Frustrated 28 yo guy...

[Jono85]

I'll TRY to keep this as brief as possible, but might get lengthy. I'm just so frustrated, stressed, lonely, in need of a life change.

 

Summary of situation

 

I'm broke, live with my parents, jobless (I just went back to University this year to finally finish degree in Commerce..long story as to why so late) and lonely as hell, in terms of not having a girl friend. I'm used to not having a girlfriend; I've had a few in my life but the longest one and most serious lasted a year (on and off) and ended 2 years ago, leaving me quite broken. I've dated a bit since, all ending up, without fail, the girl being into me in the beginning and then me driving her away rather quickly. It's like they're initially attracted, but then realize I have nothing going for me or realize I'm a loser and bounce. Just f*cking sucks, because I start caring and investing and then BOOM, rather unforeseen, I'm in delete her from facebook/erase the memories mode and it's getting so damn tiring. I feel like giving up. I guess the positive is I'm at least attracting girls that I'm attracted to; I just can't keep them..

 

I have an opportunity, which will take a year or two, to get OUT. What I mean is to get out of this mediocrity and become much more valuable on the job market. I've registered for my CFA level 1 exam which is in December. Assuming I pass that, I can take the level 2 exam next June 2015. Assuming I pass both of those, it will be much easier to get a legit job in the investment industry.

 

NOW, here's the thing. I'm at a breaking point with how lonely I am. I'm 28 turning 29 in a few months. I crave a girlfriend, someone who loves and cares for me, someone to talk to, so damn bad. BUT, these exams, if I want to have a SHOT at passing them, require an obscene amount of hard work and studying. Assuming I get a full-time job at some point soon ( I'm broke, and although my parents will support me, thank god, I have no money for anything I want to do), I NEED to start dedicating 90% of my free time to studying and passing this exam.

 

I cannot control finding love. I CAN control my chances of passing this exam. I suppose I can go balls to the wall and just try and forget companionship, suck it up and fend off the constant stabs of loneliness, and go all-in for my career. I guess the problem is my motivation for studying lately and really for a lot of things has been lacking, BECAUSE of my failures with girls, and life. I'll be 30 next September, I'm not getting any younger. Having passed 2 levels of my CFA by the time I'm 30 will undoubtedly put me in a much better spot than I am now.

 

But realistically, if that happens, I'll also still be broke, living at home, no girlfriend, and turning 30.

 

These are just the tips of my problems. I have a lot of insecurities in how I look, and some social anxiety that I've been going to meetups for, and want to start doing Toastmasters this summer to get over my public speaking fears. I just don't feel anything close to a man, and why should I?? And why should girls date me when I don't have anything going for me right now?? I dunno man, it's a cold world, and there's definitely a part of me that wants to give up on women (if possible) until I do start achieving things (career, my own place/car...independence). Its just realistically, that will take a couple of years. I've been so lonely for so long, it's hard to imagine sucking it up for 2 more years and focusing solely on personal/career development.

 

Sigh. More so a rant, and frustration. I'm so behind the 8 ball, and the mountain I have to climb is still so large and I'll be alone doing it, I just doubt myself is all. I'm a bit overwhelmed with how far I have to turn this ship around; and yet doing so likely means not having time for a relationship or more importantly not having time to get hurt by anymore women.

[Mr Scorpio]

You can indeed endure two-years of focusing on your career. You will likely have an easier time finding someone when you can actually afford to go on a date. Better late than never, career-wise. Stick your face to the grindstone and get studying.

[TigerLilly78]

Stop pushing women away! its not a hard choice the right one will support you thu everything the trick is finding her. But you cant do that while you hide behind your insecurities and carrier. Learn how to balance your life love and accept yourself just as you are now until you do that you will never find real happiness no matter how many degrees you get..

[Els]

It sucks, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. If passing this exam means a better life for you, then yeah, put everything you got into it. Two years isn't so bad.

 

Good luck, OP!

[learning_slowly]

But you really need a part-time job aswell.

Look at it from your employers view. Why have you not worked all this time?

They will get candidates who will have been working and doing the exam.

 

As everyone said, you need to forget girls or learn to meet unemployed ones.

[Mr Scorpio]

But you really need a part-time job as well.

 

Indeed, especially if you aren't responsible for your own cooking, clothes-washing, etc. It sounds like you've got too much time on your hands

[Jono85]

I appreciate the responses and advice, thank you.

 

@ Mr. Scorpio:

 

Yeah i think it all points to just grinding it out. It makes the most logical sense. I will point out that although I'm broke, when I've dated girls in the past, it hasn't been much of an issue. I took them on dates and paid. They would also pay after a couple dates, as I would never date a girl who doesn't offer to help out, as I'd be concerned whether she really likes me or what. Either way, having more money and more value in terms of career prospects/own place, etc. would help tremendously in attracting women.

 

 

@ TigerLilly:

 

Very solid advice. Even when I had girl friends in the past, although it made me extremely happy at times, the underlining core happiness with who I was, was still not present. Having a beautiful girlfriend will not compensate for my short-comings. I've definitely learned that I need to fix myself and love myself first and foremost if I ever expect to be happy. I've been working at it for a few years now, with ups and downs. Going back and getting my degree was huge and there's been a few mini-milestones over the last year+ that have given me momentum; momentum that was non-existent for many many years. So there's been some progress.

 

And yeah I haven't been pushing girls away deliberately but undoubtedly my insecurities eventually probably affect things. I'm definitely much more confident now then I was when in my last relationship. Hopefully I only keep progressing with some hard work.

 

 

@ Elswyth:

 

Yeah; I'm pretty sure it's got to be the most important thing for me to focus on. I can't live in my parents house with no assets forever. A business degree doesn't mean a whole lot, and although I could probably land a job now/soon, it would take many years to earn any kind of decent wage. Obtaining my CFA would most likely ensure or at least give me a very good chance of both career stability and quite a bit more earning power. It's just not an easy road and many (most) fail along the way. The pass rates are not good, and there are 3 exams/levels to get through. If you don't dedicate majority of your free time to it, you won't pass.

 

 

@ learning_slowly:

 

you're absolutely right. I can't expect to just study until December even if my unemployment insurance and parents could help me survive. I definitely have to start searching harder for something. My worry is I already struggle with time management and I need to put in 400+ hours into studying, probably more like 500+, from here until December. Getting a job that consumes much of my time will make it hard for me to do that. But no doubt it's time to check myself in the mirror and see what I'm made of.

[Jono85]

Indeed, especially if you aren't responsible for your own cooking, clothes-washing, etc. It sounds like you've got too much time on your hands

 

it's true. in the sense of when I was working in a highly demanding job last year before I went back to school, it took my mind off most of my stresses, at least temporarily. That being said, it wasn't an end game job, so I also felt like I was wasting my time. It was a double-edged sword. I did get good references from it, and the clients I take care of and got close with are offices, big companies/banks, so although I was a customer service/bottom feeder, it does have some opportunities to eventually crack into these places because I built relationships with people in these accounts (not hiring managers usually though, but contacts are contacts I suppose).

 

anyway that job I can still have back so it's definitely a fall back option that I will probably take fairly soon if I can't find anything in an office.

[Jono85]

I should mention, that ironically, as I've been contemplating giving up on women and just focusing 100% of my free time on career/studying, a girl entered the picture this week (I met her this past weekend on a road trip for my buddy's bday).

 

This girl is stunningly beautiful and I never thought I'd have a chance with her. She was actually kind of picked up by my buddy, and I met up with them after with her friends and the guys in our group. Well my buddy has a girlfriend, and they didn't really hit it off all that well, so I started talking to her at the end of the night for a while. We left without exchanging numbers, b/c I didn't think she was all that into me (I guess because she started out with my friend, I didn't really "game" her, we just talked for a while. I did tell her, apparently, I thought she needed a man in her life and she should give me a shout lol..I was semi intoxicated). But yeah so this girl sought out my number from a guy I went with, who hit it off with her friend; so she got the number through them.

 

Anyway, my head is telling me that it's too good to be true. We've been talking, and really enjoying eachother, and she seems pretty into me. She's only 20. I'm trying to temper excitement, which is kind of sad when you think about it. I'd like to think at 28 I'm quite experienced with signals from girls, and I can tell she's really into me, but at the same time can tell she's not like a slut who's really into me; she definitely seemed reserved that night, and she seems like a girl with morals. She hasn't been leading any overly sexual type of talk, which is good. flirting, yes, but classy.

 

Anyway I'm trying to temper excitement because my experiences have proven I'm just not this lucky, or deserving of a quality beautiful girl. There's either something wrong with her (she mentioned her mom was a single mom, so maybe she has daddy issues, and is very needy...she already seems like she could be semi needy, which is fine in moderation, as long as it doesn't mean she's needy for ANY kind of attention from guys, and will hop to a next dude at some point etc.) or there's nothing wrong with her, she genuinely likes me b/c we hit it off last weekend, and she's attracted to me, BUT she's going to realize I'm a loser and it won't last too long, lol.

 

So i'll try to take things slow and not jump in. I'll try to make sure my primary focus is on ME and my studying/job search. We haven't even been on a first date yet, so there's lots of time for this to collapse lol. But it's been a nice ego boost in the interim. She even told me how she wanted to text me Monday (she texted Tuesday) but she wasn't sure, and her friend told her to just go for it and why not. It was really cute to hear. Usually I have to tip-toe through a mine-field in order to not lose attraction for some of these younger girls (eg. not texting right away, not texting too much, etc etc basically holding back) but with this girl it just feels natural and there's no games. She doesn't act holier than thou, even though I'd say she's one of the hotter girls I've talked to. Anyhow we'll see. I'm pouring out my thoughts here but I believe I've kept my cool to a degree with her lol so hopefully this keeps progressing but slowly, so I don't let it take over my life in any capacity.

Edited June 19, 2014 by Jono85

[learning_slowly]

The good men project website might be worth looking at for advice on making sure shes a partner worth having.

 

Might give you other inspiration for your life too.

[Jono85]

The good men project website might be worth looking at for advice on making sure shes a partner worth having.

 

Might give you other inspiration for your life too.

 

can you elaborate on the website and how it will help to make sure she's a partner worth having?

 

i feel like the only way to find that out would be to date her and get to know her.

[umirano]

Why are you so negative about this girl? Daddy issues? You talked to her once while you were intoxicated. With that mindset you really don't deserve the beautiful cool girl

 

Man, relax, talk to her some more before being all harsh and/or destroying your own self worth.

[Jono85]

Why are you so negative about this girl? Daddy issues? You talked to her once while you were intoxicated. With that mindset you really don't deserve the beautiful cool girl

 

Man, relax, talk to her some more before being all harsh and/or destroying your own self worth.

 

I just don't know man. I know, that's not fair. But I'm trying to look outside the box (analyzing things I suppose could be my weakness..). But this girl is 20 years old. I'm not trying to sound like every other guy on the internet, because I would have placed her out of my league and admittedly my ex was not this good-looking, but she's quite beautiful. I'm pointing this out, not to brag, or to suggest this is all I look for, but because girls like her have lots of options. I've talked to young girls this attractive and like I said, it's like tip-toeing through a mine-field. You display a bit too much interest and they lose it. I get that MY experience is a small sample and shouldn't be extrapolated onto all young beautiful women, but I'm just saying it's strange that SHE sought out my number, and SHE is showing quite a lot of interest. It's from my limited experience that confident, young, beautiful girls are just not usually like this; they have tons of options and understandably, my value doesn't necessarily blow their socks off, so it's been a struggle for me to keep their interest high and they are never the aggressors as this girl's been. I know they have guys as/more attractive with better career/financial prospects interested in them.

 

So yes, I suppose I'm starting to wonder whether she's a needy individual starving for attention and someone to love/care for her and maybe she recently got hurt by a guy, and our situations aligned to where she's craving these things from me (at the moment), and had less to do with me being so awesome. I say this because quite frankly, although I can be awesome at times, and on dates, I wasn't really all that awesome with her that night and I'm just curious what is driving all this interest.

 

These are just thoughts that instinctively pop into my head from past experience; I'm not about to ruin this by making the assumption that it's the case right now, but I can't deny it being in my head. I'll try my absolute best not to let it affect my personality/actions though as we continue.

Edited June 19, 2014 by Jono85

[umirano]

I used to think like you with one of my exes. She was stunning and more beautiful than the exes before. But it turned out I was overthinking this by a long shot. She was crazy about me, I'll leave it at that bc otherwise it'd look like I'm bragging about myself.

 

Just go for it, don't go crazy, don't shoot her down coldly. Just give it a go and have a good time. No pressure. You don't have to bang her, you don't have to stay away from her by all means. Just look at it as some fun dating and learning about women and RS and whatnot. If she's truly great you'll later thank yourself for sticking it out, and if not you won't have lost a whole lot. You can't study straight for 2 years anyway, you will go out from time to time and have some fun.

[learning_slowly]

The website tells you how to date a girl so you can see her plusses and minuses before getting hooked. Go look in the forums there.

[Smilecharmer]

Beautiful girls need love and companionship too. She may just like older guys who interests her. I did. You need to stop being so negative and enjoy some laughs and dates and remember that your previous experiences are in the past. You have a lot of opportunities going on right now....study, date, get a job and learn how to manage your time so you can enjoy your life. Many people date, get their certification or degrees and have part time jobs. Some even have kids and aging parents who need care. You can do whatever you put your mind to as long as you don't keep talking yourself out of it because it might get hard.

[Noproblem]

I say stop this negative thoughts, focus on succeeding in the exam that will change your life for better.

 

Girlfriends can wait. but this is your only chance don't blow it..

 

try to find fun in reading or watching tv...

[JDPT]

I think it's time for your to take care of priorities which is your career. I wouldn't put so much emphasis in finding this "someone" who you'll like to spend time with. Someone told me this a few days ago "sometimes you have to do what you have to and not what you like..." take this time to focus on you and better your future. A woman suitable for you will come in due time.

[spiderowl]

I don't know if you can get counselling free near where you are, but I feel it might help. It might help to talk to a sensitive listener about all these frustrations and your relationships. It might help you to disentangle where you could have done something differently and where you couldn't. Maybe you are picking the wrong girls for you? Who knows? This is the kind of thing that relationship counsellors can help with. I can't see it harming you at this stage.

Edited June 22, 2014 by spiderowl

[37samara]

Dude this girl likes you.

 

You don't know what she's like yet, stop projecting her to be needy because you have bad self esteem and think if someone likes you they must be awful.

 

You don't sound like a loser. Your working on your career.

 

Who cares if you live at home etc, it's your attitude not your situation that is limiting.

 

I suggest eating healthy, working out, and reading self help stuff. Sounds corny but it only takes 30 days to correct bad thinking.

 

Keep a journal you fill out daily with everything your thankful for and want in your life. You may feel dumb while doing this, but do it anyway.

 

Imagine more, think less. Imagine a positive ending to this story and you will get positive results. If you worry too much and think negative thoughts in relationships you will get negative experiences.

 

Work on imagining your best self, focus on others you admire who are confident and embody those characteristics.

 

I am guessing your fine. People probably like you, there are also people who would probably envy you. You have a lot to be thankful for and I'm sure you can focus on these things.

 

You have a lot to offer if you can bring out the best in people.

 

Be confident, take care of yourself, value and respect yor elf and others. Show her a reflection of what she wants to be seen as. Be autonomous but also giving. Confident people are okay with giving attention and sharing their feelings because sit isn't the end of the world. There are other girls. You will survive. But maybe..just maybe, this girl is a great catch for you. So work on yourself, treat her well, and see what happens. I recommend tony robins books, how to make anyone fall in love with you (book on YouTube), meditation and prayer.

 

I'm 28 as well, I have options too, and you sound like a decent guy. Guys just tend to think the way you do sometimes because you are biologically on the side of rejection while us women are on the pursued side. Rejection is part of life. To survive you have to figure out what works. Be a good person, be fun, and confident and you are golden.

[ktya]

Im ten years older than you and i work in the same industry.

 

Im no cfa im a sales guy. And it is pretty easy to get dates as an investment banker.

 

Once you do your courses girls will be banging down your door.

 

As for the 20 year old hottie, go for it.

 

My roommates brought over some cute single 19 year old last thursday and i had had a super lame date earlier in the night. Within an hour i had her number and i kissed her a half hour later, an hour after that i was munching 19 year old carpet. Im 37 for god sakes i was floored. Just gotta make the ask, if you dont ask you wont get an answer either way.

[ChessPieceFace]

If you want someone to love you for you, why are you trying to improve your career portfolio? </idealism>

[emeryentropy]

Just wait and focus on building your future. Once you obtain that it will be very easy to find a good woman, and you sound like you think your age is bad but 28 is super young and so is 30. Most women now have kids in their mid 30's even so it's not too late to meet somebody after you have your job together and then build your family.

[Jono85]

thats what i hate about being a guy, hate how we guys have to be so damn valued and judged, defined by our job, career, occupation, stability, income, societal position, what we are doing with our life or where we are headed in life.

 

Honestly, this is just life. You can complain about it, but there are x amount of other guys building their value at the same time, putting in work to get ahead in this world. You cannot change what women are attracted to. Not all women value things the same way, but majority whether they want to admit it or not, value power, independence, confidence, status, etc etc etc. The ones that say they don't, are likely lying.

 

Is it not worse to be a girl? Guys value girls predominantly for their looks (not unanimously, but more so than girls), so girls that aren't naturally pretty are in a worse boat than most men I'd think, considering we have the option to boost our value if we're not as physically attractive. Girls still can do this, but like I said, I don't think it's as impactful towards attracting men, compared to a man who's not all that physically attractive, but improves other areas.

[Jono85]

^^^ Anyway, getting off topic there.

 

Listen, I really appreciate all the feedback from everyone; I never thought I'd get so much advice.

 

 

I'm going to give an update after this weekend, in terms of the girl situation. We're supposed to be seeing each other this Sat night, as it's her friends bday and they're supposedly coming to my city for the night. That being said, I'm not sure if it's 100% set. She told me it was 99.99% BUT they hadn't booked the hotel yet, so I'm not convinced.

 

That being ALSO said, after some good chats throughout the past week or so, talking regularly and fun/flirty/teasing type of conversations, the last 1.5 days has been nearly silent. I know it was nothing on my end, b/c the last we talked, yesterday early afternoon, she was saving (screenshot) a selfie snapchat I sent her driving (this is how you must talk to 20 yo girls I'm finding..don't judge lol) and I was teasing her about how she didn't have to admit she really liked it, etc. Anyway, so yeah, not sure what's going on. Today I teased her a bit about being too cool to holler at me and that I needed my daily dose of _____ (her name) with a smiley, and after a few hours she lol'd and apologized saying she'd been busy, and said she couldn't give me that (daily dose)...most likely being playful (we're like that...mean occasionally). But I just haven't responded back, b/c well she's telling me she's real busy all of a sudden, and jokingly saying she doesn't have time for me, but she still needs to put in some more effort here. I'm starting to get flashbacks of all the inconsistent girls before her that have crashed and burned lol. I'll play it cool, and wait for her to become "un-busy" and initiate msging, but still a little put-off here. She never had an issue texting around her busy schedule before but now all of a sudden she's busy. Interesting.

 

If I had to put the odds of us even seeing each other this Saturday I'd say 35/65. I apologize for the negative thoughts again, but I assure you I'm not showing any of this with her. We'll see..