BRUBIRD Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 My wife and I have been seeing a marriage counselor. This is a Christian based counselor. We have been married for 30 years and have 3 children. To the outside world we are the perfect family unit. I am a recovering alcoholic sober 8 years this fall. Over the last few years my wife and I have grown apart. She has become an armchair psychiatrist and diagnosed me with various disorders by reading books and getting "body code" readings etc. I think we are at a point in our life where it just doesn't work anymore and separation or divorce is very realistic. This counselor wants me to take a polygraph test to gain my wifes full trust. I looked at the areas of questioning for the test and it ranges from infidelity to complete sexual history. I have never been physically unfaithful, I have however viewed pornography. My wife is sexually cold and uninterested. It's been a struggle in our relationship since children. I have accepted this and just kept it together for the sake of the marriage and the kids. There have been good times and I have been a very good provider. She has never had to work. My question is if I go through with this polygraph and we end up getting a divorce, will I have opened myself up to complications? Is this something anyone else has gone through? HELP Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 What kind of complications? Polygraphs aren't generally admissiable. A divorce court will look at the best interests of the children to determine custody. The fact you looked at porn doesn't make you an unfit father (unless it was kiddie porn or you showed the images to your children) You may also be able to negotiate a writing whereby both parties agree the results of the polygraph are inadmissable no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 I've never done a polygraph, nor would I in most conceivable circumstances. If your marriage is in as much of a mess as it sounds, I would end it, and NOT do a polygraph which could make things more awkward. You didn't commit infidelity, porn is no big issue (and certainly not a factor for spousal support in divorce), but why give her any ammunition? And is SHE going to take a polygraph too, with questions about emotional or physical infidelity, etc.? If not, why not? Anyway, best not to go there, or let her go first, and then change your mind and not do one. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BRUBIRD Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Children are no longer an issue. They are all over 21. There has never been child pornography. I just don't know what this is going to accomplish. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 . I just don't know what this is going to accomplish. Neither do I but if your wife really wants this & it has some potential to keep your marriage together and you want to do that, isn't it better to try? I do agree with the suggestion that she take one too. I'd get somebody to ask her whether she realizes her lack of affection toward you has had a negative impact on the marriage. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 We all have to draw lines that we're comfortable with. This would be outside my lines. Perhaps my objection is more visceral than intellectual. I would never ask my wife, who I hypothetically suspected of cheating, to take a polygraph, despite the advice you often see on boards like this. I'd divorce her first. Likewise, I'm not going to subject myself to a polygraph, ever. In my view, it's overly intrusive and demeaning. Now, maybe you don't object as strongly, but if you're not inclined to be polygraphed, and you reasonably feel that the marriage has run it's course anyways, I'd advise that you politely decline. It may be worth exploring, if you haven't done so already, what specifically your wife suspects you of and why. I'd do it in front of the MC, though. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 I have an instinct the polygraph might be more instructive if used on your wife. Here's a word - obfuscation Life is short man. You'll get no rewards at the end for doing the right thing. I'd file and let that be the polygraph result. Truth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Well, I'd say being married to an amateur armchair shrink is a big part of your problem. (a little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing.) Do you ever feel emotionally or intellectually abused? A polygraph can be a weapon....I'm a little bit astonished that you do not find its intrusiveness an outrage. Big shout out for 8 years sober! As to trust: We don't "gain" a damned thing ever, outside of our own human mortality. That should be a given. No gadget, toy or man-invented technological marvel will ever guarantee the things our own hearts, minds and souls provide. Will your wife suddenly smile upon you the innocent trust of a sweet child the moment some scientific measurement supposedly gives you its dispassionate nod of approval? I'm more inclined to think that the thing is an instrument of punishment. If you have a marriage still worth saving, I don't think this approach will save it. Your wife has never had to work. Yet she analyzes you without experience of the world. And perhaps tolerance and humility to go along with it. I repeat: Your privacy should not be "surveyed." Your dignity and inner workings are sacred and belong to you. You are not on trial here. You are not incorrect or impure any more than anyone else. To be so accosted is hypocrisy of the first order. These toys appeal to the inner bully in all of us, perhaps........... But a strong moral code fights the urge. And so we ask direct questions and expect honest answers. And after 30 years of marriage, OP - I'd say you deserve a little more respect from a woman you have been a faithful provider to, for all of that time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 I agree with Gorilla Theater and little planet completely, and only have a few sentences of encouragement to add. When a polygraph has to be used in a marriage, the fight is over and the only thing left is using it as a tool to wound or destroy you. You have been a good provider, been sober for eight years which is a major accomplishment and suffered through an terrible sex life and armchair psychology meant to belittle you. You have had enough, this horse is dead and there is absolutely no need for anyone to kick it again. We get one life on this planet so you need to think about how you want to live out the rest of yours. Marriage is a beautiful agreement when both parties are kind and responsible, yet when nastiness and judgment and suspicion gets involved, the agreement part of it is already broken if one party absolutely blames the other person solely for the state of affairs. I see no point in a poly, Grumps 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Life is short man. You'll get no rewards at the end for doing the right thing. No kidding! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 I have never been physically unfaithful, I have however viewed pornography. My wife is sexually cold and uninterested. Heck, were it me I'd tell her what I'd been doing. Hate to have her think you're as cold as she is... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author BRUBIRD Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Looks like the general consensus is my feelings also. There is nothing guaranteed that anything will change. I always try to keep in mind that I caused issues when I was drinking albeit never physical, just getting tight at inappropriate times. Never the less I am an alcoholic and have made my amends. There is nothing saying anyone has to forgive me, but I cleaned up my side of the street. It's just tough. It's 30 years with grown kids that just aren't going to believe we could go through with this. I'm doing some real sole searching. Thanks for all your help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Looks like the general consensus is my feelings also. There is nothing guaranteed that anything will change. I always try to keep in mind that I caused issues when I was drinking albeit never physical, just getting tight at inappropriate times. Never the less I am an alcoholic and have made my amends. There is nothing saying anyone has to forgive me, but I cleaned up my side of the street. It's just tough. It's 30 years with grown kids that just aren't going to believe we could go through with this. I'm doing some real sole searching. Thanks for all your help. I don't know if that was a goodbye, but I hope you post more. I'm interested in how your journey progresses.There are several of us who've been married a long time and have been through a grinder of one sort or another. I've been married 30 years myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 when my fifteen year relationship ended i was automatically entrusted with the children, i have never asked for a polygraph to take to court(never been to court) and i allow the father access at any time, i even help pay for the plane fares......i dont see the point honestly...if trust is that far gone then what becomes more important is the welfare of the children who need their dad in their lives.....i was my own polygraph machine that didnt need to read stats on a piece of paper when we split..i read him that was enough.. i really do feel it doesnt have validity to gain trust when she doesnt want to trust you.....she has to warm up a bit for kids who have cold disinterested parents are often left wanting affection and they need two parents...follow your heart....as it seems she is not...which should be all about love for her children and what is best for them..knock down drag out court cases are not good for chidldren to be a part of....if it can be avoided that is in the childs best interest....my ex didnt even try to take me to court.....we couldnt see any benefits, where we were mature enough to work it out ourselves without wasting courts time or breaking our girls hearts by vicious unnecesary backlashes to discredit each other ............thats only my opinion though 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 BRUBIRD I get the feeling your wife has enjoyed shining the spot-light on you and your issues and making so-called self diagnoisis. I wonder how she would feel if someone were to do the same to her? I mean come on, of course you aren't perfect. We all have issues and have done things that we aren't proud of. What happened to those vows that she took for better or for worse? I also agree, if it's fair for you to take a polygraph, she should take one as well! Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Is the wife licensed to practice medicine and give out diagnosis? Fire the counselor. This method being suggested is counter productive for what you are there for. Make peace with your life, and live the rest of it without this side tracked drama. you seem like you deserve a bit more respect then what the wife and counselor are granting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 My wife and I have been seeing a marriage counselor. This is a Christian based counselor. This counselor wants me to take a polygraph test to gain my wifes full trust. for starters this "counselor" is a quack. If you really want to give counseling an honest effort, find an actual licensed therapist trained and licensed in actual western, evidence-based therapy. But on more practical terms, you don't mention anything here about your wife not trusting you or thinking that you are lying or being deceitful about anything. She may think your crazy and have problems but does she think you are lying about anything?????? A polygraph only picks up potential deception, it doesn't clear anyone of being crazy. In fact crazy people pass polygraphs with flying colors because they don't react physiologically to their deceptions. If they are crazy enough, they believe what they are saying so a polygraph is a useless instrument in this case. But lets get a little serious here. your issues are that you and your wife have lost connection and she has lost attraction and desire for you. Nothing you've said indicates that any kind of lies or deceptions have lead to that so a polygraph is simply ridiculous. She'll find out you haven't cheated and that you like some porn. Big deal, she wasn't attracted to you before she found that out and she won't be attracted to you afterwards either. it was all just wasted breath, time and money. Two options here - one is find a real marital therapist and see if there is anything that can be done to help you two reconnect and get her attraction and desire for you back. maybe there is maybe there isn't. If there isn't a legitimate secular therapist will help you separate and move on with the least amount of chaos and baggage as possible, whereas A Christian based "counselor" will try to keep you two legally married no matter how miserable and broken you are. Your other option is to just cut your losses and move on as cheaply, quickly and efficiently as possible and get started on your new life as quickly and efficiently as possible. If you've been married for 30 years I am going to assume that your children are at minimum of teenaged years if not actual adults. It's not like staying together "for the children" is really a valid excuse for misery in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Neither do I but if your wife really wants this & it has some potential to keep your marriage together and you want to do that, isn't it better to try? . I don't see where it was her asking for the polygraph. It was the "counselors" idea. Nothing he has said indicates that she has any questions of his truthfulness or if she even really cares if he's telling the truth on anything or not. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 . It's 30 years with grown kids that just aren't going to believe we could go through with this. I'm doing some real sole searching. Let's give the kids a little more credit here. These are adults and not babies/toddlers that need 24/7 hands on care for their very survival and well being. They aren't fools and they aren't naïve. They know that you two are miserable deep down and they want what's best for you. I'd bet my last dollar that when you tell them of the upcoming divorce, at least one of them is going to ask what took you so long. As long as you two separate in a fair and equitable manner and no one is trying to screw the other one over and both of you try to keep it as fair and amicable as possible. The kids are going to be supportive. As long as you two parents play fair, their biggest hardship is going to balancing out how they are going to see both of you for Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Looks like the general consensus is my feelings also. There is nothing guaranteed that anything will change. I always try to keep in mind that I caused issues when I was drinking albeit never physical, just getting tight at inappropriate times. Never the less I am an alcoholic and have made my amends. There is nothing saying anyone has to forgive me, but I cleaned up my side of the street. It's just tough. It's 30 years with grown kids that just aren't going to believe we could go through with this. I'm doing some real sole searching. Thanks for all your help. How about doing SOUL searching instead of the kind on the bottom of your feet. What do you intend the outcome to be - what's your goal? Link to post Share on other sites
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