RegretfulAlways Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 So xAP and I recently reconnected after 16 years. (16 years ago we were coworkers and slept together one night after determining that we had massive crushes on each other. We only slept together 2 times, then made out at an office party. But (sorta important point) when we first slept together he was only two weeks into his marriage!) Our relationship (this time around) was never consummated - just an online affair. I ended it a few days ago by unfriending him on Facebook (long story) and now I'm going through with withdrawal symptoms. My question is, how do I stop romanticizing my ex? Especially knowing what a cheater he was! Help!!!! He's really attractive, seemingly good father, family man, etc. How do I stop dreaming about the man I had hoped he would be versus what he really is? A reality check would be most appreciated now! Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Reality check, he may be all those good things but he doesn't want you full time. If he slept with you just a few weeks in to his marriage you were probably the first of many. Steer clear and find someone worthy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 So xAP and I recently reconnected after 16 years. Sounds familiar, though a bit different in details; 14 years after an eight year off and on. Interesting how the mind stores those details. Unfinished business? Our relationship (this time around) was never consummated - just an online affair. I ended it a few days ago by unfriending him on Facebook (long story) and now I'm going through with withdrawal symptoms. Like you're drowning? To me, sounds normal. My question is, how do I stop romanticizing my ex? They're just another fallible, imperfect, mortal being, like you or me. One of billionsEspecially knowing what a cheater he was! Help!!!! He's really attractive, seemingly good father, family man, etc. Yep, people aren't one-dimensional, especially when you love them. How do I stop dreaming about the man I had hoped he would be versus what he really is? A reality check would be most appreciated now! What worked for me was accepting the real. If we were to be together in life's journey, she'd be sitting right here beside me as I type this. She isn't, we're not, and that's OK. You'll get there. Just keep at it. Life does go on, for we lucky ones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Write a list of 100 things that would be positive for you in ending the affair. Read it slowly every time you think of him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 You've gotten some really good advice here so far, Regretful. Be glad you're getting out of it now rather than on down the road a year or two. Are you married or single? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 You just said it I. Your post when you said" you know what he really is". You have the answer now you just have to bite the bullet and let the time of NC works it's magic. Otherwise you will do the PA again and bring some more havoc to your life 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulAlways Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 These are great responses. Thank you. To answer the question above, I'm married to a good if imperfect guy. One child who I live more than life itself. Etc. I think what is scaring me is that I'm not focusing enough on how lucky I am to have them, to have not gotten caught, to have not jeopardized the great life I do have. In weak moments I think that I still could've managed to keep up the online affair - especially because this guy lives two states away, it felt like I could keep compartmentalizing, and the social media connections made me feel good about myself, knowing he was always able to see what I was doing on FB etc. (I know how narcissistic that sounds but I rationalize that at least it wasn't the other around, ie, I was using FB connections to stalk him because I really wasn't.) It's very therapeutic to re-read all of the posts on here about how every A will end in failure, no matter how much you anticipate/rationalize otherwise. I need to shift my mind out of this unproductive (and delusional) "what if" mindset. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Think of it this way, the more time and energy you spend on or with OM the more distance you get from your husband and more likely your child will be in a split family. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 It's very therapeutic to re-read all of the posts on here about how every A will end in failure, no matter how much you anticipate/rationalize otherwise. I need to shift my mind out of this unproductive (and delusional) "what if" mindset. Right? Right. And not only will most As end in failure, most will cause your marital relationship to deteriorate. "Rot" might be a better word to use than deteriorate. So, you could be facing losing both your marriage partner and your affair partner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MatchStick Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 My question is, how do I stop romanticizing my ex? Especially knowing what a cheater he was! Help!!!! He's really attractive, seemingly good father, family man, etc. How do I stop dreaming about the man I had hoped he would be versus what he really is? A reality check would be most appreciated now! A Physical Affair followed by an Emotional Affair must the toughest to shake. There is no doubt in my mind he values you......BUT, he married someone else. Already, right there, cheating 2 weeks into a marriage, this guy has got serious relationship problems. Things are not going to get better. A good father, especially when it comes to things like "do what I say, not as I do" when raising his children to follow his example(s), like relationships? You have been handed a HUGE red flag. That's just what I think anyway. You may want to examine your boundaries: no married men. He is truelly emotionally unavailable. And secondly, he has had enough time to beat a path your way. Has he? Or is he just not letting this latest dish of risotto get by him? Third, as with myself, withdrawal feelings are normal. All those wirings keeping you hooked into him are just winding down, and if you ever really do want to be able to have a full, one and one relationship with someone, that wired highway needs to close. You are doing fine!! If each day or two, you don't feel better, I'd recommend therapy. For myself, 6 months into NC, I still get pangs, but these are small things compared to the overall relief of being out of a situation that just isn't cool. Good luck, and best in finding true love and someone who wants to make you believe it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MatchStick Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Right. And not only will most As end in failure, most will cause your marital relationship to deteriorate. "Rot" might be a better word to use than deteriorate. So, you could be facing losing both your marriage partner and your affair partner. I am married, and 6 months into NC after an EA with someone I knew like 40 years ago. And first ever. A completely innocent interaction for the both of us, at first. I went NC for my own reasons. His 'emotions' for me didn't bother me as much knowing his own marriage seemed to be headed towards splitsville/death, and after almost a decade of both struggling. (And not that I would bag my own M, but I never believed he would ever make a serious attempt for an 'us'). Ok, I discovered I wasn't helping with solutions, just helping him tolerate a painful situation. W discovered his attraction (no PA), and he still wanted to see me, on HIS terms, discretely behind her back. Ok, I don't deserve the situation, and secondly, I see the situation eroding his own marriage. My thoughts were he needed to poop or get off the pot with his M, his needs to take care of his Stuff, and Situations. If he is going to do that, then great, but until then, I'd be just enabling him not to, and being a part of the deterioration. And what am I fighting for? A guy? No paycheck, no vacation home, no trips out of town, no nothing...... As an after-effect, I am pleased with myself I didn't make his life worse, whether he and she realize it or not. I didn't help him hurt himself. Hope that helps. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulAlways Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 MatchStick - your response was perfect. I need to take every false/romanticized assumption I have of this guy and break those assumptions down one by one, and you just did it. It's funny - when I read this and how it all looks "on paper" the answer is BEYOND OBVIOUS that this is a no-win, horrible, harmful situation that I miraculously just escaped. Funny how those endorphins/addictive tendencies cause you to be blinded, though. I guess that's why they call it affair fog, right? It's REALLY good to know that NC works, and that it gets better day by day. In all honesty I do feel it getting better, slowly... it's just those reminders - songs, random memories, etc. - that can really throw me off. Nothing any of you aren't already well familiar with, I'm sure. Anyway, really appreciate these strong positive vibes you are all sending me! I love this site - super helpful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RegretfulAlways Posted June 19, 2014 Author Share Posted June 19, 2014 Matchstick - thanks for sharing your story and I think you are exactly right. I will hereby look to you as my model of a strong, confident woman who valued herself above all else. Best of luck to you and let's keep in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
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