Co-dependency

[sham19]

Hey guys, I'm a longtime reader/lurker of several sections of this forum and have only just created an account.

 

What are your thoughts on co-dependency in a relationship? I'm a 34 year old male in a serious relationship - living with my girlfriend of just over 2 years - and I exhibit some traits of textbook co-dependency.

 

I believe it's a combination of nature and nurture that can cause the development of this. My mother was, looking back at how she was and after gaining knowledge/researching a little on co-dependency, was a full blown co-dependent. This coupled with my gentle pacifist nature was the catalyst for my development. There are parts I don't enjoy and parts I do but for the most part I want to be rid.

 

Have any of you experienced this, and have you done anything about it and was it successful?

 

Thanks

 

Sham19

[Tiger Lily]

I agree with you that it's a combination of nature and nurture, OP. But I think it's slightly more a nurture thing. Which can be a good think, imo, because any of us who have learned co-dependent behaviors can unlearn them, too.

 

I think I probably have some co-dependent traits. I don't know too much about how to change it, but I do think people reach a breaking point in life sometimes, and that's when real change can take place. Prior to that, a lot is just tolerated.

 

I imagine that, if you were to look closely at your life, you would see many non-co-dependent things you do. Maybe not in relationships, but in other instances in your life. Like not tolerating being ripped off at the store, or not letting someone shove you around at the mall. For me, it's helpful to remember the times when I'm not passive and narrow down the times that I am. That way I can try to figure out just when and in what situation might I display the behaviors I don't like, and when I am able to act differently, with the intent of trying and incorporating the positive behaviors more and more in my relationships.

 

Or, talk to a counselor about it .

[Nikki Sahagin]

I have some co-dependent traits also.

 

The way I see it is that I give so much love and thought to someone else and I expect that back. I believe love is one of the most important things in this life and so I make it a priority, always thinking of little ways to be there for the one I love. This seeps into co-dependent traits because I get my happiness, comfort and security caught up in someone else's.

 

To me this isn't always a problem. There is always some dependence in relationships and it's rarely equal. If you know it makes you suffer, you can just focus on doing more outside of the relationship for yourself from time to time.

[ktya]

Be careful with this word, its becoming overused.

 

Bad codependency is when one partner is making excuses for the other partners bad behavior, mistreatment, etc.

 

Good codependency is when you simply feel that you need your partner in your life and will go to great lengths to keep them there, but with no bad behaviors

 

Mutual codependency is the strongest relationship you can form, provided it is not bad codependency

 

If you listen to relationship counsellors talk about codependency, and buy everything they are saying, you will be in line for a divorce. They preach that each partner should be completely independent of eachother and not need, depend on, or sacrifice for the other.

 

Codependency as a term was not used originally to describe loving relationships. The quacks started that.

 

The term originated in dealing with couples where substance abuse was a problem. Husband joe is dependent on cocaine, which causes him to mistreat wife jane. She becomes co dependent with joe, by enabling and making excuses for his poor behavior and enables his substance abuse because joe treats her better when hes not jonesing.

 

Be careful judging yourself with this term in trying to "fix" yourself. The theory does have some merits but its definition gets longer every year, and that says something: $$$ for therapists.

[scooby-philly]

Ok

 

Let's get something straight first off - Co-dependency was developed as a clinical term by the "quacks" - which is why they don't use adjectives in front of it.

 

There's co-dependency, mutuality, independence, and inter-dependence. In the case of trying to help the poster - which is the point of these forums, the issue is that "co-dependency" (the clinical term) is easy to spot but identifying persistent habits and traits takes time and insight. Yes, working with a professional is worth it to help uncover those behaviors, find solutions that work, re-inforce positive behavior, and give a non-shaming environment where people can share. Yes, eventually you need to move on from the therapist - but quacks who take advantage of people are no different than doctors who sell you on surgeries you don't really need, political pundits expousing on topics they don't understand, or sports broadcasters without any formal training in psychology, sociology, or medicine trying to analyze an athlete's behavior. Or like Oprah who sometimes does her audience a disservice by not recommending how people can continue to heal from whatever symptom they're suffering from on a specific show.

 

Now back to the question at hand - co-dependency, properly defined, is a feeling or emotion that leads a co-dependent person to make choices that are otherwise out-of-line with normal behavior in a given situation. For example, you want to go to the gym but your partner says no - only people who are vain go the gym. You say okay the first time, the second time you bring up the subject you point out that you know people very well who are not vain and they go to the gym, and your partner says something different to try and convince you not to go - maybe the gym nearby is crappy. The third time you bring it up they say "if you go to the gym - I'll stop cooking for you". That act, which is shame based (an issue I struggle with), if it compels you not to do something - or do something - that isn't normal - is codependent. The full-blown, clinical definition of co-dependency normally includes those types of situations repeated over and over again and is often (which is the second reason it's misunderstood) associated with relationships where things such as sexual molestation/inappropriate behavior, addiction (not just "drugs" - but alcohol, sex, porn, shopping, eating, etc) come into play. It's about going beyond what is normal over a period of time and/or in multiple circumstances.

 

We're all co-dependent in a sense - a friend trying to convince us to spend the night (even innocently) because they don't want to be alone) - that's possible co-dependency. Or, when a partner asks you to not go out at night because they don't like the people you're going to see - that's a possible case of a co-dependent situation. But the real key lies in those types of behaviors being perpetuated on an ongoing, regular basis - usually focused on a specific area - such as a partner helping the alcoholic into bed and making excuses for their behavior every time they get drunk. Or the father who coerces their child into not saying anything to their friends, relatives, or neighbors about how he hits their mom. It's repetitive, it's about coercion and it's about secrets.

 

In your case - you need to identify what behaviors your have - and are the the "enabler" or the "actor". Going back to the scenario I posited about the gym - imagine that the partner there was ashamed of the way they looked - if you went along with their threats and did not go to the gym but still worked out at home that would be co-dependency as you changed your behavior. Obviously that's nothing compared to cleaning up after an addict. But, even without major things like drugs, sexual issues, violence, you can still develop co-dependency in relationships.

 

The issue is finding balance and knowing what your triggers/issues are and discovering what caused them. In my case, my parents and maternal grandmother (who lived with us growing up) were all shamed based personalities that exhibited strong co-dependent traits in relationships. Healthy relationships are about mutuality and inter-dependence - i.e. we rely on each other - not we need each other or I cease to function as a human and my identity is no more! Yes honey, I won't go to the gym tonight because you are sick and you'd like some company. That's inter-dependence. That's mutuality. My family had financial problems, drug and alcohol problems, and could barely take care of themselves - let alone me. So I always felt like when I was different as a kid - I didn't have a lot of friends, I wasn't allowed over other kids' houses a lot, I didn't date in HS or college - I figured it was me - I figured I was bad/wrong. Now that's really to do more with shame, but co-dependency usually gets coupled with other issues such as shame, self-esteem issues, etc.

 

Don't stop discovering - but - and I do want to exercise some caution here - don't go it alone and don't get duped into thinking/believing/feeling that there's any single expert out there, that you need therapy for the rest of your life, or that you cannot change. Above all - look for patterns and trends. You can analyze things to too fine of a point and that's not healthy either.