Are online-only friends really friends?

[tnimbus]

This is something I'm dealing with, and it seems that maybe others are as well. In the social-media landscape, can someone you've never met in person be your friend? What if it's someone you are very likely never going to meet?

What if this person is doing things you would not approve of in RL? How much time is too much time with online buddies?

 

I recently ended some online only "friendships", as well as something much worse, and more difficult to deal with, so it's something that is on my mind. I would very much like to hear people's thoughts and ideas on this. Thank you.

[central]

Most online friendships are illusions. They're a way to feel a connection without having a real one. These people would rarely support you or have your back in real life if you actually met them.

 

As for dysfunctional online-only "friends" -- they're a bad deal as they can influence your own thinking in a negative way if not careful. If they do things you'd disapprove of, why bother with them? You'd avoid them in real life, no doubt.

 

That said, I'd had pen-pals most of my life. Started on paper with snail-mail, then online with the internet. Most don't last long - a few exchanges and then they disappear. A few have lasted decades, and most of those I've met, and as they are good people, they have transitioned into REAL friends in real life, even though we may not see each other for many years at a time.

 

Don't worry about ending these unreal friendships. Make some real friends, or strive to meet the good people you interact with online and see what they are really like.

[d0nnivain]

I suppose but they certainly aren't going to be there for you in a literal sense when times are tough -- visit you in the hospital, hug you etc.

 

They have a place but should not replace IRL people.

[jbelle6]

I think sometimes people use online as a crutch to not have to go out and live life. I went through a few months of that myself to be honest a few years back.

 

I do have online friends, I don't accept random friend requests etc or anything like that, but I do belong to a few groups that pertain to my interests so I chat with people who have that in common with me.

 

I do know that when my Mum was very very ill, her online group from all around the world was extremely helpful. If she woke up scared at night there was always people up and on to help. A few of these are now real life friends.

 

I guess there are pros and cons.

[ASG]

Over the years I made several online friends, either through chat rooms (good old IRC) or online forums, much like this one.

 

Some of those people eventually became real life friends.

 

They can be real friends, but like it has been said, they most likely won't be *there* when you need a literal shoulder to cry on, or to visit you if you're ill. But they can be there for emotional support.

 

That said, you should have a mix of online and real life friends. Both have their place.

[PegNosePete]

I met my ex wife through an online friend.

[Keenly]

I have two friends that I've never met in person, but we really are a circle of TRUE friends.

 

One is a muslim living in canada, one is an ex marine in florida.

 

 

You guys can spout off all the "but thats not a real friendship" if you want, but we have been playing games together and socializing over VOIP for 4 years. We know everything about each other, our likes / dislikes, and whats going on in each others lives. If they ever needed anything from me, I would help them, and I know they would do the same.

 

 

You don't need to touch some one to be friends with them.

[Els]

Friends? Sure. To me, being able to talk to someone is the most important part of a friendship, be it online or IRL. So yes, that could apply to online-only friends as well (though I did actually end up meeting up IRL at least once with most of my close online friends - so does that make them 'more real' now? ). I have a few friendships that started off through online games and have spanned over 10 years. Some of these people are easier to talk to than RL friends whom I've only known for a year or less.

Edited June 19, 2014 by Elswyth

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have had a close online friend for 5 years now. You can all say what you like but she knows more about me than any real life friend. Emotional closeness is the most important part of a friendship to me.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Friends? Sure. To me, being able to talk to someone is the most important part of a friendship, be it online or IRL. So yes, that could apply to online-only friends as well (though I did actually end up meeting up IRL at least once with most of my close online friends - so does that make them 'more real' now? ). I have a few friendships that started off through online games and have spanned over 10 years. Some of these people are easier to talk to than RL friends whom I've only known for a year or less.

 

I too have met many men and women online in various forums, chat rooms and social media outlets over the years from all walks of life and from all over the world. Some of them I am proud to call my friends.

 

And just like in RL, some online friendships are closer than others for various reasons. There are always a select few that make the cut above the rest and with whom you feel most comfortable sharing a deeper part of yourself.

 

Personally speaking, I think that online friendships are really no different than RL provided you always remain cautious but not cynical.

 

[Emilia]

I have some online friends, mainly from here but from couple of other places too. We usually get drawn in through common interest. We discuss topics that wouldn't usually come up in conversation with real life friends.

[Yasuandio]

I did meet in persn an LS'er from the separation and Divorce site. She was attending a conference in my area. We have been friends for a few years now. She was there for me every hour during my Mom's death and funeral that occurred in her state - she could relate to the dysfuntion Of which I was coping with a crucial family member. We don't talk or text regularly - but I know she is there for me, and visa-versa. Yas

[learning_slowly]

I think online friends are different to real life friends, but serve the same purpose: supporting one another. If there is a strong bond, then there is a reasonable expectation you will meet in real life. So there is a chance they will then be a real life friend.

 

With global travel being easier, a lot of real friends move long distances and can become online friends!

[pink_sugar]

I've met people in various groups of interest over the years...then added them to facebook when it came around. I have a friend I met online that I've "known" for about 12 years and we've discussed meeting someday. Sure, it's not the same as someone you've been friends with whom you've interacted with daily. But the funny thing is, I've interacted more with some of my online friends that I've never met more so than my high school friends with whom I only see or talk to once in awhile.

[preraph]

I met most of my online friends through specialty web forums, like a music fan board and a board for childfree (and now here). The music ones seemed very close. I did make one real friend there and we've seen each other a few times even though we're nowhere near each other. We exchange holiday gifts and I feel she is a very close friend.

 

Other than that, though, it has mostly been a bit disappointing and when a situation changes, the friendship fades, or sometimes people bail when they are going to really have to meet you. Me and a girl from the music board used to get drunk together chatting before bedtime and it was so nice. We loved the same band. I traveled some to concerts at the time. She invited me to her town to go with her. I accepted. She had told me in the beginning that she was kind of socially anxious but it was hard to grasp it because she went to shows and was married, according to her. Anyway, as soon as I said I was making reservations to come for the concert to go with her, she totally backpeddled out of it. No reason, just tried to pretend we'd never talked about it - and it was her idea to begin with. She went away over a loyalty issue regarding a third party and I think she was just looking for an excuse after she knew I'd really travel. I did wonder if she was who she said she was, a married woman because she was obsessive over who at the time was a hot gay male performer, and it seemed to me it was in sort of an awfully familiar way, like she was really seeking compliments about him just like a mother would do if they were proud. It was odd. And he did have a mother who was also a musician, but I could never find anything to prove it up. Maybe she was a performer and just too afraid of synchophants. Or just a person with a social problem.

 

I also had a close friendship blow up online over requesting him to be discreet with some guys he talked to who were stalking a friend of mine. I met him in person in England, but it just blew up eventually for what seemed like a silly reason.

 

I had a nice rapport going with a writer of an online mental health advice type column and we don't live all that far apart, but we've never bothered to meet. And once the column went away, that was pretty much the end of that. We didn't have too much to talk about then.

 

I moderated a childfree board for years and it slowly died as Facebook took over. I had a few loyal people who stayed, but once I closed the board for lack of interest, I don't think any of us kept up with the others.

 

It's true so much of what you get online is an illusion. Just always remember that a real friend is like finding a diamond. It doesn't happen often, but it lasts forever.

[tnimbus]

Thank you so much, everyone who took time to post here. This is something I've been grappling with for some time now, and I wondered often how other people in the world viewed it.

 

I was never much of an online person until about 3 years ago when I had an accident and was stuck in the house for about two months. It just never struck me to chat online with people I didn't know. In some ways it was a terrible rabbit hole (online mmorpgs, so glad I got away from them) and in some ways it was a learning experience. I have 2 left that I consider friends, but most dropped away when what we had in common was gone. Some others I ended contact with because the "friendships" were becoming very negative and draining.

 

I have to agree with the points that some are illusory, only based on the common ground otm, and most can't make the leap into RL. A very, very few can grow past the electronic tether, but it's very hard to do, even if the person is genuine. I guess they have their time and place like most everything, and like most everything, they have built in expiration dates.

[esteem-jam]

I have only made online friends through games. I cant seem to make friends on boards or chat rooms.

 

First friend, from Russia. He buffed and healed me, I shot. We tore the **** apart. I cried when he said the clan has come to an end. 1 year friendship.

 

Second game, second friend, from Virginia. We discussed rap, builds, items, he always stuck behind in levels on that game. A few times he made me upset when he said he will be online, but never came. Sent an facebook request, but he didnt accept. To this day I wonder if he was real, or he was BSing me, there was his real life friend playing the game, I think he was faking between 2 personas.

 

Another game. A designer from Turkey. Chatted in game and via msn messenger. He was decent, I came less and less to MSN so it kind of died. We were FB friends.

 

Another game, friend from Russia. We had a uprising clan, chatting on irc. I taught him lots about the game, he became hooked, on that and on esports idea in general. He plays LoL now and other games, I dont. I stopped coming to chat. This year, after some 2 years break I came to the chatroom, wondering maybe he will be there. We chatted for 12 hours, catching up on things, where we left at. But the topics run out, and I havent been back there for 2 months. I think I am a bad influence to him. Now he watches anime. I think he will be in the same hole I am some years later. It will be sad if it happens, so I want him to be free. And I dont talk about personal stuff, he doesnt even know my surname. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite, one person in real life, other online.

 

Somehow I always keep my distance with online friendships, dont reveal much personal details. I dont go to teamspeak, cause there will always be some dick who will bully you. Or maybe I fear that somebody wont like the real me.

 

So, as a person who spent a lot of time online, I can tell you I still would prefer a real life friend, who knows the real me.

[Aedra]

I think I might offer a slightly different point of view.

 

I have online friends that I've known for 5 years now, so yes, absolutely, you can meet people online and have in-depth and meaningful conversations to people through text and on voice chat. One of those people I have met in real life multiple times. I plan to visit two others in real life too fairly soon. They are considered my closest friends and I met them all through online gaming.

 

Meeting people online has let me to get to know and relate to people that I'd never otherwise meet in real life due to the many social barriers that exist in our society. Age, sex, occupation, sexual orientation, appearance, all those things collapse online, which is both a bad and good thing. Their remarkably different socio economic statuses and cultural differences in some cases has taught me alot about the world, about what a value and taught me to be more grateful for what I have. It can be surprising who we truly connect with when those things aren't used to block people from getting to know one another.

 

I guess I am a little biased in that I have had very little good experiences with real life friends. Ever since I was a kid I never truly fit in and grew tired of the pressure to cave into what everybody expected me to act like, my online friends understand me and support me better then anyone in real life. They have been there during some tough times, but at the same time, they also haven't been there. It's online, so real life takes precedence still and its not quite the same as a real life friend. Still, I have no regrets meeting my online friends, they have enriched my life and supported me during some hard times.

 

How much is too much time with online friends: I think if its leaving you unfulfilled and disrupting real life duties, then its probably too much.

Edited June 25, 2014 by Aedra

[Smarty Pants]

This is something I'm dealing with, and it seems that maybe others are as well. In the social-media landscape, can someone you've never met in person be your friend? What if it's someone you are very likely never going to meet?

 

If you consider them your friend, then yes. Pretty simple.

 

 

What if this person is doing things you would not approve of in RL? How much time is too much time with online buddies?

 

I have friends in RL that do things I don't approve of. Doesn't mean I am not friends with them. It's their business, not mine.

 

Too much time is spending more time with them than you do in the real world with people you see in person.

[Els]

So, as a person who spent a lot of time online, I can tell you I still would prefer a real life friend, who knows the real me.

 

Have you ever HAD such real life friends? From your accounts it doesn't seem like the problem was with 'online friends'. Rather, there seemed to be a lot of drama in those friendships, which would have existed regardless of them being RL or online.

 

Mind you, I'm not knocking RL friendships (and if the people you meet online are from the same country then sometimes the line ends up blurring anyway), just saying that the problems you list don't seem to be caused by the online nature of your friendships.

[carhill]

In the social-media landscape, can someone you've never met in person be your friend? What if it's someone you are very likely never going to meet?

 

IMO, such varies widely, as does each person's definition of what friendship is. In my social circle, admittedly 'old', if one hasn't broken bread at each other's personal homes, it's not really a friendship. Of course, close friends go much further than that. Some of us are like brothers to each other and our lives are interwoven in very complex ways. IMO, it's just not possible to achieve the same thing online.

 

I recall one acquaintance I had made online on a travel forum. We didn't become 'friends' until he picked me up at the airport and we spent a few nights walking the CBD in Wellington (NZ) which is his home. It was that personal contact, and me sampling some Maori food at his behest, which cemented the interaction and took online to the personal level.

 

IME, again probably reflective of my age, pure online relations are valid and enjoyable but just don't have the depth that I assign to friendships. There's something about pressing flesh that makes the friendship 'real'. YMMV!

[FrostBlaze]

Some of my best friends are online friends, simply because i can connect with them much better than with my IRL friends.

And i have met most of them since they don't live far away (80km).

My furthest online friend is like 300km away, still planning to meet them this summer, the whole bunch actually ^^.

 

So yes i do think online friendship can be made, depends on the people, i've had some that come and go.

Some i've never met but keep in contact for like 5 years now.

[todreaminblue]

i think online friendships develop if they are real people behind the computer screens....people come into your life for whatever reason and however they come into your life.....there's a time and a place.....i have had pen friends from all over the world...and the other side of australia ...egypt, germany,ethiopia, america.....they were friends too.....sometimes distance can be hard to maintain a friendship and they peter out.....doesn't mean it isnt worthwhile to try.....i enjoy communication in most forms...i am unlikely to be the type to have a love interest because i need to touch the guy i am with physically......i cant feel close enough to do that that si why online dating i am disinterested almost as soon as i join...friendship yes online dating ....nah..deb