How do you you deal with returning to work when you're the OW and boss the MM?

[lati2ude20]

I haven't gone into work since the bomb was dropped on Thursday. You know the one I'm talking about. It's the one where he tells you after he has moved out from his home for two months & spent loads of time with you but needs to go back so he can resolve things once & for all. However doesn't know what that is yet and feels horrible for putting me though all of this and never meant to hurt me!

 

Company is going through merger & acquisition to complete in by 6/05 which doesn't help the situation. The irony is he's my boss in th worst corporate department & level you could think of. How the hell am I supposed to go back to work & function with my heart being raped and at the same time wanting to knock him out to feel my pain? It seems he has no problem in functioning right now.

 

I am aware of my poor judgment but more so the unwise position I have placed myself in. Maybe bitter & feeling threatened? I have an incentive bonus, on top of severance that is due when merger is finalized, which is quite substantial.

 

The nuts and bolts of it all is my heart and mind aren't in sync. Being smart & strong are difficult without some pain. To say the least he is being way to compensating. He tells me what ever I need he'll do, help me find another position if I choose to do so, see if I can take it one day at a time & return, be a bitch and make him suffer, or even if I decide not to come back at all he'll help me financially (like I can even trust that at this point).

 

Is he being genuine or just afraid of what could take place? He tells me that it's not the marriage that he's torn with in his decision it's his children. Making the choice of being a part time father kills him. In many conversations I told him there is no enemy I would with divorce on, everyone gets hurt to some extent and that these are choices we make that have repercussions.

 

Sprialling no where freaking fast and can't function or more so begin to deal with it all. I know what I should do but need to come to grips with the feeling of stupidity and very ashamed of myself. These are my own repercussions.

 

I feel like not going back at all that way the ties would be severed with no temptation of relapse, but I have my financial matters would suffer and have great effect my household and two children currently raising on my own. I could go back and be a brutal bitch but that's where the stupidity of my heart comes in and can't do that.

 

Anyone gone through what is current in my life?

[tiki]

Go back with your head held high. Never go back to him. Look for another job if you can. In the meantime, get on with your life...date, socialize, whatever (if you are single).

 

I tried sending you a PM to no avail....PM me when you that feature is activated.

[lynnered]

"He tells me that it's not the marriage that he's torn with in his decision it's his children. Making the choice of being a part time father kills him. In many conversations I told him there is no enemy I would with divorce on, everyone gets hurt to some extent and that these are choices we make that have repercussions"Anyone gone through what is current in my life?

my xmms same reason for not leaving ,i stayed 4 years i just recently broke up with him, i felt he was sincere its not easy ,kids,some men cant take that risk i guess mine kept saying when the time was right ,i told him call me when he gets separated.

 

I know what I should do but need to come to grips with the feeling of stupidity and very ashamed of myself. These are my own repercussions.

only you know what's best for you,you sound like you know,

lucky for me we don't work together ,he lives like 10 miles away so i skip grocery store &go to a different gym now,i feel so bad that you have to work together .

don't feel ashamed&you are not stupid you are human , read the posts it happens!!

keep posting it helps to talk to others who have gone through &are living what you are as well(at least for me anyway)

good luck

[guest]

Similar but not exactly the same situation. When I started seeing my boss we were both married. A year later his wife left him (because she had found someone else that she had been seeing for years, not because she found out what he was doing). So, he got divorced. My marriage was also falling apart, before i met him. A year after that I finally worked up the courage to leave my H. Shortly after I moved out of my house he announced to me that we were over, as he so nicely put it, it was the natural progression of things. Whatever! Can you say, once i was available he got scared????

 

And yes, the next few weeks were sheer HE!!. He was good about the fact that he knew I needed time to regroup. He let me leave early, come in late, whatever I needed to do. He had faith that my job would get done regardless. And yes, there was a terrible downward spiral that I thought I'd never get out of. I cried endlessly, I begged, I pleaded, I yelled, I emailed him somewhat nasty letters letting him know how p'd I was, I was a blooming idiot!!! But as time passed, each day got easier. And a little over 3 years later, I still work for him. We're still good friends and I go to him for advice about my kids, relationship with my Ex and yes, even advice for the guys I've been dating. I look at him now and don't feel that attraction or the hurt. He's just my friend!

 

If you can find another job, that will help. I wasn't in a position to leave mine. It's a pretty specialized field and I would have had to move to find something comparable. And I didn't want to uproot my kids. So, I was stuck and I knew it. So, day after day, I pulled myself out of bed in spite of the fact that I just wanted to die. Forced myself to go to work and do what I needed to do to get through the day.

 

You do have to hold your head high. And no, it ain't easy, it will probably be one of the hardest things you may ever have to do. Do what you can to stay focused, I know that probably seems impossible right now. But you can get through it! hmmmm that reminds me, I had asked him at the time if we could "hook up" one more time for "break-up" sex, he never answered my question! Too late now, 'cause I'm no longer interested in him that way, AT ALL!!!!!

[lati2ude20]

I need a quick kick in my butt! I can't even figure out the PM on this site, Sorry about that Tiki. Maybey if I get mad at myself it will jumpstart my next move to get myself back on track. It's just hard to not turn back you know? It hurts and it's so easy to relapse

[lati2ude20]

That's the whole problem here is having to work with him. I can look on the upside get out fast & quick but be smart about it. I know in time this too will pass but why so we have to endure such pain?

Holiday sounds in order but need to back on track first Thanks for your post. =0) I know I'm not the only person going through this kind of situation but I think we all feel alone during these time.

[tiki]

Ignore him. It'll be hard though. Just get on with your life, leave him in the DUST baby!

 

You may have to wait like 2 days before your PM feature will be activated.

[lati2ude20]

Thanks, I thought on top of spelling errors I was just losing it. I crashed on an exam, had this happen on tope of daughter finishing up with HS and considering no continued edu. These are tests I guess and I just have to get into "GAME ON" mode!

Just need to remember not to generalize and be bitter about this lesson. At least there is that positive and some really great wine I can look into. Thanks

[MsMree]

"Lat" - one thing i came to realize about MM w/C - it is not the same for them - when we leave, we take our children no matter what (or why). For men it is a whole other ball-game - when they leave they instantly remove themselves from their childrens daily lives - when i think about roles being reversed, such as, fathers being the caregiver, nurturer to their children there is no way i could leave them knowing i'd instantly become a part-time parent.

 

We always assume a man doesn't love us enough and forget that the love and responsibility to his children must come first - it would come first with you as well - for some reason we think that because they are men that their love for their children is somehow less than ours.

 

My MM has tried to leave twice with always the same outcome - his children completely fall'g apart - and he is the one to blame because he fell in love with someone other than their mother - seems like this is the same as your situation. IT SUCKS!!

 

But knowing this, doesn't it somehow make it easier to bare? I mean how to we compete w/C - We don't even want to.

 

When all this gets to be too much for me to accept i think about when i was a kid - it would have effected me my entire life if my father left us for another woman.

 

The work situation is going to be difficult but i bet you have strength that hasn't been "tapped-into" - YOU CAN DO IT, YOU MUST DO IT if only until you find another job - you don't know what is in store for you or even what tomorrow will bring -

 

I truly wish you well - you will be in my thoughts - pls. keep us posted - and keep writing/read'g on LS - it really does help!!

[lynnered]

We always assume a man doesn't love us enough and forget that the love and responsibility to his children must come first - it would come first with you as well - for some reason we think that because they are men that their love for their children is somehow less than ours.

what MsMree ,said, is soooo true

my xmm problem he did not have his father in his life &as a child he said he always wondered why his father wasn't around,I've met his father so for those who might say its bull i know its the truth,

he actually plans on leaving one day she started school this year (his child)& i was going to wait it out, but he couldn't tell me if it would be more then a year ,so so 4 months into 1 more year last shot, i gave up!!

he said ,he only feels this is a break ,he thought id give him more time i feel he's sincere ,i told him look me up when its over.

i mean i plan for the worst ,&of course hope for the best its just so hard for them to leave &some don't consider that ,not to say there perfect but like its not easy for us leaving mm ,its hard leaving home ,even if they don't know why they stayed with her,hoping she would change then she gets preg,and there stuck (my mmx).

anyway at work is there another location you can transfer to?again ,i really think it sucks he works with you,I've been throwing myself into work ,a class on sat,gym(when i know he wont be there)and i still think of him everyday,i know you can do this ,i think its 21 days to form a new habit??

 

the game of life is not so much in holding a good hand ,as playing a poor hand as well.

-- change is often rejuvenating,invigorating,fun....and necessary----------

[newby]

if at all possible, go in to work head high, dont accept ANY of his offers of help or allowances for your state of mind. just finish this job keep a calendar cross off each day and give yourself a pat on the back that you got through it.

we have all been "stupid" if you like, however i dont see it like that. from the outside somebody could easily judge me on choices i made but noones gonna know how i was feeling or my whys but me. same with you and every other ow on this site and though its hard to get through without being angry, nobody can really judge the mm either. its easy to get into situations when we are needy of something and sometimes we are so needy we dont even know we are needy anymore. these things happen, dont beat yourself up, whats the point?

although as msmree said he also has his own stuff to deal with which is big stuff the advice i am giving you is for your benefit. dont compromise yourself by accepting his help. although it is hard you will feel much stronger much quicker if you dont do that. i know this as i've been in several situations like this altho not with mm but people fking you upthen offering you help because you are fked up, do not accept his help.

sending you strength.

you can do this.

[lati2ude20]

I am very thankful for this web site and forum. As tears roll down my eyes and the pain raping me within I know what is the right thing to do for myself! Not anyone else but me. Yes we don't get dealt the hand we want to in life and to make me smile I know this for a fact living here in Sin City.

 

But I know if I take control of myself and my actions I will be able to look at me in the mirror when I get ready for my first day back to work and feel good about what I present as well as represent. I am human and do make mistakes but if I don't change I won't be able to grow there isn't one without the other.

 

I can tap into that other level I never knew I had but will have to have now. I haven't had to deal with anything this deep since my divorce 5 yrs ago with the clothes on my back & kids in toll. Left & gave up everything for me, my own wholeness, self esteem & sanity. That was my mistake not stepping back and doing it wisely and had to literally start from scratch and work two jobs to make ends meet.

 

I need to be a wiser human being and learn from that mistake and take advice from others who truly know what I'm going through. I don't think any self help section can replace the comments here in this forum!

Thank you for your posts.

 

I'll keep you updated as I know I'll have much hurdles that will need to be dealt with.

[lati2ude20]

This too will pass in time as we hear in moments like this. That's the pain in all of it. Time, I can only give props for the guest who shared the experience with me. I don't want to dread going into work, I love what I do! I'll be a sucker if I let anyone get in my way of what I have worked so hard for. On top of all of the education involved not to mention time spent towards that as well.

 

I just am very afraid and scared to have to deal with it but deal with it I must. This will make me a stronger & wiser human being, I think? Only time will tell

[lati2ude20]

Unbearable, unconfortable, & akward. Ran itno him while stepping out of the office in the hallway. Eye contact, my God if looks could kill we both would be dead.

 

I was in seminar until 11am & come back to did I go & get coffee yet from starbucks?

[newby]

LOL

well at least it makes an amusing story

p.s

you doin good, girl