My story a year and a half after being completely heartbroken.

[Ben Dover]

*I had posted this before but made some changes to it. Feel I should share this version with all you. I wrote this from a dudes perspective but this really applies to women as well**

 

Let me make something very clear for all the people dealing with a broken heart right now. There is no sure way to get an ex back. Believe me I’ve looked everywhere for one. I even checked Amazon, because they have everything. NOPE. I was just like all you here, completely shattered after my breakup. Broken. Down and out. I literally felt a pain in my chest. I couldn't sleep. On every single breakup forum on the internet all day long looking for an answer to fix this unreal pain I was feeling in my chest. I was lost. No matter what anybody said I didn't care, I just wanted her back and nothing was going to stop me. I would have done ANYTHING just to have my ex back. Sound a little familiar? Most of you have been hearing about NO CONTACT. Let me tell you right now, NC doesn't guarantee 100% that he/she will come back. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT think this will absolutely for sure bring your ex back. However I can guarantee you one thing from experience.... NC is your best shot at getting them back.

 

When I mean NC, I mean literally zero contact with the ex. No communication whatsoever. Not even checking their Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, blah blah blah. NOTHING. You have no idea how important this is for your recovery to never ever check up on them when you’re broken up. I know most of you will anyways, cause curiosity just gets the best of us and were in a vulnerable state. I get it. I was there, I made that stupid mistake and boy was that STUPID. I saw things I didn't want to see. It was like shooting myself in the foot. If you do it, you WILL REGRET IT. DON'T DO IT. I'm trying to save yourself from the pain that it WILL cause you. NC will be the hardest thing you'll probably do to date. But trust me it's the only way to fully move on with your life.

 

You all know NC is the only way to go but you don’t wanna hear it. You don’t wanna go that route. You tell yourself …

 

“There must be some other way to get them back, right?! I can’t completely cut them off they were my best friend for the last X amount of years! We talked every single day! I just can’t. I’m too nice to do that. What if she/he forgets about me and starts dating other people and I’m forgotten about forever?! What if this backfires on me?!"

 

Well guess what? They broke up with you. IT’S OVER. They would rather be single than be with you. I can guarantee you after a breakup he/she will continue talking to other people and continue to enjoy life. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE. This is about you and only you. The only thing that’s gonna rush them into talking to new prospects for dating is if you start to BEG THEM AND BUG THEM TO COME BACK TO YOU AND WORK THINGS OUT. This is a classic mistake. I made this mistake and looking back I feel like such an idiot for doing that. Every person who has ever done this thinks back to it and says OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I didn’t know any better. It was my first heartbreak and it was a natural instinct to try and fight for something you don't want to let go of. But man did I look pathetic begging for her back. If you’ve started the NC process good for you! High 5! Keep it up. For those thinking about breaking NC, you know you shouldn't. DON'T DO IT. Trust me, if it blows up in your face (AND THERE IS A VERY VERY GOOD CHANCE NOTHING COMES OUT OF YOU CONTACTING THEM, YOU ARENT GOING TO CONVINCE THEM TO HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART) you go alllllll the way back to DAY 1 of the NC process. Think about how far you've come. Don't go back to day 1. IT SUCKS REALLY BAD. Literally the moment I broke NC months ago, I instantly regretted it. The moment I pressed send. DON'T DO IT. Guess what? I broke NC and she didn't want me back annnnnd I felt exactly how I did the day she broke up with me. IF THEY WANT YOU BACK, IT'LL BE AFTER MONTHS AND MONTHS. SOMETIMES EVEN YEARS BECAUSE PEOPLE CHANGE AFTER EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME. Seriously, are they going to have a change of heart after two weeks? 1 month? Think about it. Who does that? After awhile of NC, you'll start to notice a change. After a few months my vision wasn't so blurred anymore. I took her off that pedestal. I didn't blame myself for everything that caused the breakup anymore. I got to see where things went wrong in the relationship on her side and my side. I was thinking of her less and less. This will happen with you. You'll slowly but surely start being yourself again and feeling better about yourself. Your life will start to get back on track. BUT!!! This can only be done through NO CONTACT, not LITTLE CONTACT. Remember that. TIME REALLY DOES HEAL EVERYTHING. Well, time and NO CONTACT.

 

 

**I see so many people posting "should I send a letter to my ex?" Things of that nature. Wanting closure or to make one last attempt at reconciliation. Truth is, after my breakup I sent this longggg text to my ex spilling my heart out to her hoping it would change her mind. IT DIDNT. But it did help me move on. It took that to finally get it through my head that it's OVER even though I already knew it was over. I needed to see proof that it was over. I was too stubborn to believe it was really over. Sometimes we need stuff like that to slap us in the face so we can just let go and know we did everything we could to save the relationship. I feel a lot of you can relate. So for those of you wanting to send a letter or something like that I say GO FOR IT AND DO IT ASAP. If you're thinking about it I'm pretty sure you were gonna do it anyways. I'm not telling every heartbroken person reading this to send one, but for those who are thinking about it go ahead and do it. Spill your heart out. Send a long email or text or a letter delivered by a bird. Anything you want. Send it and see what happens. I can almost guarantee you it won't change anything but if thats what it takes for you to realize its over DO IT and do it NOW. Ok back to the rant....**

 

 

RULE OF THUMB!

 

1) DONT EVER INITIATE CONTACT WITH AN EX (UNLESS YOU HAVE KIDS)

2) STOP TRYING TO FIND THE SMALL/USELESS REASONS TO CONTACT THEM.

3) DON'T INVITE THEM TO MEETUP FOR COFFEE OR HOT POCKETS

4) DO NO CONTACT FOR YOURSELF AND NOT TO GET THEM BACK. IT WON'T WORK

 

Getting over somebody and moving on is a serious commitment. Relationships are a lot like sand in your hand. Just visualize yourself holding sand in your hand. What happens when you try to squeeze the sand in your hand? It slips through your fingers. Like when you're squeezing on to the last thread of your relationship. Trying to save it. What happens when you let the sand just sit there in your hand? It stays there. You don’t lose it. NEVER FORCE A RELATIONSHIP. That is exactly what is happening with you and your ex. Don’t force it. Let him/her be. No squeezing of the sand.

 

Going into NC I really had the hopes that it would bring her back. That after a few months she would be crying at my doorsteps saying “Ben Dover I made a huge mistake and I want you back. Please take me back, I even brought you tacos and a slurpee and I promise to watch sports with you all day all the time”. Pretty much what we all wish for right? Truth is NC changed me as a person. Like I said, it made me realize all the problems in the relationship. We all played a role in the breakup and that’s just the truth. REMEMBER THIS. You’re gonna wanna blame yourself for everything like I did. But it really wasn’t. I did this and it was so unhealthy. Both people are responsible for the breakup. So I started to ask myself "what do I need to improve about myself? What should have I done differently?” and this leads me to my next point...

 

This is the most important thing I want you to take away from this rant/thread. KEEP PUSHING FORWARD AND EVOLVE. NEVER BE CONTENT. GROW. That's the best advice I can give any of you. Become an even better person. Use this breakup as a fire. Let that fire inside of you get bigger and bigger and motivate you to become the best YOU that you can be. Don't be the same person you were when things ended. Think about this...Do you really wanna be the same exact person that you were when your ex broke up with you? Seriously think about it. We're all at some fault for our breakups and we need to accept that. Do something to change that. Do it for yourself though. When you really start fixing problems from within yourself, your life will change for the better. Your confidence and self esteem will start to raise again or even to an all time high and women/men WILL pick up on this. Trust me. There's nothing women/men love more than confidence. Right? Everybody is attracted to confidence. NC made me realize so many things I wanted to change about myself. It was a BLESSING IN DISGUISE and I believe for a lot of people thats what breakups are. I truly believe this. The next woman I meet is going to get the best Ben Dover there has ever been. No woman is gonna stop me from becoming everything I wanna become. All my ex did was motivate me even more. I love myself more than I ever have and it feels amazing.

 

This next part, I want you to read very carefully because I believe a lot of people are in this stage with their ex right now. Don't be like me. Don't be a doormat for your ex. DON'T GET STRUNG ALONG AFTER YOUR BREAKUP. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN THIS AFTER A BREAKUP. Don't let them keep contacting you after the breakup. Don't let her use you as a PLAN B just in case her new guy breaks up with her, or she gets lonely for a night or is just bored. THIS HAPPENS A LOT AFTER BREAK UPS. A LOT MORE THAN YOU THINK. The dumper will contact the dumpee just to see if he/she has control over the dumpee. To see if they still have the dumpee wrapped around their finger just in case they might need some attention or an ego boost. They send a pathetic text message like HEY, HOW ARE YA? You know how many times my ex said "I miss you so much" or some random text about her thinking about me. But when it came to getting back together she always said "I need to be single right now". Lucky me right? Don’t let your ex suck you back in because if they really want to be with you, TRUST ME THEY WOULD BE WITH YOU. THEY WILL MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THEY WANT YOU BACK. I got strung along badddd. Don’t be me guys. I was her emotional crutch for wayyyy too long and it gave me false hope. Guess what happened? It blew up in my face and after a few months I went alllll the way back to how I felt the day we broke up. I was completely crushed. Is that what you want? Trust me, you DO NOT WANT TO EXPERIENCE THAT. This held me back from recovering BIG TIME.

 

The one thing I regret the most about all this was not going NO CONTACT literally the day she broke up with me. I was a total idiot by allowing her to text me all the time and responding to every single text. Once I cut her off and didn't respond anymore. That's when she started getting desperate. Point is, ACTIONS WILL ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Anybody can send texts and say things like I miss you and blah blah blah. If they want you back at some point, they will go out of their way to fix things if they want you back. TRUST ME.

 

The universe has a crazy way of working. Sounds lame and cheesy but it is sooooo true. This is something common in breakup stories...Once I started going out, meeting tons of girls, going on dates, becoming intimate again, and had my confidence at an all time high....guess who came back? Anybody wanna guess? Anybody? Yup you know who. I'm not saying this will happen in every relationship but it happens pretty often. Dumpers have like a sixth sense and know when the dumpee is getting over them so they jump back into the picture. It's crazy. If this happens to you, take things very slow if you even wish to reconcile at this point. Do not jump right back into it. Make your ex work for it. Let them prove to you they want you.

 

 

Another thing I want you guys to know is that when I was going out and meeting new girls, I realized something...

 

 

THERE ARE A LOT OF REALLY COOL AND BEAUTIFUL CHICKS OUT THERE.

 

Its important to grieve the breakup. I did for about two months.Thats fine, its healthy. Then start your path to recovery and be serious about it. Don't half-ass it. But man I can't tell you how much going out and meeting new women helped me heal when I felt ready to get back out there. I'm not saying go out and try having sex with every new prospect you meet. But just go out and socialize. Approach more women. Flirt. This will help with your confidence. My confidence was at an all time low after the breakup but by doing this is starting getting back up there and eventually got to an all time high. If you get the chance to be intimate, it's your call. You'll realize there are definitely some great girls out there. YOUR EX ISN'T THE ONLY ONE. After a breakup we tend to think our ex is the best woman in the world and nobody can ever replace her. HAHA I thought that too, but you'll see what I mean when you give it a try. I'll say it again. YOUR EX ISN'T THE ONLY AMAZING GIRL OUT THERE.

 

You'll get to a point where you're gonna stop feeling sorry for yourself and want to get on with life. After my breakup I lived it up. I started going all sorts of things I never did before and things I stopped doing while in the relationship. I said screw it. I know my ex is enjoying life, so I will too. By staying busy as much as I can it helped me recover so much faster. I’m telling you, breakups a lot of times are really blessings in disguise. Make the most of this. Keep growing. I started going to the gym and lifting like crazy, now I'm only a semi-girly man. it's awesome I feel great and people are noticing. I also started reading self-help books. They're awesome. Started playing basketball again. Started playing poker again. Doing everything I love. It's an amazing feeling guys. I just want you all to feel like this.

 

BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS. THE PAIN, THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. ONE DAY YOU'RE GREAT! NEXT DAY YOU'RE STARING AT YOUR PHONE PRAYING TO GET A TEXT OR CALL FROM YOUR EX. IT WAS THE TOUGHEST THING I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH TO THIS DAY. BUT IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD I PROMISE YOU THIS.

 

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I know for most of you it doesn't seem like there is cause your completely heartbroken, but trust me it's there. Don't give up.

 

For those of you sticking to NC keep it up. Trust me when I say this, YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Do it to heal and move past this relationship. Grow from it. As much as this heartbreak hurt (and believe me it was the most pain I've ever gone through)... I'm so thankful for it and actually glad it happened. I learned and grew so much from it. I'm a wayyy better person because of it.

 

I really hope you guys learned something from this. I just wanted to give back this forum that helped me so much at the beginning of my heartbreak. I'm just trying to help. I was exactly where most of you are right now. Trust me it gets better, when YOU want it to be better. You decide when things get better. Only you. Don't forget that.

 

 

LAST THING!

If none of you have seen the movie "Swingers" I highly suggest you do. It's an amazing breakup movie. Go check it out NOW. You'll thank me later.

[newenglandkid]

Dude thank you so much for posting this, it's exactly what I needed to hear. I'll give a quick rundown of my story and how I'm doing:

 

Ex gf and I started dating a year and a half ago, everything was great between is. We only lived a mile apart so we spent A LOT of time together (like every night practically), however because we spent so much time together we would get in small arguments over stupid stuff. But in the end we always made up and still loved and cared for each other. Fast forward to a month and a half ago, ex goes on a trip to California (business) by herself. I stayed in regular contact with her and thought nothing of it. Then about 2 weeks later, right after I graduated with my Masters, she drops the bombshell that she wants to breakup, she loves me but can't be with me right now. All the arguments took a toll etc. I was DEVASTATED. I immediately went on LS and implemented NC after the first week. But of course she would text me from time to time and stupidly I'd respond, and while it made me happy to hear from her and gave me a little false hope that she may want to try this again, I was left feeling desperate.

 

Fast forward to this weekend, she is on a family vacation this week and she sent me snapchats of her on vacation (again I stupidly responded). Then on Tuesday I finally presented her with the choice of trying to work us out or not. She said that while she loves me and cares for me and always will, she can't be with me right now. Again devastated but I said ok and planned on NC. Well the next day I found out she went to a tequila bar and for some reason decided to ask her if everything she said last night was true and her only response was if I met anyone yet. I said no, have you? OF COURSE SHE DID. 3 weeks post BU she "met" someone, she claimed that she wasn't looking for anybody it just "happened".

 

I'm sitting here right now, just devastated and confused. I have now committed to NC now because I know I can't talk to her especially if she's talking with another guy. I have also deactivated all my social media sites, because we still remained friends post BU, but I know right now I can't handle seeing her with this other guy.

 

I know this other guys sounds like a rebound and I keep trying to remind myself of that. But I'm trying to focus on myself, I think NC will work and I'm hoping that with time she's gonna realize how good she had it with me (because I treated her like a QUEEN, seriously you have no idea).

 

Should I take any stock in her saying that she will always love me, care about me etc but can't be with me right now? Or is she just trying to ease me down or make herself feel less guilty?

[seminoles84]

Newenglandkid, she's letting you down easy. I would say 80% of our ex's said the same thing.

 

Ben - enjoyed this and your last thread. It's very inspiring and a good reality check. Thank you.

[erklat]

Or is she just trying to ease me down or make herself feel less guilty?

 

This. Take it no more than it is, one of the lame cliché excuses for

her not to appear as bad person.

 

@op I usually don't read such rants or read the first and the last paragraph, but you're

right all the way. You described my breakup story and you're also right to

the letter. Great post.

[newenglandkid]

So then would I be crazy to think that someday we could end up back together?

[orangetree]

Great post, thank you!

 

I can absolutely relate to that. Today is day 24 of NC with my ex. He hasn't tried to contact me and I haven't contacted him. I went NC directly when he broke up with me. I feel a bit better than two weeks ago.Still wondering though if he will ever contact me again.

 

What I didn't get from your post though- Did your ex come crawling back? What happened?

[Ben Dover]

So then would I be crazy to think that someday we could end up back together?

 

As somebody else said, they only say things like I love you post breakup so they don't feel bad about tearing your heart out. It only took her three weeks to basically meet some new dude? Wow. What a gal. Even sending you snapchats post breakup? Cold as ice! This new guy could be a rebound or she could marry the dude. Nobody knows and it doesn't matter anymore. The only thing that matters is you getting past this relationship.

 

I know it takes a few times for us to get burned for us realize that NO CONTACT is truly the only way to go, but I'm glad you see that now. Especially with some new dude in the picture. I'm rooting for ya man

[Ben Dover]

Great post, thank you!

 

I can absolutely relate to that. Today is day 24 of NC with my ex. He hasn't tried to contact me and I haven't contacted him. I went NC directly when he broke up with me. I feel a bit better than two weeks ago.Still wondering though if he will ever contact me again.

 

What I didn't get from your post though- Did your ex come crawling back? What happened?

 

Day 24 eh? Great! Keep it up.

 

Just remember this is truly an emotional roller coaster so be prepared for those good and bad days. Fight the urge to contact him. You'll definitely regret it if ya do.

 

It did slip my mind to add what happened. So here it is..

 

We got back together. A little less than 6 months of complete NC. Took things slow but didn't take it slow enough. Guess what happened? Same issues came around as the first time which led to us breaking up again. Most on her part and this I'm positive of. She broke up with me actually. BUT, this time around I know I did everything in my power to make it work. I put 100% into the relationship the 2nd time around but still didn't work out. I felt a lot better about the breakup this time knowing I did my part. When I think back though, I see that the person she was the 2nd time around wasn't the person I fell in love with. She's somebody different now. Thats why this breakup just didn't hurt as bad. Plus knowing I gave it my all really helped to heal faster. People change. We grow. I know I was a great boyfriend and did my best so I can sleep fine at night. Me and my ex just aren't compatible anymore. If I ever even thought about reconciliation it would have to be after a longggg time of NC. People just don't change overnight and thats what people need to understand. I've accepted it. I hardlyyyyy ever think about her. I've actually met a great woman and its going well. We'll see what happens.

[newenglandkid]

Right man! So cold! Anyway after another session with my therapist I am the most confident about doing NC. My therapist put it nicely when she said, she clearly hasn't digested the magnitude of the breakup and sooner or later she's gonna have to face those demons.

 

I'm not gonna lie it put a smile on my face

[newenglandkid]

Day 24 eh? Great! Keep it up.

 

Just remember this is truly an emotional roller coaster so be prepared for those good and bad days. Fight the urge to contact him. You'll definitely regret it if ya do.

 

It did slip my mind to add what happened. So here it is..

 

We got back together. A little less than 6 months of complete NC. Took things slow but didn't take it slow enough. Guess what happened? Same issues came around as the first time which led to us breaking up again. Most on her part and this I'm positive of. She broke up with me actually. BUT, this time around I know I did everything in my power to make it work. I put 100% into the relationship the 2nd time around but still didn't work out. I felt a lot better about the breakup this time knowing I did my part. When I think back though, I see that the person she was the 2nd time around wasn't the person I fell in love with. She's somebody different now. Thats why this breakup just didn't hurt as bad. Plus knowing I gave it my all really helped to heal faster. People change. We grow. I know I was a great boyfriend and did my best so I can sleep fine at night. Me and my ex just aren't compatible anymore. If I ever even thought about reconciliation it would have to be after a longggg time of NC. People just don't change overnight and thats what people need to understand. I've accepted it. I hardlyyyyy ever think about her. I've actually met a great woman and its going well. We'll see what happens.

 

 

 

Man even hearing that, is inspirational. I hope there comes a day when my ex comes crawling back. It'll be an interesting decision for future Mr. NewEnglandKid. But I can't focus or think about that right now, all I can do is work on myself. Thanks Ben dover

[Griesfootball]

It is great to read a reminder like this. Before reading this I felt like I have no worth

[gj13]

I really wish I had read this before. Actually just really wish I'd read about NC wayyyyy before. Thank you for your post. Unfortunately, it took me 5 months to understand that NC was the only way to go I feel completely stupid for not doing it before, seriously stupid.

 

We broke up on January and kept talking, texting even SEEING each other. Hell i even travelled abroad for the guy only to realize now that I'd been his emotional blanket all along. Went NC after he told me he'd met someone and that they would start going out and he was willing it give it a go. Never felt worse in my life. Still, someday i really want to have another shot but i know that right now we can't. I just think that if had gone NC since january right now I'd be in a much different place, and probably he would've contacted me now... hell maybe he wouldn't have met anyone, since he'd been forced to actually DEAL with the breakup mess instead of letting go slowly...

[orangetree]

 

It did slip my mind to add what happened. So here it is..

 

We got back together. A little less than 6 months of complete NC. Took things slow but didn't take it slow enough. Guess what happened? Same issues came around as the first time which led to us breaking up again. Most on her part and this I'm positive of. She broke up with me actually. BUT, this time around I know I did everything in my power to make it work. I put 100% into the relationship the 2nd time around but still didn't work out. I felt a lot better about the breakup this time knowing I did my part. When I think back though, I see that the person she was the 2nd time around wasn't the person I fell in love with. She's somebody different now. Thats why this breakup just didn't hurt as bad. Plus knowing I gave it my all really helped to heal faster. People change. We grow. I know I was a great boyfriend and did my best so I can sleep fine at night. Me and my ex just aren't compatible anymore. If I ever even thought about reconciliation it would have to be after a longggg time of NC. People just don't change overnight and thats what people need to understand. I've accepted it. I hardlyyyyy ever think about her. I've actually met a great woman and its going well. We'll see what happens.

 

 

 

 

Wow, I can relate so much to that. Actually my ex broke up with me for the first time last year in May. I went no contact and he contacted me again, telling me that he loves and misses me and wants to try again. So after two months we got back together, after we had a long talk about what went wrong and what we wanna do better in the future.

 

He told me what bothered him most about me was that I didn't take care of his apartment (we lived together at that time, he's pretty much a neat freak and hated it when I didn't clean the dishes directly) and he said that he hates it when we get angry at each other and don't talk for hours.

Guess what- I changed that. Even though we didn't continue to live together I took care of his house (we were at his apt most of the time). I directly cleaned the dishes, cleaned his whole apartment with him 6h(!) in the middle of the night because the tubes broke and the whole apt was flooded, I cooked for him sometimes and I even stayed a couple of days alone at his apt to watch the workers (they put in a new floors, worked on the roof etc.) because he had to work.

Also, when we had arguments I always tried to talk to him about it directly. I wasn't silent anymore, I tried to address the issue and talk. It didn't bring anything. Every time I tried to talk he would just get more angry, completely shut me out and didn't talk to me anymore.

 

So I changed the things he said he didn't like- While he didn't work on himself at all. He seemed to be perfectly happy with me til he broke up again. We even went on a vacation together just a day before he broke up. We were very much compatable, but he never accepted that and always looked for problems. It was never good enough for him. This is why it never worked and will never work.

 

Later I also found out that in the past he has had around 15 girlfriends. 15! And with almost two years together I was his longest relationship. And he's only 30. For me this just screams he has a big problem.

[OwMyEyeball]

The more posts I see like this the more it seems that "love is a drug" and I'd rather not get hooked on it again. And I mean the "desirous attachment" kind of love. Not compassionate love; i.e. love without expectation.

 

Looking at it now I've got so many more career options and life choices available to me now that I don't have to concern myself with satisfying the future my ex and I had sketched out. And it's not as if she was pushing me to corner myself, I was doing it to myself, for her, out of "love".

 

Yikes!

 

I'm young, talented, intelligent, pretty good looking, tall, athletic and poised in a very good career for my age. And as my self-confidence begins to heal I'll also be witty, charming, intriguing and much more extroverted.

 

That all sounds very boastful, and it is. But it's good to let out when only a few weeks ago I would have struggled to find one good word to describe myself. Self-esteem was shot.

 

I'm 3 weeks NC and going strong. The hurt comes less often, with less intensity and sticks around for less time. And I know that if I can keep NC up, it'll eventually all go away.

 

Thanks for your post. It's always good to read these kinds of motivational and inspiring posts.

 

I believe the "It'll be fine!" posts are greatly outnumbered by the "I'm still heartbroken after xx months/years" because those who are doing OK or better find no reason to come to this section of the forum in the first place. That's to be expected, of course. But I need to remind myself of that from time to time when perusing through these threads.

[Ben Dover]

I really wish I had read this before. Actually just really wish I'd read about NC wayyyyy before. Thank you for your post. Unfortunately, it took me 5 months to understand that NC was the only way to go I feel completely stupid for not doing it before, seriously stupid.

 

We broke up on January and kept talking, texting even SEEING each other. Hell i even travelled abroad for the guy only to realize now that I'd been his emotional blanket all along. Went NC after he told me he'd met someone and that they would start going out and he was willing it give it a go. Never felt worse in my life. Still, someday i really want to have another shot but i know that right now we can't. I just think that if had gone NC since january right now I'd be in a much different place, and probably he would've contacted me now... hell maybe he wouldn't have met anyone, since he'd been forced to actually DEAL with the breakup mess instead of letting go slowly...

 

Oh jeez I can totally relate. 5 months is awhile? Especially now that he's seeing someone else you definitely have to go NC. I'm just glad you see that NC is the way to go.It's time to work on yourself and see what happens down the road You can do it!

[Heartbroken_84]

*I had posted this before but made some changes to it. Feel I should share this version with all you. I wrote this from a dudes perspective but this really applies to women as well**

 

Let me make something very clear for all the people dealing with a broken heart right now. There is no sure way to get an ex back. Believe me I’ve looked everywhere for one. I even checked Amazon, because they have everything. NOPE. I was just like all you here, completely shattered after my breakup. Broken. Down and out. I literally felt a pain in my chest. I couldn't sleep. On every single breakup forum on the internet all day long looking for an answer to fix this unreal pain I was feeling in my chest. I was lost. No matter what anybody said I didn't care, I just wanted her back and nothing was going to stop me. I would have done ANYTHING just to have my ex back. Sound a little familiar? Most of you have been hearing about NO CONTACT. Let me tell you right now, NC doesn't guarantee 100% that he/she will come back. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT think this will absolutely for sure bring your ex back. However I can guarantee you one thing from experience.... NC is your best shot at getting them back.

 

When I mean NC, I mean literally zero contact with the ex. No communication whatsoever. Not even checking their Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, blah blah blah. NOTHING. You have no idea how important this is for your recovery to never ever check up on them when you’re broken up. I know most of you will anyways, cause curiosity just gets the best of us and were in a vulnerable state. I get it. I was there, I made that stupid mistake and boy was that STUPID. I saw things I didn't want to see. It was like shooting myself in the foot. If you do it, you WILL REGRET IT. DON'T DO IT. I'm trying to save yourself from the pain that it WILL cause you. NC will be the hardest thing you'll probably do to date. But trust me it's the only way to fully move on with your life.

 

You all know NC is the only way to go but you don’t wanna hear it. You don’t wanna go that route. You tell yourself …

 

“There must be some other way to get them back, right?! I can’t completely cut them off they were my best friend for the last X amount of years! We talked every single day! I just can’t. I’m too nice to do that. What if she/he forgets about me and starts dating other people and I’m forgotten about forever?! What if this backfires on me?!"

 

Well guess what? They broke up with you. IT’S OVER. They would rather be single than be with you. I can guarantee you after a breakup he/she will continue talking to other people and continue to enjoy life. BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE. This is about you and only you. The only thing that’s gonna rush them into talking to new prospects for dating is if you start to BEG THEM AND BUG THEM TO COME BACK TO YOU AND WORK THINGS OUT. This is a classic mistake. I made this mistake and looking back I feel like such an idiot for doing that. Every person who has ever done this thinks back to it and says OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I didn’t know any better. It was my first heartbreak and it was a natural instinct to try and fight for something you don't want to let go of. But man did I look pathetic begging for her back. If you’ve started the NC process good for you! High 5! Keep it up. For those thinking about breaking NC, you know you shouldn't. DON'T DO IT. Trust me, if it blows up in your face (AND THERE IS A VERY VERY GOOD CHANCE NOTHING COMES OUT OF YOU CONTACTING THEM, YOU ARENT GOING TO CONVINCE THEM TO HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART) you go alllllll the way back to DAY 1 of the NC process. Think about how far you've come. Don't go back to day 1. IT SUCKS REALLY BAD. Literally the moment I broke NC months ago, I instantly regretted it. The moment I pressed send. DON'T DO IT. Guess what? I broke NC and she didn't want me back annnnnd I felt exactly how I did the day she broke up with me. IF THEY WANT YOU BACK, IT'LL BE AFTER MONTHS AND MONTHS. SOMETIMES EVEN YEARS BECAUSE PEOPLE CHANGE AFTER EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME. Seriously, are they going to have a change of heart after two weeks? 1 month? Think about it. Who does that? After awhile of NC, you'll start to notice a change. After a few months my vision wasn't so blurred anymore. I took her off that pedestal. I didn't blame myself for everything that caused the breakup anymore. I got to see where things went wrong in the relationship on her side and my side. I was thinking of her less and less. This will happen with you. You'll slowly but surely start being yourself again and feeling better about yourself. Your life will start to get back on track. BUT!!! This can only be done through NO CONTACT, not LITTLE CONTACT. Remember that. TIME REALLY DOES HEAL EVERYTHING. Well, time and NO CONTACT.

 

 

**I see so many people posting "should I send a letter to my ex?" Things of that nature. Wanting closure or to make one last attempt at reconciliation. Truth is, after my breakup I sent this longggg text to my ex spilling my heart out to her hoping it would change her mind. IT DIDNT. But it did help me move on. It took that to finally get it through my head that it's OVER even though I already knew it was over. I needed to see proof that it was over. I was too stubborn to believe it was really over. Sometimes we need stuff like that to slap us in the face so we can just let go and know we did everything we could to save the relationship. I feel a lot of you can relate. So for those of you wanting to send a letter or something like that I say GO FOR IT AND DO IT ASAP. If you're thinking about it I'm pretty sure you were gonna do it anyways. I'm not telling every heartbroken person reading this to send one, but for those who are thinking about it go ahead and do it. Spill your heart out. Send a long email or text or a letter delivered by a bird. Anything you want. Send it and see what happens. I can almost guarantee you it won't change anything but if thats what it takes for you to realize its over DO IT and do it NOW. Ok back to the rant....**

 

 

RULE OF THUMB!

 

1) DONT EVER INITIATE CONTACT WITH AN EX (UNLESS YOU HAVE KIDS)

2) STOP TRYING TO FIND THE SMALL/USELESS REASONS TO CONTACT THEM.

3) DON'T INVITE THEM TO MEETUP FOR COFFEE OR HOT POCKETS

4) DO NO CONTACT FOR YOURSELF AND NOT TO GET THEM BACK. IT WON'T WORK

 

Getting over somebody and moving on is a serious commitment. Relationships are a lot like sand in your hand. Just visualize yourself holding sand in your hand. What happens when you try to squeeze the sand in your hand? It slips through your fingers. Like when you're squeezing on to the last thread of your relationship. Trying to save it. What happens when you let the sand just sit there in your hand? It stays there. You don’t lose it. NEVER FORCE A RELATIONSHIP. That is exactly what is happening with you and your ex. Don’t force it. Let him/her be. No squeezing of the sand.

 

Going into NC I really had the hopes that it would bring her back. That after a few months she would be crying at my doorsteps saying “Ben Dover I made a huge mistake and I want you back. Please take me back, I even brought you tacos and a slurpee and I promise to watch sports with you all day all the time”. Pretty much what we all wish for right? Truth is NC changed me as a person. Like I said, it made me realize all the problems in the relationship. We all played a role in the breakup and that’s just the truth. REMEMBER THIS. You’re gonna wanna blame yourself for everything like I did. But it really wasn’t. I did this and it was so unhealthy. Both people are responsible for the breakup. So I started to ask myself "what do I need to improve about myself? What should have I done differently?” and this leads me to my next point...

 

This is the most important thing I want you to take away from this rant/thread. KEEP PUSHING FORWARD AND EVOLVE. NEVER BE CONTENT. GROW. That's the best advice I can give any of you. Become an even better person. Use this breakup as a fire. Let that fire inside of you get bigger and bigger and motivate you to become the best YOU that you can be. Don't be the same person you were when things ended. Think about this...Do you really wanna be the same exact person that you were when your ex broke up with you? Seriously think about it. We're all at some fault for our breakups and we need to accept that. Do something to change that. Do it for yourself though. When you really start fixing problems from within yourself, your life will change for the better. Your confidence and self esteem will start to raise again or even to an all time high and women/men WILL pick up on this. Trust me. There's nothing women/men love more than confidence. Right? Everybody is attracted to confidence. NC made me realize so many things I wanted to change about myself. It was a BLESSING IN DISGUISE and I believe for a lot of people thats what breakups are. I truly believe this. The next woman I meet is going to get the best Ben Dover there has ever been. No woman is gonna stop me from becoming everything I wanna become. All my ex did was motivate me even more. I love myself more than I ever have and it feels amazing.

 

This next part, I want you to read very carefully because I believe a lot of people are in this stage with their ex right now. Don't be like me. Don't be a doormat for your ex. DON'T GET STRUNG ALONG AFTER YOUR BREAKUP. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN THIS AFTER A BREAKUP. Don't let them keep contacting you after the breakup. Don't let her use you as a PLAN B just in case her new guy breaks up with her, or she gets lonely for a night or is just bored. THIS HAPPENS A LOT AFTER BREAK UPS. A LOT MORE THAN YOU THINK. The dumper will contact the dumpee just to see if he/she has control over the dumpee. To see if they still have the dumpee wrapped around their finger just in case they might need some attention or an ego boost. They send a pathetic text message like HEY, HOW ARE YA? You know how many times my ex said "I miss you so much" or some random text about her thinking about me. But when it came to getting back together she always said "I need to be single right now". Lucky me right? Don’t let your ex suck you back in because if they really want to be with you, TRUST ME THEY WOULD BE WITH YOU. THEY WILL MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THEY WANT YOU BACK. I got strung along badddd. Don’t be me guys. I was her emotional crutch for wayyyy too long and it gave me false hope. Guess what happened? It blew up in my face and after a few months I went alllll the way back to how I felt the day we broke up. I was completely crushed. Is that what you want? Trust me, you DO NOT WANT TO EXPERIENCE THAT. This held me back from recovering BIG TIME.

 

The one thing I regret the most about all this was not going NO CONTACT literally the day she broke up with me. I was a total idiot by allowing her to text me all the time and responding to every single text. Once I cut her off and didn't respond anymore. That's when she started getting desperate. Point is, ACTIONS WILL ALWAYS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. Anybody can send texts and say things like I miss you and blah blah blah. If they want you back at some point, they will go out of their way to fix things if they want you back. TRUST ME.

 

The universe has a crazy way of working. Sounds lame and cheesy but it is sooooo true. This is something common in breakup stories...Once I started going out, meeting tons of girls, going on dates, becoming intimate again, and had my confidence at an all time high....guess who came back? Anybody wanna guess? Anybody? Yup you know who. I'm not saying this will happen in every relationship but it happens pretty often. Dumpers have like a sixth sense and know when the dumpee is getting over them so they jump back into the picture. It's crazy. If this happens to you, take things very slow if you even wish to reconcile at this point. Do not jump right back into it. Make your ex work for it. Let them prove to you they want you.

 

 

Another thing I want you guys to know is that when I was going out and meeting new girls, I realized something...

 

 

THERE ARE A LOT OF REALLY COOL AND BEAUTIFUL CHICKS OUT THERE.

 

Its important to grieve the breakup. I did for about two months.Thats fine, its healthy. Then start your path to recovery and be serious about it. Don't half-ass it. But man I can't tell you how much going out and meeting new women helped me heal when I felt ready to get back out there. I'm not saying go out and try having sex with every new prospect you meet. But just go out and socialize. Approach more women. Flirt. This will help with your confidence. My confidence was at an all time low after the breakup but by doing this is starting getting back up there and eventually got to an all time high. If you get the chance to be intimate, it's your call. You'll realize there are definitely some great girls out there. YOUR EX ISN'T THE ONLY ONE. After a breakup we tend to think our ex is the best woman in the world and nobody can ever replace her. HAHA I thought that too, but you'll see what I mean when you give it a try. I'll say it again. YOUR EX ISN'T THE ONLY AMAZING GIRL OUT THERE.

 

You'll get to a point where you're gonna stop feeling sorry for yourself and want to get on with life. After my breakup I lived it up. I started going all sorts of things I never did before and things I stopped doing while in the relationship. I said screw it. I know my ex is enjoying life, so I will too. By staying busy as much as I can it helped me recover so much faster. I’m telling you, breakups a lot of times are really blessings in disguise. Make the most of this. Keep growing. I started going to the gym and lifting like crazy, now I'm only a semi-girly man. it's awesome I feel great and people are noticing. I also started reading self-help books. They're awesome. Started playing basketball again. Started playing poker again. Doing everything I love. It's an amazing feeling guys. I just want you all to feel like this.

 

BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS. THE PAIN, THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. ONE DAY YOU'RE GREAT! NEXT DAY YOU'RE STARING AT YOUR PHONE PRAYING TO GET A TEXT OR CALL FROM YOUR EX. IT WAS THE TOUGHEST THING I HAVE EVER GONE THROUGH TO THIS DAY. BUT IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD I PROMISE YOU THIS.

 

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I know for most of you it doesn't seem like there is cause your completely heartbroken, but trust me it's there. Don't give up.

 

For those of you sticking to NC keep it up. Trust me when I say this, YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Do it to heal and move past this relationship. Grow from it. As much as this heartbreak hurt (and believe me it was the most pain I've ever gone through)... I'm so thankful for it and actually glad it happened. I learned and grew so much from it. I'm a wayyy better person because of it.

 

I really hope you guys learned something from this. I just wanted to give back this forum that helped me so much at the beginning of my heartbreak. I'm just trying to help. I was exactly where most of you are right now. Trust me it gets better, when YOU want it to be better. You decide when things get better. Only you. Don't forget that.

 

 

LAST THING!

If none of you have seen the movie "Swingers" I highly suggest you do. It's an amazing breakup movie. Go check it out NOW. You'll thank me later.

 

This is such an awesome and uplifting post!!!!!!!! It made me feel so much better as a 'dumpee'. Thank you!!!!! I gave my ex waaayyyy too much importance, makes me cringe at myself! I was desperate/weak/needy/crazy eugh makes me feel sick!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am now in NC have been for 5 days now and I plan on sticking to it!

[Ben Dover]

This is such an awesome and uplifting post!!!!!!!! It made me feel so much better as a 'dumpee'. Thank you!!!!! I gave my ex waaayyyy too much importance, makes me cringe at myself! I was desperate/weak/needy/crazy eugh makes me feel sick!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am now in NC have been for 5 days now and I plan on sticking to it!

 

I'm glad you enjoyed the post. I did the same thing after my ex broke with me. I did everything you shouldn't do after a breakup. I really hope you stick to NC though. It's insanely tough but you can do it. It's the only way to truly move on. I dont know much about your situation though. You should share it.

 

I'm rooting for ya.

[Ben Dover]

Wow, I can relate so much to that. Actually my ex broke up with me for the first time last year in May. I went no contact and he contacted me again, telling me that he loves and misses me and wants to try again. So after two months we got back together, after we had a long talk about what went wrong and what we wanna do better in the future.

 

He told me what bothered him most about me was that I didn't take care of his apartment (we lived together at that time, he's pretty much a neat freak and hated it when I didn't clean the dishes directly) and he said that he hates it when we get angry at each other and don't talk for hours.

Guess what- I changed that. Even though we didn't continue to live together I took care of his house (we were at his apt most of the time). I directly cleaned the dishes, cleaned his whole apartment with him 6h(!) in the middle of the night because the tubes broke and the whole apt was flooded, I cooked for him sometimes and I even stayed a couple of days alone at his apt to watch the workers (they put in a new floors, worked on the roof etc.) because he had to work.

Also, when we had arguments I always tried to talk to him about it directly. I wasn't silent anymore, I tried to address the issue and talk. It didn't bring anything. Every time I tried to talk he would just get more angry, completely shut me out and didn't talk to me anymore.

 

So I changed the things he said he didn't like- While he didn't work on himself at all. He seemed to be perfectly happy with me til he broke up again. We even went on a vacation together just a day before he broke up. We were very much compatable, but he never accepted that and always looked for problems. It was never good enough for him. This is why it never worked and will never work.

 

Later I also found out that in the past he has had around 15 girlfriends. 15! And with almost two years together I was his longest relationship. And he's only 30. For me this just screams he has a big problem.

 

Oh yeah. Same thing with me. Crazy how identical our stories are huh? Haha

No matter how much effort I put in to make things as smooth as possible, she always had a reason to be upset or stressed. Looking back I just realized she was looking for a way out because I know I wasn't doing anything wrong. She would FIND REASONS to be upset. Thats why like I said I don't feel bad about anything. I gave it 100% the 2nd time around. After reading your post though it seems like you dodged a bullet. I know I did. I know my ex definitely has some issues she needs to work out on her own before I would even consider a reconciliation.

[newenglandkid]

Ben Dover,

 

My ex just texted me and asked if we could meet up and talk. What should I do? Just the other day she told me she "met" someone already, and I think she just wants to ease her guilt or whatever by "explaining" herself. Should I let her do this or no?

[zen2475]

New England Kid, I'm not Bend Over, but I can tell you this: don't meet with her, especially if you think she's trying to assuage her guilt. You are not here to make her feel better about dumping you.

[newenglandkid]

I asked her what she wanted to talk about, and she says she has been crying uncontroably about the death of a friend of hers and talking to me she said would help. I can't help but feel bad for her and think this has nothing to do with our breakup and more about her grieving with the loss of her friend...

[erklat]

I asked her what she wanted to talk about, and she says she has been crying uncontroably about the death of a friend of hers and talking to me she said would help. I can't help but feel bad for her and think this has nothing to do with our breakup and more about her grieving with the loss of her friend...

 

Does it sound like your problem?

 

Crying on your shoulder rights have been revoked the

moment she left the relationship.

[Ben Dover]

I asked her what she wanted to talk about, and she says she has been crying uncontroably about the death of a friend of hers and talking to me she said would help. I can't help but feel bad for her and think this has nothing to do with our breakup and more about her grieving with the loss of her friend...

 

I know you feel bad for her and thats a terrible thing to deal with. Sorry for her loss. BUT, lets be honest here NEK. You think its fair that after she broke up with you (completely broke your heart), when she is going through a hard time she gets to hit you up to meet up so SHE can feel better? I understand you feel bad and let her know you're sorry for her loss...but what happens after you make her feel better? I'll tell you what happens. She goes her own way and continues to live life with that new guy in the picture. Sounds like a sweet deal for your ex. Let her know you're sorry for her loss and keep it short. If she gets mad let her know THIS WAS HER DECISION AND THESE ARE THE CONSEQUENCES.

 

***FOR ANYBODY READING THIS POST***

 

What I figured out the hard way after a breakup is YOU HAVE TO BE SELFISH. YOU COME FIRST. I tried the nice guy thing. Even after she broke my heart. I tried to be there when she felt bad or was going through hard times thinking at least that would keep me in the picture and in her mind. I was there so she could vent. We have people for that. You know what those people are called? FRIENDS. Do you really wanna be a friend to your ex? Trust me, that is the worst possible thing you can do. Being a friend to your ex after a breakup will absolutely NOT BRING HER BACK. NO WAY JOSE. I CAN GUARANTEE THAT. Especially if there is another guy in the picture.

[erklat]

I know you feel bad for her and thats a terrible thing to deal with. Sorry for her loss. BUT, lets be honest here NEK. You think its fair that after she broke up with you (completely broke your heart), when she is going through a hard time she gets to hit you up to meet up so SHE can feel better? I understand you feel bad and let her know you're sorry for her loss...but what happens after you make her feel better? I'll tell you what happens. She goes her own way and continues to live life with that new guy in the picture. Sounds like a sweet deal for your ex. Let her know you're sorry for her loss and keep it short. If she gets mad let her know THIS WAS HER DECISION AND THESE ARE THE CONSEQUENCES.

 

***FOR ANYBODY READING THIS POST***

 

What I figured out the hard way after a breakup is YOU HAVE TO BE SELFISH. YOU COME FIRST. I tried the nice guy thing. Even after she broke my heart. I tried to be there when she felt bad or was going through hard times thinking at least that would keep me in the picture and in her mind. I was there so she could vent. We have people for that. You know what those people are called? FRIENDS. Do you really wanna be a friend to your ex? Trust me, that is the worst possible thing you can do. Being a friend to your ex after a breakup will absolutely NOT BRING HER BACK. NO WAY JOSE. I CAN GUARANTEE THAT. Especially if there is another guy in the picture.

 

He should get of the radar completely. No acknowledging her special days.

[Ben Dover]

He should get of the radar completely. No acknowledging her special days.

 

I think if he keeps it very short and says sorry for the loss it shouldn't be too bad seeing as it is a death. Hopefully he didn't do anything more than what I suggested.