Will my life ever go back to normal again?

[Patna]

I'm a MW, just started NC with my exMM for e 6th day. This is my 3rd time in 2 months trying to start NC, the first two times I eventually gave in cuz he kept reaching out to me daily. The longest I'd ever been successful was only 3 weeks.

 

This time, we had a major quarrel & it was my fault cuz I vented out all my frustrations of our relationship again at him despite him being in a very stressful period because of his work. The past few months he had been very patient with me even though I'll bring those typical A issues out and vent it on him almost every few days. This time, he got really upset and went cold turkey on me. We had a Dday last dec and his wife blocked me on his mobile since then. But he'll unblocked me everyday when he leaves the house for work and blocked me again when he reaches home. Since our last quarrel, he has never unblocked me nor contacted me. He has never left me alone for so long before, and he'll always unblock me everyday even when we had very bad arguments before. So I guess this time is really final.

 

Honestly, I have very mixed feelings & it's driving me crazy. On one hand, I miss him like crazy and don't feel like doing anything except crying for the loss of our relationship. On the other hand, I felt relieved that it's finally over, that I can be free of all the emotional roller coasters in future, and really work on true R with my hubby and give all my attention to my family who deserves it better. I'm an emotional wreck now.

 

Because of all the raw emotions I'm feeling, I have to distanced myself emotionally away from my H, and this is not the way to true R. My H knows about my A but he had forgiven me and has finally been putting in a lot of efforts especially the past one month. Sex with my H has been difficult for me since my A, especially since Dday last Dec. In fact I dread it now.

 

I'm so afraid I can never get over my feelings for my exMM and that it will always stand in the way in loving back my H to the same intensity as before my A. I don't know if I will ever enjoy sex with my H again without thinking of exMM. I don't know when can I ever be free emotionally from exMM. When will I stop missing exMM? After Dday, I realised H is the one who really loves me and treasure me, and I know I want to be with my H, so I should work towards R.

 

I struggle with keeping NC as I miss him like crazy. I could call him on his mobile using my home or office line phone because only my mobile number has been blocked, but I haven't done that yet. I hope I'm strong enough to keep NC this time. I'm tired of being ruled by my emotions. I have seen how toxic this A had been in my life and the emotional roller coasters and low self esteem it brought to me. I am no longer that independent bubbly woman since the A.

[Owl]

Patna...where does your H stand on the subject of your affair?

 

Has he become an accountability partner that can help you NOT contact OM when you're feeling weak?

 

Is there any risk that he is getting tired of the waffling back and forth, and you might lose him as a result of your affair?

 

If not...that's part of your problem. The best way to remove your focus off of OM is by ensuring your focus on fixing the marriage if you risk losing your husband.

 

If your H doesn't know...he needs to. He deserves to.

 

He should have the choice of continuing the marriage or not in light of all the information. He should have the choice to fight for your marriage, to help you deal with what you're going through....or to end it and walk away if that's what he wants as well.

 

I don't recall your previous posts...but truthfully, I think that's where you should start.

[Patna]

I confessed to my H on New Year day actually as I wanted to start a fresh new year with H. He reacted very calmly and still is. He told me he didn't want to know the details as he said all these are in the past and he is only concerned about how should we move on from here. In fact he didn't even want to know who my exMM was but I insisted on telling him because I felt he deserves to know the truth. Thereafter, he said he would had prefer me not to tell. Although he knew I love my exMM, he had no knowledge of the extent of the intensity and that I still miss him.

 

He agreed that for most part of our M, he had neglected me as he's often away at work so this year he did work on being at home more. We don't really talk much anymore over the years, and he has been working on that. The only thing is he isn't very consistent. In the first month, I can see him working on these. Then he became comfortable and went back to his old ways after that for a few months.

 

I was quite disappointed as I believed that the first few months were very crucial to our R and that's when we should spend the most time together. My good friend told me men just take longer and a lot of reminders sometimes, but I'm not someone who nags. Maybe I had also resigned myself to the situation that this is how he is. He need to travel overseas for work for an entire month soon, and I dread it. He kept telling me he had to do it which I understand is his job requirement, but it just made me felt worst because he had to be away during a period I needed him the most. It's a struggle for me, because I want to be supportive in his work, but I actually needed his emotional and even physical support too.

 

The past two months, I had withdrawn emotionally from him because of all those emotional roller coasters I'm going through (with 2 unsuccessful NC). I didn't want to upload to him about how much I'm missing exMM and my struggles, and didn't want him to sense it, so I had to distance myself from him. I guess he could sense something was wrong though, because he became very attentive the past one month. I am very touched that he had forgiven me and treated me more than what I deserves recently. I want to be close to him again, but how can I when I cannot share so many things with him anymore? How am I suppose to hurt him further by telling him the truth that I'm hurting right now because I miss exMM. Confessing the A is one thing, but confessing that I still love my exMM even after so many months is another thing... How can I do that? I'm afraid that this emotional barrier will come between us forever.

[2sunny]

I'm sure your H feels your continued emotional distance.

 

Just tell him how you feel.

[Owl]

Patna, I'm reminded of another poster who's spouse reacted similarly to yours. Instead of reacting with hurt and anger like most men do, he reacted only with sympathy, and even interest in her being with another man.

 

She's in a similar boat as you at this point as well, and it causes me to wonder if this kind of response from a BH is actually the worst one to get.

 

Here's what I posted, and I think that it may apply to your situation as well. I get that your H doesn't display the same 'interest', but he does still display the LACK of response that this other poster's H displayed.

 

I like Snowflower's post.

 

Here's a summary that might apply here. I've said it many times to men who were betrayed by their wives, and recommend that they consider this as part of their recovery process.

 

Women cannot respect a man that they can mistreat. They can't respect a man that they can treat like a doormat. They can't respect a man that accepts disrespectful behavior/treatment.

 

And...a woman cannot maintain romantic love for a man she can't respect.

 

That's why so many guys find themselves friendzoned. They believe that by being the guy she can go to for anything, they'll win her heart. They don't realize that by not setting some decent boundaries in acceptable behavior...they ruin her respect for him, and therefore the chance for romantic love with her.

 

I think that your husband's passive acceptance (and enjoyment???) of your affair is both symptom and cause of your lack of romantic feelings for him.

[WasOtherWoman]

Owl - truer words have never been spoken.

 

I would walk all over a man if I were able, then be disgusted by his doormat behavior and even more disgusted by my own behavior in actually doing this.

Just general "badness" all around.

 

I am well aware just exactly what my husband will and will not tolerate of my nonsense and I respect the heck out of him for it.

[Patna]

Owl, I don't know if what you had said is true because I seriously hadn't given it much thoughts about before. But I had often wished H would had 'fight' for our relationship more, even though I was clearly in the wrong for cheating. It's his attitude about things in his life and the way he manages them often gave me the impression that I'm not that important to him. I had shared with him before but he said it's not true but just the way his character is. Very peace loving, calm, etc. and I used to think it was these character of his that gave me the stability of our relationship. Maybe that's why I always get drawn back by exMM when he reaches out to me during NC... It seems exMM is making the more effective deposits in my love bank. But that is toxic deposit of course. I had over the past months learnt who really truly love me.

[Owl]

Owl, I don't know if what you had said is true because I seriously hadn't given it much thoughts about before. But I had often wished H would had 'fight' for our relationship more, even though I was clearly in the wrong for cheating. It's his attitude about things in his life and the way he manages them often gave me the impression that I'm not that important to him. I had shared with him before but he said it's not true but just the way his character is. Very peace loving, calm, etc. and I used to think it was these character of his that gave me the stability of our relationship. Maybe that's why I always get drawn back by exMM when he reaches out to me during NC... It seems exMM is making the more effective deposits in my love bank. But that is toxic deposit of course. I had over the past months learnt who really truly love me.

 

You know he loves you...and I don't doubt you.

 

The problem is...how he comes across to you doesn't help foster your romantic love for him.

 

Like you said...you wish he'd fight to save the marriage.

 

He doesn't think he needs to.

 

What he doesn't realize is that if he doesn't...you're not likely to retain your love for him.

 

I'd suggest you spell out to him what I posted here. Explain that to him, tell him why you need him to fight for you...or else he'll lose you.

[Patna]

Owl, thanks so much for your reply. It helps to see my situation better from another person's perspectives.

 

Sometimes I feel silly though... I'm the one who made the mistake yet expecting my H to make an effort in the M to work? How unreasonable and greedy can I be? Thanks for understanding. I guess ultimately, it's every woman's dream to be able to lean on their H for everything and let them carry their burdens for them once in a while. This A made this impossible, but I hope one day, that day will come again when I could.

[sisa]

Hi Patna,

 

your post is really honest, I wish you find peace in the end.

and you are lucky that have husband who willing company you during this period.

 

It seems exMM is making the more effective deposits in my love bank. But that is toxic deposit of course. I had over the past months learnt who really truly love me.

 

may I know how finally you learn that your husband is the one truly love you.

 

I think your MM treat you very well during these years and that's why you get attach on him for long, how make you finally think that MM's love for you is toxic and not true.

 

I admit affair is wrong, but I can tell very honest that my love for the exMM is truly and I really want to build life with him together. It's really sad that now I know he might think my love is toxic.

 

only love with the commitment is true? so his wife truly love him becasue she is wife and my love for him is not true becasue I am OW?

[Patna]

may I know how finally you learn that your husband is the one truly love you.

 

I think your MM treat you very well during these years and that's why you get attach on him for long, how make you finally think that MM's love for you is toxic and not true.

 

I admit affair is wrong, but I can tell very honest that my love for the exMM is truly and I really want to build life with him together. It's really sad that now I know he might think my love is toxic.

 

only love with the commitment is true? so his wife truly love him becasue she is wife and my love for him is not true becasue I am OW?

 

I knew my husband really loves me a lot because his was unconditional love. He forgave me and never once condemned me because of my cheating.

 

I know my exMM loves me too but never was it unconditional love. He loves me at his convenience. When the tough gets going, that's when he shuts off and withdraws. I became the doormat. I cannot blame him for the emotional roller coaster because they will always come along with such relationships. The jealousy, feeling of being used, neglected, not important enough, self worth, esteem issues are natural. These were my issues but he never really helped me go through it. He just withdraws and then comes back as if nothing has happened each time. I know my hubby would have sit through the storms with me.

 

I don't think your love for him was not true. I love my exMM and I know my love for him is real. I'm sure he's aware your feelings were true too. But I'll also remember he said this to me once, a man will always have his commitment to his wife. In the beginning, he used to tell me he felt closer to me than to his wife. But after his Dday last Dec, I realise no matter how close he felt, it can never beat his love for his wife. His love for his wife is stronger than his for me, because of this commitment and their shared history. So no matter how much I love him, it will never be enough to 'win' him over.

 

I learnt through the hard way that we can love more than one person at a time, but woman most often fail at this. Because in order to love one more, we have to love the other lesser. But man, they can love both at the same time without affecting his love for them.

[Owl]

I learnt through the hard way that we can love more than one person at a time, but woman most often fail at this. Because in order to love one more, we have to love the other lesser. But man, they can love both at the same time without affecting his love for them.

 

I disagree that men can do so any better than women. I think it's pretty true for both sides...the more you invest in one relationship, the less you invest in the other.

 

Or as my wife told her OM..."I think I'm falling out of love with him, and more in love with you.".

 

It was that lessening of her investment in our relationship that was my 'tip off' that something was critically wrong.

 

Luckily, it absolutely works when turned around as well. Start investing more in your relationship with your H, and you absolutely can find your feelings of love returning, greater than you'd think could happen while you're in the A.

 

It may be 'unreasonable' that you have to ask your H to help rebuild the marriage after your affair...but it's what commonly has to happen.

 

Don't be afraid to tell him what you need from him.