How to create spark ?

[Els]

Hmm, true that. The real issue for me is how I could pick out those types in a crowd. For one it would require me getting to know them much better than a few back and forth messages and then arranging a date lol.

I LOVE dry humour, in real life it's practically all I utter. xD

 

Well, don't you date any women from your social circles, or introduced to you by mutual friends? Or are all your dates cold approaches in crowds?

 

To be honest women who agree to a date from a cold approach are not generally going to be the traditional sort IMO (obviously, doesn't apply to all).

[irc333]

I agree, you cannot "create spark", believe it or not there are some people who have written books and made money about "creating a spark" or "Creating attraction" but it's only a bunch of BS to get sales, nothing more. lol

 

Either she likes you or she doesn't or perhaps in the case of the poster...she found someone better for the night she cancelled for your date.

 

Probably a nice way of saying she wasn't all that attracted to you.

 

I don't think there's a way to "create" that spark and it's not specific to online dating. Its common to human interaction. Whether you meet in a library, bar, grocery store, school or work......you're either attracted to a person or you aren't.

 

However, OLD has that one quirk where you can feel a sense of attraction before you meet and then no chemistry in person.

[Teraskas]

Well, don't you date any women from your social circles, or introduced to you by mutual friends? Or are all your dates cold approaches in crowds?

 

To be honest women who agree to a date from a cold approach are not generally going to be the traditional sort IMO (obviously, doesn't apply to all).

 

Heh, I wish it was that easy. :/

Unfortunately my social circle consisting of friends is quite small.

Due to the transition from Secondary Education to College, I lost contact with all of my friends.

They either went to different countries to study and several even died during those years. :S

 

Anyway, that said my current social circle consists of people I've met in those 5 years of University.

In the past we used to meet up, but sadly all that has changed. Currently 4 out of 5 already have GFs and don't bother to meet up anymore.

I occasionally go out with the 5th guy for a beer and such but we both agreed that to "them" we're nothing but a 3rd of 5th wheel on their wagon.

To make matters worse, he doesn't have single female friends either.

 

All the dates I've been on have been either from OLD or from approaching people at school which I didn't know at all and gradually got to know them.

As for meeting women based on my hobbies, that isn't going to be successful either: I go to the gym around 3 times a week and sometimes start chatting with women only to be frequently met with the "I already have a boyfriend" line.

Other than that, there's the air rifle shooting club which I attend twice per week.

Only one girl there in my age range, around 25 or so (I'm 22) who I'm talking to atm who's interested in going on a date with me soon.

So yeah, as I said if this last one backfires, I have absolutely no idea where to look.

 

Oh, forgot to add: I have recently started with WWII reenactment. (Going to my 1st 'real' gathering in Uniform on the 28th.)

I dunno if there are going to be many women there, because I think it's a primarily male dominated hobby.

[PegNosePete]

I agree, you cannot "create spark"

Of course you can. Why do you think she feels it with one person but not with another? What is the difference between these two people? It must be (a) looks or (b) actions. Your looks you can't change beyond superficial changes and as stated many times looks are only a small factor in female attraction. Your actions, words, mannerisms, body language... you CAN change. That is how you create spark.

[iris219]

Of course you can. Why do you think she feels it with one person but not with another? What is the difference between these two people? It must be (a) looks or (b) actions. Your looks you can't change beyond superficial changes and as stated many times looks are only a small factor in female attraction. Your actions, words, mannerisms, body language... you CAN change. That is how you create spark.

 

You'd have to be a really good actor to create spark and even then I'm not sure it can be done.

 

Spark isn't about how you look or your conversational skills. You can make yourself a more interesting, confident person, but that doesn't mean every woman will feel a spark with you.

 

Spark is about how someone moves, their facial expressions, hand movement, smell, tone of voice, and other unconscious things. It's something that draws you to the other person, that something you can't really explain.

 

I do agree that if you're super awkward with nothing to talk about it will be more difficult to get women interested, but there's no guarantee that being a cute, cool guy will create spark either. I'm sure every woman here has gone out with a guy at least once and thought he was perfect--for someone else.

[PegNosePete]

Spark is about how someone moves, their facial expressions, hand movement, smell, tone of voice, and other unconscious things. It's something that draws you to the other person, that something you can't really explain.

Well you just did explain it perfectly

 

Yes exactly, all those things. They are things you CAN change. I don't mean by acting, I mean by genuinely changing, becoming someone who is an attractive man. In fact most of them will come as a natural side effect of increased confidence and self-worth. I know it can be done because I've done it. When I first started OLD I was repeatedly given the "no spark" line by women I'd met. After a while it was me who was giving it out to them. My current gf described me as a huge flirt on our 2nd date. If you told me 5 years ago that someone would describe me like that, I would never have believed you, it was so far from the truth. But when she said that I thought about my body language, facial expressions etc and she was right; not only have I become quite good at creating a spark, it's also totally natural for me now.

 

Sure you'll never create a spark with all of the women all of the time but with effort and practice you can get a much better hit ratio. It's not just luck (although obviously luck is a factor).

 

I'm sure every woman here has gone out with a guy at least once and thought he was perfect--for someone else.

Bah yes that old chestnut, it just means he has good qualities but just not an attractive man in practice.

Edited June 20, 2014 by PegNosePete

[irc333]

She probably felt it with one person and not the other because he was more her personality type. Similar interests, value system, humor, traits that already make up that person.

 

 

 

I coin the phrase "Just be yourself"...if she's attracted to that then that's what matters.

 

 

Of course you can. Why do you think she feels it with one person but not with another? What is the difference between these two people? It must be (a) looks or (b) actions. Your looks you can't change beyond superficial changes and as stated many times looks are only a small factor in female attraction. Your actions, words, mannerisms, body language... you CAN change. That is how you create spark.

[PegNosePete]

Well, whatever you choose to believe.

 

"It's not me it's her"

 

OK....... good luck.

[irc333]

It's neither. It's about how you click personalitywise. If a person is not attracted, there is not much you can do to change that.

 

For instance. ..There was this woman I met at a social event....introduced myself. ..and I could tell by how short she was with me that she was not interested in engaging with me....I didn't stick around too long and wished her a good time at the party.....I then moved on ti more people that would be more talkative.

 

Well, whatever you choose to believe.

 

"It's not me it's her"

 

OK....... good luck.

[PegNosePete]

If a person is not attracted, there is not much you can do to change that.

Rubbish! Attraction doesn't just happen. You make yourself attractive or unattractive. She is attracted to you based on your body language, movements, tone of voice etc. Those are things which you control. Therefore you can do everything to change that.

 

But I don't think you're going to get it, no matter how many times I explain it. You're entrenched in your belief that events are out of your control. Sigh...

[Targetlock]

but first impressions can be such an important thing in this as well i find.

[Imported]

I think "spark" is about how you look and/or your conversational skills. I know I said you can create it and what I say next sounds contradictory, but it's not. There has to be physical attraction there to begin with. She has to be able to look at you and imagine sex with you. You cannot be totally sexually unappealing to her.

 

Rosanne Barr. Can she ever create "spark" with you?

 

Some girl you think is attractive decent looking that you weren't really thinking anything about beyond that she is decent looking (and you weren't really thinking that, it just registers in your brain). Can she create spark with you?

 

You might think, 'well, if you're sexually appealing to her than you should have no problem getting with her'. Yeah, pretty much. Well, some problems. Maybe even a lot of problems...but it is doable if you are motivated. Except for when it's not doable even if you're motivated.

 

There are lots of girls out there that although they can think you are attractive, have no inclination to get with you. These are the ones I am talking about creating "spark" with when there was no "spark" there.

 

 

My scuba diving instructor. She was very pretty and an English girl. She was also older than me by @7 years and treated me like a little kid at first. I was @22. I didn't know what I was doing, I just did it naturally. I liked her, I really did. I loved hearing her talk. Every time she told me more about herself, I listened. I was always supportive, what she said always interested me. I wasn't always in agreement, but I was always on her side. Smiling? I couldn't stop smiling around her if I tried. Every conversation I had with her, I lost track of time. She would laugh at me, because I was constantly genuinely surprised that so much time had passed. I know she wasn't really thinking about me in that way at first, but after two days...she was. She suggested I should ask her out. I did. It was a really good time in my life, I wish I coulda stayed. If I was the person I am now, I would have. I would have made that happen. All the other things I thought was important, turns out...it wasn't really that important. Some A-holes created a house of cards for their own purposes and presented a carrot for me to chase and I chased the carrot.

 

But what did I learn and how did I apply it to other women?

 

Look, people are looking for other people that are on their side. That they trust and know. So you need to open up to them. Show them who you are and be accepting of who they are. It is really that simple. There are many ways to go about it. You need to find what works for you, but it is basically that simple.

 

I think the problem with some guys is they are too defensive and reserved. They are more concerned about not looking weak and they hold back. They think a girl is playing games and the girl might be....I dunno...but someone needs to put their cards down on the table and it's probably going to have to be you. This is me, this is who I am and I like who I am and will probably like who you are. They need to feel that.

[irc333]

Like the woman I'm seeing tonight. ... She liked me regardless. I did nothing to change my behavior to get her attracted to me. I was my usual self

[preraph]

I agree everyone should work on improving themselves in every way to become their best. However, if you took a guy and he learned to be a good actor plus got himself styled and took voice lessons to learn to talk well and did everything and lined him up in front of 20 women, only a few of those women would still feel anything for him. We can improve ourselves, but since every woman is different, there is no universal change we can make that will create spark with them all.

 

While most woman may like a short-haired guy in a suit and tie driving a BMW, there was no time in my life I wouldn't have quickly glanced past him at a more hip looking artistic oriented guy. While some women may love a take-charge guy who squires them about town making all the plans for her, I would quickly put the brakes on and want to have equal input. Every woman is different what sets off the spark.

[irc333]

I agree everyone should work on improving themselves in every way to become their best. However, if you took a guy and he learned to be a good actor plus got himself styled and took voice lessons to learn to talk well and did everything and lined him up in front of 20 women, only a few of those women would still feel anything for him. We can improve ourselves, but since every woman is different, there is no universal change we can make that will create spark with them all.

 

That's so eloquently put, Preraph,

 

Of course, if you stink of body or don't bathe regularly, and you are repulsing women (or people in general), you could start showering daily and put on deodorant, and there's an example of improvement.

 

Or stop burping aloud after dinner on your first dates and stop wondering "How come I only have a bunch of FIRST dates?" LOL

 

Those go without saying, but that's an extreme example.

 

But anyhow, to play off this post, that's like when someone pays a few hundred dollars to see a motivational speaker. If you take an idiot, put him in a motivational speaker class.....you'll just wind up with a motivated idiot. LOL

 

But like you said since all women are different, let's say you do change up your technique or whatever "method" you'd like to call it in order to "create a spark." Well, what you did to make that change may not attract the women depending WHO you approach. What may work on one woman, may not work on the next....so you might as well stick with "being yourself." and hope that someone likes you for who YOU are.

 

Makes sense, right? :-)

[preraph]

^ Yes, it does makes sense. That's why everyone says it's best to just be yourself, but your best self, which should be a work in progress. Of course, it's very important to take care of the basics like looking the best you can and are willing to maintain, being clean. Anyone who doesn't maintain the basics will have a tough time getting through life, getting jobs, etc.

 

That's so true about motivational speakers. In the eighties, some of my coworkers went to some motivational seminar and they all came back very hard to deal with for awhile. All fakey, smiley and obnoxious.

 

I say everyone should be the best they can be and keep working at it and finding activities to do to expand themselves, because interesting productive people enjoying life are usually attractive to others. You can't sit in a room all day playing videogames and expect to be interesting to anyone but someone who only does the same thing.

[GemmaUK]

^ Yes, it does makes sense. That's why everyone says it's best to just be yourself, but your best self, which should be a work in progress. Of course, it's very important to take care of the basics like looking the best you can and are willing to maintain, being clean. Anyone who doesn't maintain the basics will have a tough time getting through life, getting jobs, etc.

 

That's so true about motivational speakers. In the eighties, some of my coworkers went to some motivational seminar and they all came back very hard to deal with for awhile. All fakey, smiley and obnoxious.

 

I say everyone should be the best they can be and keep working at it and finding activities to do to expand themselves, because interesting productive people enjoying life are usually attractive to others. You can't sit in a room all day playing videogames and expect to be interesting to anyone but someone who only does the same thing.

 

Part of the problem is that 'be yourself' has been drummed in to any men who ask how to be/act.

 

They aren't aware this ,means 'best self' and they aren't aware that should be the norm.

So so many women I know be their 'best selves' almost 100% of the time yet many men I know reserve 'best self' for the first one two or three dates only.

[irc333]

Part of the problem is that 'be yourself' has been drummed in to any men who ask how to be/act.

 

They aren't aware this ,means 'best self' and they aren't aware that should be the norm.

So so many women I know be their 'best selves' almost 100% of the time yet many men I know reserve 'best self' for the first one two or three dates only.

 

I'm not sure what you mean how is it that women are almost "100%" their "best" self and men are not. Sounds like a generalization.

 

Regardless, one can attract women by just being their selves or their "best" selves or whatever you want to call it. But that's left up to interpretation. How do you define what is someone's "Best" selves vs. just their selves?

 

Are you saying it's not possible to attract women by being yourself, but by being your BEST self?

 

What would you say being your "worst" self?

 

That's like when someone wishes you "Good luck" and someone responds with "There's no such thing as good luck, just luck". *shrug* It's as if someone's mincing words here.

Edited June 21, 2014 by irc333

[GemmaUK]

I'm not sure what you mean how is it that women are almost "100%" their "best" self and men are not. Sounds like a generalization.

 

Regardless, one can attract women by just being their selves or their "best" selves or whatever you want to call it. But that's left up to interpretation. How do you define what is someone's "Best" selves vs. just their selves?

 

Are you saying it's not possible to attract women by being yourself, but by being your BEST self?

 

What would you say being your "worst" self?

 

That's like when someone wishes you "Good luck" and someone responds with "There's no such thing as good luck, just luck". *shrug* It's as if someone's mincing words here.

 

See Perpaph's post which I quoted in my post above.

It explains 'best self'

[irc333]

See Perpaph's post which I quoted in my post above.

It explains 'best self'

 

Hm, well, in my situation, when I attracted a woman I wasn't necessarily my "best self". *shrug* Sometimes there are times in people's lives when they aren't at their best, but yet can still attract people. But it depends on said people, perhaps they are okay with that, too.