Stigma of men who have used escorts.

[iiiii]

I wonder if going to a prostitute will be very useful experience for the OP, anyway?

 

I mean, I guess it might make him less nervous the next time he has sex with a woman.

 

But, it's unlikely to teach him much else about sex with women. He might even pick up some bad habits. I mean, obviously all women are different in what they like, but on the other hand the prostitute is going to want his money - she isn't going to criticise him - she's not going to tell him he's too rough, or hey that's not nearly enough foreplay, or admit "no, I didn't have an orgasm", or whatever.

 

Edited July 7, 2014 by iiiii

[joystickd]

Why even pay for something that you could get for free if you put the work in?

[Priv]

First time 2 good foreign friends came over to visit (I am Dutch) they of course wanted to see Amsterdam and naturally the red light district. Both visited prostitutes for the first time. One of them was a virgin before that at 30ish+ age. Was actually kinda hilarious to see him work up the nerve to just talk to one of the women there and ask for the price, but before he got 2 words in he was pulled inside the room and with the curtains closing I got a glimpse of him looking back at me shocked with the largest eyes I have ever seen. But asking him afterwards about it he thought it was generally a good experience while a bit clinical and I believe it got him over the hump so to speak, and he went again later that evening. He treasured the experience of finally being with a woman. He never really worried about stigma, as I think he has got this ‘never going to get a girlfriend anyway’ attitude. Not exactly your situation but take from it what you will.

 

 

Second and last time was with a bachelor party where the other friend mentioned above was the groom to be and brought along a bunch of guys I didn’t know beforehand. While a pretty uneventful afternoon with hanging around in bars in Amsterdam the evening turned pretty no holds barred rampant prostitute visiting. I am talking 8 guys maybe going 5 times with performance enhancing drugs, threesomes, 2 on 2, live sex shows, you name I got it. ‘The Hangover’ had nothing on the kind of thing that happened that evening. That evening turned ‘ugly’ pretty quickly. Kicker is, most of them were married, or soon to be married, and some had kids. When asking them about it they said visiting prostitutes, like an ONS, or any other NSA sex is just an advanced form of masturbation so it is all OK. And I can’t say I disagree entirely. But… they looked like it was probably the best night in their life.

 

What I learned from these experiences:

 

 

Visiting prostitutes is probably a lot more common than you think. But maybe that’s the curse of being Dutch and having foreign friends over.

 

All together it is a positive experience. It did the guy who was a virgin good, got him over the hump and had a valuable experience, and from no one above have I heard that it sucked or they regretted it etc.

 

It might lower inhibitions. The friend from the first time had no qualms doing it the second time a week before his marriage. It is all just masturbation anyway… So be careful about develping that attitude.

 

Ironically, being single in both situations I never did it. And I was tempted, more so the first than second time because well… they were all in relationships and that really isn’t my scene. While I had several reasons for not doing it one of the foremost is what you mentioned. Stigma. EVERY woman I have dated for a period of time has asked me if I have visited a prostitute. And that is a question not asked out of general curiosity. And while LS is pretty open minded about all sorts of stuff, this is not my experience IRL, as you said yourself in your opening post about it being a deal breaker for a lot of women. I don’t want to lie about it my whole life.

 

 

I do honestly believe reading your post visiting a prostitute might help you or at the very least, cause no harm, as I have seen it before. I guess it all comes down to the LS mantra ‘the past is the past’. If you can find yourself in that, I seriously think you should consider it. I fundamentally disagree with the notion, so I will not.

[Ryan R.]

First time 2 good foreign friends came over to visit (I am Dutch) they of course wanted to see Amsterdam and naturally the red light district. Both visited prostitutes for the first time. One of them was a virgin before that at 30ish+ age. Was actually kinda hilarious to see him work up the nerve to just talk to one of the women there and ask for the price, but before he got 2 words in he was pulled inside the room and with the curtains closing I got a glimpse of him looking back at me shocked with the largest eyes I have ever seen. But asking him afterwards about it he thought it was generally a good experience while a bit clinical and I believe it got him over the hump so to speak, and he went again later that evening. He treasured the experience of finally being with a woman. He never really worried about stigma, as I think he has got this ‘never going to get a girlfriend anyway’ attitude. Not exactly your situation but take from it what you will.

 

 

Second and last time was with a bachelor party where the other friend mentioned above was the groom to be and brought along a bunch of guys I didn’t know beforehand. While a pretty uneventful afternoon with hanging around in bars in Amsterdam the evening turned pretty no holds barred rampant prostitute visiting. I am talking 8 guys maybe going 5 times with performance enhancing drugs, threesomes, 2 on 2, live sex shows, you name I got it. ‘The Hangover’ had nothing on the kind of thing that happened that evening. That evening turned ‘ugly’ pretty quickly. Kicker is, most of them were married, or soon to be married, and some had kids. When asking them about it they said visiting prostitutes, like an ONS, or any other NSA sex is just an advanced form of masturbation so it is all OK. And I can’t say I disagree entirely. But… they looked like it was probably the best night in their life.

 

What I learned from these experiences:

 

 

Visiting prostitutes is probably a lot more common than you think. But maybe that’s the curse of being Dutch and having foreign friends over.

 

All together it is a positive experience. It did the guy who was a virgin good, got him over the hump and had a valuable experience, and from no one above have I heard that it sucked or they regretted it etc.

 

It might lower inhibitions. The friend from the first time had no qualms doing it the second time a week before his marriage. It is all just masturbation anyway… So be careful about develping that attitude.

 

Ironically, being single in both situations I never did it. And I was tempted, more so the first than second time because well… they were all in relationships and that really isn’t my scene. While I had several reasons for not doing it one of the foremost is what you mentioned. Stigma. EVERY woman I have dated for a period of time has asked me if I have visited a prostitute. And that is a question not asked out of general curiosity. And while LS is pretty open minded about all sorts of stuff, this is not my experience IRL, as you said yourself in your opening post about it being a deal breaker for a lot of women. I don’t want to lie about it my whole life.

 

 

I do honestly believe reading your post visiting a prostitute might help you or at the very least, cause no harm, as I have seen it before. I guess it all comes down to the LS mantra ‘the past is the past’. If you can find yourself in that, I seriously think you should consider it. I fundamentally disagree with the notion, so I will not.

 

 

Wow, thank you for this post man. Very insightful and probably one of the best I've seen in this thread. This was a timely post because I'm going to Amsterdam/Europe with a group of pals this August and I'm going to lose my virginity to a specialist. I truly believe it will get me over the hump and get me accustomed to a woman's sexual side. I'm planning on doing it several times. I don't really think I'll get a girlfriend but I will try and go up the ladder so to speak by having sex with girls I'm not necessarily attracted to, just to get the experience. I'd like to look back and have some one night stands in my memory, so I need to do just that. If by some weird stroke of luck I do get a girlfriend, I'll just tell her I've had a lot of one night stands. Beats saying you're a virgin and have no women attracted to you.

 

Why even pay for something that you could get for free if you put the work in?

 

When you apply for a job, you send in an application. It is reviewed (or not) by the hiring manager. The hiring manager looks over your skills and sees if you are a good fit for the job. Obviously, someone with a better and more qualified resume will be seen as a better applicant. You put resumes in to 50 jobs and you get no calls back, while someone else gets calls back from 15. Who do you think will get the job with the benefits, paid vacations, and stock options?

Edited July 8, 2014 by Ryan R.

[Priv]

Wow, thank you for this post man. Very insightful and probably one of the best I've seen in this thread. This was a timely post because I'm going to Amsterdam/Europe with a group of pals this August and I'm going to lose my virginity to a specialist. I truly believe it will get me over the hump and get me accustomed to a woman's sexual side. I'm planning on doing it several times. I don't really think I'll get a girlfriend but I will try and go up the ladder so to speak by having sex with girls I'm not necessarily attracted to, just to get the experience. I'd like to look back and have some one night stands in my memory, so I need to do just that. If by some weird stroke of luck I do get a girlfriend, I'll just tell her I've had a lot of one night stands. Beats saying you're a virgin and have no women attracted to you.

 

 

No problem. But I didn't post to promote going to prostitutes

 

 

The virgin I was telling you about liked to have the experience of knowing what sex was like. Not to get sexual skills. I seriously doubt going to a prostitute will help you with that. You don't get accustomed to a women's sexual side doing that as it is all about you. The sooner you are out the sooner she is ready for another costumer. It is pretty much an adult theme park where instead of riding a rollercoaster you ride a prostitute (seriously, the whole atmosphere is rather like a theme park). But since you are going the only tip I can give you is to bargain beforehand what you want, because once inside there is no bargaining.

 

 

Well, ladder wise you are probably beginning at the top of the food chain because they are all gorgeous women. But I think when people talk about that they mean casual dating to get relationship experience. Not so much sexual experience, so when you do have a keeper you know what to do.

 

 

I also seriously doubt that a woman who is into you dumps you on the spot because you are a virgin. She might even feel special and have fun showing you the ropes. You pretty much start at the beginning with every new partner anyway, exploring what the two of you are into and what you like.

 

 

But I am not sure what you mean with specialist. If you are talking about a sex therapist like in 'the sessions'. Yea, I could see that help working through some of your issues.

 

 

Have fun on your trip!

[Revolver]

Um... Id rather dudes pay for sex straight up than lie to women that they love or truly care about them to get in their pants which happens all the time in America

[Trane]

Some say escorts and hookers are the ONLY way to go. You get what you want straight up, minus the emotions, minus the dating and relationship stuff, minus the telephone waiting games and ethics. Nowadays I find there are way too many rules in the dating world that takes away from the enjoying of having fun on a date.

 

Most importantly, MONEY speaks very loudly, especially when it's for the purpose of buying sex. Hookers rarely have deal-breakers when the almighty dollar is on the table.

[SammySammy]

You're right. A struggling guy can spend hours hitting on women and getting rejected. Then when he finally gets a couple dates, he can pay to take some women out, just for them to tell him they don't feel any chemistry. Or he can meet one of the many women who find a red flag in everything a guy says or does. Or, he can find a hot girl, pay her a reasonable fee, and actually get laid. If you were a struggling guy, which would you prefer?

 

I'd rather be alone than spend any money whatsoever on an escort.

 

If I were "struggling", I'd just work on myself and keep trying until I found a woman who wanted to be with me of her own volition.

 

The process of personal development would be much more valuable to me than quick and easy sex purchased because I've given up on myself.

[SammySammy]

That's you. Everyone is different. I don't blame these struggling guys one bit for seeing an escort. If I wasn't getting laid, I would probably do the same. These forums are filled with guys who have tried to get a girl, unsuccessfully, for years.

 

Well, I admit that's easy for me to say because I've never had a problem getting women.

 

Still, that doesn't mean that I haven't had to work to improve in many areas - including communication and confidence. I feel that I still have a lot of room for growth.

 

So, my process is no different from theirs. We may have started at slightly different places, but all men have had successes and failures with women. Thus, opportunities to become better men.

 

Paying an escort cheats me out of my opportunity to be the best I can be.

 

And ... you're right ... that's just my opinion.

[gaius]

Prostitution is a very submissive act for the guy. Just handing her a wad of cash, the amount she dictates. Not sure I could get off after being that submissive. I'd rather just whack off. Or hone my craft enough until I could get a woman.

[gaius]

Submissive? How so? Unless the guy is paying for a dominatrix, I don't see it as being submissive. If anything, I think it's the opposite. Guy wants sex, finds a girl he wants, gives her some cash, and gets the sex he needs. Like the old saying, you don't pay her for sex, you pay her to go away after.

The woman is dictating the terms of her giving you affection. And you have to agree in whole to those terms before you get any. I don't think it really matters that the "reward" for submitting is to get to have sex. It's kind of a perverted deal for a man. It doesn't stroke his soul in the way it needs to be stroked.

 

There are some women like that that aren't prostitutes, you better take out the trash or I'm not having sex with you, and they're equally not fun to be with. I'd rather jerk off in that case too.

[gaius]

That is a strange perspective. Do you feel submissive when you buy a car, too? It's just a transaction, nothing more.

 

Do you let women boss you around this way? No wonder you keep talking about submitting. I have never had a woman try this crap with me. If this has been your experience with women, maybe a professional would be good for you after all.

You have to have real experience with women before you'll find one trying to boss you around, duh. I shouldn't have to explain that.

 

It's interesting what people consider empowering nowadays. Compounding the humiliation of virginity with the humiliation of submitting and paying a girl for sex is no good for a man. Just like blowing a bar full of dudes is hardly empowering for a woman.

[Medium.Lumo]

I don't view this as what gaius is saying at all and I definitely don't see these comments as pointing to him bring submissive.

 

If anything it seems the opposite to me. If he really was submissive he could get off by doing what he considered a submissive act.

 

I don't really get how you can read these comments so differently to how I'm reading them.

 

 

Odds are I have much more experience with women than you do. Maybe you are naturally submissive, so women boss you around. I can assure you that no woman has tried to boss me around, nor would they be successful if they tried.

 

 

 

I really don't get your insistence on things being submissive. I can only assume you are submissive in nature.

[Medium.Lumo]

I can't speak for him obviously but I think he was comparing a prostitute to a bossy partner who demands certain things from you before showing affection.

 

A prostitute in his mind is the same, but demanding money instead of items / chores.

 

The point is a woman who actually loves you would show you affection without bribery. It shouldn't be something you have to earn. She should want to make you happy because you love each other.

 

Prostitution, the, seems soulless as gaius rightfully points out.

 

And my point is that I don't see anything submissive about making a transaction with someone. Is it submissive to buy a car? Submissive to buy a house? He says that an escort demands a certain price for her services, and that a guy must submissively pay this price. I don't see it that way. I see it as a guy letting a girl know what he wants, she says a price, and they agree. Or not. He keeps saying that it is submissive somehow to suggest a transaction with someone. That's why I can only assume that he is the submissive one.

[veggirl]

There was a thread here a while back by a female who went to a male prostitute. She was practically paraded around on the commenters shoulders in celebration. The difference between that thread and this one speaks volumes. OP you'll be mega judged for it. If you were a woman I guess it'd be hot and sexy lol. Personally I don't see how anyone who supports the sex industry via porn can judge you but as you see it'll happen in spades. If you go, I wouldn't tell a soul.

[SmartDude]

Yes ,there is a giant stigma against men who support sex workers.

There is also a stigma against sex workers for choosing their profession.

 

One thing is for sure. If you have never visited a sex worker or have never been one yourself, you have no idea what your talking about. I also had all these same superstitions about "prostitutes" as I used to call them. What society tells you about sex work is mostly a lie.

 

Marraige minded women who want children are the most judgmental and hatefull group when it comes to causing working girls harm. It is not the men who make them feel like crap, IT IS THE JUDGMENT FROM OTHER PEOPLE that causes the most harm to sex workers. Look at yourself in the mirror all you monogamy Nazis, your judgment of others causes death!

 

There are forums were sex workers and clients discuss important social issues pertaining to sex work. And you know what, the clients and workers are allies, they are on the same forums and support each other! They talk about judgmental attitudes(like on this forum), the hypocrisy of the ivory-tower rescue industry, tips for keeping safe...there is a lot of love and support there.

 

I hear all this talk about using a woman like a slab of meat. Sorry but that is absolute hearsay. The only type of man who would use a woman like a slab of meat is a man who thinks that a prostitute is a lowlife, not someone you would marry, but ok to have sex with. These jerks are the fathers and husbands you see on the street everyday...Believing themselves to be civilized, yet they have no awareness of their own mind, and it takes very little for them to snap and revert to animal behavior.

 

As a man I am proud to support sex workers. The ones who are meant to do this line of work are absolute angels, and they change lives. I would not have been able to date again were it not for the help of one of my special lady friends. They are healing men with their bodies, and they know it. I am a man who has decided to end this stigma for himself. I have come out publicly in support of the rights of sex workers and their safety. I will continue to be an advocate because it is part of a healthy society.

[ThaWholigan]

I personally wouldn't try to stop anyone from seeking out an escort. If they wanna do it, educate themselves first about pros and cons then do it. Hell, I considered it - it was one of my first threads here!

 

As I pointed out in the thread, I don't see prostitution as something wrong - in theory.

[blueskyday]

Theory and reality often differ.

 

We lie to ourselves to do bad stuff. Prostitution is wrong on so many levels. Anything that devalues an intimate act that should be freely given is wrong. Gaining something at the expense of another's humanity is wrong.

 

We don't rent another human for sex. It takes away the idea of mutuality. It uses. Everything else you might tell yourself to make it ok is a lie.

 

We don't use people for sex, or for money. Period.

[SmartDude]

Well I have interviewed former prostitutes, former customers of prostitutes, and done a lot of research on the topic of prostitution and the harm it causes.

 

Just like I said...If your knowledge is based on research data only, its not accurate. You can research people who pay for sex and people who sell sex all day long. You can talk about all the ills and harms done.

 

It amounts to nothing....

[SmartDude]

Listen OP, Don't know if your still around but hear me out.

 

The world of prostitution and sex slavery as seen on the news and on TV specials is a dark and dangerous world. Avoid this end of the spectrum at all costs! You want to avoid street walkers, addicts, pimps...and that whole nasty scene.

 

There is a right way to do this and a wrong way. You can really mess yourself up if you don't act with the utmost respect for yourself and for the lady you are with. That is rule #1, respect. If you decide that this is right for YOU then you must make a decision and live with it.

 

My experience has been positive. My longest "relationship" as a regular client to one woman was over a year. I saw her every 3 weeks. We developed a friendship because there was already some natural chemistry there, and that is why I chose to stay with her. If you go around the forums for sex work, you will find that it is encouraged to find some one that you can can develop that unique relationship with. The women also prefer regular clients because it takes the stress out of everything.

[gaius]

My relationship experience must be vastly different than yours. I have lost nothing. You, and others have shared your opinion, and I have shared mine. As opinions, they cannot be wrong. The fact that you think I have lost anything is somewhat telling about what kind of person you are. The word sophomore comes to mind here.

 

Right, because if I disagree with you, then I'm obviously not being genuine, or just trying to get attention.

Yeah, zero experience is a lot different than mine. If you ever want to stop projecting on others and lose the virgin stink we're here for you. Somedude just got out of a relationship with a chick that was pretty cute. We can make you his padawan learner.

 

Anyway, if people want to go to a prostitute then go to a prostitute. But at least try to get a real woman first so you can have that achievement under your belt. Most of the guys I've run into that seem super comfortable paying for it went through all the normal experience first and figured out it didn't work for them, for whatever reason.

[MoreCoffee]

So sorry, where was the focus for your research? Did you interview only specific socioeconomic strata/area? Was it only interviews of those who came to you? I doubt anyone on this board would find human trafficking/forced prostitution anything less than utterly deplorable. It is however, a shortcut to thinking to lump all women together, all situations together and damn it.

 

Sensual Solutions for Disabled Adults Seeking Intimacy Coaching

Ethos page and front page SFW

 

I'll leave the light on.

 

 

Well I have interviewed former prostitutes, former customers of prostitutes, and done a lot of research on the topic of prostitution and the harm it causes. If you think prostitutes like what they are doing, you are wrong. 92% of prostitutes want to get out of the profession as soon as possible. 75% of prostitutes have been sexually abused as children. The majority of prostitutes started out in the profession as children, exploited by adults. Does that sound like people who want to be in that profession? No. That is the reality, not some forums where prostitutes are trying to promote their business, or pimps/brothel owners are trying to promote their business.

 

 

Anyone who uses a prostitute is treating them like a piece of meat, to be purchased and used. Most customers are married men, using the prostitute to cheat on his wife.

 

 

Prostitution is not part of a healthy society. The majority of prostitutes suffer from mental illness, depression, anxiety, PTSD, trauma, or drug and alcohol addictions. Prostitution is part of a patriarchal society, where the "needs" of men take priority over the health and well being of women. Prostitution is harmful for marriages and families, who suffer when the cheating husband's escapades are discovered, and the marriage/family is then damaged or destroyed. Yeah, it's anything BUT healthy for society. Very unhealthy for the women, very unhealthy for the marriages and families of the customers. But, hey, as long as the married man gets his cheating behavior fulfilled, that's all that counts, right?

[Robert]

This thread is NOT about whether prostitution is a viable source for sex and it is NOT about the pros and cons of being a prostitute or using one, or what it does to woman in society.

 

What the thread IS about is the stigma of a man using one and how that would affect a person's future dating a woman who wasn't a prostitute if she were to know that he has partaken in using one.

 

Carry on.....

Edited July 13, 2014 by Robert

[blueskyday]

Well, if it's about the stigma, then I can tell you from experience how heartbreaking it is to think you are dating a nice guy and then finding out his recent past includes years of using prostitutes.

 

Utterly devastating. Lying about it is even worse, and this guy compounded the stigma by carefully crafting an image he didn't deserve. He was the opposite of the religious moral man he purported to be. So. Yeah, big stigma.

 

The stigma? A guy who uses a prostitute is ego centric , a loser with actual women, and has intimacy problems that preclude him from being in a relationship. He's seriously lacking in empathy. He has impulse control problems. He has no regard for others, and takes risks with his health, and the health of women. He is a selfish user, and treats women like they are worth nothing more than sex. He's probably diseased. Yuck . There's the stigma. What guy wants that?

 

I really don't know how I will ever trust a man again. Seriously. I doubt my own judgement. And I have lost faith that there are so many guys who think using a prostitute is acceptable. Even the guys who say they are against it could easily be lying to a woman they date, as I was lied to.

 

Just don't do it. Determining right from wrong is easy. Live with integrity, even if it is hard in the short term.

Edited July 13, 2014 by blueskyday

[notserene]

If I found out a man had a history of regularly paying for sex outside of very limited situations (e.g., very young and in the military), I would question his ability to have a "normal" relationship with a woman. I would think that he viewed relationships as primarily transactions.