i need your advice, which one to choose:my family or my bestfriend/boyfriend?

[burdened]

im soo confused about choosing between my family and my bestfriend, who is also my boyfriend. my family wanted me to stay in this country where i am right now (i came back last october to settle some family matters, not intending to stay too long) because they say that i will have a "better life" in this place, but i dont really see that right now and also in the long run.. in fact, why would they want me to stay here when they are planning to move us to california in the next 2 years?? i still need my parents support for my college education (culture stuff..& i guess they didnt really train me to stand firm on my own two feet..) and they said that i should support myself if ever i choose to go back to my own country, knowing that i have absolutely nothing to start with.

 

on the other side, i have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now and have been bestfriends with him for almost 8 years. he has 1 more year to finish his bachelors degree, and in 3-4 years he will be a liscenced architect. he has been there for me more than my family has ever been, my family might ignore my problem but he would listen & even find realistic solutions to the problems. i've had lots of successes with him and im not just saying this because im in love with him but because all of this is true.

 

he was telling me that when we get married he wants me to be a housekeeper, even if i finish a masters degree. he doesnt want me to work because he is well aware of my fragile health. so when he heard about the consequences that if i go back to my home country (where he is) my parents will not support my education, he was actually happy because he really wanted to take care of everything. he told me to stop thinking about college anymore (to reduce headaches) and that all i need to do is to get myself back there with him. i trust him but coming from a broken family where my biological father is never a good model, it is hard to trust him with all my heart. i mean, were not married yet and even if we are in a great long-term relationship, what if i go back there and he changes his mind and leaves me?

 

i was thinking about studying here and then going back to my home country (il still have to try to fight severe depression), so i can be assured that i receive educational help and employment in the future.. and make my parents and family happy for goodness sakes.. however, that will be a really long time for my boyfriend to wait! he already waited for me for two long years and now he's waiting for me again and its been 4 months now. i feel that i really am being unbelievably unfair to him. i never want to hurt him, i dont want him to go through the gruelling time of being alone again. when i got back with him the 1st time that i went away he told me that it was like a nightmare how we couldnt be with each other. i thought about ending this relationship with him so that he will not need to wait for me and suffer, but will that be a good idea? wouldnt i hurt him badly if i do that?? i dont want to let him suffer because of me but at the same time i cant stand the fact that he is going to end up with somebody else and being his bestfriend that i might also end up attending their wedding!

 

i dont know which path to follow. please i need to make a decision and i need it fast!

 

i dont know if any of you guys do understand me, but i'd really appreciate your suggestions and advice. if my story is unclear to you please dont hesitate to ask me.

 

ill wait for your comments. thanks.

[kypepeo]

The thing is you are trying to work out what youn want based on what others are willing to do or give to you. You need to know what you want. Why are you in school? do you want your degree to count for anything? where do you see yourself in five years even if everyone around you won't be there anymore? It has to be about you and what you want because this is your future you are talking aboput and you only live once. The decision you make now will most likely affect the rest of your life.

 

You need to step into your own and become your own person. That way you'll know where you are going and everyone else falls in place. Don't just look at the now or the convenience. Good things don't come easy. Your family and boyfriend are have already sorted thenselves out. Don't be a pawn in their games. Set your own rules

[burdened]

know what kypepeo, i guess youre right.. i actually feel that i am the person that you are suggesting that i am. the problem is, i dont even see myself anywhere in the future. i know what i want but i dont have the resources to make that happen. i even stopped going to school, maybe thats why i cant see myself or i dont even see myself in the future. my family & all the people around me actually say that i am very independent and that i get what i want, most of the times my family would even refer to me as "selfish" even if im not just because i get what i want. all these years ive thought that iam showing them that my life is about me and what i want but it still is not falling into place?

i really appreciate that you are telling me to step into my own and become my own person,but honestly i dont know how because i thought that i was doing that all along..

 

i would love to hear more from you. you actually helped my mind clear up quite a bit. please keep 'em coming. thanks..

[kypepeo]

Glad what I said helped. I've been where you are. I thought that I was independent and everyone around me thought so too so it was a shock when I realised that everything I thought I was was because someone else expected it from me.Even the way I used to see the world and my future was through somebody elses eyes. To make matters worse, my parents are very controlling and I didn't have the resources to step out and do my own thing so I felt so tied and like there was no way out for me.

 

Fortunately, I found what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life and started chasing after it in small ways. That changed my life. I am not near where I need to be but I am on the path that will get me there and that makes every day a blessing. It's not that hard to figure out what you should be doing. Look at your life, the things that really interest you. What is it that you would do for free? When you are completely broke, what is it that you'll still find money to do? What gets you excited? You may thing that there's no future in that but you would be surprised. Good luck

[burdened]

every response that u give is just making everything clearer and clearer! thanks and hope ull keep em coming..

 

i emotionally got over the thought about going to college and my parents having to pay for it. i thought that if i wont be blessed with a college education then, fine! i can be a "street smart"! if i could save enough for it later then i can be a lawyer all on my own. and if my boyfriend's family wouldnt accept me because i wasnt able to get a college degree then, fine also!! he said it all along "it not them that ur going to marry, its me!"

 

ive also started to apply for jobs in my homecountry (hopefully ill get some calls) via the internet. and i can also afford to book a flight now, but one problem is that i only have enough money to make it to where im going to stay, do you think that asking my parents for 1 or 200 just to help me start off while waiting for job interviews be a good idea? im not sure if its going to spark another fight, even if i ask "politely"..

 

about the money making thing, well, i paint and draw and some friends say that im gonna make money out of it but ive never tried it because i dont know where to start and practically, i dont think that im in the crowd that will pay money to buy a local's artwork..

 

what do you think?

[kypepeo]

Seems to me like you are on the right track. Your making moves based on what you want and facing reality when it comes to those things that you can't get. that's really nice. Ask your parents for the money. What do you have to lose. You'll never know until you try. Let them see that this is something you have thought through. As for the paintings, don't put yourself down. It's always better to do all that you can and then see where the road leads. You never know what opportunity may come knocking. Your friends have seen your potential. Explore it. It's better to be prepared and lack opportunity than to have an opportunity and lack preparation. It's been really nice talking to you. I know you are on the right track now. I'm still here if you need to talk some more.