

 

No acknowledgement of my message. Like it was no different. He came to where I was, spent the evening with me and has continued to message me.

 

I dont quite understand... Why he wont let me leave.

 

But you didn't actually say "I'm done, I want nothing to do with you so do not contact me" or something along those lines.

 

So, obviously what you said to him didn't make a difference, he doesn't believe you're done because of past behaviour. 2 years on and off trying to break it off...Never really happened so why should he think it's over with you?

 

Okay, just ignore him now. Block him and do all that you can to keep busy and grieve the loss in a healthy way.

 

He sounds like a real d.ick.

[nikki76]

"Change happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go." Spencer Johnson

 

Im taking a screenshot of this. That is deep!!

[FusionCutter]

Harsh, but needed I guess. I am sitting here trying to recall if I indicated I love myself. I need the space to figure how to love myself again.

 

I wasn't trying to be harsh. I'm just saying, if you love and respect yourself, you wouldn't tolerate this shxtty behavior from a disgusting man with 2 APs.

 

You can do better, and unless you want to settle for a 1/3 of a man while helping him betray people, you really should seek better yourself. It's gonna be hard. Feelings aren't like a tap that you can turn off and on.

 

Good luck. Keep reading and seeking help. There are some really smart and thoughtful people on here to help you make some proper decisions.

[7andcounting]

I wasn't trying to be harsh. I'm just saying, if you love and respect yourself, you wouldn't tolerate this shxtty behavior from a disgusting man with 2 APs.

 

You can do better, and unless you want to settle for a 1/3 of a man while helping him betray people, you really should seek better yourself. It's gonna be hard. Feelings aren't like a tap that you can turn off and on.

 

Good luck. Keep reading and seeking help. There are some really smart and thoughtful people on here to help you make some proper decisions.

 

I just learned about the other AP. I went through his phone and found an explicit sexual message. I flipped out.

 

I guess there is a lot more that goes a long with it. But in all reality... He is a POS who needs his ego stroked. I pretty much always knew this, at the same time tough he was the solid one in our relationship. He was so much more open with his feelings.

 

I couldnt sleep. So I wiped him out of my phone. Pictures, emails, contact info... All of it, his number is not memorized... contacting him would be difficult. I just lay there crying over the loss.

 

I realize that I am broken, I allowed him to break me.

[GirlStillStrong]

I think you need to get honest and real with yourself and see that you are wasting your life all wrapped up in your feelings and this affair drama. Because really? Is this what you think life is all about? Some married guy who is cheating on his wife? This is what you feel is a good use of your precious time? Because he sounds like one big giant attention hog. If a child misbehaves and you tell him once what he is doing wrong and how to correct it, everything else he does to misbehave is either attention-seeking or there is just something flat wrong with him. Men are the same way. So how much more of your life are you going to waste telling this guy what he needs to do to be with you, and now running around like some insane person calling HIS WIFE and other mistress???

[GypsumSatellite]

I know it's not easy but you deserve more in life than being one of a harem. It would be different if you enjoyed the sliver of time and attention he gave you or were secretly thrilled by the sharing of partners but you're not.

 

He may have elements of what you are looking for but he is not what you need. You need someone who can give you that attention you're pining for that has no other distractions in their romantic life. I know you feel strongly for him. I know you want his attention, not another man's. This MM that you love wants everything he can get and more. You can't fight that battle. You are more than enough for any man and this particular man you love wants the impossible.

 

Find it in your heart to love yourself enough to leave him completely. You don't owe him anything. You tell him he's no longer the type of man YOU want in your life and you walk away. Oh, he'll be overcome with trying to win you back but you ignore it and remember: You want more than this. He can't give it to you.

[jellybean89]

I did this on Wednesday. My exact words were...

 

I know that this is something that we can not recover from. I am hurt and do not want to continue this. You asked why I called "them"... I didnt answer. But its because I thought it would be the final straw, that after you would not contact me.

 

I do hope you get everything in life you wish for.

 

His next message to me was "Is your day better"

 

No acknowledgement of my message. Like it was no different. He came to where I was, spent the evening with me and has continued to message me.

 

I dont quite understand... Why he wont let me leave.

 

Why would he leave you? You found out about an OOW and still allowed him to spend the evening with you. He knows you won't stand up for yourself, respect yourself nor have the dignity to walk away. He knows he just has to contact you and the vicious cycle starts again.

 

It will be done when YOU stop allowing him to be in your life. How much more disrespect are you going to tolerate? I sure hope you have used condoms...he definitely can't be trusted to not pass on STD's.

 

You are not a victim. You knew there was a wife. You now know there is an OOW. How you can allow him into your home, your bed knowing he is a serial cheater I do not understand. It isn't love. Love isn't this. This is co-dependency and lust. Not love.

 

For you, I hope you dig deep and find your dignity. Find your self respect. Find your self love. Remove him from all parts of your life and do NOT allow him back in. Ever.

[truncated]

I just learned about the other AP. I went through his phone and found an explicit sexual message. I flipped out.

 

I guess there is a lot more that goes a long with it. But in all reality... He is a POS who needs his ego stroked. I pretty much always knew this, at the same time tough he was the solid one in our relationship. He was so much more open with his feelings.

 

I couldnt sleep. So I wiped him out of my phone. Pictures, emails, contact info... All of it, his number is not memorized... contacting him would be difficult. I just lay there crying over the loss.

 

I realize that I am broken, I allowed him to break me.

 

He ma have broekn you, but there are two ways of looking at it. One way is that he broke you and now you aren't sure what to do, and the other is that he broke you, but what's broken can also be fixed.

 

Try seeing this as an opportunity to learn and grow. take the things you learned and use that to be more the perosn you want to be. Strong and confident, so that you won't find yourself in this same position ever again.

[7andcounting]

I think you need to get honest and real with yourself and see that you are wasting your life all wrapped up in your feelings and this affair drama. Because really? Is this what you think life is all about? Some married guy who is cheating on his wife? This is what you feel is a good use of your precious time? Because he sounds like one big giant attention hog. If a child misbehaves and you tell him once what he is doing wrong and how to correct it, everything else he does to misbehave is either attention-seeking or there is just something flat wrong with him. Men are the same way. So how much more of your life are you going to waste telling this guy what he needs to do to be with you, and now running around like some insane person calling HIS WIFE and other mistress???

 

 

Girl... Your correct. No, this is not what life is all about. Him cheating on his wife is not how it should be. But to me that time was precious.

 

Ive never asked him about what he sees as our future or tried talking him into being with me. I've known we arent going to end up together. Its too much to wrap your head around.

 

But my wish was for him was to pick himself. If he sat talking about how miserable he was when he and "Kristi" were home then its not a way to live.

 

I just want "Jeff" to pick "Jeff's" happiness.... I realize that's not the whole truth. In my head though when I went through my divorce I was picking me. Because the acting and living a lie was not worth it. My unhappiness wasnt worth it. And in the end all of that affected my kids. I wasnt teaching them healthy relationships and was so unhappy. So I picked me!

 

Stupid! I know

[Justme19]

Girl... Your correct. No, this is not what life is all about. Him cheating on his wife is not how it should be. But to me that time was precious.

 

Ive never asked him about what he sees as our future or tried talking him into being with me. I've known we arent going to end up together. Its too much to wrap your head around.

 

But my wish was for him was to pick himself. If he sat talking about how miserable he was when he and "Kristi" were home then its not a way to live.

 

I just want "Jeff" to pick "Jeff's" happiness.... I realize that's not the whole truth. In my head though when I went through my divorce I was picking me. Because the acting and living a lie was not worth it. My unhappiness wasnt worth it. And in the end all of that affected my kids. I wasnt teaching them healthy relationships and was so unhappy. So I picked me!

 

Stupid! I know

 

 

As much as I hate to say it- I bought into the 'I wish "exMM" were picking happy' and then when my wake up call came- it hit hard. He WAS picking his happy. He had his happy at home and he had his happy with his OW (me). But guess what? I too had chosen myself when I went through my divorce. There was no one else before my divorce was final. That is a very big difference.

 

Keep it all in perspective. Based on your posts- you know that he is not right- for you or the OW or his wife. Stay focused on what is right for you. You deserve a man that is there for you and just you. If that isn't enough- Why not keep with what kept you strong initially? Your kids!! It isn't easy- I agree and can't type enough to explain the personal struggle- but you know you are wanting better and yet only you can make that happen. Good luck!!

[7andcounting]

I am still in NC and and hurting so bad. Its been a month and I still find myself going through the motions and not living life. I started IC but find it helps little.

 

He hasnt reached out. My last message to him was harsh... I know this is the right decision, I just ache for him. He has been my constant. Our affair wasn't anything that was hidden, we spent everyday together 3-4 nights a week, traveled extensively. We were supposed to be going away tonight, I want so badly to message him.

 

I am not going to. I am holding strong because I know the pain I am going through is helpful. The loss is something worse. Like every OW in no contact I wonder if he is hurting as much as I am. Most likely not, he has his wife and kids to keep him occupied and his mind busy.

 

Me I look at the walls in my house and see him everywhere. I am thinking about moving... hes in my house. This house we picked together, with the idea of our future.

 

When does it stop?

[Friskyone4u]

Sounds like you are single and no husband that you are betraying. It stops hurting when you let yourself emotionally allow another man into your life. But right now you are still not a safe partner because if you break NC you would be cheating on a new boyfriend.

For who knows how long you have immersed yourself into the affair which was most likely a dead end from the beginning.

Gently, but stop feeling sorry for yourself, your situation is not unique, and if you let yourself you will get over this. But there will be pain but not as much as if you start all over again.

And stop worrying about being harsh in breaking it off. Sounding like you need another contact to "soften" it is just an excuse to resume.

You know you did the right thing. Now stick to it

[gettingstronger]

As a BS, my therapist said 3-5 years for recovery. Sounds like you were jerked around by your ap so I am thinking a month of feeling bad is probably normal. I have to say yoga pulled me through those early days. The centering and idea of letting go of what is negative really resonated with me. Try it and see if it helps.

[Healthier Me]

I know the pain you are feeling. My XAP and I also looked at a house we wanted to run off together with and get. I absolutely cannot drive by that street because it's a reminder of broken promises, shattered dreams, lies, and betrayal. I can't imagine how you can physically live in your home like that! I think maybe there's no way you could possibly heal unless you move and remove some of the visceral memories!

 

As for no contact, it's a B! I've recently ended my three year affair, and I've white-knuckled my way through most of the NC. But to hear from him now after all this time, would be unimaginable pain!! Even though you may not feel it now, you have begun healing. It's a very slow process, but once the healing begins it can bring you closer to the day of indifference (which is what I'm striving for!)

But YOU have to be the one to let time it do its work! These men were a part of our lives, and meant something to us. We can't erase that, but for me, I am trying to look at it for what it was- the WRONG relationship with the WRONG man! Regardless of my emotions, I can't deny the fundamental truth that I was stealing this man from another woman and his two young children just to meet my own selfish needs. *I* am the one who allowed my heart to ignore my head, so these are the consequences I must face.

 

However as painful as it is, I can now look in the mirror and know that I am once again a moral person who will never again repeat this mistake! So take pride in yourself for doing something that was VERY hard to do, and don't give in to negative talk such as "hating yourself!" You should be loving yourself for doing the right thing!

[FusionCutter]

This guy made you buy a house?

[Karmacharm]

The only thing that really helps is time. But in the mean time, be good to YOU. Be gentle with yourself (you've been through a lot). And if memories are hindering you, somehow get rid of them. Perhaps moving out of the house is the best thing.

 

 

I always remember this: don't look at it like you're giving up, look at it as you've had enough and deserve more.

[Eighty_nine]

How far into NC are you?

[whatatangledweb]

I went through your other postings. Your last contact with him was what would be normal after finding out that he was cheating on not just his wife but on you with OOW. You have gone through three break ups since June. This man will not ever make you happy. You seem miserable throughout your posts. He lies and cheats on you. Remember that every time you are tempted to break NC. No one deserves that.

[7andcounting]

This guy made you buy a house?

 

We purchased it together.

[7andcounting]

The only thing that really helps is time. But in the mean time, be good to YOU. Be gentle with yourself (you've been through a lot). And if memories are hindering you, somehow get rid of them. Perhaps moving out of the house is the best thing.

 

 

I always remember this: don't look at it like you're giving up, look at it as you've had enough and deserve more.

 

Karmacharm, its a good quote. I dont feel like I have given up. I feel like I am just now giving it to myself. Even alone is better then the constant sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. Walking away was about me... I've just begun.