My wife's old bf, facebook and texts

[Williewonka9]

Long story, I'll try to be concise.

Wife and I have been married for 10+ years.

I was called away on business for a week and came home to discover she had "reconnected" with an old boyfriend from her late teens. 400+ texts and unknown number of facebook messages had passed between them in the time I was gone. When confronted about it she insisted nothing "scandalous" was exchanged, they were only "catching up on life".

This has gone on and off for about 3 years, they have attempted to be sneaky with their electronic communications. Every

time I found out about it and asked what was going on there were a lot of tears, "repentance" and statements that "it's over". I've asked repeatedly what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change so these things stop. She always says their is nothing wrong.

I'm struggling, I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel emotionally detached from her. She says I'm the only one but would still keep talking to him even after he would refer to me in terms of "that a**hole husband of yours" etc. (he's never met me) She would always deny that it was an EA but then the next time that it would be "over" her words would incriminate her.

Maybe I shouldn't post this when I feel so raw and vulnerable. I don't really understand any of this. Any good advice or thoughts?

Edited June 18, 2014 by Williewonka9

[PegNosePete]

they have attempted to be sneaky with their electronic communications. Every time I found out about it and asked what was going on there were a lot of tears, "repentance" and statements that "it's over".

Dude if this happened just once it would be a major red flag. If it's all innocent then there should have been no secrecy, no need for tears or repentance. If it was not all innocent then she should not be contacting him again.

 

But it seems to be happening again and again. That is a pattern. You're failing to impose proper boundaries and consequences for her inappropriate behaviour.

 

I've asked repeatedly what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change so these things stop.

You're not doing anything wrong. SHE is. You need to tell her to STOP this and behave appropriately as your wife.

 

Dude you need to tell her to ditch this guy, he is causing a clear and present danger to your marriage. If she can't see that then you need to tell her to WAKE UP.

 

How would she feel if you were doing this with one of your ex girlfriends? I'd bet my bottom dollar that you'd be out the door so fast, she'd need to FexEx your shadow to you.

[Chi townD]

Long story, I'll try to be concise.

Wife and I have been married for 10+ years.

I was called away on business for a week and came home to discover she had "reconnected" with an old boyfriend from her late teens. 400+ texts and unknown number of facebook messages had passed between them in the time I was gone. When confronted about it she insisted nothing "scandalous" was exchanged, they were only "catching up on life".

This has gone on and off for about 3 years, they have attempted to be sneaky with their electronic communications. Every

time I found out about it and asked what was going on there were a lot of tears, "repentance" and statements that "it's over". I've asked repeatedly what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change so these things stop. She always says their is nothing wrong.

I'm struggling, I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel emotionally detached from her. She says I'm the only one but would still keep talking to him even after he would refer to me in terms of "that a**hole husband of yours" etc. (he's never met me) She would always deny that it was an EA but then the next time that it would be "over" her words would incriminate her.

Maybe I shouldn't post this when I feel so raw and vulnerable. I don't really understand any of this. Any good advice or thoughts?

 

 

 

 

That's exactly when you should post! Lets us know the full story and where your head is at right now.

 

 

Yeah, she's conducting an EA. Catching up with someone in your past doesn't involve three years of texts and comments. Also, this douche rocket bashing you to your wife is a manipulation tool. Trying to get your wife convinced that you are an a**hole and she shouldn't feel guilty because of that. That's not "catching up".

 

 

I would find out if this guy is married or has a girlfriend. If this is the case, then you need to inform his wife or girlfriend that an inappropriate relationship is happening between those two. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS!!!! Just do it. If you give her warning, she and this douche rocket are going to come up with a viable and believable story to tell her. Like, you're a batsh*t crazy husband of an Ex that thinks his wife is cheating with EVERYONE and to pay you no mind. Don't give them time to come up with a plan. Blindside them.

 

 

See, affairs are like c*ckroaches. The love the dark, but as soon as the light turns on, they scatter. You need to bring this EA into the light. Dollars to donuts, this douche rocket is going to throw your wife under the bus to save his own ass.

 

 

And then, you two desperately need marriage counseling if your going to try and make it work.

Edited June 18, 2014 by Chi townD

[d0nnivain]

Him calling you names makes it more likely that she has at least one foot out the door.

 

If they exchanged 10 - 12 emails . . . how's the family? Do you remember the time we . . ? I'd be more inclined to tell you to power down but in the context of this marriage, I would give her an ultimatium: him or your marriage & expect no contact between them from now on. If she's not willing to do that, you don't have much to hold onto.

[Keke1]

I was in this same situation. Don't believe a word she says. They will just hide another way so it's difficult with you being married. I left my lying deceitful little girl. Best thing for me.

[Grumpybutfun]

That's exactly when you should post! Lets us know the full story and where your head is at right now.

 

 

Yeah, she's conducting an EA. Catching up with someone in your past doesn't involve three years of texts and comments. Also, this douche rocket bashing you to your wife is a manipulation tool. Trying to get your wife convinced that you are an a**hole and she shouldn't feel guilty because of that. That's not "catching up".

 

 

I would find out if this guy is married or has a girlfriend. If this is the case, then you need to inform his wife or girlfriend that an inappropriate relationship is happening between those two. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS!!!! Just do it. If you give her warning, she and this douche rocket are going to come up with a viable and believable story to tell her. Like, you're a batsh*t crazy husband of an Ex that thinks his wife is cheating with EVERYONE and to pay you no mind. Don't give them time to come up with a plan. Blindside them.

 

 

See, affairs are like c*ckroaches. The love the dark, but as soon as the light turns on, they scatter. You need to bring this EA into the light. Dollars to donuts, this douche rocket is going to throw your wife under the bus to save his own ass.

 

 

And then, you two desperately need marriage counseling if your going to try and make it work.

 

 

This^^^^ if he is calling you names! it is because she is telling him things about you in a negative light. Often these EA happen because one partner is telling their "friend" all the times you have missed an Anniversary, didn't take out the garbage, couldn't get it up, whatever and so the EA partner uses her own words to solidify why he is a much better man therefore feeding his ego. This behavior is unacceptable in a marriage.

All correspondence needs to stop, you need to see a MC or you need to go.

She already is cheating if she can't say or do things in front of your face at all times,

Grumps

[aliveagain]

This^^^^ if he is calling you names! it is because she is telling him things about you in a negative light. Often these EA happen because one partner is telling their "friend" all the times you have missed an Anniversary, didn't take out the garbage, couldn't get it up, whatever and so the EA partner uses her own words to solidify why he is a much better man therefore feeding his ego. This behavior is unacceptable in a marriage.

All correspondence needs to stop, you need to see a MC or you need to go.

She already is cheating if she can't say or do things in front of your face at all times,

Grumps

 

This is exactly what is happening. The old school friend is not a friend of the marriage, he needs to go away. There are one too many people in this relationship and one of you needs to go. He calls you a name and she doesn't defend you, in a healthy marriage one spouse always defends the other in their absence. Rather than defend you she choose's to defend their relationship over yours by refusing to give him up. She is in a full blown affair, at least an emotional one with a very good chance that it may be physical just by the fact that it has been ongoing for over 3 years. Distance isn't always a deterrent.

 

If she refuses to stop her infidelity it than becomes your choice to stay and be her cuckold or remove yourself from infidelity by firing her as your wife. The latter is under your control. Get back your respect by taking control, talk to a lawyer, find out what your rights are. If you give her an ultimatum be prepared to defend it. She will only do to you what you allow her to do. He is coaching her to be in his corner, it's the two of them against you. Everything she does she now runs by him, put a stop to that immediately. If you want her attention bring home some moving boxes(you can buy 2 and 4 cubic foot moving box's from most storage facilities or home office stores) and start packing stuff you don't use much anymore, don't tell her what your doing, let her ask you.

[Orange floor]

You know there is a wealth of experience and knowledge being given to you in here. The worst thing would be to ignore the perspectives generated by a great cross section of people and let things drift further. How did they find one another was it your wife who initiated contact - if it was then she has handed a great deal of cudos to the OM over you. He has been grooming her for greater involvement that could well have already taken place - you travel away - Have you had the opportunity to view all of these emails and the content or do you get a view of innocent ones?

 

My experience of this when my wife hooked up with a past friend or whatever you might call him was to find them using skype so that no written word was available and I had to put a stop to that there is much that takes place on skype. You need to at least have a fail save logger on her email account and phone because you might need the ammo particularly after trips away from home. Does your wife work?

 

You need to make it clear that there has to be no contact with this "old Friend" he has no need to be in your marriage and I would have at least expected your wife to stop the contact the second the OM made derogatory comments about you, albeit that this would have been prompted by something she has fed him in emails.

 

Put your foot down and if she resists then tell her to tell him she is on her way to live with him and his home set set-up i am sure he will welcome her with open arms - if he does then you can take the appropriate action.

[Orange floor]

I should have added that i am considered for my age to be an over user of texting. And it does take me sometime to send them - but 400 texts thats like 2 months worth for me and at 3 minutes per text thats 20 hours of quality time spent thinking and concentrating only the OM/old friend - your wife clearly has time to spare

[drifter777]

How do you know they haven't been physical since reconnecting? How do you know they aren't together right now? Does he live a long distance away? Did his manhood get shot off in the war? Point is your wife will lie, lie, and lie some more. That's what cheaters do - you cannot believe anything she says that you cannot verify.

 

You need to get really tough and make some demands on her behavior. Do you have kids? If not then the demands should be ultimatums. And keep digging for the truth about the whole mess. If she is or has been physical with him and you don't have kids then you need to question whether your marriage is worth all the pain and hard work required to recover from this.

[Keke1]

I don't know about making her do it. If she doesn't want to stop there really isn't anything you can do. She'll find a way. Hopefully she realize it's hurting you. Well let's be honest she doesn't give a F how you feel about it. Tough situation man

[Williewonka9]

Thanks everyone for all the wise words. Quite honestly it's hell to go thru. Especially when you're trying to calmly discuss it like an adult and you get things spouted at you like "all I feel is hatred and disgust coming from you" and demands like "I need to know from you __________ " . etc etc

 

Really? If I wouldn't love you I wouldn't be taking this time to try to talk to you, or stuck with you well after the 3rd strike.

 

We do have a few kids so that's kind of the last layer that has kept me from walking away already. My kids always come ahead of me.

 

Again, thank-you to all who took the time to write something. I sincerely appreciate it. (and if you have more thoughts, please feel free)

[lolablue17]

Thanks everyone for all the wise words. Quite honestly it's hell to go thru. Especially when you're trying to calmly discuss it like an adult and you get things spouted at you like "all I feel is hatred and disgust coming from you" and demands like "I need to know from you __________ " . etc etc

 

Really? If I wouldn't love you I wouldn't be taking this time to try to talk to you, or stuck with you well after the 3rd strike.

 

We do have a few kids so that's kind of the last layer that has kept me from walking away already. My kids always come ahead of me.

 

Again, thank-you to all who took the time to write something. I sincerely appreciate it. (and if you have more thoughts, please feel free)

 

She sounds like a person who always negotiate about everything. her love, affection, truth. effort, everything is tradable according to the "supply and demand" model.

 

So, reduce demand from your side and turn things up side down.

 

the extreme way is to start acting like you're going to divorce. Go see a lawyer with her knowing about it, ect... there are moderate ways too... but that's the direction.

 

If i'm right, she will change her behavior because her value on the market wont not so high...

[No Limit]

You can't talk to people who don't want to listen.

And for the future; it takes a 3-minute-call to catch up on each other. Not 3 years. Truth be told, I'm pretty sure this isn't just an emotional affair.

[Spectre]

Long story, I'll try to be concise.

Wife and I have been married for 10+ years.

I was called away on business for a week and came home to discover she had "reconnected" with an old boyfriend from her late teens. 400+ texts and unknown number of facebook messages had passed between them in the time I was gone. When confronted about it she insisted nothing "scandalous" was exchanged, they were only "catching up on life".

This has gone on and off for about 3 years, they have attempted to be sneaky with their electronic communications. Every

time I found out about it and asked what was going on there were a lot of tears, "repentance" and statements that "it's over". I've asked repeatedly what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change so these things stop. She always says their is nothing wrong.

I'm struggling, I don't know what to believe anymore. I feel emotionally detached from her. She says I'm the only one but would still keep talking to him even after he would refer to me in terms of "that a**hole husband of yours" etc. (he's never met me) She would always deny that it was an EA but then the next time that it would be "over" her words would incriminate her.

Maybe I shouldn't post this when I feel so raw and vulnerable. I don't really understand any of this. Any good advice or thoughts?

 

Dump this terrible woman, she is playing you for a fool. Sorry, the very first time you saw some 400 msgs between her and this dude should of told you all you needed to know. That isn't them just "catching up".

 

If she is this brazen she has probably slept with the dude a bunch of times. Let the guy have this trash so you can move on with your life. Sooner or later this other guy will realize the type of woman he got stuck with and he'll bolt.

Edited June 23, 2014 by Spectre