Broke up 1.5 months ago, and coping is getting harder

[Sunbathe]

My ex and I broke up about a month and a half ago, and have not been in contact since we said our goodbyes. It was not a mutual break up, although it was a respectful one. It was my first ever relationship, and we were together for nearly 4 years.

 

I've been having a tough time with coping lately. I mean, I have come some distance from when the breakup first happened. I have not cried in a while now, have a normal appetite, and do not wake up nauseous every morning anymore. But in other ways coping has become increasingly difficult. I think about him all of the time, and miss him and his idiosyncrasies more than I could ever express. He truly was an incredible guy, and I feel as if I have lost someone who is a true catch. It would be so much easier if he had some massive character flaw to focus on, but he was just an all around good hearted guy. It is really starting to wear down on me that someone who I used to be so close to is becoming a stranger and there's nothing I can do to prevent that. I don't foresee him wanting to reconcile anytime soon, if ever, even though I wish for it.

 

I understand what mistakes I had made throughout our relationship, and although I will never know if they led to our eventual break up (he says they didn't but I'm wary), I know how to be better in future relationships. But beyond that, I don't know what to make of it all. I try to think through things but since this was my first and only relationship, it's hard to tell what was normal and what wasn't.

 

I am an anxious person by nature... I tend to think too much and the breakup is definitely contributing to that. I'd like to believe that I am fairly self-aware, but sometimes I think this is a downfall because I over-think and over-analyze. I'd like to just be able to shut off my brain for a minute.

 

Today the question that is plaguing my mind: My ex needed to leave the relationship to find himself, to find happiness. I feel that I should be more accepting of the fact that he is now able to pursue whatever will make him happy. When you love somebody unconditionally, you want them to be happy no matter what. But in reality all I want is for him to be miserable without me and realize what he lost when he gave up our relationship. If I love the guy as much as I think I do, why can't I find it in me to wish him happiness without me? Of course I recognize that he deserves to be happy, but I truthfully just hope he isn't. I kind of feel selfish for this.

[Atticus9292012]

I think the hardest ones to get over are the ones that really didn't do you wrong. Its easy to try to forget someone who cheated, etc. One thing that helps me is to basically tell yourself he didn't see how awesome you are and valued the relationship enough to stay. Who wants to be with someone who doesn't see their true worth? Work on yourself and try to stay busy to keep your mind off of it. When I went through my divorce I worked out a lot and spent a lot of time with friends. It helps.

[Sunbathe]

Yeah, that's why I've been trying to tell myself. Trying to keep busy as well but since I'm out of work for two months and school doesn't resume until September, I have a lot of free time to fill. While I'm back in my hometown I've been catching up with friends and spending lots of time with my family, but I am looking forward to school and work starting back up so I can get back into a routine.

[Sunbathe]

Which cliche holds the most truth: Absence makes the heart grow fonder or Out of sight, out of mind?

 

For me it seems the be the former, and for my ex it seems like it's the latter.

[MonWedFri]

Which cliche holds the most truth: Absence makes the heart grow fonder or Out of sight, out of mind?

 

For me it seems the be the former, and for my ex it seems like it's the latter.

 

As to which cliche holds the most truth, I think it depends how far out you are from the BU. My ultimate answer is that absence makes the heart grow fonder...but then you grow fonder and your breakup does not allow you to share that fondness. Immense pain comes, and then the only way to ease the pain is for the out of sight, out of mind. So, the cliches are true, but at different chronological points.

 

I must say also, Sunbathe, that your post really captured a lot of what I am going through right now. We seem to be in very similar situations. It's me who is having a harder time coping as time goes on after a "mutual" breakup that I initiated.

[Jewels7]

You're not alone. It's been almost a month and a half since my BU and I'm getting worse. I left him though and he actually did treat me badly a lot. I guess the further you get away you put on those rose colored glasses to look at your relationship. I feel like this pain won't ever end! Just gets worse.

[ponchsox]

It's a roller coaster ride for sure. I still haven't gotten over my ex (2 GFs ago) and it has been 9 months. Be prepared for a sharp drop followed by more peaks and valleys.

 

My best advice is to keep your mind occupied. Work out, start a new hobby, join a church, join a meetup group. If you can keep the emotions at a minimum it will make your life much more fun and capable of coping with the times of sadness.

 

Funny thing for me is I was very unhappy in the relationship, and now it's over still I'm missing it. We tend to focus on the good times and ignore what wasn't right for us.

[Jewels7]

Funny thing for me is I was very unhappy in the relationship, and now it's over still I'm missing it. We tend to focus on the good times and ignore what wasn't right for us.

 

Ah this is so true!!!! Especially when you know someone is bad but after

you break up then everything about your relationship just looks so lovely.

[Sunbathe]

It's a roller coaster ride for sure. I still haven't gotten over my ex (2 GFs ago) and it has been 9 months. Be prepared for a sharp drop followed by more peaks and valleys.

 

My best advice is to keep your mind occupied. Work out, start a new hobby, join a church, join a meetup group. If you can keep the emotions at a minimum it will make your life much more fun and capable of coping with the times of sadness.

 

Funny thing for me is I was very unhappy in the relationship, and now it's over still I'm missing it. We tend to focus on the good times and ignore what wasn't right for us.

 

Doing the best I can to keep busy, but since it's summer I have a lot of free time and my mind does tend to wander. I'm anxious about what is going to happen once the school year resumes, as my ex and I attend the same university and last I heard he was changing his major to my major. If we're in the same department chances are I will run in to him. Not only that, but we have the same circle of friends, and my apartment tends to be the place to hang out every Saturday night. I definitely don't feel comfortable with being at the same parties as him... especially in my own house.

 

It's crazy though. I feel anxious that I might run in to him... yet at the same time it's so depressing to me that he is becoming a stranger. Conflicting emotions.

 

I agree with you that we tend to ignore the bad and focus on the good. I too was very unhappy in my relationship, for nearly a year in fact. I tend to reflect upon the first two years or so of our relationship, and long for the guy that he used to be during that time period. I think this is why I often feel confused and conflicted. He has changed a lot over the years but I overlook that and focus on the positive qualities that he had carried with him until the end. I have a very soft and kind heart, and that is why I have a hard time being angry at him for what he put me through. I'm too empathetic of him to muster up any anger. I think being angry would make this process a lot easier.

Edited June 22, 2014 by Sunbathe

[Xemyd]

Reading this feels like déjà vu, it's exactly how I feel about my ex. Every single word of it.

[Sunbathe]

Reading this feels like déjà vu, it's exactly how I feel about my ex. Every single word of it.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time! If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. Maybe we can help each other through it

[Jewels7]

You sound a lot like me! I cried myself to sleep constantly and my ex always acted like a jerk about it. No one has ever been as cruel to me as he was, yet I'm not angry. Just sad. I'm really empathetic as well. Those very times I do feel angry (mostly at his family because I think they enable him) it makes me uncomfortable. Blah. Breakups suck.

[Sunbathe]

You know what I don't understand? I always tried to get my ex to do new things with me. I tried to get him to join a gym with me to workout together, I mentioned going hiking before, and I have even suggested just getting in the car and driving to where ever. Being spontaneous and adventurous. But he rarely wanted to do anything like that with me.

 

And now that we've broken up, I've seen through the grapevine that he is doing exactly the things that I always asked him to do. He gets up in the morning and goes to the gym with his friend, and he has been hiking lately as well. This kills me. Why is it that I'm not good enough to do these things with, but he has no problem doing them with friends?

 

I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise given it was similar during the last year of our relationship. I remember mentioning several times places I would like to go eat at with him, and what does he do? He goes there with his friends. We never ended up going. And when I would get disappointed or upset, he would always blame shift and tell me that I'm being jealous or insecure.

[learning_slowly]

Humans are not very good with change and even worse with rejection.

 

People that handle rejection well are usually really successful, because they're not too bothered by other peoples opinions and bounce back quickly.

 

You're not one of these people: for better or worse, you are sensitive. Like me, you care too much about others opinions, and so we are hurt for longer and dwell.

 

Our logic says there were problems in the relationship and there is definitely a chance of at least an equally good relationship out there. But to find somebody and rebuild that trust takes alot of work.

In this aspect of you're life you are probably lazy, as it is a daunting proposal.

 

Once you know you are sensitive and perhaps lazy in this area, you can do things to change that/those part(s) of yourself.

 

1) Stop being so sensitive. People have been heartbroken since humans felt emotion, and will continue to do so. But don't waste your life doing it: on your deathbed, will you wish you had spent more time crying over somebody who won't be in your life anymore?

 

I know its hard, especially if its your first break up. But do everything you can to move on.

 

2) Stop being lazy. What else do you really enjoy? Treat a new relationship like that. Put time and effort in to getting yourself in a frame of mind so you are ready to meet somebody new. Look at where you went wrong before (providing you can see where you went wrong), if you did at all, and take measures to rectify that part of you. e.g. He seemed to dimiss your suggestions, did you not attempt again to get him to go to gym, based on his health. Maybe you aren't assertive enough?

 

I know this may seem like I am being harsh, but I want you to realise you still have a life, that can and I'm sure will be very rewarding.

[Sunbathe]

Learning_slowly: Thanks for taking the time to respond! You are definitely right in that I am sensitive. I have a soft soul, and I truly care about everything and everyone too much. I always have. I remember as a child even being upset because I often found that I put more into my friendships than my "friends" did. It's who I am at my core to desire extremely close interpersonal relationships, and the fact that it seems like others cannot give the same to me is hurtful. It's a blow to my self esteem for sure. This breakup really has me questioning why I am not good enough to stick around for. When we broke up, he said it has nothing to do with me, it's his fault, and that I am a catch... but I think these were just kind words to try to soften the blow.

 

I am trying to be strong in the midst of this breakup. I don't lay in bed all day and I haven't cried more than a tear or two for a while now. I go out with friends when they are free, and I go for long walks every day. But it's just not getting any easier. He still almost always occupies my thoughts and I still long for him. What hurts the most is that he hasn't tried to reach out at all since the breakup. No breadcrumbs, just silence. As if I never even existed. As if we didn't spend 4 very important years together. Instead, he is happy as can be... hanging out with his friends all the time, and talking to another girl apparently.

 

I have totally recognized where I went wrong in the relationship, and had actively rectified those mistakes while still being in the relationship. Before we made the decision to break things off, he acknowledged how much I had grown and how difficult that made his decision. Obviously there is always room for more growth, but during the last year I don't think there were any major mistakes that I made. Whether or not my past mistakes led to the breakdown of our relationship, I will never truly know. The ex said he had long since forgiven them and realizes I'm a different person, so who knows.

 

As per your suggestion that maybe I'm not assertive enough... I think it's actually the opposite. I attempted many many times to try to get him to spend time with me and quite often expressed my needs to him. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am very communicative, so I never really hesitated to tell him how I was feeling. You don't sound harsh at all, btw.

 

I just feel like I wasted some of the best years of my life. I'm going to be graduating college next year, and I've spent all of my undergrad years deeply committed to this guy, who it turns out is unwilling to commit to me. Granted I could have walked away from him at any time... but he kept flip flopping and giving me just enough to stick around, but not enough for me to be happy and have my needs met. It's hard to not feel a little bitter.

[edgygirl]

I feel the same...

 

I kind of initiated the breakup by email as I was miserable... but then regretted it immediately but he went through with it not looking back.

 

I begged to try more and but he didn't change his mind. Now that it's really over I miss it / him so much. UGH. It seems we never learn :/

 

It's a roller coaster ride for sure. I still haven't gotten over my ex (2 GFs ago) and it has been 9 months. Be prepared for a sharp drop followed by more peaks and valleys.

 

My best advice is to keep your mind occupied. Work out, start a new hobby, join a church, join a meetup group. If you can keep the emotions at a minimum it will make your life much more fun and capable of coping with the times of sadness.

 

Funny thing for me is I was very unhappy in the relationship, and now it's over still I'm missing it. We tend to focus on the good times and ignore what wasn't right for us.

[MonWedFri]

Learning_slowly: Thanks for taking the time to respond! You are definitely right in that I am sensitive. I have a soft soul, and I truly care about everything and everyone too much. I always have. I remember as a child even being upset because I often found that I put more into my friendships than my "friends" did. It's who I am at my core to desire extremely close interpersonal relationships, and the fact that it seems like others cannot give the same to me is hurtful. It's a blow to my self esteem for sure. This breakup really has me questioning why I am not good enough to stick around for. When we broke up, he said it has nothing to do with me, it's his fault, and that I am a catch... but I think these were just kind words to try to soften the blow.

 

I am trying to be strong in the midst of this breakup. I don't lay in bed all day and I haven't cried more than a tear or two for a while now. I go out with friends when they are free, and I go for long walks every day. But it's just not getting any easier. He still almost always occupies my thoughts and I still long for him. What hurts the most is that he hasn't tried to reach out at all since the breakup. No breadcrumbs, just silence. As if I never even existed. As if we didn't spend 4 very important years together. Instead, he is happy as can be... hanging out with his friends all the time, and talking to another girl apparently.

 

I have totally recognized where I went wrong in the relationship, and had actively rectified those mistakes while still being in the relationship. Before we made the decision to break things off, he acknowledged how much I had grown and how difficult that made his decision. Obviously there is always room for more growth, but during the last year I don't think there were any major mistakes that I made. Whether or not my past mistakes led to the breakdown of our relationship, I will never truly know. The ex said he had long since forgiven them and realizes I'm a different person, so who knows.

 

As per your suggestion that maybe I'm not assertive enough... I think it's actually the opposite. I attempted many many times to try to get him to spend time with me and quite often expressed my needs to him. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am very communicative, so I never really hesitated to tell him how I was feeling. You don't sound harsh at all, btw.

 

I just feel like I wasted some of the best years of my life. I'm going to be graduating college next year, and I've spent all of my undergrad years deeply committed to this guy, who it turns out is unwilling to commit to me. Granted I could have walked away from him at any time... but he kept flip flopping and giving me just enough to stick around, but not enough for me to be happy and have my needs met. It's hard to not feel a little bitter.

 

I would focus on being grateful and attentive to the happier parts of the relationship. That is one thing that have helped me a bit over these past few months.

 

In other words, don't try to block out the pain because that is more difficult. Instead, to me at least, it is sometimes easier to remind yourself of the wonderful times and the content times you both shared and to live quietly with those almost devoid of spacial/temporal context. Hold on to the good and realize that will always be. Those moments will always exist.

 

Is this person not contacting you at all? Or is he just not open to the idea of hanging out? Or the idea of getting back together?

 

I'm sure he truly meant what he said about your being a catch. He must still love you as a person, whether or not he still wants to be in love with you....as painful as that is for the opposite person.

 

By the way, sunbathe, I would be ever so grateful if you could take a look over my recent post in the "Second Chances" subsection of the forum. I am similarly a college-aged person who just got out of a long-term relationship who is now regretting it after having been the person to break it off. It's gotten harder for me as time has gone on. Many thanks.

[Sunbathe]

This week makes it 2 months since he decided to end things. Isn't it supposed to be getting easier?

 

Yesterday started off well... I went hiking with some old friends, and I finally got some much needed peace of mind where for once the ex wasn't haunting my thoughts. That is, until I later saw pictures of him all over facebook with bunch of mutual friends (more like acquaintances). I don't know why, but this hit me quite hard. I broke down crying last night, and have been crying today as well. I've been doing well with NC and have had no real urges to contact him, but all of the sudden I really want to reach out and text him. What gives?

 

From reading other threads it seems like for the most part everyone's ex has contacted them at some point, so why hasn't mine? We didn't end on bad terms, I never did anything to truly wrong him. I stood by him and supported him for an entire year while he struggled and more or less strung me along. I feel used and utterly tossed aside. I thought he cared more about me than to just completely cut me out of his life.

 

My support system is of no real help either. My mom tries, but all she really has to offer is that "he was an a$$ to you this whole year, he's just a jerk". But he's not a jerk. I know him and I know what a good hearted guy he is. Literally everybody who knows him loves him.

 

And the only friend that I talk to about the breakup is not helpful either, as she just wants me to get over it and date her best guy friend.

 

I feel like I'm never going to love anyone as much as I love my ex.

[FredJones80]

Don't worry, I'm 3 months on, its better, but still not good.

 

No contact from my ex either, you aren't alone.

 

Keep your chin up, I've been following your journey since you arrived here.

[learning_slowly]

Well, I'm kind of 4 months in and it does get better. I generally don't think about her anymore. She made her choice to no longer be in my life.

 

So she isn't. I have done loads of activities and new things. After a while you're too tired to think about them, and as they don't deserve to be thought about, why bother.

 

Initially, I was happy for my ex, but there comes a time where you stop caring. If she really needed money, I'd probably be there, but that's about it.

So I don't think she could have been my soul mate, but if you had asked me that question 4 months ago, you would have got a different answer!!!!!!!

 

And as for your ex saying it's him and not you, that's the line I used to use when I'd met somebody else. Remember that does not mean anything about you, but he finds s

[learning_slowly]

Well, I'm kind of 4 months in and it does get better. I generally don't think about her anymore. She made her choice to no longer be in my life.

 

So she isn't. I have done loads of activities and new things. After a while you're too tired to think about them, and as they don't deserve to be thought about, why bother.

 

Initially, I was happy for my ex, but there comes a time where you stop caring. If she really needed money, I'd probably be there, but that's about it.

So I don't think she could have been my soul mate, but if you had asked me that question 4 months ago, you would have got a different answer!!!!!!!

 

And as for your ex saying it's him and not you, that's the line I used to use when I'd met somebody else. Remember that does not mean anything about you, but he finds somebody else more attractive in some way.

 

And instead of trying to fix any problems in your relationship, he baled as it's a lot easier. There's only the excitement in the beginning. I'm sure a lot of people do that. Hopefully you'll meet somebody wiser next time.

[Sunbathe]

Don't worry, I'm 3 months on, its better, but still not good.

 

No contact from my ex either, you aren't alone.

 

Keep your chin up, I've been following your journey since you arrived here.

 

Thanks for your support! I'm glad to hear things are a little better for you, and I hope they continue to improve.

[MonWedFri]

I would say give it 3 months. If your ex does not contact you by then, then it probably means his contact will come farther along the road (6-9 months?), if it comes at all/with intention to get back together.

 

From my own personal experience, at 4 months out, I would say it has just started to get minimally tolerable, with willpower required. That said, I cannot see myself being at a place where my heart can consider other people might for at least a year. A first love that lasted a long-time should, logically, take a long time to get over. And even I'm still holding out hope.

 

What led me to contact my ex after mutual breakup of our 3-yr relationship was mainly the progression of my internal reconciliation/emotions. However, if he hears/sees you appear to be in the process of having fun/moving on , that could make him reevaluate where he is at.

 

For your own well-being, you may want to consider going on a date purely to see what else is out there. That could help the process along. Or, if you need closure to help you move on, to precisely place what went wrong between you two, better to do it sooner rather than later to re-start the healing process.

 

Rooting for you.

[Sunbathe]

For your own well-being, you may want to consider going on a date purely to see what else is out there. That could help the process along. Or, if you need closure to help you move on, to precisely place what went wrong between you two, better to do it sooner rather than later to re-start the healing process.

 

I'm not so sure I am in the right mind set to be able to date yet. I'm definitely not in a place where I would actively seek out a date, but if asked on one I would consider going I suppose. There are actually several guys that I work with who have expressed an interest in me, one whom I semi-regularly text. I've been back in my hometown for the summer, but once I return to work in Aug we'll see what happens.

 

I definitely do not want to contact my ex. We said our goodbyes back in May, and I don't have much left to say to him. He was the one who decided he didn't want me in his life anymore, so it's up to him to contact me should that change. I highly doubt he will ever contact me, though.

[Sunbathe]

I've been really busy with friends this past holiday week and weekend, so I haven't had much time for my mind to wander... but now that I have some idle time, of course I am thinking about him more often again.

 

He lives in the town next to mine, and sometimes I have to drive to his town for errands/outings and I find myself getting incredibly nervous that I will run into him. My old workplace is in his town, and I sometimes like to stop in to say hi to former coworkers, but I find myself feeling very uncomfortable there. My ex used to work there as well, and there's always a chance he could walk in. It just makes me so sad that I can no longer go to places I have been going all my life without fear, just because my ex lives in that area. It's crazy how I'm so anxious I might run into him, yet some part of me wants to see him at the same time. I think the part of me that does not want to see him is stronger.

 

I'm also concerned about this upcoming August. I will be moving back to the apartment that he and I shared as the new academic year approaches. I am just so afraid that this will be a trigger for me, and set me back in my healing. We broke up in our bedroom, a room I will now have to sleep in alone. And to make matters worse, I will be living by myself for the entirety of August. My roommates are not moving back in until September, when classes actually start. So there will be nothing to distract me. Just myself and an empty apartment where the guy I love used to live with me. Can't wait!