Resolving daddy issues

[PinkInTheLimo]

Then he looked me right in the eyes and said, "I’m not going to help you any more. You might get your mother to help you, but I’m not helping you.!

 

Well in that case I would tell him that you won't help him anymore, and that if he needs help he can contact your brother.

 

In life it's give and take. If you don't wanna give, you won't be able to take.

[thekid36]

I've been reflecting on the conversations with my ex and his initial hinting at reconciliation. I've pretty much made up my mind that it would be a bad idea. We already tried twice, and the problems were the same.

 

I've been considering not cashing the check he sent, but that's mostly for reasons of pride and wanting to punish him by not allowing him to do something nice for me. When I consider the situation pragmatically, these don't feel like good reasons.

 

My conclusion, as before, is that he's a great catch but not the right catch for me. I feel silly for even considering giving it another shot. But I always did feel a powerful connection and draw to him, from the moment we met.

 

I think that I will taper off the communication for now. My friend was right that we'll never be able to be just friends unless we're both single. I'm ready for love, and I don't need him on my radar distracting me from finding it.

 

Now that I've got my legs under me, I'm going to make more of an effort to build up my social life here and meet men. The singles ratio is working in my favor here - the opposite of where I was living before - and that's pretty obvious anytime I'm out and about, as there are cute guys checking me out everywhere

 

 

I again admire the way you are thinking. The third time may not be a charm in this case! There is a very important reason why you initially are no longer together. Even as much as you care about him. Despite the fact that he may be a really great guy. The theme of the past few months for you has all revolved around moving forward. Thoughts of him may manage to mostly hold you back. He will always hold a special place within your heart. Just not necessarily the main one!

[Ruby Slippers]

It's sad to read the stories of bad parents. But it helps to know I'm not alone, and some people had it much worse than I did.

 

One of my dad's friends that he's known for many years, a guy who does a lot of work for my dad, told me the other day that my dad is changing. He said he used to be agitated and distracted a lot of the time, but now he has this new calm and clarity about him. He said my dad has been giving him instructions on projects in a more focused way, he's being more encouraging and pointing him in a positive direction. This guy was also flirting with me a little, made it clear that he's single and looking, and said I'm "some kind of angel". If I knew how popular I was going to be out in the country, I would have come home a lot sooner

 

My dad has taken charge of more projects and enlisted my help, and he's moving in the right direction. I need to get some work boots and gloves because the projects are getting more heavy-duty now - and I'm enjoying it! He asks for my input on how to handle projects, and is even starting to take the occasional unsolicited, but gently delivered, advice. I've been truly amazed to see how strong and agile he is, given his physical limitations. He probably does more than he should, but I think it's important to him to prove to me that he is capable and have that validated. And I have validated him for it, because I've been truly impressed by what he manages to do. This shows me that he has a lot of life left in him and is capable of positive change - which has already begun. He and my mom have both been working hard to make some positive changes around the house and property, and it's wonderful to see. I've been careful not to push, but to let them move at their own pace, which makes it more pleasant.

 

With input from his best doctors, my dad has begun to decrease some of his medications that have negative side effects, and both he and my mom seem relieved about this.

 

I head to the big city at least once a week, where I'm participating in a public speaking group and starting to improve my speaking and presentation skills, really enjoying that. More and more, people are treating me as some kind of authority, and that's great for my business. I used to win speech contests in school and I know I have it in me to get up in front of very large groups and make an impact - but I want to build up to that one step at a time so I can do it really well.

 

My focus lately has been on making sure I'm spending enough time and energy on my own goals. I'm enjoying helping my parents and other family friends, but my business requires focus and dedication as well - so I'm making sure I'm giving ample energy to my own venture.

 

I appreciate that, while my parents never gave me much, they also never ask for much. So they respect my time and space, and are appreciative of anything I willingly offer to do to help.

[Ruby Slippers]

This has been a hard week. I've seen a lot of progress around here since I arrived, but there's also backsliding. I know that growth is often two steps forward, one step back, but lately it feels like chipping away at a mountain with an ice pick. I don't enjoy living here. But it is saving me a little bit of money for now, one of the positives.

 

My dad is very unlikely to ever help me or even offer moral support in any meaningful way. He doesn't understand or really care about anything I'm doing to develop myself and my business. All he cares about is his loser friends who leech off him. This is also unlikely to change, as he's entrenched with this lifestyle and highly invested in these bums. It's sad to see him throw away all his money and resources on deadbeats who are never going to help him or my mom when they need it. But that's what he's choosing to do.

 

My mom is fighting back more, but then he just gets more irate in defending his loser friends, so that's exhausting for her. Today my mom confronted my dad's favorite bum, who was hauling her garden hoses away to do some meaningless project. They often take things from the house and never return them. My dad started yelling at her, defending the bum, saying they're his hoses, not hers. She reminded him that she bought them with her own money, to replace other ones that his friends had stolen. Can you get any more pathetic? He invites these losers in to steal from him, and fights my mom when she argues. He also frequently invites his #1 bum in to dinner. When he does, I just leave the room, as I can't stand to be around him. My mom doesn't like him eating here, but my dad verbally beats her down on that, too, so she gives in. He'd rather have dinner with the bum than his family. Birds of a feather...

 

I see clearly now why he's driven all his kids away and they don't even visit him in the hospital anymore. I feel sorry for him that he's such a broken person, but my influence can only reach so far.

 

My mom helps where she can, but she's mostly subservient to my dad, and I don't see that changing much. I have to accept the fact that I have no real family, no real support behind me. That's a bitter pill to swallow, but that's the way it is.

 

I'm working on saving up enough to take the next step and move on. I feel sorry for my mom, but she's choosing to live this way and doesn't have to stay.

[thekid36]

This has been a hard week. I've seen a lot of progress around here since I arrived, but there's also backsliding. I know that growth is often two steps forward, one step back, but lately it feels like chipping away at a mountain with an ice pick. I don't enjoy living here. But it is saving me a little bit of money for now, one of the positives.

 

My dad is very unlikely to ever help me or even offer moral support in any meaningful way. He doesn't understand or really care about anything I'm doing to develop myself and my business. All he cares about is his loser friends who leech off him. This is also unlikely to change, as he's entrenched with this lifestyle and highly invested in these bums. It's sad to see him throw away all his money and resources on deadbeats who are never going to help him or my mom when they need it. But that's what he's choosing to do.

 

My mom is fighting back more, but then he just gets more irate in defending his loser friends, so that's exhausting for her. Today my mom confronted my dad's favorite bum, who was hauling her garden hoses away to do some meaningless project. They often take things from the house and never return them. My dad started yelling at her, defending the bum, saying they're his hoses, not hers. She reminded him that she bought them with her own money, to replace other ones that his friends had stolen. Can you get any more pathetic? He invites these losers in to steal from him, and fights my mom when she argues. He also frequently invites his #1 bum in to dinner. When he does, I just leave the room, as I can't stand to be around him. My mom doesn't like him eating here, but my dad verbally beats her down on that, too, so she gives in. He'd rather have dinner with the bum than his family. Birds of a feather...

 

I see clearly now why he's driven all his kids away and they don't even visit him in the hospital anymore. I feel sorry for him that he's such a broken person, but my influence can only reach so far.

 

My mom helps where she can, but she's mostly subservient to my dad, and I don't see that changing much. I have to accept the fact that I have no real family, no real support behind me. That's a bitter pill to swallow, but that's the way it is.

 

I'm working on saving up enough to take the next step and move on. I feel sorry for my mom, but she's choosing to live this way and doesn't have to stay.

 

Really wish that I could give you a huge hug right now! This is not easy on you at all. That is the bottom line right now. I know that you are so positive and always try to look at the bright side of things. Yet, that does not take away the mixed emotions you must be feeling. Ones which cannot help but take a toll after awhile. Even on all of us who tend to be the strongest of all souls.

 

 

Your father continues to be in full denial. With just about everything that is going on at this time. This is just totally beyond sad. Change has to come from within. You may be at the point in which there needs to be some sort of passive acceptance. I am not suggesting it will be easy at all. You may just end up being disappointed waiting for something which is not meant to be. It really is his choice at the end of each day. He continues to get some sort of self satisfaction trying to make strangers smile. Based on his own past in some shape or form. As if he is trying to feel both important and justified. Good for your mom finally trying to stand up for herself! At least a little. She will hopefully continue to have this same kind of strength going forward. His consequences to bear as the days roll on if he continues to treat those closest to him this way.

 

 

I know it is not easy to accept what was not wanted as an outcome. You just have to realize that you are above and beyond all of this mess. That you're an intelligent and reflective woman with so much to offer anyone who you choose to associate with. A passionate one who is both ambitious and bold. You have survived being neglected and have so much going forward to offer. You can still choose to care about them both. Just cannot let them hold you back from all the good which awaits!

[Ruby Slippers]

You are so kind

 

My day got brighter today. My mom revealed to me that my dad talked to her a couple of days ago about helping me out a little financially. I told her I wish she'd told me this then, but she said you know how he is, and she was thinking it might just be a thought he didn't intend to follow through on. My mom seems very attached to the idea that "nothing's going to change", "he'll never change", even though she can see some changes happening before her eyes. And obviously, this way of thinking is rubbing off on me, too.

 

He basically told her to help me out a little - essentially, she manages the money in the household, but he does everything he can to wrench as much of it out of her as he can. So she offered me a little bit of money tonight, and since I still need to set up a bank account here, we agreed we'll go set up an account for me soon, and use that money for some particular expenses I need to take care of.

 

It's not a lot of money - but it's something, and I feel very thankful that they are extending themselves in a new way.

 

Before my mom revealed this to me, I thanked her for the many ways that she has been generous since I got here - small things, but many acts of generosity that have added up.

 

This evening I did some research into social events, and found an interesting spiritual group (non-denominational) and this very fun-looking women's chorus that's open to newbies. I looooove to sing and have been wanting to join a choir for ages, but hadn't found the right one in the past. So I will most likely attend some of their events soon and start making new friends here.

 

I said in this morning's post: "My dad is very unlikely to ever help me or even offer moral support in any meaningful way." Before the day was out, I was proven wrong. In this case, I'm very glad to be proven wrong

[thekid36]

You are so kind

 

My day got brighter today. My mom revealed to me that my dad talked to her a couple of days ago about helping me out a little financially. I told her I wish she'd told me this then, but she said you know how he is, and she was thinking it might just be a thought he didn't intend to follow through on. My mom seems very attached to the idea that "nothing's going to change", "he'll never change", even though she can see some changes happening before her eyes. And obviously, this way of thinking is rubbing off on me, too.

 

He basically told her to help me out a little - essentially, she manages the money in the household, but he does everything he can to wrench as much of it out of her as he can. So she offered me a little bit of money tonight, and since I still need to set up a bank account here, we agreed we'll go set up an account for me soon, and use that money for some particular expenses I need to take care of.

 

It's not a lot of money - but it's something, and I feel very thankful that they are extending themselves in a new way.

 

Before my mom revealed this to me, I thanked her for the many ways that she has been generous since I got here - small things, but many acts of generosity that have added up.

 

This evening I did some research into social events, and found an interesting spiritual group (non-denominational) and this very fun-looking women's chorus that's open to newbies. I looooove to sing and have been wanting to join a choir for ages, but hadn't found the right one in the past. So I will most likely attend some of their events soon and start making new friends here.

 

I said in this morning's post: "My dad is very unlikely to ever help me or even offer moral support in any meaningful way." Before the day was out, I was proven wrong. In this case, I'm very glad to be proven wrong

 

I am so not kind at all! Just tend to make some sense at times perhaps! It does seem as if your mom is rather willing to change certain habits which may have been hindering your connection with her. She definitely seems much less stubborn than your father at least. It is not the amount which matters most when it comes to matters of kindness. Sometimes, it is those little things which mean the most.

 

 

Each and every day offers new opportunities. There is never any doubt as to that. It is how we take advantage of them which becomes so vital. First, they have to be actually recognized. You are a very proactive person and this cannot help but continue being a benefit going forward.

 

 

I know that this latest expereience with your dad has led to a whole bunch of different directions, Ruby. So many mixed emotions. I would just be rather careful about not getting too high or low at this point. His behavior seems to be sort of erratic. Sort of like living within the shape of a circle to be honest.

[Ruby Slippers]

It does seem as if your mom is rather willing to change certain habits which may have been hindering your connection with her. She definitely seems much less stubborn than your father at least. It is not the amount which matters most when it comes to matters of kindness. Sometimes, it is those little things which mean the most.

This is so true. I've always had a good connection with my mom, but my dad's dark energy has for a long time kept me far away from both of them. But she's key to all this, as she's got a lot more sense than my dad and sees the big picture, and is probably the most supportive family member I have. She's been doing all kinds of sweet little things for me, and I've been thanking her.

 

I know that this latest expereience with your dad has led to a whole bunch of different directions, Ruby. So many mixed emotions. I would just be rather careful about not getting too high or low at this point. His behavior seems to be sort of erratic. Sort of like living within the shape of a circle to be honest.

Excellent advice, thank you! The circle is a perfect analogy. One of his friends told me that he was having "a bad day" today. He kept cursing this August heat - which I love and have sorely missed while up North. After getting a lot done today, I spent the 2 hours before sunset playing in the water, laying out in my bathing suit in the blazing sun, and totally chilling under the big breezy trees everywhere. From morning to night, my dad cycled through moods from cheerful to angry, joking to frustrated, critical to thankful. My time with him today was generally positive and productive, but he often challenges my patience.

 

He just found a very good new doctor, and that doctor is overseeing a reduction in his antidepressant medication and another medication, which my dad initiated. I learned he's been taking the antidepressant for about 20 years - since I went away to college, leaving the nest truly empty. So he's recently cut his dosage in half, and I'm sure he's going through some emotional volatility with the change. He's always been emotionally volatile, and probably more than usual lately.

 

I don't let him cross any lines with me (criticism and put-downs, for example), and I try not to take his mercurial jabs personally. I manage this most of the time, but now and then it gets to me. When it does, I retreat to my own space and interact with him minimally and purely functionally. Then the clouds pass and we reconnect. Generally it's getting easier as we go.

 

I've been thinking about how this is a test of love. It's easy to love someone who's lovable - much harder to love such a prickly person. But he's my dad, and I feel that I have the strength to give it a shot. It could be that I will be driven away again, as all his other kids have been. But maybe not.

 

More and more, I can see that it all boils down to his own very weak self-esteem, his feelings of inadequacy, the pain of not having been loved in certain ways he really needed to, all the way back to childhood. I feel a lot of compassion for him.

 

And whatever happens from here, I now have a lot more insight into who he is, which is good for many reasons.

[thekid36]

This is so true. I've always had a good connection with my mom, but my dad's dark energy has for a long time kept me far away from both of them. But she's key to all this, as she's got a lot more sense than my dad and sees the big picture, and is probably the most supportive family member I have. She's been doing all kinds of sweet little things for me, and I've been thanking her.

 

 

Excellent advice, thank you! The circle is a perfect analogy. One of his friends told me that he was having "a bad day" today. He kept cursing this August heat - which I love and have sorely missed while up North. After getting a lot done today, I spent the 2 hours before sunset playing in the water, laying out in my bathing suit in the blazing sun, and totally chilling under the big breezy trees everywhere. From morning to night, my dad cycled through moods from cheerful to angry, joking to frustrated, critical to thankful. My time with him today was generally positive and productive, but he often challenges my patience.

 

He just found a very good new doctor, and that doctor is overseeing a reduction in his antidepressant medication and another medication, which my dad initiated. I learned he's been taking the antidepressant for about 20 years - since I went away to college, leaving the nest truly empty. So he's recently cut his dosage in half, and I'm sure he's going through some emotional volatility with the change. He's always been emotionally volatile, and probably more than usual lately.

 

I don't let him cross any lines with me (criticism and put-downs, for example), and I try not to take his mercurial jabs personally. I manage this most of the time, but now and then it gets to me. When it does, I retreat to my own space and interact with him minimally and purely functionally. Then the clouds pass and we reconnect. Generally it's getting easier as we go.

 

I've been thinking about how this is a test of love. It's easy to love someone who's lovable - much harder to love such a prickly person. But he's my dad, and I feel that I have the strength to give it a shot. It could be that I will be driven away again, as all his other kids have been. But maybe not.

 

More and more, I can see that it all boils down to his own very weak self-esteem, his feelings of inadequacy, the pain of not having been loved in certain ways he really needed to, all the way back to childhood. I feel a lot of compassion for him.

 

And whatever happens from here, I now have a lot more insight into who he is, which is good for many reasons.

 

 

Hi! It is quite a challenge to be honest. When you are feeling closer to one parent as opposed to the other. There really is an exceptional difference in between each person. Even despite the fact that they are married. Would be much more easier if they both were on the same page instead of within a completely different book. You may just have to treat them as individuals instead of as a couple going forward.

 

 

You need to bring some of that opressive heat back East! This has been the coolest and most rain filled summer I have ever experienced. The way he was yesterday fits right into that circle analogy. It is as if there may never be any sort of definitive place you are going to end up with him because of the same erratic ones which keep occuring. I know that is not what you were hoping for. Just better to be happily surprised than continually disappointed in this crazy thing we call life.

 

 

I would just take all the positive moments as they come at this point. One more than you had before the next one. It is perhaps not worth your patience being challenged though. Not worth having to hold a conversation trying to justify your reasoning even. Just completely remove yourself from the situations when he starts to become that angry, frustrated, and critical man. Because you are an educated, eloquent, and energetic woman who is way above having to directly suffer for your father's illicit insecurities.

[Ruby Slippers]

Things are going well.

 

My mom loaned me a relatively small but not insignificant amount of money, with the understanding that there's no rush to pay it back. I offered to pay my dad some money for rent or utilities, and he wouldn't take it. I thanked him for letting me stay here rent-free for the time being, and said it's a huge help right now. I'm looking for a good deal on a reliable used car, and today he took the initiative to drive me to a place where he saw one he thought I might like. I don't think I can remember my dad ever doing something like this.

 

I had my mom- and dad-like friends over for Sunday dinner today, and he bragged a little about how smart I am and was as a kid. He told them a lot of stories about his glory days when he was making good money and we were a happy, loving family, when I was little.

 

All weekend in advance of this dinner, my mom dove into some major cleaning projects. I don't think the kitchen has been this clean and well-organized in 20 years. She's beginning to let go of all these things that she's been using to fill a void in her heart.

 

Last week I deep-cleaned the grill, which had sat unused for years. My mom grilled some absolutely delicious bone-in ribeye steaks for dinner that night.

 

I've been doing more personal things for my dad that he can't do because of his disabilities, things that require dexterity he no longer has, and he's been thanking me sincerely and amply.

 

I want to learn to build some simple pieces of furniture for myself - a glass-top desk and some shelves. My dad showed me where he has a few pieces of glass for tabletops in the utility room, and said I can use whatever I want. I cleaned up one of them and put it on top of a wood table for now. It already looks sharp. I had a huge glass-top desk in my house in Chicago, and this is a more modest version - but it accomplishes the same things and gives me the same good feeling.

 

Last week I was voted by my public speaking group best speaker of the night for the first short impromptu speech I gave. I was very nervous, but several people told me it didn't show at all. I was trying to use the nervousness and channel it into excitement, and I guess it worked. After the meeting, most of the people in the room were magnetized to me - especially the men I felt a huge wave of motivation to start putting together my pitch presentation for investors and/or a Kickstarter campaign, and am already dreaming about the content of the speech.

 

My mom-like friend told me that a friend she introduced me to recently asked if I have a boyfriend. I imagine it won't be too long before I start dating again. I'm ready for love

Edited August 25, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[Ruby Slippers]

My dad and I seem to have really turned a corner lately. He's been proactive about helping me out in various ways, and this is a side of him I haven't seen since I was a very small child.

 

He's ruminating aloud to me more often about mistakes he's made in life, things he wishes he'd done differently and things he wants to do differently now. I told him it's never too late. He told me the other day about a visionary dream he had for improving this house, something I've been gently encouraging them toward. I said, "Let's make it happen."

 

He's seeing an excellent new doctor who is helping him get off some of his many medications, and instructing him in how to get into healthier, natural habits and treatments. I'm helping him with these, because I have a fair amount of experience with natural healing, as I strongly prefer it over any kind of pharmaceutical treatment (unless absolutely necessary) and have studied quite a few modalities.

 

I was helping him with a sinus rinse today, and he studied himself in the mirror, and asked me to help him wash his face. He's slowly starting to take more care with himself again, which is a very positive development.

 

The other day, he apologized to me for an insensitive comment he made, and explained what he was trying to say. I gently said I understand, but I'm sensitive and respond better to praise and encouragement than criticism.

 

He's talking a little sweet to me and mom, something I don't think she's heard much of in a very long time. He took charge of helping me hang a mirror in my room today, I thanked him, and he said, "You're more than welcome." My mom and I helped him with a heavy-duty task the other day, and he said, "Thank you, ladies." He's always had the capacity to be charming, but in the past, he was rarely charming with us. But now he is. And I don't feel he's doing this for any selfish ends. I feel that he really wants to make amends in his last years.

 

This doctor said he's amazed he's still alive, given everything he's been through and all his health problems. My dad's almost 80, and is obviously a very strong person. Many doctors have said most people would have long ago given up.

 

For all their qualities which I viewed as faults over the years, my parents have some unique positive qualities. Both of them have a timeless, almost ageless quality about them. They both still work very hard, and don't spend much time sitting around. And now they both have more of the wisdom that comes with age, and they're seeing more of the big picture.

 

My mom is also evolving. Every day, she does many small things to make life easier for me. My computer that I use to run my business is almost 10 years old, and today, she offered to take out an 18-month interest-free loan for me to get a new computer for my business if I want to.

 

I'm surprised to report this, but lately I'm truly enjoying living with them. I just got two large new contracts, and I could afford to get my own place now. But I feel there's more important work to be done here, spiritual work, healing work, and I'm truly enjoying it, so I don't feel in any rush to do that.

 

This is an entirely new chapter in my life, an exciting and magical one. I'm more spiritually attuned than I've ever been, and most of the time now, it's as though I can see the positive energy I bring into any environment, the effect it has on everyone in the room.

 

I have a gift for lighting people up, and I've only just begun to use it. If I stay focused on developing this gift, I think I'll be able to light up many, many people in the not-distant future. And of course, it all starts within

 

I'm learning to play

. Edited August 29, 2014 by Ruby Slippers

[Ruby Slippers]

I had a fun day with an unlikely companion.

 

I was introduced to a new friend's brother, and we ended up spending about half the day together. We ran a couple of errands together, walked his dog through a really charming neighborhood, and then he showed me how to use this wood-burning tool he has while we listened to good music. He makes these intricate wood burnings and sometimes sells them. He's got a very interesting, earthy style about him.

 

He was totally flirting with me, but ever a gentleman. I feel very attracted to him physically, very drawn to him, but I'm not sure. He's super strong and manly, buff just from living life. He loves to mountain bike and is an outdoorsman. He seems like a very loyal rock-like sweetheart of a guy. He was being chivalrous and playful, really showing me a good time.

 

We're gonna go biking and he said he might show me how to fish tomorrow I've always wanted to try that. I tried it a couple of times as a kid, but had no idea what I was doing. He said he often catches fish and cooks them at home. That's always the best fish. Yum. And it's all hot and sticky right now, so will be a great day to enjoy the outdoors.

 

He gave me this huge bear hug when I left, practically picked me up. It was like being hugged by a barrel, and I loved it

 

I'm not sure I want to "go there" with this man - but we have a good energy between us and I think at the very least we can be good friends and fitness buddies.

[Ruby Slippers]

I have a new possible romantic prospect. He's a cute, friendly engineer in my speaking group. I was voted best speaker of the evening again last week, and after the meeting he and another guy were giving me pointers on getting ready for my first prepared speech.

 

I sometimes see him gazing at me dreamily during our meetings

 

He added me on LinkedIn (which I use sometimes for work) and Facebook (which I very rarely use).

 

Whether we end up being just friendly or more, it's exciting to have a solid prospect pop up on the radar. Gets me feisty about the possibilities

[Ruby Slippers]

Things are kinda eh lately. I've come to update this thread several times, but just gave up midstream because I feel blah. I've been battling a moderate cold for the past week, so that doesn't help.

 

For a while I was really struggling with my dad's occasional angry outbursts, to the point that I looked at a house to rent for myself. It wasn't the right place, and after calming down a little, I realized it's probably best in the big picture if I stay here at least a little while longer so I can continue to save money. One of the few things that's cheered me up lately is browsing for my own place to live. But I'm not going to rush that. I want to find the right place at a good price. I have open invitations from a couple of friends (in other cities) to stay with them if I need to, but I think I would only resort to that if I felt all other avenues were truly dead-end.

 

I've realized that my dad is mentally unwell, and has been for years. That makes his behavior less hurtful, in a way, but it's another tough pill to swallow. I don't think he realizes how much anger and bitterness he projects, but I can see him making an effort to be nice, to reach out proactively and do little positive things. It's pretty remarkable coming from him. I'm learning what his triggers are, and I just go away when he seems to be getting riled up.

 

He's working with his good doctor to get off his antidepressant completely. He initiated this change himself, and now he's being more assertive about not wanting to take any medications that aren't truly necessary. He said he feels as though he's starting to think much more clearly and his memory is improving. But he's experiencing mood swings, having trouble sleeping.

 

My business has been relatively stagnant since I got here, and I know that's tied to my mood and motivation level, so I'm starting to consider a more traditional job again. I'm thinking about all possibilities, even going back to school in a lucrative field. I continue to struggle with burnout because I work all the time. The fact is that while I'm still making 6 figures in revenue, I pay little of that to myself, as I keep reinvesting it back into the business. So I could make the same salary or even more in a potentially much easier and less time-consuming job. I try to remind myself that all the skills I've used to build up this business haven't gone anywhere. In fact, I'm smarter and wiser now.

 

I've been struggling with motivation lately, even having some mild depressive symptoms. Both of my parents admit they are depressed and have been for years, and the signs of that are all around them in the house, the friends they keep, and so on. I feel like it's rubbing off on me, but I know I have to fight this. My goal right now is to save up enough that I can make a stable transition to getting my own place again. I'll still help them in some ways, but I think I'll do better overall living on my own.

 

One bright spot is that a couple of weeks ago, I gave my first prepared speech to my group, to rave reviews. My main evaluator said that in certain respects, I surpassed anyone she's evaluated since she started 8 years ago! She said I have amazing stage presence, and when I can get in the zone where I've put aside self-doubt and fear, I feel that, too. So that was encouraging.

 

I haven't done much dating in the past year, and I'm starting to miss it. But I don't feel like I'm in the best frame of mind for dating right now. I think I'll feel ready for that once I have my own place.

 

When I'm feeling especially weak, I wonder why I didn't just stay with my ex, who offered to "take care of me", and I know would have done that well in the practical sense. But I'm glad I didn't take the easy path and settle for a practical arrangement. Even though it's hard now and I'm struggling at times, at least my self and my soul are intact and I haven't sold myself out.

 

As for the purpose of this thread, I think the resolution here is simply accepting what I've always known: To put it nicely, my dad is very... limited... in what he can offer as a dad. He's saddled with his own demons, and realistically, I don't see him defeating those in this lifetime. What I have with him now is about the best it will ever be: he offers the very limited support he can, I express thanks and reciprocate where I can, and other than that we stay out of each other's way.

 

Lately I'm focusing more on the spiritual angle: Some people just don't get a nice, supportive family, and we just have to be the best people we can be in spite of it. That's my lot, and I can whine about it or make the best of it. I whine internally when I'm weak, but I usually find a way to get strong again eventually.

[Ruby Slippers]

Though I don't feel totally ready, I decided it would be a good idea to take the leap, so I threw up a dating profile last night.

 

I've gotten lots of messages from quality guys in less than 24 hours, am chatting with a few, and already have two phone calls planned for this evening! Clearly the singles ratio is working in my favor here, and I'm more appealing to Southern than Northern men. Not that surprising, since at heart I'm more of a country girl than a city girl.

 

The difference is pretty profound, though. Of dozens of messages, I haven't gotten ONE salacious or insinuating message yet. In the big city, the messages were 80% smutty. And there's really not much different about my presentation. The men here seem much more gentlemanly and sweet. And I love that so many of them are very masculine and rugged, as opposed to polished and kind of foppish, as city boys can be.

 

I'm kind of worrying about how I'm going to date while living with my parents (lol), and how I'm going to talk about my very weird family to new prospects. But I'll just take it as it comes. I suppose the right guy for me won't hold these things against me.

 

In any case, the conversations are fun and the idea of meeting a good guy for me is exciting

[Ruby Slippers]

I didn't take me long to become disenchanted with online dating again - one day! So many flaky people.

 

But I won best impromptu speaker again tonight, even though I totally froze up in the middle of my speech trying to figure out how to incorporate the word of the day. I later explained what happened, and everyone in the group was supportive and encouraging. I was surprised that I was voted the winner after that fumble, but then I realized that the rest of the speech was pretty good. Lately I'm realizing how hard on myself I am and always have been. Now I know exactly where that comes from - it's the voice of my dad that's been echoing through me for decades. But I'm starting to get it.

 

He's been nice lately, asking little questions about how I'm doing.

 

I'm feeling better now, but I'm also just getting tired of how antisocial and self-defeating I can be. I'm realizing that we all are whoever we are. We can adjust that somewhat. With tremendous effort, one can truly reinvent oneself. But the core struggles are always the same, essentially.

 

I received a piece of junk mail the other day at this address addressed to my ex-boyfriend from... 10 years ago! That was very weird. I have no idea how they associated him with this address. Pretty creepy, actually. And it's really weird because I've been thinking about him lately, how he was so good to me, the most stable and supportive boyfriend I've had, and the one I was with the longest. He said some truly awful things to me at the end, and that's history. But it was really weird to see his name printed out with my address on the piece of mail. I'm reviewing in my mind all the relationships I left behind, wondering why I couldn't make do with any of them. But I made those decisions and they're behind me now.

 

I've had very low motivation to reach out to anyone since I got here. An old friend of mine from school bumped into my mom at the store and gave her her number. This was weeks ago, and I still haven't called her. I just haven't wanted to.

 

But this is my pattern. I retreat into my shell to do some major reflecting, and then once I finally get ready, I explode outward again into a new phase. But this time I don't intend to retreat for as long as I have in the past. I don't feel that I have time for that.

[turnera]

Sounds like you need to set up a plan for yourself. To control those anti-social tendencies. Like, I will try one new restaurant every week. Or I will attend one meetup a month. Or I will volunteer 2 hours a week. See what happens.

[Ruby Slippers]

You're right, turnera! I'm working on it.

 

Today I went on my first date from OLD. It was OK, but no romantic connection. He misrepresented himself by posting old pictures when he looked to be about 50 pounds lighter. I was going to say something, but felt it was kinder not to. He was definitely too overweight for me to find him sexually attractive, but even if he were fit, I doubt we'd be a match.

 

He's smart, funny, seems like a good guy, but I just didn't feel we're on the same wavelength in terms of interests and communication style. Also, I was turned off by the way he mostly waited for me to lead the progression of the time we spent together. I'm fine doing that sometimes, but don't like to be in the driver's seat all the time.

 

He mentioned he's working on losing weight and needs to update his profile with recent pictures. I was kind about it, but said that would be a good idea and encouraged him in a positive way to work toward that goal. He's a good guy, and I gave him a big hug at the end. He kissed me on the cheek. I think he could tell that I wasn't interested - and maybe he wasn't, either, because I didn't hear from him for the rest of the day.

 

I would hang out with him as friends, but I'm fine if he doesn't go for that.

 

It was fun to dress up all girlie and pull out all the stops for the date. We had fun, and doing some totally new things got me pumped to do more exploring. Today was so much more fun than my days sitting at home working and worrying have been lately. After the date, I went shopping and got a cute new top. I wasn't really in a shopping mood, but am going to spend a little bit of money soon on some cute date clothes - I think it will be worth it

 

Tomorrow I'm going to try to get up early and visit this non-denominational spiritual center that's intriguing me. I'm sure I'll meet some cool people there. I might go bike riding with this new guy I'm getting to know in my neighborhood. There's no relationship potential with him, but he seems happy to hang out as friends. Another OLD guy asked me out for tomorrow, but last minute, so I declined and suggested a later day.

 

I'm getting a LOT of messages on the site, and from guys who increasingly seem more on my wavelength.

 

I've been browsing affordable, cool places to live and am considering taking that leap soon - but I might wait till I get another big contract or a side gig to amp up the money flow.

 

My mojo is rising, tide is rolling back in. I'm ready for some fun and new inspiration

[hope2014]

Ruby, I can't tell you how much I can relate to your post. I had an alcoholic father and an angry, depressed mother and they never changed, never became anything but what they are, and I went NC with them years ago because I finally figured out that I can't fix other people's brokenness when they dont even have the insight to acknowledge it.

I think I regret the missing childhood most of all, where I didn't get one, the family, the idea of the father and mother that actually wanted me and loved me, not the platitudes or words, but the actual feelings of being joyful that I existed as a little boy. I was an emancipated minor as soon as I knew I could be one and I never looked back, only making sure that I knew they had nothing to do with the quality of life I get to have. They don't get my joy, they don't get my empathy or one moment more of my life.

 

I understand we all deal with things differently and it seems though your father is a complete dud, he at least is seeing that maybe he missed an opportunity with you and maybe he knows that he is dying and wants to make amends. I always encourage people to follow their hearts because regret after someone passes can feel pretty helpless. There are boundaries I would place before hand though.

 

1. Make sure you feel safe and emotionally strong, not letting yourself revert to childhood Ruby but maintaining in your head that this conversation is for you and your healing. If he isn't receptive or if he can't give you what you want, you walk out of the room knowing that you did your best and made the effort and so your part was accomplished. You said what you needed to say to release this man's hold over your life.

 

2. You have the power on your own to release him if you have any doubts that this won't go well. You just have to believe that you are enough just as you are without his love or approval because really being a sperm donor isn't really that big of a contribution in life so he may just be a lost cause. It isn't your responsibility, Ruby, to try to make him the man he needed to be and especially not your responsibility to make him see what kind of father he should be. Some people can't because they are broken, some because they are weak and some because they don't have enough compassion or love inside of them to do anything but rage and loathe.

 

There is nothing worse than knowing your potential was never nurtured, but from your posts I know that you still have all that great potential and have became a remarkable and wonderful woman. You don't need his blessing, his validation to live the life you deserve, the one you can still cultivate through your own intelligence and moxie. Don't let him steal one opportunity from you or one brave move towards your dreams.

 

My best revenge and best healing came from the moments when I ignored his voice and his disparagement of me and did the things I thought I couldn't do. I had my first college degree by the time I was nineteen though he said I was too dumb to move rocks, too stupid for anyone to take seriously, too idiotic for the real world. I have added to that list over the years, traveled the world, joined Peace Corps, retired from the military at the top of the enlistment hierarchy and married the most amazing girl in the world where we adopted three of the brightest and best humans that ever lived.

 

My father, well he sits in a hollow spitting tobacco off a porch collecting cans so he can drink all night. My mother is an angry bitter woman who has more health issues than fifty five elderly people out together. They are unhappy and alone ....just as they structured their lives from their actions.

 

Life is what we make of it. You get to make it whatever you want regardless of your parents lack of contribution except for negativity and sadness.

I believe in forgiveness, but I also believe that forgiveness is for you. You deserve to be free of this weight in your heart. We don't get to pick our parents but we do get to pick who we are and what we want.

 

Have the conversation, but don't expect a man that broken to give you much of what you need. Unfortunately we have to provide it all to ourselves and then learn how to provide it to our children. My deepest desire is that I am a good father to my children, that I have given them exactly what they need to have a great well rounded life. Because at the end of the day I can't change the drunk sitting on the porch, but I can absolutely make sure I am never like him.

It pains me that your father doesn't get the amazing person you are,

Grumps

 

P.S. Sorry for the lengthy post.

 

Well- said!