Resolving daddy issues

[Ruby Slippers]

This is a long post. It's late, I can't sleep, and I'm in a dreamy state, so I'm not going to filter myself.

 

Recent events have led me to the decision to move back to my home state, and I arrived yesterday. My dad's health has been faltering for years, and today I visited him in the hospital, where he just underwent major surgery. I'm staying with my parents until I figure out the next steps with my career and so on, and have open invitations to stay with good family friends if I need to get away.

 

Naturally, all this is bringing up long-unresolved emotions and difficult memories, which I was fully expecting. I have a pretty good counselor, and I talk to some friends and family about these things. I've come a long way in learning to accept the situation for what it is, and do my part to approach him with compassion rather than negativity. But I feel that now is the time to resolve this, as much as I can.

 

What the problem boils down to is that I've felt unloved and neglected by my dad for most of my life. He was good to me and we were pretty close when I was a little girl, but then he got laid off from a good job when I was 6, and he never seemed to recover emotionally or financially. I had to ask a lot of questions and investigate the family history to figure out that his downward spiral seemed to begin with that layoff. My relationship with my mom has always been pretty good, but she's definitely subordinate to him and lets him lead the show most of the time, even when his judgment is poor. She's much smarter and wiser than he has ever been, but she loves him and endures all his darkness because of that, I guess. She had a spell of alcoholism when I was a kid - likely driven to drink by his emotional and verbal abuse - but he kicked her out of the house until she got clean, and then she did and stopped drinking for good.

 

I was a big overachiever growing up, in academics, sports, performing arts, pretty much across the spectrum. I was a top student in all the advanced classes and activities, the one disadvantaged kid wearing hand-me-down clothes and barely scraping by in many ways, with a lot of spoiled rich kids who made mean comments to me often. I suffered through it because I knew I was more capable than most of them. My teachers were constantly recommending me for special programs - gifted and talented school, an exclusive performing and visual arts school in a nearby city, intensive sports lessons, and so on. But my parents said no to every single one of them that required any investment of effort or money on their part.

 

I remember in first grade, when I got the letter inviting me to the gifted school, feeling totally elated. I always finished my work way ahead of the other kids and would help them. I was always the kid assigned to help out a new student who was struggling. I was the friend to the blind girl who joined our class, the Japanese boy who barely spoke English. I longed for more challenge and couldn't wait to get it. I went home waving that letter around, so excited about getting to go. But my parents just said no. No real reason or explanation, except the school was in another district and they said they couldn't afford to drive me the 5 miles to and from school every day. (I know now that they could afford it - but my dad poured all his resources into his 1 or 2 favorite kids, and sorely neglected the others.)

 

I cried, begged, pleaded. I told them I would write out a contract promising to pay them back for every penny they spent as soon as I was able to get a job. I told them that if they invested in me in this way, I would have much better chances of succeeding in the future, and I would be better equipped to help them as they aged. I was 6 years old. They refused all my attempts to do what most parents would be elated to do. I wondered why they even had me, if they had no intention of nurturing me and my abilities in any way.

 

Counselors at school would pull me aside and ask if something was wrong, but my way of dealing with things was to always be "the good kid". I thought that if I was good enough, smart enough, exceptional enough, maybe my dad would finally love me. I never told the counselors what was going on, because I was scared I would get my parents in trouble. Most of the positive feedback and encouragement I got in childhood was from teachers.

 

When I was 10, I took an interest in spirituality and started trying to read the Bible myself. I asked them to take me to church. They said they didn't have time. I found a nice lady who would drive me, and I went to church alone at 10. I would pray at night and ask God what I had done to deserve this, and what I could do to change it. I had recurrent nightmares of my dad burning in hell because of the way he treated me.

 

My dad was always intensely critical. I'd bring home the best report card in the class, and all he would say is, "Oh, you got a 99 in math. What happened to the other point?" He once came to a school play in which I was the star, and when I went out to talk to him and my mom after the show, the first thing he said, while the other kids' parents were lavishing them with bouquets of flowers and compliments, was, "You girls all looked fat on stage, but you look thinner out here." (I was extremely athletic and fit in high school - 5'10" and 130 pounds.) One of my friends had a bit part in the play and was on stage for 5 minutes. Her family threw her a huge party to celebrate and bought her tons of gifts.

 

I could go on and on with the sad stories.

 

I've put a lot of effort into working through this stuff in counseling and through discussions with friends and family. It's helped to learn that he was critical and negative with us all, to varying degrees. He was far less harsh with my sister who is his favorite - and it's no surprise that she has done better in life than any of the rest of us - but she tells me that he was also critical with her, and she keeps her distance somewhat. He was worse with another sister. Though he only ever hit me once when he was drunk, she told me that he whipped her with a belt until the backs of her legs were bleeding. How much does a man have to hate himself to do that to his young daughter? And when she told him she was going to college, he said, "Why waste the money? You never stick with anything." One of my brothers, the most independent one, barely has anything to do with him. He left home at 16, leaving donuts in the yard and tearing it all up with his motorcycle. (Funny, and sad.)

 

In recent years, I've begun making an effort to approach my dad with compassion, rather than avoid him or assume the worst is going to happen. I'm one of the few of his kids who has much to do with him. He's shown some promise. He's said "I love you" more pointedly, and a couple of years ago, he said, "I don't know why you think I don't love you." I've tried to tell him how I feel, but what usually happens is that we both get emotional and just leave the room, usually with me in tears.

 

I've no doubt that my very troubled relationship with him has impacted my romantic relationships for the worse. In my 20s, I basically denied the pain of childhood and was very headstrong and independent. I still am, but I've relaxed a lot. I had to learn to take care of myself from a very young age, because my parents did a piss poor job of it. So I mostly chose sensitive guys with weak or absent fathers who would let me maintain control, because that felt relatively safe.

 

In my 30s, I've seen a strong turnaround to favoring much more masculine, leader-type men - and this feels more right for me. My last boyfriend reminded me more of my dad than anyone I've ever been with. In the beginning of our relationship, I was strongly reminded of the family dynamic in the household when I was a kid, my dad had a good job, and times were happy and good. As the relationship progressed, my boyfriend became more critical and mean, and some of the words out of his mouth sounded as though they were taken from my dad's script. An example is one day when I was talking about how I was being tempted toward a bad habit and did not want to pick it up. Of course, I hoped he would say something supportive. Instead, he said, "You have no self-control." Another example is when I was asking him for advice on how to improve my start-up business and handle difficult, neurotic clients. He said, "You're driving business away because you're too emotional." I was shocked and very hurt by these statements, along with many other negative judgments he cast about me. He told me exactly what my dad said when we were discussing how critical he is toward my brother - "I'm just trying to help you do better." I told him that his critical comments don't help me in ANY way, that what I need is support and encouragement.

 

Though I never set out to create the situation intentionally, what was good is that with him, I was able to stand up to him as an adult in a way that I could never stand up to my mean, critical dad as a kid. I told him I had plenty of self-control and he was short-sighted to underestimate me. I told him I wouldn't stand for being criticized and diminished like that by anybody. Eventually, I left him, because the meanness and criticism continued and I just couldn't see a future of me lying down like a beaten-down doormat as my mom has.

 

I get that mean, critical people are projecting their own feelings of self-loathing onto others. My dad and his mother were abandoned by his biological father before he was born, and I don't believe he ever met him. Though he projects a pretty confident facade, I think he has always struggled deeply with the feeling that he's not good enough, and he obviously projects that on his kids. He generally only says positive things about me to other people, because that makes him look good and stokes his ego - my achievements become a trophy for him to showcase to make him look better.

 

In many ways, his issues have become more visibly apparent to everybody as he has aged. The most positive feelings I can muster for him are some compassion, but mostly pity. I think he's deeply depressed by now, and just stumbling along as best he can.

 

I think that if I am able to make peace with him, or at least make peace with my feelings about the relationship, I will see big improvements elsewhere in my life. I feel that this is probably the biggest thing keeping me stuck in certain ways. I don't think we'll ever have this warm, loving father-daughter relationship, and I accept that. With time, I am attracting more kind maternal and paternal figures into my life, and accepting their warmth and support wherever it is offered. But I hope I can at least improve things in some way.

 

I guess that at some point, I'm going to have to sit through that teary, difficult conversation with him and really lay it all out on the table. I don't know if it will change anything, but at least I'll finally speak my peace directly.

 

Has anyone here been through anything like this? Any advice? I'm sure I'm going to need it.

[Trimmer]

I read your whole post, and I sympathize. I haven't had a similar arc in my life so I'm sorry that I can't offer direct experience. I do have one small thought, though, relating to this passage:

I think that if I am able to make peace with him, or at least make peace with my feelings about the relationship, I will see big improvements elsewhere in my life. I feel that this is probably the biggest thing keeping me stuck in certain ways.

I think that making peace with him and making peace with your feelings about him are two hugely different things.

 

You know how when people are involved with a breakup, they so often say "I just want to have that one last conversation - for closure." And the very common reply is that you don't get closure from the other person - closure is a process that happens within you.

 

Part of the reason for this is that if you predicate the success of your journey on the participation of that other person, you yield your control of the process to an unpredictable outside entity. And in fact, you are basing the success of your process on being able to change that person from the problem that they were, into someone who can actually empathize with you and give you enough of what you need to get your "closure." Essentially, you need to drag them along your whole growth process to the point that they "get it." Do you really think you can do that in one teary conversation? Wouldn't that require the unlikely twist that he become magically receptive to your feelings, and sensitive to your needs?

 

I guess that at some point, I'm going to have to sit through that teary, difficult conversation with him and really lay it all out on the table. I don't know if it will change anything, but at least I'll finally speak my peace directly.

 

I don't mean to be a downer, but my feeling about "speaking your piece" is that you are entering with an expectation that (a) it will result in a meeting of the minds, and (b) that as a result of this meeting of the minds, your closure or continued healing will be advanced by it. And I just think there's a substantial risk that one or both of these things will NOT come to pass.

 

Now, I'm truly just offering these thoughts for your consideration. Perhaps you have a feel for your father, that he is changing enough that he might somehow, eventually be receptive and sympathetic to your approach - I obviously can't know, and I wouldn't wish to talk you out of it if you feel you have a clear view of that.

 

However, I do want to point out the possibility of finding that when you get right down to the tears and the raw emotion, he is somewhat entrenched in his ways and his thoughts.

 

I guess it's a risk/reward tradeoff. The potential, if you somehow had a breakthrough with him, and achieved some kind of rapprochement could be hugely positive, and that must be an attractive result to imagine reaching.

 

But if it didn't happen that way, and he just shut you out - would it really be satisfying enough for you to just "speak your piece", even if it just bounces off him? I do acknowledge that you said "I don't know if it will change anything...", so it seems you are prepared for that, but would it really be enough to close the chapter, just as long as you gave it a try? Would you be able to say, "OK, I did that step that I needed to do, and now I'm going to move forward on my own?"

 

Or would you end up feeling stuck, as if you need that meeting of the minds with him in order to break free and move on? Or worse yet, having entered that conversation with a hope (maybe even expectation) that you would have some kind of a breakthrough, if it doesn't happen (or worse, it all comes apart in some negative way) would it set you back?

 

I'm so emotionally risk-averse, that in my own case, I tend to go with the idea that my closure and my progress won't come from my parent (in my case, my mother), and that by "releasing" her from that part in my process, I accept the job of moving myself forward, but for that price, I also gain complete control of the process, knowing that I won't be relying on her changing, empathizing, or even understanding.

 

Just a way of looking at it. I'm not advocating that you should approach it in this way - you know your situation better than I ever could.

Edited June 18, 2014 by Trimmer

[gaius]

I like it when you don't filter yourself Ruby.

 

My mother was more the passive aggressive type but could always let me know indirectly she was disapointed in me. I've tried over the years to win her love and have some kind of relationship but I always just end up feeling exactly like I did when I was a kid. Reminded of how unimportant I am. I hope it ends up different for you but in my experience dynamics like that don't change. And it probably won't help improve other aspects of your life to be reminded of that.

 

Hope I'm wrong though. I've always liked you and would like nothing more than for you to finally get the love you deserve.

[learning_slowly]

I feel we all have issues with our parents.

The problem is if we take too much notice it will ruin our lives.

 

You have to understand they are human and can make as many mistakes as we can. No amount of therapy will change his attitude towards you.

 

As an example, my grandfather was very uncaring towards my dad until my grandma died and he realised he was the only one who was willing to help him. This is maybe why your father is now telling you he loves you.

However, are you sure they had the money? Alot of parents keep financial worries hidden.

 

Yet my father, follows a similar pattern and blames it on the fact he doesn't know how to be a good father as he didn't have a great one.

 

Does that mean I'll be a bad father?

I hope I have the sense to ignore my past and create a relationship where I don't rely on excuses.

[Hobbes' wagon]

Hi.

 

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through, it was heartbreaking and triggery to read! For what it's worth, I think you've grown up to be an amazing person, just by judging what you've written and how you've written it.

 

A book that has been helping me deal with very similar issues is called Toxic parents, by Susan Forward. So try googling "Toxic parents pdf" and reading the book online, or borrowing it from a library. I hope it will help!

 

Best wishes going forward, and keep us updated. We're rooting for you!

[GorillaTheater]

Ruby, I don't know that I have any advice or words that may help, but I'm mentally hugging you. I wish I could take all of that pain away.

[Emilia]

I guess that at some point, I'm going to have to sit through that teary, difficult conversation with him and really lay it all out on the table. I don't know if it will change anything, but at least I'll finally speak my peace directly.

 

Has anyone here been through anything like this? Any advice? I'm sure I'm going to need it.

My advice is not to go through with this. You need to accept that you will never have that cathartic conversation with him where you get the answers or the love you are looking for. I know you intellectually know this but you need to accept it as well. He can't offer you anything now Ruby, he is a shell of a man. You have to accept his weaknesses and the fact that there isn't anything he can do now to put it right.

 

As for driving your mum to drink, well as a daugther of an alcoholic father I think that no-one can drive anyone to anything. It was her choice and he did the right thing by making her move out and deal with it. But that's just a side-note to put a different perspective on this.

[bluegreen]

Ruby, I don't know that I have any advice or words that may help, but I'm mentally hugging you. I wish I could take all of that pain away.

 

I'll join in

 

B..... does not deserve you !!!!!!!!!!!

[Ruby Slippers]

Thanks for the advice and comments.

 

I think we'll have that conversation eventually, because he's shown signs that he wants to make amends. I'm sure it's only because he's old and needs his kids more now, but that's OK. For all his faults, he is generally sincere and transparent, not manipulative or fake. I'll never help him in any way that drags me down, but I will help him in ways that are healing to both of us.

 

In the past year or so, he's increased the frequency of comments suggesting he wants to make amends somehow. He's said wistful things like, "I should have celebrated my children's birthdays." A few months ago on a phone call, he kept saying over and over, "I've made so many mistakes."

 

He's also recently acknowledged my accomplishments in ways that he never has before. A while back I was attempting to build up our relationship a little by asking him for advice on running my business better. He said, "I'm not sure I can help you. You've a lot smarter than I am, and you've already gone far beyond anything I ever accomplished." I keep looking for ways to give him the chance to be my dad and contribute in some fatherly way.

 

I think that if I tell him how I feel, I'll feel better, even if he doesn't offer any explanation or apology. He'll be recovering from surgery over the next few weeks, and since I'm staying with my parents I'm sure we'll have some opportunities to talk. I don't want to get too heavy while he's weak after surgery, but I'll probably open up the very beginning of the discussion if things move naturally in that direction and he's open to it.

[Radu]

First of all i would like to just give you a big hug, the one that your dad should have given you when you were little.

 

I understand it, the same dynamic [rotten dynamic] happened to my dad and his brother at the hands of my grandfather, and it happened for a short while to me and my sister.

Damn golden child/rotten child, it just screams fear from the parent of the children ... he feared you and he still fears you.

 

It's good to see that you are getting over it, my dad never managed to until the day he died, and like you i researched my family history afterwards ... i like to think that if he was still alive, we would have had a lot to talk about.

 

Though I never set out to create the situation intentionally, what was good is that with him, I was able to stand up to him as an adult in a way that I could never stand up to my mean, critical dad as a kid. I told him I had plenty of self-control and he was short-sighted to underestimate me. I told him I wouldn't stand for being criticized and diminished like that by anybody. Eventually, I left him, because the meanness and criticism continued and I just couldn't see a future of me lying down like a beaten-down doormat as my mom has.

Do you think it was a turning point and in a way you have been searching all your life to stand up to him ?

Look back at past relationships and trends.

 

I get that mean, critical people are projecting their own feelings of self-loathing onto others. My dad and his mother were abandoned by his biological father before he was born, and I don't believe he ever met him. Though he projects a pretty confident facade, I think he has always struggled deeply with the feeling that he's not good enough, and he obviously projects that on his kids. He generally only says positive things about me to other people, because that makes him look good and stokes his ego - my achievements become a trophy for him to showcase to make him look better.

 

In many ways, his issues have become more visibly apparent to everybody as he has aged. The most positive feelings I can muster for him are some compassion, but mostly pity. I think he's deeply depressed by now, and just stumbling along as best he can.

That's normal.

As we age, they actually get more accentuated, unless we work on them.

 

That's why abusers never mellow with age, they just get worse.

 

I think that if I am able to make peace with him, or at least make peace with my feelings about the relationship, I will see big improvements elsewhere in my life. I feel that this is probably the biggest thing keeping me stuck in certain ways. I don't think we'll ever have this warm, loving father-daughter relationship, and I accept that. With time, I am attracting more kind maternal and paternal figures into my life, and accepting their warmth and support wherever it is offered. But I hope I can at least improve things in some way.

I think you have already improved in many ways.

 

Most ppl go through life without realizing how much we follow in the paths of our fathers and mothers, whilst very few actually try to look with constructive criticism at them.

 

I guess that at some point, I'm going to have to sit through that teary, difficult conversation with him and really lay it all out on the table. I don't know if it will change anything, but at least I'll finally speak my peace directly.

 

Has anyone here been through anything like this? Any advice? I'm sure I'm going to need it.

Why don't you write a letter, long one.

[Grumpybutfun]

Ruby, I can't tell you how much I can relate to your post. I had an alcoholic father and an angry, depressed mother and they never changed, never became anything but what they are, and I went NC with them years ago because I finally figured out that I can't fix other people's brokenness when they dont even have the insight to acknowledge it.

I think I regret the missing childhood most of all, where I didn't get one, the family, the idea of the father and mother that actually wanted me and loved me, not the platitudes or words, but the actual feelings of being joyful that I existed as a little boy. I was an emancipated minor as soon as I knew I could be one and I never looked back, only making sure that I knew they had nothing to do with the quality of life I get to have. They don't get my joy, they don't get my empathy or one moment more of my life.

 

I understand we all deal with things differently and it seems though your father is a complete dud, he at least is seeing that maybe he missed an opportunity with you and maybe he knows that he is dying and wants to make amends. I always encourage people to follow their hearts because regret after someone passes can feel pretty helpless. There are boundaries I would place before hand though.

 

1. Make sure you feel safe and emotionally strong, not letting yourself revert to childhood Ruby but maintaining in your head that this conversation is for you and your healing. If he isn't receptive or if he can't give you what you want, you walk out of the room knowing that you did your best and made the effort and so your part was accomplished. You said what you needed to say to release this man's hold over your life.

 

2. You have the power on your own to release him if you have any doubts that this won't go well. You just have to believe that you are enough just as you are without his love or approval because really being a sperm donor isn't really that big of a contribution in life so he may just be a lost cause. It isn't your responsibility, Ruby, to try to make him the man he needed to be and especially not your responsibility to make him see what kind of father he should be. Some people can't because they are broken, some because they are weak and some because they don't have enough compassion or love inside of them to do anything but rage and loathe.

 

There is nothing worse than knowing your potential was never nurtured, but from your posts I know that you still have all that great potential and have became a remarkable and wonderful woman. You don't need his blessing, his validation to live the life you deserve, the one you can still cultivate through your own intelligence and moxie. Don't let him steal one opportunity from you or one brave move towards your dreams.

 

My best revenge and best healing came from the moments when I ignored his voice and his disparagement of me and did the things I thought I couldn't do. I had my first college degree by the time I was nineteen though he said I was too dumb to move rocks, too stupid for anyone to take seriously, too idiotic for the real world. I have added to that list over the years, traveled the world, joined Peace Corps, retired from the military at the top of the enlistment hierarchy and married the most amazing girl in the world where we adopted three of the brightest and best humans that ever lived.

 

My father, well he sits in a hollow spitting tobacco off a porch collecting cans so he can drink all night. My mother is an angry bitter woman who has more health issues than fifty five elderly people out together. They are unhappy and alone ....just as they structured their lives from their actions.

 

Life is what we make of it. You get to make it whatever you want regardless of your parents lack of contribution except for negativity and sadness.

I believe in forgiveness, but I also believe that forgiveness is for you. You deserve to be free of this weight in your heart. We don't get to pick our parents but we do get to pick who we are and what we want.

 

Have the conversation, but don't expect a man that broken to give you much of what you need. Unfortunately we have to provide it all to ourselves and then learn how to provide it to our children. My deepest desire is that I am a good father to my children, that I have given them exactly what they need to have a great well rounded life. Because at the end of the day I can't change the drunk sitting on the porch, but I can absolutely make sure I am never like him.

It pains me that your father doesn't get the amazing person you are,

Grumps

 

P.S. Sorry for the lengthy post.

[Emilia]

Good luck Ruby, it sounds like you are strong to deal with whichever way it goes.

[Ruby Slippers]

Well, things aren't going well. He came home from the hospital yesterday, and as usual, we're basically avoiding each other. I'm trying to be positive, but even the sound of his voice strongly repels me. He just seems so unaware, down in a hole that keeps getting deeper. For the first time in many years, my mom raised her voice and was mean to me last night. He's been dragging her down for a long time and she keeps sinking further to his level. I'm very unhappy staying with them and have spent most of the past day in tears. I had violent nightmares last night. I have to get out of here. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll get dragged right down with them.

[Emilia]

You have to get out of there Ruby. They are in a codependent relationship by the sounds of it and that's not something you want to be around.

[turnera]

I had a dad who wanted a son. As long as I was willing to do 'son' things with him, he was fine with having me tag along. Forty years later, I have guilt over being feminine. But after years of being put on the back burner with him, and then he and his wife doing something very harmful to me...I just gave up on him. Walked away. Never spoke to him again until the day he died. I allowed myself to go through the Stages Of Grief to get over not having a good dad, and was able to shed the belief that I had anything to do with the douchebag that he'd become. I suggest that.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm so sorry, Ruby. I was hopeful you could find a way to get at least a little closure.

 

As with most of us, though, it sounds like that's going to have to come from within, and again I'm sorry that it looks like it has to be that way.

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not going to be able to get my own place right away, but I have some good friends I can stay with some of the time to escape, and that will really help. Hopefully I can get back on track and get my own place within about a month. I expect that this is going to be a trying time that I'll just have to get through. The silver lining is that as long as you can survive them, hard times always evoke character and strength.

 

I had a brief conversation with my dad this morning about one of his issues, and he had absolutely no sense of responsibility or self-awareness about it at all. So I think it will be wise not to expect or hope for anything from him, other than for him not to be antagonistic with me. If he does that, I'll just leave.

 

He really is a sad shell of a man, and I still feel mostly pity for him.

 

Grumpy, you're right that one of the deepest sources of sadness and pain in my life is my parents' total failure to nurture my potential. But on the bright side, my potential hasn't gone anywhere, I've already actualized a good bit of it on my own, and when I set my mind to it I usually surprise myself with what I can do.

 

Being in the same house with him again yesterday for the first time in a long time was a painful shock, but I'm sure I'll adjust and take the next step up soon.

 

I thought long and hard about this decision, meditated deeply on all my options for a month or two. I chose this path for good reasons, and those will become clearer to me as I go along.

[gaius]

I hate being right all the time sometimes. =/

[littleplanet]

Okay, deep breath here.

I get a little emotional over this kind of stuff.

 

First off, Ruby......

 

There's a gazzillion parents out there who would have been prouder than peacocks to have had a daughter like you. Through that long and winding road you've fought a good fight, and I applaud you.

 

The dice in life roll in strange ways.

 

I was never gifted or an over-achiever, yet still lived my childhood in many ways similar to yours.

At 16 I left......no act of rebellion, just to embrace the freedom to be.

And so I was.

And somehow, in some way, at the age of 29, was able to forgive my father. That in itself was a kind of miracle.....but the results were far more important. I had 27 more good years to share with him, get to know him better, hear stories, and most important: learn to accept him in my life for what he was, not what I wanted him to be (needed him to be!)

I think.........that's where the forgiveness really kicked in.

 

And did he forgive me back?

That last crooked grin he gave me the day before he died......tells me what my heart needs to know.

So now I have the pleasure of being able to miss him for the rest of my life. And the honesty of that is more precious to me than I can say here.

 

No matter what you do, your father will always see you as that little six year-old girl in a way that no-one else ever will.

And what's that worth? Only you can say. But you'll carry her inside forever.

 

My six year-old memory once threw a tantrum on me much later in life, when I was busy congratulating myself on how far I'd come, what I'd achieved, what a hot dude I was.

That little guy said to me this: "Yeah? Well you had to get through me to get to where you are now."

(and all he wanted was his due respect, you know?)

 

Respect.

Such a landmine field when we are young.

 

You try. You do your best. You struggle to find the key that unlocks that source of pain......so that you can finally feel your wings without the hurt.

Between now and whenever, you will probably find that combination of small victories and lesser defeats in everything you do to settle with your parents.

 

And siblings? (I know I have....) The four of us (less one gone for 4 years now) are still a force to be reckoned with. We rock the world. We fill halls with love. We witness, testify, cry and speak truth and celebrate ourselves, our journey. We don't back down. Not anymore.

 

I wish you all the best in this. Go easy. Stay strong. (You know you will.)

[shy hug] aw shucks.

[Tayla]

Needed a good read and one that comes from the Heart. thanks for being forthright Ruby.

 

As someone who lost both parents, I reflect on how that was my mindset, and given what I know now, I wouldnt have wasted all the "what about what you did to me" stuff on my parents, for the reality is, when all is said and done, the precious moments that are locked away and blinded by the supposed negligence and other supposed big deals, come out. I regret every arguement I had with my mom, she was more right then I wanted to admit. Your parents are human Ruby, and so are you. Get down to the root, make your peace, and forgive them. release them and yourself from this mental bondage that keeps you from experiencing them during these tender years. I get that you suffered in some ways and were disappointed in your growing years, you are an adult now, and those very things that were anchors to growth actually are stepping stones.

You and others will not get this message and its true intentions, til you go thru it, and I wish I could wave a wand to let you in on that part, its beyond resasons to expect that you or anyone can understand how Little those issues seem after someone is gone forever out of that equation. And you are left to hold yourself together. Make peace, and thank them for loving you enough to make it to adulthood.

[Ruby Slippers]

I helped with a project in the house today that my mom couldn't do alone, and it had an immediate and dramatic effect that I could tell made a strong impression on both her and my dad.

 

I think they were testy last night and this morning because they had just gotten back from a several-day hospital stay, and that's always stressful.

 

This evening we all sat together in the living room and talked a bit, and it was nice. My dad was being dreamy and ruminating about fond memories from the past. He's always liked to do that with me.

 

Then he suggested the three of us go out for breakfast this weekend. It sounds like such a simple thing, but I don't think that's happened since I was a young child. Usually when I visit, he declines invitations to go out to lunch or dinner with me and other family members. He's rarely taken much interest in me or spending time with me. I think this might be the first time in his life he suggested it himself.

 

It's not a huge breakthrough or anything, but it feels pretty dramatic coming from him. I told him I would love to do that. I think it's very important to acknowledge and celebrate any positive progress. I'm not getting my hopes up for anything major, but I do appreciate this novel event.

[littleplanet]

I helped with a project in the house today that my mom couldn't do alone, and it had an immediate and dramatic effect that I could tell made a strong impression on both her and my dad.

 

I think they were testy last night and this morning because they had just gotten back from a several-day hospital stay, and that's always stressful.

 

This evening we all sat together in the living room and talked a bit, and it was nice. My dad was being dreamy and ruminating about fond memories from the past. He's always liked to do that with me.

 

Then he suggested the three of us go out for breakfast this weekend. It sounds like such a simple thing, but I don't think that's happened since I was a young child. Usually when I visit, he declines invitations to go out to lunch or dinner with me and other family members. He's rarely taken much interest in me or spending time with me. I think this might be the first time in his life he suggested it himself.

 

It's not a huge breakthrough or anything, but it feels pretty dramatic coming from him. I told him I would love to do that. I think it's very important to acknowledge and celebrate any positive progress. I'm not getting my hopes up for anything major, but I do appreciate this novel event.

 

 

 

 

small victories..........

[thekid36]

I can sort of relate to some of what you are saying here. I lost my parents at a rather young age and was forced to live with an abusive uncle and an enabling aunt. It really does have the tendency to mess with your mind later on in life. No matter how strong one may be. I was able to channel the negative into a positive. Thus, why I became a teacher. I cannot change my own past. But, I can help others going through challenges. I also became a sort of independent rebel in some ways. Our past has a way of shaping so much of who we are.

 

 

The first issue is the negativity. Being within a negative environment tends to make one have a different perspective on things. It sounds as if your parents never really supported your goals and achievements. I could be wrong. And, usually am! But, seriously. Because of your experiences with your dad, it sounds as if you learned a lot of what you have about this crazy thing called life on your own. This is the same with me. Your strength and perseverance are admirable.

 

 

Having non-support at home means that you are forced to grow up sort of fast. You have to figure things out on your own so that you control life before it controls you. It tends to make you rather analytical at times. Also, it makes you live your life in survival mode at times. Almost as to subconsciously prove that you are worthy.

 

 

It is hard to break the cycle of parenting that leaves something to be desired. They are only giving you what they experienced. We try to break away from them. Yet, our past always seems to follow us. Perhaps your own has been stopping you from finding full happiness. This is why I tried for so long to find the love I never felt growing up. Not because of what I need. But, because of what I want to give. Yet, I learned the hard way that what you want the most cannot be forced.

 

 

What really sucks is that then you say that your dad uses your achievements in a way to make himself look like the amazing parent that he never was. As if he should take credit for things which you accomplished on your own.

 

 

Even still, you are a good person and seem to want to make peace so as to fully and better move on with your life. I tried for so many years to do the same with my aunt and uncle. Even as horrible as they were to me. They were never receptive at all. Everything I said and did was wrong or not good enough.

 

 

Thus, I stopped all contact for awhile. Why deal with all the negativity? I want and need to be around positive. I did not think anything of my decision at all.

 

 

Then out of the blue, I found out that they both had passed away within a year of one another. Him first. Then, her. I wonder if his death was too much for her. She was always very dependent of him. There is something so final about death. Now, I have no chance to speak to either of them again. No chance to make peace or to find any through them.

 

 

So, my advice would be to continue being proactive if you think it will help you better find that inner peace you may be searching for. But, if you feel that nothing positive is coming out of it, realize that you can only control your own actions. Not the reactions of anyone else. Be careful of being around an environment which may cause you negativity or doubt.

 

 

Even as an educator, I realize that we are our own best teachers. Nothing provides us with lessons more than experience. Yes, we will continue to make mistakes. But, the best things in life come from what is not always perfect. Nor, does it need to be.

 

 

Appreciate that your past is a part of who you are. That is all it really is though. It helps shape us. It is not always what happens to us that is most important. It is how we choose to react that truly defines us.

 

 

Basically, don't let any one person have too much control over your own happiness. Don't focus on one individual having the power to determine if you are a good person or not.

 

 

Because, you already are.

Edited June 20, 2014 by thekid36

[turnera]

It's possible he's sensing his mortality, given the hospital stays, and wants to strengthen his relationship with you before he dies.

[thekid36]

It's possible he's sensing his mortality, given the hospital stays, and wants to strengthen his relationship with you before he dies.

 

I could not agree more and am so hopeful this is indeed the case. I know that many others may disagree with this. Crazy enough, I truly do believe that people can change. It is something which just has to come from within. Words from an outsider, no matter how fancy, detailed, or even relevant, can only go so far. Sometimes, it takes an explicit experience to wake us up from the fog we were within.

 

Personally, I would have felt better had I been able to make peace with my aunt and uncle. I sense this is the case here as well. Not that it is necessary to exist. Just that it would be very nice to experience.